Learning to Live @scottishkilt - Tumblr Blog

As much as I love him, he has his flaws...and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with them.

He has little attachment to anything or anyone. His parents are like distant relatives. His nieces that he once saw every day, he sees never. He has two sisters...one is loving and kind and wants to have a relationship with him. Desperately. One is cold and sometimes doesn't come out of her room to say hello. Guess which one he prefers? The kind one is too much. Too much what? Too loving? Too kind? Is it wrong that she wants her nieces to know their uncle? Apparently.

He has a job that pays the bills, nothing more. He has no desire for more. A large box with a chair and a computer and he would be happy.

I don't understand it and it frustrates me. It's almost like he's actively setting out to form as few attachments as possible. He's interested in so many things...he's so charming and gets along with everyone, but it's almost as if something gets too close, the switch flips and he's moved on to the next thing.

Perhaps it's selfish, but I want a home. A house. A very small, very quaint house. We can well afford this. But he will not spend the money. He could have a million dollars and I think he would still not spend the money. I can't afford a home here. I'd have to move several hours away from my family in order to be able to afford a home on my own. But with his help we could have a home, have savings in the bank, be close to our family, and have everything either of us have ever wanted.

I've said it before, that I need to live my life as though my partner doesn't exist. But it's scary and it's not a partnership when the partner isn't participating.

there's so much more to be said, but my eyes are heavy.

#life

My uncle died yesterday. He went to sleep and never woke up. He was sick for awhile, but had been doing better. I guess his body was too exhausted to keep going. He had some pains and his family suggested he go to the hospital, but he refused. I don't know if he knew or if he was just being stubborn. He said he'd feel better if he rested.

He was a beautiful person. Generous and funny and kind. His kids are all lovely and warm and sensitive and I can't imagine how they must be feeling.

At night you go to sleep expecting the next day to be the same as it always is...you never expect to wakeup to news like that. News that literally changes your life.

He's gone now. It's hard to process. He won't be there anymore. Nothing else will have changed, but he won't be there. And he won't ever be there again.

I think of my own dad and how strange it will be when he passes. I can't fathom it.

It's hard to know what I feel. I just feel bad. Terrible. I don't want things to change. Too many things have changed. I'm tired of going to someone's home that seems like it's missing something integral. Everything feels so temporary. It doesn't feel right. My uncle and my aunt come as a pair. It's not right when one of them is missing. There's an uneasiness that I can't shake even years after people I loved have gone. I can't accept what the new normal is.

But there's nothing I can do. We went for dinner with them not too long ago. I didn't appreciate it at the time. But now I want to go back to that day. To see my uncle in his worn baseball cap. To see his sweet smile. I want the same for my cousins. I want them to be able to hug their dad again. I'm heartbroken for them.

#life

joni

Today I put my baby to sleep. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. A couple months ago she was diagnosed with cancer and put on steroids to try to give her more time. She never really improved and I had to make the difficult decision to let her go.

As sad as I am, I can't stop thinking about how beautiful and peaceful the moment was. Joni had always been a purrer. You could hear her purring from across the room. And it was no different today. She lied in front of me and purred and purred until her little heart stopped. She was happy even in her final moments. Being affectionate with the lovely vet who helped her across. I watched her eyes and pet her until her eyes became lifeless and her head sunk.

It's hard to believe she's actually gone. I know that she is because I watched it happen, but even so I think part of me can't understand it. Surely she'll be coming back home. Surely we'll pick her up this afternoon and everything will go back to normal.

I wish that there was an afterlife so that I could see her again. I've lost many family members, but this is a different kind of thing. Her life was in my hands.

The support from my boyfriend is indescribable. From her diagnosis to her last moments. He never really connected with her, but broke down and said that he'd miss her in the end.

It's going to take a lot of getting used to. There are pieces of her everywhere.

#Life

romcommunist

losing my mind at this

scottishkilt

All 3 of my rabbits.

Insecurities run deep.

