As the seasons pass: Late October A Sapphic Fiction Story
"I don't know, dude. I've just been so consumed with the thought that I'm nearing my mid twenties and I have literally nothing going for me."
"Try not to think about it like that. Maybe you're just not supposed to peak in your twenties, which just means your thirties are gonna be so cool."
"Yeah, I guess. That's a good way of looking at it."
Val throws her arm around my shoulder and we continue on the trail to my house. The remainder of the walk is spent in silence, both of us looking around at the trees and dimming sky. She's been looking up more while she walks recently. It's nice to not see her with her head down all the time.
I turn the knob and we step inside my room. She falls on my bed while I hover around the entryway.
"I'm gonna grab some water, do you want anything?"
"I would love some water, but I was also thinking about ordering a pizza, would you be down for that?"
"Yeah of course!"
She exposes her dimples and gets on her phone with a quickness.
-----------------------------
"Hmmmmm I don't know. Do you have anything in mind?"
"Not really, do you wanna hate watch something or do you want something that's actually good?"
"I think a hate watch might be good for the soul right now."
She nods in response and surfs through netflix.
"Love is Blind?"
"Yes absolutely love is blind. Love is blind would cure me I think"
I can't help but steal glances of Val as the show plays. Her lips are rolled in and her dimples are deep. She presses her eyebrows together and rolls her eyes at all the dramatics of the show.
I switch every few seconds from looking at the screen to looking back at her. Her fingers are interlaced with her chin resting on her stuck-out thumbs.
Her eyes shift towards me. I'm caught.
She laughs through her nose a bit "Do I have sauce on my face or something?" She starts brushing her hand around the corners of her mouth
"No, I was just wondering if like..I don't know. Is your hair in your face? It kinda looks like your hair is in your face or something ha."
"I didn't notice it or anything, but thanks." She chuckles and plucks her hair behind her ear before facing forward again. Her eyes shift back and forth from the tv to me.
"That..was so weird for me to notice. I'm like, all in your business and stuff, sorry."
"No not even, I just actually didn't notice it, but after you pointed it out, you're totally right, I don't know how I didn't see that before. Totally blocking my view of love is blind."
"Yeah after I did that I was just like...whaaaat hahaha soo weird"
"Right. It wasn't though, seriously." She put her hand over mine and gave it a quick squeeze before turning back to the screen. I'm being annoying, asking her for all of this reassurance because I can barely contain my newfound adoration for her. This is sick.
----------------------------------------
"Oh my god? They are so stupid?" She can barely get the sentence out, every word comes out as an exhausted breath in between each cackle.
---------------------------------------
"My brain feels so fried from love island oh my god."
"Same. Do you wanna watch something else?"
"Of course not, we're almost done with the season. Unless you wanna watch something else?"
"No, not even"
The next ten minutes feel so stagnant. This show is neverending. I glance back at Val. She's sunken into the cushions now, like me. one arm resting on the back of the couch, the other laying between us. She's also looking at me? Her face is relaxed. Her eyes are soft and glittery. Her lips are slightly upturned, but not enough to form her trademark dimples.
I sit up a bit and my gaze alternates between her smile and her eyes. Her tender look grows into a an endearingly cocky grin.
"What?" She flicks her eyes in a slow up-down motion. It's as if she can see right through me. She props her head up with the hand that was between us and gracefully brings her other arm from the back of couch forward.
She hooks a finger into the collar of my shirt and pulls me towards her.
Her lips are velvet. She has one hand placed on my thigh and the other in my hair. She pulls away too soon.
"Are you..are you okay? Did i totally misread everything?"
I feel the shock set into my face. I feel frozen. Before i can process a response, I crash my lips back into hers.
She smiles against me and I trail from her lips, to her jaw. I plant a couple of quick kisses along her neck and she inhales sharply. I glide my fingertips down her cheeks to her neck. I trail down to her hands, interlacing our fingers. I start leaning backwards, pulling her with me.
The change in position is a tad awkward, I can feel both of us starting to smile and she laughs through her nose. Our lips part, her eyes are wide and fixed on me, her open mouth forming a distinct crescent shape.
I brush my fingertips along the exposed skin of her waist. Her legs clench slightly to my hips. Looking down at me, blushing as she gently pushes the hair away from my neck. She starts planting soft kisses under my ear and my knees press into each other involuntarily. She finds the spot where my neck meets my shoulder. My breath staggers and my chest jumps up slightly.
Our eyes meet as she looks up from my neck
"that your spot?"
"Yeah" It comes out as a whisper. Her lips fall back into place and proceed to kiss and nibble lightly. My hands run up her thighs, squeezing lightly when I reach the spot where her legs meet her hips.
She cups her hand around my waist, moving until she's just below the hem. Her thumb slides underneath my shirt. She rubs little circles into my skin while she moves her lips from the spot back to my collarbone.
I pull her chin back towards my face slowly and our lips reunite.
We practically jump back from each other as the sudden crash of the garage door opening makes itself known. She's red in the face and we are both practically panting. We face forward in unison, eyes now glued back onto the tv. The door opens and my dad walks around the corner.
"Hey guys. What've y'all been up to?"
"Just watching tv." Quickly and out of sync
"Cool, cool. What is this?" He gestures towards the TV, which currently displays a woman sobbing so hard that a thick string of snot reaches her chin.
"Love is blind"
"It's disgusting." He cackles, his eyebrows arched up and his mouth forming a smile smile frown
"I know right"
He sits on the couch next to me
"Okay, so what's going on, what's her story?"
Val and i take turns answering a series of questions he has about the show exchanging awkward glances each time our eyes catch each other.
"God, it's top tier trash, Gene, remind me about this later, I gotta see it. Anyways guys I'm gonna head to sleep. Val, it was a pleasure to see you as always. Night, guys."
He closes his door behind him and Val turns back towards me. Excitedly, I lean towards her and she puts her hand against my shoulder, stopping me.
"I think I'm actually gonna head out. Sorry."
"Wait, are you mad?"
"No no I'm not mad at all, It's just getting late, I got class in the morning, ya know."
"Right, well, do you wanna meet for lunch tomorrow?"
"Yeah we could do that for sure."
She moves with a certain rigidity and speed I haven't seen from her before. "See you tomorrow"
A void forms in my stomach.
-------------------------------------
Sleep feels impossible tonight. No matter what position i lay in, I can feel every organ in my body. The air is thicker than usual.
Around 3:30AM my head starts to throb.
When my alarm sounds I can barely acknowledge it. I couldn't keep my eyes open, even if i wanted to. I think a hooky day might be in the cards for me.
---------------------------------------
I wake up at noon and scramble to pick up my phone. I have two texts from Val.
Val â: Hey, can't meet for lunch today. If you can though, can we talk tonight? about last night?
Sent this morning at 9:45AM
Val â: Unless you don't want to. We can just forget about it. It doesn't have to make it awkward or anything. Lol
Sent at 11:36AM
There it is. She regrets it. Understandable. Typical. Expected.
Genie: We can hangout. But yeah, I guess we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
She responds impressively fast
Val â: Literally never said i didn't wanna talk about it. Lol. Actually quite literally said i wanted to talk about it. Lol.
Genie: Ok then lets talk about it. Why are you being so weird about it?? Like what the fuck?
Val â: Cool. We'll talk tonight. Is 4:30 a good time for you? My last class ends at 4:00, hbu?? Also I'm not being weird idk I'm sorry I'm not trying to be weird i just feel weird. Not about you tho, not like that but like idk idk that's why i wanna talk to u about it.
Genie: 4:30 is fine. Lmk when ur otw.
She reacts to the message with a thumbs up. I shove my head into my palms and the tears start coming.
-------------------------------------------
I'm finishing up a bowl of white rice with a runny egg on top when i get the text from Valerie.
Val â: Hey, I'm coming now, is that cool?
Genie: Yeah ofc, drive safe <3
She leaves a heart on the message and I speed through the motions. Clean the bowl out, put it in the dishwasher, brush my teeth, spritz some perfume, change my shirt, put on regular pants, choose socks that match the shirt, and perfect timing. I dash over to the front door and open it slowly.
"Hiii" She says in an awkwardly high pitch.
"Heey." My eyes shift downward involuntarily. I can feel my eyebrows furrow for a second before i step aside to let her in.
We walk to my room in silence.
"Soo, I'm sorry if i freaked you out, I was just like, freaking out I guess. I don't know dude" She's using her thumb to chip away the nail polish on her index finger. Her eyes are glued, as if she's completely devoted herself to this one action.
"What are you freaked out about? I feel like it makes a lot of sense." My head and hands bob around in sync.
"Yeah but i don't know. The timing seems weird. You've been going through a lot emotionally and i just feel like, I don't know i feel like I'd be taking advantage of that, i guess." Her eyes shift up to me at the last part, as glazed and watery as mine.
"You're not though?" My voice cracks a little bit. I purse my lips and hold my breath.
"Yeah but at the same time, I feel like it would be best if we waited a little longer, ya know? I don't want us to, like, go too far and then you realize you weren't ready and then the whole friendship is left in shambles." She covers my hand with hers. My recoil is automatic.
"That's...valid, yeah. I mean, I don't mind waiting. I feel pretty sure but it still makes sense for us to wait a bit i guess."
"Yeah"
Nod. I feel the transition of the tears pricking at my eyes to the tears starting to fall.
Her brows lift and the corners of her mouth point to her chin as her lips roll inwards. She pulls me into her chest. As i cry harder, I notice her chest heave and her head falls onto mine. She's squeezing me tightly.
I pull away from her and wipe my eyes.
"I'm sorry I don't know why I'm going, like, crazy on you right now."
"Because it sucks."
"Yeah. What now?"
"I don't know. What would we usually do? Smoke about it? I guess?"
"Sounds about right. Is it cool with you if we just stay on my porch this time?"
"Yeah, of course."
----------------------------------------------
"Ha, I know right, I was in mourning when i woke up today. I was texting you all anxiously and shit."
"Dude stoppp i was so scared when i read those actually but yeah I literally didn't even go to school today, i was up all night losing my mind."
'Wait, for real?? I skipped too" We break out into laughter simultaneously.
"We... are ridiculous, i fear."
"Agreed, like we kissed, whatever, it's called having a bromance. Like pauly d and vinny. You get it."
"For sure. Who's who though?"
"I think you're pauly."
"You think I'm pauly?"
"You're definitely the cooler one."
"Val, get real. You're the Pauly for sure. Speaking of, I think we should rewatch jersey shore."
"You...are so right."
--------------------------------------
"Jwoww really does look like a GTA character. Why is she moving like that?"
"I have no idea but i love her so much."
I notice her head turn in my direction and stick.
"What?"
"Don't know."
"Tell me"
"I just wanna kiss you again."
"Too bad you can't"
"I think we opened a can of worms."
"I think you're right. Honestly Val, I'm not gonna change my mind. I respect where you're coming from but i need you to know where I'm at."
"So, you want to be my girlfriend? You are sure that you want to change our relationship? You feel comfortable and ready? You've moved past everything that went down with Sabrina?"
"I feel like i started to forget about Sabrina the second we started talking. I held onto it for a bit, but yeah, this has been developing on my side since we've met. I do want to be way more than friends. I've thought about it a lot, especially these last couple of months. What about you though? You're so adamant about the fact that you don't feel that way about me when we're around your friends. What's that about?"
Her eyebrows push together. "Genie, you're joking, right? They have known since the beginning. Literally the first time we hung out I thought it was a date. That's why I made that joke about courting you. They are teasing me when they do that. I totally thought you picked up on that and i felt like such a massive dork. That's why polly freaked out on you like that."
"Yeah, that, tracks. I don't know, I guess i didn't want to be too optimistic about it so i just got into my head and made it into a negative thing. I had no idea our first hangout was a date. Did you think we were dating after that too"
"That's real. But yeah I totally thought we were dating until you asked me about Sabrina that first time. It was only kind of soul crushing, not too serious though. So..what uh,, what are we gonna do now?"
"Date? I guess? That seems like the next step, right?"
"The weather is perfect for this, I'm so excited" I lay out the blanket and start plucking the tupperwares and ziplocs from the basket
"Same its gonna be so cool. Speaking of the weather, kind of, what are you doing for halloween?"
"Hanging out with you? I hope?"
"Awesome, that was also my plan. What do you wanna do?" She fiddles with the altoids tin and picks out the preroll. Like always, her dimples appear as she lights it and i feel a little jump in my chest. Odd.
Inhale. pass. "I don't really know. Is Bridgette having a party or anything? Do you wanna dress up and go out? Or stay in and watch movies or something?"
Inhale. "Oo a movie night sounds cool." exhale. pass. "We should make a list of movies to watch or something?"
"Yes for sure!" Inhale. Pass. Exhale.
We nod and i pick up one of the tupperwares. There are two with spaghetti, then a ziploc of garlic bread and another tupperware with grapes. She reaches for the other spaghetti.
I can't help but nod in approval as I take my first bite. Spaghetti is always good, but I think Val's is the best I've ever had. She never fails to impress me with her food, no matter how simple.
--------------------------------------------
After inhaling the spaghetti, I dig my sketchbook and pencil case out of my tote. Val pulls her book out of the first pocket of her backpack.
She lays on her back and rests her head on my thigh. She looks up at me with pink, dimpled cheeks.
"This okay?"
"Yeah, of course." Almost as if I've done it a hundred times before, i push her hair back with my hand, catching and twirling a strand between my fingers. My eyes dart back to my sketchbook and i try to focus on an idea.
After awhile Val closes her book and lays it beside her. She closes her eyes and relaxes her face.
-----------------------------------------
The sun is starting to set so I put my hand on Val's shoulder. Her face is bathing in the sun's orange light and she looks so comfortable I feel bad for having to wake her up.
She looks angelic, so peaceful yet radiant. I brush my fingers lightly from her temple to behind her ear. "Val, Val, it's gonna get dark soon, we have to head back."
Her face scrunches a little before her eyes open. When our pupils meet, she grows a massive smile and lifts her head up closer to mine. In a way that could best be described as impulsive, I lean towards her face. Her eyebrows furrow and she chuckles a bit. Dodging me, she pulls herself up. She puts her book back in her bag. I feel my lips purse as I look forward. It feels like I've committed a crime.
"Was that weird, I'm sorry."
"What?" Her eyebrows are raised
"What?"
"Was what weird?"
