scribbled by shanelle

from the pen to the page, here we are

[scribbledbyshanelle]

things i wish someone had said to my younger self

you are not boring / you are allowed to speak your mind / you are allowed to set boundaries / you are not responsible for anyone else’s reactions / you do not have to prove your worth / you do not have to love others to deserve being loved back / you do not need anyone else besides yourself / prioritize what makes you happy / not everyone deserves to be blessed with being loved by you / give yourself what you wish you got from others / you are not selfish for wanting more / you are a great writer / it is okay to want to put words on paper first, as long as you get them out eventually / the world wants to hear what you have to say

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

an observation

4.20.20

she’s a nice girl, sweet, golden like a pot of honey left in the sun for too long

i think that is why she is so attracted to the night, like a little moth to light

she is intrigued by what intimidates her--

maybe she has a soft spot for making herself feel small 

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

quarantine

4.8.20

spent all day looking through these screens

can’t tell the difference between what i see and what it means

stuck falling through this black mirror

each day starts to feel a little less clearer 

trying to hurry my way through this maze

make it to the outside or see another human face

tired of being alone or do i mean online?

if i shut it down and take a look around, what will i find?

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

what keeps me going

4.4.20

the best college nights are spent in the kitchen

as ordering pizza becomes the weekly tradition

when the air’s filled with more laughs than light

everyone sharing wild stories back and forth all night 

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

alternate 11:11

4.3.20

i wish i liked vegetables

i wish i worked out multiple times a week

not just whenever motivation strikes me

i wish i didn’t have to try so hard

to be mentally healthy

i wish i habitually did the things 

that are best for me 

instead, i sit and i dwell 

wallow in my own made up hells 

and i stray too far away from my wishes 

does a wish mean nothing if i don’t 

make it come true? 

yeah, i think so too 

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

tucked away

4.2.20

i keep a box of your old handmade cards under my bed

i rummage through and only see the words that weren’t said

i don’t know if i’ll ever get one again, 

is this how you wanted the collection to end? 

even so, i can’t take them out of the box just yet

i’ll let the dust settle on them, our own pile of regrets 

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

golden hour

4.1.20

i watch the yellow gleam over the trees

feel the warmth start to burn my knees

have i told you about how i admire the sun’s strength?

how she has never refused to get up out of bed each day?

or how her golden hues give me hope 

filling me with a light that could never be replaced 

the sun-- she is so brave 

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

an admission

4.14.20 // 10:53 pm

that teenage night life dream

where nothing ever stops

is that all a lie?

is craving every little cliché

just a waste of time?

I’m stuck in this perpetual

sadness, longing for

this version of life I never got

wrapped up in expectations

I was taught to want

where are all the people

I’m supposed to meet

are high school and college

one big fantasy?

will it get better if I just believe?

or stop wishing for things I’m ignoring to see?

now I’ve got the time but I’m

still not the person I wanted to be

guess I’ve got more work

to do in me  

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

poets anonymous

1.23.20

poetry classes are kind of like AA meetings-- 

we all come to face what is wrong with us, 

share if we feel like it 

hide if we don’t

but feel the pressure to anyway 

relish in the fact that we are scared but addicted

want to see where “this thing” goes

feel more comfortable being vulnerable 

in a room full of strangers 

the only place we don’t have to 

check our realities at the door before entering:

“welcome” 

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

out of habit

1.23.20 

i put a hand on my chest

as if i can reach through

straight into my heart to caress it 

make it stop beating so damn fast

grapple with it 

watch it slip through my fingers to the floor

put a caution sign over the spill with a “sorry”

and beg passerby not to step on the remains 

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

these days

11.25.19 // 5.27 pm

these days, i breathe easy

but no-- not every day is like this 

on the good days, it just feels as if

every day can be like this

yet there is only a way down

once you’ve made it up 

and when my mind spirals 

it goes deep into the trenches, 

into the inner crusts of my soul

where fire never stops burning 

i always find myself with 4th degree burns 

destroying more than just my flesh

i feel the heat spike in every muscle and bone

if you’ve every wondered what it feels like

to drown in your own fire, 

ask me 

and i will describe the details

through my scorched throat

everything dry except my eyes, 

filled with tears that can’t 

put the fire out 

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

parting ways

6.11.19 // 3:12 pm

good riddance to the ache

behind my eyes every time

I woke to see you gone.

you left your residence

between my lungs vacant,

as you pounded your way out

you made sure to steal

my steady breath one last time

holding myself hostage

in your calloused hands

but today, I stitched up my rib cage

with words addressed to you

how do you start a letter with bye?

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

an open letter to a misogynistic society

6.10.19 // 5:13 pm

you tell me to be quiet

as if I can only listen

tell my stomach to diet

just to see my body glisten

so if I do what I’m told

will that make me more appealing?

if I go and give up my rights

does that give you a righteous feeling?

you shame me for having pride

so you can control what I see

your hope is that I hide

from the mirror in front of me

but here I force you to face your reflection

why is that you so badly crave perfection?

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

for bitter, not for better

5.24.19 // 2:50 pm

he thinks he’s sweet

thinks he’s doing me

a favor, by coating

the lies with sugar

first

but only salt drips from his

lips, singeing my bare

body, a collection

of thinly veiled

wounds

blisters and scars

thicken my barrier,

a physical mark

of his insistent

will

I think maybe, he’s right

no one else can replace

his hand lovingly wrapped

around my throat

never

but I scream too loud

for that to be true, I scream

and scrape his bittersweet

scent from my skin to

heal

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

syrinx

5.22.19 // 7:18 pm

to be picked apart

and forced back together again

just for the simple purpose

of pleasing men

his fingers crawling

up and down my spine

my ribs elongated to

control my breathing

his lips wrapping around

my base to blow

his wicked winds

through me

his hands twisting

and turning me, reshaping

me into the masterpiece

he wanted

all because you couldn’t

take a “no”

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

to see the sun is not to burn but shine

5.17.19 // 3:35 pm

when my body sprouts flowers

in my own garden,

they are not for you to pick at

do not douse them in your

words drenched with shame

nor shine harsh light on them

I demand to feel the soft sun

kiss my bare shoulders

without being shunned

for embracing the warmth

my body is reality

to live in it is not revealing

it is mere existing

let me tend to my garden

without covering me in shade

just because you can’t handle

a blossom

- s.a.h

[scribbledbyshanelle]

to write is to suffer

4.10.19 // 10:29 pm

they say misery loves company

but mine is possessive

she calls herself poetry

as she tucks me into bed at night

she says “I am keeping you safe

by hiding you away”

poetry doesn’t let anyone in

past the windows

and on the sunny days

she closes the blinds

when she gets too close

she tends to steal my tongue

ripping each word from

my reluctant mouth

when i bite down

she says it is not my choice

it is only after she bleeds out

that I understand:

it is better to hurt out loud,

to follow your fears into the dark

so at least you know

their face

- s.a.h