i want to scream

[screamngintothevoid]

I don't think i know how to feel properly

Or live properly

I don't think I know how to do this

Any of it

...

2 months

[screamngintothevoid]

I am so ANGRY

how has it come to this?

the world is going fucking backwards and things are happening all over again, they're killing us all over again

and today, fuck today I cry for the children

the ones who will hold it in, unfomfortably conform, be forced to show their differences

the ones who will be taken advantage of

the ones who will be hurt and abused in the sake of "equality"

i'm disgusted and i'm angry and hurt and broken

how are we meant to fight this?

because hope and activism aren't enough when they have guns and control

how do we win?

how do we keep going?

how is this even the world we are living in?

[screamngintothevoid]

I can't live in this house anymore

I can't do it

Sleeping on the floor of my teenage home, gaping through my parents divorce all over again 10 years later

It's my literal hell

It feels like punishment

Except of course this time I'm not a student with the escape of school

I need out

Like now

Life needs to change and get better or for fuck sake man I'm not doing it anymore

[screamngintothevoid]

I met my younger self for coffee.

We were both half an hour early.

They had a hot chocolate and I had an iced latte.

"So you're still alive?" They ask, looking almost hopeful at my presence.

"Just about."

They want to ask so much, will things get better? Will we get better, get a job, get married, get everything we ever wanted? They won't dare ask though. They know better than to hope for these things.

"Is it worth it?" They settle on after examining my face, my tired eyes, chewed up lips and the faint smell of cigarettes and weed eminating off of me.

I shrug. "Still waiting to find out."

We both check the time, wondering if and when a version of ourselves from even further down the line will join us.

If they are coming, they finally learnt to be late. They finally learnt not to be so anxious about things. They finally prioritise their time for themselves.

"Are they still coming?" My teenage self asks, anxiously glancing at the door, eyes gleaming as they continue to hope.

"I don't know." I say honestly.

"I hope they do, I want to meet them." There's excitement in their eyes, it's there when they look at me too.

"I hope so too." I say, against my better judgement. I learnt not to hope for much but their hopefulness is infectious.

I missed them.

[screamngintothevoid]

It's been 3 years why can't i just get over it and move on

I would give anything to stop fucking thinking about you

Cos lord knows you are not thinking about me

[screamngintothevoid]

I finally got to hear you say all the things I wanted to hear

How you're sorry and you fucked up and you miss me

My response of "you dodged a bullet" didn't make you laugh like I thought it would

Even in my dreams I ruin the moment

And even in my dreams you still leave

[screamngintothevoid]

It's funny

You now feel the way that I felt when you left

But you'll probably never realise that

All that pain you're going through, you put me through it first

And yet, you still don't give a fuck about me

Still don't care

Still don't realise what you did to me

And you probably never will

[screamngintothevoid]

I hope one day someone looks at me the way you looked at me

I hope one day someone will hold my hand across the table at a restaurant and smile proudly when I eat with them

I hope one day someone will see a trinket that reminds them of me and just have to get it for me

I hope one day someone will look up at me and whisper how beautiful I am

I hope one day I feel as loved as you made me feel

I hope they will never leave like you did

I hope that it's real

... I hope

[screamngintothevoid]

I don't get it

I work so hard I try so damn hard

Life feels like it's finally starting to all come together

And then it just crashes

And burns

And I'm back at square fucking one again and again

I am no further than I ever have been

I am 17 and clueless and stuck in my parents house feeling like I will never leave

I ache

If I could make it all stop

Just stop

I'd do it

Because I can't keep doing this

[screamngintothevoid]

sometimes I think I could just rot away in the house I rotted in as a teen and no one would really care or notice

maybe I shouldn't go back at all

[screamngintothevoid]

dont know why i try

[screamngintothevoid]

WHY AM I NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE????

why does everyone find long term partners after seeing me

why do they never choose me?

[screamngintothevoid]

It just feels like im waiting

And screwing everything up

Like my life is one big error

But maybe things cant get worse than this

Maybe it is just up from here

Or maybe it gets worse

...it cant

It absolutely cannot get worse

And sooo... why arent you eating ?

[screamngintothevoid]

The truth is, I would give you a million chances if it meant I got to see you again

[screamngintothevoid]

I miss you

Its been a month and I still miss you

I wish you were still here

I wish you hadnt been so afraid

I think this is it

[screamngintothevoid]

sometimes you don't need to send the email, sometimes its okay to just let something change you quietly

[screamngintothevoid]

stop talking stop talking stop talking

no one cares

why do you never learn?