sauropatrol diary hole

call me sauro. i'm 18. i'm a struggling student with adhd. i also like dinosaurs! this is my virtual-spam-shitpost-diary-thing. i hope i remember to actually use it. she/her.

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i went camping. realised i don't really like camping that much. tents are so cozy during the day, the sun shines through them and lights up the colour of the tent walls- dull orange and blue, maybe even green. when it's night, you realise tents aren't soundproof. the wind makes the rain cover flap against the tent walls, and you think it's footsteps. there are birds screaming in the distance, waves sloshing around, wind whistling through trees, and distant chatter from other tents, but you can't decipher the difference between the chatter and sounds of nature. there are whispers in the waves of water, and fidgeting in the patter of rain. the air mattress is so stiff, and so is your body.

camping can be fun, i do enjoy the experience of it, especially with good friends. i like camping in campervans or caravans too, because then it's a road trip and a camping trip. i still had fun this time, too. camping just has to be imperfectly perfect for it to be worth it. if its too glamorous or perfect, you arent really camping at all, but if its completely imperfect then why even bother? you need the balance. it's a strange thing.

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cold feet n cold hands

the iconic duo of adhd medication

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listening to a song you used to jam out to, but haven't heard in such a long time is so cathartic. heard this song last night for the first time in a while & it's still so good I love it

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my fav hobby is writing emails to my professors being like 'hey lol sooooooo im depressed..... extension please?'

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and its annoying cause, i think i need structure but the actual idea of writing out a weekly structured schedule for myself sounds overwhelming on its own,

if i do that it has to be all or nothing. it has to be down to the very detail of what i should eat at certain times, because i often forget to get food or just cant decide what to have so i don't bother making anythign

grrrrrrrrrrgrgrgrr

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dfghjklkjhgf i have like, a test this evening which i have not studied for. two large project assignments due tomorrow which i have not started. help help help.

adhd sucks. why can't i just. get off tumblr. stop being distracted,. and then. stop having adhd paralysis when i want to actually do boring work.

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the autism diagnostic criteria is so strange because it seems so directed at/hinted toward children. I mean, I understand that it's because a lot of children are diagnosed with autism at a young age- it's written so that autism can be picked up the earliest in life as it possibly can, but when you're trying to discover whether you're autistic or not as an adult it becomes difficult. It's especially difficult with how vague and ambiguous the DSM5 diagnostic criteria is. It's not too loose, but also not specific enough. I notice the use of 'deficits' a lot. "deficit- a lack or impairment in an ability or functional capacity" but what is the impairment specifically? yes, I suppose have 'deficits' in "maintaining normal back and forth conversation" or whatever it was, but also, it's contextual? and how do you even define 'normal'? I could not make small talk- I normally communicate via info-dumping back and forth with my other neurodivergent friends, and to me, that is normal back and forth conversation, it's my normality. I didn't even consider that maybe it's just a neurodivergent thing until I thoroughly read through the ASD diagnostic criteria. So not only is it written to be primarily aimed at autistic children, but it's also written for a neurotypical person's perception; a neurotypical person's definition of 'normal'. Considering that the book is mainly used as a tool for psychiatrists (or at least, I think that's what it's intended for), it kind of makes sense with the way it's written, but it's also public domain for anyone to access. It can spur a whole movement of misinterpretation and further the negative stigma surrounding ASD if the wrong kind of people read it. It should be written more carefully, with all things/people considered.

when is the new DSM update getting dropped bro, smh /hj

also, I would like to note that I only know the surface level of psychology, so this is absolutely not a professional critique, just a personal opinion/perspective. I am also not diagnosed with autism, just trying to figure out if I have it or not, and trying to teach myself about it.

- sauro

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i recently(ish) turned 18 and it was scary.

i’m kind of over it now, because it’s done, there’s nothing you can do to prevent the passage of time.

instead of being upset about it, i’ve been trying to compensate for the things that made me scared in the first place.

i never really got a chance to be 12 or 13. i honestly barely remember those years. it wasn’t a ‘time where i was forced to grow up early’ or any of that, but it was a time where i had to deal with a lot more than i would have liked to deal with. a time when i was suddenly faced with the reality of my life- barriers i’ll have to continuously face, challenges i’d revisit again and again. 11, 12 and 13 was kind of just the time when mental illness started kicking me in the ass, and it was all too unfamiliar back then. i didn’t understand it.