"I don't know, nothing, I don't know. Ignore me." I scramble to put my art supplies back in my bag and shoot up from my seated position. She folds the blanket and hugs it towards her. We start back on the trail to my place.
-------------------------------
I think I'm falling in love with her. It feels weird to acknowledge, but the feeling is beginning to leak into my behavior, the thoughts are becoming routine. I'm watching her scroll through her letterboxd on the corner of my bed. All I can seem to think about is kissing her one exposed dimple. Reaching for her hand so that I can massage her knuckles with my thumb.
"Ooooo, you like scream, right? We should add scream to the list."
"Scream for sure, how do you feel about house of 1000 corpses?"
"Genie. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Sabrina is a fucking cunt for treating you like this and i hate that girl. She knows what she's doing and she's hurting you intentionally."
"I know it's fucking bullshit"
"Are you gonna say anything?"
"No. I think I'm just gonna change the tone."
"Okay. I've heard you say this before and it's just resulted in what's happening now. I think you should cut her out completely."
"I'm not going to cut her off. I'm just not gonna do THIS anymore."
Through this entire conversation I'm sobbing and crying and overall just losing the last shred of sanity that was intact before tonight.
I jump at the sound of knocking on my window. It's Val.
"Joan. I have to go. I'll call you back soon."
I unlock the doors and val slips into the passenger.
"Hey what uh--what're you doing in here?"
"Freaking the fuck out, obviously"
"Yeah,, I picked up on that, but why?"
"Fucking Sabrina. She's such a bitch sometimes."
"I mean, yeah. You knew that though i thought."
"I guess not."
"Fuck her." she leans over and pulls me into a hug. "It's gonna be okay, it was important for this to happen. Now you can actually move past it."
"Yeah. I guess." I mumble into her shoulder. Val's presence is like a fast-acting remedy to any pain. She's like my personal cure for a bad mood. I squeeze her tighter, hoping gratitude can leak from my pores and seep into hers.
"Do you want to be alone tonight or do you want someone with you? We can hangout and just talk about it if you want or something? I don't know, just if you need company."
"Yeah actually, I think that would be good for me right now. Did you drive here or did you uber?"
"I ubered, I thought i was gonna drink way more than i did."
"Okay, cool, we'll head out in a second. I just need a second to calm down."
"I could drive? I had like, that one shot we did as a group and that was a few hours ago, it's up to you though, i totally get it if you're not comfortable with that."
"actually yeah it would be pretty awesome if you drove us."
She nods and opens the passenger door. Just like the first time we hung out, she speed walks around the car to open my door for me. When i get out of the car she pulls me into a tight hug. She has her hand cupped to the back of my head. She rubs my back with her other hand. She grabs me by my shoulders and pushes back from the hug.
"Are you hungry? We could should pick something up. I know it's a little late, but there a still a few places."
"Ehh i dunno. Not super hungry."
"You should still probably eat, maybe not right now, but do you want to pick something up for later?"
"Yeah, that sounds good."
She pulls into a random 24-hour chain resturant and parks.
"Do you wanna come in with me or stay here?"
"Stay here."
"Okay, I'll be right back."
She comes back with a big brown bag and a big smile on her face. when she gets into her seat she looks over at me
"I got potato skins AND potato soup"
"I love you dude. Seriously. Thank you, I'm sure this isn't how you were planning to spend your night and you're being really awesome about it."
"Gene, I am always more than happy to be with you, you're like, my best friend. I hate that you're hurting right now and i hate that that's the reason we're together right now, but don't get me wrong, I am more than happy to be with you. My night couldn't have gone better, even if the circumstances aren't the best."
The tears well up the entire time she's talking and start to pour out again at the last bit.
"I didn't mean to make you cry again, I'm sorry" She reaches over and pulls me towards her, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.
"They're not bad tears this time so there's no reason for you to be sorry. I'm just really grateful to have you in my life. You're my best friend too"
"Gah, you're gonna make me start crying now. also...can you hold the food?" She chuckles a little during the last sentence, I return the laughter and nod my head.
------------------------------
We get back to my house and Gumball greets us at the door. Val bends over and starts doting over her.
"Hiiiiii gumball you're so sweet hiiihihi it'ssoniiiicetoseeyouagain i missed you"
"I'm gonna get into some pjs, do you wanna change now or wait till later?"
"Hmm probably now."
I nod and pick out the set i gave her last time. I change in my closet and she changes in my room. I knock before i get out of the closet and she giggles in response
"All clear"
I step out and my heart jumps a little seeing her in my clothes again. Weird. She's just sitting criss-cross on my bed and eating potato skins but i think this might be the most comforting thing I've seen in my entire life. I sit on the bed next to her and dig into the bag. She got two cups of potato soup and i smile to myself thinking of how its such a silly but sweet thing that bonded us. It's weird but really cool to think of the things we've bonded over within such a short period of time. I didn't know her even six months ago and now i find myself missing her before we even part ways. It's a pretty beautiful experience.
"Dude, I was so hungry when i was leaving the party, I was about to start writhing in pain hahah"
"Did you eat when you were there?"
"Nah"
"Why not? Were you not hungry then?"
"So..this is gonna sound kinda bad maybe. And maybe the timing of me saying this is really bad, and I'm not trying to be a dick, ya know? But I didn't eat it because Ingrid mentioned that sabrina made it. Which i know is a really fucked up thing to say and do but i don't know. I genuinely do not like her at all, especially after the shit she pulled tonight, but even before that, i don't know man, that coffee shop freak behavior she did was too much for me and i just haven't liked her since and it's mean but in the moment i just thought 'wow, i would rather eat a trough of horseshit before i ate anything Sabrina's bitch ass cooked' So i just didn't eat."
I can feel the level of shock that's presented on my face.
"I should not have told you that actually, i am so sorry. Word vomit moment ha ha"
"No that's actually kind of funny. I know I'm not laughing but I'm just shocked, i had no idea you had that kind of beef with her."
"Yeah i dunno. I just think she is really nasty to you because she knows she can get away with it. Like, obviously she has no control in her life so she has to go and jerk around people that would do anything for her and i really.....hate that quality in a person, I think most people do. At least when they're on the outside looking in."
"That, makes a lot of sense. It's hard to accept that because i knew her before she started acting on that but, i don't know, i guess if i look at the situation objectively, that's what's been happening."
"You deserve so much more than that. Seriously, you're such an angel and you're beautiful and smart and fun and funny and so cool, like, seriously so fucking cool. Like, it was insane to me when you dm'd me and actually wanted to hangout. I really didn't see that coming and I'm really happy we became friends and i genuinely hate to see you going through this and i fucking despise her for putting you through it. This is such a major fuckup on her part and there's gonna be a time where she has to regret this and i hope it haunts her honestly"
"Oh?"
"Yeah no actually i could go on about this cause I've been thinking about it since that day at the coffee shop."
"Wow. that's. A lot. Why didn't you say anything then?"
"I kind of did, like i said that she was being weird and how she was being weird, but i didn't want to shit on your parade or make you feel bad about it, ya know. Plus, i figured maybe she was just having one of those days, like maybe she wasn't always like that, but after tonight i got to see her be even worse than that in real time."
I put my hand on top of hers and gift it a quick squeeze. Val's such a gentle person. This is really different from the way joan approaches situations like this. I love her so much and she's usually right, but she makes me feel like a dumbass. Val is so understanding and supportive of me, i really don't feel judged by her at all.
When we finish eating, she takes the bag to the kitchen and comes back
"I'm gonna brush my teeth real quick, it's cool if i use one of the extra toothbrushes, right?"
"Oh, good idea, same here. but yeah Yeah Val, or course. Honestly you can put whichever one in my toothbrush holder, so now you'll just have a designated toothbrush when you sleepover."
She attempts to stifle a big goofy smile and turns towards the bathroom. I meet her in there and we brush our teeth and wash our faces together.
When we get back to bed we gravitate towards each other. We haven't laid this close since the accidental spooning incident. I want 5o move closer to her but I don't know how.
Little butterflies flutter around in my chest as I open the door, revealing Sabrina. She's wearing a baggy tee shirt with army green cargo pants. Her skin is glowing and her eyes are sparkling. She's smiling big and reaches towards me for a hug.
"Hiiiiiiiii" in unison. We embrace for a couple seconds before I step aside to let her in. Gumball runs up to her, barking and tail wagging.
"Gumbaaaallll I've missed you so much little bit"
"Do you want a water or a soda or anything?" I'm still smiling at the interaction between the two.
"Water please"
I walk to the cabinet and grab a cup.
"How was the drive, what's new, any bitches you hate?"
"Drive was good, no new bitches to hate, and I've been okay. Joel took me to the arboretum the other day, my mom's being a trainwreck as usual, roommates are good, work is tolerable. That feels like the main updates. How about you? What's new?"
I hand her the full cup and we head to my room. She gets settled and we sit criss-cross on the bed facing each other.
"I've been pretty good. School's been stressing me a little, work has been ehh....its retail, ya know? My dad's doing well, mom is also a trainwreck but I haven't really heard from her recently. That's kinda it for me. Are you watching or listening to anything new?"
We continue on for a while, playing music we've discovered in our time apart. Eventually, we shift positions so we are sitting side-by-side on my bed. Both of our legs straightened out with my laptop resting on my thighs.
"Ooo, play this one, I watched it the other day, it made me think of you."
I drag the mouse over to the thumbnail and click. A few seconds into the video she inches a bit closer. By the end of the video her head is resting on my shoulder. She lays her hand on my bicep. When i look down in her direction, she is staring up at me.
"Hey"
"Hi"
Like anyone in this situation, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do right now. I press my lips together and face forward. I lock my eyes on the screen and try to ignore the bubbling nerves. Is she aware of my side of this? Is she doing this on purpose, and if she is, does she realize how sadistic it is?
"Yeah it's so crazy dating someone that actually likes you, you know? Like sometimes I catch myself being mean to Joel because I don't say anything when he actually does make me upset. It just feels so weird to be able to tell him I'm upset and knowing he'll listen, like, I'm so used to just having to swallow every problem I have. And, I get really nervous about sabotaging my relationship with him because of that. So, I've been trying really hard to communicate and it just feels so weird," Chuckle "Like, what do you meeeaaan I can just tell you how something you did made me feel," Chuckle. "Like, what?? Anyways, yeah, I totally see where you're coming from with the joan thing. It's good she received that well."
"Yeah it was really cool for us to just talk it out and make up with each other cause we always used to get into such dramatic fights with each other over stuff like that. But with you and Joel, It does sound really difficult, but it's great he's being supportive and understanding of you while you break that habit. I'm really happy for you, you deserve someone that will do that for you. Don't get too down on yourself about it, I think it's normal to have phases like that with people when your connections start becoming long-term."
"Yeah, that's true. That makes me feel a little better about it cause I've been kind of upset with myself. Do you have your eye on anyone, or are you wanting to start dating again soon?"
"Ehhhh not particularly. I've been pretty happy by myself recently, like no one is in love with me right now but-"
"I'm in love with you" She coos this jokingly but it feels intentional.
"You're a straight woman" Chuckle
She covers her face with the pillow and laughs a bit, when she comes back up she looks at me through her furrowed eyebrows, her face is twisted in what looks to be embarrassment.
"But yeah, no ones in love with me right now and that's a good thing, ya know? I think a relationship would really throw me off right now."
------------------------------------------------
"I had so much fun it was really nice to just have an us day agin. I feel like i haven't gotten to see a lot of you recently."
"Same! I missed you a ton. Let me know when you get home, okay? And send me your schedule when you can."
"Of course! I'll see you soon."
She walks out of the door and i'm hit with a mixture of grief and relief. A pretty common theme recently after i see her. I walk back to my room and fall backwards on my bed.
Fifteen minutes after her departure i receive a text from her.
Sabrina: Made it home okay ^.^ thanks for having me over, it was so refreshing to see you again.
Me: Same same, i hope u have a good night, love u!!
-----------------------------
I open instagram and notice i have a dm, it's from one of sabrina's friends
Ingrid8shit: Heeeey renee is having a birthday party this weekend, ur invited!! It's gonna start at 7:30 and we're just gonna party and eat and such, lmk if you can make it!
Geniespamhell: Omg yay that's gonna be so fun, I'll be there. What does she want for her birthday?
----------------------------
I feel unusually exhausted after today. After my skincare, I slide into bed. I check the airbuds app to see what everyone's listening to and i notice that Sabrina has been listening to sofia by clairo on repeat since she left. This feels like progress, but i have to remind myself that my feelings tend to be false. But she doesn't even really like that genre so for it to be on repeat this whole time, it'd have to mean something.
In the midst of indulging in the emotional equivalent of overreaching on a ladder thirty feet from the ground, my phone starts to buzz. It's Val.
"Heeeeeeey" She's holding the camera at a low angle.
"You gotta booger"
"Not even, anyways what're you up to?"
"Not too much, I'm gonna go to bed soon i think"
"Oh, do you want me to let you go?"
"Ohemgee no, not even. What are you doing? Did you have a good day?"
"I'm not really up to anything, I just finished rewatching over the garden wall, and it made me think of you and I was wondering if you've seen it?"
"No, i haven't, what's it about?"
"Oh my god we have to watch it, you would love it. I can't even tell you what it's about, we just gotta watch it!!"
"I'm so down. You always recommend bangers. Also, did Ingrid message you?"
"Yeah. Are you gonna go?"
"I think so, yeah, are you?"
"For sure. Do you know what youre gonna get Renee for her birthday?"
"Ah, not yet, do you have any ideas?"
"I have no clue. I was thinking about maybe a trinket or something? We could go to the thrift together and look for some if you want?"
"Yesss that would be so fun."
"How was your day today?"
"It was...good."
"What'd you do?"
"I hung out with Sabrina."
"Was is gay?"
"Not really. I'm trying to stop entertaining it."
"That's real, you could do better than that."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, you could absolutely find someone that would publicly commit to you, is all. She's cool and everything don't get me wrong, but yeah you know? Just the typical sentiment of 'anyone that gonna treat you that way doesn't deserve you' Yada yada and so on."
"Yeah. It still makes me kinda sad though. But yeah, enough of that. What did you do today?"
"Well, I rewatched over the garden wall, as you already know, I made some chicken gnocchi soup, I worked the morning shift, so i was out by 1:30, I took a nap, all typical things."
"Agh that sounds so nice lowkey i wish we hung out today. I was thinking about texting you earlier but i figured you would be busy."
