Scarlette Mae

Just a girl trying to escape the old world. // RP

[scarlettemaepolanski]

Who is the woman who lives inside of me? It’s like I’m living with a complete stranger crammed inside some shitty New York loft. We share the same bed, the same secrets, the same toothbrush, but she is not me. This woman is the one I keep locked away for my own safety, she is cruel, dangerous. She speaks as if words have no repercussions and she acts as though she has nothing to live for. Sometimes the fight of keeping her in makes me want to scream, makes me want to cave and allow her to take control; But I have to hold on. I have this grip on happiness that I have never had before, it was a feeling so overwhelming that for a while I forgot she was lingering within the shadows of my own mind. It was so easy to dismiss her as if she never existed, so easy to let her slither back into the spotlight; the itching voice in the back of my head. Sometimes I feel like if I jump out of a building, I’ll smack my head hard enough on the pavement to get her out, or maybe hard enough to get me out. When I was young she was the me that I wanted to be, she was fearless, emotionless, strong. She was what I needed to be back then, but now, I don’t need to be distanced from my own life. I want to live, and experience and be a version of myself I’ve never been before. I’ve never given her a name because when I see her she looks like me… Right down to the most minute freckle on my cheek and the curve of my lips. Everything about her looks like me until you look into her eyes, they’re dark, there’s nothing there but the pain that I’ve been trying to forget about all of these years; she’ll never let me forget. So what do you do to a roommate who just refuses to leave? Perhaps you pack up your own bags and get out while you still can.

[scarlettemaepolanski]

It was an early church Sunday; the sun had just risen out across the sandy desert plain. Scarlette stood at her bedroom window which still glanced a bit at the top of the dirt mountains stretched out ahead of her. Of course, her main view was that of the cement wall that caged them all in like animals. “Scarlette, you must be getting ready now.” This voice came from that of one of Isaiah’s other wives, Vanessa. Vanessa was around 25 and she had yet to find someone to marry, so Isaiah agreed to marry her in the pretense that if she lived her life without a spouse she would certainly end up in hell. She was a homely woman, but she was kind, and she always took on a mother role within the house. “If you aren’t sitting right there in that front pew in 10 minutes, you know the consequences will be great.” She quickly shuffled out of the bedroom that Isaiah shared with Scarlette, a “luxury” that the other women weren’t afforded. Scarlette never wanted this, she didn’t want to be the woman who had to walk into God’s house with a shiner and a busted lip, she didn’t want the church to know that she was a bad wife, and she didn’t want to see the disappointed look in her father’s eyes.

She had managed to keep a spoon with some ice and held that one her face all morning, allowing a bit of the swelling to go down before she had to see anyone. Of course, it would never be talked about, how a man chose to discipline his own property was his own prerogative. It was however he saw fit, and even if it wasn’t, Isaiah was above any kind of law. As she reached up to her face her fingers gently pressed against the bruise around her eye, wincing a bit as she let out a heavy sigh. She could still remember the thud it made when his fist collided with her cheekbone, she swore had he swung any harder he would have cracked the bone. She now began to dress herself, pulling on any of the clothes that would cover the marks along her body, especially the fingerprints on her neck, arms and thighs. The church would think differently of their leader if they had known what a sexual deviant he was, and if they could see the skin on her behind, they would nearly cringe.

She had finally made it to the chapel, of course she was about a minute late, only walking on as the very first cord rang out through the room from the organ. She tried to keep her head down, shuffling to her seat only peeking up to see Isaiah, and she knew the look in his eyes and he wasn’t pleased with her. She could feel a heavy knot in her stomach, knowing that as soon as they got home and he shut the door that she would be left at his mercy. She’d remembered ways he’d punished her before, tying her down to the cold wooden floor, beating her raw with a belt before forcing himself on her. This man had caused so much paint to the young girl and claimed it in the name of God, she now felt hollow on the inside. Every time he beat her she seemed to go to a different world, it must have been boring for him to fuck a lifeless corpse, but he didn’t seem to mind, he never seemed to mind. She listened to the lovely sound that spilled out from the organ, the song that meant that it was over and it was time to go home.

