Top Story Today

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“Dat Boi narrowly edged out Pepe, Rare Pepe and Diamond Rare Pepe to get the nod which Clinton’s team is hoping will stem the tide of young voters lost to Bernie Sanders...” 

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Lunatic Sends All-Office Email On First Day

NEW YORK, MONDAY -- In a move that stunned coworkers and industry experts alike, new hire at advertising agency Crayon Creative, Jason Patterson has inexplicably sent an all-office email on his first day of employment.  The email which contained a link to a .gif of a squirrel falling into a birthday cake has received almost universal condemnation.  

“At first I thought it was a virus”, said senior copywriter Alli Chidley, one of 124 people to receive the psychopath's email, “I’d never heard of a Jason Patterson so I didn’t think anything of it.  It wasn’t until I heard people talking about it in the kitchen that I was like, “Wait.  That was the new account guy?  What the fuck?”

Chidley wasn’t the only one who expressed dismay at receiving the email from the absolute fucking maniac, with Crayon Creative Founder and Senior Creative Partner Kevin Jacobs distancing himself and his company from the deranged and potentially dangerous Patterson.  “What kind of a person would do that?”, Jacobs asked in a statement released after news of the sent email broke, “obviously someone with no sense of occasion and a complete disregard for the social contract”.

When asked exactly what the fuck he was thinking sending a goddamn all-office email on his first fucking day, the completely delusional and out of touch kook Patterson could only muster, “Oh, you saw that? Cute, right?  You like that?  There’s plenty more where that came from, I’m kind of an internet guy”.

Patterson is but a small part of a wider issue that’s plaguing offices around America, fucking morons who send stupid shit to all and sundry.  Labor expert Katherine Dinlow says that American workplaces are subjected to over one million idiotic emails a day, which is leading to a daily total of 400 wasted hours looking at inane, unfunny, unnecessary shit.

“In dollars and sense terms, partially retarded email senders like this Patterson fuckface are costing the American public approximately one billion dollars a week”, Dinlow said.  “Deranged and delusional people like this need to be weeded out of our workforce so we can streamline.  If we don’t China will overtake us”.

Despite the backlash Patterson, a dim looking 32 year old account service manager from Denver, Colorado, was blissfully unaware saying, “Good first day.  Met everyone, started to get settled.  It’s great, there’s no firewall here so I can find tons of funny stuff.  My last work put a firewall up, they said that someone kept emailing stuff around that wasn’t work related.  It’s always one that ruins it for everyone…”

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Man Patiently Waits For Television To Tell Him What To Do

POUGHKEEPSIE, WEDNESDAY -- In the wake of the most recent Republican Primary election, 28 year old Poughkeepsie native, Joshua Daniels spent Wednesday morning patiently waiting for the television to inform him of his opinion of the results.

“I’m excited”, said Daniels in anticipation of his opinion, “I wonder if I think it’s a good thing or not.  Only time and my television will tell”.

Daniels, a sales clerk at Chua’s Tire Mart, has seen his opinion change wildly depending on which television station he is watching.  After seeing violence at the cancelled Trump rally in Illinois on Fox News, Daniels found himself livid that the Republican front runner’s first amendment right had been “trashed by liberal elites”.

“What they did was disgusting”, a stern faced Daniels noted at the time, “what happened to our constitution?  Last time I checked, this was America.  And in America you can’t just stop people because you don’t agree with them”.

This is in stark contrast to his take on the Rubio campaign suspension after watching MSNBC.  “Rubio means that Trump might be stopped and then maybe we can stop all the violent rhetoric and get this country back on track and behaving like adults”.  

Daniels is not alone in letting television decide what he does and does not like with an estimated 15% of citizens allowing television to make 4 or more decisions for them every week.  Doctor Sam Routledge of the University of Ohio believes this is a worrying trend, “This isn’t a new phenomenon, Americans have been letting television boss them around since the early 60’s”, Dr Routledge said, “what is concerning is that this is the first time in our history that we’ve seen serious decisions being made by TV, previously it was “what’s my favorite soup”, “do I like this toothpaste”.  Now, it’s “am I a Democrat” and “who’s sneaky”.

For Josh Daniels it’s inconsequential as he’s more than happy for television to tell him all of his opinions.  “The Oscars was good, I didn’t know whether I liked Leo’s performance but now I know I did and that makes me feel good”.