------------------------
The day of the party, sabrina finally responds to the text i sent her after the last time we hung out
Sabrina: Heyyyy sorry i took forever, I've been running around all day cooking and stuff for the party tonight, but can you still make it?
Genie: No worries! Also yes ofc i wouldn't dream of missing it:))
Sabrina: Yaaaay I'lll see u when u get here<3
-------------------
Of course fuckass joel is here. He's on the edge of the couch with his face buried in his phone. Sabrina finishes a cup of wine and turns to me
"We got a bouncy castle and I've been IN that bitch. Do you wanna go?"
"For sure"
Me, sabrina, and Charlie bounce around for a few minutes and sabrina falls on her back
"Do you wanna hangout with me and joel on the couch inside?"
"Yeah, sure."
Just like always, once we get around joel, it's radio silence from sabrina. There's no way she expects me to just sit here in silence with them during the party. I turn towards sabrina and attempt to start conversation just to get snubbed. She cuts me off before i even get through the sentence.
"Yeah, I get it." She stares daggers at me as she says this. Her eyes squint slightly, yet there's a strange desperation in her eyes. It's as if she's begging me to not interact with her around him.
I roll my lips and look the other way. Val's in the kitchen. She's laughing and just being a goober like usual.
"I'll be back, I'm gonna go say hi to Val"
This falls on deaf ears. Obviously. I roll my eyes and head over to the kitchen
"Heeeeeey!!"
"Hi!!"
She pulls me into a hug and we squeeze each other before separating. She grabs my hand and leads me to the table
"Do you wana take a shot?"
"Absolutely!"
A couple of sabrina's roommates join in and we take the shot. As usual, Sabrina is just sitting in silence with her fuckass boyfriend and doing absolutely nothing.
Everything stays the same until Joel leaves and sabrina makes me a plate to take home. After putting the plate in the fridge, she proceeds to glue herself to my side for the remainder of the night. At this point I'm fucking exhausted. What is the truth? She's the one person that I'd expect to treat me nicely, yet she's the only person here who's treated me like a gnat all night. Until he leaves, of course. Right. Got it.
She proceeds to interrupt any conversation that Val and I have. She makes it a point to cut off Val specifically. She keeps making jokes about our friendship being homoerotic. She laughs at everything Val is saying with an air of spite. Making jokes about being a lesbian. Why is she doing this? I'm not cool with this behavior. In fact, I'm extraordinarily embarrassed that i have been stressing over this bullshit for a year now. Fuck. this.
The party starts to wrap up. i leave the plate she made me and i get into my car. I sit in silence for a few minutes before starting to scream at the top of my lungs. I hit the steering wheel and cry and scream and basically just lose my shit after spending the last year as contained and patient as possible. I have lost hope and trust in this. I'm so sick and tired of this. The damage caused by this constant push and pull is beginning to surface. She's being cryptic for sport, that's the only conclusion i can come to at this point. She knows what she's doing. Why else would she flip her behavior like that? I call Joan because I don't know what else to do.
Born to dgaf forced to sit here and imagine how soft it would be to have a gf and play with her hair while she lays on my chest and we watch our favorite movies together and she falls asleep while I hug her and rub her back and kiss the top of her head and make sure the blanket is covering her
"I think everyone is already here, just shoot me a text if you get anxious and want to step away or something."
I reply to this with a smile and a love tap on her arm. Our eyes lock and we exchange smiles as she reaches for the doorknob. The hallway is dark but i can see purple lighting peaking around the corner.
"Hey guys!" Val exclaims
"Hey!" We all exchange smiles, except Polly for some reason.
Serena, Annie and Polly are squished together on the couch. Jolene is leaning back in a massive bean bag with Belle between her legs. She's playing with Belle's hair and a surge of warmth cycles through my chest. Seeing affection like this makes me blush even when it has nothing to do with me. What a sap I am.
"Where's Bridget and Jenna?" Val asks, looking towards Belle and Jolene.
"Oh, Bridge is just in the kitchen. Not sure where Jenna is, actually, you know how she is about flaking, though."
"Yeah, classic." She turns towards me. "Wanna come to the kitchen with me to say hi?"
"Yeah, of course!"
She grabs my hand and I follow behind her. When we reach the kitchen she doesn't drop my hand. She pulls me to her side and squeezes my hand before releasing her grasp.
Bridget is in the fridge, a pile of snacks sits on the counter to the right. The fridge is decked out with colorful magnets and pictures.
"Bridge!" Val says erratically, trying to scare her. Bridget jumps a little and hits her head on the top door.
"Oh shit" Val speeds over. "You okay? My bad dude, I did not think that one through, sorry"
"You're all good, ahhh I'm so happy to see you, we missed you last week!" She pulls Valerie in for a hug. Her eyes drift to me.
"Oh my gosh, hey! Genie, right? I'm happy to see you, come here!"
She pulls me into a group hug. Her perfume is strong, but very pleasant and imbued with vanilla.
"Welcome welcome, if you need anything from the kitchen, just help yourself, if you need the bathroom it's gonna be to the left of the front door. It's so good to see you again, I love your outfit you look so cutie."
"Thank you so much oh my gosh, I love yours too, orange suits you so well, you look adorable! Do you need help bringing anything out?"
"Yeah actually, would you mind grabbing these drinks, and Valerie could you run to my room and grab the smoke supplies?"
Valerie nods and turns towards the hallway. I pick up the twenty-four pack of Mike's hard lemonade and follow Bridget back to the living room. I pick a seat on the floor next to the coffee table and take a moment to observe the group. Jolene is still running her fingers through Belles hair, although it has more of an absent-minded feel to it than before. Belle's head is laying on Jolene's left thigh, her upturned eyes relaxed and slightly closed. Jolene's cheeks are painted with a slight blush and her tender eyes are fixed on Belle.
"How long have you two been together?"
Belle picks up her head "Three years." She says this proudly, looking back at Jolene and reaching for her hand.
"That's so awesome, you guys make a perfect couple."
The pair blush and shrug in unison. Valerie emerges from the hallway. She walks over to the coffee table, she carefully sets down everything in her hands and sits next to me. I notice Polly take a massive swig of her drink, once again staring daggers at me just like she did the night of the show.
"Genie, do you want a drink?" Bridget grabs a bottle from the pack and hands it towards me. "You like black cherry?"
"It's my favorite! So, I know all of you have been friends since high school, but what brought all of you together?"
"In our senior year we all signed up for art club. Kind of silly and most of us thought it would be kind of a blowoff thing, but yeah somehow we all ended up taking it really seriously and kind of thriving as a group. I think the thing that really brought us together though was this massive papier-mache project we did for a district competition." Jolene scans the room with a heartfelt expression after giving her response.
"That's so awesome, what'd y'all make?"
"It was a big ass, medieval-type dragon. It was Val's idea, actually."
I look over to Val to see her blushing a bit with a sort of embarrassed look on her face.
"I was going through a sort of intense dragon phase."
Polly, who's polishing off her third bottle snaps. "Oh my god, Valerie. Seriously. Get over yourself. We all liked the idea, everyone liked the idea. You don't have to turn every compliment into a reason to act more insecure than you really are. Jesus christ."
"Bitter. You're cut off." Bridget says, snatching the new bottle from Polly's hand.
"Whatever, you're just mad cause I'm not humoring her infront of her new..girlfriend or whoever the fuck this is."
"We're-- not even dating." Valerie awkwardly blurts out, looking over to me and mouthing "sorry"
"Whatever dude, it's written all over your face and honestly, I pity this random ass girl for whatever you're about to put her through."
"Jesus fucking christ. Genie, just ignore her."
"Yeah, they're obviously just friends." Belle interjects, I see Val scrunch her face as this sentence comes out.
"Yeah, seriously Genie, she's full of shit, no one is assuming anything." Annie speaks up. The rest of the group follows suit and starts reiterating different variations of this sentiment.
Val's face is bright red and she puts her head down, pursing her lips together. She inhales sharply, rolling her eyes as her face comes back up.
"Yeah, so if it hasn't been made abundantly clear, Polly and I dated for like, three months in high school and she's so terminally unpleasant that she hasn't found anyone else to fill the obviously massive void that I left her with, apparently."
"You. are. such. a. bitch. I'm getting an uber now."
"Yeah, that's probably a good move Polly. Maybe wait outside while you're at it. You're really killing the vibe." Jolene responds.
Polly proceeds to make the most dramatic exit I've ever witnessed. Slamming the door and screaming at the top of her lungs once she's outside.
I break the silence with the first thing that pops into my mind. "Been...there.....amiright?"
Thankfully, this earns a slight chuckle from the rest of the group. "Jeez, anywho, what's everyone's favorite flavor from the pack?"
The remainder of the night was really chill. I learned a lot about everyone, and more than i expected to about Val. It was really sweet. Her friends dug up pictures from high school and gushed over her. She's apparently always had a mediator-type of role in the group. They got into the Polly situation a bit, and I guess officiated the 'boycott Polly movement,' which has apparently been a major topic for a while.
Val puts her hand over mine "You ready to head out?"
I nod in response and we exchange goodbyes with the group. I make sure to get everyone's socials and we head out. When we get settled in the car she turns to me with teary eyes.
"I am so sorry, that was not cool and you shouldn't have had to be put in that position. That was so fucked up and I am so embarrassed and guilty that you had to see that."
"Dude, Valerie, I'm not even thinking about it. She just has her own problems, I get that. It's not a reflection of you or anyone else. I had such a good time that it didn't even matter. Don't make yourself feel bad over something you didn't even do."
She leans forward and pulls me into a tight hug. "I'm really happy we met." She mumbles into my shoulder and squeezes me tighter.
Class starts today. Val and I have a lunch date planned, which I'm really looking forward to. As I'm getting into my car my phone buzzes. It's Sabrina.
Sabrina <3: Heeeeey, do u wanna meet for lunch today?? I feel like it's been forever since I've seen u!!! I'm yearning fr, miss u lovi.
Genie: RAH, I wish, I have lunch plans today, but maybe sometime later this week? Send me ur schedule.
Read. No response.
I click 'edit contact' and remove the little heart that's decorated her name for the last year now. It doesn't feel the way it used to. Healing era? I can only hope.
I open the door to the cafe down the street from campus. I spot Valerie by the window. Her chin is resting in the palm of her hand. Her eyes are aimed towards the window unfocused.
I take this opportunity to order for both of us. I take the seat across from her and she snaps her head forward.
"Heeeey" She says, starting to pop up from her seat.
"I already ordered."
"You know my order?"
"Of course i know your order. You're joking, right?"
Her cheeks grow pink "Thanks, what was the total? I'll zelle you half."
"Ohemgee, not even. My treat."
"Are you sure?"
"Duh. How has your first day been?"
"Lack luster. I have the 'most of my friends just left town again and i am writhing in pain at their absence' blues."
"Ah, yes. Very familiar feeling. Do you wanna hang out tonight? We can watch a comfort movie or something? Get your mind off it."
She smiles softly. A bit of pain still evident in her eyes. "That would be awesome." Our eye contact is broken by a loud knocking at the window beside us. It's Sabrina. She throws her hands up and flails her hands outward. Her eyebrows are furrowed. "What the fuck?" She speeds to the door and makes her way over to us.
"I thought you said you had plans?!"
"These are,,,in fact the plans that I was referring to. What are you confused about?"
"This is our place? What the fuck?"
"Sabrina, this is...not a good look. It's a coffee shop down the street from campus. It's everyone's place. You can join us?" I gesture to the seat next to me.
She grins and takes the seat. The order I put in for Val and I gets called.
"I'll go uh..go grab that." She quickly heads over to the front.
"Wow Gene. I can't believe you didn't order for me."
"Dude, Sabrina, what's up with you?"
"Don't be dense."
"Note taken."
"Well, I guess I'm just gonna go order for myself then."
"That is..what most people in your situation would do, so, yeah, I support that decision."
"What the fuck do you mean 'situation.'?"
"What I mean is that you just made an ass of yourself for no reason, so you should try to be, like, normal or something."
She inhales deeply and pushes herself up from her seat.
Valerie sits back down with wide eyes.
"I get what you were talking about with the vibes now, cause what the fuck was that?"
"Dude I know. So you think she likes me?" I can't control the grin that forms on my face as the last part comes out.
Her eyebrows straighten out and she slow blinks. "Yeah."
I giggle involuntarily and my gaze shifts to Sabrina at checkout.
The remainder of lunch has a weird vibe to it. Valerie scrunches her face like she's smelled something rotten everytime Sabrina speaks. Occasionally glancing at me with one eyebrow raised.
"Well, I've gotta run. Happy we cleared up that misunderstanding and Valerie, it was sooooooo nice to see you again. You should come around more." She leans over and hugs me, which earns an 'eyebrows pushed together' frown from Valerie. As soon as she's out of the cafe Valerie starts
"You've gotta be joking. Dude, she is the worst. What the fuck was that? She freaks out on you for having plans and after you invited her to sit she just talks about her shitty boyfriend the whole time? And you fan her ego in response? Dude."
"Yeah, I need, like, help or something. Like, I totally see how stupid the entire situation is at this point, but i dont know dude. There's a little thought in the back of my mind that all of this will be temporary and she'll come to her senses. She wasn't like that before she met him, ya know? I think the relationship has made her more insecure and I'm just trying to be supportive of her. She's still my best friend, ya know?"
"I guess. Kinda seems like your kindness and patience is getting taken advantage of though. Like, you're not a backup plan or a safety net and i think it really sucks that you're putting yourself in that role in the name of love."
"Yeah, you uh, you got me there."
"I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, I just don't think it's good that you're holding on to someone that's basically hiding you."
I run to the door before the first knock sequence finishes. I'm so excited to see Valerie, especially after lunch. I made some cheesy bread and beef stew to makeup for the soiled experience.
I whip the door open and I can feel a massive, stupid smile on my face as our eyes meet.
Her eyes are puffy and her face is red. My smile fades instantly and I pull her through the doorway gently by her shirt.
"Hey hey hey, what's wrong?" I pull her into a hug and rub her back and she releases a couple of muffled cries into my shoulder.
She sniffles and wipes her nose with the sleeve of her sweater after pulling away.
"I dunno dude, the sads are just hitting me right now, I'm sorry."
"Nonono don't apologize. The start of the semester is always hard. Are you hungry? Do you wanna talk about it? Do you wanna smoke? What do you wanna do?"