because i don’t remember it all, i’ve been trying to find as many photos, videos, any sort of memorabilia that i can that’s saved on old devices or whatnot. i never really bothered to investigate it all because i was too focused on moving forward and putting things in the past, and it still didn’t feel like that ‘past’ was too far away. i still felt like i was partially the same person. now that i’m a little bit older, i feel like an entirely different person from 13-year-old me. instead of regretting her, i pity her. i feel like i owe her whatever i can give. keeping her memory alive as best as i can is one of those things. i don’t want to bury the pictures, i’ll keep them in a personal brain-locket. it really is strange though- looking at recorded memories that you know are your own, but you can’t remember making them, and can’t remember what it was like.

i’m not sure if this moment in my life is really all that deep or difficult, it’s kind of just my usual shitty challenge, but it feels like a discovery time. i’ve been trying to heal from my past- put back what was taken from me, and i’ve also been trying to figure out who i am now.

- sauro

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this is gonna take me a while to get used to. it feels strange to suddenly use a new platform. i mean, not new but unfamiliar at the moment

it’s going to take me a while to shed the discomfort of posting. still in the mindset of thinking everyone i know is seeing this

on the topic of that, i guess this is a good opening point. i was gonna write about something else, but i can write about that later.

it’s so strange- my experience, or feelings, when it comes to having a public social media presence (public, as in irls). i don’t mean strange like, that it’s unique, im sure a lot of people feel the same way. majority of people probably do. it’s strange that, depending on the context, we care too much and we feel too much about things that probably don’t matter or aren’t even problems.

context one: having a public presence that irls follow, who may not all be your friends. like a public personal instagram. authenticity is what everything is based around- and at the same time- what everything is the exact opposite of. i always find myself worrying about whether i’m putting the right persona forward, this public display of my personality. an artist probably has many paintings, but probably only a small few of them are shared. at the same time, i am still myself. it’s just a very small part of myself. a single knot in an entire braided bracelet. so is it true authenticity or not? is it even possible to have true authenticity, if you are picking and choosing what you share with the world? and even though i still get to choose what i share, i still feel worried what people will think of it.

context two: having an online presence that only close friends follow. like a ‘finsta’. this is where i always feel weird about my feelings. i feel like i’m worrying for no reason. see, a finsta is typically used for posting the personal sides of yourself, or random spam. and i do this. but i still can’t shake the feeling that i’m being judged. only close friends follow me, they already know me, they already know who i am and what my personality is like, yet i still feel that they are looking at my posts as if it is my true personality- a true representative of me, a secret that i hide from most people. but it isnt. i use the account to mostly talk about things bothering me, or stupid opinions that your average person wouldn’t care about. most people don’t care about your opinion if it doesn’t apply to them, or if they don’t care about you. on a day to day basis, i wouldn’t slump around talking about these things. once again, it’s just a small knot in a braided bracelet- a fragment of my personality. and people who love me get to see it. so why do i still feel judged? why do i still feel like i have to perform and entertain at an expected level?

also, how tf do you edit line breaks on tumblr posts because wtf. the formatting when i write these is so unsettling.

- sauro

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intro

:3

so, I guess i should introduce before I let the spam begin. If there is any at all. 

the whole idea of this was to kind of be a personal anonymous brain-dump blog, crossed with a personal diary, crossed with- what will probably end up as- a lot of stupid ranting. i like to talk about my thoughts and interests and feelings and opinions, but when you’re talking to people you know, it feels like you’re being judged? theres something freeing about talking into the void- or just a small audience of strangers who don’t know you. not that i want action without consequence, but just action without fear of judgement from people i care about. also, i used to do this a lot; blog about my thoughts & findings and stuff. tumblr was my first social media platform too- so i think bringing back the nostalgia of an old activity would be nice. 

anyway, since this is anonymous i wont be using my real name. So, i’m going under the alias of sauro. short for sauropod, like the dinosaur. 

i’m an 18y/o girl, from the cOnTiNenT of OceAniA. i have adhd. I figure it’s important to mention my adhd, because it plays a big part into my life and personality, and i’ll probably talk about it quite a bit. i’m a university student- kind of. i’m doing university study but, not a degree or anything. its my 3rd attempt at getting an education and not dropping out and,,,, it’s been difficult. i’m a creative. im trying to read more, write more, draw more. i cant really say what my hobbies are now, because i think i’ve lost a lot of them, but, like i mentioned, trying to pick some up. not really sure what else to mention now. i have an assignment due tomorrow that i havent started though, so i’m gonna go and try to finish that. wish me luck. or dont. :3

pls excuse the horrible grammar i cannot be bothered writing cohesively. not sure why im asking you to excuse me for this. its tumblr. noone cares gfhjgsf

- sauro