All I can say is… Please don’t hate me
“Get away from me,” Maya spat out angrily, ripping her arm away from her boyfriend, Alex. “I can’t- just get out and take your stuff.”
“Maya, it was an accident!” Alex pleaded, reaching out of touch her arm again but she pulled it away quickly and glared at him. “She didn’t mean anything to me.”
“It was an accident that you cheated on me?” Maya snarls, fighting the erge to cry in front of him. She would not let him see her break. “Grab a bag and put as much stuff as you can in it and get out or I am calling the police.”
Alex’s shoulder slouch in defeat. “Okay,” he finally says after awhile. “I’ll send David over tomorrow to grab the rest of my stuff.” He disappears into the bedroom. Maya watches him go and then locks herself in the bathroom, not letting the tears fall until she can hear the click of the front door and that’s when she falls to the ground broken.
“Three months,” Josh repeated out loud as he walked down the crowded streets of New York, the people walking by seemed to be in a blur as Josh stared straight ahead. He reached his apartment and opened the door the smell of dinner meeting him.
“Josh, is that you?” Anna calls out, she smiles when she sees him enter the kitchen. “How was work?”
Josh ignores the questions and blurts, “I think we should break up,” each word breaking his heart a little more.
Anna’s face falls and she searches his face for a sign that he’s joking. “But- why? We just got this place together. Did I do something?” she asks frantically, moving over to him and reaching out for him. He takes a step back and looks down at the ground. She didn’t do anything, he was doing this for her protection.
“Anna, please, just don’t fight me on this,” he says, his voice cracking.
Anna nods slowly and then turns on her heel and goes into the bedroom silently. Josh walks over to the counter and bangs his fist onto it angrily. Why was this happening to him? He didn’t want to hurt her.
“Dinners in the oven. I hope you have a good life,” Anna says, when she emerged from the bedroom wheeling two suitcases. “I’ll have my sister pick up the rest sometime this week.” That’s the last thing she said before leaving. He could hear her crying down the hall.
He swore under his breath feeling horrible about this. Better she got over it now then later. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the black box holding the engagement ring. He was planning to propose that night. He set it on the counter and walked into the bedroom silently, the pain numbing him completely.
“You promised me you could babysit tonight!” Maya says, as she frantically walks around her apartment trying to get ready to go. She had a very important interview tonight to work at a local art museum.
“I know, I am sorry, but Ricky-,” Maya rolls her eyes when her best friend mentions her joke of a boyfriend. “got us on a list for this new club tonight. You know he could add you if you wanna go!”
“I can’t, Cassie! I have an interview! You promised me you could come tonight and watch her!” Maya says, sitting down on the couch.
“Why can’t Alex? He doesn’t work tonight,” Cassie says, Maya can hear the snap of her bubble gum which makes her want to strangle Cassie.
“I haven’t heard from Alex since I’ve kicked him out. He obviously doesn’t want a relationship with his daughter,” Maya snaps. “Nevermind, have fun.” she hangs up the phone without another word. “I guess I am not going tonight.”
“Momma?” Lee, her daughter, asks crawling onto Maya’s lap.” Are you sad?”
Maya smiles down at her daughter. “Of course not, I’ve got you.” she says, “Why don’t you go pick out a movie for us to watch? Make it a good one, okay?”
“Okay mommy!” Lee cheers, running over to the shelf with the DVDs. Maya scrolls through her phone until she gets to a contact she hasn’t used in forever. She pauses and takes a deep breath before clicking call.
“Maya? Are you okay?” the voice of her old best friend makes her sigh in relief. She can hear the worry laced in her friends voice.
“Riley, I need your help. Can you come over?” Maya asks, but the pleading in her voice makes her cringe.
“Of course, I’ll be there soon,” Riley says, before hanging up. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and Maya rushes over to answer it.
“Hey,” Maya says, when she sees Riley standing there. “Thank you so much for coming.”
“I am glad I could help. I haven’t seen your daughter since-,” Riley stops talking and bites her lip. They both knew she didn’t need to finish that sentence. They hadn’t spoken since Maya found out about being pregnant. Maya thought she should marry Alex so Lee could have a father figure and Riley thought it was a bad idea. Riley was right, Maya thought.
