It’s your first time listening to Jazz (1978).
IiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIBRAHIIIIIIMmM! You have no idea what hit you. You check the album again. This is Queen, right? They didn’t swap out your record with some kind of traditional Hebrew or Persian religious group? No, that does sound like Freddie singing.
Okay, yes, that is DEFINITELY Freddie, aggressively singing about… ass? OH, this song goes HARD. The song leaves you truly ass-enlightened.
There’s a very sad ballad in here. With something like a sitar. Damn, this guy just. totally ruined his life huh
Now for the real doozy; you’re met with an extremely stubborn bicyclist who is just dissing every piece of pop culture you love. This song has truly the wildest, seesaw-like melody you’ve ever heard. He’s still at it, finishing rhyming words like “cocaine” and “john wayne” through call-and-response. Now he’s getting bitter over American politics. The last thing you expected when you put this album on was to hear a solo made from bike bells. You’re not even angry. Only Queen could pull off a song like this.
A truly upbeat Deacon tune is next. You don’t even pay attention to the semi-dark lyrics, it’s got a funky guitar riff, Freddie’s pumped up commentary, and you feel like the world is your friend!
You ride the happy wave out into the next song. Oh dear. What’s going on now? The ominous guitar intro instills a bit of fear in you. You have no choice but to succumb to Freddie’s macho and performing prowess. There is something very raw and sexual about the sound, but the tempo is so fast. Did Freddie just laugh maniacally? You are unsure of whether or not you want to be this entertained. You are startled by the cacophony of crowd voices that take down the song. Whew. Hopefully you can catch your breath.
Nope. Buckle your seatbelt. Do it quick. Hurry. HE SAID HURRY! You know you’re just here to sit and listen to some music but you feel like you’re supposed to be doing something else. What’s he saying? What does he want from you? You’re scared of missing your train or something. YOU HAVE TO GO! WHERE’S YOUR MONEY? BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! Oh, he’s WAILING! YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT! GET RICH! YOU NEED TO GET YOURSELF A LIFE! A loud, booming clap of thunder startles you. “YOU’RE DEAD!” The hair stands up on your neck. It’s over with. You feel… relieved. The thunder rolls away. What the fuck just happened?
The next one is surprisingly sweet. Normally there would be nothing surprising at all about a genuinely nice ballad, but after everything you have just been through, this type of song did not seem like it was in the cards. Now would be a good time to close your eyes and think of cherished memories! But oops, it’s already over.
You begin tapping your foot to something very bluesy! You didn’t really feel like swaying, but… you have to. You involuntarily begin to sway. You also never wanted to hum, especially not to a song you have never heard before, but you have no choice. You are now humming. Freddie’s light conversation during the guitar solo transports you into a dreamy state. What is this wizardry? Is any of this even jazz?
Ah, here is the token cool guy Roger Taylor ditty. It really does groove on out! You aren’t exactly sure what “fun it” means, but you’re willing to try. The whistle is an interesting choice. Reminds you of skipping gym class to go for a smoke.
You often forget how beautiful Brian May’s voice is, but this song makes you remember. It’s solemn, but so nice. Who is this very mystical woman singing with him, and how did she end up recording with Queen? You then realize that it’s not a woman… it’s Freddie with a voice filter.
You’re beginning to doubt that there is any actual jazz on this album.
Oh? What’s this? A floating intro lifts you into the air and–WOAH, HERE WE GO BOYS! You’re surging with energy. A tiger defying the laws of gravity?! A racing car, Lady Godiva, a satellite, an atom bomb, a sex machine?? You don’t know what the fuck he’s even talking about but you’re ready to take on ANYTHING! You wanna kiss a stranger! Call up your boss, quit your boring job! Get a tattoo! Build a shed! Kick somebody in the balls! Jump off a bridge with a homemade hang glider! YOU’RE INVINCIBLE! HAHAHAH!!!!
The last song feels like a hangover. You haven’t the slightest clue of what is going on. Roger’s gravelly voice catches you off guard at first, but that falsetto is impressive. Kid’s still got it. You fail to grasp the emotion they are trying to convey… you’re exhausted after all of this listening and all you pick up on is “no more of that jazz” Oh! That’s why they call it jazz. The song is suddenly interrupted with an “OHH NO MATTER” and you shout WHAT! out loud. The transition is so unnatural and you swear you’ve heard this before. You are tempted to check if your record player is broken, but… more songs are cycling through. What kind album has its own recap? This is the most unorthodox overture you’ve ever heard. The album ends on a tasteful reminder that fat bottomed girls really do make the world go round.
The record comes to a halt. You sit there, unblinking.
You have now completed the Jazz (1978) musical experience.
kianamaiart
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
snowghoul
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