It's happening again.
trying on a metaphor

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It's happening again.
OUR YOUTUBE
“It’s so hard to leave- until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”
— John Green; Paper Towns
Today I'm grateful for the winter sun and the clear blue sky.
I don't want anyone else to have you. I want you and this ongoing.
“So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow.”
— Rainbow Rowell
I am so utterly conflicted on what to do.
This is the most open I have ever been with someone I was with but because of the circumstances there's so much I hold back also.
I knew it would be you from that second day on my sofa, I remember the moment so vividly as we spoke for hours about life and opened up as if we'd known each other for years.
The sun was setting behind you and there was a soft glow all around. And I realised as I had those few times before in life you would be a substantial person in my life.
I've known all the people I would fall for very early on, there's been that feeling with all of you, to make you mine, to make you want me even when you didn't know it yourself. The subtle determination I had astounds even me sometimes.
I want to scream from the rooftops how I feel for you and in that same breath push you off it so I don't have to deal with the upcoming consequences of you leaving.
I want to break it off, for you to hurt me so I hate you, for you to leave me and tell me all the things deep down I anticipated for. I want you to prove to me all the red flags I saw in you and buried are there and that you're a bad person. Because that will make it easier for me cut you out with the strength I've grown into since my last heartache.
Instead I nitpick at the small things I can while you're doing all the right things. My new favourite is when we're in bed and you stroke my face and I swear I've never felt the feeling of home through fingertips. You call me beautiful on the days I feel the worst and I've always thought my self worth is seen through the number on the scales and to tuck each part of my overspilling self out but you hold on to every part with such tenderness and longing.
I want to scream at you you're a liar because who could find me attractive when I've just woken up with my hair out of place and not even a flick of mascara but I know from the way you look and not even just your words that no one could be that much of a good actress. And you make me want to believe it too and sometimes I do for a while before my own thoughts take over. It's hard when you've been trained in a certain way.
You've become such an important person in my life that I think I'm almost at times trying to sabotage it prior so you can't do it to me, if I make an issue because of you then I can win, because I knew it was going to go down that route. But what is the prize? What do I walk away with? A blackened piece of my own self I've chipped away at?
It's okay to let it flow sometimes, not everything needs to be within my grasp and I need to just breathe and enjoy the moments around me instead of constantly anticipating for more. If she's not for you she'll give you so many things you forgot you need to love about yourself.
Gaslighting can happen in any kind of relationship: parental, romantic, professional… And in any case, the gaslighter’s goal is to confuse, manipulate, and demean you. Gaslighters do not want to take any blame or accountability and want the conversation to end as quickly as possible.
Growing up my mom’s catchphrases were “I never said that” or “you’re remembering it wrong.” And as a kid, I believed her. I believed there must be something wrong with ME because she was my mom—a mother, especially one who flaunted her Christianity, wouldn’t lie to her child, right?
But as I got older, this anger and frustration began to bubble up within me. NO I wasn’t wrong. NO I wasn’t remembering it wrong. NO you said something differently to me. But I had no “proof.” I had no evidence except my own memory. It was always my word against hers and she declared herself the winner.
My trust in her and in myself was shattered. How am I supposed to trust my gut and memory when I’m consistently told it’s wrong?
I started taking pictures of the aftermath whenever I could—to this day I have a picture of my trashed bedroom and a weird poop-looking thing my mom put under my bed. Photos were more than memories to me—they were evidence. But I couldn’t even turn it in to her, or she’d go on another rage. Having the evidence, but hiding it away kept me in a confusing state of safety.
But it turns out that I actually have a great memory. I can look at a photo of myself at three years old and know exactly where I was, what I did that day, and who I was with. More often than not, the memories my mother rejected are now validated by other, more trustworthy people.
My mother’s abuse kept me silent and afraid. But after reconnecting with my intuition and compassionately reminding myself that my memory is sound, I do not allow myself to be pushed around.
And my hope, dear reader, is that being aware of these red flags helps you stand your ground as well. Tips on how to talk to a gaslighter coming up!
#gaslighting #gaslightingawareness #gaslightingisabuse #mentalabuse #reparenting #emotionalabuse #emotionalabuseawareness #emotionalabusesurvivor https://www.instagram.com/p/CHa88lfjYzi/?igshid=r6evwwml69n0
You don't realise how things can affect you still years later. I have worked so hard on my healing process but one small trigger takes me right back to feeling how I did then. It's such an odd feeling to feel the most comfortable I have ever felt with someone to fighting with my head to get this insecurity monster to stay at bay.
I have no reason to not believe or trust her, but it's like there's 2 different people in my brain one telling me she didn't stay at her mates you are so gullible and the other telling me I'm being silly and of course she's out having a drink with her friend and missed the train. She said she wouldn't be home that late but out of habit because you've been lied to so many times in your life and had to previously worry constantly you check. (You need to be in control and the know to prepare for anything to come.) The train is at 11.36, so when I know you didn't get that train I know you're staying out, you've told me you're with your best mate but when I wake up from a bad dream in the middle of the night and you're not here I panic.