My parents both had/have bad skin and I was unlucky enough to get a wild combination of the two.

Generally my skin is very good, but one wrong product and I'm back to square one. Not long ago my rosacea started getting bad. Worse than it's ever been. I'm hoping it's not an age thing and it can eventually calm back down. In any case, I've been purchasing products over the past few months trying to find my holy grail. Certain combinations of products result in my skin stinging and certain ones result in the whitest, clearest skin. Coming up with a routine that works hasn't been easy.

I'm older now (30!) and far less self conscious. My skin was the bane of my existence in high school. I didn't look or feel beautiful. That was a word reserved for other girls. I just was. And just being, without the beauty, wasn't much back then. I was nothing. Or, I felt like nothing anyway.

It took a long time, years, for me to realize that I was someone. And even now there are days that I just feel like fading into the background and coming to terms with the fact that I'm a consolation prize.

The plan was to go to my boyfriend's mom's house. So, we both had showers. I got out of the shower to red, enflamed skin that I had to treat. But it was ok because the redness would calm in time. I went to see my boyfriend and immediately he looked at me and commented on how red my skin was. A few days ago he did the same. A mere observation, but not one that anyone wants to hear. The first time I didn't make a big deal of it. It was red, yes. And I explained to him why it might be so red and carried on. That may have paved the way for the more recent redness comment. It made him think he was welcome to comment on the state of my skin. I'm sure he meant nothing by it.

I jokingly but not so jokingly questioned whether he was going to comment on my skin each time it was red. He said it just looked painful.

I stepped away and continued getting ready to go to my boyfriend's mom's...trying to figure out how I should feel.

He didn't mean anything by it. He didn't mean it. He didn't.

But that's not what mattered. What mattered was I had red skin. I had skin that looked so bad it made him uncomfortable to look at. I had skin so bad it made him assume I must have been in pain.

And that's where I stood in high school. You make people uncomfortable. You are not beautiful. You are nothing. Once again.

I came back and told him I never wanted him to comment on my skin again. And then I proceeded to speak with him as little as possible. He didn't mean it. But what's the difference? Between the one you love telling you that your skin is bad and the one that only wants to make you feel small? Both have the same outcome. The difference is that I value the opinion of the one I love far more.

I tried to make light conversation to avoid things being awkward, but when someone hurts your feelings, you want to be far away from that person. I do anyway. And so I distanced myself. I'm in the bath now. Where I can write and where I can think. I don't feel as bad as I did earlier. But now each time I look in the mirror I'll question whether the person glaring back is going to make others uncomfortable.

Josh Duggar

Y’alllllll who saw that coming from a mile away?

Poor babies in that family.

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:’)

Norsemen (Vikingane) Season 1 Official Netflix HD Trailer

This show is killing me. Exactly what I need to get in a better mood.

hvitserkk

Arvid and Frøya‘s break

organicorc

Y’all need to watch this show

So “Norsemen” was just added to Netflix, and it’s amazing. It’s a Norwegian show, originally called “Vikingane”, but they’ve reshot it (or dubbed, I’m really not sure) where everything is the same except they’re speaking in English. Honestly I wish it was just subbed, because some things are less hilarious when lost in translation, but the basic premise of the show is this: The life of vikings in Norway, except they act like Norwegians act today. Everything else is true to history, and let me tell you, this shit is hilarious. People tend to glorify Norway, but I’m not sure they’re aware how utterly awkward Norwegians are in social settings. Please, watch “Norsemen”.

stardustmandalorian

scottishkilt

This is my favourite show and it got canceled. :(

I've never felt such sorrow.

