Diary of a Future Cancer Survivor! @screwyoulymphoma - Tumblr Blog

Moving on

I have decided that I need to stop putting my life on hold because of the horrible thing that happened. I wouldn't say it's easy to stop everything because of cancer, but it's one of the easier options. It is true, you need time to heal and grow back into some form of the person you were before you were sick. The way I see it, I was a flower blooming & then weeds took over and tried to take my down. I am still that flower, those weeds are still there, but I'm going to need to break free from them sooner or later in order to be the best f**king flower you've ever seen. So I am going to school. I had the thought in the back of my mind for a while now, but was telling myself that I can't do it quite yet. I've decided I'm tired of waiting around for all the good karma that I deserve. I've got to do something on my own. So off to school I go. I'm going back to laurier, where I've completed a bit over half of first year of psychology. I'm still going to live at home, but I am moving forward with my life. This is feeling like a rash decision to me because I was so against going to school until I was sure I was ready, but I need to sooner or later. I'm not ready to travel so I want to do something constructive with my life. The plan is to fake it until I make it.

Okay so here are some pictures so you can see my hair. I tend to wear it in bobby pins so it's not as crazy because of the awkward length. I actually get hair compliments from strangers now which is pretty cool in my opinion.

I guess it's time to update. I abandoned my blog because I didn't feel as if I was in the right state of mind to write in a constructive manner. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is common in cancer survivors, especially child and young adult survivors. I was living everyday just waiting to be told that my cancer was back; I was worried for every person I knew in the slight chance they got it. I was reliving every horrible moment. I am so happy to say I have come to mental clarity. So after an iffy CAT scan, I was booked for a PET scan. After I received the PET scan I was told that I had a new tumour... turns out it was a typo and I am cancer free! I work about 20-30 hours a week, go to the gym *most* days and have been feeling a lot more like myself. I finally got to the point where even I was feeling ridiculous with my constant fears & told myself I needed to stop allowing myself to continue being a victim to my cancer. It is not an easy thing to do- trust me. I was down to working one shift a week, not going to the gym, sleeping most of the day & being as antisocial as I could. I knew it was one of those things that didn't just happen, you need to really work to get better. I asked for one more shift & started working out for 20 mins 3 or 4 times a week. It was a slow start but I'm feeling like I'm in a MUCH better place right now. Also I have SOOO much hair... I will post a pic soon. I even got some blonde highlights so I could feel more like myself. The process of recovery has felt like an eternity but I definitely feel like I am mountains ahead of where I was before. Regarding plans for the fall: school? No. Work? Starbucks. Anything else? Not sure. Everyone asks me what my plans are but in all honesty, I don't have any. I am just waiting until I feel totally capable once again & then I will figure it out. Getting better is a long road but I am doing it, one day at a time.

I’m not quite sure if anyone still reads this, I haven’t been the best at updating. ANYWAYS! Good news once again, my hematologist called to tell me I don’t have to come in for testing tomorrow because my last test results were so great that she had no worries. Staying hopeful for recovery.

2017

Hello All!!

I have been struggling with exhaustion and keeping up with school, but I’ll try to update you the best I can. I am still really dealing with fatigue. It seems to haunt me most of the time, but I push through the days. Those of you who know me, you know I’m great at pushing through. I finished last semester with surprisingly great marks that I’m really proud of. My hard work has been paying off.

Not that much is new. Yesterday we decided that I take on 4 courses this semester, instead of 3. It is not the 5 that I originally hoped for, but if I take a course in the spring, I’ll be at the same speed as the rest of the first years.

I had the flu which seemed to attack my body as much as any other sickness has lately. I was battling with a fever that peaked at 103.7 and I was unable to keep food down. I am very happy that is over.

In all honesty, I am happy the holidays are over. They proved to be stressful for me and I’m happy to go back into a routine. My school starts back today, although my classes don’t until tomorrow.

Today I’ll be at the hospital doing the “bronchial challenge”- yes this is a medical test. It’s to test to see how extensive my lung damage has been and if I have developed asthma as they suspected. It is apparently very challenging and draining, but my lungs have been a bit better lately so I’m staying hopeful.