She stood up quickly, rushing out of the door and across the dirt path to their home. She ran inside and down the hall to their bedroom where she quickly slammed the door shut, attempting to use a broom handle propped up under the door to keep it shut. “Scarlette!” The deep voice billowed through the house and her hands began to shake, she should have been on time, she should have worn her shame out for everyone to see what an ungrateful wife she was. She fell to the floor and scooted her body back until it pressed against the wall, wishing she could just shrink down into nothing. She heard him now beating at the door, kicking, and her tears began to roll down her pink cheeks. She normally didn’t cry anymore, but this time, she wasn’t crying because she was afraid, she was crying because she knew that this was all her life was meant to be. When the door finally busted open she could see the fury in his eyes like never before, not only had she been late, but now she was hiding from him and to Isaiah, that just wasn’t acceptable. He reached down to grab a fistful of her long blonde hair, yanking the small girl up to her feet. “Do you think it’s okay to disrespect me like that in front of everyone? Huh!” He screamed as his opposing hand reached up to squeeze at her face enough that she felt like her jaw might pop. “You know if I didn’t love fucking you so much you’d be worthless. Worthless as a wife, and worthless to God.” He then tossed her down to the ground like she was a piece of garbage he was getting rid of. She stayed on the floor as she felt his foot collide with her ribs, then again, and again. When his foot finally came back for one last blow to the side of her head she could feel everything go black.

When she finally came back into consciousness she heard the running of the bathtub and she could feel the water surrounding her body. Her hands had been tightly tied to the faucet as she sat naked and he stood there beside her. “I’m sorry…” She said softly as she sobbed, the burning hot water causing her skin to feel as if it was on fire. Isaiah let out a soft sigh as he dropped down to his knees beside the tub, bringing up washcloth to dip it in the water before dabbing at her bloody face. “Scarlette sometimes, I just don’t know what to do with you… God is telling me that you don’t deserve his love.” He began to wash her, his fingers lingering in the places that made her distance her mind from her body. “But, I think I have found a solution, my pretty angel.” He said as he cupped her face, her head jerking away from his touch. “We’re going to wash away those sins…”

There was something sinister in his voice, and she couldn’t tell what he meant. “No… I’m sorry; I promise I will never be late again…” She said as she begged him, doing her best to try and wiggle free from the ropes that held her tied. “Scarlette, you need to show God you really love him, and that you really are sorry for your sins.” He began to untie her hands, still holding her wrists in his large grip as he began to pray. “I’m sorry Scarlette, but this is Gods will.” He said as his free hand moved up to press at her forehead, shoving her body back down into the water. She could feel it burning her, but she mostly could feel the water that she’d inhaled. She coughed, only sucking in more and more water as she struggled to break free. Was this how it was finally going to happen? A strange wave of calm rushed over her body as she let go, she stopped fighting; and slowly she could feel herself slipping off into the darkness.

[scarlettemaepolanski]

If you would have told me 10 years ago what kind of person I turned into now, I wouldn’t have believed you. Because that 17 year old girl was wide eyes and ready to experience everything that the world had to offer her. If someone would have told me about the hurt I would eventually cause people, or the pure pain I thrive on watching people endure, I would have probably been sick. I guess you don’t know how fucked up you are until one day you wake up and say wow, what the fuck is happening inside of my own head. Sometimes, I feel like a prisoner to my own mind, like Scarlette has to take a back seat and this other person in there pulls the strings. Scarlette is the one with emotion, the one who loves, the one who hurts, and this thing is just nothing but hate. It’s hate for the past, hate for humanity and hate for faith.

One day I know I will be strong enough to make this stranger leave, one day I will tell them to fuck off because I want to be happy and normal. I want to wake up on a Sunday morning and drink coffee on my front porch, and have little mini me’s who run around in front of the house and play. I want to have the man that I am madly in love with me by my side, that’s what I want. The stranger wants us to be alone, just me and her doped up on whatever high we can get our hands on. She wants to watch me struggle, she thrives on the pain. Maybe that’s why she enjoys inflicting so much on others.

