okay so i just finished reading the big brother’s best friend yunho trilogy and i need to yell at you about it for a second (i read all three in one sitting when i was supposed to be writing an essay so if i fail i’ll just send my prof a link to the fic as explanation /jk)
i saw the second one first and read the first two pragraphs before realising it’s a sequel and going back to the first, so i spent the whole first part thinking yunho was genuinely cheating on a serious girlfriend and when i tell you i was fighting demons every time he did something sweet or romantic like “no!!! he’s lying to you!!!! girl get away!!” i genuinely had to put my phone down at certain points and fight the air to get rid of the tension in my body
the second and third part i read in relative quick succession so i can’t remember where the one starts and the other ends but holy shiiiiiiit i was feeling so many things (the way i felt genuinely mad at mingi when he ditched her bc she didnt return his feelings???? how did you make me feel these things) and the way that yunho and reader navigated their tentative relationship after everything was out in the open…… be still my hopeless romantic heart!
thank you for writing such gut wrenching soul snatching words that make me feel insane as i have a physical reaction to things that are not happening to me
👑 <- for you
thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed and sweet message 🥹💗 the fact that i've similarly been in a position where i binged a fic in one night instead of doing an assignment sdlfjsdlksjd
i'm kinda sad that the plot twist in part one was spoiled for you, but i'm glad you still enjoyed it! it's always my goal to invoke strong emotions in my readers so it means so much to hear that it worked lol
Hello.. i just read ur leehan fic on ao3 and somehow i found ur tumblr too, im wondering are you planning to write more about bonedo too in the future? 👉🏻👈🏻
tysm for reading :) and yes absolutely! currently in the process of writing a taesan fic actually
--- some of you may know me from my main blog, santheestallion, where i write long form fics for ateez. on this blog, i'll be writing short drabbles, one shots, and reactions for riize, nct, bts, enyhpen, and more depending on where my inspiration takes me!
so if you've followed this blog from the very beginning, you know that originally, this blog was dedicated to both ateez and wayv. but by happenstance, my ateez fics did super well in the tumblr algorithm and now the majority of my followers are atinys.
and even though i've written entirely for ateez thus far, i still have a desire to write for other groups. at the same time, i want to respect that alot of my followers followed me for ateez content and may not want to see other groups on their dashboard.
with that said, i've decided to open up a second blog called hornychristianprincess (lol)! santheestallion is still my priority, and i don't plan on writing longform content for any other group besides ateez. for now, hornychristianprincess will only include short drabbles, one shots, and reactions.
a/n: this is just my personal analysis based off my perception of the member’s personalities. all of this is fiction/fantasy
----seonghwa
green flags: seonghwa is a very thoughtful and romantic partner who puts the needs of his partner above his own. you’ll never have to worry about him becoming complacent the longer you’re together; if anything, he is always challenging himself to think of new and bigger romantic gestures. he prides himself on remembering the little things that his partner will become giddy over. This desire to please bleeds over into the bedroom, as well.
red flags: when seonghwa falls in love, he falls hard. i see him very much as a believer in the ‘love at first sight’ ethos. he goes into the beginning of a relationship with rose-colored glasses on, ignoring all of the things he may usually view as misgivings from a partner. once those glasses begin to fade, however, he may notice things that he dislikes about a partner and will resent them for not being something they never promised or showed themselves to be as a result of his own assumptions. i also see seonghwa as the type who can get serious with someone a bit too quickly to the point of making them feel smothered.
----hongjoong
green flags: i think hongjoong is a gentleman who will put a lot of effort into courting you, especially in those early days when he’s trying to impress you. he has that sexy, intense energy that is very alluring. he is someone who is very protective of his partner; once you get close enough, he truly is a ride-or-die, follow-you-off-a-cliff type of loyal. hongjoong will never give you a reason to be jealous of his interactions with other women – when he is in love with a person, he is outwardly stiff to everyone else out of respect and pure devotion to his partner.
red flags: i think hongjoong’s intensity can sometimes blur into the space of being overly high-tension. you may have trouble getting him to let his walls down and open up to you. he can be too serious sometimes, treating his relationships as if they’re transactional. he can also lack communication skills when he’s upset. he prefers to deal with things on his own and worries about burdening his significant other with his problems, which may cause him to appear distant. he also may exert controlling behaviors that can come off as patronizing, or as if he knows better than you do.
----yunho
green flags: yunho is a very positive and uplifting partner. express any insecurity in his presence and he will make sure to hype you up and discredit it sincerely. he is a great listener who always shows interest and excitement when it comes to being in the presence of his s/o. you will never have to second-guess whether yunho likes spending time with you because he is very outwardly appreciative. he is also very open to the diverse interests of his partner and trying new things if his partner likes them. you will never get bored with yunho, as he is a very spontaneous and adventurous person.
red flags: yunho’s frequent and overt displays of positivity are often because he has no mechanism for dealing with negative emotions. he does not know how to express his emotions in a healthy way. anger, in particular, is something he has little control over. when he is upset, he has the tendency to become petty, passive-aggressive, and say things he doesn’t mean. conversely, he doesn’t know how to deal with it if his s/o is upset. he often tries to gloss over conflict or brush things under the rug, which may lead to resentment if not addressed immediately.
----yeosang
green flags: yeosang is an easygoing person who is comfortable letting his s/o take the lead in most things. he is constantly in sync and in tune with the emotions of his partner. he’s great at observing and reading his partner’s emotions in an uncomfortable situation and quickly intervening. if you’ve had a hard day, he will be the type of listen sincerely without offering any solutions or action items. like wooyoung, he’s a very non-judgemental and kind person.
red flags: yeosang wants his partner to be able to read his mind. he will be upset about something, and instead of saying anything about it, he’ll keep his emotions to himself and eventually become resentful over something you could’ve and would’ve addressed immediately had you known about it. he is the worst person to argue with because he is painfully nonchalant and likes to play the quiet game. he is always worried about saying or doing the wrong thing and spends a lot of time in his head, which ultimately forces him into inactivity. he will let a relationship end before taking action to fix it, realizing too late what he should’ve done to save things.
----san
green flags: similar to seonghwa, i think san is very affectionate and romantic. he prefers to give rather than to take. when he’s in love, he only wants to spend time with his partner and no one else; you will be the only person that exists to him. he is always on call during your times of need. sick, and he will willingly expose himself to it just to make sure that someone’s there to feed you and cuddle you. i think he also has very traditional views on what a man’s role in a relationship is, and therefore wants to be a caretaker/breadwinner for his s/o.
red flags: san is a very sensitive person. he dislikes conflict, which can be frustrating if you’re an expressive person because he will avoid a conversation about a problem for fear of it becoming a huge argument before he will let you address how you’re feeling. when he’s upset about something, he has no way of suppressing his emotions, and yet will avoid talking about them at all costs because he doesn’t want to argue. the constant roller coaster of him sulking but then saying he’s fine can be a lot to deal with. he can also be presumptuous and has the habit of saying the wrong thing while thinking it’s the right thing.
----wooyoung
green flags: it feels good and affirming to be liked by wooyoung. he is such a social butterfly that to get his sole attention is a privilege. when in his presence, he has a way of making someone feel confident and sexy; almost like they are the only person who matters. he also is a very non-judgemental person who values his partner’s heart over any fluctuations in their physical appearance. wooyoung is a person who will help push you out of your comfort zone and grow as a person. he is fiercely supportive and loyal. he’s also someone who values his partner’s autonomy and is not remotely jealous.
red flags: i think wooyoung worries a lot about entering a relationship and losing his sense of self. he needs his independence or will feel like he’s being smothered. he is the type to ignore boundaries his partner sets not necessarily maliciously but because of a lack of thought on his part. he grows complacent easily but not intentionally. he can be sort of clueless sometimes when it comes to the emotions of his partner. he needs to be told directly if something is bothering you; he cannot take a hint or read behaviors. he doesn’t have the ability or patience to hold space for when his partner is playing the quiet game or isn’t up front with their emotions. he will ignore you and let a conflict fester before he prompts you to talk about it. he also gets petty pretty easily.
----mingi
green flags: loyalty is bigggg for mingi. you will never have to question if he likes you because he’ll want to always spend time with you and ignore everyone else. he also is someone who wears his heart on his sleeve and will always express to you if he’s upset about something. conversely, he is thoughtful in making sure to continuously be expressive in his love for his partner. if you’re his girl, expect the whole world to know it, because he is loud in his love for his partner. will not shut up about you in the presence of others.
red flags: mingi has a bit of a childish conception of relationships and holds his partners to unrealistic expectations, similar to seonghwa. he wants his partner to believe the same things that he does and gets mad when they don’t. jealously comes easily to him. he truly believes his partner should spend all of their time with him and only him; it would be his dream for you to straight up laugh in the face of any other guy who tried to talk to you. if you are not matching his lover-boy energy, he will feel it and become affronted quickly. complete and utter devotion is his idea of true love.
----jongho
green flags: jongho puts up a cold exterior, but he is quite a softy on the inside. he is constantly thinking of ways to please and impress you, even if he does not say so explicitly. he will surprise you with his thoughtfulness; things you mention offhandedly and may not even remember yourself will be brought up out of nowhere by him. also, he loves to make his partner laugh and does so quite often. he does not have the ability to say no to his partner if they ask for something, no matter how ridiculous; it could be a request to sing you a lullaby before you go to sleep or go get you some ice cream in the middle of the night, and he will do it.
red flags: as sort of alluded to in the green flags, jongho puts up a cold front that can be hard to break down. one such example is that he is not very affectionate and in fact will sometimes flinch away from the affection of his s/o if he feels it’s excessive, especially applying to public displays of affection. he also has the tendency to grow complacent in relationships and perhaps not put as much effort into the romantic aspect the longer his relationship goes on. it’s hard to get a rise out of jongho, which may make you feel like he’s not passionate about you. he prefers to show his appreciation for his partner in his actions rather than his words. he wants his s/o to understand him without having to explain it.
AHHHHH I just read part 3 of summers dive and it was so good!! The whole trilogy was amazing and put me through a rollercoaster of emotions but I'm so happy everything worked out in the end. I loved Yunho's backstory so much and all the thought you and detail you put into this entire work. Thank you so much for writing and hope that you get lots of rest, food, and water and are taking care of yourself. 💕💖💕💖💕💖💖🥰🥰
third and final part of summer’s dive
paring: yunho x fem reader
genre: fluff, smut, slightly angsty, brother’s best friend, boy next door, [redeemed] fuckboy au
word count: 28k
summary: another summer has arrived and you find yourself oncemore at a crossroads with your summer fling turned biggest headache, Yunho. And in wondering whether you’ve become desperate for what’s familiar, you discover the glory of something new.
warnings: explicit sex scenes, unprotected sex, oral (male and female receiving), some slight talk of family trauma
a03 link can be found here
It was hard to describe how you felt as you sat on your front porch with your mother, waiting to welcome home your older brother, but to a larger, emotional extent, his best friend, Yunho.
Because almost two years ago, you were in this same position, getting ready to welcome them home and not knowing that you would fall in love with the handsome, kind boy you had always known as your brother’s best friend but came to know was much more.
And then, a year later, you were telling that same boy that you weren’t sure if you wanted to be with him anymore. That if things were ever going to be okay between the two of you, you needed time.
Because Yunho hurt you, deeper than you had ever been hurt before in your 21 years of life. He made you feel special and wanted and then destroyed all of it when you found out he had been seeing other girls. Girls who seemingly thought they were in a relationship with the perfect boyfriend, not knowing he made those same promises to you.
And so Yunho gave you time. A whole school year of time.
You haven’t seen Yunho in person since you left home for your sophomore year of college. Even during breaks, seeing each other wasn’t feasible – you had a genuine reason for staying on campus this year, deciding to be an RA to pick up some extra money.
And even though you spoke occasionally over the phone, it wasn't an effective stand in for the real, genuine conversations that you surely needed to have about your relationship. You ended on a note that was completely ambiguous, held together only by the mutual agreement that you were both in love with one another.
So now, as you awaited his and your brother’s presence in your front yard, you felt an understandable mix of nerves, excitement, and dread all at once.
“Your brother said traffic was horrible. I hope they’re not held up for too much longer,” your mother remarked passively as she paced along the porch, checking her watch every few seconds to see how long it had been since Kai was supposed to arrive.
You had arrived home just a day earlier than Kai and Yunho would be, and enjoyed the time spent alone with your mother. Sometimes you wondered if she could sense all of the changes that had happened to you, whether she attributed it to just growing up and being away from home or could sense that a person had caused it.
“Hey, they’re here!” your mother yelled out, jolting you out of your thoughts. And sure enough, when you looked up, Yunho’s familiar car was coming to a stop in front of your house.
Your mother rushed down the steps of your porch to go greet them, and even though you stood up at the sight of them, you reamined where you were. Things were easy with your brother; you know he wouldn’t be offended by your lack of fanfare at his arrival. But with Yunho, it was hard to even know how to greet him after everything that’s happened, all the time that’s passed since you last saw each other in person. It seemed better to let him take the lead.
You watched with nervous eyes as Yunho came out of the car after Kai, smiling as he watched Kai struggle to move or breath under the weight of your mother’s embrace. He shifted awkwardly next to them, keeping his distance so as to not interrupt the moment of mother-son reunion.
But then he looks up and finally notices you standing there, a few feet away. When your eyes meet, there’s a momentary expression of surprise on his face before he’s jogging over to meet you.
At first he just stands at the bottom of the porch steps, looking up at you with a warm smile yet not daring to cross the boundary between the grass and your home. Up close, you can see that his shaggy dark hair is slightly curled at the ends. He looks strikingly handsome.
You had thought that upon seeing him that you might freeze up or become uncomfortable, be reminded of all that’s transpired between the two of you. But as he stands in front of you, it seems as if your pull to him has only strengthened in your time away. More than anything, you feel comforted to see him.
“Can I hug you?” he asks in a soft, cautious voice.
“Yes,” you permiss, and then you’re meeting on the middle step of your porch in a hug that feels warmer than anything you’ve felt in a long time. It’s an embrace that allows you to forget the world moving around you.
“I missed you,” he says, height difference forcing his head to strain itself into the crook of your neck. When you remain silent, he almost hopes that his words were muffled by the softness of your skin. But it’s only a few moments later when you let out a quiet, “I missed you, too,” that is like music to his forlorn ears.
Behind you, Kai and your mother, now separated from their own reunion, watch you both with smirks on their faces. Your mother in particular raises a curious eyebrow. “Did I miss something?” she asks, your brother letting out a knowing laugh as if to say, “you don’t know the half.”
Once everyone’s finished greeting each other, you get to work on lugging Kai’s things into the house. The mood is a lot more jovial than you expected it to be; you make jokes, laugh about Kai’s new haircut, and decide what you’re going to eat for dinner.
“I’m not going to ask until you’re ready to tell me,” your mother says with a wink as you’re both sharing the weight of a storage bin, and you know she’s referring to the hug she saw earlier. In the moment, you weren’t thinking about what it would mean for your mom to see the two of sharing affection like that.
“There’s nothing to tell,” you reply with a finality which you hope will stop her from broaching the subject again. You pass Yunho and Kai as they’re on the way to pick up another box, and you’re sure that Yunho must have heard the banter between the two of you when he throws you a smirk over her shoulder.
Once you’ve all finished bringing everything in, Kai and your mother head into the house first as he launches into a story about his strenuous final exams. You’re just about to follow them when there’s a tug on your forearm, and you look behind you to see Yunho waiting at the foot of your porch.
“Y/N,” he says, releasing your arm to fall gently at your sides. “If you’re not busy do you wanna…go with me for a drive?”
Not at all plussed to hear your brother talk about school and curious to know the intention behind Yunho’s offer, you accept the invitation with a nod. “Sure, I’m down. Just let me tell my mom where I’m going.”
You enter your house and are out of it within a few seconds, a lie about going to the corner store going over easy when your mom has discovered that she’s out of a few favorite snacks. You figure you can pick some stuff up on your way back from wherever Yunho’s taking you. For now, you relax in the front seat of his car, looking over his dashboard with mild interest as you wait for him to kick the car into drive.
You haven’t been in his car in a while. You spot a photo of his grandparents you’ve never seen before hanging below his rearview mirror. “Cute,” you remark at the sight of it.
“Thanks,” he replies quickly, a bit of blush on his cheeks as he watches you survey the photo curiously. “Do you wanna go somewhere and walk around? I think there’s a park nearby.”
You agree, and a few minutes later you’re pulling into the parking lot of a children’s park. The sun has set, so it’s dark and empty outside, and the air feels crisp and cool as you breath it in. The environment is perfectly serene and quiet. You enjoy it by walking side by side along the perimeter of the park, arms occasionally brushing as you ask each other about your respective semesters.
“I wanted to see how you were doing, how your year went,” he explains, both of you walking with your hands in your pockets and your eyes to the ground in a casual sort of way. “You look good, but I know looks can be deceiving.”
You chuckle, stuck between taking his remark as a compliment or an astute observation of your ability to supress your emotions. Your sophomore year was good, or at least, a lot better than the year before it. You made a few friends, scored decent grades in your classes, and joined a few clubs to pass the time you weren’t spending the library, studying. “I’ve actually had a pretty decent year.”
As you go into detail with Yunho about the past few months spent at school, you begin to appreciate that he took you somewhere private. In many ways, he is the only person who you feel you can be your most vulnerable with. After all, he’s seen you at both your very worst and your very best.
“How about you?”
Yunho tells you all about his junior year, which from the sounds of it, was relatively stressful. “I couldn’t go anywhere without being reminded that I’m about to be a senior, and that I need to start thinking about my ‘post-grad prospects,’” he said, forming quotations with his hands. “Whatever that means.”
It seemed as if neither of you had anything else to say after sharing every meaningful detail from your school year. After a few minutes of quiet silence, Yunho’s voice rings out nervous and soft beside you.
“I know you told me you needed some time to think about…us,” he says suddenly, the heat of his gaze warming the side of your face.
You look up at him, an uneasy curiosity flooding in your chest at him bringing your sentiments from last summer up so suddenly. You can’t help but feel a little like you’re being put on the spot, pressured to make a decision about something you’ve been plaguing yourself over for the last year.
When you’re almost certain that his next words will be a request to hear some sort of answer from you, you’re surprised when instead, he says, “And I wanna make sure that me being around this summer won’t make that an issue.”
Relieved and confused all at the same time, you raise a questioning eyebrow at him. “Why would it?”
“I don’t want you to think I’m trying to influence your decision in any way, or make you feel bad if you decide not to be with me,” he explains, speaking in a calm, reasonable tone of voice. “I’ve been trying to give you some space to work out how you’re feeling. It’s what I would want if I were in your position.”
You’re taken aback and touched by his thoughtfulness in thinking about how his presence may interrupt your healing process. But as you think about how your summer might look without Yunho somewhere in it, you feel more dismayed than relaxed.
“Yunho you are still one of the most important people in my life. That I need no time or space to know,” you confess, watching Yunho’s eyes light up in the corner of your purview. “So the last thing I’d want is for you to feel like you couldn't come around anymore because of me.”
The last words you spoke to him the previous summer begin to replay in your mind. “And so I’m not saying no to us. I’m not saying yes to us either. I’m saying I don’t know. And I hope that can be enough for you right now.”
“Last summer, I wasn’t ready to think about what it would mean for us to be together. I was still processing how hurt I was,” you admit to him. Because you don’t think you could have ever thought straight with the way you were still fleshy and raw from the dramatic events that had transpired last summer.
“But things are different now,” you proclaim, looking up to meet Yunho’s gaze, his eyes soft and comforting and causing something hopeful to bloom in your chest. “I’ve had time to work through my emotions and I’m…more open to seeing where things could go for you and me.”
Butterflies you haven’t felt in forever begin to fly around in your stomach as you watch Yunho’s lips curl into a handsome smirk. “I can work with that,” he replies cooly.
And so, with time blurring into something unrecognizable, you walk side by side, just talking to each other and enjoying the comfort of the other’s presence.
For a second summer in a row, you had returned to working at the quaint and cozy coffee shop in your neighborhood, and although it had only been a year, a lot had changed while you were at school. For one, there were a lot of new employees who had the impression that they had been working longer than you and therefore should boss you around.
“Do you mind making a drink with the coffee machine really quickly? I want to make sure all the machinery is working before more customers come,” said Jongho, one of the new employees whose coifed haircut reminded you woefully of the frat guys you would come across at school. Abiding by his request to avoid argument, you approached the coffee maker and made the drink as he asked. But in the process, you made eye contact with a dawdling Mingi, who you knew before he even came up to you was about to say something backhanded about Jongho.
“Does he think that because him and Wooyoung share the same terrible fashion sense that that makes him the manager now?” he whispered, pretending to organize the coffee filters on the counter so that he didn’t look suspicious for standing next to you. You swatted his chest, making a “shhh,” noise while fighting back your own laughter at his words.
That was another thing that had changed. You and Mingi had a grown a lot closer since last summer when you worked together. It was then that you discovered he attended the same school as you, though as a graduate student earning his master’s in music. Still, any time he was on campus, you made time for lunch or a study break at the library. His presence was always a welcome excuse for you to get out of your room every once in a while. You’ve grown to consider him one of your closest friends, and it’s your hope to continue that even now as you’re back home for the summer.
Mingi’s gaze remained on you even after you finished making the drink. It was one of those lulls where not too many customers were coming in, so the 4 of you that were working stood idly and made casual conversation. “How’s your summer been so far?” Mingi asked you, careful to not include your other coworkers who you both had thoroughly agreed were not fun to talk to.
“It’s been fine,” you answered honestly. “It’s always a little bit of an adjustment, having to go from being on your own to having to do chores. But I’ve been managing.”
“The best way to avoid that is by leaving is often as you can. You start to become more of an extended guest than a person who actually lives there and has responsibilities,” Mingi suggested with a mischievous smile, leaning back against the counter so that his incredibly towering body was in full view.
You giggled at his remark, shrugging as you contemplated the idea of leaving your house more this summer. “But I don’t even know where I’d go,” you confessed with a sigh.
“You could go out with me,” Mingi replied with enthusiasm, a handsome smirk appearing on his face. “I promise I’m a lot funner when I’m out of this uniform. And when I’m not stressing about applying to PhD programs.”
At this, you smiled. Truthfully, it was hard to tell sometimes whether he made these sort of remarks out of platonic earnest or in the hopes of something more. Over this past year together, you’ve gotten so close that there have been a few moments where you felt like he might be flirting with you. You’ve never confronted him about it in fear of ruining your friendship.
Mingi possess a lot of qualities that you think would be good in a partner – his kindness, his personality, his handsome looks. But you don’t think you’re ready to pursue any new romantic connection right now, not when you’re still laboring over the one you have with Yunho.
Mingi persists despite the contemplative silence that overtakes you at his previous words. “What are you doing this weekend? There’s a restaurant in the city that I’ve heard is really good.”
Deciding to accept his request in the hopes that it’s innocent, you’re just about to say yes when you remember that you have plans this weekend, albeit not of your own creation. “Oh crap. I forgot, my mom’s having a pool party this weekend.”
Mingi hums in understanding. “Any specific occasion you’re celebrating?”
“It’s just a get-to-know-the-neighbors thing. My mom’s big on knowing who she lives with,” you explain, and as the words leave your mouth, it comes to you that it would be a great idea to invite Mingi. It’s a situation where you’ll be surrounded by family and friends and unlikely to be put in an uncomfortable position, as you might if you were alone at dinner. “Actually, do you want to come?”
“If it’s just a close friends and family thing, I wouldn’t want to intrude,” he intones humbly.
“As if you’re not one of my closest friends,” you remind him, looping your arm into his and watching him suppress a smile. “Besides, all of my neighbors will be there, so it’s not like it’s super intimate or anything.”
“Yeah?” he says, poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue. “What if I like things that are super intimate?”
Once again, you are left flustered and embarrassingly quiet at Mingi’s deeply-spoken teasing. His gaze on you is unflinching and with your arm looped in his, you are closer than ever. Not sure what to say, you giggle and are relieved when Mingi doesn’t make any mention of your disposition in his next words. “Send me the time and I’ll be there.”
Jongho calls both of your names and when you look up, there is a line of customers waiting before you. Exchanging amused looks with Mingi in response to Jongho’s reproachful expression, you begin making the orders for the crowd of customers that never seems to lessen until it’s time for you to clock out.
Mingi drives you home that day, as he sometimes does when you work the same shift, and it’s a car ride full of banter, karaoke, and laughter. It’s just the reminder you needed in a time plagued by uncertainty that Mingi truly is a good friend whose company you’d be dismayed to lose.
As Mingi’s car begins to approach the street of your house, you see something ahead of you that is truly peculiar. A few blocks ahead, you recognize the far-away yet familiar silhouette of Yunho standing in the big front yard of his house. This on it’s own wouldn’t be anything to freak out over, but as you come closer, you notice that he’s hammering a sign into the ground.
A sign that reads FOR SALE in big red and blue writing.
Without even realizing it, you’ve pressed your face against the passenger side window, trying to make sure that what you’re seeing in front of you is correct. Surely Yunho and his grandparents aren’t selling the house they’ve lived in since before you were born, much less without telling you that it’s happening, why they’re doing it, where they’ll be going once it’s gone…
“Hey, can you drop me off here?” you ask Mingi, taking your seatbelt off with the same sort of urgency as someone whose just seen police cars parked in front of their home.
“Are you sure?” he asks. “I thought your house was much further down.”
“It’s fine. Need to get my steps in anyway,” you explain with an air of brevity, watching Yunho just about finish nailing the sign and wanting to approach him before he leaves to go back to the house. Sighing in relief when you hear the telltale click of the car door unlocking, you give Mingi one last look of gratitude over your shoulder before exiting the car. “Thanks for the ride, Mingi.”
“Yeah, sure,” he replies, sounding a little flustered but thankfully not asking any questions as he watches you rush onto the sidewalk with a sense of haste in your steps.
Mingi reverses his car and is driving away in the other direction just as you’re approaching Yunho. You call out his name to catch his attention and when he sees you, he looks pleasantly surprised, but otherwise normal as he stands in front of the For Sale sign.
“Hey,” he greets, taking in your appearance as you walk up to him in your stained, wrinkled work uniform, looking clearly concerned about something. “What’s up?”
With the tone of both a question and a statement, you exclaim, “You’re selling your house?!”
Yunho makes a small o sound and looks at the small For Sale sign behind him as if only just now noticing it was there. You can already see something tired taking over his expression in mere response to you just making the observation, and it only makes you more grim.
“It’s…kind of a long story,” he confesses, turning his head to look back at the house wistfully. “Do you wanna come inside?
Wanting to know more, you nod and allow him to lead you into the house you’ve been in a handful of times but not at all since the summer before last. Entering the foyer, you’re overcome by a sense of comfort but yet are disturbed by how eerily quiet it is.
You can see immediately, based on the lack of descriptive decoration and lived-in clutter, that the house is obviously being staged. If you had doubted that it was being sold for even a second, this seems to confirm it.
Yunho invites you to sit down in the living room, which, like the foyer, has that sort of clinical, empty feeling. Once again put off by the lack of noise, the absence of not even an old drama playing from his grandparents first floor bedroom or the creak of a floorboard being moved over, you ask the first question that comes to mind.
“Where are your grandparents?”
Yunho looks up at you from his spot on the corner loveseat and parts his lips to let out a resigned sign. “They…don’t live here anymore. Which is kinda why the house is being sold.”
Noticing the growing puzzlement and worry on your face, Yunho finally launches into an explanation.
“Last semester, I kind of reached my breaking point in realizing how unsustainable it was for me to be a full time college student and be the sole caretakers of my elderly guardians,” he begins, making your heart twinge with sadness as you remember the moment last summer when he confessed how difficult this balancing act had been.
His explanation of the situation only makes your heart hurt more. “I would have to drive 3 hours out almost every week to come and attend to them when they weren’t able to figure stuff out by asking the neighbors, or by me instructing them through the phone. I was missing classes, my grades were dropping, and I just knew I couldn’t do it anymore.”
Yunho sighs, bearing the weight of his upper body on his knees before uttering his next words quietly. “So I…I reached out to my parents.”
Yunho’s lowly spoken admission causes you to lean forward in renewed interest. Because you know what it must’ve took for him to reach out to the people who you know – from his own admission – abandoned him as a baby and never looked back.
“I’ve never had their number, so I had to use my grandfather’s old phonebook. He highlights all of the important numbers,” Yunho explains, chuckling slightly in a way that momentarily lights up his contemplative expression. “I honestly didn’t think they’d answer. But when they did, I explained the situation. All I was asking of them was to maybe pitch in during the school year to help take care of them – they are my mother’s parents, after all – but to my surprise, they ended up helping far more than that.”
“What happened, Yunho?” you prompt eagerly, not able to help yourself from the sudden outburst – he was telling this story far too slowly and you could no longer handle the suspense.
Sitting up a little, Yunho looked off into another direction as he attempted to recollect the moment in full detail.
“We had a talk. And we came to the agreement that my grandparents are getting to the age where they need a lot more day-to-day help than what any of us can offer them. So they’ve moved into this home for elderly people. I told them – my parents – that there was no way I was going to be able to pay the fees for something like that.”
Yunho’s eyes go wide, as if he’s still unable to believe this next part himself. “But they said they’d take care of everything. And so far, they have.”
You raise your eyebrows, pleasantly surprised but not making any value judgements on his parents just yet. They did, after all, impart a huge trauma on Yunho, an action that in many ways inadvertently dominoed into his carelessness in his romantic life. His carelessness with you.
“My biggest thing was not wanting my grandparents to feel like I was abandoning them. They were there for me when no one else was,” confesses Yunho, concern etching itself into his face in a way that makes your heart pull.
But with his next words, you notice his disposition becoming a lot lighter, and what he tells you causes a smile to light up your own expression. “But I visited them last week, and they love it there. They have friends their age and a pool and all sorts of nice stuff,” he says, meeting your gaze with a sentimental look in his eyes that turns slowly suggestive with his next words.
“The last time we talked, we actually had a long conversation about you, actually.”
Seeing the smirk that overtakes Yunho’s face at this confession, you raise an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yeah. They knew I was seeing someone — they said they heard a lot of noise coming from my room whenever you were here —” he remarks, the both of you giggling in shame at the thought of being heard. “And I told them…how I made a lot of stupid decisions when it came to you. And they gave me some really good advice.”
You’d usually feel the weight of dread at the bottom of your stomach at any reference to the turmoil you experienced last year. But the fact that Yunho’s acknowledging his actions so plainly, moreover knowing that he was vulnerable with his grandparents, who you know very well were blissfully unaware of Yunho’s unsavory behavior, warms your heart unexpectedly. You lean towards him and feel a smile creasing the corners of your lips. “Like what?” you ask in curiosity.
“That if you love someone,” he says, looking down at his feet in an uncharacteristically shy fashion. “You’ll set aside your pride and reflect on how you can grow to be the best version of yourself, not just for them, but for yourself.”
Your lips twitch with a smile at these words.
“Anyways,” he continues. “My mom has been really helpful in helping me sell the house. I find out she does real estate.”
“So you’re talking to them, then?” you ask, unable to hold back the tone of surprise in your voice. Because you had gotten the impression so far that he forged a temporary truce with his parents so as to get help in an impossible situation. But it’s a lot bigger of a move to continue the relationship outside of these matters.
Yunho sighs deeply once more, looking down at the space between his knees. “I’m just as surprised as you are, honestly. When we talked, they told me they had been waiting for me to reach out for a long time. They were under the impression that I wanted nothing to do with them, so they’d held back from initiating any contact, thinking they were resepcting my boundaries.