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Ted Cruz Denies Flaming Pants Linked To Lying

LAS VEGAS, WEDNESDAY -- The race to be the Republican nomination for the presidential election took yet another dramatic turn last night with Texas Senator, Ted Cruz forced to address allegations that his pants were on fire due to deception.

Cruz deflected questions during the Republican debate, initially by denying that his pants were even on fire. “That’s not what that is”, Cruz said while laughing, “I think I smell some famous Texas barbecue right here in the great state of Texas!”

However, debate moderator Anderson Cooper continued to press the Senator on the issue, with Cruz eventually conceding that while his pants were in fact on fire, it was completely unrelated to lying.

“We were having some fun before”, Cruz said in response to the moderator’s question, “but obviously I see that my pants are literally burning on my legs but that has nothing to do with me being a liar.  Sometimes my pants will spontaneously combust much like the middle class in this country which has been burnt to the ground by the reckless spending of Barack Obama “.

Cruz’s opponents were quick to jump on the Senator’s pants being on fire.  As he has been all primary season,  frontrunner Donald Trump was most direct in his attack, “I mean you look at this guy, look at him!  You look at him and think, is he going to stop China?  He won’t be allowed into the country! His pants are on fire! Anderson, Anderson, Anderson.  You know me.  You know I don’t agree with China on anything… except on this, I think they’re right.  They should ban Ted Cruz and his flaming pants”.

While it’s too early to tell whether Pants-On-Firegate will sway caucus voters it’s believed that Cruz has been shaken by the incident.  “Obviously Ted’s been upset by it”, said a Cruz staffer under condition of anonymity, “but there is no link to Ted’s pants being on fire and him being a liar.  That’s literally a childish link to make and we feel that the American people are smarter than that”.  

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Fetish Only Trait That Differentiates Man From 12 Year Old Boy

PORTLAND, TUESDAY -- Luca Routledge is an average 28 year old American man, he enjoys spending time on the internet, skateboarding, playing video games and hanging out with friends.  However a recent psychological assessment has determined that if it wasn’t for his foot fetish Routledge could easily be mistaken for a 12 year old boy.

“It’s a common and frankly worrying pattern”, said Dr. Dale Pratt head of Psychology at the University of Oregon, “if it wasn’t for his sexual proclivities it would be impossible to differentiate between this man and a 12 year old boy”.

When compared to the average 12 year old boy the similarities are striking, with Routledge actually being assessed as more “childish” than the national average in a number of categories.  For instance the unemployed art history major spends approximately 17 hours a week playing video games which is 4 hours longer than most 12 year olds.  He skateboards for up to 3 hours a week which is roughly average for pre-pubesent males.  Like most people under the age of 16 he lives with guardians and like 100% of 12 year olds he doesn’t have a driver’s licence nor has he ever voted.

The only quality possessed by Routledge that does separate him from pre-teen boys is his crippling foot fetish.  The fetish, which psychologists believe was developed during Routledge’s summer stint as a shoe salesman at Foot Locker in 2004, has created a number of issues for the rap music loving 28 year old.  The worst of which was the demise of his only serious romantic relationship in 2009.  Routledge was caught pleasuring himself in the shoe closet of Patricia Bolton, mother of then girlfriend, Paula Bolton.

“The foot thing notwithstanding, this is a looming catastrophe for the American workforce”, commented Dr. Pratt, “we have a generation of incredibly specifically educated man children whose only link to maturity is unusual sexual practices”.

Routledge seemed upbeat despite having no job prospects, a student debt that will never be paid off and slim romantic prospects.  “It’s sweet, my parents will leave me money when they die and I’ll split the house with my sister.  Besides, the foot thing’s mysterious, it’s basically only me and Lil B that like feet and chicks love mystery”.

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Pizza Hut Apologizes For “Cat Lovers” Pizza

PLANO, MONDAY -- After weeks of negative feedback and online outrage, Pizza Hut has announced that it will be immediately removing the controversial “Cat Lovers” pizza from its menu.

The pizza, which boasted it was made from “real cats”, was trialled in Kentucky in 2014 before being launched nationally this year.  The national rollout was met with stiff resistance from animal rights groups who protested outside stores, called on broadcasters to ban advertising the product and launched numerous online petitions to have it banned.  Despite this, Pizza Hut continued with the “Cat Lovers” citing that “it was as popular with Americans as the feisty felines it’s made of”.

