Based on the fic Fratenal Familial Fixation in which Ford may or may not be contemplating villainy, Stan definitely knocked out a guy's teeth and put him in hospital, and misogyny is no-one's friend.
Story contains pining, sex scenes, a dash of angst, and now - thanks to an anonymous muse - I'm apparenlty doing illustrations....?
ok i know typically dipper’s seen as the morty to ford’s rick but also consider: citadel-style society consisting exclusively of stans and fords. thank you
A young Soos Ramirez stood in the back of a supply closet, clutching the magic eight-ball he'd found close to his chest. The big staff shirt hung off him like a dress, but Soos didn't care. It was one of his most prized possessions. It showed everyone that he worked for Mr. Mystery himself. The man taught him everything he knew. He didn't even fire Soos when he got confused or forgot something or broke something by accident.
He'd only worked at The Mystery Shack for a few months, but he'd already outlasted most of the folks that signed up to work there. His Abuelita told him that showed he was reliable. A valuable asset to his boss. Someone who could be depended on. And that was really important to Soos, especially if he had any hopes of marrying Mr. Pines when he grew up.
It had to be fate that he'd found the fortune teller at work that day.
“Will me and Mr. Pines fall in love and get married?”
Then, he shook it with all his might, eyes screwed shut with effort before he quickly popped them back open, holding the back of the ball up close and waiting with bated breath for his fortune to appear. The blue die bobbed into view in the middle of an inky black sea.
REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN.
Soos stuck out his lip. Maybe he hadn't concentrated hard enough?
He screwed his eyes shut, trying to think as hard as he could about him growing up and getting married to Mr. Pines one day. Hopefully. He needed to know.
Opening his eyes back up, he stared back down at the blue triangle, mocking him, and took a deep breath.
“Please, I gotta know, are me and Mr. Pines gonna fall in love?”
He shook with everything he had, so hard that his arms started to ache. He couldn't bring himself to look at first, hoping with all his heart that it'd answer with an affirmative. He peered one eye open.
BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.
Oh, come on! What better time than now? Maybe he was wording it wrong?
“Will–”
“Soos! What in the heck is takin’ so long?”
The door slammed open and Soos all but leapt into the air, letting out a sudden cry. An imposing, shadowy figure stood suddenly in the middle of the doorway, eclipsing the light shining from outside the hallway.
Mr. Mystery.
Startled, the eight-ball fell from his hands. He stepped forward, arms rocketing out to catch it, only for his foot to make contact and send it skittering across the floor. The ball slowed its roll until it gently bumped against the man’s shoes.
Soos watched in silence as the man’s eyes darted down, tilting his head as he took in the sight before him. Recognition lit up in his eyes and he chuckled softly. Mr. Pines let out a soft grunt of effort as he bent down and scooped the eight ball into one hand, lifting it up to inspect.
“So that's where it went,” Mr. Pines stepped further into the closet, allowing Soos to see him better. “Whaddaya still doin’ in here, kid?”
Soos averted his eyes, seeming to find focusing on his hands to be far more interesting. “I'm sorry, Mr. Pines, I didn't mean to. I mean, I– I was looking for what you told me to get, but then I found that, and then I forgot what you wanted me to find, so I started playing with that instead ‘cause I wanted to know my future and–”
“The snowglobes, Soos,” he said sternly. ”I wanted you to bring some out front. And just bring the whole box out, don't just take a bunch in your arms. You remember what happened last time.”
Soos nodded. He did. It was so embarrassing. He could still see all the snowglobes go crashing to the floor as glass and glittery water and mini-Mystery Shacks went everywhere. He was sure Mr. Mystery would be angry at him. Fire him, even. But, he was more worried than anything, sitting Soos down and making sure he didn't have any cuts anywhere. Just the memory of it made Soos’ stomach fill up with butterflies.
