Heartlette: Thoughts Read Unspoken Forever and Now

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

You shouldn't have built me up so high in the beginning if you were just going to push me off the penthouse balcony. Now I'm here hugging the cement and wishing it was you. Fuck my useless skin-bag ness.

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

It's almost May 1st. Fuck, I wish I could go back to exactly 2years ago now. To the day we were reunited. I think I'll always continue to want you the way a diabetic with a sweet tooth craves sugar. My life's just been a load of invisibility and the same row of blurred weekdays followed by forgettable weekends playing sleep catch up.

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

I want to go back to two years ago at this time

But I'd have longer hair. Ha, I just fucking miss you like hell. Please give me some sign you think of me

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

I don't know what I did that was so crappy, that it made you ignore me the entire time ...

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

I just feel like a watered down version of what I should be, wanting people I shouldn't and not caring about my career and shit enough.

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

Meh, I'm in such a foul mood this morning. I had a crudastic dream prob cause I went to bed all achy/with a stomach ache. When I wake up in the morning, I also don't want any human interaction... Like don't tell me good morning or to have a good day when you obviously see I'm a zombie every morning and will never be a morning person no matter how much sleep I get, unless I'm doing something exciting and not the usual work related. Like.. Fucking leave me alone.. Especially if you're just gonna sit on your lazy chainsmoker ass all day and feel like shit cause of your addictions. Alright.

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

I'm pretty much invisible to everyone

We got a reply back from k and v saying they'd be open to us visiting for Sophie's 1st birthday, and that we'd work out the details as we got a little closer to the day. So there's good/positive news on that front... But I just feel so detached from most everything now as the days are all just work/work/work I sleep thru almost the entire weekend because no matter how much I sleep throughout the week, I still feel tired from getting up at 6am everyday.. My best friends wedding is also in less than two weeks, but we barely even talk anymore, and I feel like it wouldn't even give a crap if I wasn't there, her whole life is just him now anyway. I really feel like I don't have close friends anymore.. Just work acquaintances, and my parents calling up to check up on me.. But I don't feel like talking to them.. They just go on about how I am underpaid and need to move back and be a teacher.. Which I just can't. I also fe left out /bleh dissatisfied with my best friends wedding, that I'm not there to really help/be a part of it like we always thought I would be. Also, I know she'll prob have a baby within the next two years, it all makes me think how this won't happen to me, b/c I am too picky and only want it ever with you, and you'd never feel the same about me, so it doesn't matter. It doesn't help seeing how So many people my age are getting engaged and married so.. Effortlessly I had a dream that my best friend had a baby boy two nights ago, and somehow I was the delivery room and we were all close again. The baby looked just like C's ex-wife's baby, who i was ig stalking earlier.. Anyway, also me and I are supposed to go to Las Vegas for a weeks vacation/this tournament he wants to go to in July. Right after my 6 months paid time off starts, but my heart really isn't it.. It'll prob end up like all other out of state tournament trips we go on, where I don't get to explore the city, and I sit at the venue waiting for him... I keep thinking about how c. Told me last month that he'd love to take a trip with me someday.. It set off all these fantasies in my head, I know that If you asked me to run off with you, I would. I can't imagine that this will be my life for years to come, I'd be yours if you really wanted me. Anyway, doubt anyone read this, and I really don't mind. I needed to vent/get this out because I have no other means. No tags needed, these are the thoughts that run through my mind without ever leaving.

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

Metallic

I. Ended up writing our latest response to k and v because we got her 7month update on the 11th. I'm glad that he finally wrote it, we finished the reply saying how we wanted to see her before her first bday in August.. So far we did to get a reply back. I hope there's a good reaction. We also found out Sophie has a lazy eye and is getting treated for it :| I'll post some pictures soon, I've just been kind of down lately.

[sraepsyentirb1]

awellkept-secret:

this guy in my class said his brother lost his wallet in Canada and someone shipped it back with souvenirs

[psych-facts]

My only relief is to sleep. When I’m sleeping, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not lonely, I’m nothing.