Her lips hold the posture of a smile frown and her eyes shrink as she puts her head in her hands. She breathes in sharply and shakes her hands as she exhales.
"Damn, I am..losing my shit? So weird, sorry for that. It's totally okay, but yeah, anyways, I am hungry."
I speed walk to the stovetop and make her a bowl. I place it in the spot she normally sits at and return to make myself a bowl.
"Hmmmm, honestly my mind is pretty blank right now. Play your go-to comfort movie."
"Okay." I scroll through hulu until I find my target. I click it on and we sink into the couch cushions. For a reason that I can't quite put my finger on, I put my hand over hers.
She squeezes my hand in return. In the corner of my eye i spot a tear roll down her cheek.
My vision is hazy as my eyelids lift. The end credits roll up the screen and i look over at Val. Her face is relaxed and her head is tilted back slightly. Our fingers are still interlocked and a warm feeling bubbles up in my chest.
I carefully remove my hand from hers. I switch the TV off and head over to the kitchen for clean up. I flick the lightswitch and sit next to Val.
In a light whisper, "Val, Val. Your neck is gonna hurt tomorrow if you stay in that position." She snaps awake.
"Hey, I'm so sorry oh my god. I can head out now."
"You don't have to. You can definitely stay over. When's your first class tomorrow?"
"I don't have class tomorrow."
"Perfect. You can borrow some of my pajamas, and i have, like, a shit ton of extra toothbrushes. You can totally stay here. I just didn't want you to wake up with a cramp in your neck or something."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
I head to my room and lay out my comfiest pajamas for her and i grab a toothbrush from the bottom drawer in my bathroom. While I'm there, i brush my teeth and wash my face. I set out a washcloth for Valerie so she can wash her face too.
She emerges from my room as i emerge from the bathroom. I don't know what possessed me to say this but I blurted it out without a second thought.
"You look cute in my clothes."
She stops in her tracks with widened eyes.
"Th-thanks? Maybe it's just your clothes that are cute."
"Nope, pretty sure it's you."
"Are you flirting with me?"
"I..don't think so? Does it sound like I'm flirting with you?"
"Nah, no, not at all." She says, waving away the conversation. We rush past each other. As soon as i close my closet door my jaw drops. What the hell was that? Jesus christ. I get changed with a quickness and slip into bed. She comes in a few moments later and lays next to me.
"Thanks for, like, dealing with me right now. I know I was kind of a buzzkill today."
"Oh my god Valerie. No you weren't. Like, at all. Honestly I've been sad too, so i think we are matching moods right now. I'm happy we have each other."
"really?"
"Of course."
"You weren't offended by what i said about Sabrina earlier, were you?"
"No, not really. I get where you're coming from and as much as i absolutely hate to say it, I don't disagree with you."
"Good. I was kind of worried that i overstepped there."
"Not even, you're just looking out for me."
She smiles at the ceiling and turns towards me.
"Do you have class tomorrow?"
"Not until the afternoon, why?"
"I can like, make us breakfast, since you made dinner."
The scent of sandalwood is present when i wake up. There's hair in my face. Valerie is in front of me and i have my arm looped around her waist. One of her hands is on top of mine, the other is holding her phone as she scrolls through her dash. My dog, gumball is curled up in the knook between her stomach and legs.
"Shit, sorry." I utter, quickly distancing myself
"Don't be. It was..nice. I think I needed that."
"Me too."
"So, are you hungry?"
"A little, how long have you been awake?"
"Like, twenty-ish minutes." She sits up and stretches her arms out. She balls up her fists and rubs her eyes.
"is your dad here?"
"No, I don't think so."
She nods and scoots to the edge of the bed, swinging her legs to the ground.
"You like omelettes?"
"Yeah."
"Dope."
I follow her out to the kitchen and watch her set up shop. She grabs eggs, salami, mozzarella, spinach, and a tomato.
"Is it okay if I use these?"
"Yeah of course. Help yourself."
She chops the meat and veggies and grates the cheese. I notice her separate the yolks and start on the omelettes. She serves mine first and puts hers to the side. She makes another one, only with yolks and cheese this time. I see her grab a paper plate from the cabinet and chop the omelette into tiny pieces.
She makes a couple of mouth clicks "Gumball" click click click.
Gumball runs out of my room and Valerie puts the plate down for her. She puts the ingredients up and the dishes in the sink and sits down next to me with her plate.
"This is, really good Val. Like masterchef level. Also thank you for making Gumball one, that's really sweet."
As the Seasons Pass ch. 2 "Early August" â A Sapphic fiction story
Synopsis: I'm gonna stop including the synopsis because the story is farther along now. If you're just now joining, check out one of the previous chapters linked in my pinned post:)
Contains: Character lore, confessions, emotional support, general bonding.
Warnings: Although there isn't smut in this chapter, this story as a whole is not intended for minors. If you're not 18+ please don't interact with this :))
"What about this one?" Val picks up the mini porcelain tea pot up with one hand and gestures to it with the other.
"My mom got that for me actually! It must've been, like, a year ago now."
"That's cool, how often do you get to visit with your mom?"
"Maybe once a year, she's kind of a mess though so i try to avoid it at this point."
"My mom's kind of like that too. What kind of mess is your mom? We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, though." She walks over to the bed and takes a seat. She's sitting criss-crossed in front of me, she rests her chin in her hands and cups her cheeks. Her eyes take ownership of the lighting, recycling it into tiny indigo stars. She's a really pretty person, her expressions have a quality i can only describe as angelic. She's such a refreshing friend to be around.
"She's just a really bad decision maker. How about yours?"
"Same type of thing. She hasn't been herself for a long time now and I think I've mostly adapted to it but sometimes I do still struggle with the difference between how she was and who she's become. I don't know, but we still talk pretty often. Does your mom live close by?"
"No, she's in-state but it's a five hour drive. Nothing too crazy, but yeah she's not close close. Have you thought about cutting contact with your mom? Or is that something that's out of the question for you?"
"I haven't really thought about it, to be honest. What about you?"
"Yeah, but I don't know if I really will. Minimal contact is... fulfilling enough I guess. It's just irritating. She begs me to talk to her more and see her more, but when I do she won't talk to me. Last time I saw her, we hung out for six hours after not seeing each other for over a year, right? She didn't even ask me how I've been. She didn't start one conversation with me and she treated me like I was a gnat for even attempting to talk to her. She doesn't even like me she just likes the idea of being a mom that likes her daughter. And that's lame. Then, before I leave, she starts crying and begging me to forgive her, and she always does that, she always bitches and moans about how her fuck ups have made her life so hard. How difficult it's been for her, she's never apologized because she's actually sorry. She just wants my hollow forgiveness to fit with her hollow apology so she can feel better about absolutely fucking me over but yeah I don't know I'm lowkey just blabbing at this point but yeah."
Her eyebrows furrow as she purses her lips together. Her eyes are glued downwards and she's nodding her head slowly. She places her hand over mine and looks up.
"Your mom sounds like...the worst. I don't know what she did but if this is how she's handling it, that tells me everything I need to know. You deserve a lot better, and I think the space you've made for yourself is really cool and I'm really happy to be in it. Obviously it's your mom, so I can't imagine it's been easy for you to move past it, but you haven't let it stop you from becoming who you are and that's really admirable. So yeah, sorry,, I don't really know what to say but I really appreciate you sharing that with me. You can always talk to me about stuff like that."
"Smoke break?"
"Sounds good."
I lean over towards my nightstand drawer to retrieve the supplies. I grab my speaker and hand it to Valerie.
"This is a good route." I say, gesturing to the left. Val follows behind me as we turn and walk down the trail. It doesn't take long for the trees to close in on us. The sun is setting, yet rays of sun find their way through the branches and leaves from above. Lavender cirrocumulus clouds decorate the sky above. They move from each other subtly, you'd only notice if you were really looking.
"Why do you always walk with your head down?"
"I dunno, I like to count my steps I guess. But not really count them. Does that make sense? I just keep counting from one to eight in a loop."
"Why only to eight?"
"It's even and doesn't feel as excessive as counting to ten."
I nod my head. "Valid."
I reach into my bag and pull out the altoids tin that I've carried around since my freshman year of high school. I pop the lid and retrieve the preroll.
"Fuck. Val, do you have a lighter?"
"Always." She scoops it from her pocket and hands it over to me.
"Do you wanna light it?" She nods her head in response and pinches the filter of the joint.
Her dimples expose themselves when she puffs. She exhales the smoke from the side of her mouth.
"Tried my best to get it even." She says as she hands it to me. As I reach to take it, I catch her eyes shift down and back up. She rolls her lips and her cheeks develop a pinkish tint.
The wind blows the smoke towards me as I hit it and my eyes start burning. I reach out to hand her the joint, rubbing my eyes after she takes it.
I recover and open my eyes to be met with her smiling softly. Her eyes fixed on me.
"You okay?" She passes again.
"Yeah," Inhale. "This is kind of, well no not kind of, this is extremely stupid, but can I ask you a question?" Pass.
Grab. "Of course you can" Inhale. Pass. Exhale.
Grab. Inhale. Exhale. "So like, just out of curiosity or whatever, like it's not a big deal or anything." Inhale. Pass. Exhale. "But, like, have you picked up on any, like, vibes between Sabrina and I after, like, seeing us together and stuff?"
Exhale. Pass. Her head jerks backwards. "What kind of vibes?" Her eyebrows are practically pressed together.
Exhale. Pass. "Like, the homosexual kind?"
Cough. Recover. Pass. "Sabrina? Your best friend, Sabrina? Sabrina with the boyfriend?"
"No no I'm good, you can finish it. But unfortunately, yeah, Sabrina my best friend with the boyfriend. I don't know, Sometimes it just seems like more but I don't know if I'm like, crazy or something, you know? So I was just wondering if you'd noticed anything like that."
"Honestly, I don't really pay attention to Sabrina. She seems pretty wrapped up in...whatever it is that she has going on. I guess. I don't think I've really seen y'all interact. This is definitely a stupid question, but do you, like, uh, want there to be the uh, homosexual vibes?"
"Unfortunately, yes." My face feels hot and my feet feel like they're sinking into the ground.
Her mouth does this odd combination of turning upwards and flattening out. "That is so cute. You would make a good couple. What is she even doing with Joel if she has you?"
"I KNOW RIGHT?!? It's insane to me he's such a loser."
"Yeah, he uh, he sucks pretty bad. She should, like, dump him and be with you or something ha. Lowkey it's kinda hot though, do you wanna head back to yours?"
"I knowwwwww, it's super lame. But yeah we can definitely head back, it's getting dark anyways. Oh yeah, you brought your camera, right? We should take a picture."
The corners of her mouth turn upwards and she pushes hand into her tote bag.
"Okay okay, first let me get one of you on the log."
"This log?"
"No Genie, the log on the other side of the trail. Yes that log. Silly goose."
"I am not the goose of this duo. That's your title."
"Pfff. Stop stalling the picture."
"Okokok"
"Okay, let's do a silly one and a serious one."
**
"Okokok, now one of both of us." I hop up from my seat and walk over. She turns the camera around.
"Do you wanna click it? Or trade sides? It's gonna look kind of awkward with my arm separating us."
"Truuee. I can click it!" Our fingers brush lightly as she hands it over. She moves closer and puts her arm around my shoulders. She pulls me a little closer and I wrap my arm around her waist. Platonically, of course. I look over to see her facing away from me.
"Kind of, yeah. I have cotton mouth too. Feeling so tormented right now."
"I'll get you some water, or do you want juice? We have some SunnyD right now." She nods her head and I walk over to the fridge.
"What are you hungry for?"
"What do you have?"
"That is. An outstanding question. I am not sure. There's some bacon in here, I know we have potatoes too. Are you into potato soup? Cause I feel like potato soup would be really.....important for my psyche right now..."
"Potato soup would cure me of all ailments. Yes." She grabs the cup from my hand and drinks the entire thing with no pause.
"Wow. You needed that."
I grab the potatoes and start prepping for the soup.
"What can I help you with?"
"Ohemgee Valerie, don't even worry about it. Just relax. You could bring out my laptop and find something for us to watch if you want."
She perks up and hurries to the counter. "Absolutely."
She breezes through the stock like she's Gordon Ramsay or something.
"Jesus Christ, how'd you reach that level of skill? Like what?"
"Cooking is actually, like, my main thing. I was actually considering going to culinary school when I graduated high school."
"Really? Why didn't you? How long have you been cooking? Who taught you how to cook? I need the entire story, actually."
"Typical backstory, Grandma taught me, I kept doing it because it reminds me of her. The first thing she taught me to make was tomato soup. I think that was when I was twelve-ish. I decided not to go to culinary school because I don't want cooking to end up feeling like a job. That's just not how I want my relationship with it to evolve."
"What's your favorite thing to make?"
"Tomato soup. Honestly soup in general, I think that's my favorite food."
"Duuude. I'm so sorry I bogarted the process, I didn't know this was like, your thing."
"Oh my gosh, no, not at all. I enjoy cooking, but it's also really sweet when someone cooks for you. I enjoy that just as much. I really appreciate that you, like, did pretty much everything. Can I hug you?"
I put my arms out and she pulls me in to a big bear hug. The woody-vanilla scent present.
"This is really good. Next time I have to make you something. And then we can just take turns. What are your favorite foods?"
"That would be so cool, I'm also pretty pro-soup. I don't think I have a favorite. I'm not big on broccoli cheddar, though."
"Bet. Soup girls. Soup season. Kind of off topic, but are you taking any classes this semester?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna take a couple art classes at CC. What are you taking? Also, I've never seen you on campus, do you go to CC too, or are you in a University?"
"Oh, we go to the same school actually, I saw you around a couple times. I'm majoring in Anthropology."
"What? That's dope, dude. We have to start meeting for lunch together or something."
Some more obscure and / or underrated lesbian literature : An incomplete list made by a lesbian in hopes of making other sapphics happy
(I havenât read all of them)
Sorted by years (this rapidly became a history lesson of lesbian literature sorry Iâm a nerd)
Ancient times
(A good article about lesbians in ancient greece / rome)
Queen Zhuang Jiang ćșć§ (???- BC 690) / We know about Sappho and Enheduanna, but what about her? She wrote poems some of which were, uh, pretty gay. I learnt about her here. It is said than her poems are in The Book of Songs (which is a collection of ancient Chinese poetry). I couldnât find a lot about her but I found enough to believe than (hopefully) she was a real person and the internet isn't lying to me.