The “Cat Lovers” was the brainchild of New York based marketing firm Now! Media. Now! yesterday confirmed that it had severed professional ties with Pizza Hut but still defended the product claiming that this was a knee jerk reaction.  “We have the data”, said Now! CEO Karl Middleton, “people love cats!  Look on the internet, it’s nothing but cats.  Millennials can’t get enough of them.  If Pizza Hut had just given them the chance to get to know the pizza it would have been as American as apple pie.  Our prediction was that by 2019, Cat Pizza would be on American tables at least once a week.  We stand by that.”

The removal of the pizza from Pizza Hut’s menu is being treated as a victory by many, particularly animal rights group PETA who campaigned tirelessly to see it banned.  “It’s a win for common sense”, said PETA via a statement, “while we applaud Pizza Hut for changing its practices we still have a number of questions as to how this was approved in the first place’.

Pizza Hut made the announcement via its twitter account and removed all traces of the Cat Lovers from its social media platforms including the 15, 30 and 60 second television commercials that premiered during the Super Bowl.  The commercials were the first to be given an NC 18 received and the 60 second version over 3 million complaints alone, the most in history.  It featured NFL quarterback, Eli Manning in a bloodied apron clad feeding what appeared to be cats into an industrial blender, the sounds of cats screeching was described by advertising bible Ad Age as “the most off putting and troubling sound in the history of advertising”.

While Pizza Hut is yet to comment beyond its tweet there are rumors that further menu changes could be on the cards as it struggles to compete with an increasingly independent leaning consumer base.  The mooted “Kids Meal” has already raised eyebrows with the Food and Drug Administration believed to have growing concerns with the direction in which the pizza monolith is headed.

Now! CEO Karl Middleton says that despite the abject failure of this product there’s still room for development.  “If Einstein had stopped at his first failure we would never have reached the moon.  We need to keep researching and applying that research, for instance the number one searched app in the world for 18-24’s is Tinder.  What if when you order the delicious, steaming hot Pizza Hut pizza the delivery driver fucks you?  We could call the “Guess who’s cumming for dinner” meal?  It’s called innovation.  Look it up.”  

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America’s Women To Decide What To Do With Scalia’s Body

WASHINGTON, FRIDAY -- In an ironic twist more inline with a Greek tragedy than a Washington funeral, the decision about what to do with the remains of recently deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has been left in the hands of the women of America.

“We feel that this is the only fair way to handle such a sensitive topic”, said Timothy Uecker, the lawyer in charge of Scalia’s estate, “given how much control he had over women’s bodies during his time in the Supreme Court it’s only fair that women should have final control over his.”

Suggestions have been pouring in from around the country with official website www.whattodowithscaliasbody.org crashing shortly after it was announced that women would be charged with the responsibilty of the corpse’s disposal.

The most popular choices have been “fired into the sun”, “thrown to wild animals” (specific animals have been mooted with dogs and pigs leading the way) and “left in a field”.  More obscure instructions are also being included in the discussion with little regard for controversy.

Scalia’s outraged family has lashed out the decision saying that government has no place in telling an individual what should be done with their body.  “It’s a disgrace”, said the late Justice’s frail widow, Maureen Scalia, “someone said we should fill his ass with popcorn kernels and heat up him up just to see what happens.  This is someone’s body! Surely that should mean something.  It’s our belief that death begins at rigamortis not at terminal breath”.

Despite the impassioned pleas from Scalia’s family, it seems that Scalia’s body is in the hands of the women of America unless a last minute injunction is granted.  

Should the American women have the final say there is fevered speculation as to what will become of the cadaver.  “Throw him off a cliff” is leading the popular vote at the moment with 12%, followed closely by the vague “something with ants” (9%).  “Melted with lasers” is making a late charge picking up 2% in the last 24 hours.  Whatever the decision it’s an exciting time for the women of the United States marking the first time they’ve had control over a human beings body since they opted to pierce their ears in junior high.

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Cool Doctor Tells Teen Vagina “Trending” With Herpes

NEW YORK, FRIDAY -- 39 year old doctor Jeremy Asciak bridged the gap between himself and the youth of America when he diagnosed his patient, 15 year old Jemima Alleck, with a vagina that’s “trending to the brim with herpes”.   

“It’s about talking to these millennials on their level”, said a clearly happy Dr. Asciak, “I want to get through to my patients so they say, “my life may be ruined but that Dr Jeremy is a cool guy.  I should tell my friend’s about him on my Game Cube”.

As well as telling Alleck about her “trending” herpes the cool doctor also warned against the “not lols” of chlamydia and the potential of “not being able to even ever again” should she contract HIV/AIDS.

