"it's not about who releases it, it's about him releasing it."
he knows he is being excessively petty, self-destructive even, lingering on a rivalry that was, in theory, squashed several months ago. perhaps it would have remained that way if the playing field had actually been levelled, if there had been a handshake and a reconciliation somewhere in public, where the world could agree the only beef they'd share from now on would be on a tabletop grill at a local barbecue spot. but between the billboards and the senior monitoring and the targeted ads and the comments on his social media posts, ren cannot escape siwoo, or his now validated superiority complex. and it only serves to make his already frayed nerves resemble exposed live wires even more.
"you wouldn't get it," he adds, not nearly with as much ire as he tries, and fails, to fabricate when addressing sarang directly, "everybody likes you."
it's such a bizarre, almost indescribable feeling, being in such close proximity with someone he once, potentially, loved and now, potentially, loathes. he is usually so keen on quashing his own fatalism, but now he leans into it, even when making eye contact with sarang still causes that odd fluttering feeling in his chest.
he orders the same soju cocktail, only because he can't be bothered to think of anything else or to be seen doing something as invested as reading the menu. and anyway, something sweet will make it easier to get drunker faster, and he can stop thinking so hard about all the things that make him miserable. he hasn't figured out how to tell his therapist about this newfound coping mechanism just yet. someday, maybe.
sarang fills the space between them with verbiage, like he's so good at. ren lets his words hang somewhere in the middle, suspended in a limbo between being heard and being ignored. it's all honeyed compliments and permanent flirtation, the usual recipe for disaster that he coaxes up so easily from within.
but then he utters what sounds like a genuine apology, which causes ren to look up from where he let his gaze fall on the edge of sarang's shoulder, a glint in his eyes clearing away the fugue state that clouded them a moment before. his scowl doesn't melt away, but there is something behind it other than annoyance now, a thoughtfulness as he contemplates the motive behind sarang's words.
"did you mean it when you said i'm not 'ready to be loved?'"
blunt. unyielding. to the point. let's see you talk your way out of this one.
"that's not true, ren." sarang doesn't want to try and convince his ex that he's the more hated or disliked of the two, because this isn't a competition, but he hopes to frame things in a manner that isn't stark black and pure white. "even if it were true and everyone did like me, i would wager that most of those people don't really know me, so the depth of their fondness is superficial." honestly speaking, he finds this good practice for his future celebrity lifestyle. his fans will claim to love him, adore him, and will wish for his happiness, but they'll never know who he truly is as a person. all they'll see is beauty, and sparkle, and smiles. they'll convince themselves that he's genuinely that simple and that's all it'll take for them to fan his glittering flame.
little do they know though, he's just as flawed as they are, and that level of ignorance will have him put on a pedestal regardless of his struggles or imperfections. it's a cruel cycle if you think about it, but all he can do now is hold his head high and rise above. that's part of why he's here with ren right now. aside from any ulterior motive to keep him around, sarang thinks it would be good for them to remain some level of friends. they have a lot they can learn from one another, even if their romantic chemistry isn't always in line.
it's then when his apology is met with a question, one that takes him a little by surprise, but also reveals information that he didn't have before. he remembers the night they broke up, but he was in such a rare state of emotional intensity that his usually composed verbiage was overtaken by comments meant to cause harm. hurt people hurt people, as they say. clearly, this comment has lived with ren ever since that night and sarang feels terrible for adding to the voices that spiral within his ex's head. he knows there's plenty of them, and that basically all of them are unkind.
the server shows up to place their drinks down and once they retreat, sarang poises himself to speak once more; grateful for the few extra seconds to gather his thoughts, as well as the first big gulp to help ease the tension. "first of all, i'm sorry that i said that. in that moment especially, i was lacking better judgment and felt hurt by you, so i wanted to hurt you in return." admitting it causes the hair on his nape to stand tall, but he shakes it off as best he can. "i wish i would've had the mind to tell you that i wish it was easier for you to receive love, to see yourself how i, and everyone who loves you, sees you, even if it goes against everything that you believe about yourself."
he pauses, then takes another drink. "you are lovable, ren. i'm not sure if i was, or am, the right person to speak to your love language like that, but regardless, i'm sorry for making you feel as though you're not ready for love, or that you're not lovable, because that isn't true. neither of those things are true."