Dialogues of the courtesans - Lucian of Samosata (somewhere in the second century BC) / Basically Dialogues of the courtesans is a collection of dialogues between well, courtesans (prostitutes). Either between themselves or between clients. One of the dialogues is called âThe Lesbiansâ. Link to read (somehow finding a pdf of Dialogues of the courtesans is pretty hard but reading it chapter by chapter online itâs not??)
The Babyloniaka - Iamblichus (somewhere in the second century AC) / Lost novel, so all you need to know is here
Of course we canât forget this Pompeii poem
1200s
Bieiris de Romans (somewhere in the first half of the 1200s) / Bieiris was a French poet, and we only have one of her poems with us because the others have been lost. We donât know much (anything) about her, except that she was a woman, French, and who wrote about a woman called Maria. Some say that this mysterious Maria referred to the Virgin Mary, others than Maria was her gf, and others than she was writing in the perspective of a man (because obviously a woman writing about other women in a not so platonic way is unthinkable). Anyway, feel free to get your own conclusions, hereâs the poem (translated)
1500s
The Sword and the Pen: Women, Politics, and Poetry in Sixteenth-Century Siena - Konrad Eisenbichler / So while this is a modern book, it is the only one Iâve been able to find than includes Laudomia Forteguerriâs poems (1515-1555). Some historians considered her to be the earliest Italian lesbian writer. âAlthough only six of her sonnets have survived, all are testaments to the love she bore for other women, and five are specifically dedicated to Margaret of Austria.â
The Maitland Quarto / Manuscript (1586) / So, this is a collection of 95 scot poems, and poem 49 is pretty sapphic. Itâs technically anonymous, but it has been attributed to Marie Maitland (who transcripted the manuscript and is thought to have added her own poems there). The last lines mean â'There is more constancy in our sex / Than ever among men has beenâ, I havenât been able to translate the rest of it. The poem.
1600s
The Flower's Shadow Behind the Curtain - Ko Lien Hua Ying (somewhere in the 1600s) / It is said this book was written towards the end of the Ming dynasty (1368 to 1644). Itâs a erotic book, and chapter 22 includes an erotic story between two 16 year old girls. I found it in Sex in China: Studies in Sexology in Chinese Culture by Fang Fu Ruan (believe it or not, I donât just randomly know all this books, I did research)
Aphra Behn (1640-1689) / English writer, one of the first female writers to live through her writing. She was also a spy. She wrote a lot about women. âHomoeroticism is standard in Behn's verse, either in descriptions such as these of male to male relationships or in depictions of her own attractions to women. Behn was married and widowed early, and as a mature woman her primary publicly acknowledged relationship was with a gay male, John Hoyle, himself the subject of much scandal.â (here). She wrote a lesbian love poem (in the link before, it also makes an analysis of it). The poem: To The Fair Clarinda
The Game of Flats - Nicholas Rowe? (1715) / Poem, âgame of flatsâ was an 18th century slang for lesbian sex. Link to read <- that website includes lots of 18th century queer history and poems like this one
The Sappho-an - Anonymous (1735 or 1749) / When I first heard of this I couldnât believe it. It sounds like an AO3 fanfic, or some modern erotic book (one of those than have a real person in the cover), or maybe a forgotten 1970s lesbian book. Itâs none of that. Itâs an anonymous poem written in the 1700s. The plot? The goddesses of Olympus are sexually unsatisfied because the gods keep on going after mortals (except Ares, heâs just too busy with war) instead of paying attention to them. The gods keep going after woman and male mortals, so Hera just says yknow what if they can sleep with men then we can sleep with each other. Sappho also appears. Link to read.
Fanny Hill, Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure - John Cleland (1742) / Ok fine, this one is not sapphic but the main character (female) does have sex with a woman at one point. This is basically an erotic novel. Very dirty (specially for the time period) and very banned in lots of places. The main character is Fanny, a prostitute. It includes lots of straight sex, some gay (mlm) sex, and two pages where Fanny describes in detail having sex with Phoebe, bisexual prostitute. Not sapphic, but thought it was worth mentioning.
1810s
Christabel - Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1816) / So, have you heard of Carmilla (1872)? If youâre reading this post, you probably have, if you havenât, itâs a classic (vampire) book than is said to have inspired Bram Stoker to write Dracula. Itâs also incredibly gay. Well, some say it was Christabel than was the inspiration for Carmilla. Of course we donât know this for sure, but the similarities definitely are there. Review from a reader: âwhat if we were the protagonist and villain of a never-completed sensual gothic poem (and we were both girls) / alternately: when you meet a wickedhot girl only she's SPOOKY but that's SEXY and turns out your dad and her dad were also gay back in the day before having a sexy gay falling-out and she's like 'babe let's get naked and hold each other close' and you're like 'âwait fuck I mean uhhhh I PRETEND I DO NOT SEE IT!'â I havenât read this one, however for what it seems Christabel is not explicitly a vampire. Since the poem is unfinished we donât know the end, and we just think sheâs a vampire because so many things used in here were also reused for vampires characterization (like not being able to enter a house unless invited)
Mademoiselle Giraud, My Wife - Adolphe Belot (1870) / âThe sensational Mademoiselle Giraud, My Wife tells of the suffering of a naive young man whose new bride will not agree to consummate the marriage. Eventually he learns from an acquaintance, to his amazement, that their wives are lovers.â In reviews it says than this is a homophobic novel (whoâs surprised) but âChristopher Rivers argues in his introduction that the protagonist's homophobic attitude toward lesbianism is ironically linked to his intimate homosocial bonds with menâ
1880s
Jill - Amy Dillwyn (1884) / âJill is the story of an unconventional heroineâa gentlewoman who disguises herself as a maid and runs away to London in search of adventure after her mother dies and her father is pursued by a Victorian gold-digger. Once in London she uses her position as lady's maid to become close to her mistress. Her life above and below stairs is portrayed with irreverent wit in this fast-paced story, but at the centre of the novel is Jill's unfolding love for the woman she works for. On the surface a feminist manifesto, Jill is a poignant story of same-sex desire and unrequited love. A new introduction tells the autobiographical story on which the novel is based âthe author's own passionate attachment to a woman she called her wife, but who she couldn't have.â
Avant la nuit / Before the dark - Marcel Proust (1893) / Short story (seriously, less than 10 pages). I read it the other day before bed and itâs pretty good. Talks about Françoise, a woman, revealing her homosexuality to her friend Leslie.
The Songs of Bilitis - Pierre LouĂżs (1894) / Poetry. However, believe it or not, these were not written by a woman but by a man. Why add it then, well, the story is quite original. The author (Pierre LouĂżs) published this verses as written in Ancient Greece by a âdisciple of sapphoâ named Bilitis. He created this whole character, she was a woman, she was a poet, she was a sappho disciple, her work has been lost until now, and she was a huge lesbian. Of course, this is not true, but still, itâs an interesting read. âBetween their open celebration of lesbian love and the eventual revelation of their true authorshipâthe verses actually were written by French novelist and poet Pierre LouĂżsâthey became a succĂšs de scandale. Although debunked as a work of antiquity, The Songs of Bilitis remains a classic of erotic literature.â
1900s
A Woman's Affair - Liane de Pougy (1901) / "Despite her beauty and her riches, Annhine de Lys, one of the most notorious courtesans of 1890s Paris, is bored and restless. Into her life bursts Flossie, a young American woman, and everything changes. The love she offers Annhine is dangerous, perverse and hard to resist. Ignoring the warnings of her best friend, Annhine encourages the affair."
I Await the Devil's Coming - Mary MacLane (1902) / âMary MacLane's I Await the Devil's Coming is a shocking, brave and intelectually challenging diary of a 19-year-old girl living in Butte, Montana in 1902. Written in potent, raw prose that propelled the author to celebrity upon publication, the book has become almost completely forgotten. In the early 20th century, MacLane's name was synonymous with sexuality; she is widely hailed as being one of the earliest American feminist authors, and critics at the time praised her work for its daringly open and confesional style. In its first month of publication, the book sold 100,000 copies--a remarkable number for a debut author, and one that illustrates MacLane's broad appeal.â Sheâs pretty sapphic and claims her (female) lit teacher is her true love. Also an excerpt from a Goodreads review: âShe awaits the Devil to come and marry her and bring happiness if only for three days, meanwhile rehearsing suicide. She prays to the Devil to deliver her from âunripe bananas; from bathless people; from a waist-line that slopes up in the front" but offers sensuous instructions on how to eat an olive, and enjoys porterhouse steaks and fudge she makes with brown sugar. It's quite a ride. Many recent reviewers pigeonhole her as an ahead-of-her-time Goth or emo, simply transcribing an eternal and universal teen angst.â
Q.E.D. - Gertrude Stein (1903) - Autobiographical short story about a love triangle between three women; Adele (Stein), Mabel, manipulative and wealthy, and Helen, who seduces Adele.
Despised & Rejected - Rose Allatini (1918) / A gay man and a lesbian are friends during WWI, which they are against (an anti-war novel). I think the book is in the perspective of the gay man, but his friend is also a main character.
The Scorpion - Anna Elisabet Weirauch (1919) / A review by a reader: âThis book felt more like historical fiction than a novel actually written in 1919-1932, considering the explicitly lesbian relationships and coming of age and coming out style narrative. The story follows the life of Metta, a lesbian who grew up with a controlling family in Berlin. The narrative follows her from her first crush on her manipulative governess, to her first love the older and intelectual Olga, and her foray into the gay scene in Munich and beyond. The story isn't without suffering and it isn't just a love story despite how much you might want it to be. Definite trigger warnings for suicide (not Metta), poor mental health, homophobia and general cringe comments due to the time of writing. But the point of the book is for Metta to find a way to be, a way to live her life comfortably and happily, essentially to find herself.â
1920s
The Bacheloress - Victor Marqueritte (1922) / âMonique is an emancipated French woman who leaves home to escape a marriage of convenience to a man whom her parents have forced on her. She then succumbs to all sorts of carnal temptations including a lesbian love affair with a singer. The scandal provoked by Victor Margueritte's La Garçonne, here translated as The Bacheloress, led to its author having his legion d'honneur revoked, which only propelled this novel about a brazenly independent "new woman" to best-seller status. What was shocking then was not so much the reckless behavior of its heroine, who is depicted as the victim of psychological torment, but the portrait of the corrupt post-WWI society in which she lives. Authentic as Monique is, the types of love she encounters, set against the hostile and contemptuous portrayal of her peers, only amplifies her struggle.â
Yellow Rose - Nobuko Yoshiva (1923) / This is the only book than has been translated by this author, she was a lesbian who wrote Class-S romance (a Japanese book genre of the time, which focused on lesbian / homoerotic relationships between women [so-called romantic friendships], than usually take place in an all-girls boarding school). This specific story talks about a teacher-student relationship. She has other books, one called Yaneura no nishojo (two virgins in the attic) (1919) which isnât translated, but sounds good, the story âis thought to be semi-autobiographical, and describes a female-female love experience with her dormmate. In the last scene, the two girls decide to live together as a couple. This work, in attacking male-oriented society, and showing two women as a couple after they have finished secondary education presents a strong feminist attitude, and also reveals Yoshiya's own lesbian sexual orientationâ.
Freundinnen: ein Roman unter Frauen / Girlfriends: a Novel among Women - Maximiliane Ackers (1923) / Only in German, not translated. Review from an English reader: âThis novelâwhich went through several editions in the 20s before being banned by the Nazisâis uncompromisingly, heartbreakingly queer. The novel tells the story of the love between two actresses in Wiemar Germany, Ruth and Erika. Both women struggle to support themselves on the stage, to live independently, and to come to terms with their love for each other and how they might live and express themselves and their desire.â
Surplus - Sylvia Stevenson (1924) / Review from a reader: âThis book should be included in lists of seminal lesbian fiction. Published in 1924, Surplus is the story of Sally Wraith's young adult adventures after the end of WWI, during which period she served as an ambulance driver. The novel is not explicit and dos not detail a physical relationship between Sally and her romantic friend Averil but Sally refers to Averil as her "dream girl" with whom she wants to spend the rest of her life. This novel was published before Radclyffe Hall's Well of Loneliness , which is often hailed for its early negative portrayal of homophobia. But I find it compelling that Sally's love for Averil is not treated as deviant. It's just tragic for any babydyke to fall in love with a straight girl!â
The Captive - Eduard Bourdet (1926) / Theatre, âIrĂšne is a lesbian tortured by her love for Madame d'Aiguines, but pretending engagement to Jacques (man). Though IrĂšne attempts to leave Madame d'Aiguines and marry Jacques, she returns to the relationship, saying that it is "a prison to which I must return captive, despite myself". Madame d'Aiguines is not seen in the play, but leaves behind nosegays of violets for IrĂšne, as a symbol of her love.â Read here
HERmione - H.D (1927) / âThis autobiographical novel, an interior self-portrait of the poet H. D. (1886-1961) is what can best be described as a find, âa posthumous treasureâ. In writing HERmione, H.D. returned to a year in her life that was peculiarly blighted. She was in her early twentiesâa disappointment to her father, an odd duckling to her mother, an importunate, overgrown, unincarnated entity that had no place... Waves to fight against, to fight against alone... âI am Hermione Gart, a failureâ âshe cried in her dementia, âI am Her, Her, Her.â She had failed at Bryn Mawr, she felt hemmed in by her family, she did not yet know what she was going to do with her life. The return from Europe of the wild-haired George Lowndes (Ezra Pound) expanded her horizons but threatened her sense of self. An intense new friendship with Fayne Rabb (Frances Josepha Gregg), an odd girl who was, if not lesbian, then certainly of bisexual bent, brought an atmosphere that made her hold on everyday reality more tenuous. This stormy course led to mental breakdown, then to a turning point and a new beginning as her own true self, as Her"
Dusty Answer - Rosamond Lehmann (1927) / Coming of age story of Judith Earle, sensitive, lonely, who grew up as an only child, but with 4 neighbors (all cousins) to make her company (and eventually harbor romantic feelings for). Then she moves to college, where she meets Jennifer and enters a relationship with her. Although the relationship is not explicitly romantic.