“They know very well that they were wrong for leaving me with my grandparents,” he tells you, sounding less resentful about the matter and to your suprise, impassive. “But neither of them were ready to be parents. I know that what they did was wrong and how it impacted me was not okay. But I’m trying to have some understanding for them. At least enough to let them back into my life, even if it’s by tiny increments.”
Yunho makes a pinching motion with his hand that for some reason makes you laugh. His stance is incredibly compassionate and you can’t say that you’d have the maturity to do the same in his shoes.
“Plus,” he continues, a smirk forming on his lips. “It also helps that they’ve started to send money towards my tuition.”
Your eyes go wide in surprise. Knowing how hard he’s had to work every summer in order to pay for his education, you know how big of a difference that could make. “Wow, Yunho. That’s amazing.”
He nods humbly in agreement. As you sit in pleasant silence, satisfied now that you’ve heard his explanation of the situation, there’s one last concerned thought that suddenly occurs to you.
“Where are you going to live once the house is sold?”
Yunho meets your gaze apprehensively, as if he had been waiting for you to ask that question. “About that…” he begins, not at all making you feel good about whatever he’s about to say.
“So far, I’ve just been living in the house and cleaning up after myself so it dosen’t look lived-in when we do these tours and stuff. But we have a potential buyer coming tomorrow, and it’s looking pretty promising,” he explains, smiling placidly.
“I’ll be fine when school starts. I live on campus, and I’m a senior anway, so I was already planning on finding my own place once I graduated,” he states assuredly. “But for the remainder of the summer, Kai was gonna let me sleep in his room.”
You let this new information wash over you and take a second to think about how it makes you feel. But before you can even make any judgements, good or bad, you still find yourself thinking through the logistics of it all. Because it’s not just you and Kai’s opinions that need to be considered for this to happen. “Have you talked to my mom about it?”
“Yeah. She was actually the person who suggested it,” he asserts, and when you raise an eyebrow in confusion, he hits you with yet another unexpected piece of information. “We were having tea one day while you were at work, and I let her know all of this.”
Your reaction to these words is one of audible shock, not just at the notion of your family knowing every detail of this story before you did, but also at the fact that your mother and Yunho just…casually have tea when you’re not around.
“I wanted to tell you myself,” Yunho explains, fighting back a laugh as he takes in the shocked and dramatically offended look you give him. “But I wasn’t too sure how receptive you’d be at the idea of me moving in the same house as you.”
“Of course I’m fine with it, Yunho,” you decide. Because when you consider the alternative, you couldn’t imagine Yunho staying anywhere else except for with your family. “I wouldn’t want you to be homeless or something.”
You didn’t realize how much your permission meant to Yunho until you see the impact of your words painted all over his grateful expression. He stares at you in a way that feels meaningful and kind. “Thank you, Y/N. I really appreciate it.”
“Even if you don’t move in immediately, you’ll be coming to my mom’s pool party, still?” you ask, hopefulness bleeding into your voice as the idea of seeing Yunho more often suddenly begins to sink in. You can’t help the fact that, even after all that’s happened, there is a sense of giddiness that blooms inside of you when thinking about him being around.
He chuckles, shaking his head in a way that causes the locks of his dark hair to fan over his face handsomely. “I don’t think she’d let me miss it for the world.”
Giggling girlishly in response, you find that you are unable to drop Yunho’s gaze or say anything that could break the intense silence that has fallen between the two of you. There is a part of you that for just a few seconds is taken back to the moments you spent together two summers ago. The times where just by looking at you he could make you feel so safe and wanted.
Though large parts of your being ache to lean into those memories and the feelings associated with them, you shake your head and are brought back to the reality of the moment, which is that you cannot continue to sit in this tense silence for Yunho much longer. “Anyways, I should go,” you mumble out, getting up from your seat.
Yunho, though appearing the smallest bit dismayed, walks you out and bids you goodbye as you make the short trek from his lawn to yours.
It wasn’t at all your intention to make yourself stand out at your mother’s pool party. But you didn’t realize just how much skin the bathing suit you ordered was showing until you were facing your reflection in the bathroom mirror, trying it on for the first time. You pulled at the strings connected the two rectangles which comprised your strapless top, ensuring it was tight enough before moving to do the same for your bottoms.
It was not at all lost on you that for the first time in a while, you could look yourself in the mirror and feel a sense of confidence in yourself and your appearance. After all that had transpired between you and Yunho, you had found yoursrelf in the terrible habit of comparing yourself to other girls, feeling as if your self-esteem was made or broken entirely by how much attention you were given by him. Now, you could appreciate your reflection for what it meant to you and less about what it meant for others.
It was perfectly poetic then, that as you were having these thoughts, Yunho came bursting into the bathroom behind you. You can see that it was an accident on his part – you have a terrible habit of leaving the bathroom door open when you’re getting ready, and you can tell by Yunho’s aloof and frenzied expression that he’s in a bit of rush and probably didn’t think to peek in before entering. Either way, he stops for a minute when he notices you’re in there, and for the briefest of seconds, you notice his eyes travel in the mirror from your face to your bikini-clad body.
“Oh, Hi Y/N,” he greets, taking on a sort of dazed look as he seems to have to collect himself after finding you in such a vulnerable, exposed state.
He’d been staying at your house now for the past few weeks, spending most of his time in Kai’s room but occasionally coming out for dinner or to use the bathroom. Looking back, you can’t imagine why you felt any apprehension about him staying here – the arrangement is truly no different from all the past summers where it felt like he came over every day, anyway.
Unexpected, however, is the way your body reacts when you do occasionally run into each other around the house, nervousness and anticipation taking over as if you’re experiencing that same sort of push-and-pull that led you together 2 summers ago.
You meet his gaze in the mirror, noticing that he, too, is quite exposed, wearing his swim trunks and nothing else. His abs are still incredibly defined and his body incredibly lean, and now you find yourself staring with the same sort of interest.
“Hi, Yunho,” you reply back, though you realize a little bit later than intended, distracted by his presence. “Going to the party, I see?”
“Yeah,” he remarks in his best attempt at sounding casual, though you can tell that he’s fighting to keep his eyes on your face and not your ass, bent over in front of him. You only found yourself in this position so that you could see your top in the mirror better, but you can assume how enticing you must look from Yunho’s vantage point.
“I was just coming to get something,” he tells you in a strained sort of way, his adam's apple bobbing as he takes a long swallow. “Do you mind if I grab that comb?”
“Sure,” you relent, watching with curious eyes as he steps into the bathrooms and leans in to grab a small black comb from the kitchen sink. His outsrretched arm grazes against your own and his hips just slightly ghost your backside. As he withdraws from you, you swear you notice the tiniest smirk on his lips.
Whether intentional or not, the tension between the two of you is incredibly palpable. You feel your blood pulsing hot in your veins in a way you haven’t felt in a while. You’re no longer in need of Yunho’s validation to feel confident anymore. All the same, it doesn’t hurt to be wanted.
After grabbing the comb, Yunho moves to leave the bathroom, though not at all without making it obvious through his expression and slow movements that he’d rather stay and ogle at you. “Guess I’ll see you downstairs, then?”
“Sure,” you agree innocently, watching him turn his back on you and exit the bathroom. A part of you wonders how far that interaction might have gone had either of you had the dare to continue it, but you’re not able to ponder on it for much longer before your mother comes and finds you in the bathroom next, only a few moments later.
“Sweetie, there’s a guest downstairs whose asking for you,” she informs you, whistling playfully when she sees your appearance in the mirror. You swat away her praises and remember that it must be Mingi who is waiting for you, so you head downstairs immediately to greet him.
You open your front door to find Mingi standing on your porch steps, looking handsome in his patterned swim trunks and white t-shirt. He, too, is unable to fight his wide-eyed gaze as he takes in your bikini-clad appearance, making your face warm as he eyes you from your head to your toes.
“Hi,” you greet, unable to stop the way your voice goes shy in his presence. He is, after all, very good looking, and it doesn’t help that his gaze has not once left your body even as he’s stepping into your house, where your mom and brother are lurking somewhere.
“Hi,” he says back, his voice as deep and as ever. “Thanks for inviting me.”
His long arms snake around you to pull you into a hug. You take note of how firm his chest is, and also, his cologne, which smells expensive. You’d usually make a teasing remark, asking how he’s managed to afford such a luxury while working minimum wage as a grad student, but there’s something about his presence that has rendered you quiet and awe-struck so that the only thing you can say is, “Ready to go outside?”
He nods, so you lead him out your back door and into the backyard. The pool party had quite a turnout; people from your neighborhood of all ages had shown up. You had helped set up a little earlier, so that there were streamers hung around your wooden fence and a stereo set up to blast non-stop pop music. Wanting to find your family to introduce to Mingi, you searched the crowd and quickly found Kai and your mother huddled by the sprinklers – Yunho with them.
Though not exactly a crime, you were hoping to avoid interacting with Yunho while Mingi was next to you. The last time the two met, it was only by the grace of God that it didn't end in blows. The last thing you wanted was to cause such a scene at your mother’s pool party where tons of adolescents would have to bear witness.
Nonetheless, it wasn’t as if you could tell Mingi, “I want to introduce you to my family, but not now, because the person you hate is here.” You had little hope that Yunho would be leaving Kai’s side anytime soon, anyway. So, keeing your gaze low so as to avoid locking eyes with Yunho, you strolled over to your family casually.
“Mom,” you call out, catching the attention of all three of them. “This is Mingi, my friend from work.”
You watch with a smile as your Mom’s eyes light up at the sight of Mingi, the playful look she throws you while shaking his hand suggesting that she’s already planning your successful marriage in her mind.
You wait for them to finish greeting each other before turning to your brother, still ignoring Yunho as he stands idly at his side. “Mingi, this is my brother Kai, also.”
“Sup,” says Kai, shaking the taller Mingi’s hand firmly. Perhaps noticing how his best friend has been left out of the conversation, Kai moves to introduce him, much to your internal horror. “This is Yunho.”
“Oh, we’ve met,” Yunho perks up to say, smiling almost too well-meaingly at the two of you as he slips his hands into the pockets of his swim trunks. “Nice to meet you under better circumstances, though.”
“Most definitely,” replies Mingi tersely, attempting a polite smile but when seemingly unable to hold it, opts for a neutral grimace instead.
The air between the 5 of you turns quiet and awkward, and you’re sure this must look cryptic and strange from the point of view of Kai and your mother. Kai, most likely to avoid this atmosphere, announces his exit a few moments later. “Well, I’m on grill duty, so I’ll see all of you later.” Your mom, perhaps for the same reasons, finds one of your next door neighbors nearby and strikes up a conversation about gardening.
That leaves you, Mingi, and Yunho alone, perhaps the worst possible outcome you could’ve expected when you decided to introduce Mingi to everyone. You’re grateful when, in a mature move, Yunho is first to break the awkward silence with an attempt at reconicliating the foul mood that has taken the three of you. “I don’t think I ever got the chance to apologize to you for the last time we met,” he says. “A lot was going on at the time and, simply put, I was an asshole to you for no reason.”
Your eyes quickly flit over to Mingi, anxiously awaiting his response. “You were,” he replies, nodding in grim confirmation. “But it’s been a year since then. So no need to apologize.”
You’d think that by reaching such an agreement that the awkwardness would cease. Instead, it feels like you’re watching battle of will between the two men, who continue to quietly survey each other as if they’ve forgotten you’re between them. Slightly annoyed and no longer wanting to remain in such an atmosphere, you tug at Mingi’s elbow. “Do you wanna get into the pool?”
Looking down at you with an expression much like he’s just noticed you were there, Mingi nods sheepishly. “Sure.”
You turn your heels towards the pool, but before you can take a step forward, Mingi is already tugging his shirt off his body. He throws it somewhere at Yunho’s feet in what you’re sure is a show of dominance, and you don’t wait to see how he will react – a little more forcefully, you pull Mingi with you to the far end of the pool.
Once you’re away from Yunho and lounging in the shallow waters of the pool, you expect Mingi to bring up what just happened. Instead, you talk about school and how little you’re both looking forward to heading in for a shift tomorrow. You’re grateful but still feel a little bit like there’s an elephant in the room that you’re ignoring, an elephant who is still lingering somewhere in your backyard, stealing glances at the two of you when he thinks you’re not looking.
Mingi finds a pair of water guns – or more accurately, takes them from your neighbor’s kids when they get up to go grab something to eat – and the two of you play-fight with them, swimming lazily to avoid the other’s aim. The act of chasing you through the water for at least an hour eventually tires Mingi out, so that he later leaves to go get something to eat from Kai on the grill. He offers to make you a plate but you decline, not feeling hungry.
Waiting for Mingi to come back from eating, you sit on the edge of the pool, kicking your feet lazily through the water. You don’t know what causes you to look up, but when you do, you lock eyes with Yunho is sitting on the opposite end of the pool, nearly mirroring your posture with the way he’s sitting on the edge of the pool with only his feet submerged. You smile at him, and he returns it, but you’re almost certain that you’ve caught him in the act of checking you out again. There was a look in his eyes that was intense, burning, but it washed away into something neutral the moment he noticed you staring back.
Deciding that your throat is dry, you leave the pool and head inside in search of something to drink. You locate the kitchen and find a cold water bottle to take back with you. But you quickly find that you’re much more inclined to stay in the air-conditioned cold of your home than you are to go back outside to the party. Opening your water bottle, you take your time in drinking it, leaning casually against the kitchen sink when, suddenly, you hear a noise.
Looking behind you, you notice that the back door you just came through is sliding open once more. In comes Yunho, who you wonder saw you leaving the party and decided to follow you inside.
“Oh, hey, Y/N,” he says with a innocent smile, sliding the back door shut behind him before heading casually in your direction.
“Hey,” you greet back, watching him curiously as he goes to grab a water bottle from the fridge. “How’s it going?”
“Good, good. I see we got the same idea,” he comments in a perfunctory sort of way, nodding to the water bottle in your hand. You smile, muttering something about how hot it is and needing something to cool down with. The two of you stand across from each other, him at the counter island and you at the sink, enjoying your cold drinks. His presence is comforting but there is something just a little tense about the energy in the room. It could be because you’re alone for the first time in a while. It could also be that you’re both in your swimwear, trying not to make the other uncomfortable by staring at their exposed skin.
“Enjoying the party?” he breaks the silence to ask mechanically.
You shrug, watching his slender fingers squeeze around the water bottle with mild interest. “Well, you know. We’re some of the oldest people here. I feel a little bit out of place.”
He nods in understanding before saying, seemingly out of nowhere, “Mingi seems nice.”
You can’t help but burst into laughter, raising a playful and surprised eyebrow at him. “What?” Yunho asks innocently.
“Choice words for someone who has shown nothing but aversion towards the man.”
Yunho rolls his eyes, joining you in laughter before crossing his arms seriously. “Okay, maybe me and him got off on the wrong foot. But what’s the phrase? If you like it, I love it?”
“Sure,” you confirm, still smiling as you watch Yunho pretend to feel kindly towards Mingi. Sensing that Yunho’s sudden interest in your coworker isn’t entirely innocent, you decide to be nice and clarify that there’s nothing going on between the two of you. “But you should know, Yunho, that me and Mingi are just friends.”
“Really?” he remarks defiantly, trying to keep his voice and facial expression neutral as he says his next words. “Because the way he acts around you says something completely different.”
Your lips raise in a questioning smirk. “Are you jealous?”
“Jealous?” Yunho repeats in disbelief, waving you off with his hand. “I just want you to be happy.”
You cock your head to the side as you look at him, scanning his unreadable face and wondering what he’s playing at by pretending to be enthused at the idea of you pursuing someone else. “Even if it means being with someone that isn’t you?”
“You know how I feel about you, Y/N,” he replies, a bit of that romantic, passionate edge coming into his voice like it always does when he speaks about his affection for you. “But if you decide you no longer want to be with me, I’m okay with us just being friends.”
Something about his words don’t sit right with you. Still, you smile placidly at him. “Are you?”
“Yes. You’ll just have to promise that if someone ever hurts you, you’ll let me know immediately,” he says, still giving you the sense that he’s joking when he raises his fist to his palm. But a bit of that serious, sentimentality bleeds into his words when he mutters, “You know I’d do anything for you.”
At first, you weren’t sure why Yunho making these declarations bothered you so much. But now as you stand here, basking in the comfort that talking to him brings, you realize that you don’t want him to be just your friend.
You don’t want him to be okay with you dating someone else.
You want him to feel – just as you’ve always felt, even when he hurt you the most – that you could truly never feel the same way for anyone as you feel for him.
And though you get the feeling that he does share your feelings, he must think that being righteous like this is the better path to your heart. He couldn’t be any further from the truth.
You put your drink down on the counter. Inspired by the words he once told you in this kitchen in what feels like so long ago, you call out his name, “Yunho.”
He meets your gaze, watching with slight interest as your lips pull into a smirk.
“I don’t wanna be just your friend.”
You’re not sure what sort of response you were expecting at those words. But you can feel the tension in the room growing to its height almost immediately after you say them.
Yunho raises an eyebrow at you, as if he’s not quite sure if he heard you correctly. But when you maintain his gaze, a bit of coyish daring in your expression, the implications of your words hit him all at once until he's striding over to you, letting all inhibitions go and kissing you hard on the lips.
Your body is up against the sink, just as it was when he first kissed you here. He cups both sides of your face with his hands and you hold onto his wrists, the two of you tangled in each other’s embrace like a cage you never want to break out of.
You start slow, working your way back to familiar ground — after all, it's been almost two years since you last did this — and then it’s like you blink and you’re allowing his tongue into your mouth, the kiss growing desperate, passionate. Outside, you can faintly hear the laughter of children and the pool splashing. But the two of you are in your own world, a world where the only thing that matters is making out with each other.
It’s hard to realize how much you need something until you have it again after being deprived of it for a long time. There are months and months of built-up tension and energy stored in your body, and it's as if the only way to expel it is by kissing him, touching him, feeling his skin against yours.
And with both of your frantic, sexual energy trying to be expelled at once, the kiss becomes chaotic, sloppy —- tongues touching, spit wetting the corners of your lips, bodies knocking things over as you roll between the oven, the fridge, and the counter island. You have half a mind to think about if someone were to walk in right now and see you two making an absolute mess of this kitchen, and of each other. But you don’t think you could find it in yourself to care, even if you tried.
When you’re finally forced to pull away just to breathe, your reprieve from the growing arousal building in your stomach is brief; Yunho’s lips quickly find your neck, kissing trails of open-mouthed hickies from your jaw to your collarbone. Your neck tilts involuntarily, habitually, to provide him with more access.
Fingers tangling in his hair, you find that the moans you’ve been suppressing to avoid being heard are becoming harder and harder to fight. Wanting nothing more to get him somewhere private and ravage him, you pull him away from your chest with a regretful sigh.
“Yunho,” you call out weakly, stomach swopping as you take in his flushed, dazed appearance in front of you. “Do you wanna go upstairs?”
He nods quickly, a sheepish smile on his lips as runs a hand through his hair in an attempt to compose himself. “Yeah, sure.”
Taking his hand, you lead him to your upstairs bedroom, hoping faintly that no one at the party will notice your sudden absence. No later than after your door is closed do you move to push Yunho backward by his shoulders and onto the edge of your bed, legs lifting to straddle his lap.
His hands find your waist and your arms circle his neck in a position that is much like a warm hug – familiar and unforgettable even when it’s been so long since he’s held you like this. Your lips crash against his, and once again, you become lost in another heated make-out.
In just your bathing suits, the fabric thin and flimsy, you’re unable to resist the temptation to grind against his lap. You can feel his erection growing beneath you with the same sort of friction as if you were skin-to-skin. He groans receptively into your mouth, hands moving to palm your ass in encouragement. The friction is delightful but also close to unbearable – he can feel himself quite literally about to burst at the seams with the desire to fuck you.
In a moment of sudden clarity, he pulls away from you to search your expression for any hesitance, any sign that you might regret this later. “We don’t have to go any further than this if you don’t want to,” he tells you, feeling your uneven breathing against his face, seeing the glossy, unfocused lust in your eyes become clear as you consider his words.
He’s right to say something, because the rational, protective part of your brain has to wonder if it’s smart to jump right into things when you still have yet to have a proper conversation about the status of your relationship. But It feels like, for the first time in a while, your affection for Yunho is outweighing the parts of you that have been distrustful of him. And God, do you want to lean into that feeling and hold onto it for as long as you can.
“I think…we should keep going,” you declare in a steady, sure voice. “And if I start to feel overwhelmed, then we stop.”
“Then we stop,” he echos in agreeance, moving to tuck a piece of your hair behind your ear affectionately. The gesture is simple and almost unconscious on his part, but it causes your stomach to swoop, bringing you back into the charged atmosphere from before as you lean down to meet him in a passionate kiss.
Eventually, his lips find your neck once again, attaching themselves to the juncture just above your shoulder. Your spine arches as you pull him in closer, digging your nails into the broadness of his back and growing impatient as the warmth in your nether regions grows stronger with every passing second.
“Yunho,” you breathe out impatiently. “Touch me.”
He seems to know exactly what you’re asking for as he moves to lay you flat on your back, rolling on top of you and positioning himself between your legs. “I missed you,” he mumbles breathily into your skin.
“I missed you too,” you reply, holding his head as he kisses between your cleavage. Noticing his hesitance to remove your swimsuit, you reach behind your back and undo the knots yourself. He takes the hint when he sees the fabric begin to sag off of your chest and does the rest of the work of pulling it off for you. Cold air hits your now exposed nipples but is soon replaced by the warm wetness of Yunho’s mouth, his free hand pinching and squeezing whatever parts of your body he can’t currently reach with his tongue.
He pulls off of your nipple with a wet and lewd pop, and before moving to accommodate the other one, looks up at you with a sincere, loving look in his eyes. “You’re so sexy. I can’t get enough of you.”
You mumble out something equally complimentary but aren’t sure if it’s heard as you’re launched almost immediately after into a moan, owing to the way his teeth just slightly graze your nipple as he moves further down your body.
He decorates your sternum with soft, fleeting kisses. “I missed you fucking me,” he continues, his mouth finding your belly button where he leaves a chaste kiss. “I missed fucking you. I missed how you smell. How you tasted.”
With both his words and his ministrations, you feel yourself about to combust from the pleasure, but not before his head finally finds itself between your thighs. You spread your legs, giving him an easier job of tugging your bikini bottoms down your legs. Fully exposed, you let out a small yelp of surprise when, without any pretense or wasting any time, he pulls you up by your hips and licks your clit into his warm mouth.
You’re not sure if it’s because it’s been so long since you last experienced this or because of the lack of warning, but the pleasure that comes to you is instant and overwhelming. His vigor in eating you out is different than you’ve ever felt it before. It’s as if the length of time you’ve been apart has him eager to make up for lost time, eager to enjoy something he’s been deprived of for far too long. The noises he makes are lewd and wet as he laps at your wetness, weaponizing his tongue so that every lick against your mound sends a newer, stronger shock of pleasure throughout your body.
A hard suck against your clit has you twisting and squirming away from him, but his hold on your hips is vice-tight and forces you to endure the quick and effective flicks of his tongue. Seduced by the drip of your arousal, he brings his attention downward where he flicks his wet tongue in and out of your hole. He seems to have long abandoned the concept of oxygen, refusing to let up even as your thighs squeeze forcefully around his head. You have no choice but to surrender to the pleasure, so you grab onto his head with one arm, sitting up on your elbow with the other, and tilt your head back as you cry out in enjoyment.
It’s not long at all before your body is trembling in preparation for what you anticipate to be the quickest and strongest orgasm of your life. And even as you hold on tight to the strands of his messy hair to steel yourself, you’re still overwhelmed when your pleasure hits its peak and you come with a loud moan. The euphoria feels never-ending. You try hard not to scream as he continue to lick you through it with the same vigor that brought you there in the first place. You have to hope that everyone is still outside and unable to hear you as fail to suppress a series of strained whimpers and moans.
Yunho remains between your legs, but relaxes the movements of his mouth so that they resemble that of kisses than of the relentless sucking from before. You feel one of his arms slip away from its hold on your hips, and before you know it, a long, curved finger is being pushed into your sopping cunt. What you thought was the sensitivity of your first orgasm dying down you now realize is the sensation of another one building up.
When a second finger joins the first, applying pressure to a spot that makes your brain white out, you know that it’s over for you. You’re catapulted into your second orgasm of the day only a few moments later. The pleasant feeling of two releases in a row washes over you, bringing an unescapable warmth that travels from the top of your head to the soles of your feet.
“God,” you sigh out, feeling your body melt into the bed as Yunho pushes himself off of you. “I forgot how good you were at that.”
He chuckles softly at your words, his elbows finding purchase on either side of your head as he moves to hover over you. Turning your head in his hold, he kisses you affectionately on the cheek, nose, and jaw. “And I forgot how good of a girl you are,” he praises, and it seems to hit you differently when his mouth is right next to your ear and his voice takes on that sexy, dominant rasp. Reaching down to push at the waistband of his swim shorts, you release his erect cock from its confines and stroke him lazily with one hand. He groans softly in response.
“Do you have a condom?” he pulls away from you to ask, sitting up on his knees and watching you bite your lip as you realize you forgot about protection entirely.
“No. But I haven’t been with anyone else since the last time we…”
You’re not sure why you trail off, or why you become suddenly shy, but Yunho quickly fills the silence with his own admission.
“Neither have I,” he tells you assuredly, and in the back of your mind, you can’t help but feel unsure if he’s telling you the truth or not. In all honesty, a part of you had long expected that he would have slept with someone else this past year. It’s not as if you ended last summer in any place of certainty.
But even as you search his expression for any signs of insincerity, you aren’t able to find anything besides fiery devotion. “I was telling you the truth last summer when I told you I couldn’t be with anyone except you,” he remarks in the most straightforward, honest way.
After all that’s transpired between the two of you, all of the stories he’s told you about his prior exploits with women, hearing that he’s remained celibate for this long on your behalf has you feeling surprised, impressed, and turned on all at once. Your attraction to him reaching it’s boiling point, you reach up to pull him down by his neck. “Come fuck me, then.”
A satisfied grin splits his handsome features wide open before he meets you in a languid, passionate kiss. When he kisses you like this, it truly feels like time stops, and that it’s just the two of you in your pink, optimistic bubble of love and affection for one another.
He pulls away from you and you can see it in his eyes that he can no longer wait to fuck you. It’s a subtle switch but one you notice in the way his brown eyes turn dark and hooded, the way urgency bleeds into his movements as he positions the head of his cock at your entrance.
“Look at me,” he commands, waiting until you meet his gaze before he’s easing the tip of his length inside of you. The look of pure euphoria on your face as he proceeds to fill you up completely is something he’s missed so much. It’s almost more pleasurable than his own satisfaction at his cock being squeezed by your warmth.
Full and satisfied for the first time in a long time, you’re immediately overwhelmed and feel a real tear stream down your cheek. Yunho, trying on his own to hold back from fucking into you, notices you crying and goes rigid with concern. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” you sigh breathily, voice shaky as you struggle to breathe. “It’s just…been a while.”
“Who are you telling?” he chuckles out, feeling relieved to know that he’s made you cry for a good reason for once. But it’s quickly replaced by a groan when he gives you a languid thrust and feels you clench around him. “Fuck, Y/N. You’re so fucking tight.”
It feels as if your entire body is on fire when he finally begins to fuck you, setting a slow, easy pace at first but quickly progressing to something faster when he encounters no resistance. Every nerve, every brain cell, every synapses and atom in your body all burn hot with the flame of arousal as he eases his cock in and out of you with feverish pace and accuracy. Long forgetting what it would mean for someone to hear you from outside your room, you whimper with the force of each and every thrust. And Yunho, taken by his attraction and desire for you, takes hold of your chin and kisses you through it, swallowing up every little noise you make and giving you his own in return.
In a move that makes your heart swell with adoration, he laces his fingers into yours and holds them above your head, keeping you in place as he continues to fuck into you. Even with a move that’s so simple, you’re taken back to the moments in your relationship where you felt the most safe and loved by him. And there’s something about being stimulated both physically and emotionally that only seems to increase your yearning and your desperation to be ruined by him, right when you thought it couldn’t possibly get any stronger.
“Yunho, please,” you whimper out, not even knowing what you are begging for. Please don’t stop, please go harder, please stay like this forever.
“Do you wanna come again?” he asks, placing chaste kisses on the side of your face. “What do you need? Tell me.”
You’ve long lost the ability to communicate what you’re thinking coherently. All you know is that something feral has taken over inside of you to the point where all you want is for him to use you, to fuck each and every thought out of your head until nothing is left but blissed-out nothingness.
“Just more,” is what you manage to whimper out, your fingernails digging into his ass in an effort to push him deeper inside of you.
His eyes are glued to your face, turned on at the way you grow frustrated in your need to get off. You have become so much more assertive in his absence and all he can do is watch you with admiration and awe.
“You like it harder?” he asks, voice dropping with confidence, punctuating his words with a particularly firm thrust that sends you up the bed.
You make a noise that he correctly interprets affirmatively. In a sudden change of position, he sits up on his knees and guides your legs so that they rest on his shoulders. As he leans forward, you’re effectively folded like a lawn chair, bringing him so deep inside of you that it’s hard to tell where he ends and you begin.
“Oh my fucking god,” you exclaim, the last words you’re able to form before you begin to babble incoherently.
“No one can ever fuck you like this,” he rasps from above you, the sounds of skin rapidly meeting skin filling the room. He’s reaching places inside of you that you didn’t know existed, a pleasure you’ve never known before building inside of you with each relentless snap of his hips. He knows how good he’s fucking you, and it’s brought out a cocky, possessive side of him that is contributing to your growing arousal.
“You’re mine, do you understand?”
Drunk on lust, you decide to play into his possessiveness, overcome by a different, feral side of you that isn’t concerned about the implications of this. “Yes,” you moan out, and for good measure, “I’m yours, Yunho.”
His concentrated expression is broken by a satisfied grin. “That’s right pretty girl,” he praises, letting go of one of your ankles to reach down and tweak at your clit. “Tell me who’s fucking you this good.”
“You, Yunho,” you reply through your shaky, hoarse voice, thighs shaking as his circles against your clit go from exploratory and teasing to intentional and targeted.
“Say my name again,” he growls out, a feverish side to him you’ve never seen before coming out and turning you on more than you’d ever imagine. With his words comes a swipe at a spot deep inside of you that has your vision growing blurry with tears once more. “Yunho, fuck!” you cry out.
“Goddamn it, Y/N. You’re gonna make me come,” he hisses, feeling himself begin to come apart and taking in long, deep breaths through his nose. His grip on your ankle is so tight you’re sure he’s leaving bruises, and with the way you’re clawing at his back, you can hardly complain.
“Then come,” you plead, completely lost in the animalistic need for his release, needing it to trigger your own.
“Please, I need you, Yunho.”
His thrusts become sloppy and uncontrolled, the most delicious-sounding groans and sighs leaving his mouth as his own peak approaches. Among the frantic energy that is created by the two of you searching desperately for your release, it’s in a moment of stillness that he leans down to mutter against your lips, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” you’re replying, your usual hesitance to say the words overshadowed by the fact that you’re being fucked into the next lifetime. And it’s in rather poetic fashion that only moments after the words fall from your lips, the two of you are coming in unison.
“Fuck,” Yunho grunts, spilling inside of you with one last, firm thrust. Your walls clench and flutter, filled with his warm cum, your stomach left in shambles as your third orgasm passes through you.