“I had no idea what the fuck he was saying”, Alleck said while lighting a cigarette, “I think I have herpes or some shit, but I don’t know for sure.  He talked like a fucking retard and I’m still itchy as fuck”.

Despite his patient’s concerns Asciak didn’t see a problem with his approach, “Please, call me Jeremy”, said Asciak unprompted, “doctor Asciak is my father”.

This is a stark contrast to the attitude of the American Medical Association who have condemned the confusing and patronizing way in which Asciak addresses his patients.  “This is a wholly unprofessional and dangerous way to handle serious and sensitive information”, stated AMA spokesperson Jan Clinton, “of even greater concern is that it directly contravenes the Hippocratic Oath”  

“Haters gonna hate”, responded Dr. Asciak in response to the criticism, “I’m on fleek and they’re just a bunch of basics.  Stop Kony!”

Regardless of the manner in which she was told the diagnosis, Alleck’s case points to a larger and potentially catastrophic problem.  Herpes amongst sexually active teens effects an estimated 11% of people between the age of 14 and 19.  Some experts believe that that number could be as high as one in four.  When asked how he would curb these disturbing numbers Dr Asciak outlined an unusual plan, “I’d use hashtags and awareness.  Like an ice bucket challenge but something teens will relate to.  Maybe pour pokemons on their heads.  Or we could just tell them about condoms”.

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Uncle Drives Home “Googling Yourself” As Euphemism for Masturbating

IRVINE, THURSDAY -- What was planned as an average family barbeque quickly descended into a double entendre filled free-for-all thanks to uncle of the three Ted Naimo.  The unsolicited rant began when Naimo made the connection between the word “Google” being used as a verb and the act of masturbation.

A seemingly innocuous comment from Naimo’s 17 year nephew set the 46 year old off on a five and a half minute monologue that had the term “Googling Yourself” as it’s centerpiece.

“It didn’t seem like he’d ever stop”, said Naimo’s clearly shaken sister-in-law, Debbie Naimo-Huntly, “Mikey said something about how he was in the local newspaper for his basketball game, he said that he’d googled himself.  Ted nearly fell off his chair…”

Some of the more memorable lines from the unemployed divorcee included, “when I was your age we kept googling yourself a secret”, “your palms will get hairy if you spend too much time googling yourself” and the three times repeated, “if you google yourself too much you’ll go blind”.

When asked about his outburst, Ted was pleased with his comedic output.  “Man! Had you all heard that before?  Googling yourself!” exclaimed Mr. Naimo,  “I’d be keeping that a secret! Kids, am I right?”

The six diners at the barbeque feared that “Googling yourself” would lead Naimo down a path to more technology based sexual euphemisms in a manner similar to an incident on Christmas Day, 2009.

“Oh, Christmas?”, replied Mrs. Naimo-Huntly referring to what is now known as, the Christmas episode, “My eldest daughter had just joined Facebook and she mentioned that a boy she liked had poked her.  Ted didn’t stop, poke this and poke that and then “sit on my facebook”.  It was all too much.  I shouldn’t be too hard on him, he’s been through a lot.  He hasn’t seen his kids since the divorce”.

When asked about his future plans Ted Naimo simply had this to say, “if I don’t find another wife, it’s fine! I can just google myself!!”

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Disheartened Jeb Bush Now Campaigning In Bathrobe And Slippers

GREENVILLE, WEDNESDAY -- In the first and most telling crack in his campaign to become the Republican nominee to contest the US federal election, a disheveled Jeb Bush spent today campaigning wearing a bathrobe and slippers.

It was departure for the normally well dressed Governor of Florida whose poll numbers have been dwindling since the New Hampshire primary.  “We were all waiting for Mr Bush to come talk to us at our home”, said South Carolina Republican Party member and Rested Pines Retirement Community resident, Dawn French.  “There was a hubbub and I thought, “that must be him”, but then I saw it was a tramp who’d somehow made it past the security gate.  Then I looked closer and realised it was Jeb.  Well, he looked horrible.  He was wearing this robe and he was holding a newspaper.  He hadn’t shaved.  It was disgusting”.

The light blue robe, which had a stain that some pundits are calling egg and others contending custard, was paired with striped boxer shorts, slippers and Bush’s trademark spectacles.

As well as the unusual attire, Bush spent most of his address to the roughly 150 members of the Rested Pines Retirement Community loudly sighing and circling what are believed to be “help wanted” classifieds in the Greenville Journal newspaper.  When asked by some of the assembled media about his outfit Bush simply looked into the middle distance, shrugged and muttered “what’s it matter?  I don’t give a fuck anyway”.