I once had a flower as a girl, and every day I would sit around and hope to watch it bloom. But day after day passed and I waited, thinking the next morning I would wake up and there would be this beautiful flower to see and each morning I was disappointed. I ran to that flower every morning in hopes to see it bloom until eventually the bulb withered and died. Perhaps that was a way of the universe telling me about my own life, this little baby flower who just never blooms. Who stays in her same ugly shell her entire life, never daring to change or be the true beautiful lily she was meant to be

[scarlettemaepolanski]

You come beating like moth's wings Spastic and violently Whipping me into a storm Shaking me down to the core But you run away from me And you left me shimmering Like diamond wedding rings Spinning dizzily down on the floor You're just like your father Buried deep under the water You're resting on your laurels And stepping on my toes Whose side are you on? What side is this anyway? Put down your sword and crown Come lay with me on the ground

[scarlettemaepolanski]

-

When I was 16 years old, I felt like I had lost my faith. I knew that the god I had been sold my entire life was a lie, for in my eyes there was no god who would do the things that I had seen. There was no god who would allow one sick man power over so many people.. For so long in my life I felt like I had a purpose, we were the chosen people, we were going to help the world. When we were ready we were going to completely dedicate our life to our mission and we were going to help those who had not yet found the love of god we had all somehow been blessed with from birth. But of course, that never happened, your words were just full of empty promises and lies. 

Now here I am, all these years later finally finding my faith restored. My faith is restored in you; you have shown me who I am. You are what I want to get down on my knee’s and pray to, and you are the one who brings me strength. I have never felt stronger than I do when I am with you. We are together as one, our souls have been intertwined and I want to dedicate my entire life to you. 

You are my religion.  

[scarlettemaepolanski]

Chapter 1

“So, Miss. Polanski, why don’t you tell us what happened.” The mildly overweight officer sat in a plastic chair across the room from the young girl. She couldn’t help but notice the receding hairline and the fact that it didn’t appear like he gave any more of a shit than the people she’d just run away from. “I…” She whispered, not because she wanted to but because she found it to be the loudest volume that actually made it past her lips. On the inside she was screaming, she was crying, she was begging for him to help her, but her body was too well trained, she knew who she was speaking with and the stigma that came with it. “Come on, kid. You have to give me something, why are you here?” He seemed to be getting a little irritated with the young blonde now, his fingers anxiously tapping against the flimsy pop up table that separated them.

 Of course she didn’t expect to walk into luxury at the Ocotillo Sheriff Department, but she expected something. “Alright kid, well you can sit in here then and think about what it is you have to tell me.” Scarlette sat there nervously; these police had poked around the edge of the compound, desperately trying to figure out what was happening within its walls. She knew that they wanted to know the story she had to tell, but had she made a mistake? This story would be one that would crush everyone she knew, not a soul was safe from the wrecking ball of her memory. She sat in the room for hours, contemplating. Honestly, it felt nice to finally feel alone in a room. At Isaiah’s house she had 2 other wives sleeping in her room, and if not, she was stuck in the room with him. 

Finally something inside of her spoke up “Excuse me!” She yelled, it didn’t take long for a different man to come into the cold white room. This man seemed more kind, he was older, probably mid 40’s, salt and pepper hair hidden beneath his cowboy hat. “Hey there Miss.” He said before removing the hat, setting it on the table before he sat down, he wasn’t wearing a uniform, why? Was he someone sent by Isaiah to bring her home? “I’m Detective Briggs.” He said as he leaned into the table. “Now, I have a sinking suspicion that I know why you’re here, but why don’t you tell me.” He sat back in his chair, waiting on her to take the lead, and something about him made her feel better; safe, maybe it was the kindness in his eyes, or the way his smile tilted just a little bit more to the left. 

“Well... I was born into the Children of God Church.” She said simply as she watched his eyes widen. She couldn’t help but fiddle, her finger picking at the edge of the table. She knew from being in town a couple of times that people wanted to know what it was about, but they were forbidden from talking to them, they weren’t allowed to share the joy of their faith, of course looking back now she realized there wasn’t much joy to share. “I am Isaiah Zollinger’s first wife.” She knew the name alone would be enough for the man to have a plethora of questions for her. Instead of asking he just simply rose from the chair, walking to the door where he opened it. “Someone get a video rolling, we’ve got him.” He said simply to someone in the hall and the pit in her stomach made her feel as if her entire world was about to shatter into a million unknown pieces and she would be left to try and glue those pieces back together alone.  

[scarlettemaepolanski]

Chapter 2

I can still remember the first day I met Isaiah, it was such a big day for our church. Up until that point his father had been the one leading our congregation, but with his health quickly declining Isaiah arrived to take his place. I was only 5 years old at the time, but I can remember being so drawn to him. I wanted to listen to every sermon he gave, and it seemed to grow to a point where I was going out of my way to be around him through the years. My sisters and I would all lurk around where we knew he would be, and giggle and scatter the moment he caught us, it all seems like good fun now, the little girls giddy over this older man; but the truth was actually much darker than that.