Pulling out of you with a sigh, Yunho rolls to lay at your side, your chests rising and falling in tandem as you come down from your orgasms. An unspoken silence falls between the two of you. You don’t need to speak to know that that was the best sex of either of your lives.
“We should probably go back down before someone notices we’re gone,” you say after a while, turning your head weakly to look over at Yunho.
“We probably should,” he agrees, though not sounding at all enthused, turning at his side to wipe sweaty pieces of hair off of your face.
As you both stare at each other, matching looks of sleepy comfort in your eyes, it seems obvious that neither of you are going to move, nor will you urge the other to do the same. Rendered tired and unwound from the sex, your eyes flutter closed until you’re falling asleep in each other’s embrace.
Some time passes after you fall asleep; how much, you can’t be sure. All you know is that when you wake up, someone is pounding on your door.
“Y/N? Are you in there?” you hear your mother yell, the sound of your doorknob being yanked up and down stirring you into alertness. “The door’s locked and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Instinctually reaching for your phone on your bedside table, your homescreen reveals that you have several missed calls from “mommy <3”.
Panicking, you move to sit up, only to comprehend in sleepy horror that Yunho is in your bed – It’s one thing for your mother to catch you with Yunho in your room, but to catch you in the same bed with him, completely naked, is another. You see him stirring slightly and push his arm off your body, shaking him awake.
“Yunho,” you call out in a low but urgent whisper, fully aware of your mother’s presence outside of the door and not wanting her to hear you. “Get up.”
“Huh?” he drawls in his confused tiredness.
You squeeze tightly on his wrist, looking him in the eyes so he can see how serious you’re being when you say, “My mom is outside the door.”
You see recognition cross his face as he seems to suddenly notice the knocking on the door and the position the two of you are in. He sits up in one single, urgent movement. “Oh shit.”
Hearing your mom let out another loud knock, you jump. “Coming, mom!” you yell in reply.
“Oh good, you’re in there!” she exclaims in relief. “Were you taking a nap, sweetie?”
But you can’t respond to her right now, too focused on shuffling Yunho out of your bed and trying to think of what to do. Now fully alert, he looks to you for guidance as he stands at the end of your bed, panic all over his face.
“Hide in my closet. Quietly,” you decide, directing him in a low voice, and then getting up to put some clothes on so that your mother doesn’t have the chance to wonder why you’re lounging around naked. Pulling a pair of sweatpants on, yelling another mantra of, “Coming!” to your mother, you watch with anxiety as Yunho struggles to fit his tall frame into your closet without making any noise. Eventually, he manages to get inside but not close the door fully. You decide that it’s enough, doubting that your mother will do more than peek her head in, anyway.
“Y/N, can you hear me?” your mother asks from the other side of the door, and finally, you manage to open up.
“Hi mom,” you greet, the task of trying to sound casual made difficult by the adrenaline still pumping in your veins. “Sorry if I scared you. I was feeling sick so I left the party to get some rest. I didn’t realize I had locked my door.”
You’re pleased when she appears more concerned about you being sick than your absence; she raises a hand to your forehead maternally. “Are you feeling okay now?”
“Yeah, I think I just ate something funny. What happens when Kai’s on grill duty,” you joke, watching your mother’s lips curl into a smirk and thinking that you’ve successfully managed to convince her.
“Well, I’m glad to see you’re okay. After the party ended and everyone cleared out, I realized you weren’t there and wanted to check on you,” she says calmly, and you realize that if everyone has left, hours must have passed since you fell asleep. “Your friend Mingi is still here. He wanted to say goodbye to you before he left, so I told him he could wait downstairs.”
At the mention of Mingi, you feel your adrenaline levels once again rising in panic. How you could forget that he was here, you don’t know. But the facts of the situation seem to hit you all at once – you invited him here, put him in an awkward situation with Yunho, and then left him at the party with people he doesn’t know so that you could have sex with Yunho.
“Oh god,” you mutter out, the guilt of the situation weighing down on you like a ton of bricks. “I’m such a terrible person…”
Your mom smooths your hair down reassuringly, but it does nothing to comfort you from the blame that begins to overwhelm you. “I’ll let him know you’re coming down. Make sure you lock the door behind him, because I’m going to sleep. Long day.”
Your mother places a last kiss on your forehead before heading down the hallway for her bedroom. Closing the door behind her, you’re just about to sink against the door and onto the floor when you notice, with horror, that the entire time, Yunho’s swim trunks were visible on the foot of your bed. All you can do is pray to God that your mother didin’t notice them, not needing another thing to worry about on top of explaining to Mingi why you left him for hours in your home.
In your haste to get dressed, you put on a pair of sweatpants that have several food stains on them; you rush over to your dresser, rummaging for something more presentable before you head downstairs to greet Mingi. Long after your mother has left, Yunho ducks his head out of the closet to peek at you. “Is she gone?” he asks in a whisper.
You meet his gaze, realizing you had forgotten he was there; you seem to be on a roll today. “Yeah,” you inform him, a bit of your franticness bleeding into your voice as you slip on a new pair of pants. “I have to go downstairs really quickly. Do you think you could…sneak out of the window, pretend you went to the store or something?”
Though he at least tries to hide it, you can see in Yunho’s defeated face that the last thing he wants to do after being abrutly awakened is to then have to crawl through your tiny window, risking all types of injury just for Kai to likely guess where he was, anyway.
But to your relief, he doesn’t argue, and ultimately, nods. “Yeah. That’s fine.”
“Thank you, Yunho,” you sigh out, grateful to not have to waste any time trying to convince him. However, your hand is on the doorknob, just about to leave your room, when you feel Yunho tugging on your arm.
“Y/N,” he says, the softness in his voice already letting you know what sort of question he’s about to ask you. “Are we ever going to talk about this? What it means for us?”
You stare at him, feeling conflicted and regretful to have to leave him now, too, and not have the conversation you desperately need to have about your relationship. You’re being pulled into two different directions, and unfortunately, Mingi’s feelings are just a lot more urgent to you right now.
“Of course. It’s just…now is not the best time.”
Yunho stares at you for a few seconds, his expression unreadable, and then, he’s letting go of your arm. “Well goodnight, Y/N.”
“Goodnight. Be safe going down my roof.”
He chuckles softly at your words, though you hear the tiniest hint of bitterness behind it. “I will.”
You make your way out of your room and down the stairs, searching for Mingi. You eventually find him sitting in your dimly lit dining room, reminding you eerily of scenes in movies where a person is waiting for someone in the darkness. Before he notices you’re there, you see how annoyed he looks, scrolling through his phone with a look of utter boredom on his face. When he sees you standing in the doorway, however, he does attempt a grin, though it fails to hide the frustration that makes you immediately feel bad.
“Mingi, I–”
“You’re fine, Y/N,” he interrupts you, as if he already knew what you were about to say. He stands up from his seat at the dining table to move closer to you. “Really.”
“No, I’m not,” you insist, your head bowed in shame, feeling almost like you don’t even deserve to look him in his eyes after what you’ve done. “I invited you here and i should have never left you alone–”
“Really, Y/N,” he asserts, holding a hand up to stop you. “you don’t have to–”
But you’re not going to allow him to let you skate off easy for what you feel was a terrible offense. “...I feel like such a terrible person, and I have no idea how I’m going to make it up to you, but I—”
“Why did you invite me here, Y/N?”
After previously remaining undeterred by Mingi’s interruptions, a change in his tone has you going quiet and looking up to notice that his expression has changed – what was once sweetly permissive is now upset, and it becomes clear to you that his assurances from before were likely said in an effort to get you to shut up. Now, his true feelings about your absence are spilling out.
“Because, I’ll be completely honest with you in saying that I thought this was your way of asking me out,” he admits, a sort of candid honesty and rawness in his voice that wasn’t there before. “You know, inviting me to a family thing just felt super intimate and personal.
“But then you left very suddenly and I didn’t hear from you for the rest of the party,” he asserts with a bitter laugh, and a fresh wave of guilt washes over you like the sting of a slap to the face. “So I just want to make sure I’m not wrong here in the sort of vibe I’m picking up.”
He smirks, moving away from his seat at the dining table to move closer to you. You avoid his gaze, not out of shame this time, but out of shyness, only intensified by his next words. “Because I’m very interested in you and could perhaps overlook your terrible hosting skills if you feel the same. Make it up with a date of my own, even.”
You’re not able to resist the chuckle that bubbles out of your mouth at his charm. It feels almost wrong to do so – he should be yelling at you right now, not making you laugh. But even in a moment where you’ve wronged him, he still seems to like you, which fills you with a sudden surge of affection toward him.
Still, you have enough sense left to know that it would be a terrible idea to reciprocate his feelings right now.
Mingi is one of your closest friends and has been there for you in a year where all you needed was someone to talk to. But that’s who he is to you – a friend. A really handsome friend, indeed, and someone who, perhaps in another life, you’d be more open to pursuing things with.
But right now, your heart is somewhere else, and if you ever needed a sign of that, it would be your actions in the past 24 hours. Literally leaving Mingi so that you could have reunion sex with Yunho.
“Mingi,” you reply softly, almost wanting to reach out and hold his hand but knowing that would send all types of mixed messages. “You are a really amazing guy, and I–”
You falter when you notice that he’s started giggling hysterically under his breath. “Why are you…”
“Because those are the famous first words of someone preparing to reject someone.”
His reaction is already worse than you would’ve wanted and it causes you to sigh, realizing there’s no non-awkward way to get out of this. “Believe me when I say that it has nothing to do with you. To be completely honest with you, Mingi, I–”
You pause, wondering for a second how honest you should be, but ultimately deciding that he deserves the truth, especially given how good of a friend he’s been to you. “...I’m still, kind of…getting over my ex. And I don’t think it would be fair to jump into anything with you when I still have feelings.”
Mingi makes a face at the mention of Yunho that is equal parts disgusted as it is vindicated. “You know,” he says, rubbing his face in his palm tiredly. “I already felt kind of strange knowing he was here today.”
You let out a long exhale, not wanting to get into the intricacies of how Yunho remains in your life despite all that has transpired between the two of you. “It’s hard,” is what you’re able to manage. “He’s been a friend of the family since I was born, so I kind of can’t avoid seeing him,” you explain with a mirthless laugh.
“Ahh, so tough competition, then,” Mingi states neutrally, causing you to let out a genuine giggle. He’s joking, which you take to mean that he’s beginning to accept what’s happening here. But his next words, spoken a lot more seriously, seem to contradict your assumption. “Well, you should know then, Y/N–” he says suavely, “–that I’m not a man who goes down without a fight. Certainly not when something I like is at stake. And I have to admit, I really, really, like you.”
You feel your face getting warm at his words, less because you’re flattered, and more because you’re beginning to feel some anticipatory second hand embarrassment. He’s about to force you to be blunt about this when all you wanted was to let him down easily.
Before you can react or flinch away, he takes your hands in his. His hands are cold and a little pruned from sitting in the water all day, while yours are sweaty from your earlier panicking. All in all, not very romantic.
“You are a very cool girl, Y/N. I mean you’re pretty. Smart. Know how to make a damn good expresso,” he compliments, and even in your anxiety you can’t help but laugh, flattered to know that he think so positively of you.
“And I’m okay with a little bit of baggage. Lord knows I have my own,” he continues, tilting his head to get a better look at you, and when you avoid his gaze, he grabs your chin and steers your face upward. “So what, you’re hung up on your asshole ex? It makes sense, especially given the family friend thing. But I’m willing to wait for you if that’s what you need.”
Face in his hold, you’re unable to look away from Mingi, and in his eyes you see a sort of passionate fervor that makes you feel really bad for what you’re about to say to him.
“Mingi, the reason why I wasn’t at the party today was because me and Yunho were having sex.”
You watch with trepidation and guilt as Mingi reacts exactly the way you expected at these words – his face falls, as do his arms from your figure. It’s as if you can hear the gears turning in his head as he tries and fails to rationalize your actions in his mind.
“I know you don’t want to hear that, but…I’m telling you because I want to make it clear that I don’t think I’m in the best place to start a new relationship right now,” you assert, an air of finality in your words that you hope comes across to him as well.
Mingi takes a few steps back from you until he’s on the opposite end of the room, where his bag is still resting on the floor. He grabs it, then turns to you with a look of forced politeness on his face. “Well, thank you for making that perfectly, crystal clear.”
Though every part of you itches to say something comforting to him, you decide not to belabor his exit, feeling like you’ve gotten your point across and not wanting to make things worse by forcing him to remain in your presence for any longer. You do offer to walk him out, something he doesn’t refuse though he looks every bit of embarrassed with every step you make towards the door.
Just as his hand reaches for the doorknob on your front door, he stops with a look of deep anguish and conflict in his expression. It’s as if he’s fighting whether or not he should say one last thing before he goes. Sighing heavily, he ultimately turns to you with the words, “I just…still don't understand why you invited me here, Y/N.”
“Because,” you explain, pausing to meet his gaze. “Even if I’m not interested in starting a romantic relationship with you, I still consider you to be my friend.”
At this, he lets out a bitter scoff. “Well, I’m sorry, Y/N, but I just…I can’t be friends with someone I’m interested in romantically.”
You raise a questioning eyebrow at him, not understanding or perhaps not wanting to understand what he’s implying. You knew this conversation was gonna be rough but you didn’t think that it would be friendship-ending, feeling almost offended that he would put his romantic feelings for you over what you considered to be a genuine bond.
“What are you saying?”
‘I’m saying…” he sighs, looking indignant when he finally looks up to meet your gaze. “Call me whenever you’re ready to let go of that idiot who you call your ex. But otherwise…”
It’s with those last words that Mingi finally opens the door and exits your house. You watch him go, not knowing how to feel. It was you that ultimately was in the wrong by leaving him behind at the party, and in hindsight, you know you could’ve clarified the purpose of your invitation to the party in the first place. But were you wrong to be honest with him? Should you be punished because you don’t reciprocate his romantic feelings?
You’re just about to close the door and go up to your room to ponder these questions some more. But something incredibly ridiculous happens before you do.
With a loud thump, Yunho lands in the grass of your front yard, just in front of Mingi who lets out a surprised yelp. Why he is just now leaving your room, you have no idea. All you know is that when he stands up, he is wearing one of your t-shirts backwards. That, combined with the fact that he has just been caught in plain sight sneaking out of your bedroom, and the two of you couldn’t look anymore guilty in the eyes of a scorned Mingi.
Yunho, now upright, goes frozen when he notices that there’s an audience at his arrival. And you, embarrassed and guilty as ever, couldn’t move from your spot in the doorway even if you wanted to. That leaves Mingi, speechless and scandalized, to look back and forth between the two of you, mouth opening and closing as if he’s not sure what to say or who to say it to.
It’s with a scathing finality that he finally manages to remark, “You know what? You guys deserve each other.” And with that, he speeds away into the dark of the night, off to find his car while you and Yunho stare at each other in shocked silence.
It wasn’t a summer for you if you weren’t going on a trip with your family, but what you couldn’t have expected was that instead of going to the romantic but realistically small town your mother took you to almost every summer, you’d instead be going on a cruise ship vacation.
“It’s your brother’s last summer vacation before he graduates,” your mother explained over dinner one day. “I figured we might as well do something special!”
You felt both a mixture of excitement and nerves about the trip. It was of course, a fully-paid trip overseas, something that would be extremely difficult to not feel a least a little bit happy about. But it had been somewhere around a week since you had any conversation with Yunho, and because he was always welcome anywhere your brother went, he would be joining you on the trip.
How you managed to live under the same roof, just a hallway away from each other, and not manage to talk to one another, was because you were “busy.” It wasn’t always a lie. After your confrontation with Mingi, you put in your two weeks notice at the cafe; it was hard to see the point in working there any longer now that Mingi was cutting you off for something you couldn’t help.
You had been working daily in effort to get as much money as you could before leaving, and when you weren’t working, you were looking for a new job that would take you after your vacation was over.
Still, there was a part of you, however tiny or suppressed, that was avoiding talking to Yunho about what had happened between the two of you at the pool party. Every sight of him was a reminder of the inner turmoil that you had been steadily avoiding having to address. Because no matter how glorious it was, you were still thouroughly debating whether you made the right decision in having sex with him.
Going on vacation together wouldn’t give you many places to hide. The four of you rode to the cruise port all together in your mother’s car, you in the front with your mom, and Yunho and Kai in the backseat. The two hour drive was mostly quiet, but you’d occasionally spot Yunho making glances at you in the rearview mirror. Still, you were safe so long as the four of you were together – you were still mantaining a silent agreement to not share any part of your relationship with your family.
You were trapped, however, when your mother had to make a stop at a gas station. Kai, forgetting to pack a toothbrush, went inside with her. It was your job to fill the car with gas and, seeing as your mom didn’t seem to think you were capable of doing this on your own – one of the many perks of being the babied, youngest child – she instructed Yunho to stay behind and help you.
You didn’t talk much at all in the actual act of filling up the tank; you didn’t need any help, so you did it on your own while Yunho stood back and watched. After, though, the two of you stood side by side aginst the car, enjoying a bit of fresh air before you’d be back on the road for another two hours. It was strange, because even though you were alone, the looming threat of your brother and mother returning at any moment caused both of you to stand within a healthy distance of each other, trying not to seem suscipously close.
Or at least, that’s what you were doing. Yunho, on the other hand, was warming the side of your face with his very obvious staring. He couldn’t resist it; even though he was just as wary as you were of being caught by anyone, it was almost too satisfying to watch you attempt to seem impassive and cool when he knew you were bursting at the seams to address the anxious energy between the two of you.
And sure enough, you felt like you had to say something the longer he spent staring at you obviously. “Can you stop looking at me like that?” you wasped, speaking from the side of your mouth and keeping your gaze straightforward so that it almost seemed as if you were talking to yourself to any onlookers.
“Like what?”
You could hear the feigned innocence in his voice, and you were sure that if you were looking at his face right now, he’d be wearing that annoying smirk of his, tongue poking the inside of his cheek teasingly. Every part of you wanted to roll your eyes at him. But, stil wary of your mother and brother, you kept your expression neutral and your words low. “Like you’ve seen me naked recently. It’s uncouth and we’re in public.”
Yunho, becoming just as stonefaced and serious as you were, turned his body to face you fully, no longer concerned about anyone seeing you talking. “Would you like to have a conversation about what we did, Y/N?”
You wanted to yell at him for standing in such a way that made it obvious you two were having a passionate conversation about something. To your family, who at least had a semblance of an impression that you weren’t on speaking terms, you could only imagine what sort of questions would arise had they come out of the gas station and seen you like this. With another few hours left in your journey, the last thing you wanted was to be subjected to invasive questions by your mother or odd looks from your older brother.
And yet, like Yunho, you were growing impatient with the anxious energy coursing between the two of you. The inner conflict you had been experiencing over the past week had been swimming inside of you uncomfortably for so long that all you wanted was to explode with everything you were feeling. And here he was, directly prompting you with that annoyingly imploring tone in his voice. Before you could stop yourself, you were spilling every little thought that had been occurring in your mind since your last interaction.
“It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. I mean, I recognize its confusing for us to have sex when I’m supposed to be working through my feelings for you right now,” you explained in a rushed, exasperated sort of way, your body now turned fully towards Yunho. “And I don’t wanna be one of those girls who leads people on when I have no intention of going any further with them – no offense,” you add in reference to Yunho’s previous misdeeds, giggling with he throws you an embarrassed and scathing side eye.
“What we did was…was great. It was the first time in a while where I was able to just let go with you,” you tell him, your voice going a lot softer now as you recall the moment. “You don’t know how much I want to feel that all of the time.
“But I’m trying to make sure that I’m not letting that feeling impact my decision making,” you say with a final huff of breath. “I don’t want to start a relationship with you because I’m chasing what’s familiar. I want to get back with you because I genuinely believe that you’ve changed and that we can be together without me constantly distrusing you.”
When you’ve finished, your return to your previous position of standing mechanically distanced from Yunho, looking as if you’ve never spoken to one another to begin with.
Fighting back a laugh, Yunho stares at you. “Are you done?” he asks.
You nod resolutely in reply. “I am.”
Yunho, in respect to your obvious disinclination to being seen looking as if you’re speaking to one another, also stands stiffly beside you with his head drawn forward. But all someone would need to do is stand close enough to hear the dreamy, passionate tilt his voice takes to know that he’s obviously not talking to himself, but to someone he clearly feels a lot of love for.
“For what it’s worth… I don’t want you to get back with me because I’m familiar, either. I don’t like who I was last summer. I want you to be shocked at how new I am. At how much of a different person I’ve been and how much I’ve grown,” he says, relaxing against the back of the gas pump as he looks up at the starless sky, deep in thought.
“I didn’t think this was going to be easy Y/N. I’m willing to wait as long as it takes for you to trust me,” he proclaims sincerely, and even as you’re fighting to keep your facial expression clear, you can’t help but pop a small smile at his words. Especially when he leans in, just momentarily, to whisper in your ear and say, “The mindblowing sex wasn’t to try and convince you of anything. It was just…impulsivity, I guess.”
He pulls away from your ear to scan your face, which he is pleased to see is now scrunched up in a look of annoyed but captivated splendor. You’re no longer able to remain composed when he is looking at you the way he is, showing his charming side and reminded you of why you fell in love with him in the first place. You don’t resist when he moves to tuck a piece of your hair behind your ear, not even remembering that your brother and mother could arrive any minute now.
But you’re brought back to reality when Yunho’s hand pulls away from you, and he says unnaturedly loudly, “You had something in your hair. Weird.” He inspects the pad of his finger, which you notice is spotless, and pretends to throw something on the ground. When you look behind you, your mother and Kai are coming over with a few bags in their hands.
The warmth flooding to your face is immediate, but Yunho saves you from any possible interrogation when he quickly chirps to your mother, “Need help with anything else?”
As always impressed by Yunho’s congeniality, her face wrinkles in a smile, and she seems to know nothing else except unconditional love for the boy her son calls best friend. “Nope, thank you hun! We should be set for the rest of the trip.” And so you were off.
Arriving at the port a few hours later, the four of you dropped off your bags and boarded the decadently ginormous cruise ship. You had never been on a cruise before, so the theatrics involved as the ship sailed away from the port were more than a little awesome. There was live music, drinks, and a party atmosphere shared between all of the guests who watched – some with excitement and others with baited breath – as the ocean swallowed up the circumference of the ship.
Once the ship is in motion and the shock of leaving the port has worn off, the four of you split up into your separate lodgings – as always when you travel as a unit, Yunho and Kai share a room while you sleep with your mother. You don’t see the boys again until dinner time, where you all sit together and enjoy what you consider to be a quite morbid meal of various seafood offerings.
“I think I’d quite like to see the light show on the deck tonight,” your mother mentions offhandedly to the group, joining in on a conversation Kai had started about things you were all looking forward to doing on the ship.
Wanting to contribute to the conversation, you pondered what activities you’d might enjoy doing on the ship. Your thought process was interrupted, however, when a sudden force under the table made forceful contact with your foot. Following it was a vibration of your phone in your pocket, which you somehow felt was connected to your now aching foot.
Looking up at the person sitting across from you, it was no surprise than Yunho was now wearing the subtlest smirk; you had been playing a subtle game of footsies all night, but this felt a lot more intentional. Looking down at your phone, you could see that you had a new text message from him.
>yunho: do you think you’ll be free tonight at around midnight?
Your mother and brother’s conversation became a blur in the background of your thoughts as you typed out a response, wondering curiously where Yunho was going by asking you this.
>you: yeah, why?
After pressing send, you hurriedly stored your phone in your pocket, not wanting to arouse suscipion when just moments later, Yunho was pulling out of his own. As you watched him type in the corner of your eye, you turned to face your mother and brother more fully and muttered something indistinct so as to appear invested in the conversation. You returned to your then vibrating phone only when you noticed Yunho putting his away.
>yunho: i want to continue the conversation we were having earlier.
>yunho: can we meet at the deck?
With Yunho sitting just across from you, you were unable to hide the apprehension on your face as you considered his request. It wouldn’t be anything new for the two of you to sneak around at night under the nose of your brother and mother, yet you had a feeling that if you were alone with him again, the temptation to make another silly decision would not be so easy to fight.
In his way of trying to slyly convince you, you could feel Yunho’s sock-clad foot moving to tangle with yours under the table. Sighing supressedly, so as to not rouse any attention, you typed out your next reply.
>you: fine.
After dinner, you each went to your respective rooms to get ready for bed. You had a short nap and somehow seemed to wake up naturally a little bit before midnight, almost as if your body was unconsciously anticipating your meeting with Yunho. Your mother, a deep sleeper, was luckily none the wiser as you snuck out of the room in your pajamas, going to the deck to find Yunho.
Yunho’s silhouette glowed punctually in the dark shadows of the ship’s deck. You oberseved that the ship was very pretty at night – the ocean, dark and reflecting nothing but moonlight, looked almost like an endless vat of smooth ink that swayed peacefully back and forth, buoying the ship.
You approached Yunho, who as you moved closer, you noticed was wearing a flannel t-shirt and checkered pants, reminding you both happily and a little bittersweetly of your trip to Lover’s Lake two summers ago. “Hi.”
Turning around at the sound of your voice, Yunho grinned as he took you in, not even bothering the hide his blatant staring at your tank top and pajama shorts. “Hi,” he said back, and resisting his initial inclination to reach for your hand, nodded in a distant direction. “Wanna go for a walk?”
You agreed, allowing him to lead you down the deck where you maintained a slow, relaxed pace. Comfortable silence overtakes the two of you before Yunho’s breaking it with a softly spoken question. “Can I ask you something?”
Looking up to meet his fixed gaze, you nod and watch as he loks away from you with a slightly awkward expression on his face.
“At the end of last summer, when we had our second date at the boardwalk,” he says, looking down at the patterned flooring you pass as you make your way through the ship. “You weren’t crying because you were scared of the ferris wheel, were you?”
Not at all expecting him to have brought that up, you crack a mirthful, toothless smile, voice shaking with a sarcastic but also humorless inflection as you reply, “That easy to read, am I?”
Yunho laughs in the same sort of humorless way, then waits until you’ve navigated the bridge connecting both halves of the ship to say seriously, “You don’t have to talk about if you don’t want to. I just want to make sure that what we did at the pool party isn’t me doing it again. Forcing old parts of our relationships onto you in a way that makes you sad.”
Your heart pangs a little bit at the amount of thoughtfulness he must have to even be considering such a thing, but also at the reminder of a time when you were so sad you couldn’t recognize yourself anymore. Luckily, you haven’t felt like that in a while, and with perspective and time, you’ve been able to make sense of your feelings from back then in a way you couldn’t while in the heart of it.
“Going on that date made me cry because I thought that after hearing your side of things that I would be able to jump back into our relationship and everything would be fine. And when it wasn’t, it made me feel like there wasn’t any hope for us,” you explain, a sort of nostalgic neutrality in your voice that makes you feel grateful, knowing that if you were saying these words even a few months ago that it would come with a shaky voice and tears.
“And that made me sad, because I love you, very much, and I don’t want to lose you.”
The honest words come of your mouth and you’re relived that they don’t elicit any sort of dramatic reaction from Yunho. It means that he feels, like you do when the roles are reversed, that the words are genuine enough to not require any reaction. It’s simply natural for you to talk about each other this way.
“But what happened at the pool party was different,” you assert confidently. “Had we been in the same position last summer, I would’ve never initiated anything. My heart and mind were still too hurt for me to even enjoy doing something like that. I know I would be.
“So the fact that we did what we did, and I can say that it was…satisfying—” you remark, fighting back an inappropriate giggle as you watch Yunho’s lips curl into a smirk. “—just lets me know that you’ve shown me something that has made me more open. Even just you being thoughtful like this, telling me how you feel openly, means everything.”
Still walking side by side, you only realize how close you’ve gotten when you feel the softness of his flannel brushing your arm. Rather than to resist it, you lean in closer to him, looping your arm through his. It’s the first time in a while, it feels, that you’ve initiated non-sexual affection. And to your relief, and his satisfaction, it feels comfortable and safe to simply lean your head against his shoulder and enjoy the warmth of his closeness.
“I can appreciate our first summer together for the memories we made. But I’m not the same person that I was then, and luckily, you aren’t either,” you continue, walking slower now that your locked arms force you into tandem movement. “So now I know that what I want isn’t what’s familiar for us. It’s growth that means more to me now. That’s why, if I’m being honest with you…the sex we had last week was better than anything from before.”
“Ahhh,” hums Yunho, perking up at these words in a way that was expected and yet still makes your face warm. “So I’m like a fine wine then. Get better with time?”
“I see your jokes don’t have the same quality,” you quip, shoving him away from you and rolling your eyes as he staggers dramatically. You missed this, missed the playful banter that you hope will never change in your relationship, missed things feeling light instead of heavy.
As Yunho returns to his spot at your side, you look around you, becoming aware and conscious of your surroundings for the first time on this walk. You were too immersed in conversation before, realizing now that you’ve found yourselves in a large, vacant room. “Yunho, where are we?”
The two of you survey the place around you. In the middle of the room is a giant, circular swimming pool, with little puffs of smoke radiating off of it’s surface. Bright light shone from the inner depths of the pool walls, allowing you to see the bubbles that floated from the edges on all sides. Surrounding the pool were lounge chairs, a diving board, and towel racks.
“Well, it’s a pool,” Yunho says rather obviously, bending down to touch the water. “It’s heated, too.”
Thinking that swimming would be one of the most popular attractions on a cruise, you’re a little bemused to find that you’re alone. “I’m surprised a place like this is empty.”
“Well it is 2:00 AM,” Yunho remarks, a for a second you think he’s joking – surely you haven’t been talking for that long – but indeed, when you check your phone, it confirms just how haphazardly you had been keeping track of the time. Yunho sees the astonished expression on your face and just shrugs. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”
You laugh a little at the sarcastic inflection his voice takes, still taking in the room around you and thinking distantly that you might like coming back here tomorrow morning for a dip in the pool.
“Speaking of fun,” Yunho says suddenly, a bit of mischief lighting up his brown eyes. “Have you ever been skinny dipping?”
You pause what you’re doing to stare up at Yunho incredulously. You really want to believe that he surely isn’t suggesting that you get in this pool right now, naked, in the middle of the night, in a room that most definitely has cameras in it.
“You’re crazy.”
But with the idea now spoken aloud, there’s no coming back from the playful indulgence that now takes over Yunho as he grips the ends of his t-shirt, pulling it off his head in one swift movement. In doing so, he silences you, not just because you realize that he’s being serious, but also because his body never gets any less chiseled or enticing each time you see it.
“What it someone comes?” you hear yourself ask, and Yunho smirks, pleased to see you go from opposing the idea to now being curious about it. “The echo in here is crazy,” he declares, his statement sure enough repeating as it bounces off the walls. “We’ll hear it if someone is coming. I’ll keep our clothes close by so we can change quickly if we need to.
As he was taking his clothes off while he was talking, Yunho is now down to his boxers, while you stand resolutely still across from him, still considering the idea. He tilts his head at you in an expression of impatience. “I’m gonna look really stupid if I get naked and you’re still standing there, fully clothed. Will you just get in?”
But still, you remain where you are, staring back at him defiantly, no longer in opposition to his request but being stubborn anyway just to see what he’ll do about it.
You knew Yunho was crazy, but you still weren’t expecting it when, to your delayed horror, and with the most annoying smirk on his face, he walks up to you and pushes you into the pool.
Your words of protest are lost in your throat as you’re plunged into the deep yet gratefully warm waters of the pool. Sure, you were being bratty, but did he really have to catch you off guard like that, soaking you completely through your clothes?