The Angel and the Perverts - Lucie Delarue-Mardrus (around 1930) / "Set in the lesbian and gay circles of Paris in the 1920s, The Angel and the Perverts tells the story of a hermaphrodite born to upper class parents in Normandy and ignorant of his/her physical difference. As an adult, s/he lives a double life as Marion/Mario, passing undetected as a lesbian in the literary salons of the times, and as a gay man in the cocaine dens made famous by Colette." Technically not lesbian, but itâs âset in the lesbian cercles of Parisâ
Broderie Anglaise - Violet Trefusis (1935) / Technically not a lesbian novel, but by a sapphic author. Do you know about Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West? Of course you do, everyone does. However, do you know than Violet Trefusis used to be Vitaâs lover? They dated as teens and again as adults. Thereâs this whole gay toxic romantic circle between Violet, Vita, and Virginia. Violet wrote this book where sheâs basically adding Vita, Virginia, and herself into the characters and dissing them. The plot centers on an encounter between Alexa, a celebrated English writer (Virginia), and her rival, Anne (Violet), and their discussion about their mutual lover, Lord Shorne (Vita).
Summer Will Show - Sylvia Townsend Warner (1936) / Sophia Willoughby's husband has a mistress who he cheats on her with. So she grabs him and packs him up to Paris with his mistress. She'll raise their children and he can have his mistress all day long if he wants, what she wants is to not see him. Sadly, her children die, and she goes to Paris, where she'll find her husband's mistress, and the two of them start an affair with eachother.
Diana: A Strange Autobiography - Diana Frederics (1939) / â«This is the unusual and compelling story of Diana, a tantalizingly beautiful woman who sought love in the strange by-paths of Lesbos. Fearless and outspoken, it dares to reveal that hidden world where perfumed caresses and half-whispered endearments constitute the forbidden fruits in a Garden of Eden where men are never accepted». This is how A Strange Autobiography was described when it was published in paperback in 1952. The original 1939 hardcover edition carried with it a Publisher's This is the autobiography of a woman who tried to be normal. In the book, Diana is presented as the unexceptional daughter of an unexceptional plutocratic family. During adolescence, she finds herself drawn with mysterious intensity to a girl friend. The narrative follows Diana's progress through college; a trial marriage that proves she is incapable of heterosexuality; intelectual and sexual education in Europe; and a series of lesbian relationships culminating in a final tormented triangular struggle with two other women for the individual salvation to be found in a happy couple.â
1940s
Hidden Path - Elena FortĂșn (somewhere around the 1940s) / Maria Luisa grows up on 1910s/1920s Spain. She is a peculiar girl, one who despises wearing dresses and wants to dress as a sailor, who could spend all day reading, who loves painting, and who swears she will never marry. Oh, and she's also a lesbian. Based on the author's life Maria Luisa is kind of the author's alter ego, and it follows her from childhood to adulthood while dealing with a world not created with people like her in mind. (Not published until 2016)
El Pensionado de Santa Casilda / The Boarding School of Saint Casilda - Elena FortĂșn (somewhere around the 1940s) / This book is not translated, but if you know spanish I recommend to pick it up. A group of 14/15 year old girls who go to the same spanish all-girls boarding school, and they are all in love with each other. It follows them into adulthood and how they navigate their lives being women and lesbians in the past (Not published until 2022). Messy lesbians at its finest. Like, seriously. Lesbians still in love with their ex and not over their first love, dating their friends and their ex friend, and the ex of their friend, and having sugar mommies, etc etc
1960s
Winter Love - Han Suyin (1962) / âAs a college student in London during the bitterly cold winter of 1944, Red falls in love with her married classmate Mara. Their affair unleashes a physical passion, a jealousy, and a sense of self-doubt that sweep all her previous experiences aside and will leave her changed forever. Set against the rubble of the bombed city, in a time of gray austerity and deprivation, Winter Love recalls a life at its most vivid.â
The Chinese Garden - Rosemary Manning (1962) / âA "very intelligent, sensitive, and compelling" novel of adolescent rebellion and sexual awakening at a girls' boarding school (Anthony Burgess). Set in a repressive British girls' boarding school in the late 1920sâwhere not only sexuality but femininity is squashedâthe novel is the coming-of-age story of sixteen-year-old Rachel, a sensitive, bright, and innocent student. Rachel finds refuge from the Spartan conditions, strict regime, fierce discipline, and formidable headmistress at Bampfield in a secret garden. She also finds friendship there, with a rebellious girl named Margaret. As Margaret has her mind expanded by a scandalous tome entitled The Well of Loneliness, she engages in a bold, forbidden actâthe ultimate transgression at Bampfieldâand Rachel is drawn into the turmoil. Confronted with the persecution of her friend and troubled by a growing awareness of her own sensuality, Rachel faces an imposible choice that drives her to desperate measures.â
The Microcosm - Maureen Duffy (1966) / âAt the House of Shades, Matt, a bar-room philosopher, tries to make sense of the disparate lives which cross here -- of Judy who saves herself and her finery for a Saturday night lover, of Steve the gym teacher who dreads a chance encounter with a pupil in this twilight environment, and of Matt herself, who needs these vicarious exchanges despite the security of her relationship with Rae and her sense that this lesbian sanctuary is a prison too, enforcing the guilt and estrangement of the city streets beyond. Elsewhere there are women such as Marie, trapped within an unwanted marriage and unable to admit her sexuality, and Cathy, for whom the discovery that she is not 'the only one in the world' is an affirmation of her existence. With its innovative structure and style, perfectly mirroring the voices and experiences of women forced by society to live on the margins, The Microcosm remains as powerful today as when originally published in 1966.â
1970s
Beginning with O - Olga Broumas (1977) / A poetry collection by a lesbian, greek writer.
The Same Sea as Every Summer - Esther Tusquets (1978) / A stream-of-consciousness type book, by an author who has been compared to Virginia Woolf. âPoetic and erotic, El mismo mar de todos los veranos ( The Same Sea As Every Summer ) was originally published in Spain in 1978, three years after the death of Franco and in the same year that government censorship was abolished. But even in a new era that fostered more liberal attitudes toward divorce, homosexuality, and women's rights, this novel by Esther Tusquets was controversial. Its feminine view of sexuality (in particular, its depiction of a lesbian relationship) was unprecedented in Spanish fiction. The disillusioned narrator of The Same Sea As Every Summer is a middle-aged woman whose unhappy life prompts a journey into she past to rediscover a more authentic self. However, events force her to realize that love or trust will inevitably be repaid by betrayal. This pattern assumes various forms in a story that moves forward as well as backward, playing out in Barcelona among the haute bourgeoisie. Richly textured with allusion, The Same Sea As Every Summer is also a commentary on post-Civil War Spanish society by an author who grew up during the repressive Franco regime.â
AsĂ es: Mi vida 3 - Victorina DurĂĄn (somewhere in the late 1970s) / So, not translated but has great historical value. Basically, this is the third book out of Victorinaâs memories that she wrote in the 70s. Victorina (1899 - 1993) was so cool. She was an icon. She was a sceneographer, a painter, a costume designer, writer (aside from her memories, she has some theatre plays), etc. She actually wanted to be an actress. She was part of the CĂrculo SĂĄfico de Madrid (the sapphic club of Madrid, a club made out of her and her friends, who were sapphic) among others. She never hid her sexuality. She was friends with almost all the importante well known people in 1920s / 1930s Spain. This book is the third one out of her memories, and itâs focused explicitly on her relationships (all with women). She said she wanted to focus on them and give them a book of their own, so this is of great historical value, giving insights into the queer spaces, lesbian scene, wlw relationships and being gay at that time. I need to read it so bad if someone has a pdf please tell me Iâll send them my fanfic wips
1980s
On Strike against God - Joanna Russ (1980) / âA lost feminist masterwork by feminist and speculative fiction icon, Joanna Russ, about a young lesbian's coming-to-consciousness during the social upheaval of the 1970s. When Esther, a recently divorced professor, has her first lesbian love affair, the fallout brings her everyday miseries into focus and precipitates a personal crisis. She flees her small, upstate New York college town, grapples with gender confusion and the ghosts of therapists past, and fumbles her way through comedic sexual self-discovery, oscillating all the while between visionary confidence and debilitating self-doubt. Confronted with the homophobia of straight feminists and the misogyny of gay men, Esther is left to forge a language for her feminism and her burgeoning lesbian desire. On Strike Against God is quintessentially experimental but accesible, alternately wry and earnest, poignantly didactic, playful, and emotionally charged.â From a review: âFor anyone like me who's unfamiliar with the quote which inspired the title: A judge was sentencing a picketer from the early twentieth century shirtwaist-makers strike (the first large scale strike by women), and he told her, "You are striking against God and Nature, whose law is that man shall earn his bread by the sweat of his brow. You are on strike against God!"
Faultline - Sheila Ortiz Taylor (1982) / âAn outrageous, zesty, funny Lesbian novel; the adventures of a Lesbian mother with six children, three hundred rabbits, and very relaxed attitude."
The Swashbuckler - Lee Lynch (1985) / "Frenchy Tonneau leaves her closeted home in the Bronx for the bars of New York City, the freedom of Provincetown, and the liberation of Greenwich Village in the 1960s and 1970s. Her hangouts, her women, her small yet universal world tell the stories of the times - and the stories of lesbians today. A timeless journey and a riveting read, The Swashbuckler is heart-wrenching, heartwarming, and unforgettable." Butch main character, lesbian life in the 60s/70s, lesbian-feminism, butchfemme, etc.
Lovers' choice - Becky Birtha (1987) / A collection of eleven short stories about lesbian women.
1990s
Out Of Time - Paula Martinac (1990) / Susan finds an old photograph album with pictures from the 1920s, all pictures being of a group of women (four in total). She's told it's not for sale, but she steals it anyway. After some digging, she finds out than two of the girls from the photos were lovers! And not only is Susan trying to navigate the details of her life and of her relationship with her own girlfriend, but she obsesses over the women in the picture, and eventually, the spirits of the girls start to haunt her.
The Gilda Stories - Jewele Gomez (1991) / Gilda escaped from slavery in the 1850s, until she's taken by a vampire who (consensually) turns her into a vampire too. Gilda moves through the decades finding community and connections and helping people, and slowly builds a place for herself in time. (Fine, not actually obscure since Iâve seen it all around the internet, but it just sounds so good)
Annabel and I - Chris Anne Wolfe (1996) / Plot summed up by a reader: âHalf-orphaned Jenny-Wren spends her summers at her uncle Jake's fishing lodge on Lake Chautauqua. One summer day when she's twelve years old while boating with her uncle, she finds a girl on the end of a dock reaching futilely for her escaped model boat. Jenny swims over and rescues the boat, meeting the orphaned Annabel, spending her summers at her grandmother's summer estate. This begins a friendship that endures and grows for years as the two girls spent each summer together, only to be separated at the end of summer. As the two grow older, they realize a magic is at work that keeps bringing them together, despite the near century between them. As the summers come and go, the two young women discover their love for each other, and the realization that their love is imposible. Can their love persist beyond those fleeting summers and flourish, in the face of time?â. Review from a reader: âThe foreword says this book is for all wlw, and that, "Because there are as many different ways to love a woman as there are women who love women; it's the loving, not the label, that really matters." That really captured the core of what this book does, it treasures the love we create with our bare hands for and with another woman.â A time travel romance (Jenny is from the 1980s, Annabel from 1890s)
Ain't Gonna Be the Same Fool Twice - April Sinclair (1996) / Bisexual mc. âJean "Stevie" Stevenson, the indomitable heroine of "Coffee Will Make You Black," is backâsomewhat older and wiser, with some experience and a college degree -- diving headfirst into the hot tub, free love, yoga, and vegetarian lifestyle of 1970s San Francisco. In this liberating new world of raised consciousness, mind-expanding, and disco-dancing, a soul sister with passion and daring has room to experiment with life and love to find out who she "really" is.â
Beyond the Pale - Elana Dykewomon (1997) / âThe story of two Jewish women living through times of darkness and inhumanity in the early 20th century, capturing their undaunted love and courage in luminous and moving prose. The richly textured novel details Gutke Gurvich's odyssey from her apprenticeship as a midwife in a Russian shtetl to her work in the suffrage movement in New York. Interwoven with her tale is that Chava Meyer, who was attended by Gurvich at her birth and grew up to survive the pogrom that took the lives of her parents. Throughout the book, historical background plays a large part: Jewish faith and traditions, the practice of midwifery, the horrific conditions in prerevolutionary Russia and New York sweatshops, and the determined work of labor unionists and suffragists." While it is a romance, it's also more than that, it's about the life of Jewish women in the 20th century.
Crystal Diary - Frankie Hucklenbroich (1997) / âFrankie Hucklenbroich's razor-edged, compelling, often wryly humorous story hustles us from the blood-and-beer-drenched corners of her St. Louis meat-packing district '50s youth, through the sex-soaked Hollywood alleys of her '60s baby butch years, into the druggy metropolis of '70s San Francisco. Moving relentlessly from one woman to another until faces and bodies blur, scamming her existence, learning what the street has to how to make a buck, how to make it with a woman, how to court the dangers of crystal meth, how to survive.â
Hers 3 - Terry Wolverton (1999) / Short stories
2000s
Valencia - Michelle Tea (2000) / "Valencia is the fast-paced account of one girl's search for love and high times in the drama-filled dyke world of San Francisco's Mission District. Through a string of narrative moments, Tea records a year lived in a world of girls: there's knife-wielding Marta, who introduces Michelle to a new world of radical sex; Willa, Michelle's tormented poet-girlfriend; Iris, the beautiful boy-dyke who ran away from the South in a dust cloud of drama; and Iris's ex, Magdalena Squalor, to whom Michelle turns when Iris breaks her heart."