He always had a few days a week where he would come into school, which I suppose looking back now wasn’t really a school as much as it was a small building where a bunch of us were spoon-fed the lies of our church. He would come in and teach us, he would tell us amazing stories about his times in other countries spreading gospel and our teachings to the lost souls that inhabited those poverty stricken cities, and he was like a superhero to us. So as we grew older and Isaiah still hadn’t taken a wife, it was shocking, he was good looking, knowledgeable, charismatic, we just didn’t understand it. At least, not until I was 10, that’s when I guess you could say that things took a turn in a different direction.

Isaiah had been spending a lot more time teaching in the school, and he had been very close with my father. So, he would ask me to come to his home and do the chores that a wife would normally do, and as my father said it was a privilege so I treated it as such. Every day after classes I would go over to his home and do the dishes, mop the floor, which was until one day when he asked me to help him make his bed. Of course, I followed him and we began pulling the quilt across the mattress. “You know Scarlette, one day you are going to be my wife, and an excellent wife at that.” It was a little shocking, but age aside hearing that from him was incredible, it was like my hard work in classes and at his home had paid off. As women our ultimate calling was as a wife and a mother and I was so young knowing that one day I would be married to the most powerful man in the church made me giddy. “God has spoken to me directly Scarlette, come here, sit with me.” He told me, he patted the spot besides him and I went to him without any hesitation. He told me what a beautiful woman I was going to grow up to be, he put his hands on mine and said that I just had to be patient and one day it would all be worth it.

I immediately ran home to my mother, spilling my guts about everything Isaiah had said to me, I was sure she was going to be proud. Instead I received a quick slap that nearly knocked me to the floor. My momma always had a hand much heavier than it looked, which is part of the reason my siblings and I were always so afraid of her. “You must not lie about such serious matters; there are a dozen women that Isaiah can marry, or will marry that are older. How silly of you to think he would chose you.” I guess you could say that was when I realized really what a cold bitch my mother was, always so bitter, even though I knew the way she looked at Isaiah. I knew the way she looked at all the men on the compound who weren’t my father.

After that night I was utterly convinced I had made the whole thing up, of course he didn’t tell me those things, I was only 10. And for the next two years he didn’t ask me over, he didn’t speak directly to me, he would still look at me; I would catch him occasionally in church, in class. When he looked at me it felt like a fire was burning right through me, his piercing blue eyes making it that much harder for me to forget what he had said. But then, out of the blue he asked me back over, he said his house didn’t feel the same without me in it. So that night I put on my best skirt, which was still a pile of rags stitched together and a blouse that was from when I was much younger, a little tight, something I knew my mother would beat me for, but I didn’t care. I rushed over to his home to make sure that all of the chores were done before he came back from a church meeting; I had that house spotless, it looked better than it ever looked before. I of course, was a little messy, sweaty and had completely ruined the allure I was originally trying to portray.

When he finally came home, he was grateful. He had told me what a good job I’d done and that he was sorry for staying so distant from me for so long. He told me that the lord had told him to be patient, and that the time for waiting was almost over, and that he was allowed to have me back in his life again. He brushed the hair away from my face, and he caressed my cheek and I felt like the most special girl in the world. I hadn’t even become a woman yet and this man wanted to be with me, it was a life changing experience. We talked all night that night, I didn’t go home, but I knew I didn’t have to. He told me that even though I was only 12 that I looked much older, and I was much wiser than the average child and that is why God chose me for him. He filled my head with how pretty I was, and how much he just wanted to know what my lips tasted like. I kissed him that night; he told me that because God had already chosen us it was alright. I can still remember his hand moving up my skirt, the way his fingers felt, the way I begged for more…

[scarlettemaepolanski]