You emerge from the pool with your mouth in a big O as you gasp for breath, and once you’ve gotten your bearings, you take on a look of deepest disdain. This only seems to send Yunho into an excited fit of laughter.
“See,” he says, his smirk wide and prominent as he fights to get his words out through continuous explosions of giggles. “You’re wet now, you might as well take off your clothes.”
Though finding his rationale quite faulty and still groveling angrily at him for throwing you in the pool, you take off your clothes in the water with surprisingly little difficulty. The bubbling hot water pleasantly warms your skin and renders you quite happy and relaxed. Throwing your items at Yunho’s feet, you beckon him to join you. “What are you waiting for?”
The answer to that question is obvious – you don’t know if it’s the coy look you’ve unconsciously taken on or the mystery and anticipation caused by your naked body being blurred by the water, but Yunho is very clearly frozen in his desire for you.
Mouth open slightly in an expression of awe, he rubs his aching erection through the fabric of his boxers, eyes glued to your nipples that just slightly break the surface of the water.
Your voice registers in his mind just a few seconds late, but when it does, he’s rushing to take off the final piece of his clothing. You take in the image of his fully naked, half-hard form before he’s diving into the pool and completely drenching you with the force of his splash.
You swim around playfully for a few moments, doing laps and splashing each other with warm water. But when the tension between the two of you becomes too strong not to address, he’s cornering you into a shallow part of the pool, turning you around so that his front is pressed to your back.
“You are insatiable, do you know that?” he asks in your ear, his voice tight and restrained. “I’m gonna take you right here, yeah? Have you fast and dirty. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
The switch from regular banter to dirty talk causes arousal to pool deep in your belly, not at all helped by the way his arms circle your waist, pulling you closer to his erection.
And then, he swipes the wet hairs from your face onto your neck in a much softer way than his words would convey, planting light kisses along the juncture between your shoulder and your ear. “Or do you wanna find somewhere else quiet? Let me eat that pretty pussy out until you’re crying for me to fuck you? Is that what you like, baby?”
You fall into a desperate and submissive role easily, just wanting to do anything to fulfill the fantasies he’s so painfully laid out for you to choose. “I don’t care. I just want you Yunho, please.”
Bringing his hand to your mouth, he separates your lips with his thumb, fighting back a grunt when he feels how wet the inside of your mouth is.
“I think I want this pretty mouth of yours on my cock. Do you want that?”
“Fuck, Yunho,” you moan out, practically rutting your ass at him in an attempt for relief. “Please. I want it so bad.”
You’d be embarrassed at how easily desperate you’d become after just earlier saying how bad of an idea you thought this was, but that thought is a distant one in your head as you watch Yunho sit up on the edge of the pool so that his dick is in your face. From the sternum down, you are still submerged in water, so you float between his legs and take his painfully hard cock in your hands.
Saliva wets the corner of your mouth as you unconsciously salivate just at the sight of him. A new, exciting feeling begins to take over. More than to please him, you strongly desire to take your time and tease him, the back-and-forth energy between the two of you today only contributing to this inclination.
You begin your exploration by licking purposefully striped paths up his shaft, starting at the base and ending at the tip. His response is just as whiny and impatient as you’d hoped; you can see his thighs already beginning to shake as he fights the urge to buck into your mouth. You take that as a sign to escalate your assault, now including his balls in your minstrations. You’re gentle, aware of the sensitivity in this area, but no less calculated in the way your mouth indulges the furrowed skin.
Now placing kisses all along his tip, Yunho seems to realize the game you’re playing and grabs hold of a fistful of your hair, tugging on the strands softly in an attempt to direct your movements. “Let me feel your mouth on me.”
But you withdraw from him entirely, eyes glossy and wide as you look up at him and request coyly, “Put it in my mouth, then.”
You’re pleased when he seems just the slightest bit taken aback by your words, even more so when you open your mouth invitingly and feel him shudder beneath you. Everything about this – teasing him, being purposefully enticing – is mostly new to you. But you know you’ve done something right when he’s taking hold of his shaft, using his other hand to hold your chin as he guides his cock into your warm mouth.
You hear Yunho mumbling curse words under his breath as he manages to reach the back of your throat in one swift movement. Breathing through your nose, you remain where you are so that he knows it’s up to him to make you move up and down his cock. Responding well to your lead, Yunho mantains a loose hold on your hair as he guides your head, and consequently, your puffed out lips, up and and down his length.
It’s almost as if he’s using you like his own personal fleshlight, taking the pleasure for himself. And from what you hear and see, he’s getting lost in it. His hand that’s not on your hair grips the concrete edge of the pool so tightly that it turns his knuckles white. His head is thrown back, and he lets out broken praises of your name that echo throughout the entire room.
“God, I love your mouth,” he groans, shuddering underneath you again when you voluntarily spit on it, making a show of twirling your outstretched tongue all around his shaft. You can see the moment where his expression breaks and he can no longer hold back, where his eyes go white and you’re sure he’s going to spill into your mouth. But in an incredible show of discipline, he pulls you off of him at the last minute, moving quickly to reenter the pool as if scared he’ll change his mind.
“I need to fuck you,” he states blankly, positioning you so that you’re against the pool wall. “Right now.”
There are absolutely no objections on your end. But you aren’t quite done teasing, so just when you see him about to lean in and kiss you, you duck down and submerge yourself in the water. Before he can process what’s happened, you’re swimming away from him, wanting to make him chase you. And sure enough, only seconds later, the water around you ripples and vibrates with the force of him diving after you.
Your goal was to reach the other end of the pool before him, but Yunho is a fast swimmer. Soon, his body becomes a blur of movement that you momentarily lose. You pop up from the water in the middle of the pool, catching your breath, head swinging wildly in every direction as you search for him. He reveals himself only moments later, breaking the surface right in front of you.
A wolfish grin on his face, he shakes out his wet hair, and with his face only inches from yours, you are drenched in water. When you attempt to retreat from him, he grabs you by the elbows and pulls you into a messy kiss. Yunho has always known how to make you feel things in places you’ve never known before, and tonight is no exception.
Under the water, his hands find themselves between your legs, where he slides two fingers into your entrance and finds no resistance. “You’re already so wet,” he observes in a raspy mumble against your mouth. “You can’t wait for me to fuck this pretty pussy, can you?”
You tilt your head back to allow a moan to escape from your parted lips; he’s begun to fuck you with his fingers and it’s quite possibly the most glorious sensation that washes over your body as a result. You can see him bracing to fuck you, but not before he asks you responsibly, “Still on birth control?”
“Yes,” you reply, truthful and imploringly. “So don’t make me wait too long.”
To your immense relief, he doesn’t stall much at all. He pulls his fingers out of you and backs you up onto the edge of the pool so that he has some good leverage to fuck you. The sighs from both of your mouths are instantaneous as he lines the head of his cock with your entrance, sinking inside of you with one firm thrust.
Yunho’s arms curl under your knees, wrapping your legs around his waist as he gives you slow, deep thrusts. He’s so big that you almost feel like you’re being split in half, and it’s the most pleasant, satisfying experience. You feel him everywhere at once – his mouth on your neck, his fingers pressing into your skin, his cock so deep it’s like he’s in your stomach. Warm water from the pool sloshes all around your bodies from the force of your movements, and it’s a sensory overload like you’ve never felt before.
“You take care of my cock so well,” he praises just below your ear, snapping his hips in accordance with your moans that begin to grow more and more frequent. You anticipate bruises on your back from the way each thrust slides you up the harsh concrete wall of the pool. But you could hardly care; your mind is solely fixed on your release, approaching readily with each stroke he gives you.
Lifting his head from your neck, the two of you meet in what’s less like a kiss and more like unabashed moaning in each other’s mouths. You catch each other’s mouths occasionally though, and when you do, it’s in wet messy, movements that you eventually have to escape when his cockhead swipes against a spot deep inside of you. “Such a pretty, wet girl,” he’s saying sweetly and romantically, as if he isn’t fucking the absolute life out of you. “You were made for me, you know that?”
“Yes, Yunho, fuck,” you gasp out, tears falling down your cheek, your fingers digging into his back to brace yourself as the pressure inside of you approaches its highest frequency.
He bends his head down to catch the lobe of your ear in his teeth, muttering his next words with a grisly bite in his voice that turns you on. “You’re close, aren’t you baby? Hold it. I wanna come with you.”
This is the first time he’s ever tried to stop you from coming and at first you don’t take him seriously, nodding in his hold but still doing nothing to prevent the overwhelming pleasure that is rapidly approaching.
But when you don’t respond, he tugs at your strands a little harder and positions his hot mouth at your ear. “You hear me?” he asks menancingly, his voice so deep that it causes a shiver to pass through you, even in the warmth of the pool. “You come when I tell you. Not until I’ve filled you up with my cum.”
He thrusts into you, hard and precise as ever, never slowing even as he’s asking you to delay your orgasm. “Yunho, I’m close, I can’t,” you whimper, feeling like you’re about to burst through your skin as that sticky, gritty feeling quickly begins to take over.
“Not yet, baby, not yet,” he urges, his voice shaky and feathery against your ear, and his movements becoming rough and imprecise in a way that lets you know he’s just as close to release as you are. You know you can’t hold back any longer and it’s perfect timing that he comes inside of you at just the right second, the clearance your body needs to unleash around him.
“Give it to me,” he says in a voice that, in the haze of your orgasm, sounds almost angelically far away. “There we go…good girl.”
He gives a few last, strong thrusts before pulling out of you, the dismaay of no longer being filled causing you to sigh into the top of his head. It would be too easy to remain where you are, floating in the warm pool water, enjoying the sanguine post-orgasm state your body has been left in. But if you had to guess, it’s nearly three AM and the chances of you getting caught here likely increase with each minute you spent dawdling.
So, with a little bit of regretful lingering on Yunho’s part, you exit the pool and find your clothes scattered around it’s perimeter. There’s an electric heater on the side of the pool, intended probably for wet hair, but you use it instead to make a sad attempt at drying your drenched clothes.
Yunho, feeling bad for being the reason your clothes are drenched in the first place, offers you his dry pajamas. You accept them and laugh later as Yunho has to walk out onto the ship’s deck wearing your pajama shorts and crop top. “Thank god we haven’t run into anyone yet,” he grumbles lowly, fighting to keep your shorts onto his waist which sag with the weight of the water still in them.
Wanting to be in each other’s presence for a little longer, you find another room in the ship with couches for you to relax on. Yunho strokes your wet hair as you lay over his lap, and it’s all so comforting that you almost fall asleep, if only you weren’t suddenly hit with the reality of what you just did — or rather, where you did it.
“God, Yunho,” you lament, face warming with embarrassment. “I forgot there might be cameras in there.”
Without facing him, you can almost hear the shrug in Yunho’s impassive, non-chalant voice. “I’m pretty sure that they only check the footage if something happens and they need evidence. I doubt there’s some security guy stationed at the cameras, watching us fuck and not sending someone to tell us to stop,” he says, and in the part of your brain left that’s not rotted by panic, you’re inclined to believe his analysis.
“And if they ever do find the tape, maybe we’ll sell it. Pay off the rest of my student loans.”
“Stop it,” you scold, swatting him on the chest and feeling your head raise slightly as his deep chuckle vibrates your body.
After this, the two of you are silent for a few seconds. The quiet is broken when Yunho asks, “Would you like to talk about this?”
Without having to explicitly say it, you observe the consideration of your feelings that is undercored by Yunho’s question. He’s known you long and well enough to understandably antipate that you’ll inevitably overthink what happened tonight. The fact that you’re falling into a pattern of having spontaneous – albeit, satisfying – sex without any true update to the status of your relationship would usually be a cause for concern.
But to your own internal surprise, you find that even as you dig into the depest parts of your emotional being, you feel nothing except contentment. Something in you has changed over the past few weeks. You’ve spent so much time berating yourself for doing anything that might open you up to being hurt. For the first time in a while, you consider that perhaps it’s time to see what could come out of letting your walls down for a change.
“Talk later,” you reply with a resolute sight. “Right now, I just want to cuddle you.”
And so cuddling is exactly what you do, laying there for a few more moments before retreating to your rooms at a time you don’t remember.
After that first day, it was hard to find time to sneak off, even if you wanted to. Because every second on the cruise was packed with activities that even the least adventurous person could find interest in, things you couldn’t have imagined would be available on a ship.
Ziplining, ice-skating, indoor skydiving, gambling, and spa-dates were just a few of the things that occupied your schedule in the following 3 days of your vacation.
You had made lots of fun memories, like one instance where Yunho had signed up to be the seductive subject of your figure painting class, much to the interest of the 40+ women like your mother who were there.
Later on, you and Kai had gone parasailing and you were sure that the girlish screams he was letting out would provide you with enough teasing material for at least the next 3 years.
And of course your mother, sweet as ever and taking advantage of the fact that you were now old enough to drink, took you just about anywhere on the ship that served alcohol.
By the time you reached your last night on the ship, you had been rendered pleasantly sleepy, a little seasick, and also ready to go home, though not in a bad way – it would just be good to go back somewhere familiar (and buoyed) after floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean for almost a week.
After eating one final dinner together, you, Kai, your mother, and Yunho were spread out in the ship's recreational area. Kai and Yunho were at a table a few feet away, playing cards, while you and your mother traded sips on a single peach bellini.
The atmosphere between you and Yunho was the best it had been in a while. After the conversation you shared on the ship that first night, you were beginning to feel as if the barriers which previously prevented you from feeling anything more than anxiety at the idea of starting something again had melted, if not gone away completely. Tonight, he was wearing one of those knit sweaters that dipped low at the chest, and beyond exposing the skin of his chest and collarbones, brought out the color of his eyes. He looked strikingly handsome.
Though he was very obviously engaged in whatever game him and Kai were playing, his chair was facing your direction. Very briefly, in a moment where both Kai and your mother seem to be occupied with something else – your mom asking a waiter for a napkin and Kai shuffling the deck of cards – your eyes meet.
You smile at him and he does the same to you, though you can feel something extra meaningful and intense behind his gaze as he looks at you. You did put a little bit of extra effort in yoru appearance given that tonight is your last night ont he ship. You wore a flowy and silk-fabriced dress with patterned flowers all over it, complimented by a single fake hibiscus pinned in your ear.
You look away from each other after a while, turning back to your partners. “Y/N, have you seen the sunset on the deck yet? It’s really beautiful,” your mother remarks to you offhandedly after the waiter’s left, and you watch as she finishes off the drink between you. “No I haven’t,” you reply. “Is it over yet?”
Your mother nods her head in the direction of the nearest window, where you see the sky darkening in an ugly gray color that reminds you disctinctly of polluted pond water. “No. If you go now, you’ll see it.”
You can’t imagine that there is anything much like watching the sun set over the backdrop of the vast Atlantic Ocean. Even in your tipsy tiredness, the thought of such a sight motivates you to get out and head to the deck before it gets too late. You abandon your seat, feeling distinctly as if a certain someone’s gaze is burned into your back as you get up to pass Yunho and Kai’s table.
You reach the deck, where a few other clusters of people are gathered, likely for the same reason as you. Surveying the space around you, you can’t help the sappy, pudgy, sentimental feeling that blooms in your chest. Scattered amonst the crowd are couples who you imagine may be celebrating their honeymoon or some other special occasion, holding each other close and swaying in accordance with the evening wind. It is so easy to tell just by the way that a person looks at another that they are in love. There is something so sweet and endearing about the way that their gaze never wavers and the corner of their lips just slightly twitch in a mere unconscious way as they express external pride at their partner.
You have no time to feel out of place amongst the crowd of couples when, just a few moments after you’ve come out, you feel the presence of a distinctly familiar figure coming out beside you.
“I had a feeling you’d come and find me,” you remark coyly as you turn towards a swaggering Yunho, who smirks handsomely at you in reply.
“Dont I always?”
Rolling your eyes but nonetheless unable to fight a smile at his words and presence, you look away from him and at the sky, where fluffy, billowy clouds begin to close in on the sun, forming a golden canopy that casts warm light over your figures. “Gorgeous, isn’t it?
“Yes,” he says absentmindedly, and you can feel his eyes on the side of your face. “Very gorgeous.”
Meeting his gaze and understanding immediately that he wasn’t at all talking about to the sunset, you let out a shy laugh. Wanting to get a closer look at the ocean, you move closer to the edge of the ship and feel Yunho following close beside you.
Initially, all you down is watch the landscape in front of you silently, admiring the image that you won’t get to see after today. But in the silence and the overall atmosphere of the moment, you find yourself becoming contemplative. Things you’ve been feeling but not expressing begin to bubble up to the surface until you're turning to Yunnho, your mouth open in contemplation.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, at that gas station when we were driving here,” you speak aloud, watching him seem slightly surprised at you bringing the moment up so suddenly. “About how you wanted me to get back together with you only when I felt like you were becoming someone new, not because you were familiar to me.”
Yunho hums in acknowledgement of your words but otherwise listens to you speak silently.
“And I can honestly say, you have,” you assert. Because when you look back at the time you spent together this summer, not just on this trip but even before that, you can remember feeling a distinct change in disposition from the boy in front of you.
No longer the same intense, mysterious figure who you found yourself allured by almost two years ago, but a person who you could read far more easily. Who was front facing in how he chose to present himself to the world, and moreover, the people who he sees daily and interacts with the most.
“But I didn’t think that I would also change, too,” you say next, continuing even when you see Yunho’s expression turn slightly down at these words. “I’m not the same innocent girl you started falling for when we saw each other on my front lawn.”
As you look back at these past 3 years, you truly feel like you’ve experienced 3 distinctly different eras of yourself. You remember feeling so intensely disliked all of your life and as if you never belonged, confessing it to Yunho in that cave the first time you’ve ever came to terms with the insecurity that had definined your young adulthood up to that point.
And then, after finding out that the one person whom you felt you could be vulnerable with had lied to you, you crumbled. Because to think that the person who made you feel the most seen and whole had been using you as just another name on his long list of conquests made you feel worthless. You spent a lot of time hating yourself, not enjoying your own sight in the mirror and feeling disconnected to the world around you.
Now, after having a long time to reckon with all of these things, you’ve found yourself on the other side feeling more assertive and sure of yourself than ever. More smart and more confident in what you deserve. You know that you are a great person with a lot to offer the world and the only thing you need are people around you who share that vision and want to add to it.
“I’m smarter now. I know what it takes for a relationship to feel safe and for things to work,” you continue, expressing these words with sincerity knowing that they’re the culmination of three years of growth and self-discovery. “It needs stability. It needs trust. It needs to feel like a soft place to land on when the rest of the world is chaotic and messy.”
Yunho stares at you, simultaneously in awe of the woman in front of him and also waiting on baited breath as he feels the weight of your words and knows that you’ve clearly come to a conclusion about something.
His eyes follow your hand as you move to reach into the collar of your shirt and pull out a piece of jewelry that you lay softly over the collar of your dress. As recognition of the Y shaped charm hanging from your neck hits him immediately, he meets your gaze where you mirror his smiling, radiant look.
“I packed this with me for the trip. At the time, I couldn’t really explain it. I just felt very strongly like I would come to a resolution about our future. I told myself I would either keep it or throw it in the ocean by the end of this,” you giggle, Yunho doing the same.
Once both of your laughter has boiled down to a silence, you stare at him seriously, hoping that he can feel the truthfulness radiating off of you, especially as you utter your next words. “But I’m wearing it tonight because I know that we have all of those things, Yunho. So I’m ready to give us a chance.”
You can’t exactly pinpoint the moment where these words began to feel right to you.
Perhaps it was when you first heard the explanation of the actions that wounded you for so long, knowing the truth behind it and feeling sympathy for Yunho even through the armor of your own bitterness.
Maybe it was the year you had away from him while you were at school, which you’re grateful for now because you know you needed it to truly process everything that happened the summer before.
It could’ve been the moment when you saw him at the top of this summer and realized just how much you ached for the comfort of his presence and touch.
And what sealed the deal was all the little conversations you had over the past few months, witnessing his growth in real time and knowing, deep down in your heart, that Yunho is worth your forgiveness. That you loving him, and him loving you, is too inevitable for you to ever let a mistake stand in the way.
It feels like another one of those moments where the world around you seems to pause and darken and it’s just the two of you and no one else. Yunho moves closer to you and smiles at you in a way that you can tell is being suppressed so as to not take over his entire expression. Moving to swaddle your waist in a way that makes your heart leap in your chest, he mumbles, “I don’t deserve you.”
“You didn’t,” you answer honestly, maintaining eye contact where you see something profound and meaningful behind his eyes. “But you’ve changed. I truly believe that.”
Yunho allows the significance of your words to wash over him. Even in a time where he didn’t see the good in himself, you always did. You always motivated him to be the person he wanted to be – who he always was, really, but wasn’t able to live up to because of the external factors that weighed down his daily life.
He sees now that he could never have been anyone else. Your vision, your belief, your unwavering love have been what’s sculpted him into the person he was meant to be.
Tugging you forward, Yunho kisses you, and you kiss him back. You kiss until you’re both unable to breath, until your lungs literally burn with the strain of it, until your lips begin to tingle and you know nothing else except for him and his reliable hold on your waist.
You pull away from each other just in time – the sun begins it’s descent and the sky goes from a tie-dyed mix of purple and blue to a blank, colorless night. It’s absolutely beautiful but it doesn’t compare to the feeling in your chest that can only be compared to a flower blooming. With it, it’s almost as if the curtain that you felt that was obscuring all of the people around you comes up and you remember that you’re in public. Yunho seems to be thinking the same thing as you and tugs your hand so that you’re heading back to the dining area. “C’mon. Kai and your mom are gonna wonder where we are.”
As you enter the area where your mother and brother now sit idly across from each other, waiting for the two of you to return, you look next to you and notice how careful Yunho is to stand a safe and platonic distance away from you. The habit of pretending like you don’t share a deeply intimate connection with one another in the presence of your mother and brother has endured for the past 2 years. Tonight, though, you find yourself uninterested in hiding anything from your family any longer.
You approach the table where Kai and your mom are sitting and find yousrelf uttering your next words without a hint of nervousness and apprehension, much different than how you imagined you’d feel in this moment for so long. “Mom, Kai, I’m sorry I was out so long,” you remark, and then, with emphasis, “I was with my boyfriend, Yunho.”
You reach behind you to tug at Yunho’s wrist until his hand is folded into yours, and with a quick look over your shoulder at his proud smile, you confirm his agreeance with your heat-of-the-moment decision.
Your mom gets up from her seat to face you, and as she stares at you with a look of stony surprise, you’re almost scared into thinking that she disapproves. But then, with a loud noise of excitement, and a glazed, teary look in her eyes, she pulls you into an air-constricting hug. “Well, finally!” she exclaims.
As you relax into your mother’s shoulder, you get a glimpse at Kai as he gets up to shake Yunho’s hand. “Well, I guess there are worst guys for my little sister to end up with.”
“You flatter me with your praise,” Yunho mutters sarcastically, and then, after rolling his eyes, both boys’ expressions soften until the two best friends are meeting in their own embrace.
And so, the four of you spend your last night on the cruise enjoying each other’s company, the atmoshphere so joyful that by the end of it, your cheeks hurt from the strain of smiling so much.
Those last few weeks of summer after coming back from the cruise felt so surreal in that they were some of the best days of your life.
Because you were spending them with all of the people who you loved most, no longer bogged down by secrets or bitterness. Just pure, unadulterated joy.
Kai was still adjusting to the image of his best friend and little sister as a couple, but outside of the occasional retching motion every time you showed affection, he was supportive of the two of you.
And to no one’s surprise, your mother was practically filled with glee at the idea of Yunho one day becoming her future son-in-law.
You and Yunho were the happiest you had been, it felt, since the summer you first started your relationship. Happier, in fact, knowing that your journey over the past three summers has brought you to a place of greater understanding and appreciation for each other.
And so, the four of you spent a lot of time together as a group, having dinner or going shopping
or yelling at each other over a game of Spoons.
It was a little strange at first but ultimately wonderful to feel the presence of Yunho at your side at the dinner table or on the couch, no longer feeling plagued by sadness and guilt but instead feeling profoundly safe and cared for.
And when you were able to find time to be alone, you’d spend it having mini-dates, sometimes a picnic in your backyard or a movie night in your room where you’d have the most satisfying, primal sex.
“That’s my girl,” Yunho drawled, the warm and breathy words spoken deep into your ear as he entered you from behind. “See you how wet you get for me?”
Empowered by the knowledge that your family was away for a few hours, you moaned back unabashedly, relishing in the puzzle-piece-like harmony that was Yunho pushed flush against you, hips colliding against your ass in a way that sent sparks up your spine. You were actually looking forward to watching the movie that now plays on your TV in an indistinct lull, muffled by the sounds of Yunho’s rapid thrusts into your wetness.
But only a few minutes in and the movie paused, the all too foreboding loading symbol taking over a majority of the screen.
You were able to catch bits of pieces of the beginning of the movie, but only every five seconds and with your screen rendered pixelated and blurry.
Too impatient to bother with the WiFi router downstairs, which will surely have been going through it’s bi-weekly malfunction, it was your boyfriend who made the first move to drag you onto his lap. Finding time alone like this was rare and with the way Yunho regularly walked around your house in a uniform of sweatpants with no boxers, you were more than happy to indulge.
Yunho held himself above you with a hand pressed on either side of your body, giving him better leverage to fuck into you eagerly. You had your head turned backward not just so that you could occasionally share a spit-heavy kiss, but also because there was something satisfying about simply being able to share the same air as him, to see his face contort into the most beautiful expressions as he got lost in the pleasure of your sex.
He temporarily sat up on his knees so that he could fuck into you from an angle that allowed him more strength and control in his movements. He pressed bruises into your hips, using his strength to move you back and forth from the base to the tip of his cock so that each thrust was long and deep. Curse words came flying out of his mouth with each meeting of your ass aginst his pelvis. The view of you from behind was so addicting, he could not help himself; one hand on either side of your ass, he spread your cheeks apart, shuddering at the view of his cock entering your pussy and leaving it with a wet sheen.
“You have the prettiest, tightest pussy I’ve ever seen in my life,” he stated, sounding intensely drunk on lust as he returned to pressing his body flush against yours. “Gonna fill it up with my cum.”
He hit a spot deep inside of you that had you clenching around his cock unconsciously, causing him to let out a series of deep grunts and moans, the warmth of which tickled the side of your face. He bent his head low so that his lips dragged a pattern of chaste kisses along your neck.
“You gonna give me one more?” he asked you, cockily referencing the fact that he had already made you come once, meeting your lips in a messy kiss before you could reply. It wasn’t as if he didn’t already know the answer; Your fingers were practicality going white from the way you were gripping the sheets, your throat going dry from the way you seemed unable to stop the moans that were leaving your mouth with every thrust.
There seemed to be something about watching you about to come that always seemed to bring out the fleshy, possessive side of Yunho that showed in his deeply spoken words. “You were made for me, Y/N. You’re all mine.”
It was embarrassing how easily and obviously your heart and body responded to these overt displays of possession in a way you didn’t respond to anything else. You couldn’t help it; there was nothing more affirming now than to be told that you belonged to him. You truly could not see yourself with someone else, truly could not imagine someone having this level of a pull over your heart like this.
Assaulted by another long, accurate thrust, you could feel your body shaking in preparation for your release. As if he could sense it, Yunho called out your name, pulling you up by the roots of your hair so that your sweaty bodies were pressed up against each other.
“What?”
“Look at me.”
You crane your neck to meet Yunho gaze, barely able to keep your eyes open as the pleasure begins to overwhelm you. There’s something entirely too intense about being fucked into the next dimension while maintaining eye contact, and you know that it’s only a matter of time before you fall apart into a boneless, screaming mess.
“Come for me.”
You’re done for after that, as if your body somehow needed his permission to let go and fall into an orgasm that rips through your whole body like a tidal wave. Yunho follows you over the abyss only a few seconds later, your tight walls seemingly squeezing the release out of him. He doesn’t pull out of you, and at first just leans down to languidly make out with you. He shifts his body a little bit, cock moving inside of you, and little sparks of arousal hit your stomach, making you crave another round as if you’ve not already been fucked into exhaustion. But he eventually withdraws from you, pulling out of you with a wince, feeling depraved as he watches his cum drip out of you and fighting the urge to finger it back in. But he gets up and grabs some tissue, and in the end you fall asleep sweaty and naked in each other's arms. You can’t think of anything more comforting.
There was a part of you that almost didn’t want the summer to end. But there was something you had to look forward to that trumped almost any other thought in your mind.
“You know, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” Yunho had told you a few days after you had gotten home from the cruise, the two of you sitting on your back porch swing and enjoying the cool nightime breeze. “What would you say if I told you I wanted to transfer to your school?”
The idea was brought up seemingly out of nowhere; the two of you had been having an otherwise normal conversation about your favorite brand of chocolate – spurned on by the fact that you had just finished making smores with Kai and your mother – and now, you were doing a double take, processing what you were initially inclined to think was a crazy idea.
“I’d say you were a senior about to leave behind all of the connections you’ve made in the past 3 years for no reason,” you argued firmly in reply, putting down the skewer of burnt marshmallow in your hand so that you could view him more clearly. You could hear from the tone in his voice that this was an idea he had been considering seriously. And while you weren’t vehemently opposed, not necessarily, you couldn’t see why he would want to make such a big change at such a pivotal year in his college career.
“Do you really view yourself as ‘no reason’?” he replied, the subletest hint of mocking in his voice as he moved to swing your legs onto his lap. You couldn’t help but smirk at the way he was looking at you, soft eyes and handsome smile never failing to make your stomach swoop. “Y/N, you are the most important person to me. Nothing trumps that,” he finished with a reassuring smile.
These days it was not at all shocking to hear Yunho declare his feelings for you so candidly. And yet, more than feeling flattered, you were sobered to hear the deep and gruff sincerity in his voice that let you know how serious this was to him.
“Besides, I’ve created more bad decisions there than good ones. Kai is the only person I’d really be leaving behind and we’ve been friends for all of our lives. I doubt me going to a different school will really make a difference.”
That was your biggest concern – that Yunho felt like he had to leave a life he built behind because of you. But hearing his rationale, you think that you too, would want to leave if being at school reminded you of a past you were trying to run away from.
“How serious are you about this?”
“Very serious,” Yunho asserted, squeezing you thigh as if to emphasize this point and watching as it makes you smile. “Going back to my old school means going back to an older version of me. But I’m not that guy anymore. I want to be with you and build back the trust between us. I want to spend my last year as a college student with you.”
Everything he was saying was incredibly real and romantic in a way that was very close to bringing a tear to your eye. One year ago when you were talking on this same back porch, contemplating whether you even wanted to continue this relationship, you would have never thought that the two of you would be going back to school together. You felt so happy it was as if your heart could physically burst from it’s seams, a feeling that had you leaning in to kiss Yunho on the lips.
He met you back in a kiss that was soft, slow and purposeful, your hands that were once idle now coming up to cradle his face. “Kai is gonna kill us,” you mumble against your boyfriend's lips, suppressing a giggle. “I stole his Yunho.”
Yunho smirked, pulling at your bottom lip with his teeth before releasing it with a wet plop. “I’ll just have to tell him that I love his little sister very much,” he murmurs, letting his hand travel freely up your leg. “And that it wasn’t in my power to resist her.”
Heat pooling deep in your belly, you could not find it in yourself to care that you were in a position where it would be all too easy to be caught. It was a reckless spirit you could only attribute to the pure happiness you felt at knowing that this would be your new normal – having access to Yunho whenever you wanted, spending time together and feeling constantly affirmed and accounted for.