Naked in the Promised Land: A Memoir - Lillian Faderman (2003) / âBorn in 1940, Lillian Faderman is the only child of an uneducated and unmarried Jewish woman who left Latvia to seek a better life in America. Lillian grew up in poverty, but fantasised about becoming an actress. When her dreams led to the dangerous, seductive world of the sex trade and sham-marriages in Hollywood of the fifties, she realised she was attracted to women, and that show-biz is as cruel as they say. Desperately seeking to make her life meaningful, she studied at Berkeley; paying her way by working as a pin-up model and burlesque dancer, hiding her lesbian affairs from the outside world. At last she became a brilliant student and the woman who becomes a loving partner, a devoted mother, an acclaimed writer and ground-breaking pioneer of gay and lesbian scholarship. Told with wrenching immediacy and great power, Naked in the Promised Land is the story of an exceptional woman and her remarkable, unorthodox life.â
Her Naked Skin - Rebecca Lenkiewicz (2008) / Theatre. âMilitancy in the Suffragette Movement is at its height. Thousands of women of all classes serve time in Holloway Prison in their fight to gain the vote. Amongst them is Lady Celia Cain who feels trapped by both the policies of the day and the shackles of a frustrating marriage. Inside, she meets a young seamstress, Eve Douglas, and her life spirals into an erotic but dangerous chaos. London 1913. A crucial moment when, with emancipation almost in sight, women refuse to let the establishment stand in their way.â
The Rain Before it Falls - Jonathan Coe (2008) / âA story of three generations of women whose destinies reach from the English countryside in World War Il to London, Toronto, and southern France at the turn of the new century. Evacuated to Shropshire during the Blitz, eight-year-old Rosamond forged a bond with her cousin Beatrix that augured the most treasured and devastating moments of her life. She recorded these memories sixty years later, just before her death, on cassettes she bequeathed to a woman she hadn't seen in decades. When her beloved niece, Gill, plays the tapes in hopes of locating this unwitting heir, she instead hears a family saga swathed in promise and the story of how Beatrix, starved of her mother's affection, conceived a fraught bloodline that culminated in heart-stopping tragedyâits chief victim being her own granddaughter. And as Rosamond explores the ties that bound these generations together and shaped her experience all along, Gill grows increasingly haunted by how profoundly her own recollections--not to mention the love she feels for her grown daughters, listening alongside her-- are linked to generations of women she never knew. A stirring, masterful portrait of motherhood and family secrets, "The Rain Before It Falls" is also a meditation on the tapestries we weave out of the past, whether transcendent or horrific.â
2010s
When We Were Outlaws - Jeanne Cordova (2011) / "A sweeping memoir, a raw and intimate chronicle of a young activist torn between conflicting personal longings and political goals. When We Were Outlaws offers a rare view of the life of a radical lesbian during the early cultural struggle for gay rights, Women's Liberation, and the New Left of the 1970s. Brash and ambitious, activist Jeanne Cordova is living with one woman and falling in love with another, but her passionate beliefs tell her that her first duty is "to the revolution".âto change the world and end discrimination against gays and lesbians."
Jigsaw Youth - Tiffany Scandal (2015) / âLose your best friend because you finally Came Out. Spend days driving aimlessly because there's nothing to do. Serve your rapist breakfast because you need your job. Fall asleep to gunshots and sirens because that's the only sense of home you've ever known. Hold hands with ghosts. Your life is in pieces, but you can't be broken. Wipe off the blood. Tired of being told who to be, what to wear, how to act and who to fuck. Break the rules and learn fast how to never get caught. All you need is nothing, but you're happy with your car, guitar and camera. Throwing around polaroids of tits like they're money, you swap stories about adventures and realize that we're all running away from something.â
Creatures of Will & Temper - Molly Tanzer (2017) / Recommended as a sapphic picture of dorian gray retelling, it tells the story of Dorina (hedonistic, art lover, and woman-kisser), her older sister Evadne (fencer and responsable), Lady Henrietta (suit-wearing, cigar-smoking lesbian who is a horrible influence), and Basil, Dorina and Evadne's uncle, and who's character has not changed much. They also summon demons.
The Adventures of China Iron - Gabriela CabezĂłn CĂĄmara (2017) / â1872. The pampas of Argentina. China is a young woman eking out an existence in a remote gaucho encampment. After her no-good husband is conscripted into the army, China bolts for freedom, setting off on a wagon journey through the pampas in the company of her new-found friend Liz, a settler from Scotland. While Liz provides China with a sentimental education and schools her in the nefarious ways of the British Empire, their eyes are opened to the wonders of Argentina's richly diverse flora and fauna, cultures and languages, as well as to the ruthless violence involved in nation-building. This subversive retelling of Argentina's foundational gaucho epic MartĂn Fierro is a celebration of the colour and movement of the living world, the open road, love and sex, and the dream of lasting freedom. With humour and sophistication, Gabriela CabezĂłn CĂĄmara has created a joyful, hallucinatory novel that is also an incisive critique of national myths.â
2020s
Thirst - Marina Yuszczuk (2020) / âAcross two different time periods, two women confront fear, loneliness, mortality, and a haunting yearning that will not let them rest. It is the twilight of Europe's bloody bacchanals, of murder and feasting without end. In the nineteenth century, a vampire arrives from Europe to the coast of Buenos Aires and, for the second time in her life, watches as villages transform into a cosmopolitan city, one that will soon be ravaged by yellow fever. She must adapt, intermingle with humans, and be discreet. In present-day Buenos Aires, a woman finds herself at an impasse as she grapples with her mother's terminal illness and her own relationship with motherhood. When she first encounters the vampire in a cemetery, something ignites within the two women-and they cross a threshold from which there's no turning back. With echoes of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and written in the vein of feminist Gothic writers like Shirley Jackson, Daphne du Maurier, and Carmen Maria Machado, Thirst plays with the boundaries of genre while exploring the limits of female agency, the consuming power of desire, and the fragile vitality of even the most immortal of creatures.â Lesbian vampires!
The Lives We Left Behind - Olivia Bratherton-Wilson (2021) / I read this one so long ago and I donât remember everything with detail, just than I really liked it. â1943. Seventeen-year-old Dorotea Miller is given the responsibility of managing the family farm when her father and brother are conscripted, leaving her with only her distant mother and the unfamiliar Land Girls for company. Angeline Carter and her four younger brothers are evacuated to the Welsh countryside to escape the bombings; the Miller farm is nothing like they've seen before and certainly more than Angeline bargained for when she meets the surly, unwelcoming farmer's daughter. Despite their rocky start, misunderstandings and tragedies, Dorothea and Angeline realise that their friendship may run deeper than either of them had prepared for.â There is also a sequel! That one I havenât read tho.
Agatha of Little Neon - Claire Luchette (2021) / "Agatha has lived every day of the last nine years with her sisters (the other nuns) : they work together, laugh together, pray together. Their world is contained within the little house they share. The four of them are devoted to Mother Roberta and to their quiet, purposeful life. But when the parish goes broke, the sisters are forced to move. They land in Woonsocket, a formermill town now dotted with wind turbines. [âŠ] Agatha is forced to venture out into the world alone, to teach math at a local all-girls high school, where for the first time in years she will have to reckon with what she sees and feels all on her own. Who will she be if she isn't with her sisters? These women, the church, have been her home--or has she just been hiding? [âŠ] It is a novel about female friendship and devotion, the roles made available to us, and how we become ourselves." Lesbian nuns
Burning Butch - R/B Mertz (2022) / A butch lesbian memoir of their life growing up catholic and surviving in the world, while dealing with faith and what it shape it takes to them.
London on My Mind - Clara Alves (2022) / So, the English translation just came out! Funny thing is, I started this in 2022 even tho I donât know Portuguese (translating paragraph by paragraph with google translate) and it was pretty good. I havenât finished it (translating a whole book with google translate is definitely work) but Iâm so ready to read it now that itâs translated. Dayana (seventeen, black, plus size, and Brazilian) is forced to move to London with her father (who abandoned her mother and her) and his new family after her mother died. Sheâs having a pretty horrible time, until, on a walk, finds a redhead girl⊠escaping Buckingham Palace?? So of course, she helps her escape. Who exactly is this girl? Why was she escaping?? The answer, her name is Diana and sheâs sort of (super) the princess of Wales. Huh.
Helen House - Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya (2022) / âRight before meeting her girlfriend Amber's parents for the first time, the unnamed narrator of Helen House learns that she and her partner share a similar both of their sisters are dead. As the narrator wonders what else Amber has been hiding, she struggles with her own secret--using sex as a coping mechanism--as well as confusion and guilt over whether she really cares about Amber, or if she's only using her for sex. When they arrive at the parents' rural upstate home, a quaint but awkward first meeting unravels into a nightmare in which the narrator finds herself stranded in a family's decades-long mourning ritual. At turns terrifying and erotic, Helen House is a queer ghost story about trauma and grief.â
Promises in Pompeii - Violet Morley (2022) / Set in Ancient Rome, it tells the story of two girls, Octavia and Helvia, childhood friends, and their journey through life as women and through their feelings. In the author ig, she said it includes: adventure/survival, against the odds, brothels, butch/femme, coming of age, disguised as a man, first love, friends to lovers, opposites attract, etc. Iâm currently reading it, and I really like it so far.
Nettleblack - Nat Reeve (2022) / âSubversive and playful, Nettleblack is a neo-Victorian queer farce that follows a runaway heir/ess and an organisation of crime-fighting misfits as they struggle with the misdeeds besieging a rural English town. The year is 1893. Having run away from her family home to escape an arranged marriage, Welsh heiress Henrietta âHenryâ Nettleblack finds herself ambushed, robbed, and then saved by the mysterious Dallyangle Division - part detective agency, part neighbourhood watch. Desperate to hide from her older sisters, Henry disguises herself and enlists. But the Division soon finds itself under siege from a spate of crimes and must fight for its very survival. Assailed by strange feelings for her new colleague - the tomboyish, moody Septimus - Henry quickly sees that she's lost in a small rural town with surprisingly big problems. And to make things worse, sinister forces threaten to expose her as the missing Nettleblack sister. As the net starts to close around Henry, the new people in her life seem to offer her a way out, and a way forward. Is the world she's lost in also a place she can find herself? Told through journal entries and letters, Nettleblack is a picaresque ride through the perils and joys of finding your place in the world, challenging myths about queerness - particularly transness - as a modern phenomenon, while exploring the practicalities of articulating queer perspectives when you're struggling for words.â
Sunburn - Chloe Michelle (2023) / In Ireland, the early 1990s, Lucy feels out of place in her small town. She falls in love with her best friend and she has to find a way to find herself, make a meaning out of her feelings, and hide the truth from her conservative small town and religious peers.
Lucky Red - Claudia Cravens (2023) / "A vibrant and cinematic debut set in the American West about a scrappy orphan who finds friendship, romance, and her true calling as a revenge-seeking gunslinger." Lesbian cowboys
Neon Roses - Rachel Dawson (2023) / âEluned Hughes is stuck. It's 1984 in a valley in south Wales: the miners' strike is ravaging her community; her sister's swanned off with a Thatcherite policeman; and her boyfriend Lloyd keeps bringing up marriage. And if they play '99 Red Balloons' on the radio one more time, she might just lose her mind. Then the fundraising group Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners comes down from London, and she meets June, a snaggle-toothed blonde in a too-big leather jacket. Suddenly, Eluned isn't stuck any more - she's in freefall. June's an artist and an activist, living in a squat in Camden. With June, Eluned can imagine a completely different - and exciting - life for herself. But as her family struggles with the strike, and her relationship with her sister deteriorates, should she really leave it all behind? From the Valleys to the nightclubs of Cardiff, London and Manchester, NEON ROSES is a heartwarming, funny and a little bit filthy queer coming-of-age story with a cracking '80s soundtrack.â
Tale of Three Ships - Darcia G. Laucerica (2023) / âIn a world under the thumb of an empire, pirates sail away searching for a breath of freedom. But even the ocean is tainted by the powerful nation that has spread lies about women being bad luck at sea. Glenlivet has never cared about the fear-mongering. Her ship welcomes those who are rejected and need a home. For all the sailor' s superstitions and "codes" of piracy the captain mocks every day, not leaving the docks when it's dark is a personal boundary she swears by ever since acquiring The Outsider about eight years ago. She just might have to break her own rules to protect her crew, escape the claws of a king who wants her dead, and murder the man who raised her.â Iâve heard so many good things about this. Lesbian main character, with mlm and trans side characters. Author in social media said it includes: Chosen pirate family, sirens, indigenous and latine inspired characters, anti-colonialism, and people fighting injustice and abuse.
How to Breathe Ash - Alex Nonymous (2023) / âEleanor Perrault doesn't know if there's a right way to handle being suddenly orphaned at sixteen, but it's definitely not the way that she's been coping with it. It's been two months since her parents died and despite her autism normally causing her to be even more emotionally volatile than most of her peers, she still hasn't even managed to cry over them yet. On top of trying to learn how to grieve properly, Eleanor's juggling starting a new semester in a new town with an aunt who seems eternally disappointed in her and a cousin who's randomly decided to start hating her. And a crush on the incredibly pretty president of her new school's QSA. How to Breathe Ash is a contemporary YA Cinderella retelling following Eleanor through elaborate dances, anonymous chat rooms, and learning the right way to not be alright.â Autistic mc! While I havenât read anything from this author (yet) they have lots of wlw/nblw/nblnb books with autistic main characters.
War and Solace: A Tale from Norvegr - Edale Lane (2023) / âA battle-hardened shieldmaiden. A pacifist healer. Can the two find love amid the chaos of war? From Edale Lane, the award-winning, best-selling author of Sigrid & Elyn, comes a new Tale from Norgevr! Tyrdis is a stalwart warrior raised to value honor, courage, and military prowess. When a traumatic injury renders the powerful protector helpless, she depends on the lovely, tender-hearted Adelle to restore her from the brink of death. Is it merely gratitude or true love that draws Tyrdis to the healer? Defying cultural norms, Adelle despises violence and those who propagate it, but when her shieldmaiden patient saves the life of her beloved little girl, she must reexamine her values. Could Tyrdis be more than a stiff, efficient killer with an amazing body? In a kingdom steeped in conflict with their neighbors and internal strife, shocking secrets are revealed, and both women strive to ensure justice prevails. Can they overcome their differences to safeguard their friends, end the war, and fall in love, or will fate prove to be a cruel sovereign?â Historical fiction set during 643. The author also has another two sapphic books set in the same time period.