Chapter 3

“Scarlette, God came to me with this plan, this is his will and you will obey it.” Isaiah’s hand rested at Scarlette’s thigh, his thumb rubbing over the silk dress in a way of comforting her. Scarlette was too young to comprehend the idea of marriage, of course she knew what it meant to be a wife, but she had no idea what to expect behind closed doors. She kept quiet, just nodding along with him, plastering a smile on her face as he dismissed himself from the room. “He’s a good man, Scarlette, and you are so incredibly lucky that God has chosen you to be his wife.” One of the women helping dress her said, her mother seemed to be stewing in the corner, she was always a woman who looked as if she had no joy in her life. “Leave us, please.” Her mother said, waiting until the rest of the woman left the room. Scarlette starred at herself in the mirror, they’d allowed her to put on some makeup, which she’d never worn and the silk wedding dress that revealed to the world that she was starting to develop the shape of a woman. “Aren’t you happy for me, mama?” Scarlette asked as she glanced over her shoulder to the woman who approached her, an almost frown on her face as she leaned down to look at herself in the mirror with her daughter. “I can see that you’re scared, child... But, this is the leader of our church, you don’t deserve him, you should be happy that God chose you, otherwise you’d end up with a husband who meant nothing and a life that meant nothing.” Her mother’s words were always sharp like that of the blade of a knife, cutting into the young girl more than anyone else ever could. “So, put that smile on, and get out there. You wouldn’t want to disobey God, would you?” 

It was always so unfair how she was depicted as a non-believer just because she didn’t rejoice now at the idea of being married, she was only 13 after all. But as she stood at the chapel doors, she heard the music start playing and she knew that it was time. The doors were pulled open and she saw all the smiling faces inside, how could someone possibly be happy at the idea of a man marrying a child? Her father held onto her arm tightly as if almost dragging her down the aisle, each step feeling like a mile as she walked closer and closer to her betrothed.  When they reached the end, her father leaned down to place a kiss on her cheek as he whispered softly “I’m sorry.” She took a deep breath as a single tear ran down her cheek and he left her, Isaiah taking her hands into his as the ceremony began. Each bible verse, and so called word of God that was spoken made Scarlette cringe, there was no God who would make her do this when she wasn’t ready, at least no longer in her eyes. 

“Do you Isaiah; take this woman, to be your lawfully wedded wife?” The man asked, Isaiah flashing her one of those charming smiled he always managed to conjure up when he needed it “I do.” He squeezed her hand, probably feeling her heart racing as she was repeated the same question. But, unlike him, she didn’t answer right away, it felt like one of those nightmares where you’re just screaming and screaming and yet no one hears you. She looked around the room, and then at her mother whose eyes alone told her to shut up and do it. She took a deep breath before allowing that familiar forced smile to take over her lips. “I do.” She said as the man announced them as man and wife. “You may not kiss the bride.” She said, Isaiah’s hand pulling her into him, dipping her down as he pressed his lips against hers, her tears now filling her eyes as everyone clapped. She had been a prisoner her entire life, and now she was a slave. Destined to serve him for the rest of her days, or live out the rest of her life as a non-believer, never able to speak with her friends or family again. 

[scarlettemaepolanski]

“Scarlette, one day I am going to make you mine, you know?” That was when he flashed one of those intoxicating smiles that I couldn’t get enough of. “God came to me in a vision and he told me how I was going to lead us, and it was with you by my side.. I know you’re young now, but soon it will be.” His hand slowly reached down to rest on my knee, I can still remember the way he squeezed it in an attempt to make me feel more ‘comfortable.’ I could remember feeling almost giddy, it wasn’t every day that a girl like me was told I was going to help lead our people when the day came, right at Isaiah’s side.. It was a blessing and an honor at the time, and my brain was swirling at a million miles a second. Thats when his fingers began to pull up on the fabric, I was only 12 then but his hand inched beneath the skirt. He told me how soft my skin was.. And then he kissed me. It was the first real kiss I’d ever had.. I didn’t have a single clue what I was doing, but his lips seemed so familiar to me, I couldn’t help but grab onto him and beg for more. I wanted to feel like it was wrong, but I didn’t.. He was handsome and from what I knew he was kind and he was the man God had chosen for me, what was there to worry about? I suppose the joke was on me, right? Back then I didn’t feel like I was trapped on the compound, I didn’t know how the real world worked and everything seemed so good.. I loved that man, I loved him with every cell in my body; He was the first person to ever notice me, and despite the monster he became, it’s hard to forget that.

[scarlettemaepolanski]

Primetime Angel. 