You didn't tell me, you haven't spoken to me, who are you really with, are you okay, have you fallen asleep on the bus, have you got into a fight, are you drunk? It takes me back to when I was with him waking up and having find out what's happened this time. You're not him. It's not the same situation. But the same feelings of dread rush back.
It's mentally exhausting. I feel like I'm in a constant battle in my head and it's making me want to push her away because I care about her more than I have for anyone in such a long time that I didn't realise i would get these triggers. And it's not fair. It's not fair on you. I'm constantly bringing things up because of my own insecurities and past and you're doing all you can lately to make me feel secure and at ease but I didn't realise how much of a problem I would have with trusting someone to this depth again.
I spent 2 years with him and it's still affecting me 4 years down the line. That relationship made me so strong afterwards as the amount of work I had to do on myself was intense and took a lot of delving into my core to get me to a point where I wouldn't ever allow me to be that person again and wouldn't ever let someone treat me like that again. But I will forever hate the way someone similar and small can happen and I'm sent right back to being that fragile anxious person who was terrified of doing something wrong and upsetting someone because you know another accusation or arguement would ensue.
I won't let it win. I will continue to battle in my head until I let myself be happy.
by friluftsbjerke
alooha: by friluftsbjerke
Little things you can do to upgrade your life
Sit up straight
Walk confidently
Speak slowly and don’t use slang, incorporate new vocabulary.
Think before you speak. Is that TMI? Is that negative? Words are powerful, use them wisely
When someone gives you a compliment, always accept it with a “thank you” even if you disagree
Compliment strangers
Drink a cup of warm water when you wake. It has the same effect as lemon water but it’s better for your teeth
Aim to drink 2L of water a day.
If you drink 30 min before your meal you will eat less. Don’t drink any liquids while you eat or until 30 min after your meal, it’s better for your digestion
Want a flat stomach? Don’t eat anything 4 hours before bed and only eat the size of your fist in carbs per day
Practice mindfulness, notice when your mind wanders and bring your attention back to the present
Meditate 5 min every morning or in bed at night
Charge your phone in the living room at night so you’re not tempted to look at it before bed or first thing in the morning. Plus, you’ll have to get up to turn the alarm off so you won’t snooze
Make your bed every morning
Clutter is mentally toxic, keep only what you need and keep it tidy
Aim to only clean your home for 5 minutes a day. You’ll probably end up doing more. This trick works for anything you don’t want to do
When shopping, don’t buy things the same day. If you still want them after a few days, go back
Always do your best. Always
Forget motivation. Count from 5 to 1 if you need to do something you don’t want to. It tricks your brain. You can also focus on how you’ll feel once you’ve completed the task instead of thinking of the task itself.
Buy fresh flowers for your home.
Pamper yourself. You can do it yourself at home
Get massages. You can get Groupons
Always have manicured nails and toes. Sèche Vite top coat is a must!
Buy nice pyjamas and lounge wear. Look good for yourself.
Listen to classical music when you study and when you clean your home
Listen to music when you drive. While others will be road raging, you’ll be too busy vibing to notice
Use the 50/30/20 rule for your finances. 50% on living expenses, 30% on entertainment and shopping and 20% in savings
Take advantage of banks offering money to open new accounts
Have an emergency fund: 3-6 months worth of living expenses in a high interest savings account
Celebrate every time you get money whether it’s in interest, pay checks or even money you find on the floor. You can just do a little dance. You’ll attract more wealth.
Leave money around your house. It will be a reminder that money is abundant.
Watch only 1h of TV a day and no reality TV
Don’t read gossip magazines/blogs.
Get a library card and read at least one book a month.
Cut out toxic people. If you can’t, try not to be around them as much
Socialize with loved ones a bit everyday even if it’s just a phone call. It’s good for morale
Treat everyone with respect. If someone disrespects you, know that it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and don’t get caught up in it, keep your composure, you’re better than that
Take up a hobby or two, you’ll be a more interesting, well-rounded person
Listen to podcasts
Try only changing one thing at a time. 3 months of consistency doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods, but it’s the foundation. Don’t be too hard on yourself when you stray. Habits you’ve had for 20-30-40 years will not be easy to change. Baby steps ;)
“You don’t destroy people you care about. That’s not how it works, that should never be an option. Choose laughter. Choose peace. Choose love.”
— R.M. Drake
I feel in a weird place in my head right now, I've completely fallen off track and I'm off balance.
I think what I'm fighting is the mundane. I need to stop chasing the highs, I know this is toxic and will end In tears and not just for me. But there's an overwhelming urge to carry it on. I haven't felt a magnetism like this in a long time. I think maybe I haven't felt in a long time and you have brought sparks I thought were buried.