Opponents have been quick to jump on Bush’s bizarre behavior with Republican frontrunner Donald Trump delighting in the public meltdown.  Trump spent 11 minutes of his most recent rally discussing the Florida Governor’s fashion.  “You see this guy, and I like Jeb.  I do, I really do”, said Trump, inciting cheers and laughter from his supporters, “but you see him and think, “he’s going to defeat ISIS?”  He couldn’t defeat bed”.

Bush cancelled the remainder of his Tuesday appearances including an important rally at Greenville High School.  It’s believed that Bush opted to spend his day watching television in his Holiday Inn hotel room.  The Governor was spotted going out briefly to bum a cigarette from fellow Holiday Inn guest, 54 year old Marla Coetzee.

“That’s who that was?” exclaimed Coetzee when told she’d just been smoking with the Governor of Florida, “I thought I recognized him”.  When asked about the subject of their conversation Coetzee was coy offering only, “He asked if I was smoking menthols, I do.  And he asked if he could bum one.  He seemed sad.  Like my uncle before he shot them folks.  My uncle’s fine now but that’s what he seemed like.  Tired.  Tired and sad”.

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Salad For Lunch Opens Door For All Cake Dinner

PHOENIX, TUESDAY -- Citing a “healthy week” and “not really drinking this weekend”, Arizona native, Amy Butcher took the opportunity to indulge her sweet tooth Monday night by eating an evening meal that consisted of nothing but cake.

The cake, eaten while watching two episodes of the now defunct drama series Gilmore Girls, was a pre-made “New York Style Oreo Cheesecake” bought from supermarket chain Safeway.  The cake included over 5000 calories, twice the recommended daily intake of saturated fat and more than one and half times the adult requirement for sodium.

“A meal of this size, with these proportionate intakes is more inline with the offspring of a medium to large animal than a human”, said nutritionist Dr. David Halliday.  “For instance, if I was to just see this raw data and tell you what animal ate this meal, I’d probably guess a small elephant or an adolescent cow or pig, even a migratory whale.  Certainly not a single 27 year old woman”.

Ms Butcher was unperturbed by Dr Halliday’s damning indictment claiming that her healthy lunch gave her the leeway to enjoy cake.  “I work hard and sometimes I deserve a little treat”, said Butcher, “I had nothing for breakfast and salad for lunch so I thought I’d reward myself”.

Further investigation found that Butcher’s “nothing for breakfast” was, in fact, a Java Chip Frappuccino from coffee chain, Starbucks which consisted of more than 600 calories also consumed during this sitting was a chocolate cookie.  The lunch salad was a 700 calorie “Po’Boy Salad” that was accompanied by a Dr. Pepper soda and a Snickers chocolate bar.

“It’s damning and somewhat frightening to think that this was deemed a light day in terms of calories”, Dr. Halliday noted, “even if this was an average day’s diet and not a quote healthy day, I’d project that she’ll lose, at least, a foot due to complications from diabetes before turning 40”.

When confronted, Butcher dismissed Dr Halliday’s assessment as quackery and that it was the result of jealousy.  “When you’re this hot, you’re going to have haters”, said Butcher, “there’s 24 hours in each day, I don’t have a spare one for people trying to drag me down”.

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“Absolute Maniac” Leaves House With Phone On 35% Battery

MILWAUKEE, WEDNESDAY -- In what authorities have described as “reckless behaviour”, 22 year old Milwaukee native, Tony Harrigan left his house for an evening out with friends despite his telephone’s battery being on a measly 35 percent.  It was a decision that has caused many to question Harrigan’s mental health.

“I was just watching television on the couch when Tone (Harrigan) came in and said he was going to meet some friends at O'Flaherty's and to ask if I wanted to come”, said Harrigan’s roommate of 18 months, Mike Fitzgerald, “I said that I might meet them later, then he said something that will stay with me forever, he looked at his phone and said, “I’m only on 35 percent, this should be interesting.  Before I could say anything he was gone”.

Initial reports of the phone’s battery were dismissed as Harrigan’s quirky sense of humor.  “I thought is has Tony being Tony”, recalled Tony’s on-again, off-again girlfriend of the last year, Tina Crothers, “he’s always saying silly stuff like that to make me laugh”.