I still do live with the fear of cancer. I’m scared that even a PET scan saying I’m NED will not be enough. I still live with the scares of losing 5 pounds and thinking what if its back. Or experiencing pain and thinking it is related to a reoccurrence or different cancer all together. I know I’lll get over this, it’s just currently a pain in the ass.

I am staying hopeful that 2017 is a year of healing and the year that I finally find my groove. I hope all of you have had a Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate) and I hope 2017 has wonderful things in store.

So, speaking of Christmas, I was trying to come up with a Christmas list and realized all I want is good health. I couldn’t write that on the list so I wrote espresso maker and milk frother instead. BUT, anyways, I’m surrounded by such great people and so much love, what more could I possibly want?

Mom is in Germany and I’ve been missing her dearly. In Germany there are a lot of Christmas Markets that my mom has been visiting. We have our on Christkindlmarkt here in town, so me and dad went.

I feel like I owe you guys some sort of apology because I haven’t written in so long. Radiation was tough but I got through it. I’ve been throwing up a lot lately because of this wonderful thing called esophagitis. Basically, radiation had burnt my esophagus and has been causing me a lot of trouble. The fatigue that came along with radiation has been unbearable, I missed several classes because I couldn’t find the energy to go. ANYWAYS, I’ve finished that for a little over a week now. I’d like to think my energy is coming back a little (it isn’t) but my charisma definitely is. I’m feeling more and more like myself everyday.

Also I finally got my tattoo that means where there is a will there is a way

I've been gone & I'll be honest, I've kinda been struggling. I'm constantly exhausted and it's really taking a toll on me. I'm not quite sure what to do. I feel like I need to keep up with school and work to keep my sanity but its all so exhausting. Radiation has started and its given me a cough and trouble breathing. Not to mention more fatigue. I'm really trying my best to get through this. We went to Hamilton and saw a specialist who is pleased with how my treatment has been going. We also had to listen to all the if ands or buts about if treatment does not end up with the result we want, which was scary. Staying hopeful.

I had a party last night for my 19th and finishing chemo. It was great to celebrate with all my friends. Here are a couple pics!

So it's been decided, I'm getting radiation. I've signed the consent papers and I get the call in 10 days or so about when I start (which will be a day or 2 after the call). I got two little tattoos which look like little freckles that show where the radiation is going to be. It's going to be 14 days of treatment which is a lot better than the 20 they had originally talked about. My mass is now 5x3cm, which is great compared to 13x11cm it was originally. I'm getting pretty tired of fighting but I know this is going to be over soon. It was my choice to get radiation. It gave me better chances of not getting lymphoma in a year or two, compared to the risks of getting breast or thyroid or lung cancer in 10-30 years. I gotta do what is best for my health even if I'm exhausted from all of this.

Resentment

Today I was reading for class and I read something I found strange. It talked about if you went to a restaurant in the pouring rain and a stranger stole your umbrella. The academic article claimed that you would RESENT the fact that someone stole your umbrella. It went on to say that you would be bothered by it and unable to stop thinking about it. I thought this was quite silly, out of all the things to get worked up over, why you would chose to get mad over an umbrella? I mean I understand being mad when you walk in the rain, I understand being frustrated that it's gone, but I don't understand why you would resent it. I mean my favourite umbrella is from the dollar store anyways. But this got me thinking. What do I resent? And I realized this journey has brought a lot of resentment into my life. I try to keep my blog as positive as possible while not glorifying my journey, so I haven't really talked about resentment yet. There is a lot of resentment in my life and I try my best to keep it at bay. Today I went dress shopping for an outfit to wear for my birthday. I felt resentment every time I looked in the mirror. I hate my body. I'm not kidding, I've learned to hate it. I mean out of all the things to hate in the world: war, rape, genocide, racism, etc, why do I choose to hate my body? It's this extra weight I've put on. It's the stretch marks that came with it. It's every time I look at anyone who can wear tight clothing and look great. I resent cancer and I resent what it's done to my body. I at least can come to some degree of peace with cancer, it has taught me valuable lessons that I will carry with my for the rest of my life. I still can't get over the fact that it's taken my hair and given me dozens of pounds. I can't get over the fact that it's taken my healthy lungs and given me these crappy ones. I can't get over the fact that it's taken my ability to work and run and do things like a regular teenager and given me nothing in return. I've come to the conclusion that I will not come to peace with this until the stretch marks fade and the weight subsides and the hair grows. Then I will be able to look at the pictures and say thank god that is over. I'll be able to understand that these nasty things came with one beautiful thing, life. For now, I'm stuck in resentment.