“Here,” Mr. Pines spoke up again, bringing Soos back to the present. He served the ball underhand and it sailed over to hit Soos softly in the chest and fall into his open palms. “Trying to tell your future, huh?”
“Mm-hm,” he trailed his eyes over the figure eight staring up at him. “I wanna make sure what I want to happen comes true.”
He heard heard the steady footfalls of the older man's approach before Mr. Pines leaned down, wrapping a large arm around his shoulder. Soos leaned in. Mr. Pines smelled of cologne and leather and kinda like smoke. And Soos knew cigarettes were bad for you, but for some reason, he sorta liked how Mr. Mystery smelt like them.
“Listen, kid, you want some advice?”
A small gasp escaped the boy as he looked up and nodded furiously. Any chance for him to absorb the wise words of Mr. Mystery was not one to be taken lightly.
Mr. Mystery set his big hand down on the eight ball in Soos’ hands. If the boy thought about it hard enough, it was almost like they were holding hands. He stared into his mentor’s face, hanging onto every word.
“Ya can't just sit around wondering if things are gonna happen to ya. Any schmuck can sit around on their behind, hoping that what they want is gonna happen. But ya got make your own luck. If you see the life ya wanna live, ya gotta take it. You get what I'm trying to say?”
Soos nodded like a bobblehead on the dashboard of a particularly terrible driver. Oh, he read Mr. Pines loud and clear.
Mr. Pines gave him a soft smile, one Soos was proud to say he'd only seen on his face when he looked at Soos. Then, they parted and Mr. Mystery was walking back into the hall. Before he disappeared from view, the man shot him one last glance.
“Remember, Soos. The snowglobes. I better see you out there restocking when I'm done with this next tour.”
“Aye, aye, captain!”
And with that, Soos was alone again.
He looked down at the magic eight-ball once again. With renewed vigor, he flipped it over to face the fortune, still reading the same as before. But he knew better now, he had to make his own destiny.
“One day, Mr. Pines and me will be in love. And it'll be so awesome.”
He didn't even need to close his eyes before his future was revealed. He already knew tje outcome, of course. And his smile only brightened as he read his fortune.
Just PRETEND bill has his eye scar in these drawings. I was way too tired to be bothered (or to remember).
Drawing this made me imagine this whole thing breaching containment and becoming the next zootopia abortion comic. It's just that stupid. "I'm pro choice" ford is going to be screenshotted and shared without context and I am not ready
I hesitated making him even say that, but the more I thought about it, the funnier it was to me. He said I will NOT hesitate to kill your baby. Fuck you
WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL HOURS OF THE PENULTIMATE BATTLE!! Will Ford finally get pregnant??? Will their lovechild come into existence and walk the Earth?????? YOU DECIDE!!!!
stan still breaks fords project (accident still) but instead of being thrown out filbrick decides to marry her off for money. ford is horrified of this but doesn't know how to articulate it bc he's still beyond pissed and betrayed his sister would ruin his life. (and also he's a teenager too, not much he could do) Cue random men coming to the shop and talking to filbrick/taking stan out on "trial dates". the men are most notably significantly older than stan. ford watches her leave with them, utterly fuming but relieved when they come back and the men decline the arranged marriage proposal.
filbrick is getting fed up by no one wanting stan and says the next person to come in the store can just have her bc she's too much of a hassle. (stan also feels undesired and worthless despite her own protests of being treated this way) ford wonders if he runs out and back in if their father would hand stan over to him or if them being siblings would make the so-called deal void.
he doesn't get the chance to try it because a tall imposing man in a trench coat of all things walks into the store and heads straight to the counter. the man and filbrick chat briefly before the man steps over to stan. he tells her in a weirdly familiar voice to pack her bags and that she's going home with him.
of course stan is scared. she doesn't know this strange man and doesn't want to leave the safety and comfort of her family home. maybe she tried pleading with filbrick or caryn or hell even ford as she tearfully packs her things. no one stops her. caryn tries to comfort her by saying the man looks nice, that she'll be taken care of. but how could she know? stan might be murdered or whored out by her supposed new husband and no one would even care.
