ROYAL WEDDING TIMELINE OF EVENTS
(All times GMT)
9:00 am: 200 charity workers, 300 local school children, 100 of the Queen’s employees and a shadowy figure known only as “The Mole” will arrive at Windsor Chapel to wish Harry and Meghan the best for the big day from outside the chapel. Upon hearing they won’t be allowed inside, disquiet will spread, this will lead to chanting which will give way to royal shoving. The Royal Water Cannon will be used to settle and injure the crowd.
9:30 am: Royal buses carrying 500 guests, and the 12 competition winners who guessed the secret sound on 101.1FM K-ROYAL (it was a crown being placed on a corgi) will begin to arrive.
9:45 am: Guests and competition winners to be breathalysed and checked for weapons. Those found to be too drunk or armed will be escorted to ceremonial holding cells.
11:20 am: Members of the royal family will begin to arrive. Some will be on foot, some will arrive by car, others by horse and one on a levitating carpet affectionately known as “Ol’ Dusty”. At this time, Markle and her mother, Doria Ragland, will depart the bride's overnight location, the Holiday Inn, Heathrow Airport. Their journey to the palace will include three stops; one at a Burger King drive-thru we’re the bride will be disappointed by the lack of breakfast options. The second at a McDonalds where, as is royal tradition, the mother of the bride will convince Markle that a medium fries is more than enough. The final stop will be at a Tesco Express where the driver, a man named Barry, will “pick up some chewy”. The journey will conclude when the mother of the bride is removed from the vehicle after a dignified disagreement over the pronunciation of “La Croix”. Princes Harry and William, meanwhile, will travel by foot as William will have misplaced the keys to the royal 1998 Nissan Bluebird.
Noon: The service will begin and run for approximately one hour. When the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby starts the traditional rap with the famous line, “My name’s the Archbishop and I’m here to say, two great royals are getting married today” the service will begin. As is tradition, it will close with the “royal call and response”, when the ladies in the house are asked to wave their hands in the air and scream like “they just don’t care”, Harry and Meghan, legally and in the eyes of the Lord, will be husband and wife.
1:00 pm: Harry and Meghan, the newest betrothed Royals will exit the church together with T-shirt guns. T-shirts will be fired into the grounds of Windsor Castle where guests will fight and rummage to find the “lucky tunic”. It’s a long held tradition/superstition that the finder of the “lucky tunic” will be the next to marry. It dates back to Henry VIII who caught a tunic that was fired from a slingshot and was then married two months later. The irony, he caught the tunic his own wedding.
1:15 pm: Harry will walk to the road in front of Windsor Castle in an attempt to hail a taxi.
2:45 pm: While Kensington Palace hasn’t made details of the reception public, leaks suggest that the happy couple, their invited guests and people who their invited guests met on Tinder the night before will enjoy party subs, plenty of soda and a performance by the traditional royal wedding band, “Funkingham Palace”.
6:00 pm: Harry and Meghan will rush to drop Harry’s rental suit back to avoid a late fee.
6:30 pm: The happy couple start their lives together at an undisclosed caravan park on the outskirts of Glasgow.
