my father was a simple and easily-identifiable evil, so it was easy to mistakenly assume that i wasn't like him, and miss the very obvious, plain-as-day fact that i am still a very bad person. i might not be as blatantly sadistic, but i am still harmful in a way which is honestly more pathetic and cowardly. he was exceedingly easy to hate, so i didn't realize at first how badly i failed to be significantly different from him. somehow, i managed to cause catastrophic emotional trauma to everyone who got close to me, without laying a finger on any of them, without a drop of effort, and somehow all whilst managing to fool both the victims and myself into thinking i have the capacity for real empathy.
i have been aware of this ugliness for years now, but somehow all my efforts to change have been totally fruitless. i'm the same egotistical, spoiled loser i always have been.
people keep telling me not to kill myself for some inscrutable reason, and i'm scared of hurting them worse than i already have, so i listen. i force myself to live even when i know i deserve slaughter and know they would be healthier, stronger people without me.
why is simply staying alive at other people's behest the sole thing i am capable of doing right, when everything else - like actually doing something about the hideous nature of my personality - never comes close to working out?
there is no excuse for what i am and the complete lack of progress i have made. anyone else would flourish into a wonderful, exemplary human being after being given as many generous chances as i have. my obedience to the request not to die is not a virtue when it's objectively making every single thing worse. it's just another self-absorbed and empty survival directive.
i'm extremely craven and don't want to ruin the one thing i succeeded at, so i can't get myself to dispose of my own life. that is why, despite this request being extremely unfair, i am begging you to kill me. you know in your heart that i'm unforgivable, you know that i make your life worse, and that you will heal in incredible, beautiful ways when i am gone. so please. kill me. silence this monster.
if you respect yourself, i would argue that you should drag it out to ensure i feel the full consequences of the pain i have caused each and every one of you.
take my life. put me out of this misery. there is no reason to hesitate ridding your lives of a parasite that will never understand or have respect for your health. free yourselves from this repetitive, pointless torture.
if you can't bring yourself to kill me, at LEAST get as far away from me as possible, for your own sake.
izzy806
stormborns
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic
ellievsbear