Because while you’ve forgave him and heard more than enough to explain his actions from the previous summer, you’d be lying if you said the assurance of knowing he was on campus wasn’t at least a little bit comforting.
You could feel in your chest that this was the beginning of something permanent in your life.
The last day of summer arrived ominously in a shroud of dark gray storm clouds and distant echoes of rain. You had woken up far earlier than you alarm, perhaps out of unconscious excitement for the day ahead, and took one last look at the bedroom you had grown up in. A pile of luggage and storage containers in the corner of your room now stood as the sole testament to the belongings that had once been on display.
A few hours later you got up, no longer able to prolong your rise once you saw what time it was. You went downstairs to find that the sky had cleared up considerably in the time you had spent lounging in bed. In the large open windows of your kitchen, you saw that out of the dreary shadows of the storm clouds came what felt like the brightest sun all summer. If there was ever a reason to feel optimistic, this was it.
“Got everything?” your brother asked you, standing standing sweaty in front of you after coming back from his third trip to the car. He would be leaving to begin his senior year the following day and for now was here to help you and with your things, however begrudgingly.
“Yeah. I’m missing a few toiletries, but me and Yunho will just pick them up on the way there,” you mention offhandedly, looking up when you hear your brother let out an affronted groan.
“I hope you’re happy now that you’ve stolen my best friend, Y/N,” he mourned, though gratefully, you could hear the sarcasm lacing his tone – truly, you were worried about how he would take the news about Yunho transferring schools.
But perhaps it was the way you both seemed so much happier these days, the way his best friend was more content than he had ever seen him in their 22 years of friendship and his little sister was almost glowing with happiness.
Still, he was your older brother, and as older siblings often do, he would not let you forget what he dramatically considered to be a great personal offense.“Who am I gonna talk to when I’m at school? What am I gonna do?”
“Find a girlfriend, hopefully,” you replied back sarcastically.
“I hate you,” Kai remarked, but with his words also came a long arm that reached out to pull you into a hug, which you reciprocated. Head pressed into his chest, you were only just then beginning to appreciate how much taller your brother how gotten, how much he had matured in the past few years.
“You’ll call me if he hurts you, won’t you?” he muttered paternally into the top of your head. You can hear by the tone in his voice that he was mostly joking, but there was a hint of seriousness in his words that you appreciated more than you could express.
You brother was protective of you all your life but it nearly always came with some sort of sass, leaving you to feel like he was being malicious more often than not.
But this is one of those rare moments where you can feel that he’s being sincere and it allows you to let your walls down just a little more than usual.
“Sure,” you replied with a giggle, pushing him at his sides so you could look him in the eye. “But Kai, trust me when I say I don’t think I’ll be calling you at all.”
“And I trust you, at least, more than I did two summers ago,” Kai replied, giving you an earnest and penetrating look even as you rolled your eyes at him. “So prove me right and don’t make any bad decisions in the name of love, okay?”
You were just about to open your mouth to assure him once more when your mother came up beside the both of you, surprising you as she enclosed the both of you in her long-armed embrace. “I’m so happy! My kids are getting along and acting like they love each other!”
The way that she was attempting to hug both of you at once had you and Kai’s head’s bumping against each other’s uncomfortably, causing you both to groan. Though you were both squirming to get away from her, muttering complaints as she began to pepper wet kisses along your faces, there was a silent understanding between the three of you that you all loved each either a lot, and would be sad to leave home.
The tender moment was interrupted, however, when a loud car honk rang out, coming from the direction of your front yard. Your mother perked up at the sound, letting go of you and Kai almost immediately. It was no surprise, then, that the next words out of her mouth were a joyous exclamation of, “Oh! Yunho’s here!”
Your boyfriend had left temporarily to get gas for his far-too-old-car, which you swore would not survive even the 30 minute trip to your college. Nonetheless, his appearance meant that it was really time for you to go, no more time left to bicker with your family unless you wished to be late for your assigned move in time.
Locating the last of your luggage, you headed outside with your brother and mother trailing behind you to find Yunho smiling handsomely at you from the front seat of his car. You were reminded with a nostalgic jolt of the moment almost 3 years ago when you first saw him like this, and knew that you would not be able to resist the overwhelming and immediate feelings of attraction for the boy who had been a background player in your memories for all of your life.
“All set?” your mother asked once you had managed to fit your things in the trunk and were strapped in the passenger seat besides Yunho.
“Yep,” Yunho answered warmly. “We’ll just need to make one stop on the way, and then we’ll be off.”
Your mother looked between the two of you with an anxious look on her face. As usual, she could hardly feign excitement at the notion of sending either of her children off to school. But you noticed that she wasn’t nearly as teary as usual. Back when you were a high school senior, watching your brother leave for college, you remember how scared she was to let her first child out of the nest. The only thing that comforted her was knowing that Kai had Yunho with him every step of the way. And now, she could have those same sort of assurances with you.
“Call me when you get there, okay?” she asked, hugging Yunho through the car window and then moving on the other side of the car to do the same to you. You could see your brother standing a few feet behind her, fighting and losing the battle not to laugh. “Use protection!” were the last words your mother yelled as you and Yunho sped off down the street.
It was around 10 minutes into the drive to your college that, in the midst of karaoke and banter between you and Yunho, you noticed through the window that he had sped past the nearest corner store. “I thought you said we were making a stop?” you questioned, turning down the radio so you could be heard, raising an eyebrow when you saw a conscious look take over Yunho’s expression.
“We are,” he says, lips twitching with the start of a smirk. “I have somewhere I wanted to take you first.”
Bemused and excited as you take in your boyfriend’s mysterious words, you relax in your car seat, watching through the window as the suburban landscapes of your neighborhood give way to coastal sky. And sure enough, as the minutes go by and the smell of salty water through the cracked window becomes more pronounced, you find yourselves parked in front of a sandy beach.
There must be an unspoken, unconscious understanding between you and Yunho, because you otherwise couldn’t explain how he knew that time here at the quiet, serene, idyllic beach with just the sounds of the water washing over the shore is just what you needed to ground yourself before the school year tarted. But then again, you suppose you shouldn’t be surprised anymore, only proud to see the growth in the man who has seemingly changed so much in the years that you’ve begun to really know him.
You walk hand in hand alongside the shoreline, something that now seems to be a constant between the two of you, shoes off so you can feel the cool water against your ankles, not talking but feeling understood more than you ever have with anyone else in your life.
As you reach the rocky end of the coast, wind now blowing your shirt and necklace through the air, you spot something that makes your heart skip a beat.
Bending low until your knees hit the earth, you reach between two rocks and gently pull a green, four-petaled plant out of the grassy opening.
“A four leaf clover? Again?” says a bemused Yunho as you stand up to present the wonder to him. “What are the odds?”
He takes it from between your fingertips with a sense of curiosity in his grinning expression, and before it happens, you already know what he’s planning to do with it.
“About as terrible as the odds of me forgiving you were,” you mutter under your breath in jest, and the feel of Yunho’s reciprocated giggle warms your face as he closes in on you.
As he tucks the small plant into the juncture where your ear and sideburns meet, you think about how symbolic this all is. How when he did this almost 3 years ago, the clover you kept as a keepsake wilted and died on your bedroom desk. In many ways, finding this new one feels like the physical manefistaiton of this new beginning you are starting together. And with the old one dead, you are now free to move on from the struggles that previously defined your relationship.
The way Yunho looks at you now is blazing. His love for you shines through his every porice in a way that is comfortably blinding. He leans down until your lips are brushing, causing you to feel the vibration of his next words.
“Guess we’re good at beating the odds, then?”
END
a/n: ty you all so much for your support on this fic :))))
omg you have to be shadowbanned bc i follow you and dont see your works pop up in any tags or even my feed and your work is so so so amazing that your interactions should be wayy up in the hundreds if not thousands. thank you for the second part of summer dive!! you are so so talented and have the best way with words. will wait excitedly for part 3 no matter how long it takes!! you have a dedicated fan in me!!
tumblr is going to hell omg :/// but tysm for the kind words anon 🥰🥰🥰
paring: yunho x fem reader
genre: fluff, smut, angsty, brother’s best friend, boy next door
word count: 30k
summary: something is noticeably different about yunho when he returns home after a long year away at college. the boy you knew as your brother’s best friend is suddenly charming, open, and dangerously handsome. you embark on a summer romance, discovering in the end exactly why your brother warned you to stay away.
warnings: explicit sex scenes, oral (female and male receiving), corruption kink, pull out method (wrap it b4 u tap it), far too many run-on sentences, some parental trauma stuff but very briefly
ao3 link can be found here.
You’re sitting on your front porch in the middle of May when your brother and his best friend pull up in front of your house.
Kai, your older brother, and Yunho, his best friend, have been away at a college about an hour away from home, here now for summer break after successfully completing their freshman year.
You’re mostly happy to see your brother as he exits from the passenger side of the car, looking a little bit taller though perhaps it’s because you haven’t seen him since Christmas.
No one is as excited to see him as your mother though, running off the porch to tackle him with a hug before you can even get up from your spot on the bench. You’ve been witness to your mother’s anguish over the past year as she’s been processing the fact that her first-born son is an adult now, going to college and getting into God knows what kind of trouble as he encounters sex, drugs, alcohol, and all of the other scary things that are associated with college.
The only thing that made her feel better was knowing he had Yunho as a best friend, the taller boy always responsible and polite in her presence.
okay okay i could write an essay about this (says i who sucks at writing feedback like i have everything in my head it just won’t come out of there)– first of all, i’m so down bad for yunho these days and then you come up with THE tropes. brother’s best friend, boy next door? THAT IS SO YUYU.
i binge read this on ao3 a few days ago and decided to support you here too bc omg this fic is soo good it deserves all kinds of support. so here i go *breathes* i’m writing this from memory bc i read this like a week ago and forgot to reblog here bUT IM HERE NOW so pardon me if it’s a bit jumbled-
the annoying brother who cares about you deep down but is an asshole, and then yunho the best friend of your brother who you’re afraid would never see you as anything other than his best friend’s sister, i dig that so much. and then when he’s interacting and making it clear he’s not interested in you as kai’s sister but just you… sighing dreamily. the little dates where they mow lawn? the icecreams afterwards? the secretly meeting during sleepovers? the first date omggg it was so perfect ksjdghjkdfhg i could sob.
the trip to the lake and everything about it. yunho’s little confessions and admittance about how he really feels. them finding safe space with each other- oh, and the Y necklace!! and the smut hoho this whole thing was perfect.
AND THEN. IM SORRY I JUST READ WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE SUMMARY AND THE LITTLE WARNING THERE AND WHEN KAI DROPPED THE BOMB THE SHOCK I FELT AS IF I MYSELF HAD BEEN BETRAYED DKGHDKHFGHJLGF THANK GOODNESS THERE WAS A PT 2 so rest of my thoughts there-
but this was amazing. i’ll be reading this again and again. thank you for writing this <33
You might be shadowbanned so your posts aren’t showing up in the tags. You can try reaching out to tumblr bc your works deserves to be seen!
😪 ty for letting me know. if anyone has dealt with this before and knows the best way of getting in touch with tumblr pls let me know. in the meantime reblogs are 2x appreciated <3
part two of summer’s dive
paring: yunho x fem reader
genre: angst, brother’s best friend, boy next door, fuckboy au
word count: 25k
summary: last summer, your brother’s best friend broke your heart in a way you thought you’d never recover from. now, almost a year later, you learn the truth of his betrayal and fight the the parts of you desperate to forgive and the parts of you unable to forget.
warnings: none
ao3 link can be found here.
“You’re lying,” were the first words out of your mouth.
Because there isn’t any possible scenario in which you’re willing to accept that the Yunho you knew this summer did everything he did with you while having a girlfriend.
The Yunho that planned romantic dates and put so much effort into making your time together special.
The Yunho who was vulnerable with you, who listened and made you feel safe enough to confess your own insecurities.
The Yunho that called you beautiful and made you feel more adored and wanted than you had ever felt in your life.
“Are you forgetting that we spend almost every day together, Y/N? That he’s my best friend?” your brother asks, looking exasperated as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and scrolls in search of what you can guess is proof of his words.
You almost want to tell him to stop because you think that if you see actual evidence of something you’re already beginning to fear is true, you’re going to throw up.
But before you can even open your mouth to speak, your brother is shoving his phone in your direction, a picture of Yunho with a girl on his lap displayed on the screen.
You take the device from your brother, holding it in your hand and, against your better judgment, taking a closer look.
The girl on his lap is gorgeous. She sits on Yunho’s lap with her hands thrown around his neck, throwing her head back in laughter as if someone’s told a really funny joke. She has long legs and cascading locs of dark brown hair that go down her exposed back as she wears a short, glittery dress. And she looks comfortable there, on his lap, as if its a place she’s sat thousands of times before. A territory that’s familiar to her.
Yunho’s not really looking at her in the picture, and there’s a level of disinterest on his face, but his arm is around her waist. He touches her in the way that a boyfriend touches a girlfriend – casually. It’s a familiar touch that you may not even realize is there, yet unconsciously makes you feel instantly more comfortable.
Kind of like how it felt when he touched you.
You realize the picture is from an Instagram account and you swipe out of it until you’re staring at the profile of a girl who, perhaps in another life, you might’ve been friends with. She seems accomplished, cool, smart. The picture of her on Yunho’s lap is the only one on her feed that seems to reference a man at all – everything else is pictures of her and her friends, of her at conferences, of her on campus. You double-check the time stamp of the photo with Yunho, confirming it was posted in late April, feeling sick as the idea of her being Yunho’s girlfriend becomes all the more real.
Your brother snatches the phone out of your hand before you can scroll any further, and a part of you is grateful. If you had to see any more pictures of this clearly beautiful, intelligent girl you think you’re gonna throw up.
“You don’t fucking listen, Y/N,” your brother scolds, absorbed by his own annoyance and frustration. “I told you from the very first day I came home that–”
“Telling me to leave him alone and telling me he has a girlfriend are two completely different things,” you snap. “Don’t you think I would’ve listened had I know—”
“I didn’t think I needed to tell you, Y/N!” your brother shouts in reply, throwing his arms up into the air. “I mean, how stupid can you be? Yunho?”
Kai stops to crack a smile, laughing as he thinks about how so non-boyfriend-material his best friend is. “The stories I have about him, Y/N, you wouldn’t even believe some of the shit he’s done with girls—”
“Stop.”
Kai pauses and closes his mouth, taking a closer look at your expression and doing a double take as he sees a pain he didn’t quite capture before. Your voice, unusually weak and dejected, helps him to the realization that perhaps things with Yunho were a lot deeper than what he initially assumed. He thought that at most you might’ve had a crush, and that Yunho being the attention-whore that he is played into it. What he didn’t imagine was that the two of you might’ve had a serious relationship, one that would leave you heartbroken and sad at the idea of him being with someone else. And now suddenly he regrets delivering the news in the way he did.
He’s not sure how to comfort you in this moment because he’s never had to before, never told you about his love life and never asked about yours. He liked things this way, but now he knows he fucked up and has to say something.
“I’m sorry I had to be the person to break it to you,” he gently adds, looking at his feet awkwardly as he searches for the right words. “If he really hurt you, Y/N, tell me, and I’ll sort things out with him.”
“No,” you tell him flatly, a feigned strength coming to your voice so that your refusal is understood. Worse than the confusion you’re feeling right now is the idea of Yunho knowing it, the idea of Kai and Yunho’s relationship made awkward because of you. And as the reality of this moment hits you, your brother’s pity feels suddenly mortifying, and so you stand up straight and try your best to appear okay.
“Don’t tell him anything. I…I was just surprised, that’s all,” you explain, wiping away an angry tear before it has the chance to fall. “You don’t have to comfort me. We’ve never done that for each other before, so please don’t start now.”
You become biting as a way to hide your true feelings, because being mean to your brother feels much more familiar and comfortable to you than receiving his sympathy. The sad eyes he uses to look at you let you know that you’re no more convincing than you feel, and because you know you’ll break if you stand under his gaze any longer, you brush past him on the stairs and head straight for your bedroom.
As the wooden door closes behind you, something immediate happens inside of you that has your knees buckling until you’re on the floor, making strange, muted noises in an effort to conceal your sobs.
That was almost one year ago.
Almost one year ago you experienced all of that pain and suffering realizing that the boy you had been falling in love with was not the person you thought he was. He cheated, not on you, but on someone else, someone else who was there before you and probably equally adored him, someone who may have no idea of your existence. He put you in a position where you became the unknowing homewrecker, an unwilling participating in the destruction of someone else’s happiness. And with that knowledge perpetually haunting you, it felt as if the fabric of your world was crumbling beneath you, the one thing that was holding you together proving itself unsteady and leaving you to deal with the broken pieces of your heart.
But no matter how you felt, no matter how much it felt as if your world was ending, things had to go on. You couldn’t postpone your move-in day, or your first day of classes, or any of these new life experiences that were coming at you faster than what you were ready for.
You had a lot of questions about how things ended and so badly wanted to confront Yunho about them. To hear an explanation from his familiar voice and have him reassure you that everything was going to be okay. But the image of him with someone else was permanently burned in your mind, a betrayal too painful to work through. So you retreated from it all. You blocked Yunho from all communication methods and haven’t spoken to him since. College was busy and provided new experiences that allowed you to forget. You pushed through and distracted yourself until you no longer knew the version of yourself that was infatuated with Yunho.
You’re a different person now, and you like who you are. This new you doesn’t let people in as easily as she once did. She doesn’t foolishly fall in love with someone she was only romantically involved with for three months. She’s distrusting and knows that it’s a necessary precaution for the protection of her peace. She recognizes that her previous naivety is what opened her up to heartbreak and forgives herself because she knows better now.
You can’t say that you’re completely over the situation, or that seeing Yunho again isn’t a real fear of yours. It’s a type of heartbreak that you’re not sure if you’ll ever get over, really.
But you know that if you do see him, there will be no chance for reconciliation in your mind.
Because he broke your heart once and you don’t think you’ll ever be able to forget that.
Out of your brother’s car window, the neighborhood you grew up in appears into focus. The tree-lined streets. The fashionable suburban homes. The uncovered pools in your neighbors’ backyards. You were just here last summer, and yet it still feels new and exciting.
You didn’t return home for fall break, or for winter break, or for spring break like you should’ve. None of it felt like purposeful or conscious avoidance on your part, and what you hated the most was hearing your mother’s sad voice on the other end of the phone as you relayed to her for a second, third, and fourth time that she wouldn’t be seeing her baby daughter for the holidays.
But you were becoming a new person and to do that, it didn’t serve you to be reminded of the past.
When you’re away from home for so long, there comes a fear that when you finally return, things won’t feel the same anymore, and that the place you grew up in would become unrecognizable. But in a moving car, the neighborhood feels endless, full of possibility. It fills you with hope that maybe, this summer won’t be so bad after all.
“You look like a dog with your head out of the window like that, you know,” you hear your older brother remark, looking over at you as he stops at a red light. In reply, you grab an empty water bottle from the dash and throw it at his head, laughing when he fails to dodge it and it hits him right in the face.
His snarky comments throughout the entire car ride have been getting on your nerves, but in a different way, it's what lets you know that you’re home. That even though it's been a while, some things haven’t changed in your absence.
Your brother laughs, and in a more serious way, asks, “Are you excited about the summer?”
You turn back to the window, looking out as you ponder the question. Coming home for the summer and seeing your family for the first time in a year was something that admittedly worried you; you weren’t the same daughter that your mother sent off to school, the same sister your brother saw break down on the stairs of your house.
You think about how you felt around this time last year, how you were so hopeful and excited for your last summer before heading off to college. You just knew that you would use that time to grow and develop as a person, and in some unexpected and painful ways, you did.
Really, your only goal for this summer is to simply make it through. To avoid any conflict until you’re able to return to school and continue your education.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I mean, I guess I should be excited in the sense that I get time off from school. But in another way, I’m nervous to see how things have changed and stayed the same during my time away.”
You weren’t at all meaning to sound profound with your answer but your brother appears impressed all the same, smirking proudly at you when he says, “You’ve changed, you know.”
There’s a lot that Kai has wondered about since that moment almost a year ago when he confronted you with the truth. He saw with his own eyes how hurt you were but never quite knew the extent of it, and of course had no expectations that you’d confide in him about it. Phone conversations throughout the school year could only reveal so much about your disposition, and a part of him didn't know the person he’d meet when he picked you up from your dorm.
But he sees you now and, taking as much as he can from your words and overall demeanor, you seem fine. Like you've grown up a bit in your time away from home which is always a welcome change.
A tiny part of you becomes self-conscious at your brother’s observation. It must show through in your silence, because he moves to assure you.
“You don’t have to say anything. You’ll hear enough about it when mom sees you.”
You arrive in the front driveway of your house just a few moments later, getting out the car and waiting beside it nervously for your mom to come out and greet you.
“Just so you know, she’s totally gonna cry all over you,” your brother warns jovially, bumping shoulders with you as you both stand against the car. “All she does is talk about you.”
You sigh, something about his words making you feel a bit sad. “I know.”
And indeed, when your mother comes out of the house, she almost tackles you with the force of her embrace. She picks and prods at your skin and tells you how different and taller you look and all you can do is bite back a smile, worried that things would be different but instead feeling happy to see her.
It makes you feel optimistic about your summer knowing that things haven’t changed, that just because you’ve become this new person doesn’t mean the relationship with your family has to be any different.
Together the three of you bring your stuff into the house, and it’s entirely reminiscent of the beginning of last summer. You try not to dwell too much on the similarities, because with it comes what's different – most notably the absence of Yunho, whose childhood-long habit of sticking to your brother like glue makes it that much more noticeable.
“Dinner is already ready, and I made your favorites,” your mother entices after you’ve brought up the last suitcase, the promise of food willing your tired legs up the porch steps. But then she looks behind you, her eyebrows creasing in concern. “Kai, what’s going on?”
You turn around to see your brother staring at his phone, and then tucking it into his pocket with an almost too well-meaning smile. “Sorry, I just got a text. I gotta go check on something. I’ll make sure to be back before you guys finish eating.”
“Are you really going to leave on your sister’s first day back?” your mother asks in frustration, narrowing her eyes at your older brother and saying all types of things about how he hasn’t seen you in almost a year and how disrespectful it would be to leave so soon.
But it’s your voice that ultimately settles the debate, explaining to your mother that you and Kai had more than enough time to catch up in the car ride over here and that it’ll be fine if he steps out for a few moments.
So together you and your mother head inside to eat, a display of all your favorite foods spread out against the dinner table and making you feel a little forlorn knowing you won’t be able to finish it all. You tell her all about your semester, catching her up on all of the new developments that she’s missed. She asks you if you’re dating and all other types of invasive questions, and you give her the truthful answer which is no, that no one’s caught your eye and you’re not really interested in dating right now.
You fail to tell her why, or how your trust has been so severely broken that you can’t even imagine opening up to someone again.
It’s a little bit insane to think that your mother knows next to nothing about your summer-long relationship with Yunho, or any of these life shattering emotions that you’ve been experiencing in the past year. Still, you have no desire to hash any of it out now, to bring up memories that have been rendered meaningless to you after months of crying over them.
The hours tick by with lots of conversation and eating and yet still, your brother doesn’t show his face. You have to talk your mother down from calling him and making a big fuss out of it, eventually convincing her to go ahead and get ready for bed because clearly, he won’t be returning anytime soon.
Your mother goes off to her room to sleep while you stay behind to do the dishes, watching the evening blend into night as you scrub away at stained utensils. It isn’t until a little past 9:00pm that your brother finally does show up, the creak of the front door opening giving him away.
“Hey, Y/N,” he says, looking and sounding guilty as he walks over and stands in the archway of the kitchen.
Facing the sink, you turn around at the sound of his voice and can’t help but smirk at his obviously awkward disposition – eyes turned downward to look at his feet, elbow bent to scratch the back of his head. The truth is that you could care less about where your brother’s been, not at all phased or offended at his absence. You’re more interested in making fun of him for seeming guilty about it.
“Where were you?” you ask, giggling as you watch your brother squirm under your gaze. But it isn’t until you look down, where in his hand he holds a video game DVD, that everything starts to make sense. He walked away earlier without getting into his car. As if whatever he needed to “check on” was within walking distance. It finally clicks for you that where your brother’s been was across the street, at Yunho’s house.
Kai must see the gears turning in your head, because his expression turns shameful and apologetic as he attempts to explain himself.
“I…was at Yunho’s house. If…that’s okay with you?”
You can tell by the way he draws out the ‘if’ that he’s’ super scared to be telling you this, scared of how you’ll react. “I just wasn’t sure if it’s something that you would have a problem with and I—”
“I know. It’s fine,” you tell him calmly.
Because in no scenario were you expecting that your brother would just stop being best friends with Yunho at your expense.
You understand that their friendship dates your relationship by about 18 years, and that Kai doesn’t know enough about the extent of your relationship to be offended on your behalf.
“Really,” you emphasize when it feels like Kai is still looking at you like you’re a bomb waiting to explode. “You don’t have to sneak around to be with your best friend. It’s okay.”
“Can I ask you a question?” your brother says next, looking awkwardly at the floor before meeting your gaze. “Are you…okay?”
Because a part of him wonders if maybe you’re a little too fine about all of this. He can’t help but think about all of those breaks when you didn’t come home from school and wonder if that cool, cold demeanor is a cover for something more.
You take a few seconds to ponder the question, thinking of all that’s transpired since last summer. All of the hurt you dealt with alone, all of the isolation you experienced, all of the pain you had to transform in order to become this new person. A person who will never allow herself to be that hurt again.
“Yes,” you answer. Because with all things considered, you think you are.
A part of you is scared, though, that all of that will end when you inevitably see Yunho again.
Your first few weeks of summer seem to suggest that perhaps things will, after all, be decent like you were hoping for.
Because you’ve met a group of friends and found a way to spend your time that seems pretty worthwhile, at least for now.
It became pretty obvious at the conclusion of your freshman year that you’d pretty much have no choice but to work during the summers. Your scholarship covered mostly everything, but there were things left that you needed during the semester that weren’t going to pay for themselves.
You found a job opening for a coffee shop in your neighborhood that you had only visited a few times throughout the shocking number of years it has been residing in your neighborhood. It seemed like easy enough work for pretty abhorrent pay, but it was standard for this sort of job, and outside of this, your only other option was to maybe start mowing lawns again – and for obvious reasons, that wouldn’t do.
Your interview was incredibly informal. Just a rambunctious boy named Wooyoung sitting you down and explaining that with the amount of people that had been run out of the job, they were willing to practically hire anyone who applied.
You weren’t sure what to say to that information but you smiled at it anyway, accepting the job and feeling more like you were doing them a favor by accepting it then them for offering it to you.
The work so far has been simple enough, just heating up prepackaged food and making tolerable drinks. The time goes by fast with your coworkers, whose lives are entirely all-consuming and interesting. It’s very easy to fall into their stories when you’re supposed to be working, and with a young Wooyoung as the manager, you pretty much never have to worry about being scolded.
“Y/N–-” says Mingi, your charming, blonde, giant of a coworker who really should be wiping tables instead of gossiping right now, “--Did Lisa tell you about the new guy she’s talking to?”
“Oh Mingi, would you stop trying to tell all my business to Y/N?” Lisa remarks before you can respond, eyes rolling as a prominent blush makes its way to her cheeks. “I’m sure she’s tired of hearing about my exploits.”
“And I’m not?”
You laugh, watching as Lisa grazes the top of Mingi’s head with a bag of coffee beans. The two of them never fail to make a slow work day amusing with their back-and-forth banter and genial attitude towards you. They’ve been working at this coffee shop together for far longer than you have – both of them grad students and roommates who were looking to pick up extra work to pay their rent – and yet in your few weeks, you’ve already been made to feel like a part of their inner circle. You were delighted to find out that Mingi was pursuing his Master’s in Music Education at your university, unbeknownst to you until you started working together.
“Actually, I really love hearing these stories, Lisa,” you earnestly reply, to which Lisa rolls her eyes, though you can tell by the grin that follows that she’s not really mad at you. If she was, she’d clock Mingi in the face before he could get the first few words of his story out.
Instead, she leans against the back counter and listens as Mingi animatedly narrates Lisa’s weekend date. “Tell me why she’s now involved with a military guy,” he says, mimicking the assembly of a gun with his hands to accentuate his words. “He let it casually slip during their date that he just got back from Europe and will be stationed in North Korea next week.”
“South Korea, actually,” Lisa interrupts, tilting her head back in a dreamy sort of way, though you can tell she’s just being dramatic. “He says he wants to fly me there so we can keep seeing each other even while he’s serving.”
“Oh, tell me he’s not serious?” you ask. “After one date?”
“He’s totally serious. I’m not though. I’ll take the free flight and probably have a vacation or something.” Lisa shrugs, then turns to glare at Mingi. “Lord knows I need one. This guy stresses me out on the daily. Y/N, did you know he accidentally left the oven on in our apartment last night?”
“Did I? Or was I just finding a cost-effective way to stay warm in our freezing cold apartment?”
“Guys! There’s a customer waiting!” a voice coming from the back storeroom shouts, and when you turn to meet it, you see Wooyoung looking grumpy with a clipboard in his hand. He must be taking inventory, his least favorite activity, which explains the attitude. You exchange amused looks with both Mingi and Lisa before the three of you silently walk over to your respective posts, doing the work you always seem to forget about.
Anytime a customer is at the register, it means it's your cue, always being the one to take orders as your coworkers are a lot more crude and admittedly not very good at their social skills.
You turn around to greet the customer and are barely able to get your rehearsed greeting out.
Because as soon as you lock eyes with the tall, dark haired man behind the register, you feel your entire world shifting in the same way it did the first time you saw him.
“Hi, how can I help you?” are the words that come out of your mouth automatically as you’re turning around, but when you see him, it’s like your entire throat goes dry.
You should’ve known that all of these weeks of peace and quiet were just the calm before the storm. That you seeing Yunho in this small, suburban neighborhood that you grew up in was just as inevitable as summer rain.
You had prepared yourself for the moment in which you would see him and played out versions of the scenario in your head multiple times. In one scenario, you’d seem completely cold. In another, you’d run away. You weren’t at all anticipating this version, the one in which you’d simply be so shocked and panicked that you wouldn’t say anything at all.
“Y/N,” Yunho says, your name coming out of his mouth for the first time in what feels like forever. He stares at you with wide, brown eyes, all of the shock and surprise of seeing someone you weren’t expecting to see painted all over his handsome features.
He looks healthy, though you don’t know why you expected otherwise. Perhaps it would’ve been comforting to know he was struggling without you, that the pain of your absence had left a physical impact.
But instead, he looks as good-looking as ever in his black t-shirt and baseball cap, locks of dark hair falling out on the sides where the hat just doesn’t quite fit. He’s still the same tall, attractive dark-haired boy you came to be smitten with. Though now, he opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to find the right words, trying to figure out what to say to someone you haven’t seen in months, someone who you so badly fucked things up with.
“I had no idea you were back or else I would’ve…I would’ve come to see you,” he tells you, lifting up his hat to run an anxious hand through his hair. And you can see the panic in his eyes, see the expression of having so much to say but not knowing how to express it. “Fuck. I haven’t seen you in almost…a year.”
