Change
You know, it is crazy how much someone can change; it’s even crazier how fast they can change. Sometimes it’s an event, sometimes it’s just getting older, but everyone changes. No one stays the same for the whole life. There are times when I sit and reflect on how I’ve changed and honestly, it’s been dramatic. I was once an extrovert; I was a jokester and tried to be in the lime light as much as possible. I was once popular, everyone knew me although I didn’t know them, people laughed at my jokes, and everyone liked me. I really don’t know what caused me to change, there was no traumatic event, my life around me didn’t change at all, the change was inside of me and began without any catalyst.
It’s almost a surreal feeling to be mid-transformation and suddenly become aware that you are changing, it’s like being able to actually watch yourself grow physically, you know you’re getting taller because when they measure your height at your annual doctor’s appointment, it’s different than last time. And adults who haven’t seen you in a few months will say “Oh my look at how BIG you’ve gotten!” You may think it’s silly but really, it’s because you don’t truly notice the change because you’re always there, there’s no before and after, there’s just an always. But now – realizing, say, that you’re legs are growing at a rate that you can actually see, it’s scary, right? Now, that’s what it’s like to realize that you are changing as a person, before your transformation is complete. You don’t know what you’re going to turn out to be and you don’t know if you should change the path you’re on. Anyone can detect changes in their inner self, new crowd of friends, new tastes in music, new perspectives on the world, and even simply being more empathetic. They’re signs that you’re changing, evolving even, but I really don’t see my change as evolving; I feel as though I devolved and that’s what scares me the most. It’s not realizing the change was happening that scared me most, but who I became.
Like I said, I was a leader of the pack, an alpha male of a flock of children. But then, I became more withdrawn and I preferred the company of myself. Sure, I kept a few close friends, it is a personal belief of mine that no one can sanely survive without any companionship, and I was no exception. I didn’t particularly go out, I really didn’t go out, actually, I didn’t go out at all. I really spent all of my time alone, locked up in my room, only leaving for school and extracurricular activities, that’s not living. If my current self ever watched my day to day life, Angel of Christmas Past style, I could see my current self absolutely screaming, shouting, yelling at my past self to “LIVE DAMMIT!!” I would be yelling at my cursed, socially defunct past self “WHY ARE YOU WASTING AWAY ON THE DAMN BED!! GO OUT! HAVE FUN!! YOU ARE IN THE PRIME OF YOUR LIVING AND YOU ARE WASTING IT ALONE IN YOUR ROOM ALL ON YOUR LONESOME YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF SPACE!!” Now, that may be harsh but it took years for me to return to my former socialite glory, though I remain a shadow of the social ray of sunshine I once was. My attitude towards my peers has not changed vastly since my days as a social recluse, the opinions of others have almost no effect on my behavior or my life as whole, me asking someone’s opinion on something, ANYTHING, shows that I actually truly value that person as a part of my life. I try as I might to be social but my peers that knew me during my time as a social hermit still see me in that light. I have evolved past my devolution and those that I have met since my most recent change have liked me a lot more than those who knew me when I was locked in my room as much as possible. I still get anxious in social situations I find to be awkward, and some of those moments are hard to recover from at times, but my close friends bring me back to the light, and suddenly I feel more at ease, I suppose it’s why I spend so much time with them, because I rely on them to feel normal.
My social anxiety is complex; it comes from an incredibly vast array of social experiences on both the extroverted and introverted ends of the spectrum. But the lesson here, what I’m trying to tell you, is that you don’t know someone as well as you may think you do. You know them for what they show you they’re like, they’ve evolved and maybe even devolved, but what’s important isn’t always how much you know about a person. I’ve told you my story to show you that anyone can go through such dynamics changes that it can leave a permanent imprint on their personality and psyche. No matter what someone has gone through and no matter how it has changed them, what is most important is to remember that you’re talking to, looking at, interacting with, another human being that has as much depth of character and experience as you, if not more and that should not only be respected, but honored. Treat that person like they’re you. Treat them as a trucker would fill a trailer full of priceless china. Treat them you want to be treated and then no one will disrespect you.