When it was apparent that Harrigan wasn’t joking the evening took a turn from one of high spirits to one of deep concern.  The group of four quickly split up to search O'Flaherty's for a charger, a search that was ultimately fruitless.  Gary Simpkins, a classmate of Harrigan’s at the University of Wisconsin suggested that they go back to his dorm room to consume beers that he had from a previous social event, a move that would allow Harrigan to charge his phone. Harrigan shot down the suggestion saying that he “didn’t want to be a pain”.

This kind of behaviour, while still rare, is becoming increasingly common and according to scientist Dr Allison Anderson, author of From Secure Dependency To Independent Abandonment: The Direct Correlation Between Battery Life and Personality.  “Sadly, we’re seeing more and more of this, leaving the house with 35% battery and no plan to charge puts the subject in a mild sociopathic range”, Dr Anderson said, “to give some context, it’s the equivalent of someone who deliberately injures a pet, while not a definitive indication that they will go on to become a serial killer, it’s still cause for concern”.

Harrigan’s friends have dismissed Dr Anderson’s theory explaining that rather than a personality defect, it was an attempt to be selfless.  “I don’t know why he had to be a hero”, said Ms. Crothers, “we would have happily let him charge his phone but he wouldn’t let us and then what we thought would happen happened”.

At around 11:15pm, Harrigan’s phone ran out of battery.  A short time later he was separated from the group who were deep in discussion about whether to stay at O'Flaherty's or go to The Turkey Nest for 6 dollar pitchers.  

It was the last time Harrigan would be seen that night.  

Theories as to what happened to Harrigan were rife amongst the friendship group with Tina Crother’s roommate and sorority sister, Lynn Tompkins a conspicuous absentee around the same time.  

Tompkins, who had reportedly been described by Harrigan as a “drunk 8” was unavailable for comment but her self-described “BFF”, Crothers quashed the insinuations, “Who told you that?  Was it Sally? Sally’s just throwing shade because she thinks Troy fingered me at Spring Fling when me and Tony were on a break.  She just loves drama because she put on like 35 pounds between semesters so it’s all she has.  Fat bitch”.

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12 Year Old Completes Exhaustive “Things That Feel Nice On My Penis” Study

SAN ANTONIO, WEDNESDAY --  After over 3 years of what researchers are describing as the most “groundbreaking”, “comprehensive” and “definitive” study of its kind, 12 year old Aaron Deltone has finally completed his examination into all the things that feel nice on his penis.  The analysis, which began in December of 2012, has seen Deltone push, rub and place all manner of materials on, near or, in rare cases, under his prepubescent penis.

It’s believed that the inquisitive preteen first had his interest piqued when his mother switched to a new brand of softener which left towels noticeably softer.  This opened up a world of potential for the budding scientist who has since devoted his life to finding more objects, fabrics and sensations that would make his “penis feel nice”.

“Like so many great scientists before him he had a question and he went to find the answer”, said Professor Rick Fenton, who has tracked Deltone’s work through various scientific journals, seminars and lectures.  “It fills the scientific community with hope and excitement when we see young members of society not only take the baton but carry it forth”.

While in celebratorial mood with the conclusion of his research it wasn’t all smooth sailing for Deltone, who outlined his tribulations in a lengthy message posted on his blog, www.stuffthatfeelsniceonmypenis.com.  “I learnt important lessons and in a lot of cases the negative results were more important than the positive”, he wrote.

As well as thanking his many well wishers from around the world, Deltone also published a list of all the things his pressed, rubbed or brushed his penis against over the last three years.  Some of the stand out items were, a grandfather clock, under the wing of a plush bald eagle toy, the cool top of a filing cabinet, between the cushions on the couch at his grandparents house, in a sock and directly into a tub of lotion.

Not all were impressed with Deltone’s commitment to his experimentation with his mother, Rose Deltone-West calling the junior analyst, “a disgusting little boy who needs to wake up to himself”.  Mrs. Deltone-West also noted the financial burden such a study creates, “We had to buy new hand towels for the guest bathroom, new pillows, we needed to get a new lock put on the basement door and we had to come home early from Whistler after what he did with the Symond’s cat”.

Regardless of criticism, Deltone and his supporters are ultimately pleased with the results the study has yielded yet they conceded there’s still work to do.  “I see this as phase one of a lifelong journey”, Professor Fenton said, “This will be seen as his “household objects” period, soon he’ll move on to other people and begin to test the effects of stimulants, the time of the day etcetera.  So while we say it’s complete, it’s not over.  Not by a long shot”.        

