🪐

it’s chloe

[secondpersonpov]

My summer classes ended on Wednesday and don’t pick up for another month while we all try to get jobs and literally the evening my class was over I suddenly felt such a deep existential dread. Being fr unemployed with nothing to do but apply to jobs is genuinely making me crazy and it’s only been 2 and a half days lmao

[secondpersonpov]

dude I’ve just been going to go without health insurance for the past couple months bc I have some back up of my old medication but I did submit my proof of losing insurance documents for a special enrollment period through the state so I would have the option and recently I’ve started getting nervous about not finding a job in the fall so I decided to look for plans before my 60 day window is up but it turns out there was a problem with my documents and I have to resubmit them and my window to get insurance might run out before they verify them 😃 at which point I just won’t have insurance and won’t be able to get my medication refilled 😃 and it is 100% my fucking fault for not being more proactive about it

[secondpersonpov]

just realized that the reason I feel more comfortable referring to myself androgynously online than I do irl even with my closest friends and/or incredibly gay people is probably because online I can feel totally abstracted from my physical body. more to ponder here

[secondpersonpov]

I h8 gender

[secondpersonpov]

Being sexually attracted to people but finding sex kind of just fine is such a worst of both worlds situation. Like what if I craved something that reality will never really fulfill. Like everythingggg fucking else

[secondpersonpov]

Saw a headcanon about a character being transfem which is ofc beautiful but it was a whole long post with evidence that this is the logical conclusion and the evidence was like… this character acts submissively and is implied to have been the victim of sexual violence. Um

[secondpersonpov]

Idk maybe I’m being ungenerous here but like “o think this character is a woman and the narrative exploring some of the sexual trauma and dynamics that can coincide with that” ≠ “having sexual trauma and being submissive makes you a woman. because those are Woman Things” and the post did not really do anything to not be the second take

[secondpersonpov]

Saw a headcanon about a character being transfem which is ofc beautiful but it was a whole long post with evidence that this is the logical conclusion and the evidence was like… this character acts submissively and is implied to have been the victim of sexual violence. Um

[secondpersonpov]

Ugh ok I called sick and I’m going home now. After sped ign most of the day getting basically nothing done and probably humiliating myself in front of my coworkers who could probably tell I was trying hide having a breakdown

[secondpersonpov]

Goddddd this is so embarrassing what if I killed myself on the bus home

[secondpersonpov]

Ugh ok I called sick and I’m going home now. After sped ign most of the day getting basically nothing done and probably humiliating myself in front of my coworkers who could probably tell I was trying hide having a breakdown

[secondpersonpov]

I am like. having a breakdown about Remi right now and I’m kind of thinking maybe I should ask to go home from work but I also don’t think anything will be different at home except that I can stop trying to hide that I keep breaking down crying

[secondpersonpov]

It is soooo fucking humiliating to be doing this oh my god I know my coworker can tell I’ve been crying and is just awkwardly not bringing it up

[secondpersonpov]

I am like. having a breakdown about Remi right now and I’m kind of thinking maybe I should ask to go home from work but I also don’t think anything will be different at home except that I can stop trying to hide that I keep breaking down crying

[secondpersonpov]

I’m just getting more and more worried I made the wrong choice not to try surgery with Remi maybe it would have been fine maybe she could have had another year. But I’ll never it’s too late to try that now her tumor has grown so much and she’s obviously getting tired. I think I only have weeks left with her if that

[secondpersonpov]

I feel so horrible about it it feels like I failed her. I was hoping she’d at least live to a year and a half

[secondpersonpov]

I’m just getting more and more worried I made the wrong choice not to try surgery with Remi maybe it would have been fine maybe she could have had another year. But I’ll never it’s too late to try that now her tumor has grown so much and she’s obviously getting tired. I think I only have weeks left with her if that

[secondpersonpov]

Once again my struggle to try to form a concrete understanding of how gender works and to try to situate myself within it is being foiled by my inability to read the minds of everyone around me to understand how their gender works

[secondpersonpov]

Like once you start questioning whether the idea of a “man” and “woman” are categories that actually have any merit or material basis outside of constructing patriarchy everything gets so ??????? Trying to talk to people with a firm concept of their gender like ok so did you get your gender bc this is the way that works best navigating a world where we happen to have come up with this insane binary or bc you have some sort of Immutable Spark of Gender within you that we based the whole binary thing on in the first place. And then you talk to a cis person and they’re like. “I think men and woman have completely different brains” and it’s like ok god. right i forgot we were starting here

[secondpersonpov]

Once again my struggle to try to form a concrete understanding of how gender works and to try to situate myself within it is being foiled by my inability to read the minds of everyone around me to understand how their gender works

[secondpersonpov]

Anyone else feeling absolutely insane lately

[secondpersonpov]

I NEVER LEAAARN

[secondpersonpov]

Anyone else feeling absolutely insane lately