There was more.

Here be entries in the journal of one Murphy Roswell. This "blog" is meant to hold entries in a physical journal. It is not an IC blog. Your character cannot read any of these entries. This is for OOC viewing only. NO ONE's character has permission IC or OOC to view the journal.

[saysthejailbird]

I'm lying to myself and letting everyone down.

I say I want to help people, but I can't even fix myself.

I don't know if it's from solitary or something like PTSD, but the things that always made me happy just... don't work anymore.

It's like there's this huge, empty space in me that wants to be filled, but there's a hole in the bottom. Sometimes it fills up when I do things that are supposed to make me happy, but eventually it just drains away anyway. Some days it leaks too fast to actually make feelings of happiness significant.

... I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have started a family, or tried to help these people. In the end I'm just going to collapse and they'll know way too late that they put their trust in incapable hands.

[saysthejailbird]

This was supposed to be full of reminders.

Now it's just a ton of reminders about how shitty I am.

Who's fucking surprised?

[saysthejailbird]

It's the same shit every fucking day.

I'm not getting any better.

[saysthejailbird]

It's funny how far I've come.

I kept everything bottled up around her for thirteen years. Give a few separated, then it's... what, two minutes? before I totally break down.

I don't think I've talked to her once since then without losing my shit.

She must think so little of me now.

[saysthejailbird]

How To Procreate: A Guide by the World's Leading Carol Expert.

1. Find a Carol.

2. Insist you only want to be her friend.

3a. Seduce her with your rugged hobo charms.

3b. Screw up. Everything. Screw up literally everything you ever do in your entire life.

4. Wait 2 units of time for these charms to take effect. Could be 2 minutes, could be 2 years.

5. Never wear condoms, ever, even if you both know you should.

6. ****.

7. Wait 9 months.

8. Profit.

9. Repeat.

[saysthejailbird]

I should probably add "A therapist" to that shopping list.

[saysthejailbird]

The Most Important Shopping List Ever:

Untreated yucca, pine, and balsa

Untreated cedar planks and/or sheets

Paint and sealant

A goddamn shed

Or two

Two sheds.

[saysthejailbird]

Overwhelming by underwhelming.

Or underwhelming by overwhelming.

Nothing in between. My trademark style. 

[saysthejailbird]

Why do I ever let myself be happy? After all the lives I've destroyed, I don't deserve even a wink of happiness.

This isn't working. This medication isn't working. I'm not working.

[saysthejailbird]

How long is it going to be until you admit to a living person that you need help?

[saysthejailbird]

I don't know what to do.

[saysthejailbird]

I'm polite to and I tiptoe around people who are shit and don't deserve it, and I'm irritable and bitchy with the people I care about most.

What the hell's wrong with me?

[saysthejailbird]

I screwed up.

I can't fix this.

I can't even pretend like it this time.

[saysthejailbird]

I almost electrocuted myself today.

Fitting.

[saysthejailbird]

This is fucked. This is all fucked. I'm such shit.

[saysthejailbird]

I don't understand.

I have so much, almost everything I wanted, more than I ever could have hoped to have again.

Why do I still feel empty at the end of the day?

[saysthejailbird]

I really need to figure my shit out.

I can't believe how little I actually know about these people, yet I still care about them so much. But most of all I can't believe I honestly thought I could help them.

I guess that's just it, though. Taking care of a family is what makes me comfortable, feel safe and happy. I really think helping them will help me, but I'm obviously not doing a good enough job right now.

I need to know how to make them feel better. I'm scared to approach anyone outright because that would just prove how inattentive I really am...

But I have to try. They deserve it, and I need it.

I just hope I'm not being too self-serving.