You don’t know what to say to him and it causes you to shrink into a smaller version of yourself. All of the confidence you might’ve had about who you were, the person you’d become post-Yunho, all fades away with just a few seconds of his presence. You feel angry, mad at yourself and frustrated to even be feeling this way. And as these thoughts course through you, all you can do is stare downward at your fingers, trying desperately to steel yourself but feeling as if all of the words have been knocked out of you with the force of his appearance.
“Do you guys know each other?” you can hear Mingi’s voice ask, and you don’t think you’ve ever felt anything quite like the relief that washes over you. He steps away from the coffee machines that decorate the back counter to come hover beside you, looking at Yunho with a polite grin on his face.
You hold silently for Yunho to answer your coworker’s question, waiting and then looking up to find him staring at you with the same sort of expectation in his expression. Burdened by his defiant silence, you force your lips together in an almost-smile and turn to Mingi with the words, “Yeah. He’s a friend.”
Mingi hums at you and then turns back to Yunho, extending out his arm for a handshake. You watch with anxious trepidation as Yunho almost seems not to notice it, his eyes still burning intensely into yours with a fire in them that makes it impossible for you to look away either. But he eventually turns to Mingi, and in a strained and robotic movement, shakes his hand. “Hi. Yunho.”
“Mingi,” your coworker replies back, a look on his face that tells you he doesn’t know just quite what to think about the man in front of him.
After he’s let go of Mingi’s hand, Yunho immediately turns back to you, and in an uncharacteristically rude fashion, completely cuts Mingi out of the conversation. “Y/N, can we–”
Whether it’s because he’s persistent, oblivious, or trying very purposely to piss Yunho off, Mingi interrupts the taller boy with another question. “How do you guys know each other?” Mingi’s long armed embrace finds its way around your shoulders, squeezing you into his chest. “Y/N always says so little about herself, so I’m always curious to hear from people who know her. Like, longer than I have.”
You watch as Yunho’s eyes zero in on Mingi’s arm, the expression on his face changing subtly as he processes the image before him. “Sorry–” he says, looking at Mingi’s hand and then up at his face. “--what did you say your name was?”
“Mingi.”
“And who are you to her?”
A jealous edge you’ve never heard before comes into Yunho's voice, and makes Mingi clearly uncomfortable. “Her…coworker?” he timidly replies, looking back and forth between the two of you in confusion, and that’s when you feel compelled to finally address Yunho directly.
“Yunho there’s a line behind you so you really should…order.”
Your voice comes out sounding weak and apprehensive but it’s as if you told Yunho to go fuck himself, the look he gives you all types of hurt and offended. He looks back and forth at something that’s not there, speaking in low tones and leaning down so that you hear him when he frantically whispers, “Are we not going to talk?I haven’t seen or heard from you in months, Y/N.”
You feel conflicted for reasons you don’t understand, opening your mouth in what should be a very clearly defined no but instead breathing out little puffs of broken air.
“Y/N, are you good up here? I’m fine with taking orders for a change.” Mingi asks, making you feel bad as you realize you almost forget he was still there, at your side, squeezing your shoulder just slightly as if he can sense that you need some support in getting your words out in this moment.
But in a moment where the very obvious answer should be an enthusiastic yes, please save me from this ridiculously uncomfortable interaction, you rest a hand on your coworker's chest, pushing him away just slightly as you quietly reply, “It’s okay, Mingi.”
Mingi accepts this, though you can see in his face that he’s a little confused and probably wondering about the dynamic he’s just witnessed, plus the sudden change in your personality. But he goes back to making drinks, and that’s when you turn to face Yunho, who’s already opening his mouth to speak.
“I know you must have a lot of questions and you have no idea how badly I’ve been wanting to answer them. I just…” he sighs, once again overwhelmed by all of the things he wants to say to you in this moment. It all boils down to one sentiment: “I need to talk to you, Y/N.”
You can feel yourself starting to get worked up as you think about everything he’s saying and all of the ways in which his words are no longer meaningful to you. Because he sounds so sincere, so passionate in his need to hash things out with you, but the only thing you can think about is that he also sounded sincere when he told you he was falling in love with you. When he said he’s never felt like this with anyone before. And what hurts and makes you want to cry is that you can no longer tell if any of it was real anymore.
You feel an urgent need to get away from here, to do whatever it is you need to do to get out of this situation and fast.
“I’m at work, Yunho,” you tell him, almost pleading in the way your voice takes on a shaky inflection. “Can you just…tell me what you want so I can get it to you and you can go?”
You didn’t mean to sound harsh, but you know the impact has been made when you look at Yunho’s face and see the disappointment on it. You watch as he realizes, perhaps for the first time, how badly he’s managed to hurt you. And with the weight of that realization, he clears his throat, and with a neutral, dull voice, reluctantly tells you his order.
You type it in stiffly, foregoing the pleasantries you’d usually use with customers. “$4.50, please.”
Yunho can see the way your hand just slightly trembles when he hands you his exact amount in cash, repressing the urge to reach out and steady it because he knows it would break you and he knows how much you’d hate to show emotion in public. So he remains quiet and takes his receipt, standing off to the side to wait for his drink.
You walk backwards to the counter where your coworkers are. Usually it would be your responsibility to make the drink of the customer whose order you took, but you can feel yourself beginning to break down, so you slide the empty cup for Yunho’s order over to an idle Lisa.
“You can handle this, yeah? I’m gonna go on break.”
Lisa stares at you incredulously, looking down at the plastic cup in your hand like it’s a vibrator or something else equally shocking. “Bitch, you literally just had a break.”
You don’t have the energy nor the desire to explain to Lisa your sudden lack of energy, so you just sigh as you place the cup down on the counter in front of her. “I need a second.”
“Are you okay?”
In your new friend’s eyes, you see the change from friendly playfulness to concern that you wish you could answer with honesty. But the lie is a whole lot safer, and feels better coming off of your tongue. “Yeah,” you reply, walking away from her before she can think to wonder otherwise. You take off your apron, slipping into the back storeroom where you’re free from the weight of Yunho’s gaze.
You stay in the storeroom for a few minutes, gathering yourself and trying to process everything that just happened. You take long, deep breaths, willing yourself to stay present and not regress into the version of yourself who would freak out about these things. You’re a different person now, you tell yourself. You’re not the little girl who got her foolish heart broken. You can face him and be just fine.
You repeat those words to yourself over and over until you eventually mange to convince yourself not only that you’re fine, but that you can walk out there and hand Yunho his drink without breaking a sweat. Maybe that will prove to him what you failed to prove in your initial interaction – that despite everything, you are, and will be continue to be, happy without him.
And so you walk out of the dark storeroom, into the light of the coffee shop, fully prepared to say all the things you couldn’t when you were assaulted with the shock of seeing him again. But in the 10 minutes that pass while you were in the storeroom, you look around, and Yunho is nowhere to be found.
His drink sits cold and untouched on the front counter of the coffee shop. Yunho has walked out on you, and though you never wanted to see him in the first place, his absence stings like a freshly opened wound.
No matter where you run to, there seems to always be a trace of Yunho. Work, which used to be a distraction, now fills you with dread at the thought that he might show up again. Outside of your bedroom window, his presence lingers in the memories of him climbing up the side of your house to take you on a date. On your desk is the wilted 4 leaf clover that he once gave to you. For some reason you haven’t thrown it away, instead watching it slowly rot in the absence of any life-sustaining support. Almost like it’s mirroring the feelings of affection you once had for him.
Laying down in your bed on a day off from work, you close your eyes and try to imagine what your life would be like if last summer never happened. If you hadn’t ignored your brother’s advice and fell hard for Yunho’s smile and sweet words. Is there anything you wouldn’t give to make that a reality? To not feel this hot mix of both rage and longing at the same time?
After trying and failing to block out any of these thoughts, you head out of your upstairs bedroom and towards the stairs in search of the kitchen, a pint of ice cream saved in the freezer for times like these where the regular distractions don’t seem to work.
As you enter the hallway, the relative silence initially suggests that you are home alone, which fills you with relief. With how fragile you’ve been feeling in these past few days, you’re afraid that just one annoying comment from your brother, or one concerned look from your mother, would be all it would take for you to break.
But as you start to walk down the first few steps of your stairs, the sound of the front door closing and two familiar voices stops you in your tracks.
“Dude, I don’t even think you realize how long I’ve been wanting to play this game,” he says casually, the familiar deepness of his voice making your stomach swoop.
“No, I know,” your brother affirms in response. “That’s why I had to hurry up and get it.”
Just the sound of Yunho’s voice makes your body go tense with dread. You see him standing at your front door with your brother, an image that, one year ago, wouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary. But of course, that was before last summer happened. Before anything happened. So now, you freeze at the top of the stairs, about to make a run for it before they notice you’re there when suddenly, you’re spotted.
“...I only paid $60 for it too. I’m telling you, the girl at the GameStop loves me,” Kai explains to Yunho. And then, when he looks up after taking his shoes off, he sees you. “Oh. Hey, Y/N.”
You watch as the air between the two of them changes as soon as they register your presence. What was just a casual exchange between close friends becomes stilted on both sides, Kai looking at you like he’s just been caught stealing something while Yunho stares at you indignantly, wearing the same expression he did at the coffee shop when you first saw each other. Steely determination with just a hint of sadness and concern mixed in.
You stand stiffly and anxiously at the top of the stairs, not knowing what to say and trying to ignore the heavy feeling of Yunho’s gaze on your body. “Hi.”
“Me and Yunho were about to go upstairs and try this new game,” Kai tepidly remarks after a few moments of awkward silence, looking at Yunho who merely stares off distantly. “It’s not a problem, right?”
You’re bothered that Kai is making it seem like he has to okay things with you first before he can let Yunho into the house. What you must look like to Yunho right now, what pleasure he must be taking in seeing that he’s turned you into a deranged and broken shell of the vibrant girl you once were.
You need to get away from this scene now. You don’t think you can bear being the subject of their attention any longer, not when it feels yet again like you’re the little girl who crashed the party and ruined the mood for the two best friends.
“It’s fine,” you mutter. Suddenly forgetting what you came downstairs for in the first place, you turn on your heels and head back towards the safety of your bedroom.
What a joke. Not only has Yunho made your job inhabitable, but he’s now holding you hostage in your own house as you lay in your bed, hungry, too afraid to leave in fear of running into him.
You can’t exactly be mad at your brother for inviting him over. You did tell him that he didn’t have to sneak around in order to hang out with his closest friend anymore. But maybe you didn't consider just how bothersome it would be to be affronted with Yunho’s casual and frequent present in your house. Maybe you once again overestimated how fine you really are.
An hour passes, and outside, it begins to rain. The colorless sky sends droplets of water beating against your window, the mirroring of the thunderstorm and your current emotions not at all lost on you.
Looking to distract yourself from both hunger and heartache, you flip through the channels on TV and settle for a K-Drama you’ve already seen before. In it, the lead, an older woman of 50 years or so, is scandalized to find that her life-long husband has been cheating on her with a man. She files for a divorce, and rather than wilting in sadness like society may expect from her, she goes on to date a series of younger men. Each episode chronicles their adventures together, showing slowly but surely how she manages to get her groove back after what many would consider a life-altering betrayal.
You watch what was once a comfort show, making what you know to be juvenile comparisons to your own life, to your own utterly pathetic reaction to a similar betrayal. Why does it seem like even the TV show people live better lives than you?
A crack of lightning crackles outside of your window, and suddenly, everything turns black. Your TV. Your desk lamp. Your entire bedroom.
The lights have gone out. You hear commotion downstairs that seems to suggest it wasn’t just your bedroom that was affected.
Just as you’re about to get up and investigate, you hear the sound of feet shuffling a few rooms over. Knowing at least one of those sounds belongs to Yunho, you decide that maybe you’ll just use this time to go to sleep.
Your absence only goes unnoticed for a few minutes before the sound of your name being called reaches you through the walls. “Y/N!” your mother shrills. “Come help! I don’t know how to turn on my phone flashlight!”
You try to steel yourself as much as possible before you’re opening your bedroom door and heading out into the dark hallway. Almost at the same time, you hear the noise of another door creaking open and look over to see your brother and Yunho entering the hallway right after you.
With how narrow your hallway is, a choice must be made as to which person will be permitted to reach the stairs first, mostly to avoid awkwardly bumping into each other. You stand perfectly still at your own door, waiting for Yunho and Kai to move. In the dark, you’re just barely able to make out Yunho’s arms as they gesture for you to go in front.
“Ladies first,” you hear him say. His voice is soft and gentle, and even with the lights out, you can guess the sort of expression he’s wearing. The soft way he likes to look at you. The way even his most tepid and polite smile lights up his handsome features. You will yourself not to imagine it.
Saying nothing, you head downstairs where in the dark you accidentally bump into your mother at the foot of the stairway. She is swiping furiously at her phone in an attempt to turn her flashlight on, and as always is in awe of you as you perform the very simple mechanic with one fell swoop.
“Oh, thank you, my love,” she replies sweetly in gratitude, looking exasperatedly behind you. “Yunho, Kai, are you guys alright?”
You didn’t even notice that the two boys had made their way downstairs until you hear your mother mention them. Yunho, as always, is incredibly kind in the way he approaches your mother, knowing probably just as well as you that she is acting irrationally over a simple blackout and yet assures her of his and Kai’s safety just the same.
“Yunho, don’t you need to be checking on your grandparents?” your mother asks once she’s rummaged through the closet in search of a few candles.
“They’re fine. They’re out of town visiting friends this weekend,” he explains, leaning casually against the wall while you linger on the opposite side of your room, waiting for your mother to dismiss you so you can get the nap you’ve been waiting for.
“Alright then. Well I’m sure you’ll be staying here to wait out the storm,” your mother states, less of question and more of a command. He doesn’t argue about this and simply hums in reply as your mother helicopters around the living room, placing and lighting candles until everyone’s features come into view. “How about we all come out here in the living room while we wait for the power to come back on? Maybe we can play some games or something while we wait.”
Your aversion to your mother’s suggestion is immediate - the last thing you want is to be in the same room as Yunho right now. But you know your mother and you know that while the lights are out, she’d feel a whole lot better if she knew where all of you were. Even in you and your brother’s old age, she still never stops worrying and getting spooked by such things.
With the candiles lighting up the room, you watch as Yunho and Kai sit down on a couch on the far side of the room, and with a resigned sigh, you do the same.
Your mom ultimately ends up stepping out to the dining room a few doors down, calling the neighbors to see if their power has gone out as well. You can hear her asking loudly if they know when the electrical company is gonna come and whether or not they think this will be an all night thing.
With your mother talking on the phone with no end in sight, you’re left alone with Kai and Yunho in the living room. Trying to keep yourself occupied, you scroll mindlessly through your phone. Sitting on the couch across from you, Yunho and Kai make small talk that you try your hardest not to listen to. But with the boredom that overcomes you and the lack of anything interesting going on in your phone, you can’t help but overhear bits and pieces of their conversation.
And as you hear Yunho go into all of his excitement about going into his next semester at college, contrasting entirely with how miserable of an experience you’ve had at school so far, you can’t help the resentment that festers inside of you. You don’t want to hear anymore of it, so you get up to go to the kitchen.
“Where are you going, Y/N?” you hear Kai ask from behind you, his interest in your whereabouts perplexing until you hear his response to your next words.
“I’m getting some snacks.”
“Can you grab me some too?”
You mutter out something affirmative but don’t give him the chance to tell you what he wants, just needing to hurry up and get out of there before you hear anything else from Yunho.
Years of muscle memory serve as your guide as you reach the completely dark kitchen, hoping to indulge in the plethora of comforting snacks your mom keeps in her pantry. Outside, another crackle of lightning sounds that makes your whole body jump. The brief bit of light that it provides allows you to make out your favorite brand of fruit snacks, sitting on the highest shelf of the pantry.
Standing up on your tippy toes, you extend your fingers in an attempt to reach the shelf. When you fail to even reach the shelf below it, you look around for something you might be able to stand on. But in the dark, not only are you worried that you might end up slipping and hurt yourself, but you also can’t seem to find anything that could hold your weight.
Despite this, you try again and again from different angles to reach the box that is just out of your reach. Right when you’re about to give up, you feel the presence of a warm body behind you. Suddenly, a hand that isn’t your own comes up and grabs the box from the shelf with ease.
“These are the ones you wanted, right?”
How you didn’t hear or notice him entering the kitchen is beyond you. What concerns you most right now is the question of why it felt so comforting just now to feel his body close to you. Why his voice, as deep and smooth as ever, spoken into the depths of your ear is making your body react the way it is reacting right now.
Cloaked by the darkness, you hope Yunho doesn’t see or notice the deep shiver that runs through your body or hears the sharp inhale you take as you process the interaction. Realize that this isn’t a positive thing. That you shouldn’t be feeling this way. That you should be disgusted by his presence. Once all of these thoughts and reminders sink in, you turn around to face him, avoiding his eyes as you take the box of snacks from his hand.
“Thanks,” you mutter, refusing to display any sort of emotion as you walk away from him and back into the living room.
Returning to the living room, you are startled to find that the couch where your brother was just sitting has now been left completely empty.
“Where’s Kai?” you ask out loud. You’re not exactly sure who the question’s for. You don’t really want to speak directly to Yunho, and your mom is still somewhere on the phone. Maybe you thought that Kai was just lost in the dark somewhere, that it would be his voice to answer the call.
But instead, to your utmost irritation, it’s Yunho’s voice that you hear next. “He went to the bathroom.”
The reality of both your brother and mother’s absence settles in your body like a bad fever. There should be no way that after all of your efforts to avoid him, you’ve somehow found yourself in a situation where you are alone with Yunho. It’s so utterly ridiculous that you can’t even hold back the snarky remark that follows this realization. “Isn’t that just perfect?’
You are facing the living room, back turned to Yunho who is still standing in limbo at the entryway to the kitchen. Though you can’t see him, it’s as if you can hear the gears turning in his head as he fights to form the right words. Something in you just knows that he is preparing to use this moment to swoop in and say all of the things he’s been desperately trying to get you to listen to. But the last thing you want to do is allow him that satisfaction.
“Y/N, I–”
“No,” you interrupt, annoyed that he could even get your name out. “I don’t want to talk to you, Yunho. I don’t want to have this…big conversation with you.”
Even as the words leave your mouth, a part of you knows that no matter what you say or do, no amount of objection on your part could stop Yunho from saying what he believes will resurrect the affection that you once had for him.
“How can I ignore you when you’re all I can ever think about?” you hear him say from behind you, his voice quiet, sincere. “No matter where I go, or what I do, every place is a reminder of you.”
Frustratingly, Yunho has managed to so perfectly articulate the exact way you’ve been feeling about him since you’ve returned from school. Even after all of this time apart, he still has the sole ability to tell how you’re feeling before you even know it yourself.
You don’t dare turn around, knowing that seeing his face right now would break you. But you remain silent, and Yunho takes that as permission to keep talking.
“I…I miss you, Y/N,” he says next, his voice so soft that it’s almost rendered inaudible. “All I want is a chance to explain what happened.”
Something about his words causes you to turn around to look at him. His expression falls when he sees anger on your face as opposed to the understanding that your relenting silence suggested.
“Then why haven’t you tried to talk to me before now?” you demand from him, your voice rising without you even realizing it. “Why did I hear nothing from you the entire time I was at school?”
“That’s all I’ve been trying to do, Y/N,” he replies, sounding exasperated like he’s been bursting with the need to get these words out to you. “In August, when your brother first told me everything that had happened, the first thing I did was try to text and call you so I could explain myself. But everything went unanswered for weeks and I was sure that you had blocked me.” he pauses, waiting for you to correct him. “Am I wrong?”
“No.”
“I called your mom—” he continues, a humorless laugh leaving him as he recalls the story. “---and had to make up some lie about you accidentally leaving something in my car and needing to mail it back. She trusts me, of course, so she gave me your mailing address. I sent you letters, but they all were returned.”
You stew glumly with the knowledge that nothing he has said so far is wrong. When you first received an envelope with his name written on it, you immediately went to the mail center, requesting that they automatically return anything from the same address. It’s been easy to imagine that he gave up after seeing that the first one was returned, but his use of the plural letters doesn’t go lost on you.
“I was expecting to come here during Fall break and finally get the chance to speak to you. But you didn’t come home. It was the same thing for Winter and Spring break too.”
You watch Yunho’s face take a sympathetic expression, the candles around the room bright enough to illuminate the contours in his face as he stares sadly into your eyes.
“And that hurts me more than anything. Because I know that you’re pushing your family away and that it’s all because of me.”
You don’t say anything to him. But you can feel tears motivated by a mixture of both anger and sadness stinging their way to your eyes. Sadness because he’s right. Anger because he’s right. Anger at yourself as you’re forced to look down at the ground to hide your face, slowly losing the fight to not show any emotion in front of him.
“I need you to see that all I’ve been doing for the past year is trying to get to you. To talk to you,” he continues when you still don’t say anything. “You have no idea how hard it is to be cut abruptly out of the life of someone you were falling in love with.”
“I have no idea how hard it is?” you exclaim, finally interrupting him when you hear the implication of victimhood in his words. Though you intended to sound strong, you cringe at yourself internally when you hear out loud how broken your voice sounds. So when composure fails you, when you’re sure that you already look and sound crazy to Yunho anyway, you throw it all out of the window in favor of rage. “Are you fucking serious, Yunho?”
The shrill and rageful inflection that your voice takes has Yunho retracting from you, thinking that he was getting somewhere and now seeing just as deeply the hurt runs within you. He knows he shouldn’t be surprised or even affronted by your reaction to his words after what he’s done, and yet still his heart pangs with sadness. The urge to get passionate, to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness, is strong. But he’s waited nearly a year for the chance to explain things to you, and he won’t squander it now by being careless with his words and actions.
So he takes a deep breath and is relaxed as he flatly tells you, “I know that your brother has told you some things about me. And I can explain them.”
The fact that an explanation is being offered rather than an outright denial only further causes it to sink in for you that Yunho really did do this. That there’s no going back to when things were perfect and you never had to concern yourself with any thoughts of disloyalty. Once again, you turn your body away from him, crossing your arms as all of the emotions come suddenly flooding back. You no longer care how small your voice sounds when you say, “If you’re here to tell me that it’s not true, then don’t. I already saw the pictures.”
Yunho is flooded with shame at the thought of you having to be directly faced with his mistakes. He wishes so badly that he could tell you that what you saw wasn’t true. But he can’t.
Because last summer, he made a mistake. And not in the way you probably think that he did. Being with you was one of the greatest decisions he could ever make for himself. But he came into last summer with a litany of complicated relationships that he created with women in college. Short, no-strings-attached relationships with women who he was admittedly careless with. One of them being the girl Kai showed to you.
When last summer started, he didn’t come home with any intention of starting something new, let alone something serious. But then you came along, innocent and sweet and so obviously drawn to him, he couldn’t help himself. Before he knew it, he could feel things getting serious with you. And for the first time in his life, he could see himself wanting to be good for someone. Being the faithful, caring boyfriend that he’s always wanted to be but could never bring himself to. He wanted to take things slow with you, not ruin things by being the reckless, promiscuous playboy he was prior to meeting you.
So after your first date, he decided to delete all of his social media pages. Completely cut off communication with the women he was involved with before you. He wasn’t thinking about the future, or if he was even good enough to be with you. He just liked that you were an escape from his regular life and never wanted it to end. Rather to tell you the truth of the life he was leaving behind in being with you, he concealed it in the hopes of you never changing your starry-eyed, devoted view of him.
But in his lovesick foolishness, he forgot that his life at college and the relationships he recklessly created there still loomed over him. And in the hands of his best friend, his hope of finally living up to being the man he wanted to be and making you his girlfriend, crumbled in front of him like a house of cards.
“I’m not here to tell you that it’s not true. I’m here to tell you that I’m sorry.”
At his words, you scoff. If sorry was something that you needed or wanted from Yunho, you would have listened to him a long time ago.
“Look…” he sighs, sounding desperate as if he can feel you slowly pulling away from him. “There is a side of me that I never wanted to show you. That I never wanted you to know about.
“I’m not…I can’t… be the boyfriend type. I can treat a girl amazing and do all of these things for her, but…I can’t…be anything more than that.”
You don’t know why, but somehow this admission feels like the most real thing Yunho has ever said to you. Like you’re witnessing your first genuine peek into the real him. You are disgusted by him yet simultaneously relieved to finally see something you can believe.
“But then I started to know you,” he softly mutters, right when you think he’s done talking and has left you with the image of a troubled fuckboy. An image that was easier to loathe and to hold a grudge against. But his next words only complicate things for you because like his previous ones, they sound entirely sincere.
“And for the first time in my life Y/N, I felt like I could be a good person. A good man, for you. Last summer meant everything to me. Whatever you may think about me right now, I need you to know that.”
You can hear Yunho’s footsteps behind you as he begins to slowly inch toward you. And for reasons you don’t understand, you make no move to avoid him.
“None of what I said or did with you was fake. I told you things that I’ve never talked about with anybody before,” he soberly proclaims, his voice sounding closer and closer with every word. “I was a better man with you than I’ve ever been with anyone else. And I felt more for you than I thought I was capable of doing with anyone, ever. I’m sorry that you had to see or know anything about me that would have ruined that for you.”
With every sentence, you can feel your defenses slowly melting away. Angry thoughts are replaced with conflicting images of blissful memories from last summer. The memories of a better time between the two of you become easier to hold onto when you begin to believe that, perhaps, he’s telling the truth – they weren’t fake. For some incredibly foolish, stupid reason, you believe him. And though every part of you knows that you should be mad at him right now, you can feel yourself softening at his words.
“But…I need you, Y/N.” His voice is shaky and desperate sounding in a way you’ve never heard him before. Sounding almost like a weakened animal, showing you his rawest and most natural form, breaking down in front of you for the first time. Revealing something sad and vulnerable and feral. “I don’t…like the person I am when I’m not with you. This past year has been the toughest time of my life.”
You’re processing a thousand emotions at once in a way that has left you motionless and unable to argue or reject any of Yunho’s advances. “And now, you won’t let me see you,” he continues, his voice dropped so low and so soft that you feel a shiver down your spine at the sound of it in your ear. “....you won’t let me touch you.”
You can feel Yunho’s presence directly behind your body. Your heart rate quickens as you feel his hand, slowly and apprehensively, reach out to graze against your hip. His touch is soft and fleeting, like he’s trying to test if you’ll move away from it or not before committing. But of course you don’t. How many times has he touched you like this? In someone’s backyard or leaned against the roof of his car or in your bedroom? Too many times for you to ever feel anything more than comfort from it, even with everything you know now.
When you don’t react to his hand on your hip, he comes closer. He leans his head into your neck. His lips hover over the skin of your shoulder, moving up your neck until he reaches the lobe of your ear. His lips never make contact with your skin, so all you feel is his breath, ragged and broken from the intensity of your interaction. Though every thought of Yunho in your brain is colored red, you cannot control your body and how affected you are by his touch. It would feel so good to give in to him, to allow yourself to be enveloped by his warmth.
You can’t will yourself to tell him to stop, all you can do is let out a feeble and shaky, “What do you want me to do, Yunho?”
You hear him swallow. “Look at me.”
You don’t move, but when he grabs your shoulders and turns you around, you don’t say anything or stop him. Immediately, when he touches you, a single, frustrated tear falls. It’s representative of the realization that you are still, very much so, putty in his hands. You’re so angry at him, and yet, he’s still the only person who can make you feel calm and safe like this.
You feel so confused. Why are you letting this happen? Why aren’t you screaming at him to let you go? You’re unable to find an answer before his hands come up to slowly unravel your arms so that they’re at your sides, fingers laced into his.
When he spots the wetness staining your cheek, he immediately moves to hold your face. The tender caress of his thumb against your skin is all it takes for you to fall apart, tears pouring down your eyes as you silently fight back sobs.
“I’m so sorry Y/N. I’m so fucking sorry, ” he exclaims, his own voice raw and broken like he too is fighting back tears. “You were the single most important thing that had ever happened to me, and I fucked it up. I don’t deserve you, and I never have. But I need you,”
He wipes another falling tear off of your face.“The girl your brother told you about is a person I haven’t been close with in months. She and I weren’t together last summer, and I ended things with her for good—”
“Stop.”
Because when he tells you he wants you and touches you and reminds you of how he feels about you, you feel okay again. But when he explains and makes excuses about the girl you saw he was clearly close with, you can’t bear it, and you’re reminded of why you’re angry at him in the first place.
Was this all just a manipulation act? Him going down memory lane knowing the effect that it would have on you? Isn’t this what he’s always been good at – reading you, knowing your exact weaknesses, knowing exactly what to say to get you on your knees?
This is the reality he has forced you to operate in. No matter how much sympathy you may or may not feel for Yunho, you will no longer be able to decipher whether his actions are real or just another way to manipulate you. With this knowledge in mind, how could you ever trust him or listen to him again?
You jerk away from his touch, pulling his hands off of you. But he resists, fighting to hold onto your slippery forearms. “Y/N, please–”
“No!” you yell, pushing him off of you with all of the strength you can muster. “You can’t just break my heart and then come back trying to touch me and say sweet things that I know you don’t mean.”
He steps towards you, looking the most guilty and sad you’ve ever seen him as he watches you fall apart. “Of course I mean–”
“You broke me!” you shout, not even caring at this point how you look or who hears you. You are so done pretending that you’ve been okay, that you weren't completely shattered since what happened, and that Yunho isn’t the person responsible. Tired of pretending that he doesn't deserve to see what he’s turned you into, the monster he’s created.
“My relationship with my family is ruined because of you! I can’t even look at my fucking mom without being reminded of how much I hurt her by staying away for a year! And I did it because of how YOU made me feel!” you yell, words coming out in sobs, tears falling down your face, sounding deranged but not even caring or being conscious of it, unable to stop the words from coming out how they do. “I told you my biggest fears and insecurities! And now I can’t even look myself in the mirror anymore! Anytime a guy compliments me I’m always questioning it because you destroyed my trust! Not just in men, but in everyone.
“I will never be okay again! Don’t you get that? NEVER!”
When you’ve finished yelling, you can’t even take pleasure in the sad look on Yunho’s face. You even swear you see real tears watering his eyes. But you don’t care. None of it matters anymore. None of this matters anymore.
You wipe bubbles of snot away from your nose, taking deep breaths and willing yourself to calm down so that your next words are intelligible. “I thought I knew you. I thought I wanted you. But It doesn’t matter. Nothing you say matters. Because I realize now that the person I thought I liked is nothing like the real you. And I can no longer tell what’s real and what's fake anymore.”
The two of you stand still, frozen in time, frozen in place, not knowing what to say after you’ve both just ripped your hearts out for the other to witness. Now that you’ve both said and exposed the worst parts of yourselves, it becomes easy then to conclude that there isn’t an explanation out there that could possibly fix what’s been broken. Nothing left to say that hasn’t already been spoken.
It seems almost perfect, then, that only seconds after you’ve finished speaking, everything around you is illuminated. The TV sounds with the familiar ding that indicates it’s been turned on. The kitchen microwave lets out a decisive beat. A few rooms over, you hear an exclamation of joy from your mother.
“Perfect timing. Right when I get out of the bathroom, the lights come back on.”
From behind you, you hear your brother’s voice as he comes down the stairs. When he reaches you and Yunho in the living room, you watch his expression carefully as he scans the scene in front of him. If your tense body language wasn’t obviously indicative that something between you and Yunho happened while Kai was gone, your tear-stained cheeks and runny nose give it away.
“Is everything okay?” Kai asks apprehensively, looking back and forth between you and Yunho, who you don’t even bother to look at at this point.
