To Make Myself Better

Kinda like a journal • Kinda some inspiration UC San Diego • Political Science • 2022

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

spending money on digital downloads and not receiving them within an hour should be a crime tbh

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

my freshman year of college i was supposed to get a 2k loan from my school and they made it fucking impossible for me to get my money and i had to pay it out of pocket bc they locked my shit and like they did eventually give me 800 (less than half) toward the end of the school year but they did not hesitate to drop my credit score 100 points for missing my first payment

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

today i did my one year performance review at my government job :) it’s not my dream job by any means but it’s stable, i’m in a union, and i’m finally not perpetually stressed. maybe i’m a little complacent but after years and years of my primary emotion being stress, i’m thankful to be taking it easy for now

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

Does anyone have tips for reading and enjoying poetry books? Because I bought one and I like it but every time I read it I can’t shake the feeling im doing it “wrong”. Something about reading it cover to cover feels like im supposed to be taking time between pages but Im not gonna break each one down like in writing a paper on it.

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

Me: Hi doctor. I have pneumonia. I went to urgent care a few days ago and the nurse practitioner told me to follow up with you about it. I also have had a really ugly cough and have been struggling to breathe for the past six years and have had chronic seasonal allergies my whole life so I want to ask if it’s possible that I have asthma.

Doctor: The nurse practitioner was being over dramatic. Take Flonase every day for two weeks and that’ll fix it. Also you’re overweight.

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

applying for a lease after a year working at a job that doesn’t pay you is such an awful time like they really set ras up for failure after graduation

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

I start my last quarter on Tuesday I’m nervous.

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

Not to say I hate my job bc I don’t but living with freshmen does suck and I really just wanna stay home the rest of the week but I can’t

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

I hate bmi as a metric because I know it has a bunch of problems but my bmi says I’m obese and need to loose 50 lbs to get back into the “normal” range and idk where to start

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

I am three months away from graduating college and today if the first time I’ve asked for an extension on an assignment and I’m so relieved that he gave it to me but I also feel so icky for asking

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

When I applied to be an ra I didn’t expect it to be this lonely. I know it’s because of the pandemic but like im not friends with any of my coworkers, I haven’t spoken to like half of my residents, and I spend hours planning programs and setting them up just so that I can sit there completely alone. It hurts like a bitch. I want to like my job. I want to think that I’ve supported my residents and made living on campus a little better for them. It’s just so hard when you wake up at 8am for a 1:1 and get ghosted and then brush it off and put a smile on your face so you can host an event that no one shows up to.

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

If the pandemic has done anything to me it’s completely erase the lines between school/work/home. It’s bullshit.

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

It’s been several days but I’m still not over some dude in my political science discussion accusing JOHN LOCKE of being a communist because the second treatise was “too open to interpretation”.

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

I’m slowly learning how to be okay with being alone because there’s no guarantee that I can stay in San Diego after I graduate

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

I have a job interview tomorrow and thinking about it is making my cry. I’m a senior with six months left until graduation and I can’t stop worrying.

[what-even-is-thiss]

I never used to understand what “making connections” looked like but it turns out it’s standing at a party and saying “I’ve been thinking about getting into the film industry” and someone saying “Oh, Sarah works in the film industry” and Sarah yelling from accross the room “Did someone say my name?!?!?!”

[what-even-is-thiss]

You casually mention that you’ve been thinking about such and such and your professor overhears and is like “oh I know someone who works there. Do you want me to email them for you?” And you go “Sure.”

[what-even-is-thiss]

It’s the six layers of separation thing. Everyone is only so many layers away from everyone else. So if you stand in the correct rooms and say the correct things out loud once in a while eventually someone will say “Oh, I know a guy.”

[what-even-is-thiss]

And then eventually you turn into the guy that someone knows. I think. It’s hard to tell.

[what-even-is-thiss]

I literally have a contact with connections to an important film festival now because of someone I met at a campfire party the other day.

[my-brian]

I can't imagine thinking this is fake I mentioned I was looking into what it's like to work for a museum and I had 4 different people offer to reach out to relatives or people they know who work for museums

[thatfrenchacademic]

(also people lowkey love to show off their connections, or love to feel that they are doing something nice/useful for someone)

[schoolstressandbecomingbetter]

I try not to post anything short of positivity on here but it’s been a rough couple of weeks. Lately I’ve had this crippling fear that I’ll never be good enough and its winning. The more anxious I am about how shitty my work is, the less effort I can put into it, and the shittier it gets. I have an assignment that I had all weekend to do but it was due ten hours ago and it’s barely started. Every time I sit down at my computer to work on it I cry. I don’t know why or how to make it stop. It’s not even like I’m prioritizing the wrong things. I’m not sleeping enough because I keep waking up nauseous. I’m not on my phone because I haven’t been enjoying the apps I normally waste my time on. I didn’t shower yesterday and I don’t want to today. I keep contemplating calling the counseling center for help but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s just been a full week of staring into space wondering why I’m such a disappointment.