“She’s in the living room,” Maya says, leading her into the room. Lee was sitting on the couch, playing with her dolls.
“Are you ready to watch a movie?” she asks in her sweet baby voice.
“She looks just like you,” Riley says with a smile as she sits down next to Lee. “Hi! My names Riley! I am going to hang out with you while your mom goes to work, is that okay?”
“Riley? My names Riley! But Momma calls me Lee for short!” Lee says, with a smile. Riley looks up at me in shock.
“Um, there’s food in the fridge if your hungry. Lee has already ate,” Maya says quickly. “I should get going. Thank you again.”
“Maya, really, I am glad to help. No need to keep thanking me,” Riley says, with a comforting smile.
“Family! I didn’t feel like driving all the way to my apartment so I am crashing here!” His niece yells as she walks into the Matthews apartment, the one that used to hold so many good memories. Now going to be filled with bad ones, thanks to him. She stops when she sees him and her parents sitting on the couch. “Josh? Why are you here.”
“He came over because-,” Topanga says, but her voice cracks and she quickly rushes out of the room.
“What’s going on?” Riley asks, worried as she takes Topangas place on the couch. Josh frowns and looks down at the ground. He’s already broken to many peoples hearts tonight, he couldn’t tell his niece. Not yet, at least.
“Your mom’s allergies have just been acting up,” Cory says quickly and Josh sends him a smile in appreciation. “So why were you all the way over here?”
“Oh, someone asked me to babysit tonight and I couldn’t turn it down,” she says, sending a look over at Josh. Even though Josh was looking down he could see the look. “I am beat so I am going to go to bed.”
He watched as she got up and went to go to her childhood room. “There’s nothing you can do?” Cory asks, finally. Josh simply shakes his head.
“If you don’t mind, I think I am just going to use the bathroom and then crash here,” he says to his brother who nods. He gets up and makes his way down the hallway but passes the bathroom and goes into his nieces room. She was sitting on the bay window deep in thought. “You haven’t sat there in awhile.”
Riley looks up at her uncle in surprise. “Yeah, it’s been awhile. It feels right,” she says.
“Were you babysitting for her?” Josh asks, sitting down next to her. He knew that he didn’t need to say her name fore Riley to get it.
“Yes,” Riley states, not giving anymore information. She was going to make him work for it.
“Was she okay?” he asks, promising himself that that would be the last thing he asked. He didn’t need anymore heartbreak today.
“She’s doing well, not great but good.” Riley says, and then says what he’s been wondering for months. “She’s not with him anymore. He cheated on her.”
Life was looking up. She got the job and her and Riley were repairing their friendship. She was actually on her way to the Matthews for dinner. She looked in the mirror as she pulled down her dress. It was a simple burgundy gown that flowed to her knees. She paired it was a jean jacket and black boots.
“Bye mommy!” Lee says, when Maya entered the kitchen. She was sitting at the kitchen table coloring with a girl across the street who Maya hired to babysit Lee.
“Bye sweetie! Call me if anything happens, okay?” she says to Caroline.
“You go it, Ms Hart! By the way you look amazing!” Caroline says with a smile.
“Maya! It’s so good to see you!” Topanga says pulling her into a hug. “I’ve missed you so much. How are you?”
“I am great,” Maya smiled, finally telling the truth when she said that. “How are you?”
“Oh, we’re good, same old same old,” she says, pulling Maya into the apartment and shutting the door. “How’s you daughter? Next time you need to bring her, okay? Riley says she looks just like you.”
“She does. She’s the best,” Maya says, looking around the room. Riley and Auggie were setting the table which reminded her of when they were kids. “Where’s Cory?”
Just then the door opened and Cory walked in, “Look who I stumbled upon and decided to bring home,” he says, as Josh walks in behind him.
“Maya,” Josh says breathlessly, pausing mid stride. “I didn’t realize you were going to be here. I can go back to my apartment.”
“No!” Maya says a little too loudly and a little too quickly. “I mean you shouldn’t have to leave just because of me. This is your family.”
Josh smiles at her and she smiles back as if they are the only two in the room. Cory claps drawing them back into reality. “Okay, well that’s settled. Let’s eat!”
After dinner, they were all sitting in the living room sharing stories about the pat and what was going on in their lives when Maya’s phone rang. “Caroline, what’s wrong?” she asks answering the phone, trying to calm the girl down who was talking very quickly on the other side of the line. “Oh my gosh. Ok, I’ll be there soon.”
