Secret Hunger

[secrethungerofmine]

Heartbreaking Pain ...

I always asked ... Are you sure? He kept reassuring me. I can’t help but think I’ve lost my will for everything. To smile. To laugh. To be loved ...

He brought me here only to be cruel. To break me in to pieces and wonder if I am worth it. To wonder if I can ever be loved. He broke my spirit. He broke my heart.

I loved him so much and I can’t understand this pain. I thought I’d hurt before ... this is a hurt like no other.

I hurt that I want to make disappear ... forever.

I don’t know what to do ... how to not feel the pain ... how to go back and remove the knowledge of him at all.

I need someone to hold me ... tell me I am ok and worthy of real love and that even though I can’t feel anything but numbness, that one day, the sun will shine, my life will be back on track and that the feeling I have right now, will never be anything more than a memory that needs erasing.

I beg that I don’t have to be alone tonight ... 

[secrethungerofmine]

2021 was the year I dreamed of and the year I was terrified of. I go to bed tonight, hoping that my dream of his love isn’t gone forever and that one day, he’ll remember the good times and let them take flight once again.

2022 is now here, a few minutes old … a year that I can only dream will give me calm, healing and love … whatever it may look like.

You’ve got you baby … you are the only one to make you smile for a while. Keep your head in the right place and know you’ll heal over time … and I hope he does as well. Because everyone deserves to feel how we did … for a while …

[secrethungerofmine]

The undoing for everything I’ve done is not something I can comprehend.

one step at a time. Breathe and know you’ll be ok.

he destroyed you … and says not a word.

he isn’t the one for you … it’s ok to be alone … maybe that’s what you deserve

breathe deeply and know you’ll be ok.

[secrethungerofmine]

He didn’t fight for me ... He didn’t love me when he could ... He took me for granted ... He looked at others ... He broke my trust ... He broke my heart ...

It’s hard to find someone who’ll love you no matter what.

Just breathe baby.

You’ve got you.

[secrethungerofmine]

Sadness is no longer something I dream about. Sadness is encompassing every part of my being.

not taking the car, when let’s face it, is sitting unused for 13 hrs straight, seems restrictive and controlling.

I feel powerless to do right anymore.

every attempt to try is met with anger and frustration.

I am stuck in a world of nobody and expected to just smile.

I hate my life right now.

[secrethungerofmine]

the sad truth is that I try so hard to please him and make him smile, and the lack of thanks baby is what makes my heart break in half.

keep breathing baby. You’ve got you.

[secrethungerofmine]

I discovered another woman ... I held it in until I was sure. Then I asked. He lied.

He promised he would be honest.

He lied.

You are the most important person. You are the only one who will keep you together.

You are strong enough to walk away. Pick the right moment baby girl. You’ve got this.

You have you.

[secrethungerofmine]

Bitch …

oh, you finally called me that.

forgive me for all the dinners, drinks, entertaining of your friends.

home … it’s so far away. loving myself has never been so critical.

just in case I forget to breathe.

[secrethungerofmine]

Sometimes just a cuddle and someone telling you they’ve got you, and they’ll help you out of the other side is all you are craving.

Holding your head high … making sure you land on your feet … hugging yourself and knowing that you’ve got to be there to look after yourself is the only thing you can hold on to.

Breathe … it’s the only thing holding you together right now.

Every other bone in your being is ready to give up and fall apart.

Do you think he’ll hold you and keep you safe?

[secrethungerofmine]

How do you know if it’s your heart breaking or your heart failing.

if only guesses were free and outcomes didn’t make a part of you die.

[secrethungerofmine]

You wished for years and years … you should have known that loving yourself was the only thing you needed to keep you safe.

Now you’re here … a million miles from anything closely resembling love, and all you can think to do, is smile, forget the pain that’s crushing your soul, and quietly plan to make changes to go back to the life you loved. It will be different. You’re never going to be that person again.

Remember that as you smile on the outside for the rest of time.

he won’t come after you. He was never going to.

look after yourself bright eyes … you’re the only one who is going to.

[secrethungerofmine]

I’ve always charted my own path. Made sure I had what I needed to keep my head above water.  This is new territory. In the space of 6 months, I find myself looking for a new job, just to make sure I can go back to the city I love, the friends who are my people, and to resume being me again. What if there isn’t anything ... I’ll just have to keep being my own support, until such a time presents itself. Life was so much easier than it is now. I am making a list ...  1) Secure new role 2) Book flights 3) Find a new home to make me feel safe 4) Get a new car All of these things I can do ... but once again, I’ve found myself being the only one to be doing all the things. One foot in front of the other is all I can do right now. Because if I don’t, I’ll fall. Without having anyone to pick me up, falling is the worst thing I can do.

[secrethungerofmine]

Giving Up

He gave up tonight ... the proverbial throw out ... you have 45 days ... your clock is ticking. Rebuild everything you gave up. Go.

[secrethungerofmine]

I waited all day to spend time with you. to have a drink with you. And you went to lay down. Sometimes loneliness is just too damn hard to even comprehend.

[secrethungerofmine]

A whole day alone … that leads in to an evening alone … this is my life now. Alone.

[secrethungerofmine]

The nights are the darkest. Alone, with nobody to call upon to reassure me that tomorrow, the sun will rise.

I was thrown out tonight … leave …

How long is it until I can own me … and leave for good.

he knows I can’t. My career is what keeps me (and him if he cared to believe), afloat.

I am more alone than I think I even anticipate.

[secrethungerofmine]

It’s been a few days of reckoning … admitting that putting a time limit on my days here will help quell my sadness.

Tonight I decided to stop fighting. Stop challenging. Stop coming back for me. To take his words, listen, admit defeat, and close my eyes to another argument.

I have to try and stop the hurt, albeit just take the jabs to put a pause on things, because I don’t know how to fight any longer.

I am sad. I am no longer who I used to be. I struggle to put one foot in front of the other most days.