          Scarlette’s hands shook as a group of people surrounded her, one person holding some kind of brush that they continued to drag across her face causing a bit of a sour expression on her face. Another pulled at her hair, burning the tip of her ear with some sort of metal stick she’d never seen before. There were a few other just talking with these weird headbands they kept talking into. To say she was out of her element would be a grand understatement. “Excuse me..” She muttered softly, no one even bothering to acknowledge the fact that she’d said anything. Her heart was beating a thousand miles a minute, she’d never been around this many people at one time and she was doing her best to stay calm, but in the back of her mind she knew that she was going to have to do this. Court was done and over, Isaiah was in jail, but now it was time for her to make a life for herself, and she was willing to do that at any cost. “Are you ready?” The woman asked as she led her into the living room of the small apartment the prosecutor had set her up with in L.A.            

          There sitting on the couch was a nice looking woman, she was older, but she had a trusting look on her face. To any normal american they would know it was Diane Sawyer, but to Scarlette she was just another person asking her questions. “Well, Hello, Scarlette, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” She extended her hand, but Scarlette sat down, public or not she didn’t know the woman and she wasn’t ready to shake her hand. There were people all around them, camera’s everywhere, bright lights that made her feel like she was 2 inches tall. “Nice to meet you..” She muttered as her eyes darted across the room, doing anything to make herself appear normal, but nothing about this was normal. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, her hair, her face, everything looked different.. Better. “So Scarlette, why don’t you start off by telling us a little bit about Eden..” Scarlette didn’t look up to answer any of the questions, but she tried to answer as best as her mind would allow her too. “At first I didn’t notice anything was wrong.. I mean, I got to live in a place where I saw all of my friends all the time, we went to school, we went to church, ate, slept everything together..” She cleared her throat as she finally forced her eyes to meet the woman gaze. “The women mostly stayed in and cooked and cleaned and kept house while the men all did things to make sure we were functioning properly, gardening, teaching, building..”           

         The two sat on the couch where they talked for what felt like hours and hours and Diane questioned every little moment of Scarlette’s life. Of course, cults were hot right now, even the detective on her case advised her to do these interviews, to sign for a book deal, a movie deal, whatever they would give her so that she could live comfortably. “Scarlette, tell me how you first met Isaiah..” And that was the question she;d been dreading because she knew it would only lead to more painful questions. “Isaiah came to Eden when I was 8. He taught us our religion classes.. He always did his best to help us, to make sure we were learning the word of the Lord.. He always asked me to stay after class and I never understood why, but- I had a crush on him.” She stopped, letting out a heavy sigh. “All of us girls had a crush on him, he was handsome and we knew he didn’t have a wife and we all secretly wished as we got older, but I had no Idea when I was 13 my mother was going to tell me God had spoken to him and I was to be his wife… Well, his first wife, definitely not the only.” “When was the first time he forced himself on you?” Well, she just outright said it, catching Scar off guard, her face flushing white. Where she came from, this wasn’t something you discussed out loud, it still felt dirty. “Well, when I was younger he used to.. run his hands up my skirt, he would feel.. He would tell me how he couldn’t wait to really feel it, to taste it.. Which I never understood until it happened..” She could see the look of Diane shocked. “He forced me to give him oral sex before our wedding, but at this point we felt like teenage sneaking around.. It was exciting.. Then on our wedding night…” She took a deep breath, her teeth biting into her lower lip. “Our wedding night was when he showed me his inner demons, and I can promise you, whatever you’re thinking, they were 100 times worse..” 

[scarlettemaepolanski]

You once told me you were Christ in the flesh. And like a loyal servant I bowed to you, I kissed your feet and I begged for permission into your holy temple. You took my young hand and you asked me to follow you, your smile was so trusting and your eyes seemed so inviting. Even at the young age of 13 I craved to be around you, I wasn’t ever quite sure why. You made me your wife before I even became a woman, I thought I was special. I thought God saw something in me. It didn’t take me long to see the lies and abuse that fueled you. There was nothing more beautiful in life than watching you take your last breath, it’s a memory I’ll carry with me forever.

[scarlettemaepolanski]

Do you remember when I was 10 years old? I do. Most kids at 8 are starting the 5th grade and starting to make friends and become more independent thinkers, but not me. I was a cute kid, a little awkward and scrawny, but you always knew I’d grow into my body, at least that’s what you always told me. Well, we never really had grades, there were only so many kids, we just had one class, and it was taught by you. Now, this was before you were in charge, no one knew you as christ in the flesh, that was your father, of course he never dared better those words. Your father was a mean man, but he was god fearing mean, he wasn’t sadistic mean like you, I’m not sure where you inherited that.