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FDA Downgrades Chicken To Vegetable

SILVER SPRING, THURSDAY -- In a move that has delighted the nation’s chicken farmers and angered the vegan and vegetarian communities, the Food and Drug Administration has announced a controversial plan to classify chicken as a vegetable.  The announcement, which is expected to provide a 3 billion dollar injection to the vegetable industry, has created shockwaves throughout the food producing community.

Acting FDA head, Stephen Ostroff dropped the bombshell at a press conference in Washington, describing the sweeping reform as “an exciting time for vegetarians and chicken lovers alike”.   “No longer will vegans have to miss the fun of eating wings while watching the football or having to avoid treats like nuggets when they’re at one of their favorite restaurants like McDonald’s”, proclaimed Ostroff while between bites of a chicken drumstick.

The announcement has been met with stiff resistance.  PETA denounced the change as “barbaric”, “stupid” and “incredibly short-sighted”.  “This is another example of government being controlled by “Big Meat””, said PETA spokesperson Lindsay Wellbelove, “chickens are animals, to classify them as anything else is dangerous and irresponsible”.

The nation’s chicken producers, however, have welcomed the change and hope the new classification will translate to increased sales in the competitive poultry market.  “This is a wonderful day, not only for the chicken farmers of America but also for consumers”, said the president of the Poultry Producers of America, Peter Nantz.  “We project an upturn in sales from people who are excited by the prospect of a brand new vegetable on the market”.  

This is the first time a new vegetable available to the American public since 1984 when, the short lived, “New Lettuce” was launched.  New Lettuce was later found to be repurposed Jolly Rancher candy and immediately pulled from supermarket shelves.  The health implications of the change are yet to be seen but the World Health Organisation has given the change a health grade of D+ which is the lowest rating ever given a vegetable and the third lowest rating of all time, beating only asbestos and nicotine.

While chicken won’t officially become a vegetable until 2018 changes will slowly be rolled out.  Starting in October, selected school districts will introduce a “Vegan Lunch Choices” menu.  The menu is set to include, chicken tenders, chicken nuggets and chicken wings served in a brown paper bag.  The Vegetable Growers of North America is expected to appeal the FDA ruling, which, if successful, could see chicken could be further downgraded from “vegetable” to “grain”, a prospect that doesn’t appeal to Peter Nantz.  “Grains have their place and we respect grain but let’s face it, chicken is a vegetable, it’s the way God intended.”

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ISIS To Hold “Design A Flag” Competition

DAMASCUS, TUESDAY -- Amid growing concerns of losing relevance with a younger audience, Islamic fundamentalist group ISIS has announced it will be holding a competition to  design a new flag to represent the organization.

“Ideally the flag will be something that says death to America while still talking to kids”, said ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, “the current flag’s done a great job but it’s time it gets into the metaphoric car, blows itself up and enjoys paradise with 72 virgin flags”.

The competition, while advertised as being open to all comers excludes women and infidels and has strict rules as to what is deemed an appropriate design.  As well as no depictions of Muhammad designers have been warned against the “use of bright colors” and “references to women driving cars”.

“We make no bones about the fact that this flag will be a recruiting tool”, al-Baghdadi added, “Trump’s been great for us, so have grainy videos of people swinging on jungle gyms but we need a flag.  Look at America, sure, it’s a stinking cesspool of sin and debauchery but credit where it’s due, they have one hell of a flag”.

Internet activist group Anonymous have announced plans to hijack the competition with their #GodHatesFlags campaign being launched on social media platforms over the weekend.  The self proclaimed “Hacktivists” have called on their supporters to submit their entries directly to ISIS leaders and have published the email addresses of the group’s leadership.  Anonymous claims that over three thousand designs have already been sent.

“ISIS must realize that we are legion, we can not be defeated”, said a video posted to the YouTube channel of prominent Anonymous member A$h1ka, “we will not rest until you surrender under and to a God hates flags design”.

As well as sending the designs straight to leaders Anonymous has been posting selected designs on imageboard 4Chan with children’s cartoon My Little Pony featuring heavily in designs.  Despite the attention ISIS is unperturbed.

“We will be victorious”, said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, “we will destroy the internet and will win.  Our designs have already been better than those of these infidels.  Their designs don’t even make sense, cats don’t eat cheeseburgers, Pepe’s can’t be rare.  Under ISIS no one will has cheeseburgers! No one!”

