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I am at a point in my life where I feel brave for even considering to get help

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I don't need a relationship to be alive nor does anyone else

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{I don’t know wether my brain is making this up or wether this is real} Surely my best friend is more communicative and open to people, not to mention that she’s the one making suggestions and introducing new topics. It’s just that it hurts that too often people see me and the first question is “ou where is xx?” I just feel like a secondary character in my life sometimes and it sucks. I am very sure that no one has bad intentions saying stuff like that, also me trying to be more open to people i am not comfortable with could help and to try to come up with conversations (i get tired of a conversation pretty easily)- i guess a lot of it is just habit? Anyways, i’m not beating myself up because of it which i am already really happy about

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There’s this knot in my stomach

Reminding me that life can’t be good

That something bad, in fact terrible is right around the corner

That I will be my downfall, always

 You’re an imposter, it mumbles in childish laughter

Everyone will find out

[About What, About FUCKING WHAT]

 The knot becomes tighter in rapid succession

Trying to make me believe that I do know

 Well, screw it, I DON’T

And when everything becomes too real to bear

And I myself become a knot, too tight to loosen up

I will cling to that one rational thought

“Knots, too, are just feelings”

 //: I am not shoelaces

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Even though I graduated today I'm not going out this evening. It depressens me quite a bit:/

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Oral exam in psychology done, one in chemistry to go wup wup

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Ich mache viel Aber keinen sinn

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Today has been extra bad. I was literally laying in bed all afternoon, occasionally getting up to grab some food but finding the motivation and strength to even do that was very difficult. Every sentence, every movement hurts.

Whenever my father knocked on my door to tell me something, I made myself jump out of bed to keep the illusion alive that I was being productive. I don’t want him to worry about me and my health.

In the morning I managed to go for a run but as I was stretching I started crying to “Let’s talk about your hair” by Have Mercy, on the floor, on my yoga mat. This represents my current emotional state quite well. Now, in the evening I promised to go to a concert and later on my brother is returning from Ireland. But, oh my god, dancing to music and celebrating a reunion seem less appealing than eating dirt right now. I just can’t bear happiness, or talking, or anything that requires me to function today. HELP

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I hate how my voice breaks when i talk But what i love even more is that i keep speaking anyways //:conquering

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It’s a Monday, 8:30 p.m. and I want to change my life.

I want to change in ways I never dared to before. After the recent realization that the construct, that at some point or age in my live I will just be ready, is false and by all means untrue, there is no point to not start right now. I already wasted too much.

From maybe the age of 9 my mindset has been that fellow peers were ahead of me, mostly in a social context. They had conversations, something to say, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends. Never involved, I watched from afar, trying to analyse their behaviour in order to learn how I, too, could become as good as them. Let me just say it never worked.

These were my early teenage years. Later on I luckily started, and was partially forced by my few friends, to become more involved. I spoke more, still incredibly tense and anxious; I tried some things like drawing and running. These were achievements, to be fair. Being able to go out and at least get one sentence about my mental state out of my head is still astonishing to me up to this day. But it isn’t enough, tough.

My current reality is that I’ve been sick for the last two weeks; the last time I left the house was on Saturday. I am restricted, in ways that are unnoticeable by the public. I set boundaries on myself, on how much I can take without bursting; I struggle with relationships of any kind, I just don’t know how to get close, how to let someone in. The list of the things I wanna do at some point isn’t endless, but at least there is one. I procrastinate; I don’t do most of the things on my list. And that’s the aspect I want to change: DO THE STUFF. Not talk and think about it, get up and do it. That’s how I let go of my boundaries, my self-pity, by doing it. It’s so obvious it hurts but I spent years figuring this out.

 -I am so harsh when I write about myself-

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Some days I don’t speak up in class

Some days I lock myself in the bathroom desperately trying to cover my ears just because the noise of my family talking is unbearable

// spectrum

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//More than Silence

How is it that all I wanna write about is the lack of words I suffer from on an everyday basis

The wire between the brain and the mouth must be cut off or at least be damaged

What other explanation could there be, for a paralyzed tongue, for thoughts too slow to process small talk

Bathing in comfort around others will be more than I could ever ask for

The dream, the everlasting hope, the desperate wish

One silence fits all occasions

No matter the wind, the city, the people

 And you tell me to just start talking more

How dare you

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I crave living so badly. To feel everything joy, anger, grief, sadness. I want to feel so deeply, numness has already taken too much

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Sometimes I feel like the amount of luck I have is so damn unfair. I get the easier tests, I randomly learn the right thing, I have more money than I need. People think I am smarter and a better person than I actually am. So many of my friends work their asses of and get treated so unfairly. They deserve my luck, I feel like I am just cheating. Yes, I am not bad but they deserve it a lot more than I do. I feel like everything is just shoved up my arse.

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So a lot of things went wrong last night: a) i binged at dinner b) going out i felt so anxious, worthless and not liked so i barely talked c) in the bathroom of the pub i tried to purge. Someone was already waiting for the toilet to be open so i couldn’t. I don’t think i would’ve done it anyway but just to be in the mindset that the idea of throwing up my dinner to become drunk quicker and to lose weight seems like a good action is horrible. The little i care scares me a whole lot. d) waking up i feel absolutely worthless

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First day after winterbreak and I am unhappy with myself.