Remember the day you asked me to help you take some supplies back to your house?  I had the biggest crush on you, you were so handsome. You had this jet black hair that so perfectly always hung across your forehead and a smile for days. All the girls at school fawned over you, and the older girls always told us about how you didn’t have a wife, and that their mothers told them if they presented themselves correctly they might be chosen when they were old enough. Of course, I was much too young, I knew it would never be me, I mean, all the boys on the compound made fun of how thin I was anyway, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to be someone’s wife.

But that night you took me into your house, you sat me down while you sat on your knees before me. You told me that god had already picked me for him, even though I was so young. “We have to keep it a secret until God say’s its time to tell.”  You said I was your wife already in god’s eyes and as a wife it was time to start doing things wives did for their husbands. I wanted to tell my mother, but in a way I think she knew. I never confronted her about that, because, what’s the point? What would she have done? Stood up against the leaders son? No, she’d just be exiled, and my parents didn’t know how to live anywhere but there.

I fell in love with you before I could understand it, I trusted you with my whole heart and soul. You always promised me that you would take care of me, watch out for me, but instead you were the monsters lurking behind closed doors, you were the thing I should have feared. And to this day I can’t admit that I loved you, that I was manipulated into feeling the way I did. I was controlled into staying calm and quiet.. I hope now, while you sit inside that cell you think about how you ruined me. I want you to think about how it must have felt for me as a 10 year old little girl to have you rip my thighs apart, promising this is what god wanted. I hope that every single thing you did to me plays over and over in your head until the day you are released, and I promise on that day, I’ll be the last thing you see.

[scarlettemaepolanski]

People frequently ask me why I chose to have such a strange word tattoo’d on my hand.. They ask if maybe that was the last name of someone, or if I really just liked the animal. But, the truth is, about a year after you left I needed something. I needed a little piece of you on me that told me you were out there somewhere, and every time my eyes read over that word, I knew that everything with us was real, and it wasn’t some figment of my imagination. I always knew I was crazy, and so did you, but we were both a little crazy, huh? My crazy brought out more of yours, and yours brought out more of mine, I suppose you could say that kind of relationship is toxic.. But, what I say is that it wasn’t a relationship, what we had could never be summed up into such a small meaningless word. You were my life.

I always joked about how you were the big bad wolf, and one day you saw me in my little red cloak and you just knew you had to have me. I knew the second I saw you that you were trouble, I could feel your eyes on me and it was as if you had a big flashing neon sign above you telling me to run the other way, but instead I was pulled in. Now, in the story, the wolf devours little red riding hood, but that’s not really how our story went, was it? You’ve always been my big bad wolf, the one I wasn’t supposed to care about, the one that made me truly know what it felt like to be alive. When you left I thought that was it, I thought that your face was that of someone I’d never see again, or even worse I thought maybe I’d dreamed up the entire thing in some sort of doped up hallucination.. But then, you came home.

My wolf is back.

[scarlettemaepolanski]

Isaiah always said I was a "precocious little girl." I can remember days when I was too young to understand the way he looked at me, or the way he spoke to me. When I was younger he was like a father to me, when I fell off my bike, or when I got picked on, Isaiah was always the one to console me.. I remember the first broken bone I ever had, I was around 11 at the time. You scooped me up into your arms and carried me to your truck, when you buckled me in you told me that you'd always be there to protect me.. And even I can admit, when my mother told me I was to marry you, I was excited. I mean, not every girl on the compound was chosen so early in life, but God had chosen me for Isaiah, this incredible man who led our day to day lives. Of course I didn't comprehend that I was too young because, in our church it wasn't too young, it was actually quite normal. The first year we were married I saw signs that he wasn't the leader I thought he was, it was small things at first. It started with sex, it became more violent and I grew to find it normal because he was the only man if ever been with, so if he was doing these things to me, that had to be what everyone did. The second thing was your temper, I'd never known you to get angry and then suddenly when I didn't clean the kitchen, or when dinner wasn't ready at the right time you'd go crazy. Of course, you didn't hit me until after you'd gained more wives, I guess there were more of us to piss you off. But no matter what you always told me that I was the first, I was special, I was the one you loved. And somehow I was your true love, I was your everything and you still forced me to mess around with the other wives while you watched.. You still punched me so hard you broke my nose, and you still locked me in that room for days when I "sinned." From the time when I was a little girl I knew you were there to protect me, but, who was there to protect me from you?

