(In)Correct Schitt’s Creek Quotes

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

David: I take criticism really well.

Patrick: No, you don't.

David: What's that supposed to mean?

Patrick: Just that you don't take criticism very well.

David: Why don't you just kick me in the face?!

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

David: I just realized something. I had a bad childhood

Stevie: Yeah, I know.

David: What do you mean?

Stevie: I mean, look at you.

David: What do you mean, "look at me”?

Stevie: Look at the way you stand… People who had good childhoods don't stand like that.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

David: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.

Patrick: Actually, David, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Patrick: Is something burning?

David: Just my love for you.

Patrick: David, the toaster is on fire

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

David: Our childhood was kind of like Home Alone, but if the parents realized that Kevin got left behind and they just, like, stayed in Paris.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Stevie: I like getting older. I feel like I’m aging into my personality

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Patrick: David yelled at me earlier.

Stevie: Oh, I'm so sorry. Did he get weird?He's weird about the store. Did you move something?

Patrick: No, the thing is, Stevie... is I think I'm into him.

Stevie: What? Oh, God.

Patrick: Yeah, he's got this rage inside of him, this fury, and I just love it.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Stevie: I have an idea. It’s very uncool, but it’s not illegal, technically, but it is a dick move.

David: I love it.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

[After Moira, Johnny, and Alexis move out of Schitt’s Creek]

Stevie: So this is the future, the three of us. Do we need a name?

Patrick: The winners.

David: David and the Cuties.

Stevie: Eh, I don't think we need a name.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Johnny: [Giving David advice] David, I’m going to give it to you straight.

David: Gross

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Patrick: Okay, look, fine, from now on, we are going to be open and honest in this house, and that means that I have some secrets I want to get off my chest.

David: I'd rather not hear those.

Stevie: Nobody wants to hear these.

Patrick: David, a couple months ago I found Stevie using your chenille throw as a napkin.

David: That is a microfiber blend from Pakistan, you heathen.

Stevie: Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

[At a Valentine's Day Party]

David: How are you?

Stevie: Well... It's Valentine's Day, and I'm single, and I'm at a couples party. I can't imagine a more depressing place to be.

David: What about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom, and you're the only one there without a date, so the bride makes you dance to Single Ladies by yourself?

Stevie: Oh, my God, did that happen to you?

David: Maybe.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

David: Listen, Stevie, I've never told anyone this before, but sometimes when Mariah's being interviewed, it's like she's sending me messages through the TV, you know, telepathically or whatever. It's like she's telling me we're going to be together.

Stevie: Maybe don't say that to anyone again, David. Ever.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

David: Now come on, Patrick, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?

Patrick: They were just giving it away at the mall...

[David stares at him]

Patrick: ...in exchange for money.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Patrick: [Trying to get revenge after being pranked by Stevie] Okay, here we go to the parking lot now.

Stevie: Wow, this is really sad.

Patrick: Yep, follow to me, guys. Just going to the parking lot for normal reasons...

Patrick: Sorry, I can't go through with this. I was gonna pull a prank.

Stevie: [Sarcastically] No!

Patrick: Yeah. I hired these guys in ski masks to kidnap us, and I was gonna pretend to be a hero. They were gonna shoot me and drive the van into the river, and that's when the divers would go in, pull you guys out of the water, and I would be standing on the shore like, "Hey, you get pranked much?"

Stevie: What the fuck?

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Stevie: [Talking about a China Hutch]  Can you believe I found this on the street? Who would want to throw this away?

David: A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? Get rid of it, Stevie—pine has no place here. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

[schittscreekincorrectquotes]

Stevie: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything?

Patrick: I'll have a latte.

David: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf.

Alexis: I'll have a bagel with a little...

Stevie: You know I was just being polite.