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DEAR READER
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oozey mess
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@theartofmadeline
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Today's Document
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So much love for the fat girl art in Amsterdam 💓
Polyamory Is Weird – Apparently
Posted on: August 13, 2014
by naithpayton
When it comes to gay and bisexual acceptance, we’re not doing too badly. Trans stuff? We’re getting there (slowly). But non-monogamy is still one thing people find hardest to accept.
I’m polyamorous – that means having multiple intimate relationships, sexual or romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for four years (exactly!), and I recently started dating my girlfriend too. They’re not dating each other, but have a great friends-who-sometimes-sleep-with-each-other relationship.
For me, this is fantastic. I couldn’t imagine doing relationships any other way. I have different feelings for lots of different people, and this gives me the freedom to fully explore them. I have lots of friends who all add value to my life in varied ways, just like everyone else, and some of them I get to sleep with too.
I asked around, and almost everyone said the main negative assumption they deal with is “you’re just a slut”. Slut, of course, is a slur directed at people who are viewed as having more sex than they “should”. It is most often used towards women, but other people get it sometimes too. There is no such thing as too much sex, so long as it’s all consensual, as safe as possible, and doesn’t impact negatively on other aspects of one’s life. Sex is great! For people who like sex, having lots of sex can only be a good thing. “Slut” also gets used towards asexual and celibate poly people too. I imagine because people find it a lot easier to think that it’s all about sex – multiple romantic relationships, some without any sex involved, are somehow harder to deal with.
Monogamy is the default, in a way that eclipses so many other things. Heterosexuality might still be the default, but people are increasingly becoming aware that it doesn’t have to be. But we’re still fed the lie of “the one”, of “til death do us part”. The ultimate goal of romance is to find one person to be with exclusively for the rest of your life. I have never seen polyamorous relationships depicted in the media as anything other than a strange curiosity. We’re still at the stage of trying to convince people we even exist.
We frequently face the assumption that we’re unable to commit, because we’re taught that commitment equals monogamy. We’re told our relationships aren’t real, or aren’t as good as monogamous ones, that we’ll “settle down” eventually with one partner, we’re untrustworthy, promiscuous and greedy. All the sorts of prejudices LGB people once faced, and often still do face. I know countless poly people in lasting, committed relationships that refute these prejudices straight away. Of course a relationship shouldn’t be judged on how long it lasts, but on the value it adds to the life of the people in it.
There’s plenty of fun little microagressions too. When my boyfriend was dating another guy, I was frequently asked “are you OK with it?”, which is a pretty personal question. I’m sure they meant well, but I got very tired of having to assure other people that my relationship was just fine, thanks. I was also frequently told to “be careful”, because they knew some polyamorous people once and they broke up! Which monogamous people never ever do, right?
I often wonder if people see polyamory as a threat to their own relationships. Like with so many other things, they see people living their lives in a different way, and assume it has to be wrong. Their ideas about how relationships should be, about how people should live, are being challenged. And that feels strange and wrong – it feels like a threat. Obviously poly people don’t want to force other people to be poly. Some people are monogamous, and that’s great. We just want to break down the idea that monogamy is the only choice.
Source:
http://naithpayton.co.uk/polyamory-is-weird-apparently/
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Interesting. @whatwouldmandydo
The girls are never supposed to end up together. I watched that movie with Ellen Page and Alia Shawkat, the roller-skating movie, the one where Ellen and Alia are best friends, each other’s only comforts in their podunk town. They need each other, and they hug, and they dance, and they tell each other I Love You, and Ellen meets a skinny boy who plays in a band. It doesn’t even work out with the boy, but that’s almost tangential. The girl was never a real option. I think that’s why it’s really difficult for girls. For me. We follow narratives and our fingertips trace the contours of the stories we love and we long to escape within the confines of our own lives. Meet your boyfriend in the pouring rain and yank down his mask and kiss him upside down. Run with your boyfriend to the front of the ferry and throw your arms out to the side and scream, “I’m king of the world!” If you are a girl in love with a boy, your possibilities are infinite. If there is a special girl in your life, you love her as a friend. You love her as a friend, but she becomes less important to you as you grow, and you leave her behind for a boy. She might even stand next to you when you marry the boy, and she might catch the bouquet of flowers that you throw to her. You’re giving her permission to move on, move away from you. It’s a ceremony of separation. But if you should fall in love with a girl - and loving and falling in love are two very distinct things - the first kiss is the end. You’ve all seen the movie. Or the television show. Or the after-school special, or you’ve read the book that was banned from your school’s library for containing Sexual Content. The point of your story is not to fall in love. The point of your story is to struggle. Your story begins with a lie and climaxes in a truth and ends with a kiss. In the movie of your life, forty-five minutes are devoted to you figuring out how to say that you want to kiss girls, and another half-hour is devoted to people’s objections, and maybe the last fifteen minutes is you kissing the girl. Maybe you don’t even get to kiss the girl. Maybe she tells you that she’s flattered, but she doesn’t bat for your team. The critics swoon; it’s realistic, they say, so realistic, to depict the struggle of the modern teen, the heartbreak of irresolvable incompatibility. Isn’t that always what celebrities cite in their divorces? “Irreconciliable differences.” And so you’re lying on the floor of your bathroom, your knees curled to your chest, or you’re on your sofa with a pint of ice cream, or you’re in bed watching your favourite sad movie on Netflix, and the collective weight of all that you consume settles on your shoulders, leans in, and whispers, “You were never meant to fall in love.” You were never meant to fall in love. Your story ends in tears or it ends in death. Jack Twist was bludgeoned to death with a tire iron and Ennis Del Mar was left alone in his closet to dance with an empty shirt. Alby Grant found Dale Tomasson swinging by a noose in the apartment that had been their safehouse, their respite, and he sank to his knees and cradled Dale’s bare feet and he cried. The Motion Picture Association of America axed Lana Tisdel and Brandon Teena’s sex scenes, but they didn’t have a problem with the extended shot of Lana cradling Brandon’s corpse in her fragile arms and falling asleep next to his body. Love and intimacy are ours only in death, or so it would seem. I don’t want to die. Isn’t that a very human experience? Not wanting to die? When does anyone who looks like me get to grow old and raise grandchildren and hold her wife’s hand as the skin wrinkles, turns translucent? Sometimes my father asks me if I’ll ever date a man. Sometimes he doesn’t ask. “You are attracted to men, and you dream about falling in love with men,” he says, as if he can will his imaginary daughter into existence merely by speaking about her. Or maybe he is just looking out for my safety. He’s seen the movies, too. He loves me. He doesn’t want me to die.
if this is heaven (via nonbinareyskywalker)
Rabbit Lady with Gold Luster
Ana Mendieta, Sandwoman, 1983
Christina Bothwell Good Day, 2012
@whatwouldmandydo
weamourlestatouages
this is so pretty <3
TheButterflyBabe.com || LUNA MOTH (ACTIAS LUNA)
Quick reminders while the horrible events of the #ParisAttack are still unfolding… Be safe, my friends.
it just hurts so much that we have to always… Always, every single time an event like this happens in the West, remind people of our humanity. Remind people we condemn, we condemn, we condemn. It’s almost become normal to us.
Yes. This. This. This. Spread the fucking word.
Come see me @drunkensailorrocks new dresses and cardis!
@whatwouldmandydo you need this pizza skirt!
I watched the Shia labeouf’s motivational video last night and felt really inspired. So I went out and bought a Costco bear that I’ve always wanted Don’t let dreams be dreams.
Emma Watson for Vogue Italia - November 2015
Ani DiFranco - Shameless
@whatwouldmandydo;)