Any advice for a guy who finds himself turned on by the dynamic you have with your husband but it’s mixed with guilt and shame because it seems so strict, intense, and controlling towards yourself?
To be clear, I’m not judging you and I understand it’s entirely consensual between the two of you, I just worry about if I’m letting my kinks clash too much with my respect for women.
(Sorry if this is a dumb question, feel free to ignore, I hope it makes sense, and again, I am in no way judging you)
I can understand why you feel that way. I’d suggest trying to change the shame into reflection to ensure that you and your partner are both getting a net positive out of the experience.
My Husband and I do check-ins often, and my kinks and desires inform a lot of the dynamic. I think he gets a lot of feedback from me, verbal and physical, that I’m having a great time. I debrief after saying that it was great and my body responds to that treatment more than anything else! I also feel empowered to let him know when something doesn’t work. Then we workshop it.
With that framework of reflection and mutual benefit, I think he’s been able to feel comfortable with the dynamic within the context of our relationship. He, like you, respects women at large and does his best to walk that walk at work, socially, and with our extended family. I have a lot of respect for how much he understands systems of oppression, even as a cishetero white guy, and his place in disrupting them in little actions every day.
This is, at the end of the day, playing hot pretend with your favorite co-op partner. I hope that once you find a connection with a person who helps you see that it’s a game to play that’s compatible with a loving, trusting relationship, that’ll settle your heart a little bit. Being reflective in the meantime is a good way to ensure you’re not letting what turns you on impact how you treat people who have not consented to participating with you and will prepare you to navigate a kink relationship with intention and empathy.
I also want to say that if a kink is giving you a bad feeling, even temporarily, it’s okay to ice it for a while. Sometimes my favorites sour for me for a bit until I feel settled again. Some of my childhood baggage can flare up and make me feel like taking a break, which is totally fine and respected. If the game isn’t fun, don’t play.
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