You stay silent, waiting, almost daring Yunho to say something. And without seeing his face, you know he is looking at you and expecting the same. Wiping your cheeks with the back of your sleeve, you take a long breath before you walk past your brother and up the stairs. “Everything is perfect,” you lament, not even trying to hide the sarcasm in your voice that you know your brother would pick up on regardless of your intent.
You found out later that it was a fallen tree which caused the blackout, luckily creating little to no permanent damage to your house in the aftermath. But the impact that the night had on you, and your emotions, could not so easily be dismissed.
The days following the storm went by in a blur of sleepless nights, conflicting emotions, and unanswered questions. You spent most of that time in your room, and though you seldom allowed yourself to mull on the thought, a lot of that isolation was because of the fear that you’d perhaps run into Yunho again.
When you eventually did stumble out of your bedroom for some air, you almost tripped when you realized there was a box at the foot of your door.
You’re not sure how it got there but you bend down to grab it, curiosity overtaking you as you inspect what looks like an ordinary shoebox.
Bringing the box into your room, you sit down to open it and find a fat stack of envelopes. Scrawled over the blemished paper of the top envelope is messy handwriting that you immediately recognize.
It’s the letter you received from Yunho while you were at school. Except, you can see now that there are at least 70 of them in this box. 70 letters that were all returned without you ever knowing they were sent. And now Yunho’s speech about making several efforts to contact you rings more true than you’d ever thought it would.
You look down at the box of letters and feel a strong inclination to just discard them. Doing that would prove that you’ve moved on, that you are genuine in your stance that no explanation could possibly make you forgive him. You know that’s how you should feel.
But your fingers itch to open the first letter, and once you do, the others follow. You read every single one and take in each of Yunho’s emotions over the year in which you were apart. And as you spend your day reading and mulling over the content of the letters, you pray for clarity and that, no matter what, your inclination to not forgive Yunho will remain unchanged.
The shoebox of Yunho’s letters sat on your bathroom counter, untouched since the day you spent reading them. That was a few weeks ago, and since then you’ve been trying to burn any and all contemplation of Yunho from your mind. You don’t want to allow any of the groveling portrayed in his letters to sway the steely anger you’ve been trying your best not to forget.
The box of letters went into detail about all of the things Yunho confessed to you the night of the storm. The impressive roster of women he was seeing before you. His lack of commitment to them, which you assume he thinks must lessen the blow of his actions. His inability to inform you of their existence prior to beginning your relationship. His continued insistence that he wasn’t in contact with any of these women while you were together. The guilt he feels for breaking your heart.
Even if you were to trust the content of the letters, it wouldn’t change the fact that Yunho entered a relationship with you while he was tied to someone else. And no matter how much he tries to convey the juvenility of those ties, you still can’t forget the image of another girl sat on Yunho’s lap, posted just a few weeks before he pulled in front of your house last May with his charming smile and flirty words.
In the reflection of your mirror, you watch yourself adjust the draping of your work apron for the fifth time as you prepare to head in for another shift at the cafe. Yunho hasn’t came back since you first saw him there, and burying yourself in work is one of the few ways you’ve managed to keep your mind off of him for a few mind-numbing hours.
As you change your focus to your hair, mussing at the messy strands that pour out of your uniform hat, your brother’s reflection comes into view. He leans against the door you forgot to close, watching you with a wistful expression on his face. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
You shrug your shoulders in reply. “Well, I’ve had to work.”
“I honestly don’t understand why you work so much,” Kai remarks, absentmindedly picking a piece of lint from the back of your uniform shirt. “It’s not as if you have any kids or responsibilities.”
“Well, I’d just rather be doing something with my time, other than sitting around the house all day.”
“Ouch,” your brother quips, jerking away from you in feigned offense. You realize how your remark might’ve sounded pointed given how much of a homebody he’s been these days. You can’t find it in yourself to feel sorry for him, though – you have a feeling that his isolation is motivated by the assumption that you’d be hurt if he brought Yunho over the house again.
And sure, he’s not wrong. Still, you don’t like your brother making any sort of assumption about your feelings towards Yunho.
“You wouldn't have to be stuck in the house all day if you would just go hang out with Yunho,” you accuse, turning away from the mirror to look into his actual eyes. “I know you think you’re doing something for me by pretending to not be friends with him, but I keep telling you, it’s fine. I’m fine.”
Kai itches to bring up the tense moment he walked in on the night of the storm which largely contradicts your narrative. But instead, he only shrugs.
“Whatever you say,” he mumbles, quickly moving to change the subject. “Are you going with mom on her trip this weekend?”
You were originally planning to accompany your mother on her trek to a lake town a few miles away, where every year she reunites with her college friends. But now, just thinking about the trip reminds you of the time you spent there with Yunho, when all you want to do is forget.
“No,” you answer promptly, gathering your things as you prepare to leave the bathroom. “But I hope you have fun hanging out with a bunch of middle aged women who won’t let go of their college days.”
Realizing how uncharacteristically harsh you sound but not finding it in yourself to care, you ruffle your brother's hair, muttering a “See you later,” as you head past him and down the stairs.
“See you later,” he mutters back, feeling like he knows the real reason why you don’t want to go on your mom’s trip this year.
“Y/N, you’re not even on the schedule.”
Those are the words you’re greeted with as you clock into work for the 5th time this week. Not a thank you or even a polite hello like you were expecting.
“I know,” you tell Wooyoung, already moving to prepare a waiting customer’s drink, “but there’s always something that needs doing, and I’m already here.”
You wait expectantly for your manager’s silhouette to escape from your view, but to your annoyance, he lingers. “Not today, there’s not. We’re training newbies, and they can’t get trained if you’re doing all the work.”
“Then I’ll do inventory in the back,” you decide, and when you look up to find Wooyoung staring at you impatiently, you falter. “What?”
“You’re here everyday, Y/N. And I can see it’s beginning to wear on you. You’ve been extra cross lately to the point where customers are sensing an attitude.”
You open your mouth to defend yourself, but you’re not able to get anything out. Seeing this, Wooyoung smirks in vindication. “You need to take some time off.”
“But I’m fine,” you tell him, and for a moment it suddenly dawns on you that you’ve been saying that phrase a lot lately. What can’t anyone seem to believe you?
“Like I said, I’ll do inventory, and then I won’t have to interact with custom—”
“Take some time off or I’m firing you.”
It was those words combined with the stern look that Wooyoung gave you that let you know he was being serious. So, not given any choice, you clocked out of work after a whopping 5 minutes logged, heading home to start a prescribed 3 day vacation.
Day one was fine. You completed your daily ritual of laying in bed and watching TV, happy to waste the day away with mind-numbing entertainment. Your mother came in to check on you only to see if you changed your mind about not wanting to go on the trip.
“Are you sure, baby? I know you were sick last year and couldn’t really experience the bulk of the trip,” she cooed over your lazy, bed-ridden body, but you just assured her that you had some TV shows to catch up on and would listen to all of her usual stories when she got back.
On your second day off though, you began to pray for something, anything, to cure the boredom that was making every second feel like molasses. WIth the absence of your brother and mother, the house was quieter than usual, and you were running out of shows to rewatch.
Your saving grace came in the form of your coworker, Mingi, who texted you just as you were about to take what would be an unnecessary nap. Typed with far too many emojis was a question that ultimately boiled down to, “Heard Wooyoung gave you the day off - do you wanna go to a party tonight?”
Without thinking, you replied with an enthusiastic, “yes.” So now, on a Saturday night, you’ve suddenly found yourself standing outside of someone’s respectable-looking house, dressed in something far too skimpy for the night time cold. Luckily, you were standing next to Mingi, whose shorts and tank-top combo made you look like a nun in comparison.
“I’m so happy you came out with me tonight,” Mingi told you, holding a pregame water bottle of tequila in his hand as he led you up the porch of the house.
“You’ve been working at the cafe for a while now and it feels like I barely know you. You only tell us the good things; I need to get you drunk so I can hear your war stories and your scars and soliloquies.”
You rolled your eyes at him, forgetting whatever snarky comment you were going to say back as you walked into the chaos of the party. When you immediately said yes to Mingi’s invite, you forgot one incredibly key detail – you hate parties. You hate the smell of alcohol on other people’s breath, hate the loud music that makes it hard to hear anyone, hate the casual disrespect of having smoke blown into your face everywhere you turn. And yet all of it is here, standing right in front of you as you walk into the practically vibrating foyer of the house.
“Let’s go wherever the drinks are,” you quickly tell Mingi, because if you’re going to be here, you’d at least like to do so in a state that is mildly unconscious of what’s going on around her.
He leads you through the crowd of dancing bodies into a kitchen, where a large storage container is placed on the counter island and relievedly still half-full with something red. Immediately as you go to pour yourself a cup of it, an unrecognizable silhouette comes into your peripheral view.
“Hey gorgeous,” the voice belonging to the silhouette says beside you, his voice sticky and dripping with the kind of liquid schmooze that only several drinks can get you. “All the drinks down here are watered down. Mind if I take you upstairs to get something stronger?”
You fight the urge to outwardly cringe at the stranger’s attempts at getting you by yourself, drunk and vulnerable and forced to listen to his nasally voice all night long. “No thanks,” you reply meekly, taking your drink and heading in the opposite direction.
You quickly go and find Mingi, who was in a different part of the kitchen helping himself to another container of mystery juice. As you wait for him to finish making his drink, you’re suddenly compelled to take a real look at the man in front of you. Mingi is a lot taller than you, and it shows in his lean psychique that expertly fills in the fabric of his clothes. He is decently attractive in a way you haven’t noticed before. At this moment you realize that you really like Mingi. He’s a good guy who's fun to work with and clearly has an interest in you outside of work, because otherwise he wouldn’t have invited you. Why not take this chance to get to know him better?
You wait for him to turn away from the kitchen counter to tug on the side of his shirt, getting his attention. “Do you wanna dance?”
He says something back, but you can’t hear him over the music. You choose to believe it was something affirmative as you drag him onto the dance floor, and it seems like you’re right because he doesn’t do anything to stop you. He takes his place behind you and maintains a light hold on your waist as you move against him. The speakers are blaring and your blood is racing from the initial effects of your first few sips of alcohol. And right now, you’re having a decent time just allowing yourself to dance and not think of anything – or anyone – else at all.
When the song switches to something more mid-tempo, you turn around to face him, draping your hands around his neck. “Thank you for inviting me out tonight.”
“You’re welcome,” he replies languidly. The way he looks at you makes it seem like he’s surprised by your sudden assertiveness but not entirely opposed to it. “I could tell that something’s been weighing on you lately, so I hope I could help you decompress.”
You nod, but don’t say anything else. You don’t want to get into the details of what’s been weighing you down lately, or even process the fact that your melancholy has been so obvious that he’d notice it.
But to your dismay, he continues. “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, Y/N, but I want to help.”
You can hear in Mingi’s voice that he’s being sincere. But he should know that the middle of a dance floor at a party isn’t really the best place to get into feelings. You turn your face in another direction, pretending not to hear him. And as you look over, you notice that the people on your right have suddenly stopped dancing. Over the music, you hear the sounds of several people making annoyed remarks about something that’s happened. Mingi lets go of your waist, his interest suddenly piqued at the scene as well. And when the crowd of people clears, you see someone you both recognize.
Yunho, standing in the middle of the departed group of partygoers.
Yunho looks bitterly at the people surrounding him, his eyes hooded with annoyance. When he sees you among them, his eyes suddenly meet yours in a moment of suspended tension.
Neither of you have the chance to process the presence of another before Yunho doubles over and vomits all over the carpet. Your nose is overwhelmed with the smell of sick. The people around you jump away from him, muttering complaints of, “dude can’t handle his liquor,” and “he’s been acting crazy all night,” as they find another place to continue their celebrations.
It doesn’t take an expert to see that Yunho has clearly had way too much to drink. Even after he’s finished throwing up half of his body weight, he staggers in his attempts to stand up straight and almost trips into his own throw up. He’s spilled something all over his shirt and you can assume from the way the crowd talked about him that he must’ve been picking a drunken fight with someone.
“Hey,” Mingi calls out to you, and at the sound his voice, you look up and notice you’re some of the only people who stuck around to witness Yunho’s drunken staggering. “is that your friend that came to the cafe before?”
“Yeah,” you remark timidly. “It is.”
The loud music from before got turned down sometime during the commotion and you can hear Yunho cursing under his breath as he attempts to get his bearings. Still frozen in bewilderment, you watch as Mingi walks up to Yunho and tries to help him up.
Yunho aggressively jerks away from your coworker’s touch. “Get your fucking hands off of me.”
“Dude, calm down. I’m just trying to help you.”
“Yeah, well I don’t need your help,” Yunho mumbles out, stumbling on his way to the nearest wall that he uses to stable himself. You’re still just watching passively as he embrasses himself, and you’re honestly surprised that Mingi still tries to help him come to his senses.
“Look at yourself,” he remarks, nodding in your direction. “You’re embarrassing yourself in front of your friend.”
Yunho wills himself off the wall to push Mingi away from him. “Is that what she told you? That we’re just friends?”
You’re unsure and uncomfortable with how this interaction suddenly feels like a pissing match with you at the center of it. Feeling the tensions rise between the two men, you force yourself to speak. “Yunho, stop–”
“Look I don’t know what your problem is and I don’t care, I was just trying to help you not pass the fuck out,” Mingi retorts, interrupting you. His body is completely angled to Yunho so that he’s not even paying attention to you anymore, and it makes you even more annoyed.
“I bet you try to help Y/N all the time don’t you?” Yunho spits, sounding bitter and jealous and showing an ugly side of himself that you’ve never bore witness to before. “If you’re the guy she’s trying to replace me with, then that’s really fucking sad.”
Mingi takes a step closer, getting in Yunho’s face. “I don’t fucking know who you are, but if you don’t get the fuck out of face—”
“Mingi, stop.”
You don’t know if it's the meager tone of voice you unconsciously take on or the small tug you give on the hem of his t-shirt, but either way, Mingi stops and turns his attention to you. “You want me to stop?”
You see confusion painted all over his face and you wish you had an explanation for why you don’t just let Mingi tear into your ex whose safety should be of no consequence to you.
“I’m sorry I, but…you shouldn’t be involved in this,” you whimper, wishing you could ignore the pity you feel when you see Yunho’s drunken figure sag against the wall tiredly. “I appreciate your help, but I just need to get him home before he hurts himself.”
Mingi takes hold of your shoulders, stepping in front of you so that Yunho is completely covered from your view. “You don’t need to help this guy Y/N. I know I don’t know what the full story is here, but I can tell since I first met the guy that he’s an asshole. I invited you here to have fun, you don’t have to leave because of him.”
You look down at your feet, feeling shameful under your friend’s concerned and loving gaze. “I know.”
“And besides,” Mingi says, taking a quick glance at the now sunken man behind him. “How do you plan to get a drunk, 6 foot guy out of a crowded party?”
As Yunho staggers to the floor behind Mingi, you see his car keys dangling out of his jean pocket. Almost regretfully, you move away from Mingi’s hold and reach down to swipe the keys from Yunho.
“Like this,” you turn around to tell him, draping Yunho’s heavy arm over your shoulder. “I can’t just leave him here like this. I’m sorry, Mingi.”
You try not to even look at Mingi’s face as you walk past him, half-walking and half-dragging Yunho’s limp body as you manage to get out of the living room and into the foyer. The crowd of people dancing by the front door practically clear a way for you to exit, perhaps gleeful to see him go after the trouble he’s caused.
Yunho, though only half-lucid of what’s going on around him, would be lying if he said he didn’t feel incredibly happy to even be interacting with you right now. But as the cold, nighttime air hits his skin and you prop him up on the passenger side of his car, the embarrassment of being seen like this begins to sink in.
“How did you even plan on getting home? Were you going to drive drunk?”
He shrugs, and you shudder to think that he intended to put himself in danger like this. In a dark part of your brain, you can almost imagine him swerving on a highway, disoriented and calling you on the phone in the hopes that you’d come and save him. The thought angers you.
“You didn’t have to do this for me, you know,” he tells you once you’ve managed to get him into the car, his words sleepy and slurred. You gave up on trying to put a seatbelt over him, so you settled for just allowing him to lean tiredly against the dashboard.
“Of course I know that,” you bitterly retort, your grip on the steering wheel growing tight as you become annoyed at his attempts to sweet-talk you. You didn’t do this because you had any positive feelings left for him. You did it because you know that if you were drunk and disoriented at a party, you’d want something to do the same for you. “Don’t mistake my kindness for forgiveness.”
“I’m not,” he slurs out. “But even your kindness is a surprise to me at this point.”
You fight to keep your eyes trained on the road and not rolled to the top of your head in annoyance. You hate when Yunho makes comments like that because it feels like there’s an expectation in them. An expectation for you to pity him or be somehow satisfied that he recognizes he’s an asshole. His own recognition of his faults is useless to you – he’s done enough for you to see that on your own.
“W-Where are you taking me?”
For the majority of the drive, Yunho had remained quiet, his head buried in his arms as he napped against the dashboard. Now, he suddenly sits up and seems alert of his surroundings.
“Where else?” you ask, and when Yunho bemusedly doesn’t respond, you decide not to be needlessly withholding. “I’m taking you to your house.”
You make a turn on the street right before Yunho’s. To your surprise, he rests his hand over yours on the steering wheel. “Wait, don’t.”
You jerk away from his touch, but nonetheless slow down so that you’re parked by the sidewalk just before his driveway. “Why not?”
“I…” he takes a long pause, and with each second you grow impatient and begin to wonder if he’s purposely drawing this out so that he can stay with you longer. “I can’t go home. If my grandparents see me, they’ll..they’ve never seen me like this before. They can’t see me like this.”
It seems unexpected for Yunho to be hiding something from his grandparents. After all, you’ve always known him as the reliable, stand-up grandson that no one in your neighborhood had anything bad to say about, the boy who could always be seen making sure his elderly caretakers were okay. But something in Yunho’s voice tells you that he’s being genuine. You think of his grandparents and how they might really not know the type of worrying things their grandson gets up to you when he’s not around. And at the realization that you must now find another place for Yunho to sleep off his drunken stupor, you bang your head against the steering wheel in annoyance.
“Isn’t it exhausting?” you let out in a frustrated yell, suddenly wishing you had never burderned yourself with getting him out of the party in the first place. “Having to pretend to be a good person and keep up this fake persona all of the time knowing it’s not who you are?”
Yunho doesn’t respond. As he remains silent, you sigh and weigh your options. You could leave and let him sleep in his car. Sure, it would be a tight fit, but Yunho’s comfort is ultimately meaningless given that he’s made the choice not to go home on his own.
But then you look at him, and something in your heart tugs. For some reason, your brain goes back to the place it was when you first got to his car and realized he went to the party with no plan of how to get back home. Images of a drunk Yunho driving his car come back to you and suddenly you’re worried for his safety, afraid to leave him alone to his own evidently destructive volition.
“You can sleep in my room. But you’re gone first thing in the morning.”
He looks grateful, but is smart not to push it by being excessively complimentary. “Your room? Are you sure?”
“Don’t get any ideas,” you assert quickly, knowing the places his mind could be going at the thought on being in the same bed as you. The only reason why he’s not sleeping in another room – like your mom’s or Kai’s – is because Kai has the odd and frankly questionable habit of locking his room when he’s away. And your mother, ever observant, would notice if something was even slightly out of place in her room. The last thing you need is for her to question you about who's been in the house in her absence.
“You’re sleeping on the floor. I have some extra blankets on pillows you can use.”
You can see on his face that he fights the urge to laugh. “Thank you.”
You turn away from him, willing yourself to keep a stony exterior as you mumble, “Don’t mention it.”
You park the car in your own driveway and head in towards your house. The drive must have sobered him up, because Yunho no longer has to lean on you to stand up straight. Or maybe he was fine this whole time, but before used his drunkenness as an excuse to be in close contact with you, and now knows not to push it. Gosh, are you making a mistake by letting him into your space voluntarily? Lord knows that the last time he was in your house, he managed to make you feel confused and upset for weeks. Whatever the case may be, you’ve made it to your front porch now. Too late to turn back. And besides, whether you hate him or not, you can’t justify leaving a 6 foot drunk man out on the street in the middle of the night. He already proved he’d be willing to endanger himself and others by driving home drunk. You don’t know what he’d do if he was left alone.
You let Yunho lead the way to your upstairs bedroom, which he finds with no issue. As you move to tidy up the space, he stands anxiously in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do with himself.
As he waits for you to go fetch some spare pillows and blankets, he looks around the room that used to be so familiar to him. You’ve changed quite a few things in his absence. Some of it he thinks is just a result of going to college and taking most of your decorations to your dorm with you. But he also notices the absence of your family photos, all of the personal things that let him know early on how sentimental you were. It makes him sad, but then he notices that you still have the four leaf clover he gifted you last summer sitting in a plate amongst some jewelry. It’s placed at the very back of your desk, where you’d be least likely to notice it if you were sitting there.
You come back to the room a few moments later with an assortment of blankets in your arms, which you lay out on the floor for him to sort through himself later. You’re about to move away from him, but then you notice he’s still wearing his outside clothes. Almost out of habit, you go to remove them before you even know what or why you’re doing it.
You take off his hat, his jacket, his jewelry, all of the things he usually wouldn't sleep in. He doesn’t ask you what you’re doing, knowing he’s already put you through enough trouble at this point. He knows you like to be useful, so he lets you.
After you’ve finished folding up his things and placing them neatly on your dresser, you awkwardly instruct him on where he can find a spare toothbrush should he feel like wiping the vomit off his breath. “I can show you the guest bathroom if you need to freshen up,” you tell him, standing by the door. “Well, I guess you’ve been here enough to find it yourself.”
He can feel the tension vibrating off of your body, but rather than remarking on it, he nods. “Thanks, Y/N.”
You nod in response, repressing the need to say more, to address any of the tension that you can feel. You can’t stand to be in his gaze any longer, so you gather up some clothes, heading out to take a shower.
When you return, Yunho is lying down, but he’s awake. You can see his face lit up by the screen of his phone. You don’t address him in any way as you step over his long legs to get into your bed. Moving under the covers, you’re not surprised at the fact that you’re not really tired. Even though it’s been a long night, your mind is racing with thoughts on everything that’s transpired. It’s also hard to relax, to feel safe with another presence – Yunho’s presence, especially – just a few feet away from you.
You can hear the sounds of Yunho turning and moving, so you know he’s fighting sleep, too. The petty part of you starts to think that he’s in some kind of silent competition with you, as to who will go to sleep first. But even in your head, the notion sounds absurd, like something that’s been made up. Just as you feared; with time, the grudges have become harder and harder to hold.
“Y/N, are you awake?”
Yunho’s gravelly, half-sleep voice resonates from the foot of your bed. You almost think to ignore him and pretend to be sleeping. But yet, you’re surprised at the sound of your own voice as you mutter a quiet, “Yes.”
At first, he doesn’t say anything in reply, and you begin to wonder why he said anything in the first place. But then, “Did you get my letters?”
You question his intentions with this remark but nonetheless see no reason to withhold the truth. “Yes.”
“Did you read them?”
That’s a question you feel less compelled to answer. If he knew you read the letters, then he’d also know that some part of you had a desire to hear him out. A part of you that still has wonders and questions and thoughts about the end of your relationship, far beyond the indifferent and cold version of yourself you’ve been trying to present.
When you don’t answer, you expect him to elaborate on their contents anyway. It would be a waste of his time – you already read each of every letter over and under, know everything there is to know about the year he spent groveling for your forgiveness.
But to your surprise, his next words go in a different direction. “There is a part of me that genuinely cares for you and wants to love you like you deserve to be.”
You await his next words on baited breath. Because if his desire to love you were all that it was, then you wouldn't be in this position in the first place.
“But there is another part of me that’s broken,” he continues. “And I don’t think that part will let me be with someone without hurting them.”
There’s a slight slur in his voice, a symptom of his lowering inebriation, but his tone is blank and his words are unbroken, which makes you assume sincerity. You’re certain that he’s telling you something he wouldn’t if he were sober. And the reminder that he’s not fully lucid has you more willing than usual to respond to him, hoping he might forget this in the morning.
“Then why are you still pursuing me?” you ask, hearing your voice come out dewy and vulnerable in a way that you resent but can’t help in this moment. “Why are you trying to get me to forgive you when you admit that you don’t have the capability to be with someone? Don’t you see how cruel that is?”
There is a long pause, and now you start to feel stupid for responding genuinely to someone who clearly wasn’t being serious or coherent in his initial words to you.
But then he speaks, and what comes out affects your heart in a way you weren’t expecting.
“Because the only time I feel like I’m not broken is when I’m with you. When I’m with you, I suddenly can imagine living up to being the good person everyone around me wants me to be.”
You hear him move, and without seeing him, you imagine that he’s turned so that he’s facing you. “Being with you taught me how to love. And I guess, perhaps selfishly, I haven’t quite figured out how to let that go.”
You don’t say anything else. And you think that perhaps Yunho needed to get that out, because only a few minutes later, you hear the soft snores that tell you he’s fallen asleep.
You're woken up the next morning by the sound of sheets rustling below you, and in your half-alertness, you initially panic. But then the memories from the night before come flooding back to you, and when you blink your eyes open, you’re not surprised to see Yunho up and folding up his comforter at the foot of your bed.
Your room has gotten suddenly hotter in the time between last night and this morning. You kick your own itchy comforter off of your body, alerting Yunho to your wake.
“Good morning,” he says to you, his voice scratchy and hoarse. You get the feeling that he didn’t sleep too well last night. Neither did you.
You mutter out a similar greeting, sitting up in your bed and stretching your tired limbs. In the corner of your eye, you can see Yunho taking a pause from what he was doing, waiting as if to see if you're going to say anything else to him. Perhaps address anything that went on last night. But you don’t, so he continues gathering up his pillows from the floor.
The silence between the two of you is heavy, awkward. Before last night, you weren’t in communication with Yunho. But last night changed things in a way that’s hard to articulate. He said things to you that still linger in your mind`and it doesn’t feel right to just dismiss him from your house and go back to ignoring him as if nothing has happened. But what do you say, what do you do to articulate your complex feelings?
“I need your help.”
“I was gonna go–”
You and Yunho both speak up at the exact same moment, meeting each other's gaze in a surprised stare. WIthout hearing the rest of his sentence, you assume he was about to announce that he was leaving. But for the first time in months, you don’t actually want that.
“I’m sure you can probably feel it. How hot it is in here, I mean,” you state blankly, picking at a loose thread on your shorts as to avoid his gaze. “I think the AC’s broken. It’s gone out a couple of times this summer. You’re the only person I know who can fix these kind of things so…”
You pause, biting back the end of your sentence because of how it would mean you’d be asking Yunho for something. And it’s quite possibly the worst feeling ever, to be so mad at someone and still need them. Yet, that might be the most accurate way to explain how you’ve been feeling in these past few months.
Luckily for you, Yunho has always been good at reading you, knowing when to step up as you require it. “What do you need?” he asks, without any pretense or flattery. Just seeing that he’s needed and jumping in to help. Like he always has when it comes to everyone, but especially when it comes to you.
“If you could just stay for a little bit longer and fix it, I’d appreciate it,” you tell him meekly, only briefly able to hold his gaze before dropping your focus to your feet. Looking at Yunho directly just feels too intense, brings up too many emotions in your chest that you’re not ready to feel anytime soon.
You hear the soft plop of him laying his folded blankets and pillows down on your dresser, and then he’s at your door, waiting for you to follow him out. “Yeah sure,” he says softly. “It’s no problem.”
You follow Yunho downstairs to your kitchen, where a shoddy closet you never open holds the control system to your air conditioning. You point him to a box of tools your mother keeps in her kitchen cabinet, a location you’re only privy to because you once had to fix the hinge of your bedroom window after Yunho broke it by climbing through it.
Yunho gets to work immediately, and you watch his whole demeanor change as he absorbs himself in the task at hand. He becomes incredibly slack-jawed and focused as he searches for the problem in what, to you, looks like a maze of wires and screws. You can’t help him, so you’re not really sure what to do with yourself. You ultimately resign to pulling up a stool from your kitchen, sitting down and thinking of what you’re really doing by letting him stay here for this long.
Your thoughts can’t help but linger on the conversation you had with Yunho last night. He didn’t say anything to you that he hasn’t said before, or hadn’t harped on in his letters. But what made last night different is that you realized he hadn’t just been fooling you. His grandparents, the people he loved the most, were also being kept in the dark and seeing a false version of who their loved-one really was. You could tell this just by seeing the fear in his voice when he thought they might see him drunk and vulnerable.
Hiding from the people that love you is more than just something you do on a careless whim. It’s something you do when something deeper is troubling you. And as much as you hate that you do, the curiosity to know more has been gnawing at you and you can’t help but be sympathetic.
“I think I’ve found the problem,” he mutters out to you, whipping a washcloth you gave him over his shoulder. “It shouldn’t take me any longer than 30 minutes to fix.”
You nod, humming absentmindedly so he knows you’ve heard him. But in the back of your mind you’re fighting the parts of you that want nothing to do with him and the part that is dying to know why Yunho has been hiding the way he has.
And when the part of you that is dying to know more just doesn’t let up, you let out a sigh before turning in your stool to better face Yunho.
“You are a golden child. You are the sweet, kind-hearted young man that takes care of his elderly grandparents and fixes air conditioning systems and cuts grass for the people too old to do it themselves.”
It’s hard not to drop everything he’s doing at the sound of your voice in his ear. It’s been close to forever since you’ve spoken to him directly without his initiative. But rather than become emotional and scare you into silence, he continues what he’s doing and waits patiently for you to finish your thought. Because he knows that something crazy would have to happen for you to say something positive about him without following it up with something hurtful. Not after everything he’s put you through.
“But then you’ve proven to me that you can lie to me, lie to the people you claim to love the most,” you say aloud, not even looking at Yunho, almost not even speaking to him, feeling more so like the thoughts you’ve been suppressing for months are spilling out of you without any subject in mind.
“That you can get so drunk that you’d black out. That you can have a girlfriend while claiming to be falling in love with me. That you can live this double life.”
By the time you’ve finished your sentence, Yunho has turned to face you, abandoning the AC entirely. And he almost wishes he didn’t, because it stings – hearing and seeing the hurt in your voice and face.
“I just can’t process it or understand it. And I think that’s why I’m having so much trouble getting over you. Because I’m still mourning the version of you that’s good and kind while trying to accept the version of you that isn’t.”
It’s hard for Yunho to know what to say once you’ve laid everything out to him. A reality that he’s never wanted is staring him in the face – you’ve seen both sides of him, and been hurt by the side he never wanted you to know about. He’s no longer in a position where he has the luxury to choose between withholding and vulnerability. He decides to be something he should have always been with you — honest.
“That version of me that you see, the good person – I’m not some psychopathic, double agent. It’s not as if I turn the good side of me on and off like a light switch. What you saw from me last summer was very, very real.”
He leans up against the door of your kitchen closet, his head tilted in contemplation. “It’s just that…sometimes I feel…suffocated…by all of the expectations that are put on me.”
You’re surprised that those were the words to come out of Yunho’s mouth. He never hinted at any of these struggles during your relationship. You hold onto his every word in search of something you can hold close to your heart, something that you can know for sure is real.
“People don’t really seem to understand the burden that comes with having to take care of your elderly grandparents, knowing that you don’t have anyone else to rely on for help,” he confesses, his eyes growing glassy and unfocused. “Having to watch them lose their basic facilities in subtle ways…forget their things…get stuck on a simple word…not seem to remember things that happened recently…”
He trails off, but is brought back to life when he meets your gaze. Sees that you’re still listening and haven’t dismissed him yet.