Today was such a great day. I got so much done and managed to last the day without feeling overly tired.

We visited a naturopath today. She gave me a lot of reassuring news about recovery. We also developed a plan for losing my cancer weight, which luckily doesn’t change my diet too much (except for the fact we are cutting out dairy). She agreed that a lot of the weight will fall off naturally, so it isn’t much of a change or diet for that matter. It’s more of a lifestyle change. I am cutting out dairy which can cause inflammation, aka the main issue with my lungs. As well as sugars, which can help contribute to my fatigue. We are mainly changing my diet in ways that help deal with the side effects I have from chemo. My body is still full of toxins which would be released if I lost too much weight and then I would experience my chemo side effects all over again. She also agreed that I receive radiation. It’s really great because she believes in conventional medicine, but also adds naturopathic ways to maximize the benefits from the medicine I am receiving. Also she looked at the blood test that my doctor did when he diagnosed me with mono, she said that the results were indefinite about mono and should of been further investigated. She also suggested that I find a new family doctor. Weirdly enough this gives me a little peace with the whole matter.

Joey and I went to the cemetery to visit my sister and grandpa. Then we took Dylan for a walk through Laurel Creek. The leaves haven’t quite changed yet, but the scenery was so beautiful. It was so nice to spend some time with Joey.

Then I had another appointment and then went grocery shopping. I came home to find the package with the necklace my aunt bought for me had arrived and I’m in love with it. Then Bianca, Benny and I studied at the library for a bit. It was a full day, but a great day.

Thankful

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I just wanted to put out a post about being thankful. If these past 6 months have taught me anything, it is to be more thankful. I’ve always been “thankful” for what I’ve had in my life, but I’ve really learned the true meaning of the word.

I am thankful for good days and Häagen-Dazs ice cream. I am thankful for friends and family and people who I don’t really know but still make an effort with me. I am thankful for coffee in the morning and wine at night. I am thankful for bubble baths and candles that smell good and singing at the top of my lungs. I am thankful for people who offer to drive and oversized sweaters and lungs that work like lungs. I am thankful for medicine and doctors and nurses who smile at you. I am thankful for cuddles and the door being held open for me and mornings where I can lay in bed. I am thankful for so many things, those are just a few of them.

Please tell the people that you love how much you love them. Please thank them for everything they do.

Tired

Okay, so yes I had a great day and I realized I’m really happy where I am. But now it is 1 am and its pouring outside and I’m exhausted, so I’m going to go on a poor me pity speech/rant.

I’ve realized that being me is really tiring. I am exhausted with being me. It’s so frustrating when you have to draw on your eyebrows for fear of looking like a bad version of the Mona Lisa, and put on eyeliner to hide the fact that you don’t have eyelashes, and wear a scratchy hot wig just to look normal. I wish I did this for other people. I wish I did this to impress others or something like that. Right now, the only reason I do it is so I can live with myself. I miss waking up in the morning and immediately jetting off wherever I have to be. I am so tired of drawing on a face and styling a wig. The only thing worse than having to do that everyday is actually leaving the house without my disguise.

Furthermore in my self-pity party, I am starting to get serious fear of missing out on stupid things. Like I don’t think I would have even chosen to take up smoking, but what if I wanted to. Well I can’t now. It’s stupid I know, but I just wish I could be an irresponsible teenager. I wish I could make stupid decisions and not give a crap about my body.

I’m just getting really tired of everything I need to keep up with to be myself. I’m really tired of watching the list of things I can never do pile up.I’m really tired of getting tired so easily.

I got to work at Oktoberfest again today like I do every year. It was tiring but it felt so great to have a purpose again. I left work really happy with where my life is going.

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