[scarlettemaepolanski]

I can still remember our “wedding night.” Of course, I do my best to attempt to forget. I spend my time submerged in beautiful surroundings, interesting books, and delightful music to attempt to block those haunting memories of my past. My older sister had told me a bit about it, but I told Penelope I wasn’t ready, we were both scared for me. Of course, being only 14 my fears were basically undeniable. As we were leaving the gathering my mother gave me a look, and I expected her to feel sympathy for me, but instead she just pulled me in for a hug, her lips close to my ear as she whispered “We do what we need to do for our husbands, that’s gods way. And now it’s your turn to do your duties as a wife. I’m so proud of you.” She pulled away and kissed me on the cheek, she knew I wasn’t going to come back the same person, and she let it happen. I had always read in books that mothers just had this thing inside of them that made them protect their offspring, but I suppose my mother was missing that fire. In the moments leaving my friends and family behind in that church I felt like I’d rather die than move onto this life I had supposedly been called upon for by God. And can you imagine the amount of conflict I had running inside of me? I was so young, I shouldn’t have been battling what I felt was right and what the church said was right, God was suppose to guide me to a brighter path, isn’t that what faith is all about? Isaiah took my back to the house that night, his first wife, it was quiet, cold. Everything was in a particular order, everything arranged from large to small, or by color. He sat me on the edge of the bed as he began to undress himself from the clothes he wore, slowly unbuttoning the dress shirt that I’d previously thought made him look more handsome. He was being sweet, nice, even telling me he understood why I would be scared, but in a moment, his entire demeanor changed. His smile had faded, and he stood before me and demanded that I get undressed. Up until that point I didn’t really have any reasons to fear him in that way, but there was a look that took over his eyes that night that made me know he wasn’t the kind-hearted soul I knew him to be, he was evil.

[scarlettemaepolanski]

Do you remember my 17th birthday? I do. I remember the cake the other girls made for me, everything that I liked. It was a vanilla cake with chocolate frosting, it wasn’t very often that you allowed us to eat whatever we wanted. You always said that God liked healthy bodies, and sweets would make us sick. I ate three huge pieces of that fucking cake before I felt like I might throw it up. You watched me eat each piece, your eyes on me the entire time, but I didn’t care. As I swallowed the last bite you rose from your chair and smacked me out of mine. “Gluttony is a sin.” You told me, and I cowered from you because I felt like I’d been tricked. You told me I had to purge myself of this sin, and you stripped me from all of my clothes, making me walk to the bathroom naked, all the other wives watching. You pushed me into the tub and shoved your fingers down my throat until I began to vomit.. Once I was finished you wiped my face with a rag and told me I was pretty, and you told me how clean and pure I was now. You said that God had chosen me to keep you company for the evening. Happy Birthday, Scarlette.

[scarlettemaepolanski]

You told me that I would never leave you. You said that I was the angel God sent down to him, the woman to stand by his side and worship at his feet. You said that the other girls were only there to fulfill your needs as a man. Now that I look back on the way things were, I’d say you loved me. Of course now that I’m older I know how you were feeling was sick and wrong. But, at at time, I felt like I was lucky. I mean, how many 13 year old girls were able to say that they were the wife of “Christ in the flesh”? And for a while, I boasted about my new found status within the church, I felt like royalty. As I sat in those pews in my tattered clothes, dirty hair, you would look at me, and everyone knew that I was yours. That was exciting to me then, I was young, the only thing I cared about was being desired. But you didn’t like that did you? You didn’t like that I wasn’t attracted to you, it infuriated you. I remember when you found me flirting with the Johnson boy, he really wanted me. He was only 16 at the time and you told me how disgusting I was. Meanwhile, you were the 36 year old man married to a 14 year old. I wish I would have fucked him, maybe then at least the beating I earned would have been worth a shit. After that, every time we had a gathering I made sure you saw me looking at other men. For years and years you watched me grow more and more disgusted as you crawled on top of me to fulfill your needs, now cringing at your touch. You asked me if I wanted to go to hell for disobeying you as a husband. You said “Scarlette, you will do what a wife is supposed to. And you will please your husband just as you are pleasing God.” He then knocked me to the floor and began kicking me until I felt my ribs cracking. I don’t think I’ve ever screamed louder in my life. That was the night I knew I was ready to leave that life.