“Maya, what’s wrong?” Riley asks, standing up and following her friend to the door who was grabbing her coat and slipping on her shoes.
“It’s Lee, she’s in the hospital, I need to go. Shoot, I walked,” Maya says, frantically, opening her wallet to see if she had any cash to get a taxi of course not. Where were her credit cards? Lee must have taken them out when she was playing with her wallet earlier.
“Okay, Maya, just calm down. You can take our car,” Topanga says, grabbing the keys and handing them to her. “You shouldn’t be driving though um-”
“I’ll take her,” Josh volunteers quickly, grabbing the keys from Topanga and grabbing Maya’s hand with the other hand and pulling her out of the apartment without another word.
When they got to the hospital, Maya rushed to the front desk. “Hi, my daughter Lee Hart, was brought in earlier this evening.”
The nurse typed something on the computer, “She’s in room 103B,” she says, Maya turns to leave. Josh following her. “I am sorry, are you family?”
“No, but he’s with me,” Maya says, before Josh can say anything.
“I am sorry he has to stay here,” the nurse says.
Maya looks at Josh. “Thank you for bringing me.”
“I’ll be right here,” he responds before she rushes down the hall to see her daughter.
“Is she okay?” Josh asks, handing Maya a coffee when she comes back out in the waiting area.
She nods tiredly. “She’s sleeping now. She’ll be okay,” she says after taking a sip of the coffee. She sets it on the table and puts her head in her hands. “She’s allergic to hazelnut, which was in the brownies they made tonight. I am such a horrible mom.”
“No your not,” Josh states. “This could of happened to anyone. You were here for her and that’s what makes you a good mom.”
“Thanks,” Maya says, sitting up and putting her head on Josh’s shoulder tiredly. She just wanted to come out here and tell him he could go but she felt safe with him near. “I am sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, I am glad I could help,” he says.
“No, I mean I am sorry for what happened,” she says, referring to their past. “I didn’t want any of that to happen. I was just scared.”
“I know,” Josh says after a minute of silence. “We’re fine now. I am just glad you and Lee are happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
Maya lifts her head, and stares intently at Josh before leaning in and kissing him. She pulls away just as quickly. “I am so sorry,” she says rushed. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, it’s okay. It was good,” he says, cursing himself for just saying ‘good’. Maya lets out a laugh.
“I should get back to her, you should go home and get some sleep,” Maya says.
“Does Maya know?” Riley asks, wiping the tears from her eyes and sniffling crazily. She couldn’t believe it, she didn’t want to believe it. Josh shakes his head. “You need to tell her. You’ve gotten really close. You and Lee have gotten really close.”
“I know, I just… I can’t,” he says, he could feel himself breaking down. This was the first time he would ever cry about himself about what was happening to him. “I can’t do that to her. She’s finally happy. She’s glowing. I can’t destroy her like that.”
Riley bite her lip. “I know but Lee is three years old. She shouldn’t have to face this.” Riley states, then frowns. “I am sorry, that was horrible for me to say.”
“You’re right,” Josh replies his voice full of emotion. He sits down on her bed. “I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to not see Maya ever again. I love her. I love Lee. Riley, I was okay with what was happening to me but now-,” he bursts into tears and covers her face with his hands.
Riley wraps her arms around him. “I am so so sorry,” she whispers.
“Your spoiling her,” Maya comments, when she sees the giant stuffed animal and the movie he brought for Lee. “She’s running out of room to put all the stuff you’ve been getting her.”
“It’s the least I could do for my favorite girl,” he shrugs, but she can hear a slight sadness in his voice.
She smacked him jokingly in the arm. “I am sorry, I thought I was your favorite girl!” she says, he pulls her into a hug and kisses the top of her head.
“You’re a close second,” he retorts with a smirk.
“Are you okay?” Maya asks, worried about the sadness that is in his voice. Josh opens his mouth when Lee runs over.
“Joshy!” she squeals, jumping up into his arms. He picks her up and gives her a hug. “You didn’t come over last night! I missed you! You come every night!”
Maya notices that he frowns slightly, before smiling at her. “That’s because I was picking out the movie we are going to watch tonight!”