stan leaves with the man, trying not to show how scared she is. ford watches them leave in the man's car, gut churning with fear and jealousy and rage. this might be the last time he sees his twin and its her fault they can't even have a tender goodbye.
the man introduces himself as Hal Forester and does his best to put stan at ease. he explains that he won't touch her unless she asks, that yes, he finds her attractive but they should get to know each other before anything happens. he claims he's "old school" like that. weirdly enough it does help stan calm down. the man's awkward but sincere demeanor kind of reminds her of her brother...
Stan not understanding herself and being so bitterly jealous of the way her sister gets to act/be. feeling suffocated by the standards put on Stan bc of her assumed gender. never measuring up to her sister no matter how hard she tries, no matter how manly she is. probably some misogyny there too bc how is a girl surpassing a man? isn't it a man's job to be smart, strong, and providing security (via money, job, etc)? what is Stan if she isn't any of that but her twin sister is?
eventually the jealousy builds up to dangerous levels. Stan doesn't want to hate Ford but with everything happening it's hard not to. how come she gets to go to college? how come she gets to make the decision that their dream of sailing is over? without even a word of discussion? how comes she gets to go off and be an amazing successful woman while Stan is stuck being the worse man on the planet?
maybe there's a little more purpose in knocking the table with Ford's science project. maybe Stan leaves voluntarily before Ford gets rejected and everyone just assumes Stan did it on purpose bc 'he' ran away. the evidence is still there just no explanation no half assed answer. nothing but a gapping hole where Stan used to be.
Ford forces herself to accept her 'brother' is this horrible man, jealous of women and unable to handle others success. sure, there's a nagging thought that something else must have spurred her 'brother' on. 'he'd' been acting strange and stand-off ish for years. flip flopping between happy and angry. more hormonal than any girl Ford's ever met. but reminiscing on her twin doesn't do her any good.
she hunkers down and graduates early with 12 phds. "one for each finger!" the ghost of her best friend chirps, young and innocent, a time before they were pitted against each other. she figures out in college that she's exclusively attracted to women. Fiddleford and Ford have a couple flings, nothing serious since Fidds is determined to marry a man once she graduates (religious expectations etc). but Ford also knows that loving women as one herself is dangerous, adds yet another layer of freak to her already tall stack.
is she really a lesbian if she always found her twin 'brother' attractive? if she jerked off to the idea of them in carnal embrace? is she gay if she still has fantasies of Stan scooping her up and holding her in 'his' large arms?
it all gets shoved aside when Ford gets her grant to study anomalies in Gravity Falls. the little town is wonderful, the woods full of everything she needs. talking to the town's people is awkward and uncomfortable since she's not great with socialization (that had been Stan's job) but she's carving a place for herself with her own hands. her own hard work. blood sweat and tears going into her research. she's getting frustrated by the wall she's hitting but before she can find the cave with Bill's summoning instructions on it, she gets a call.
at first Ford thinks it will be like all the others. the same prank caller trying to rattle her by not speaking. but this time there's noise. there's gasping desperate sobs. her 'brother' croaks through the line that 'he' doesn't want to be buried a man, begging her to not let them put 'him' in the ground wrong.
of course Ford is caught off guard and rightfully confused/worried/upset. she tries getting Stan to explain what 'he' just said, explain why 'he' did what 'he' must have to her project, but 'he' hangs up once she starts raising her voice. she slams the phone down with a torrent of emotions growing heavy in her stomach.
why did it sound like her 'brother' was begging not to die? was 'his' voice slurred and wet or was that Ford's panicked mind making up details? she's never heard her 'brother' cry before. she never wants to again.
days go by. her phone remains silent. the more time passes the more Ford gets enraged. this must have been a trick to get her to obsess over Stan again, put her back in her teenage self's shoes. when the phone rings she leaps across the desk to hiss into it, nearly giving her Ma a heart attack.
