hi. im sorry if this is not an appropriate place to ask this? but im kind of going through... well, i dont want to say an identity crisis because that feels dramatic but i dont know how else to explain it. also, i apologize if i get nonsensical or rambly at times, i have a tendency to overexplain or poorly word things. tldr i think i might be schizophrenic but i dont know if its okay for me to claim that without solid reasoning, and also im scared about the repercussions of doing so. please either dont post, or screenshot + crop if this somehow isnt anonymous 😅
i was recently diagnosed with autism and ocd officially, which yay! thats great and is what ive been looking for since i was in middle school! the thing is, that thats not the only things i was tested for/diagnosed with and im kinda feeling weird about some of the things this psychologist diagnosed me with. i wont go into every detail because its very personal, but the long and short of it is that i was also said to possibly have adhd (its unclear because im on medication that also helps with adhd for my anxiety, specifically it can help with attention deficiency which was the only criteria i didnt meet, and also i unconsciously mask very heavily) and experience magical thinking, and am at risk for developing PTSD, but the thing that worried me (confused me?) was that my psychologist said i experience symptoms of both schizotypal and schizoid personality disorders.
my doctor said this is likely just because the personality measures they use dont account for autism in their scoring but its made me kind of worried. the thing is is that i didnt talk about the delusions and hallucinations i sometimes experience during any of my appointments with her because i was worried about being.. i guess "too much"? idk, internalized ableism. but basically i experience mild audio and visual hallucinations fairly frequently but i kind of chalked it up to ocd before, along with my poor hearing/vision and paranoia. theyre also not typical hallucinations as well which made me kind of write it off. (like as in, i dont hear voices speaking to me, although sometimes ill hear something that sounds like a word being shouted across an empty, echoey hall or doors that dont exist opening or loud popping by my ear, i dont see people or hands or anything like that in my direct vision but sometimes ill see what looks like shadow people peeking out from behind curtains or doorways out of the corner of my eye. i especially deal with bug related hallucionations, specifically tactile, but thats probably because of my phobia).
i also have experienced what i can only describe as delusional (or possibly psychotic? i dont know and im sorry if i got the terminology wrong) episodes, starting when i was twelve. theyre not common but they are intense and scary, and im not ever really aware of something being not real until its already come and gone. combined with the fact i deal a lot with depersonalization/dissociation ive had so many periods of time where im just not sure if im REAL. it really sucks and is really scary and ive never been taken seriously the few times ive brought it up to people i know irl.
but basically i bring this all up because i know the border between shizotypal/schizoid versus full blown schizophrenia is usually the abcense or frequency of delusional episodes. but i also have been told you CANT be shizotypal or schizoid if you also have autism, and that any of those symptoms are just caused by being autistic. i dont know how true this is? ive seen it brought up from multiple places, including one official psychological website. i just. i dont know. ive been dealing with a lot in my personal life and the idea of actually being schizophrenic makes me feel so scared. its one thing to know im dealing with hallucinations, paranoia, and possibly delusions and be able to write it off as stemming from other sources. a lot of it just doesnt feel serious enough to feel worth talking or worrying about.
im already trying to figure out my chronic physical pain on top of university classes, my family, and these newfound diagnoses and how to handle them; i dont know if i can also take having to fight for an official schizophrenia diagnosis when my parents and family (my only real support system) already dont believe me on a lot of this stuff. i have a therapist i could talk to about it, and i trust her a lot, ive been seeing her for years. but reading all these accounts from real schizophrenic/schizospec people about how awful and abusive the psychiatric healthcare system is towards psychotic and delusional people specifically, its like.. is having answers REALLY worth potentially dealing with all that?
im already not treated well medically because of my current mental/physical health situation, the fact im fat and trans, that i havent been able to medically transition other than taking testosterone, and the fact im just "too much" for most doctors, and even my own family. but on the other hand it doesnt feel valid until im told by someone i deem trustworthy (or atleast knowledgeable) that yeah, this IS what is (or could be) happening, that my struggles are valid and real. i just. i dont know. im sure this sort of insecurity and not knowing is typical about this kind of thing but it makes me feel dumb talking about it lol.
i know youre not gonna be able to diagnose me, and i dont want you to, but i just. i dont know. is it OKAY for me to say im schizospec? is it worth it to seek medical help?? because i do think treatment (or at least the right treatment) could help tremendously, especially with my insomnia by and large being caused by my paranoia, hallucinations and the anxiety that comes with that. with all my other stuff being mostly under control, or atleast being helped, my paranoia and hallucinations have increased tenfold and the idea of going through another episode where im convinced im someone else and i need to do something dangerous to go back to "where im supposed to be" is terrifying.
im sorry for putting this all on you but i sometimes see some of your posts from a blog i follow and you seemed knowledgeable and like you might be able to help. i dont know a whole lot about schizophrenia or any of the related mental health stuff but im trying to learn, for my own sake at least. feel free to not respond if you dont want to/this ask is too long or overwhelming/you dont think you can help. i just felt like i needed to put something out there
I'm so so sorry it took me so long to get back to you, I hope you'll still see this. I've been kind of burnt out and sometimes I struggle with reading longer texts. But I finally had the mental space!
Deep breath. Whether it's called schizophrenia or not, it won't change your symptoms, it won't change who you are. You have the symptoms that you do already and even if we define them as schizophrenia, it doesn't mean that they will change or become worse or that there's just one story left for you. Every schizophrenic person is different and we all have our own journey.
You asked whether you can be schizotypal and autistic at the same time, and well - I think the diagnostic manual might say that one rules the other out atm, but that changes as the wind blows. Fact of the matter is that plenty of autistic people are also schizospec and not all of them neatly fit schizophrenia.
I have a friend who had her autism diagnosis revoked when she got diagnosed with schizophrenia, but she's clearly still autistic. It's not like that goes away. But some psychs believe that one overrules the other. Others get to have both.
But most schizophrenic people have many symptoms associated with adhd and autism, and who gets to have an autism and/or adhd diagnosis on top and who just gets told it's "a part of the clinical picture of schizophrenia" is a draw of the lottery.
As you mentioned yourself, there's a heavy amount of stigma associated with the schizo spec disorders, and there's legitimate reasons why you might not want to bring it up in a professional setting.
The good thing about the current situation is that the narrative is still in your hands - you can decide how much you want to disclose about your experiences, and try to feel out the vibe of the professionals in your life wrt this.
I certainly wouldn't recommend aiming for a diagnosis purely for the sake of validation. If you need one to access treatment that you desire, for example antipsychotics, then it might be necessary to mention some of these symptoms to a professional. But if you specifically don't desire antipsychotics then I wouldn't mention it.
I know that self diagnosis is hard, so if it's any help I want to give you permission to call yourself schizo spec. If you relate to schizo spec experiences and you have delusions, I think it makes a lot of sense for you to regard yourself as schizo spec. It's not a closed party. Usually people who aren't schizo spec don't wanna hang with us tbh so that's a natural self sorting mechanism lol..
No but fr. I really think that you shouldn't pursue diagnosis purely for validation. If you need it, it's another matter - but in my experience it isn't even that validating. Lots of us still go on to question the diagnosis forever. It's part of the schizospec experience for many people, the overreflectivity and struggle to perceive ourselves in various ways etc ..
So like. Welcome to the club, if you feel like you would benefit from hanging with the crazy kids you're very welcome. We don't bite, and most of us don't gatekeep, and fuck those who do.