Suddenly i've been stripped naked and am forced to stand in the spotlight with each inch of me exposed. But i'm not alone. He's next to me. Equally as naked. Perhaps, though, not equally full of sorrow.

i am fearful. i can hear the train heading for us. the blinding light is not warm, but cruel. if we don't move, we'll be hit. And everyone will witness it. Everyone who washed our bodies and adorned us with flowers and leaves. A gruesome scene of the fairest skin and the darkest hair flung in every direction. Like the purest falling snow.

he's already moving in the opposite direction. I can reach for his hand, but there we will remain. Together for eternity. A mess of blood and broken hearts.

i cannot save him. I cannot save us. But i can save myself. For there are so many hands reaching out. Nameless, faceless hands. hands i do not trust. Perhaps another train awaits. Is it worth the risk?

i want to close my eyes and pretend that reality is a horrible nightmare, but big girls cannot do such things. The ending has already been decided. Perhaps we can be scooped and replaced with a new ending but such things are also not possible.

the rumbling below causes cracks to form. i'll soon be too weak and too fragile. A decision must be made or one will be made for me. Could that be best?

I could close my eyes. I could just pretend. The foundation is shaking, but i'm strong. I've always been.

the metaphor simply doesn't work. Or maybe it does. Maybe the strength of us both can withstand the blow. Maybe it doesn't need to be withstood.

it isn't the final page, there's more to the story, but the pages are being ripped out one by one...too quickly to make sense of. no one is there to pick up where we last left off. Maybe that page has been ripped too.

#life

My aunt passed away a couple days ago. She had been suffering with early onset alzheimers for many years and i guess her body gave out. She went peacefully in her home where she'd been cared for by her loving husband for the past decade.

She had been holding on for so long without the ability to speak or eat by herself. I'm sure everyone was hoping that she'd pass on because the life she had been living wasn't a life anymore. She was basically dead already. She didn't deserve such misery. But despite not being the aunt i remember (she hadn't been her in years), i realized i haven't mourned until now.

My family spent a lot of time with her and her family. Her granddaughter that she helped raise is like a sister to me. My aunt, her grandma, would take us shopping and we'd go to church together. When we still went to church. She was so vibrant and funny and well-liked. To see a person that burned so bright quickly fade into nothing seems more difficult. She wouldn't have wanted that. But it wasn't her choice. She went from having difficulty expressing herself to not being able to express herself at all.

She hasn't been with us for over 10 years. We haven't been able to talk to her for over 10 years. The bulk of her grandkids don't know who she was. They don't know how kind and funny and wonderful she was. And that breaks my heart. So quickly people leave this world only to be forgotten a short while later. Such beauty the world lost.

I'm sad for my mom and my other aunts and uncles that lost a sister. I'm sad for my cousins that lost a mother and grandmother. I'm sad for her husband who lost a best friend and a sense of purpose.

It's not the relief I was expecting. It's just heartbreak. I'm sure it will eventually be relief, but that will take time.

#life

Happiness

Friends, hello.

I cannot begin to express how wonderful my life has been. It feels terrible to say that when such horrible things are happening in the world, but my life is better than it’s been in a long time.

For the past 8 or so months I’ve been working from home. And by working I mean “working”. A lot of my time lately has been spent creating books for Amazon, but prior to that I’ve been dabbling in various new hobbies. I’ve also collected a shitload of plants. This was before COVID-19 took hold of the world, but I’ve spent many hours caring for my new, green babies. My favourite is my neon pothos. Have you guys seen neon pothos? OH MY! Beauties! Pictures don’t do them justice. They end up looking like sort of tacky potato vines, but they are NOT! I also have a number of other pothos and philodendrons. I think they’re the most rewarding because of how quickly they grow. But I have a bird of paradise that I rescued from home depot...she was in the dark and her leaves were all torn, but she put out a number of new leaves this summer and has another one coming up now. She’s been rewarding too. There are so many more that I’d like to get, but I simply have no more room...and that’s after installing various shelving to put them on! I need to move.