 Jillian Medoff (Hunger Point)

[steadies-deactivated20141011]

1. Do not date a boy who does not care what your favourite song is. The boy who does not care what melodies ignite your heart strings with love and wonder while staring at passing street lights on the last train home, will not care if it’s 2 a.m. and your heart is breaking. 2. Do not let anyone fold you up like last winters tattered scarf and put you away with the others in a neatly labeled box. Even when there’s thunder and the sky is crying, you are your mum’s favourite summer dress. You are to wear yourself like you believe it. 3. We are all stories. Write yours how you want. Make today’s chapter about purposely taking the wrong bus and discovering a tiny blue tea shop, or folding origami paper hearts over and over on your window sill. Just make sure it’s something you’d enjoy reading. 4. I will always try to save you. 5. Someday you will be 19 and lost and heartbroken and you will think about a place you’ve seen on TV or heard or read about in a book or seen a picture of. You will feel your heart drop into your stomach. Go there. For a day, a month, forever, but it’s important that you go. 6. The world is so beautiful. Do not let the slumped over homeless man outside the convenience store or the stories of guns and bombs on the television let you believe otherwise. We are all so lost. All of us. We all show it in different ways. I write bad poems. Others start wars. There is no inherent evil, only good people searching too hard. 7. I love everything about you. 8. Money turns people into liars and emotional ghosts. School grades are an inaccurate representation of you. Measure your life’s worth in how many times you’ve nearly lost your life to laughter, how many books you’ve closed with happy tears in your eyes, people whose lives you’ve brought joy to, marshmallows eaten, or countries visited. 9. Don’t ever let anyone tell you to stop crying. Cry if you want to. It’s okay. You’re allowed. 10. My best friend once told me that the most important decision he had ever made was to love everyone and everything. He’s the only person I’ve ever known to have a viewable aura of light around him. Don’t forget to love this world, to love people. Be light. You are already mine.

10 things I will tell my daughter. - Julia LaValley (via steadies)

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

Tell me that this too shall pass, but I know it won't.

I'm beginning to see that what I thought was unique is really not, Though our hearts are individual, they have the same basic wants, longings, nostalgia to go back, fantasies All of you now, you're just curious again, Hoping to recreate some semblance of what you enjoyed. But, you were all fillers for who I really want, Because even after over three years, it's still, still, still you. If you asked me to run away with you, I would. To my best friend, I'm beginning to feel crushed and sad that I'm not there, So this is really it. I always thought I'd be there, especially now. You knew almost everything about me at some point, and now it's all drifted I can't stand it if I let myself think about it, so I try not to, But nothing's really turned out like I could ever imagine, so I shouldn't be surprised. Nothing's felt right except in fleeting moments that don't last long enough. Then it's back to just getting by and surviving, where nothing too terrible happens, but there's the pervasive aura of vague unhappiness and despair lingering there underneath. I miss my daughter. I miss my best friend. I miss my lover. I miss the simple, unblemished canvas I used to be.

[prettygirlfood]

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

I've been in a trance I feel like nothing ever happened. I just feel forgotten And casual And I'm worried to ask about seeing you.. And I'm too tired to tag this post I just don't feel like it matters much because I'm just a small speck in it all.. I never felt like you were mine because you could never be mine, in a way it was like what I knew about c. That he could never be mine either What's the point of replying when I just want you here?

[afth-org]

Birthmother shares 10 Things She Wishes People Would STOP Saying to her…please feel free to add more to this list

[whatevrbby]

Feelings never make sense. They get you all confused and drive you around for hours until they drop you right back where you started.

-Blair Waldorf (via whaaaateva)

[secrets-sleepinwinterclothes]

True affection sinks

I don't want to write b/c I'm just being a shitty birth mom because I still didn't reply to Sophie's six month update like two weeks ago when k and b wrote that really well worded letter.. But idk what to say and I'm tired of being the one to have to write all the replies and correspondence because you "aren't good at writing" what a dumb cop out, we are supposed to write it together, we are supposed to say how we want to see her soon. I'm nervous about what they'll say.. There isn't any way to do it but say it. It's my birthday Monday and I want it written before then. I just feel lame about it all now. I feel like I'm the only one that cares sometimes about her., around me I mean. My parents pretend it never happened.. And I never really told many people because not close to many people. I wish my life had turned out more like it was supposed to b/c then I would be celebrating my 25th birthday with my 6month old daughter on Monday.