[topstorytoday]

Apparently It’s Fashion Week

NEW YORK, MONDAY --  Reports are suggesting that may or may not be fashion week in New York, NY.  Sources are claiming that there is overwhelming evidence to suggest the most important week on the sartorial calendar is, in fact, taking place right now in or at least very close to the Big Apple.

Anecdotal evidence suggests that it is Fashion Week with more people dressed like idiots being spotted.  As well as stupid pants the city has reported a whopping 600% increase in pretentious French pronunciations.  Despite this, it seems that no one can say, with any real confidence, whether or not is actually Fashion Week.

“I mean, SoHo’s always full of awful people but there seems to be a lot more around at the moment”, noted Raj Kumar, owner/operator of A-1 Deli on Lafayette Street, “this one guy came in wearing sunglasses and what I think was a floor rug.  He asked for some brand of water I’d never heard of and then left”.

Kumar isn’t the only one in New York to have noticed a difference, bar manager Lydia Sims has found her clientele has changed.  “I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  There’s been a definite increase in dickheads.  One guy came in and asked if we had a “bloggers discount”.  Then someone said it may or may not be fashion week it all made sense.  The vacuous conversations, the blank stares, the reliance on someone else’s money…”

Fashion industry insiders have remained typically tight lipped on the whether it is Fashion Week.  “The thing with Fashion is that it’s a guideline to what we will be wearing in the future, not now”, said “instagram fashion blogger” said Kenneth Baden-Cole in an unprompted statement to no one in particular, “it’s not for everyone and that’s what makes fashion dangerous and truly, our last true artform”.   

While social media has failed to provide any solid information as to whether it is or isn’t fashion week, Andrew Stevens, Twitter’s Head of Development and Strategy has his own theories. “What we’re noticing on our platforms is a sharp increase in self involved, poorly spelled and ultimately, thoughtless posts.  Generally this means one of two things, there’s been a spate of serious brain injuries from say a gas leak or a cancer cluster or it’s fashion week”.

Despite evidence suggesting it is Fashion Week, not all are convinced.  With increased model sightings being put down to cold weather with layering making it impossible to decipher body shape.  New York Mayor, Bill de Blasio has again refused to be drawn into the controversy, “We may or may not be excited to welcome some of the world’s top designers”, read a vague statement, “it’s a potentially exciting time for New York that once again proves we could be the destination for an event like this.  Or avoided altogether”.  

[topstorytoday]

Browser History Tells Tale of Love, Loss, Loneliness And Mountain Bike Purchase

PALO ALTO, TUESDAY -- After a three week investigation which canvassed the minutia of 32 year old, Dave Saputo’s digital life, forensic technologists have released a report that paints a picture of a very lonely, delusional man who recently bought a mountain bike.

Saputo, who was unaware he was under investigation, had his internet browser history for the last two and a half years put under the microscope in attempt to learn more about the Palo Alto local.  The results were stunning and at times difficult for investigators to process.

“We went in expecting to see the usual things, news, occasional adult material, social media”, noted lead investigator, Detective Karl Routledge, “but what we found was something entirely different, we’re dealing with a man who needs to let go of past relationships, deal with his obvious insecurities surrounding body image and spend more time riding his sweet, 12 gear red and black mountain bike”.

Investigators released only one day’s worth of findings with the specifics of Saputo’s time online believed to be indicative of the entire study.  The most concerning searches were related to 29 year old Allie Cashley, a former co-worker who Saputo had gone on two dates with in 2008.  “He was all over the place, he’d go from searching “Allie Cashley nude” to “Allie Cashley boyfriend” to “Allie Cashley cheerleader” to “cleaning mountain bike”. The whole time her facebook page was open.  It was weird”, added Detective Routledge.

Cashley was unaware of the effect she had on Saputo, “I mean, I guess it’s flattering”, said Cashley whose recent engagement to mountain bike enthusiast Tom Foxman has dominated her Facebook and Instagram feeds.  “He was a nice guy, I think we worked together at Yorkman.  That was my first job.”

Saputo’s friends expressed concern, not about the subject of his internet activity but the sheer amount of time being spent online.  “He’s never even touched the mountain bike he bought”, stated Saputo’s childhood friend, Jeremy Hyland, “I mean it’s still in the box in the hallway of his apartment, meanwhile he can tell where Allie went for dinner two weeks ago”.

Saputo claimed that the information presented was being taken out of context and that he was not and never was in love with Cashley.  “I don’t even think about her”, claimed Saputo, “I’ve completely moved on.  Did you talk to her? Did she mention me? Did you tell her I had a mountain bike too?”