and she tastes like violets

Scattered Rays of Sunshine IE // CA

[saylosraysofsunshine]

🤢

[saylosraysofsunshine]

"Till all my teeth are rotten..."

[saylosraysofsunshine]

Favorite scene from Dr.Sleep.

[saylosraysofsunshine]

[saylosraysofsunshine]

Tramadol.

[saylosraysofsunshine]

I'm nodding, and it's okay.

You're mad, and it's alright.

We're distant, and it's all fine.

It's okay, it's all a lie.

[saylosraysofsunshine]

[saylosraysofsunshine]

[saylosraysofsunshine]

[saylosraysofsunshine]

I look back at old photos of myself sometimes, and get jealous of how pretty I was before children and time.

But I then I remember where I was during those photos. Drinking every night and taking one too many muscle relaxers and opiates. I was insecure. I was depressed. I was trying so hard to convince some one to love me, and trying way too hard to convince myself that I deserved to be loved.

Now, I'm a lot less depressed, and a lot less insecure. I with out a doubt know that I am loved and that I deserve to be loved. And instead of binge drinking I indulge myself in the wonderful flavors of wine or maybe a mojito every now and then.

So yes, I may have been more beautiful on the outside. But now I'm beautiful on the inside and outside.

Just little things to remember.

[saylosraysofsunshine]

.angst.

Hello constant friend. Even on a beautiful day, filled with smiles, you await me when I get home.

Hello old friend. Absent anxiety with no point or purpose, no reason in particular, none at all.

Hello persistent friend. I love connecting, I love adventure. But even I need to recharge, to be alone.

But my friend, my anxious friend, even when I am alone... I'm not alone.

[saylosraysofsunshine]

Give me enough love to pour into him, so he doesn't become like his father, so his son doesn't become like his father.

[saylosraysofsunshine]

#rantoftheday

My Mom is in her mid forties. She just recently had another baby, my little brother. He's 2 now. I myself am 25 and my older brother will be 27 in a few months.

Here's the thing, my Mom still acts like a high schooler. I wish I could label it as a mid life crisis, but since she turned 33 it's kind of always been this way. So that's the back information.

So tonight, for example. She has her baby daddy over (he's 25 btw), that's another story. But she also has this other 26 year old over whom she has had physical interactions with in the past, uncomfortable. But the most annoying part is that this person also constantly tries to flirt with me and fight my boyfriend. So I've made it perfectly clear I dont want anything to do with him. And I dont want any involvement in her weird way to spend her time amusing herself.

So tell me why she calls me, while they are both there at her house, I'm at home with my boyfriend sitting next to me, flashes the camera at him and then back to her and says "Aw he's getting mad cause I wont let him talk to my daughter..."

You legit have to stir drama up every where dont you?? Keep in mind, I just spent the weekend at her house visiting my brother and the first night I'm home this is what my boyfriend hears like that doesn't look sketchy ?????? Needless to say, I'm annoyed.

[saylosraysofsunshine]

[saylosraysofsunshine]

[saylosraysofsunshine]

August 2012

I basically hid in my room most of the time, around this time anyways. Readying myself for September 27th.

You could be found sulking at the bottom of another bottle again. Questioning where my brother was and when he'd be home... but he was hiding from you too.

"Mom, he's 18 and out with his girlfriend. I dont know when he's coming home."

You stumble into our room crying, making a scene of yourself. "He needs to be home. He needs to be here. I love him..."

"Mom, I know. I love him too, but its fin-"

"No! No you dont know. I love him more than you."

But sadly, yes Mom. I know you do. You always have.

[saylosraysofsunshine]