SPEAKING of new babies...I don’t have children yet. I am still with my boyfriend, but the children thing is a bit up in the air. My new goal is to open a rabbit sanctuary. Hideaway Hollow, I’d call it. I don’t know if I’d get into trouble calling it that or not...in any case, I’ve grown so fond of rabbits over the past little while. In fact, I recently acquired (on the side of the road) a third rabbit. His name is Rupert and he’s the friendliest. Almost immediately he decided we’re good people and began grooming us. He has a bit of a obsession, I think. Like he’ll lick you over and over again until your hand or arm or face no longer has skin left on it. So 3 rabbits, a cat, my boyfriend, and me...in an apartment. A rather large apartment, thankfully.

I want so desperately to move, but I’m happy with the way things are. I imagine we’ll continue working from home for at least another few months, so until that happens I don’t have to worry. I’ll stick with my many money-making ventures...none of which have taken off yet. But I’m hopeful!

I’ve also gone back to school. Not gonna lie, I regret it a bit. Classes are online, so I figured why not finish my arts/sciences diploma? Currently I have nothing. No certificate, diploma...nothing. But I only need to take 5 classes to graduate, so why not take advantage of being home all day? It’s a lot of work and I don’t feel passionate about any of the classes. I signed up quite late, so most things were already full...and I don’t have any prerequisites for most of the classes I’d want to take, so those weren’t options. Japanese started really great, but the teacher is ridiculous. She’s worried about students cheating, so she gives us only 10 minutes to complete 15-question quizzes once a week. Is that stupid or is that stupid? It’s stupid. A number of other students agree, but she’s unwilling to do anything about it because there are students doing well. I think it’s only because they’re cheating.

Anyway. I hope you’re doing well. I think about all of you on here from time to time. I hope that you and your families are safe and healthy and I hope the situation in the US and COVID wasn’t/isn’t too strenuous.

#life

Be able to deliver? He can't tell his parents the truth. They're like strangers to him. I question whether he's been honest with anyone. Is he honest with me? He's never been upset with me. Surely i've given him a handful of things to be upset about. Is he hiding his feelings?

it almost feels like i don't know him sometimes. Or like he doesn't know himself. like he doesn't, at 30 years old, know who he actually is...so he tries to be someone he thinks everyone wants him to be.

i'm honest. I know who i am and i like who i am. I feel like i can be completely honest with him, so the thought of him guarding himself makes me uncomfortable.

idk

My boyfriend is sweet.

Take a bite and he'll melt in your mouth.

cover every surface with a fuzzy layer of sugar.

sinking deeply into every crevice.

creating crevices of its own.

i'm not passive. i'm anxious and i'm shy, but i will not let anyone walk all over me. I've dealt with that too long. My boyfriend is that person. He will inconvnience himself 1000 times. Over. And over. so long as everyone else is comfortable. and it drives me crazy. Because as his spouse, i know that i too will be pulled into this passive forcefield he's so proudly built. He's proud. he's polite and he's kind, but being polite and kind is only positive when it doesn't put you at a disadvantage.

today annoyed me. I took this week off of work. My boyfriend was also going to take this week off of work so that we could hang out together. "Did you ask for the week off yet?" "Oh no, i forgot, but i will."

he didn't. He had no intention.

we wouldn't go to the beach. We wouldn't go for walks. No. Because he'd be working.

he works for a small company that lays employees off every few months. He seemed concerned, but didn't do anything about it. his supervisors are clueless and despite being with the company for a number of years, they haven't had any significant promotions. Can't imagine their pay has increased any either. Anyway...my boyfriend is like a slave to this company. He constantly talks about how useless they all are, and shows me proof of their uselessness, but he constantly goes above and beyond for them despite getting nothing in return.

it's a deadend job.

he's afraid to ask for vacation time. He's afraid they'll say no. He's working on a project and he didn't want to let them down by asking for a week off. A week he's entitled to. He wouldn't even ask for a day. He said he would. but he "forgot". because i'm only worth that apparently. "ohh were we going to spend time together? Gosh...totally forgot!"

