How to be a better person in a relationship:
Get more sleep. Taking care of yourself is a win-win for you and your relationship, and sleep is at the top of the list. Not only can sleep deprivation affect your energy, mental alertness, and mood, but it reduces glucose levels, which adversely affects self-control (Gailliot & Baumeister, 2007). And self-control plays a big role in relationship success: Those with higher self-control are more able to respond in constructive ways to their partners (Finkel & Campbell, 2001), and the more self-control couples have, the higher their relationship quality tends to be (Vohs, Finkenauer, & Baumeister, 2011).
Take action. Certain behaviors make a difference in relationship happiness. These maintenance behaviors often come naturally, but intentional efforts to engage in them could benefit relationships. Research (Stafford, 2010) underscores the power of these seven behaviors in particular in predicting relationship satisfaction, liking, love, and commitment:
Express your gratitude. Feeling grateful is one thing, but telling your partner is another. Do you express your gratitude? It turns out that sharing your feelings of gratitude is linked to positive partner perceptions and a willingness to voice relationship concerns (Lambert & Fincham, 2011), which helps maintain healthy relationships.
Avoid hunger. New plans for physical health and wellness often involve diet changes (eat more veggies, etc.), but do what you can to avoid hunger. New evidence suggests that restrictive dieting can have a negative effect on relationship quality. When youâre hungry, anger and aggression are more likely (Bushman, DeWall, Pond, & Hanus, 2014); in relationships, these âhangryâ moments do little to promote relationship well-being.
Focus on humility. Help your relationship by keeping a check on your ego. Not only are humble people evaluated more positively as potential relationship partners, but humility seems to be an important ingredient for relationship success (Van Tongeren, Davis, & Hook, 2004). It may improve relationships through its association with forgiveness, a powerful tool for healthy relationships.
Spend quality time together. Much anecdotal evidence suggests that spending more time together increases relationship satisfaction, but only recently has research scrutinized whether time really does increase satisfaction, or whether perhaps relationship satisfaction increases time spent together. Contrary to widespread belief, long-distance relationships are no different in their relationship quality (Gulner & Swensen, 1995), despite the idea that (by definition) couples in long-distance relationships spend less time together. The results suggest we might attend more to the quality of the time spent with our partner, rather than the quantity.
Be kind to yourself. To be the best partner you can be, start by being kind to yourself. Scientific evidence is accumulating in support of the idea that self-compassion is a wonderful foundation for a healthy partnership. Self-compassion is a habit of gentleness towards oneself during times of failure, inadequacy, and imperfection. Evidence shows that self-compassion predicts the types of behaviors that translate into healthier relationships, such as offering care and concern for a partner (Neff & Beretvas, 2013). In other words, working on ourselves can benefit our relationships.
Positivity. Express happiness and pleasure when spending time together.
Understanding. Listen, forgive, apologize, and refrain from judgment.
Giving assurance. Talk about the future; remind your partner what he/she means to you.
Self-disclosing. Share feelings and encourage your partner to do the same.
Openness. Share what you need or want in the relationship.
Sharing tasks. Equitably share responsibilities (e.g., family, household, relationship).
Involve networks. Spend time with your partnerâs friends and family.
Hopefully this empirically-based evidence can help benefit your relationship. Note that healthy relationships reflect an ongoing effort from both partners to address the needs of âme,â âyou,â and âus,â and are difficult to achieve unilaterally. That said, an everyday effort by one partner changes the relationship for the other partner, potentially influencing the otherâs thoughts and behaviors. In other words, your actions do not occur in isolation; they have an influence on both your partner and your shared relationship.
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