Ford makes small talk, embarrassed she let her emotions get the better of her, but also can't help asking Ma if she's heard from Stan. Ma is silent. she knows something but it's obvious she's not sure if she should share it. eventually she begrudgingly admits to seeing Stan on TV, some commercial for a non-rash giving band-aid. a scam advertisement. further proof that 'he' is a liar, unable to make an honest living for 'himself'.
vindicated by her assessment, Ford resolves to not think about her twin ever again. 'his' true colors are there for everyone to see. except a few weeks later a familiar red diablo pulls up to her house, custom plates hanging on for dear life. and out steps Stan. 'he' no longer looks like her 'brother'.
shaggy mullet and baggy clothes. eyes so sunken in 'he' looks like a ghost. 'he' stands by his car and Ford stays on the porch. neither of them willing to bridge the gap. in a voice rough and deep and shockingly gravelly, Stan asks for her help.
something about the way 'he' says it gets Ford to take it seriously. honestly it looks like a strong wind would knock Stan over. and there's a undercurrent of sick glee. Stan, the man who couldn't let his more successful sister thrive, is here asking her to provide, asking her to take care of 'him'.
Ford agrees, if only to put her twin in 'his' place once and for all. this of course will go completely smoothly with no bumps or emotional conflicts at all! :))
If they got caught, Stan and Ford only had themselves to blame for their niblings’ behavior. This is what they get for sneaking a smooch when the younger twins were spying on them.
It was a wonder how Mabel managed to shove all of her hair into Stan's fez, giving her more of a boyish look. A pair of prop glasses set on the bridge of her nose, and an eye patch was slapped onto one lense. They'd managed to dig out an old suit from the attic's closet. It didn't look like Stan's exactly, but it was a close enough copy. It was big on Mabel, though, and she kept using the opportunity to slap at Dipper with her baggy sleeves.
Dipper, however, was drowning in Ford's coat. He was sure he could return it by the time Ford awoke. It wasn't like they'd be doing this for a while. It'd just be real quick. Mabel had popped out the lenses of a pair of her sunglasses, now functioning as a replacement of their great uncle's specks. Dipper had taken off his hat, allowing Mabel to fluff up his curls just right.
They took each other's hands, nervous and giddy smiles on their faces. If they were blushing, it was only because they were really getting into the roles. They were just playing pretend. They were playing a game. Neither had spoken of or discussed any rules or goals for this game, sure, but it was a game nonetheless. It didn't mean anything. It was just for fun.
Staring into his sister’s face, he thought for a moment how Mabel looked just as cute as a younger version of Stan had in Ford's photo albums. And Mabel noted that with his mussed up hair and glasses, Dipper looked just as handsome as Grunkle Ford.
Faces burning red, the both of them leaned in for a kiss.
update: we all know headhunters as the stancest projection episode but i need everyone to appreciate the moment when Mabel looks at Stan in his underpants, goes all starry-eyed, and then makes a perfect wax replica without even a second reference.
The girl who is unashamedly weird about everything would absolutely get super weird about her uncle. She thinks she likes the cookie cutter handsome boys in magazines until Stan starts with the constant pet names and she's like nevermind. Forget the boys. How can I get more of this??
Mabel wants to be wanted by someone else (I mean who can really blame her?) so of course she gravitates to the person who showers her with the most affection.
- Calls her loving pet names
- Encourages her hobbies (you know damn well he’s taken her to the art and craft store in town multiple times in a single week before)
- Let’s her keeps her pet even though he hated him at first (bro punched a dinosaur for waddles and was super upset when he thought Mabel was never going to talk to him again)
- Lets her friends hang out at the shack and have girl nights
- Encourages her weirdness (he’s Mr. Mystery! Why wouldn’t he love everything weird!)
Mabel has a crush on her Grunkle Stan cause he treats her better than any boy her age ever could!
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