scribbling in sand, reaching for the sun

shouting into an empty room, a verbal playground, where secrets (and maybe even lies) are told.

[scribblinginsand]

I wanna know

what's rattling around underneath the mass of curls that is your hair.

[scribblinginsand]

Been a while, crocodile

It's been so long since I've felt a little alive like this, like a sprout poking its head hesitantly through the dirt, uncertain whether it has the strength to survive any of it, but knowing it needs light and air.

[scribblinginsand]

WHAT HAVE I DONE

[scribblinginsand]

my taste is still exquisite, but my skills are atrophying and I’m afraid trying

[scribblinginsand]

My hand was cold And he held it. 

I shivered And He  Shifted closer

He snuck an arm around me.  I slid my pinkie Under his sleeve

I opened my bleary eyes to the sun And His back.

[scribblinginsand]

maybe if i don't say a word

we can just pretend it never happened

and go on living our lives side by side,

never again knowing trust

or freedom

or love

[scribblinginsand]

Who the fuck even knows what love is? I don't. And I'm not convinced you do, either. We're both just fools.

[scribblinginsand]

when i'm sad, i move slowly. 

and i'm not sure if he knows me well enough to get that yet. or that he ever will. 

times like this, all i want to do is curl in a ball and hide because i'm haunted by the sinking feeling that it's not going to work. that nothing is ever going to work, because i'm me and my emotions just can't fly that far. not anymore. 

i feel like i'm broken. and i'm just letting it happen.

[scribblinginsand]

At work

I'm that weird girl who can't have her back to the door and likes to hide under tables in the back. I'm okay with that.

[scribblinginsand]

"the million dollar question: what is love?"

"love is... being comfortable enough to be an idiot and know that they're not gonna think i'm weird or judge me, and knowing that i'll always have their support no matter what. love is... waking up and going to bed thinking of that person and smiling..." he answered. he went on and i couldn't meet his eyes, terrified at the thought that he was describing generalities, that i was just being vain and he wasn't actually talking about me. 

but then he turned the question around on me, and i came to this conclusion:

love is a decision. love is a decision that you make when you wake up in the morning, when times are getting kind of rough, when you're scared and you're not sure where things are going. it's a decision that says "i—we are in this. and we're going to make it work, because it's worth it."

that was when everything started to fall into place. 

and i asked him, teasing but nervous "so does that mean you love me, then?" he joked with me then, stalling for a minute until i started to burrow into his shoulder and he could see that i was starting to lose it. then he pulled me in close, bent his head closer to mine and whispered into the space between us.

"i love you." 

and for a breathless moment, i just looked at him, and i was still nervous. still scared. i spoke slowly, carefully, "... i... don't know if i'm 100% there yet, 'cause i'm still..." and i just trailed off for a second, not completing that thought in the slightest. then everything really clicked, and i realized i'd been letting the usual baggage of fear hold me back even from this, and it wouldn't be fair to him to assume that he's just like any of the other people i've dealt with in the past. 

"oh, who am i kidding?" i sighed, shaking my head. "i love you." 

and we're both still smiling.

[scribblinginsand]

"are you trying to tell me something?"

i asked him after he linked me this...utterly, heartbreakingly beautiful song and said the lyrics are what got him and made him want to send it to me. 

if your heart wears thin

i will hold you up

and i will hide you when it gets too much

i'll be right beside you.

i'll be right beside you.

"...maybe," he answered, not meeting my eyes through the computer screen that separated us. 

and as much as i don't want to admit it, i think i recognize what i'm feeling.

but what the hell do i do if he's not feeling it too? is that even a chance i'm willing to take? because all my instincts are telling me to run. run while i still can.

[scribblinginsand]

Five minutes and a sad.

This is where I start to pull away.

[scribblinginsand]

"what would we do if i moved to New York?" i asked the darkened streets i drove through on the way home from work. 

"i mean... it would definitely suck. i'd rather not think about it," he mumbled over the phone, suddenly quiet, suddenly sullen.

"but what would we do? i mean..." and i trailed off, unable (or just unwilling?) to finish that thought. 

"i'm sure we'd figure it out, like we always do," he said, still avoiding—still not giving me the assurances i'm unsure i want.

"i guess..." i said, similarly noncommittal, sounding unsure, also avoiding the thoughts that have been spinning in the back of my head since the day we began: maybe we won't make it, maybe i won't let us, maybe we call it quits before someone gets too hurt. but i violently shake those thoughts away, like always.

"it sucks to say this, but... don't... don't let me get in the way of what you want to do. you do what you need to. i don't want to be that person that stands in your way." 

and i can't tell what it is i'm feeling right now. he just said the most perfect thing in the face of what i'd thrown at him out of the blue. 

[scribblinginsand]

is it just me, or were you playing with my hair and watching me fall asleep that night? 

i'm just hoping i wasn't talking in my half-conscious state. 

[emptieds]

I feel like my life is so scattered right now. Like it’s all these small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan. But talking to you makes me feel like the fan’s been turned off for a little bit. Like things could actually make sense. You completely unscatter me, and I appreciate that so much.

John Green  (via loveyourchaos)

wishing i could say this with confidence about anybody.

then again, why should i need anyone else to help me feel unscattered?

[scribblinginsand]

ever have one of those days where all you want is a terribly good cry?

this is one of them. and i feel like i'm looking for reasons to break my heart so i can cry myself to sleep. 

[scribblinginsand]

i'm back

and i learned that traveling when you have a significant other (who isn't traveling with you) is quite different than traveling when you're single. 

i missed him. i missed the living daylights out of him, and i hadn't expected to. the last couple times i saw him, i suddenly found myself, for reasons then unbeknownst to my conscious brain, anxious and clingy and almost not wanting to go around the world for a measly two weeks because he wouldn't be there. it was, in fact, mildly disgusting. 

however, i say that with much fondness now. because i realize that deep down, i knew i'd miss him terribly. and my defenses didn't want that, because it would be miserable and i wouldn't be as present in my travels as i would like to and would have been otherwise. it would also have meant i was attached. it would have meant i was vulnerable. 

if i'd just come to terms with that beforehand and admitted to myself that i'd miss him from the get-go, it might have not been so bad. as it was, i had to face it while i was already halfway around the world, lying in a bunk bed with a fever and wishing i hadn't tried to be all calm and cool about it before i left. if i'd just womanned up and dealt with it to begin with, maybe i wouldn't have been so distracted by missing him when i should have been living the moment with my cousins and family that i hadn't seen in at least a year and those that i was meeting for the first time. 

i suppose the upside of it all is that he missed me too. ^_^

so there's that. i'm attached. and it's taking some getting used to, but i like it.