Tau

Tau / Schrodinger - He/Him | Terrifically terrified of terrifying terrifiers |

[schrodingersvessel]

oh gods who am I??

I hate how normal disassociation is within my normal life. Because what do you mean I don’t remember most my life? That I suddenly just disappear and reappear with new clothing, figures, drinks just anything and everything and I need to deal with the fall out of it from my family and friends…

Its painful knowing that actions I don’t remember doing add onto how I’m perceived by others as well, its borderline terrifying knowing that I could be perfectly stable and then in a minute or even hour; everything I had built up is gone.

Genuine nightmare fuel.

[schrodingersvessel]

Posting online

This is far from structured, as is my mind in general but I digress. I've always struggled with getting online and into spaces mainly because it feels awfully more real to me, more solid in a sense. compared to offline spaces. I can say something offline and it can and will fade into obscurity fast, I can rewrite the truth how I want. That can't be said for most if not all online spaces though, everything will be there forever. you can try and try to rewrite what you've done and said but there's always going to be someone who remembers it, someone who has a screenshot of it, or the ability to bring it back. In the end it feels like there's no true redemption online. That no matter what you'll be dragged down by actions from the past, from a version of you that you wish to move on from, to differentiate from. But online spaces don't allow that. So using social media always made me fear retribution even when I'd done nothing wrong. I won't deny that I'm a horrible person, even a harmful one to be around, I've done things that don't deserve forgiveness but I also don't want my entire life to revolve around those choices made years ago, I haven't been forgiven and i never will be forgiven but I have worked on myself, I have become a better person. But in the end its still terrifying, what if all that work doesn't matter? What if the small community I have doesn't accept the fact I'm no longer that version of me. That I'd never revert back to being that thing. With online spaces being more real to me, it also feels more serious when I decide to interact, that I need to be a good person all the time, that I can't have flaws. While offline its free reign, I can be myself more easily. Which is utterly ironic because I'm not, I've never truly been myself online or offline. It feels like that I cant be anything but a picture I made up ages ago because of some dumb reason I don't even understand. Sometimes I question if the real world is even real, I refer to it as the offline to the online so commonly that it feels factitious, that I've made it up; that the online world is all that really exists and that I'm just utterly isolated within it.

It's ironic to be this terrified of something and to have such little recognition over it, over my emotions and everything. I've always been curious on if anyone else had felt like this, had felt the utter fear of being perceived online, of being known and attempting to communicate with others where nothing will ever disappear or leave.