Honesty from a Broken Human

Sorry about the pessimism.

[secretinnuendos]

Death licks us individually

I was painting your face. As if for Halloween; it felt so real and fun, as if we were together again. You were wearing a purple suit and dressing up as joker. We were chatting, I though and said ‘you look really good’.👻😈🧟‍♀️

But somehow I knew you were gone. I asked if it was nice up there and you said ‘no’. I asked ‘why’ and you couldn’t quite explain and you have mentioned that ‘death licks us individually. Not at the same time. Individually.’

It was such an experience; it felt so like you, rather than dream you. We hugged too. My mind wants to believe that is was more than a dream but who can know for sure.

Could my subconscious come up with something that is profound? Is it even that profund? Or just worded in an iteresting way.

What did it meant to mean? Like, loneliness? You die so alone and you feel alone for ever and that’s why it’s not very nice?

[secretinnuendos]

If only you were still here

I would have some fucking funny news to share with you. I would literally go to your room or call you and tell you right now at half past 1 at night. I wouldn’t care if you’re asleep because that’s how funny it is. But you’re not here so this has to be enough. And my imagination.

Only I can’t come up with anything as funny because only you had such a quirky, unique sense of humour. Extremely hilarious may I add.

Fuck. I miss you so much. If there was a way…

I mean the news don’t mean shit if I can’t share them with you.

Btw it’s my ‘friend’ from bus and I found him on Facebook by total accident. That’s the news. Banter.

[secretinnuendos]

Here I am again

Came back to spill some. God re-reading theses post feels pathetic. I usually look down on people who complain like this; but I guess deep in my heart I am one of them. I just don’t share it with others. Thinking about this, was I always so secretive and closed off?

Did it worsen or begin when he died?

Recently I have been feeling so incredibly sad again. I do think this is the worst I have ever felt. I think. About everything.

[secretinnuendos]

If I'm so smart why do I always make bad decisions

Blah I hate this place. So small and no privacy. I feel so bad. AND I CHOSE THIS. bajsnbdjsknsnjsije

[secretinnuendos]

I am so sad. Night means paranoia for me.

3am my cat is still not here. Probably scared of fireworks hidden somewhere but it always stresses me out.

You're grinding your teeth and it's so annoying! Not as bad as before but whenever you do it, it drives me mad.

I am thinking of you, you fucker. Not even sure why, probably to boost my ego?? Who knows. I'm not in touch with my feelings. Clearly.

I also feel anxious hearing every sound.

I feel so sad. Always missing you. Always fearing death.

And no one will ever understand. This is destiny. I am waiting for everyone I love to die and for people to never understand. And to never understand anyone's pain.

Damaged.

[secretinnuendos]

[secretinnuendos]

3

P e e p s h o w

[secretinnuendos]

2

Spirited away

I really like Harry Potter films

Hunger games was good

[secretinnuendos]

1

ATM it's 'your fine petting duck' by devendra banhart

[secretinnuendos]

The 30-Day Tumblr Challenge

Day 01 — Your favorite song Day 02 — Your favorite movie Day 03 — Your favorite television program Day 04 — Your favorite book Day 05 — Your favorite quote Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad Day 09 — A photo you took Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 13 — A fictional book Day 14 — A non-fictional book Day 15 — A fanfic Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly) Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 19 — A talent of yours Day 20 — A hobby of yours Day 21 — A recipe Day 22 — A website Day 23 — A YouTube video Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 25 — Your day, in great detail Day 26 — Your week, in great detail Day 27 — This month, in great detail Day 28 — This year, in great detail Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

[secretinnuendos]

You're so heavy in my heart

Orr it feels heavy. All my life is pretend and I am living in a 'fantasy' world. But what's better? Is there better? Is being like him better than fantasy and distraction? I don't know. There just isn't a good option.

You still keep keep me up at night.

My sweet little bro.

[secretinnuendos]

A feeling

Someone care to explain? I get this feeling now more than usual: it's almost like nostalgia but I am missing something from the past as if it happened but it didn't happen. The feeling is created usually trough hearing a nostalgic-like teenagy song or looking at nice neighbourhood during nice weather... I can't even explain what it is that brings it up. It's comforting but at the same time sad and makes me feel like either a) I am in my fantasy world where this is real and I'm in there now. As if I have someone else's life. B) or remembering things that never happened. How can I miss something that was not part of life in first place? What is this weird phenomena...

[jarrodis-deactivated20181204]

I am eternally, devastatingly romantic, and I thought people would see it because ‘romantic’ doesn’t mean ‘sugary.’ It’s dark and tormented — the furor of passion, the despair of an idealism that you can’t attain.

Catherine Breillat (via gloomo)

[secretinnuendos]

[secretinnuendos]

I wanna scream and give up

This no quote just what I'm thinking

[secretinnuendos]

It's like I'm growing a beast inside of me and it's made of unexpressed emotions

I do feel like everything is just suffocating me. This anger is so deep within me so I seem fine but in weirdest moments I get completely consumed by it and react to small issues in an inappropriate way. I feel sometimes I treat him like punching bag :( I have always criticised him in my head so hard and now I know how to be him. When I always promised myself I'll be different. Some things are just inevitable I guess. I get angry because someone was emotional in from of me. I get angry for her hanging with me ONLY when I'm alone. It's like I don't get time for myself. EVER. Always in this deep suffocation. I probably get private time in showers. Lovely. Why can't she come when he's there? What, is he just diseased or something? I can't take all this anger. How Am I Meant To Deal With This Shit. When everyone else is exploring themselves and living in their opinion shitty, hard lives I constantly walk on pins. Never have private time. Filled with this monster shit emotions. When I cry I do so in a way that allows me to stop within seconds. What kind of bullshit is this. I can't even dress like a normal person l. I HAVE TO HIDE BEHIND FUCKING WARDROBE DOORS. My heart hurts. Physically. And nooone knows how i feel. I can't express this 😒

[kinhelping]

am i void, space or glitch kin?

Ko says space.