When I made this blog, my aim was to post every day - little by little - a reflection of what I'd been working on, the things I was discovering - poetry and art and articles and research. I wanted to really try to reflect on what I was doing and document it well - a practice that had sort of eluded me during Srishti classes.
I think I was slowly coming to realise (despite my aversion from the word) that the way I was working was a bit like an artist. I didn't really understand that I could document things 'artistically' - I always felt like a bit of a hack doing that. I didn't know artistic research was a thing. I just figured I worked instinctually and was too inept to do things like the people around me - with their structured and sensible design processes. It was something that caused me a lot of pain - why am I not able to do things like others? Why do I resist it so much? Was I just lazy? Perhaps.
Another thing - I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, something which has put so much of my college experience into perspective. Why I was never able to follow timelines, finish things methodically like others, either work very intuitively in a 'flow' or get so overwhelmed and burned out by simple tasks that I would end up dropping classes. I couldn't figure out why I was so different from others, why I couldn't just stick to things. So many unfinished projects and spoken words. So many fears and insecurities piled up because of this.
I mention this because it's another reason this blog was important to me. I wanted to create a space for me to work slowly through something, little day by day. I wanted to be mindful of the way I worked. That what I thought had value, that I had an ability to reflect and write about the things that mattered to me. That even when things are hard, there are ways of working through it.
We have about a month left to go for this project. I've barely been able to put together a single post. From abruptly being moved home with half my belongings in my PG in Yelahanka, to getting covid, to recovery to a few weeks of feeling very hopeless - every time I started to open this blog to make a post I figured - what's the point? I feel like I have nothing to say (even though I know I have much to say, and then it will pain me that I never took the time to sit and do it) and with a month left, what's the point of starting now.
I guess I am making this post to remember a few things
1) this is not about a project. it is about you and trying to create a habit. you don't have a 'month' left - you have the rest of your life.
2) i like writing. i am a writer. i haven't practiced or written much in a while but i've always felt that it was my first way of communicating with the world. I want to rekindle my passion of words, exploring how i can give life to a place with these words. get creative with writing - even if i think i've forgotten how to.
3) to put my 'all over the place' brain at ease, and instead of screenshotting inspiration and thinking of all the things to do - just take the extra effort of writing it down here, thinking through writing is a process - I remember someone saying this.
4) even if it is awful and horrible, you must post once a day. just try it. see what happens.
5) finding the reasons for 'why' this project - those moments that hit you so strongly and remind you of exactly why i wanted to do this. articulate it - i've wanted to talk about my very strange and unique experience/connection to nature in bangalore for a while. and i cannot seem to find the words. that's okay. try anyway.
i sign off with this first post on my blog. And hope to write a little, every day.
Tonight I will work on the following:
A writing exercise that was once given to me by an old faculty - when i spoke about how sick i was of my first person POV writing style, I felt it was very navel gazey. he told me to write 500 words about a tree. i knew the tree i was going to write about. and then i never wrote it.
haha, that little imagery and the title 'where the sidewalk ends' inspires me - a little imagery of where the sidewalk ends in yelahanka, where the park ends and the swamp reigns free. a little nursery of poems for strange creatures and trees in yelahanka! beautiful :)
I will read some poetry tonight before sleeping, I think.
- a children's poetry book in my room. they are always so playful and whimsical.
- nature poetry on poetryfoundation perhaps