i have a pretty big issue with how people tend to assume the words “neediness”, “emotional manipulation”, and “abuse” all mean the same thing. like, someone with bpd who is texting you all the time and wanting you to guide them through their extreme emotions is emotionally needy. if they talk about wanting to kill themselves, they probably want to kill themselves, because they have bpd and that’s….kind of our thing.
i have a big guilt complex about “being manipulative” and my therapist was like…you know, in order to be manipulative you have to actually want to influence some kind of outcome. you’re expressing your emotions with whatever skills you have; it can be overwhelming, and people have the right to set boundaries around it, but it’s not an intentional act of manipulation. and then, like, manipulation is something people do all the time- sometimes for survival. abusers use manipulation, absolutely. abused people also have to carefully manipulate situations in order to navigate getting the validation, care, and sometimes even basic necessities they need inside of an abusive relationship. when you learn that asking for what you need directly gets you ignored or punished, you have to find roundabout ways. is this something it’s good to work on? absolutely, it’s a maladaptive coping skill that can cause damage in non-abusive relationships. but it’s not inherently abuse. abuse is when you use emotional manipulation in an attempt to control another person. this power dynamic is really crucial, because otherwise we come to the conclusion that everyone who needs help but doesn’t know how to ask for it effectively (which describes part of my bpd experience, at least) is the same as the people who hurt them in the first place. and that’s….awful
oh my god I love this post so much? half of the things people are calling “abuse” on this website are situations in which people don’t know how to deal w mentally ill ppl who are displaying Less Desireable symptoms (especially folks like us w bpd)
