by grace, through faith

| OTSO | Letter Challenge |

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miss this so much

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.: Dear Ryu :.

When I think about little pockets of joy in my life, I think about how you always make me feel (esp that night in Big Echo). I’m not sure how you do it, but you make me feel like I’m made out of stars. With you I feel so safe-- how could I not when you’re always making sure that I don’t have to carry my heavy luggage, making sure I’m warm bc my dumb ass didn’t bring the right jacket, or fending off creepers at the club. Some of my favorite moments of Japan have been when you were there-- whether it’s the late night talks about our ambitions, or sentimentally looking back at how much your mom meant to both of us... I look back fondly at that country because of you. Bowen and I wouldn’t have experienced so much of Japan bc of you.  This last trip has me seeing you in a different light. I honestly saw you as Yoko-san’s mischevious son--your smirk easily getting you out of trouble with all your random kuro-chan shinanegans. This time around, you in your salary man suit + japanesesque mannerisms + learning that you’re reading self improvement books it’s like watching the world evolve for the better. I know you’re worried/a bit ashamed of your failures, but dude I am so proud of you. It’d have been so easy to just stay home and fall into the trap I see so many young men in our group fall into but you chased your dream head on (though half planned lol). I hope if I have a son that he turns out just like you.  

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.: Dear Georgie :.

My first impression of you, Georgie? Intimidating.  Not sure if it’s because every time you used to speak to me, it was to tell me what I was to do (you are my senior, so it’s to be expected) but the way you said it had me at attention. 

A domineering tone,

A watchful eye.

I knew from the start that you weren’t someone to mess with, and at that point, possibly even someone to be weary of. But that one day where I first floated to another unit and you checked up on me, I realized I made a mistake. You might still be someone one to revere but you’re like a mother hen, willing to protect those under you. From that moment I made an effort to get to know you, and I’m glad for it. You’re selfless and in your own ways, thoughtful. I hope you don’t stop chasing your dreams to be a nurse bc i know it matters so much to you. Praying for you <3

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.: Dear Kevin Lay :.

LMao, honestly it’s not that you did but you’re the first to come to mind. i just remembered how heart broken i was when you rejected me. it was the first time a guy was actually so kind to me that i latched on hard. it was also the first time someone said no to me romantically.

i was literally incapacitated, lost all my strength to stand up, or eat for weeks. i was so immature about how i dealt with the rejection. i hated myself so much that nothing i was felt enough. 

but this rejection wasn’t about me. even then, i knew

it just hurt. 

but thank you so much for your candid honesty, and our now friendship. it’s always fun seeing how much you’ve grown bc in the process, i see me grow too.

//side note, this was about you//

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.: To My Dreams :.

Sometime in my mid-twenties, I noticed a pattern with my dreams: 

1. They can continue months later and I will recall them within the dream (like a conversation i had in a dream in october, i would have a dream of it again 5 weeks or so later, continuing without missing a beat)

2. Snakes always find a way to slither in (haha, get it??) during times of anxiety (i.e taking my nclex i had a dream that i was in a room full of snakes and i was doing my best to be brave)

3. I can summon my own conscience if I try to within the dream--that is to say I can lucid dream if I try (which is super cool when i push my self to fly in the dreams ;u;)

I love it and fear it all at the same time because everything feels so real at the moment. The way I feel in the dream directly manifests in to heartbreak when I wake up from a nightmare, the same way I feel elation at a happy memory within the psyche of my minds eye. 

The dreams that worry me are the ones where some how, it relates to real life--a death/an accident/ a glimpse into a mundane de ja vu moment. i don’t want to predict the future, i want to create it

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.: Dear Haylie :.

Thank you for being you. I’ve watched how our Ozero group grew into adulthood as we grew apart, but my friendship with you somehow feels closer now, like having an older sister I didn’t realize I needed. 

I always saw you as someone who had was a good judge of character, and someone who never saw how good you were. You’re beautiful, intelligent, and a safe space. I wish you believed in yourself as much as I believed in you. 

Thank you for taking care of me in ways that I never do. You mean so much to me <3 

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keeping this here bc it’s the only photo i took in japan, and i want to remember what i looked like at 28 lol

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.: Dear Rimski :.

This is for the best, I wish you well.

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.: Dear Dad :.

I wish in my heart I knew how to let things go, but I’m struggling. I know that your actions are a reflection of what happened to you, and that my reactions are a reflection of your actions, but really I should act better. It’s true that knowing and feeling are different entities, but I constantly wish my bones would not shake in anticipation of a 

fight

an altercation that can last

hours or 

days

like they used to

even when nothing is awry. 

_

Something you said a few years ago stuck to me. It was during a fight because me, a 20-something that ~*dOnT neEd nO mAN*~ especially not you was rejecting help you were offering. You said:

“there’s so much I can teach you, and that’s why i wanted to be a father” 

you said this without looking at me, eyes downcast and sullen which is now a melancholic core memory that fucking lives rent free in my mind, and beckons fire and hell in my psyche. 

i am wrecked with guiltttttt because despite the amalgamation of self-help/therapy/trauma-informed books i’ve read, i don’t act or engage in forgiveness. my body always tenses, looking for an escape route when a normal conversation comes up, or when it’s an argument, the way my voice raises and my jaw clenches and the anger, the wolf comes out to protect the ones you hurt.

...but i know that our time together ticks, 

your bad habit against mine, 

time is our only keeper,

yet i routinely reject you. 

In fact, I go out of my way/my budget to make sure i don’t ask for help. My stubbornness/pride but also fear of being that person that doesn’t want to make the mistake of trusting someone i shouldn’t has been my identity and coping mechanism--it’s been seeping into my friendships and romantic life.

How do I surrender? How many tabs does it take to let go and let God? (jk)

Lord help us, before it’s too late. 

Love, 

Steph

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.: Dear Shunsuke :.

I learned so much from you. I learned what freedom was like for the first time, and what it looks like to hold your ground at all costs. You were my first everything so even thought there was so much emotional, physical, and psychological torment at the end of our time together, even though there was so much pain...I just want to say thank you. I’ve caused you pain too, and for that I am sorry.  I hope you’re doing well. Say hello to your mom for me. She was the only one who loved you unconditionally. You were her everything, even though you treated her so poorly.