anyway. Today he found out that his supervisor is off the remainder of this week. So my boyfriend can't work on his project. So he could have taken the time off. He's a fool. And he knows it. And i know it. They don't care about him. I said that to him among other true fax and maybe shouldn't have. But he needs to hear it. People spend their entire lives working for companies that never cared about them. And neglect the people in their lives that do care. In this case, my boyfriend chose work over me. They chose their families over my boyfriend. That's the way it should be. A job is a job.

today he mentioned something about how he wished he had the rest of the week off (wednesday is canada day, a stat holiday). i mentioned that he could have had the rest of the week off. He angrily said that he knows. I upset him. Or so i thought. I felt bad and thought i may have been too harsh earlier in the day. Simply telling him the truth he didn't want to hear. And so i apologized...to which he said that he wasn't upset and that he was joking. Always joking. I told him that i wished he wasn't joking because it would have made me feel better if he spoke his mind instead of made a joke of it.

this likely makes no sense, but the whole situation upset me and as i was jogging in place in front of the tv to try to make myself feel better, i remembered how writing used to help me work through different things.

but i think a lot of the things that upset me about my boyfriend are very minor. at least they seem minor. now. In the future they'll likely become significant problems.

if my boyfriend chooses his work over me now, what will it be like in the future? i'll be alone. i'll spend my days off alone. I won't have him there to share things with. Because he'll be at work. Would he rather be home? Of course...but he's somehow convinced him that they need him. That him taking time off is detrimental.

i don't know what leads to behaviour like this. But it's deepseated.

it's not only this. It's other passivity. is that a word? He won't tell anyone the truth because he doesn't want to upset anyone. I fear that. When i need to hear the truth from him, will he

I'm crying in the bath. The last time this happened I was able to nip it pretty quick, but this is lasting a little longer. It doesn't happen as often as it did. I seek it out. It's nobody's fault but my own. I have a thought...a feeling...and i go out of my way to confirm that the thought is true. And I can't seem to help it. Often I do other things, to distract myself. Well, I may not be distracting myself from sadness, but i'm too consumed to think anything negative. There are those times though that I break. I'm not good enough. Not smart enough. He doesn't like me as much as he liked her. He wished I was this or that instead of what I am. It's heartbreaking. It's like one half of me is a child that can't be consoled and the other half is a mother that's confused and wants so badly to make her child ok again. I think a lot of it is how i feel about myself. I'm not sure why that is. I think a lot of the people in my life have been users. I think a lot of people in general are users. They'll use you until something better comes along. They'll request your undivided attention, but will never give it back to you. It makes you feel unworthy. It makes me feel unworthy. I'm trying hard to make something of myself. I don't want everything to be a struggle. But it all seems futile. Why bother? You'll achieve everything you ever wanted shortly before you turn 50 and acquire a life threatening form of cancer. My thought is that I'm not his ideal. He had said he doesn't have an ideal. He doesn't know what it would even be. It's not him, I think. It's me. I'm sure I'm not enough and I'm just waiting for him to figure that out. He doesn't know the half of it and I don't want him to. I don't want him to console me. I don't think it would do me any good. I don't know how to break out of this self loathing. This jealousy. That too seems futile. Maybe that's all there is to it. I can't be perfect. Maybe my imperfection is crying like a child every few months. Alone. In the dark. It's not something a pill can fix. It's not a wound that can be treated. Oh how I wish it was. It won't heal. Not quickly anyway. I'm not sure how to fix myself. I'm not sure how to convince myself that I'm worth holding onto. But I tell myself that he's with me for a reason. He cuddles me every night before bed. He hasn't missed a night. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't be here. Over and over I repeat it. Trying to convince myself that it's true. But it's hard to do when other negative thoughts bubble up. He's with you because he hasn't found an ideal replacement. He's with you because you're convenient. So what is it? Certain thoughts are easier to believe. You poor darling. I wish you weren't so sad. And now you have to crawl out of the tub with red, puffy eyes and try to pretend that you didn't just spend the last hour crying. It never works. And it only makes you then cry from embarrassment. I don't know whether I deserve him, but he's a saint.

#Life

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