Greasepaint - Hannah Levene (2024) / âSet against a backdrop of 1950s New York, this experimental novel follows an ensemble cast of all-singing, all-dancing butch dykes and Yiddish anarchists through eternal Friday nights, around the table, and at the bar. In one of many bars, Frankie Gold sings while Sammy Silver plays piano after a day job at the anarchist newspaper. The Butch Piano Players Union meets in the corner next to the jukebox. Laur smokes on the back steps, sweaty thigh to thigh with Vic. Frankie's childhood sweetheart, Lily, turns up at yet another bar to see a second Sammy play every Friday night. And before all that, there's always dinner at Marg's. Fabulated out of oral histories, anthologies, as well as the fiction of the butch-femme bar scene and Yiddish anarchist tradition, Greasepaint is a rollicking whirlwind of music and politics- the currents of community embodied and held inside the bar.â
Perfume & Pain - Anna Dorn (2024) / âA controversial Los Angeles author attempts to revive her career and finally find true love in this hilarious nod to 1950s lesbian pulp fiction. Having recently moved both herself and her formidable perfume bottle collection into a tiny bungalow in Los Angeles, mid-list author Astrid Dahl finds herself back in the Zoom writer's group she cofounded, Sapphic Scribes, after an incident that leaves her and her career lightly canceled. But she temporarily forgets all that by throwing herself into a few sexy distractionsâlike Ivy, a grad student who smells like metallic orchids and is researching 1950s lesbian pulp, or her new neighbor, Penelope, who smells like patchouli. When Astrid receives an unexpected call from her agent with the news that actress and influencer Kat Gold wants to adapt her previous novel for TV, Astrid finally has a chance to resurrect her waning career. But the pressure causes Astrid's worst vice to rear its headâthe Patricia Highsmith, a blend of Adderall, alcohol, and cigarettes-and results in blackouts and a disturbing series of events. Unapologetically feminine yet ribald, steamy yet hilarious, Anna Dorn has crafted an exquisite homage to the lesbian pulp of yore, reclaiming it for our internetâand celebrity-obsessed worldâ
How It Works Out - Myriam Lacroix (2024) / âSurreal, darkly comic and achingly tender, Myriam Lacroix's debut sees a queer love story play out in many alternate realities. What if you had the chance to rewrite the course of your relationship, again and again, in the hopes that it would work out? After Myriam and Allison fall in love at a show in run-down punk house, their relationship starts to unfold through a series of hypotheticals. What if they became mothers by finding a baby in an alley? What if the only cure for Myriam's depression was Allison's flesh? What if they were B-list celebrities, famous for writing a book about building healthy lesbian relationships? How much darker-or sexier-would their dynamic be if one were a power-hungry CEO, and the other her lowly employee? From the fantasies of early romance to the slow encroaching of violence that unravels the fantasy, each reality builds to complete a brilliant, painfully funny portrait of love's many promises and perils. Equal parts sexy and profane, unsentimental, and gut-wrenching, How It Works Out is a formally inventive, arresting, uncanny exploration of queerness, love, and our drive for connection, in any and all possible worlds.â
All the Painted Stars - Emma Denny (@a-kind-of-merry-war) (2024) / âOxfordshire 1362. When Lily Barden discovers her best friend Johanna's hand in marriage is being awarded as the main prize at a tournament, she is determined to stop it. Disguised as a knight, she infiltrates the contest, preparing to fight for Jo's hand. But her conduct ruffles feathers, and when a dangerous incident escalates out of Lily's control, Jo must help her escape. Finding safety with a local brewster, Lily and Jo soon settle into their new freedom, and amongst blackberry bushes and lakeside walks an unexpected relationship blossoms. But when Jo's past caches up with her and Lily's reckless behaviour threatens their newfound happiness, both women realise that choices must always come at a cost. The question they need to ask is if the cost is worth the price of loveâŠâ The cover of the edition coming out in November is SO pretty and lately Iâve been looking for medieval sapphic books like crazy.
Gentlest of Wild Things - Sarah Underwood (2024 - out august 15th) / So this book is by the same author as Lies We Sing to the Sea, and Iâm in no rush to read that book (a so-called odyssey retelling even tho the author has admitted to never actually reading the odyssey??) but this one looks compelling. âOn the island of Zakynthos, nothing is more powerful than Desire-love itself, bottled and sold to the highest bidder by Leandros, a power-hungry descendent of the god Eros. Eirene and her beloved twin sister, Phoebe, have always managed to escape Desire's thrall. Until Leandros' wife dies mysteriously and he sets his sights on Phoebe. Determined to keep her sister safe, Eirene strikes a bargain with Leandros: if she can complete the four elaborate tasks he sets her, he will find another bride. But it soon becomes clear that the tasks are part of something bigger; something related to Desire and Lamia, the strange, neglected daughter Leandros keeps locked away. Lamia knows her father hides her for her own protection, though as she and Eirene grow closer, she finds herself longing for the outside world. But the price of freedom is high, and with something deadly-something hungry- stalking the night, that price must be paid in bloodâŠâ The author said that âGentlest of Wild Things is a sapphic vampiric twist on the story of Eros and Psycheâ
The End Crowns All - Bea Fitzgerald (2024 - out on July 18th) / âPrincess. Priestess. The most beautiful girl in Troy. Casandra is used to being adored - and when her patron god, Apollo, offers her the power of prophecy, she sees an opportunity to rise even higher. But when she fails to uphold her end of the agreement, she discovers just how very far she has to fall. No one believes her visions. And they all seem to be of one girl - and the war she's going to bring to Troy's shores. Helen fled Sparta in pursuit of love, but it's soon clear Troy is a court like any other, with all its politics and backstabbing. And one princess seems particularly intent on driving her from the city before disaster can strike... But when war finally comes, it's more than the army at their walls they must contend with. Casandra and Helen might hold the key to reweaving fate itself - especially with the prophetic strands drawing them ever closer together. But how do you change your future when the gods themselves are dictating your demise?â Sapphic retelling of the iliad where Helen and Kassandra end up together
If asked, Iâll also do one with gay books
(No 1950s lesbians because I donât like pulp fiction :( )
Be proud of the dumb, little thing you wrote, just because you wanted to write a dumb, little thing. Your writing doesn't need to be serious and award-winning for you to be proud of it.
artist in denial of being depressed: omg this 2 month long art block has been crazy... sorry i haven't updated any of my fics in a long while! it's just been super difficult to daydream! so weird that i've lost a little bit of passion for my current comfort character and ocs... this couldn't possibly have any implications or alternative explanations
As the Seasons Pass Ch. 1 "Mid-July" â A sapphic fiction story
Synopsis: Genie has been struggling with a homoerotic friendship. She meets a girl named Valerie through this friend. Tonight is the first time she's hanging out with Valerie one-on-one. Platonically of course. This story is gonna be a very slow burn, so this chapter surrounds the first stage of building the dynamic that Genie and Valerie will have. This is part one, but there is a background chapter that surrounds the homoerotic relationship Genie has. If you'd like to check that out, it's linked in my pinned post.
Contains: Nervous Genie. Car ride. General sapphic nervousness and awkwardness. Concert. Slice of life. Indirect kisses:p
Warnings: Although there isn't smut in this chapter, this story as a whole is not for minors. If you're not 18+ you are not welcome here, I mean this in the nicest way.
I wake up to another instagram notification, a DM from Valerie.
@/Valthehuman: Wait would you want to hang out? Like before the next group hangout? There's a show tomorrow night at that bar you were asking about, if ur free/interested in going. I have an extra ticket too?
@/Geniesirius: Yeah omg, that sounds so fun, just let me know what time! :)
There's a bubbly, fluttery feeling rising in my chest that actually makes me excited to get out of bed. I head out to the kitchen and make breakfast.
My phone lights up and I pick up my phone with a record amount of speed. It's not Val. It's one of the scam texts about the election. I roll my eyes and put my phone down.
I'm in the middle of drawing a cute little neurographic-style page when my phone lights up again. This time it's her.
@/Valthehuman: Awesome! It starts at 7:30, do u wanna meet there or I can pick you up? Itâs kind of a hard place to find unless you know what youâre looking for.
@/Geniesirius: Yeah that would be so nice actually, i hate driving into downtown :)) I'll send my address over in a sec!
I'm really anxious getting ready. Val's so cool and effortless. I've gone through three different outfits, I probably should have asked about the vibe.
I grip my phone and start scouring Val's page in an attempt to find the band that's playing tonight. I click on her tagged photos and scroll a bit, revealing a picture of a crowd with Val front line and center. Her eyes were wide and she had the biggest smile I've ever seen on anyone's face.
The caption reads: "So lucky to have had some of my closest friends at my first show." Posted by @/jennadummy.
After going through her feed, I see she's the drummer of this band. I watch a few of the reels and it seems to be a pretty eclectic alternative band. This is good. Everyone at the shows dress pretty casual and the crowds run pretty small.
I settle on some black cargo pants and a lavender babytee. I accessorize with some silver jewelry and spritz some peach perfume on my neck and wrists. She's picking me up in an hour and I feel a ball of anxiety building in the pit of my stomach.
I keep telling myself it's not a big deal, because it's not. I'm just hanging out with a new person and making a friend. It's not like im going on a tinder date with a stranger or something. It's literally not even a thing it's just a stupid little hangout in a public place. Oh and a forty-five minute drive with someone that's had maybe six minutes of screentime in my life so far. Fuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck fuck what are we even gonna talk about for forty-five minutes?
I pick my phone up again and start stalking her socials again, I have to find at least one thing I can resort to if things feel too quiet and weird. She has the link to her spotify in her bio, truly a godsend. She only has one playlist titled 'everything' and it's over two thousand hours long. I scroll through and see we have a ton of bands and artists in common, I click through and sample the songs and artists I don't know. All niche, obscure bands that have under a thousand monthly listeners.
In the middle of my venture, a random number texts me.
234-555-6789: Hey it's Valerie, I was wondering if you wanted to pick up some food or snacks or something to eat on the way? If so, I'll probably be on my way now, if that's okay?
I forgot we exchanged numbers earlier, my heart almost jumped out of my chest when I saw it was her. The stress I'm feeling is borderline ridiculous, but no matter how hard I try to overcome it, I can't help but turn into a puddle of nerves before I hang out with literally anyone, even (correction: especially) Sabrina.
Me: Yeah, that sounds awesome actually. I'm ready to go too so just lmk when ur on the way:))
She leaves a heart on the message and lets me know she'll be here in ten minutes.
It feels like a mass of knots are winding and tightening in the pit of my stomach. My hands are shaky and my breath is shorter than it usually is when I get nervous before going out.
I head outside two minutes before her ETA so she won't have to wait on me. She pulls up and her car is insane. It looks brand new, and it's a dark blue color.
I walk around to the passenger and open the door.
"Heeeeey, You look good." The smile on her face is major and she reaches over for me and pulls me into a tight hug.
"Hey, thanks for inviting me, it's good to see you again. You look really good too." I find that last part couldn't help but come out fast paced and slightly jumbled. She's wearing an olive green oversized button up, which is of course, unbuttoned. Underneath is a white tank top and her pants are dark and baggy. Her hair is shaggy and reflects the light, complimenting its natural black color with an orange and yellow shine. Her eyes are decorated with smudged black eyeliner, and her lip tint is a neutral brown color. If her appearance could be summed up in one word, it would be 'androgynous.'
She drives with one hand and sings under her breath so softly you'd never know she was doing it unless you paid attention. Which I'm totally not, by the way.
"My passenger door is kinda fucked up right now, so I gotta open it from outside."
She turns the wheel so smoothly, and she purses her lips as she parks. When she stops the car she develops a wide smile.
"Parked right on the first try swag"
I feel my face scrunch as I laugh through my nose. "should we call bella hadid?"
Mutual laughter erupts and she opens the driver door and steps out of the car. She speed walks over to my side and pulls the handle with a slight urgency. She walks a little quicker than me, opening the door to the gas station before I can reach it. As I walk past her, I am greeted with a lightly cologned smell. It's very woody with some light notes of vanilla.
"Thanks. You're so chivalrous."
"You gotta be while courting."
I turn my head towards her and we make eye contact. She starts shaking her head quickly. Her eyebrows lifted, her eyes squinted, Her lips upturned and pushed together awkwardly.
"I'm.. kidding.." She says semi-convincingly. For some reason a slight sense of grief stirs in my chest. Random.
"I wouldn't be mad if you were."
"You're bad at flirting."
"Me? You're...awful. Jesus. What kind of trouble are you trying to get into in the seven eleven, though?"
"Oof i don't know. Perhaps an energy drink and something sweet. How 'bout you?"
"I think I'm gonna opt for the same."
I settled on the cherry limeade celsius and dark chocolate covered pretzels. She got the sour patch kids 'ghost energy' and a bag of jolly ranchers.
"Do you like these?" She gestures to her drink.
"I've never tried it, but sour patch kid flavor is...borderline unhinged."
"Wanna try it?" She cracks the can and hands it over to me. I reciprocate the gesture and we switch cans.
"Wow this is actually really good." She lifts her eyebrows and nods her head in approval.
"This tastes radioactive. I'm getting one every time I go to the gas station now."
We re-swap and she starts back on the road.
"Would you mind handing me a jolly rancher?"
"Yeah, of course. What's your favorite flavor?"
"Blue raspberry! How about you? You can have as many as you want, by the way."
"Cherry for sure. Blue raspberry is up there too, obviously."
I grab one of each and slip hers in between her pointer and middle fingers on the wheel.
She opens the door for me as we step into the club. The entire place is consumed by red lighting, the walls are covered in art and it's a pretty good turnout.
"You wanna drink!?" She nods her head towards the bar
"Yeah for sure!"
She grabs my hand as we walk through the crowd. Her hand is cold and soft.
"So how do you know the band!?"
"I've known the drummer since second grade! we're still good friends!"
"Do any of your other friends from school come to the shows!?"
"Yeah, our friend group from high school comes to the shows, the ones that still live nearby, at least! They should all be here tonight though!"
She insisted on covering the tab. I got an amaretto sour and she got a lemon drop martini. We walk over to the crowd and she scans the area.
Val leans in close to my ear "They're over here."
She grabs my hand again and leads me to her friend group. She introduces me, and then tells me everyone's name. I repeat it to myself in my head until it sticks. Serena, Polly, Annie, Jolene, Belle, Bridget. Serena, Polly, Annie, Jolene, Belle, Bridget. Okay, got it. I think. The group and I exchange hellos and I catch Belle smile and raise her eyebrows at Valerie. As subtly as possible I look to Val, who blushes and slyly shakes her head.
The band comes out and the crowd 'woos' in encouragement. Jenna starts screaming, which absolutely catches me off guard. The group laughs along with the rest of the audience and the singer steps up to the mic. Val turns to me and whispers in my ear. "She's just like that, it's part of her shtick."
After a short and sweet introduction, the music starts.
I catch a glimpse of Val dancing. I can't help but smile, she looks so happy. Her black eyeliner is a little more smudged than before and her eyes glitter in the red lighting. I think this has crossed the line from a glimpse to a stare as I notice Polly in the background furrow her eyebrows and cross her arms.
gummygunk
yousharknotpass
blakekathryn
prguitarman
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