“Excuse you, it’s almost seven!” Maya says, looking at her watch. Lee and Josh turn and give her puppy dog eyes. She signs in annoyance jokingly. “Fine, but this is the only exception!”
“Yay!” Lee squeals, wiggling out of Josh’s arms and running into the living room. Maya and Josh follow her and take their seats next to her. Five minutes into the movie, she’s fast asleep.
“I am going to take her to bed and then maybe we can have some grown up time,” Maya smirks with a wink as she picks up Lee and takes her to her room. When she comes back, Josh had already put away the movie and was looking very nervous.
“You okay?” she asks, taking a seat next to him.
“Um yeah, I just think we should talk,” Josh replies. Maya frowns and raises her eyebrows in a ‘go on’ manner. “I think I should not come every night, I don’t want Lee to get too attached to me. Or you for that matter.”
“What?” Maya asks, confused about what was going on. “You don’t want us getting attached?”
“Yes, I just don’t want anyone to get hurt when-,”
“When what? When you leave us?” Maya asks, standing up angrily but still keeping her voice down so she wouldn’t wake Lee.
“No, Maya, I don’t want to leave but-,”
“You’ve found someone better? Just get out Josh. Save me the pity talk. You don't think we're good enough for you,” Maya interrupts again, making her way towards the door.
“Maya, please, what I am trying to say is-,”
“I know very well what your trying to say,” Maya says, opening the door and pointing for him to leave. He signs and she can see the sorrow on his face. This is what he asked for. He doesn’t say anything else and she shuts the door behind him. She slides down it completely numb from pain, her heart breaking slowly as she thinks about how she’s going to have to tell Lee.
“You should go tell her the truth,” Cory says, “She deserves to know whats going on so when you-,”
“Just say it. When I die.” Josh spits out angrily, crossing his arms.
Cory sighs, looking over at his brother who was pacing back and forth. “You’ll regret it if she’s not there when it happens.”
“She doesn’t want to be there and I don’t want her there. I don’t want to see her heartbroken because of me. I don’t want to cause her any pain. I should have stayed out her life. I knew I didn’t have much time left but I decided to get attached to her anyways. I decided to get close to her. I decided to get close to Lee,” Josh says, “Why is this happening to me?”
“Josh, it hasn’t happened yet and you don’t even know if it will. You need to go to her,” Cory says, his heartbreaking for his brothers struggles.
“You’re righ-,” he says, his voice fading. His vision blurring, he felt his arm moving uncontrollably and then he was on the ground. Cory’s face was above his and he was yelling something but Josh didn’t understand what he was saying. That’s when the world went black.
She sat in her apartment in the dark, Riley had offered to take Lee out for ice cream before the funeral so Maya could have a few minutes alone and Maya graciously said yes. Now she sat in the dark clutching a tissue and a piece of paper in her hands.
She glanced at the tear stained parchment and began to read it.
I hate you. I hate that you let me get close to you when you knew you were going to die. I hate that you didn’t tell me you were going to die. I hate that I yelled at you weeks before it happened. I hate how I wasn’t there. I hate how you didn’t let me be there. Riley told me you didn’t want anyone telling me. I hate that this happened to you. I hate that you told everyone but me. I hate that we don’t get to have a future together. I hate you.
But I also love you. A lot. And that’s another reason why I hate you. I love that you let me be apart of the last months of your life. I love how you were with Lee. I love how I knew you loved me and you didn’t even have to say it. I love how I felt safe with you, and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that safe with anyone. I am honored that you let me be apart of your last weeks, but I wish you told me so I could have been there until the end. Looking back I realize you tried too, you should have made me listen. I should have listened.
I am also sorry. I am sorry for years ago when you gave me the chance to be with you when I found out I was pregnant but I chose Alex because I thought Lee needed her biological father. You would have been so much better.
I am sorry we didn’t get to spend those three years together. I am sorry I was so selfish and I didn’t listen when you tried to tell me. That must have been so hard for you. I am sorry this happened to you. I am sorry we aren’t together anymore.
I will always love you. You’ll always be my first love. I’ll make sure Lee knows who you are. Not now. She’s too young for this kind of heartbreak. But she will know who you were.
P.S Did I mention I love you?
P.S again... I miss you like crazy already...