breakeven { au drabble }
He had been there, he walked in a minute after it started. He could spot her mother in a second, her hair almost the same red as Lily’s was, just, slightly more faded with age. Her sons had been on either side of her and then he had taken in the whole room, lots of red hair, all over, he hadn’t realized how large her family was until that moment. Some of them were in tears, others looked like they were going to hurt someone, like the looks on both of her brothers faces when they saw him there. That was when he had taken his leave, but not before James took a swing at him, and Scorpius didn’t fight back, he took it like a man, the man he should’ve been before. The man who would have stood up to his mother before she said those two words. Those same words left his mouth a few seconds later, after he realized what she had done, after it had all been processed. He waited a month before going to see her grave. It was because he didn’t want to run into anyone from her family, and he wanted the fighting to be over, or so he rationalized in his head, but he really wondered what he’d do, or say. The fighting was over though, quickly after that night. That night that wouldn’t stop haunting him. Everything since had been sort of a blur. Even him walking up to her grave was a blur, but he slowly put a single red rose down onto her grave, with all of the other piles upon piles of flowers with cards from her family and friends and everyone he could imagine. Opening his mouth he suddenly lost what he was going to say and let out a slow breath. Shaking his head he opened his mouth again, this time determined to say something. "They say I was the one to really bring the end of the war you know…“ A small chuckle left his lips, if she had been there she would have said something about it feeding his ego or not letting his head get too big. He could hear her saying it in the back of his mind. "But really it was you. I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t pushed her so far. Your brother James said they should have put me in Azkaban because it’s my fault your dead, that’s how I got this black eye. I don’t know if you can see it, wherever you are, but it’s pretty good, you didn’t tell me he had such a good arm.” Scorpius sighed again he hated this, he had sort of bashed the whole funeral and grave thing before, before they had almost died once. He had only said it to get her to be quiet about the whole thing but now he thought she had deserved better, better than some preacher standing up there talking about her like he knew her when he didn’t, he didn’t know a damn thing about her. Scorpius had almost chuckled when he realized they were burying her in white, like she was still pure, if they had known he would be dead too. "I’m working in the Ministry now…but, no one is ever sure if they should really trust me. I think the only way to get them to trust me is to just suck it up and become the Minister and prove it.“ He shrugged, knowing that was something she once said you wanted to do, and he hadn’t, too political, but now everything in his life would always be political. They would always question him, wonder what his real intentions were, so he just needed to prove them all wrong, not for himself, but for her. He wanted to prove to a dead girl that he really was a good guy, even if she couldn’t see that. "Bloody hell, Potter…this shouldn’t be this hard. I’m just supposed to come and put a flower here and tell you that I miss you and that I lo….” Scorpius sighed for the thousandth time that time. "I guess I’m still bad at this talking thing even when you’re not really here.“ He couldn’t explain how he had felt about her, even now he didn’t know if the word was right. He knew he missed her, that he missed seeing her smile and hearing her laugh, and the feeling of her lips on his, his skin touching hers, even the roll of her eyes when he said something ridiculously big headed. He wanted to see her with all of his being that some nights when he worked late he would swear he saw her out of the corner of his eye walking down the hall. That she would come up to him saying something about being surprised he was working late before he would put his hands on her with her back against the wall. That had been what they were good at, sex and arguing, but it hadn’t just been that to him. He couldn’t handle standing at her grave anymore though, if he did he was afraid he would cry, and he hadn’t cried once in his life that he could remember. "I really should get going though…my dad will wonder where I am.” Scorpius paused but didn’t move to leave. "He’s actually proud of me…for standing up for something, because he couldn’t do that. Even if it meant killing mum…he never loved her anyway.“ His father hadn’t bothered to set a funeral up for her, her family had, and Scorpius didn’t attend. The only person he knew that was even more than just mad that he had killed her, was Rabastan Lestrange, but he had always thought the man strange, and he was sitting in Azkaban awaiting his death now anyway. Scorpius awkwardly fiddled with his robes, pulling them tighter around himself as though to shield himself or hide in them, but it was much too warm for that. He finally gave in and let go of them and spoke once more. "I loved you Lil, alright? Are you happy now? I finally said it. It bloody sucks that it took you dying for me to figure it doesn’t it? Because I’m pretty sure you loved me back.” He let out a breath, now on a roll. "Not because I’m full of myself or anything, but because of that conversation we had, where you said you wouldn’t say it unless I said it but you didn’t think I would and…it was so confusing but now I’m pretty sure that was some weird way of you telling me you loved me and that you wanted me to love you back. Well I do…I love you, but it doesn’t matter now because you’re gone, and no one else will know, because even if I told them, they wouldn’t believe me so…I guess this is the only time I’ll say it so, if you’re out there listening somewhere there it is. You’ll never hear it again because, if there is a heaven and a hell, you won’t be where I’m going. You said once, that if you were going to hell at least you’d have fun before, well, I don’t think you’re in hell. One…wrong decision won’t send you down there with the likes of me…just like one redeeming thing I didn’t won’t send me up to heaven with you so…I guess this really is goodbye, because unless you show up as a ghost somewhere and so do I, we’ll never see each other again so.“ Scorpius ran a hand through his hair and turned to walk away, hesitating one last time and turning back to her grave. "Goodbye Lily Potter.”
