Ok kiddo’s sit the heckety down and hold onto your hats and broomsticks. The year is 2006. The setting, hick-fuckville Louisiana. I am but a humble child sitting in my local library reading all of the books that my school library banned, but they kept in the local library to show adults, so that way they can “warn them, becouse if your child is reading these books they are possessed by Satan.” This is the place where I got my first copy of Anne Rice’s “Interview with the Vampire” which had all if my favorite things, a male/male relationship, vampires, the Victorian age, and best of all half of it takes place in Fuck-hickville Louisiana (not to be confused with Hick-Fuckville, Louisiana). I have by me all of the books on the “don’t let your child read this or they will become a sodomite” list. I am fucking having a blast, when guess who walks the flip flopity right up to me. That’s right. Pastor AssFuck McGee. And he goes “child, these books are not for children.” To which I reply by saying nothing, picking up each book and checking them out. I walk out if the library, and I decide. Fuck you pastor AssFuck McGee. I am gonna read all if these books. 1 month later, my parents decide it’s time to move, again. I’m chill with this. I hate this town. I hate this state. And I hate Paster AssFuck McGee and I don’t even go to his church, but Kasey who sits by me during lunch does and she says that he’s a “bleepity bleeping dumb slut” and I don’t know how Kasey knows that Pastor AssFuck McGee is a slut, but I trust her opinion on it, and while I normally don’t shame people for their sex lives I was willing to make an exception just for Pastor AssFuck McGee. However, if we move I have to return my library books. But I can’t. I haven’t finished reading all fucking 23 books, 2 magazines, and the informational pamphlet on birth control. So I decided I hated Pastor AssFuck McGee and loved books more than I cared about the law. So I packed all of the library books up and move with them. I said fuck it. I’m gonna steal all of this. I was sure as fuck about to commit my first felony. We move to Arizona. I get enrolled into a new school - one day in the snazy new computer lab I boot up the computer, that terrible fucking dial up noise hurts my ears and I’m convinced God isn’t real, becouse if he was he wouldn’t allow for that God awful fucking noise. I sign on to my AOL. I have an email. It’s from the library in Louisiana. My books are late. I delete the email. I delete the email every week when they send it out. Fast forward too late 2016. I am feeling the nostalgic, I decide to log into my old AOL account I have been on it in over 5 years. I am stunned. I have an email. My books are late. I owe around $5000. I sighn out of my AOL. I never sighn back in. I go to bed that night and I whisper. “Fuck you Pastor AssFuck McGee.”
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