“And then, I decided I wanted to get my degree on top of that,” he chuckles humorlessly, running a hand through his messy hair. “So I have to juggle my academic responsibilities – basically paying my way through school – on top of being what my grandparents need me to be, plus what all my friends and family expect me to be.”
You listen to Yunho talk silently and as you wait on baited breath for him to slip up and say something disingenuous, all you hear instead is the true words of someone who you’re saddened to hear has been suffering in silence.
He stutters out the beginning of his next words, getting lost in the tangle of his own thoughts. “The only time I’m not worried about what other people need me to be is when I’m miles away, at school. When I’m there, I’m wanted in a different way. People are attracted to me not because of what I can do for them, but for what they wish to do to me.”
It becomes clear to you what he’s referring to, and you can feel your body growing tense, almost as if you’re internally bracing yourself for what you’re expecting to hear next.
“And for a long time, I’ve been embracing that attention. I would date a girl and treat her as the loving, doting boyfriend. But whenever it became clear that she expected commitment in return, I backed away and started dating someone else. I didn’t want to have one more person who needed me. And I did it without fully severing the connection so that I could still benefit from the attention, sometimes the craziness.”
He looks away from you, and at first you’re inclined to believe he’s embarrassed. After all, this is the first time he’s alluded to his debauchery in any way to you. But then, you see something in his eyes go dark, and he almost whispers out his next words, as if they’re hard to say out loud.
“There is a part of me that, deep down, likes seeing how much I can hurt someone, and watch them crawl back to me. I don’t know how else to explain it besides using the word powerful.”
Despite the dark look in his eyes, it doesn’t look as if Yunho takes in any pleasure in saying these words. He just looks grim, like this is a reality that he’s accepted but is still embarrassed to embrace.
“And so,” he continues, taking in a long, deep breath, “When I’m at school, I get into some…wild things. And it’s fun. It’s nice not having to take on the burden of other people’s feelings. I get to be selfish and only care about my own.”
It’s hard not to feel angry now, even with the sympathy that you feel for him. How could you not, when he’s just openly admitted how much fun he has hurting people and how boring it is to be faithful to someone?
“So that’s it, then?” you ask, not able to hold back the bitterness behind your words. “Being with me, being a good person…it all felt like a burden to you?”
“No, not with you,” he asserts, and not in the usual gooey, flattery way that he would say just to get you to calm down or just to get you to give him. He says it blankly, like it’s just an irrefutable fact of life.
“Being with you was the first time in my life where I felt like I could breathe. Like I could be this person everyone wanted me to be because I had you motivating me to be that person. From the first moment I saw you that summer, I was drawn to you,” he explains, words tumbling over each other like the feelings are catapulting their way out of his throat.
“I could be myself around you. I felt safe telling you all of my insecurities. Still do, as you can see,” he says, with a slight chuckle, and you feel your own lips twitch with the urge to smile. “Maybe it’s because I’ve known you all of my life, even if we weren’t as close as we got last summer. You’ve been a part of my memories since before I could form words.”
His words seem to resurrect some of the butterflies in your stomach that you thought were long dead for Yunho. But just as he manages to surprise you with his softness, his expression once again goes grim as he relays his next words. “But the problem was that I didn’t think to resolve some of the problems I created back at school before I entered into a relationship with you.”
Yunho takes what feels like a final, affirmative pause, and you take the time to pour over all of this information in your mind. So far, your heart has you inclined to believe everything he’s saying. But your brain, ever naggy, aches with the idea that he could be saying all of this just to get back into your pants. And for why, you’re not exactly sure; from what he’s told you, it doesn't sound like he has any trouble getting romantic attention in his daily life. So what would you possibly mean to him when you’re just one out of a potential pool of girls?
It’s at that realization that someone in you shifts. Because for someone who supposedly has no issues getting girls to fall in love with him, somehow, Yunho is still here, fighting to be with you. As much as you don’t want it to, that means something.
“God, Yunho,” you sigh, holding your conflicted head in your hands. “You don’t know how hard it is to hear all of this and not be able to tell if it’s genuine or not.”
“I don’t blame you,” he says, “and I would completely understand if you never believed another word out of my mouth after what I’ve done.”
You look up at him, and when you do, he’s staring down at you intently. “But I’m willing to do anything if it means it’ll show you that I was being real with you when I told you I was falling in love with you.”
The flutter in your heart at his words is automatic. And for the first time in a long time, you don’t resist the feeling. But before you can fully embrace it, there are still things you need to know that have been gnawing at you for nearly a year.
“The girl that Kai showed me,” you begin, looking down at your folded hands. “Have you…talked to her at all since you broke up?”
You feel stupid for even asking such a question, but you know deep down that you need to know the answer for your own peace of mind.
“No,” he answers quickly. “And I’m not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, but…the girl that Kai showed you was one of many. I didn’t really view her as my girlfriend, though I understand why Kai may have. I’ve been told that I have the ability to treat people in a way that allows them to pretty credibly claim that I’m their boyfriend.”
Even after everything that Yunho’s told you, it’s still no less shocking to you to hear the abhorrent actions of the boy who you once thought could be the most kind and caring person ever.
And he seems to sense this on your face because he’s quickly following up with assurances. ”But I’m telling you the God honest truth when I say that I wasn’t in contact with any of them when we were together last summer. I never cheated on you, Y/N. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else when I was with you.”
“Then why did you never commit to me?” you hear yourself say, your heart speaking before your brain can catch up. “Why did you never ask me to be your girlfriend?”
He sighs, as if even he’s exhausted from hearing his own explanations and excuses. “I never asked you to be my girlfriend because you are the first person I’ve been with who I didn’t want to fuck things up with. I wanted to take things slow.”
It’s clear to you that from Yunho’s perspective, you were the most important person to him among the roster of women he was once dealing with. And as a result, he felt like he needed to treat you more delicately in order to protect that. But you can’t help but view his actions in a more sinister way, like all of the other girls he dealt in college with were more mature than you, and thus couldn’t be fooled by him as easily. Upon seeing you in all your naive, innocent glory, he treated you delicately not out of respect, but in a smart tactic of manipulating you in a way he couldn’t get away with with his other lovers.
All your life you’ve fought the feeling that you’re just the dumb, annoying little sister, constantly bogging down those among you who are older and more knowledgeable than you are. And to think that Yunho views you in that same manner makes you feel resentful in a way you can’t help.
“So how do I know that you weren’t just planning to go back to school and continue fucking other girls had Kai not told me you had a girlfriend?”
You weren’t intending for your words to come out so blunt but you’ve long lost the part of you who cares about what could upset Yunho or not.
“I honestly can’t say that I wouldn’t have,” he answers, and it’s the sort of shocking honesty that you suppose you should come to expect from him from now on. “At the end of the summer, I was committed to going back to school and remaining loyal to you. Finally being the boyfriend I wanted to be but wasn’t capable of being before you. But when I was away from you, and then I found out you knew about what I had done, it was to tempting to just..say fuck it. It seemed like you weren’t going to forgive me anyway, so I might as well have done what I wanted.
“But there was a situation where a girl was coming onto me. It was a position I had been in many times, and any other time, I would have pursued it. But I looked around me and just realized the desire to be with anyone else was just…gone. Not having any access to you made me realize how much I can’t be without you. It was such a wake up call that I haven’t been with or wanted to be with anyone else since.”
Yunho steps out of the closet and comes closer to you. Before he has time to consider his actions, he gets down on one knee, so that you’re level with him. Previously, you would have flinched away from his closeness. Now, you remain passive as he takes your hands in his, meet his gaze when he stares intensely and passionately into your eyes.
“Y/N, I am fighting to be the man you need me to be,” he proclaims, fire and conviction behind his brown eyes. “I’m willing to do anything if it means you’ll forgive me.”
He squeezes your hands just slightly, and although you’ve faithfully allowed him to say his piece so far, you can’t put any real stock into anything he’s saying without any proof to show that this is really who he is. You can’t say that you’ll forgive or that your wounds have healed when you have no tangible evidence that he wouldn’t hurt you again.
“You can start fighting for me by being the good person that you claim I motivate you to be,” you tell him, not meaning to come off cold but not wanting to mince words. “I need to see, through your actions and not your words, that you’re a different person than the guy who would recklessly date a bunch of girls and then go start a summer romance with his best friend’s sister.”
Yunho nods, his chin grazing your lap, his closeness after all this time comforting but still hard to relax in when you've spent so much time thinking you’d never want him to get this close again.
It’s hard to know what exactly you need to see to forgive Yunho. After all, anything you’ve seen from him from the past month, you’ve questioned. It’s hard to build back trust when it’s been so thoroughly broken.
“You need to tell all of the girls who you’ve possibly tricked into thinking they were your girlfriend that that’s not the case,” you decide. Because you don’t want any other girls out there to feel how you felt. To feel like you were in love with someone and then feel like that wasn’t the case. And you make sure to add, “Only if that’s how you actually feel.”
“It is.”
“I don’t care if it’s a call, text, or whatever,” you continue, despite the fact that he’s already relented. “They just need that closure. I need it.”
Once you’re done, Yunho stares hopefully into your eyes. “Once I’ve done that,” he says, a romantic softness in his voice. “What does it mean for us?”
You can’t help but smile at his softness, but get up from your seat on the stool and let your hands slip from his grasp. You need him to know that this is only a start, that just because you now understand his actions doesn’t mean that you’re ready to pick up where things left off.
“It means I can start to trust that you’re telling the truth when you say you want to fight for me.”
You can tell that he’s disappointed when you move away from him, but he nonetheless nods in understanding in a way that you can accept. “Done,” he mumbles in finality.
When it seems like neither of you have anything else you want to say, Yunho goes back to toying with the air conditioning system. You slip into a relaxing silence, though it’s interrupted only a few moments later when Yunho turns to you questioningly.
“It’s gotten really hot in here,” he informs you neutrally yet cautiously. “Do you mind if I…take off my shirt?”
It’s so hard to suppress the roll of your eyes at such a request, which feels entirely too convenient and shameless given that you’ve only just gotten to the point where you’re on speaking terms with him. Nonetheless, you hum in agreement.
You manage to keep your eyes away from Yunho as he pulls off his sweaty shirt, but only for a few seconds. You can’t help yourself – just because you’ve been mad at him doesn’t mean you can fight your attraction to him.
Your mind wanders over memories you’ve been working hard to forget over this past year. As your eyes trace the lines of Yunho’s abs, muscles, and even down to his hands, you fight back a shiver as the feelings of being touched by him come flooding back like a tidal wave.
“Yunho.”
Yunho stops what he’s doing and turns around to face you, staring at you inquisitively. “Yeah?”
You called out his name without knowing exactly what you were going to say, and now you just stare at him, frozen with desires you don’t know how to articulate. But even without saying anything, it’s as if Yunho already knows what’s going through your mind – his eyes go dark, his tongue juts over his lips, and it seems as if he’s leaning closer to you.
But before either of you can do anything, you’re interrupted by a knock on the door. The sound of it jolts you out of whatever trance you were in.
“I’ll get it,” you announce, pushing whatever just happened out of your mind as you go to open the front door.
Greeting you as you move to open the door are your mother and brother, Kai. You were expecting them to come back from their trip today, but not this early. Nevertheless, you’re relieved to not be alone as you let them into the house.
“Hey, Y/N!” your mother chirps happily, dragging her suitcases into the foyer. Her eyes then go wide with surprise when she looks over your shoulder and sees someone else. “I thought that was your car in my driveway! Yunho, what are you doing here?”
Kai lags into the house behind your mother, and you can see his eyes moving between you and a shirtless Yunho with a look of curiosity behind them. You’re sure he could be assuming all types of things right now, and the thought repulses you. You decide to speak up first before his mind can go anywhere dangerous.
“I just asked him to fix the AC,” you tell them both casually. “It broke again.”
“Yeah, there was an issue with the generator. It shouldn’t break again if I did everything right,” Yunho informs your mother, smiling genially at her in a way you haven’t seen in a while.
With your focus on Kai, you hadn’t stopped to think of what your mother would think of walking in on you alone with Yunho, dressed in barely anything. But you’re honestly beginning to think that your mother is incapable of saying anything less than glowing about Yunho. You watch as her eyes light up in gratitude over something Kai has been doing all summer. “Oh, thank you Yunho! That thing’s been really causing me problems.”
“No problem, Mrs. ____,” Yunho replies humbly. He looks nervously between the three of you before clearly his throat assertively. “Well, I guess I’ll be leaving then.”
He pats Kai on the back as he heads towards your door. “Bye, ya’ll,” he says to your family, and as he’s passing you, he mumbles a more personal, “Bye, Y/N,” that you shyly reciprocate. You can hear your mom saying something along the lines of, “Well, that’s new,” as she observes the way Yunho reserves a special goodbye for you, but you don’t respond. You head upstairs to your bedroom, where you heavily contemplate all the things that have transpired today and fight back yet another moral conflict over what your heart wants versus what your brain is telling you.
After a week or so of allowing Yunho back into your life but remaining hesitant to fully resume your relationship, you took your first big step towards forgiveness by allowing him to take you out on a date.
Yunho arrived at the cafe on a weekday afternoon to pick you up. His arrival was immediately noticed by Mingi, who you had been confiding in, though only tepidly. It was clear that he was still not over the two run-ins he’d had with Yunho, but especially the one on the night of the party. He made it clear to you that he disapproved of your continued association with Yunho.
“I just don’t understand why you’re still dealing with this guy,” he had told you angrily, pulling you into the stockroom as soon as he noticed Yunho entering the cafe. He thought he was protecting you by helping you avoid an interaction with someone he had judged as toxic. But he was shocked when you informed him that the man who he’s seen you have nothing but negative interactions with was here to pick you up.
“I appreciate it, Mingi. But seriously, I’m fine,” you assured him, smiling and hoping he understood how thankful you were for his concern but also how little you desired it. “Our story is…it’s complicated. And again, I’m sorry you even got involved in the first place.”
If Mingi was at all convinced by your assurances, he did a poor job of showing it. Still, he followed you out of the storeroom and watched you leave with Yunho, a vexed but nonetheless relenting frown on his face.
“I’m sorry I didn’t change. I feel a little underdressed.” you told Yunho shyly as you took your spot in the front seat of his car, fastening your seatbelt over your wrinkled apron.
“You look beautiful,” he complimented in response. Though you were sure he was just saying so to be nice, you still met his gaze with a flattered grin. For a second, he seemed to stare at you for longer than normal, looking like he wanted to say something, but ultimately held himself back and shifted his focus to the road.
“Where are we going?” you had asked as you watched the familiar scenery of your neighborhood become unrecognizable the longer you drove.
Turning a corner, Yunho shifted to driving with one hand in a move that never failed to make your stomach swoop. “In the spirit of getting a second chance, I figured I’d do a re-do on our first date,” he explained, “Not that anything was wrong the first time, but we never got the chance to ride the ferris wheel.”
You chuckle softly under your breath, remembering that day and your fear of roller coasters. “You must not remember how scared I was of riding it.”
“We’ll see,” he said ominously, and that was all you talked about until you arrived.
The boardwalk looked the same as you remembered it. You were now in the tailend of the summer, so it seemed like it was more packed than usual, filled with little kids probably trying to get their last bit of fun in before the school year started.
Unexpected, however, was the feeling that came over you. It was a mixture of nostalgia and sadness. The memories of Yunho taking you here last summer flooded back to you, but they only served as a reminder of how much had changed since then. You waited expectantly for your stomach to spur with the same butterflies you had the first time you came here. But to your dismay, they didn’t come, and suddenly a place you had held close to your heart now looked gray and somber.
As you begin to feel just a bit overwhelmed, you’re relieved when Yunho takes the lead. “Wanna start with Whack-A-Mole?”
You follow him, and together you begin the same sort of routine you had on your first ever date – going up the boardwalk and playing every single game it has to offer. It seemed as if both of you were having some bad luck – neither of you managed to win anything, something you joke about as you sit down to grab some food in the aftermath.
“I can’t believe I just let a bunch of 13 year olds beat me,” Yunho lamented, pouting childishly as he picked at the funnel cake you were sharing between you.
You assured him with a gentle pat on the arm. “It’s okay. It would probably look worse if the only two adults here were pummeling little kids.”
Yunho chuckled, bowing his head in assent. Things went quiet for a moment before he cautiously asked, “Can I ask you how your school year was?”
It’s hard to know what to say. The first half of your freshman year was defined by throwing yourself into every activity there was to forget about the hurt you were feeling. The second half was when you had become hardened by all of that pretending and began to isolate yourself, becoming the cold, avoidant person you came into the summer as. All in all, it wasn’t exactly a stress-free or easeful year.
“I liked the school a lot. I’m confident I made the right choice,” you tell him in an attempt to say at least one positive thing about your experience. “But in all honesty, I had a pretty shitty time. I’m honestly surprised I passed all my classes.”
You don’t have to say it for Yunho to know that he likely played a huge role in your negative experience. And without knowing what to say, not wanting to bog down the mood with more apologies, he simply hummed in understanding. “I suppose my year was similar. Did you know I drove up to your campus once?”
You raised a surprised eyebrow. “Really? When was this?”
“Sometime around Valentine’s Day,” he explains, looking down shyly at his food. “I don’t know what I was doing. I knew that even if I could find you, you probably wouldn’t react positively.”
“You were right,” you interrupt his story to confirm, and he chuckles awkwardly.
“Anyways, I ended up just sleeping in my car and leaving the next morning.”
It goes silent for a second, and you decide to reveal something you always thought you’d be too embarrassed to ever say out loud, especially to him. “I almost slipped up and called you once.”
He looks up at you, his expression neutral but sounding very surprised when he says, “Really?”
“I had gotten drunk,” you tell him, laughing a little as you recall the moment, “And I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to say to you. I think a part of me just wanted to hear your voice.”
Yunho smiles, but you see something wistful and sad behind his eyes.
“But funny enough, Kai texted me about coming home for break, and it seemed to get me back into my senses.”
“Why?”
“Because I realized how this would be the third holiday where I’d be staying at my dorm instead of going home,” you begin without thinking, biting your lip as you realize what you’re about to reveal, “And was reminded of why I didn’t want to go home.”
Yunho looks sad, but he doesn’t say anything in reply, and you’re glad. You didn’t mean to bring down the mood or make it hard to continue the conversation, but it’s clear that there’s nothing he could really say in response to something like that.
You finish your funnel cake a few moments later, and then go to take the same walk along the beach as you did a year ago. Except now, the sky is remarkably clear and the two of you stand platonically apart as opposed to holding hands.
Tilting your head up, you notice the looming ferris wheel in the sky and wonder again if Yunho was serious in his plans of getting you to ride it. When you ask him about it, he lets out a dry chuckle.
“Of course I am,” he asserts cooly, almost tempted to add in a, “I never break my promises, do I?” but knowing it wouldn’t be true at this point.
Bringing your walk to a sudden stop, you look up at him, your vexed expression shooting daggers into him. “But I got us tickets for the private carriage,” he quickly adds when you look just about tempted to punch him in the face, “so you don’t have to be looking down at the ground the whole time. It just feels incomplete to get on every ride except one.”
Though you rolled your eyes at him, you cast aside your annoyance and resumed your leisurely stroll along the shoreline. Truthfully, you weren’t as opposed to the idea of riding the roller coaster as you were before. You were pleased that he had made the extra effort to make the ride a little less scary for you. This would only be the second time he had helped coax you through a fear, starting with the time he led you through a waterfall to get to a cave where you had one of the best conversations of your relationship. Plus, maybe this was what you needed. To create new memories instead of being reminded of the past ones.
“Hey,” Yunho murmured suddenly, taking your attention away from the crashing waves of the ocean. “I hope you’re having a good time tonight. I know a lot has changed since the last time we went out like this.”
You look up at him, surprised to hear him acknowledge a feeling you’ve been trying to conceal all night. You sigh tiredly, staring off into the beach as you try to find the words to describe what’s bothering you.
“Of course, Yunho. This was nice,” you tell him honestly. “It’s just…harder than I thought to revisit all of these places when I’ve been trying so hard to forget about them.”
Eyes trained on the sand below you, you don’t see Yunho’s expression, but you can feel the heat of his eyes burning into the side of your face. “Do you want me to take you home?
You take a second to consider the offer sincerely. But ultimately, you decide to stay. It was you who told Yunho that what you needed to see from him was a fight. And with this date today, you can see that he’s putting in the effort to show you how much you mean to him. No matter how uneasy you might feel, you want to give that a chance.
“No,” you reply earnestly, deciding to link your arm through his in your first show of closeness in what feels like so long. His shoulder softens under the weight of your head. “Let’s finish this and go on that stupid ferris wheel.”
You watch as Yunho scans your face, looking for any apprehension in your expression. When he isn’t able to discern any, the corner of his lips twitch to form a grin, and he leads you up the beach towards the boardwalk.
As you walk, you pass by the photobooth where you shared your first kiss. In a sea of light colored sand, the black metal box is too obvious of a sight for either of you to say you didn’t notice it. Even as you feel Yunho’s gaze on the side of your face once more, perhaps hoping that you’ll make a comment about it and remember how much you enjoyed kissing him, you decide not to say anything and continue your walk to the ferris wheel.
At the entrance to the ride, you’re able to move past a line of eager 12 year olds to a second area for reserved ticket holders. You’re let onto a carriage whose windows are at the very top, insulating any view of the outside. It’s very obvious that the carriage was made with couples in mind. Beyond just the privacy aspect, there are pink and red hearts of various size patterned all over the leather fabric of your seats. It feels quite wrong then, that the two of you get into the ride sitting across from each other, hands stuffed in your pockets like you’d rather avoid touching each other.
“Date night?” asks the guy working the ride, who helps make sure nothing’s wrong with the carriage. You don’t say anything, but smile permissively at Yunho, letting him know you don’t mind if he responds.
“Yep,” he replies casually, and the guy working gives you both a suggestive pat on the shoulder. “Have fun. There’s lots of privacy in there.”
You and Yunho share equal looks of puzzlement before the worker closes the carriage doors shut. You feel relaxed for the first two minutes or so of being shut in. But then, suddenly, you can feel the air leaving your stomach as the carriage is pulled upward.
“Oh my god,” you murmur, feeling sick and like your organs are surely wobbling around as the carriage softly sways.
You mutter what is surely an expletive as a concerned Yunho offers you his outstretched arms to brace yourself. “Are you okay?”
Eyes squeezing shut, you took a second to steady yourself, taking several deep breaths and willing yourself to find rhythm in the back-and-forth rocks of the carriage. You allowed your heart rate to come to a slow before managing both eyes open. “Yes,” came your reply softly. “I’m fine.”
You’re not sure how long the ride is supposed to be, and without any windows, you’re left to use your senses to gauge how far you are on the ferris wheel. You and Yunho make light conversation, but it almost feels as if you’re replying on autopilot without taking in any of the words he’s saying.
Truthfully, you felt empty. And it wasn’t because the ride was scary, though your fear likely broke you out of whatever semi-optimistic mood you had temporarily found yourself in.
You thought that by coming here and letting Yunho take you on a date that you could conjure up some of those same adoring feelings that were once so strong between the two of you. But instead, even when you’re experiencing something new together, you can’t help but feel like an actor, pretending to see something that’s not there. All day, you’ve been trying to push down all of the negative sentiments that have built up over this last year. But they just keep coming back and you no longer think you’re strong enough to push them down.
You don’t even realize you’ve started crying until you feel Yunho’s hands resting on your knees, bringing you back to the present moment and making you conscious of the wetness on your cheeks.
“I’m so sorry, Y/N,” you hear Yunho say, and a voice that was once so comforting now sounds like it’s being heard through a tunnel in your haze of emotions. “I should have never pushed you to ride this.”
As you process Yunho’s words a little later than when you hear them, it occurs to you that he must think you’re crying because of the ride. But the fear of heights has long been shedded in favor of a newer, scarier fear – that no matter how much goodwill Yunho shows you, you’ll never be able to feel the same way for him again. That you’ll never be as happy as he once made you.
But you decide not to vocalize this. Instead, you allow Yunho to believe what you consider to be the easier story, until the ride ends and he rushes to lead you out of the carriage. The car ride to your house is a quiet one – you can feel the guilt radiating off of him.
It’s dark outside when he pulls into your driveway to drop you off. You look over at him, wanting to end this night on a positive note by saying something sweet, but not knowing what to say. And even if you could think of something, he’s already out of the car before you can open your mouth, coming around to open your door for you.
Once he’s let you out, you stand in front of him as he leans against the hood of his car, head tilted down to the asphalt. “Thank you for tonight, Yunho. The ferris wheel wasn’t even that bad, I promise.”
You realize only after the words leave your mouth that your attempts to make tonight sound fun only result in something more pitiful. Yunho shakes out his hair and lets a humorless laugh escape his lips. “No problem, Y/N. I had fun, too.”
You turn your back to him to stare at the windows of your house. No lights are on, which you hope means that neither Kai or your mother are awake to peek at what you’re doing. “Hug?” you ask Yunho, stretching out your arms toward him. And not just because you feel bad for him and want to make things up to him. But because being in close contact with Yunho is the only time where you can feel, even if only for a few seconds, the same safety and comfort that drew you to him in the first place.
Yunho smirks at you in a way that communicates pleasant surprise. He moves apprehensively into your embrace, doing so with his eyes rolled in a show of feigned resistance. You’re tempted to tease him, but are satisfied when you feel him soften in your embrace. It’s an act of affection that you feel could happen today or 1 year ago and would still feel the same way.
“Good night, Yunho,” you mumble tiredly into his chest.
“Good night,” he says back. “Love you.”
And just like that, what was just a moment of comforting familiarity now causes your heart to stop as you hear the words, “I love you,” come out of Yunho’s mouth.
You and Yunho have talked more than enough about falling in love with each other, but to actually say the words is territory you’ve never entered before. With how casual he sounded saying it, you get the feeling that he let it slip on accident. But you can’t help the fact that your first initiative is to freeze up, and you know he must feel it with the way your body goes rigid around him. And in the silence that passes, you’re sure that even if you wanted to reciprocate his confession, it would be too late without it being obvious that you’re just saying it to acquiesce him.
In that exact moment, Yunho pulls away from you. From the quick glimpse that you get of his face, you can see that he’s smiling, but you can tell that he’s moving extra quickly to hide himself from your view. Before you know it, he’s disappeared into his house across the street. You’re left alone in your front yard to contemplate the mess of emotions passing through you.
Because even if you were able to freeze time to give yourself a moment to process the initial shock of being told something like that, would you have said it back? In the back of your mind, one fleeing and dismaying thought prevails – You can’t be so sure anymore.
On the final day of summer, you sat on your back porch, feeling bittersweet as you enjoyed the serene air of your neighborhood and reflected on the events of the past few months.
In a few hours, you’d be heading back to school to begin your sophomore year of college, and you were torn between feeling relieved to escape the emotional turmoil that has defined this summer and scared to leave what was one of your most important relationships at its most vulnerable.
The truth is that you weren’t sure if your relationship with Yunho was salvageable. You thought that if both of you tried your hardest for each other that things may go back to how they used to. But you didn’t anticipate how difficult it would be to move past a year’s worth of pain and heartache. In all honesty, you were scared. Scared that you had spent this much time feeling miserable for someone who you may ultimately decide to cut out of your life for good.
“Hey,” you heard a familiar voice greet from behind you. Speak of the devil.
Yunho came out onto the porch in a relaxed pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He had arrived at your house early this morning, helping you and your mother pack and move your things into a U-Haul truck. You and your mom would be taking the truck into the city, where she’d drop you off at your closer-to-home, private college, while Yunho and Kai would head out the next day to their bigger and further away state school.
“What’s up?” Yunho asked, a shade of concern in his voice causing you to raise your eyebrow.
“Nothing. Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Your mom and brother sent me to look for you. They’re packing the car as we speak,” he explained, coming up in front of you to lean against the railing of your porch casually. “Though, I assume you know that already?”
“Yep,” you confirm, leaning back in your rocking chair with an air of resignation. “I just wanted a second to myself before I left.”
Yunho hummed in understanding. “Well I’ll leave you to it, then.”
You watched Yunho walk from the porch railing to the door, realizing that now may be your last chance before going back to school to talk to him face-to-face about your future together. You were suddenly filled with a sense of last-minute urgency.
“Wait,” you cried out, turning around in your chair to face his retreating silhouette. “Don’t go.”
Yunho turned around to look at you, eyes wide in a startled expression. “Actually, Yunho,” you told him softly, “I kind of wanted to talk to you.”
You watched as Yunho came back and sat down on your porch railing once again, leaning forward in calm interest. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”
You sighed, not even sure what you wanted to say. You remember when Yunho was the only part of your life that felt easy and uncomplicated. Now, every thought and emotion you had for him felt so confusing. It was as if you had to put together a puzzle of your own thoughts every time you spoke to him, trying to discern between feelings that were genuine and feelings colored by your past distrust.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about all that’s happened between us this summer. About how I want to move forward with our relationship now that everything’s been hashed out.
“I shouldn’t have gone on that date with you,” you confess, watching Yunho’s face fall in an expression of regret and disappointment. “I wasn’t ready. It was weird for me to revisit all of the places where I had so many positive memories with you and realize that I may never feel that way again. I know you had good intentions, but it was all too much for me.”
A moment of silence passes between the two of you as Yunho considers your words and you decide your next ones. You don’t bother to look up at him at this point, knowing all you’ll find is your own sadness and weariness reflected in his brown eyes.
“It’s not that I’m still angry at you for what you did. I understand what happened and why it happened, but I just…” you trail off. “I feel numb. And I’m not really sure if that’s an emotion conducive to a healthy relationship.”
“So what are you saying?” Yunho breaks his silence to ask, not exactly accusatory but not exactly gentle, either. “Are you…”
He pauses, and when you look up at his face you see his mouth closed in a tight line as if he doesn’t want to even consider ending his sentence.
But then he sighs, and the rest of the words come out strained like he had to fight to get them out of his mouth. “...ending things?”
“Can you really end something that never quite started?” you ask, your voice taking on a lighter tone as you attempt to convey your words in a humorous way. But as you say the sentence out loud, it hits close to home in a way you weren’t expecting.
“When I think about this year, I think about all the time I spent trying to hate you,” you chuckle out humorlessly, feeling almost silly as you reflect on how miserable and painful his year was. “And through it all – the anger, the pain, the numbness – somehow, someway…”
You take a breath, anxious for what you’re about to say.
“...I love you, Yunho.”
Yunho looks up to stare at you breathlessly, and for a second it feels like the two of you are frozen in time. He never thought he’d hear you reciprocate those words. It took a while for you to even come to the conclusion, as well. But even in your little experience, you know that what you’re feeling is love. The determination to see the best in someone even at their worst. The willingness to keep trying even when it feels like nothing is working. The care that never seems to go away even after they’ve hurt you.
“And so I’m not saying no to us,” you assert. “I’m not saying yes to us either. “I’m saying I don’t know. And I hope that can be enough for you right now.”
You sit in silence for what feels like hours, feeling understood but more confused than ever. You’re called by your mother to finally leave for your journey back to school. And as you say your brief goodbyes to your brother and Yunho, a sense of mournful finality tinges the air, as if you're closing a chapter that was once vibrant but now fades into the shadows of what once was.
a/n: I have one more part planned for this fic but i’m not sure when i can get it out. stay tuned and as always tysm for still reading <3
also realizing i never created a taglist for this fic! so if you'd like to be notified when the final part comes out, pls send me a message in my ask box or comment below.
ellievsbear
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