April 1st 2021 at 02:43 AM (start of writing)
going to post here because I've thought over and over and over again about getting a journal but I never pull through everytime I go to the dollarstore
But anyway. I think writing in this tumblr blog really helped me from like me being 14 up until I started becoming inactive after university.
1. So I pray everyday going to work. Especially the whole month of March. I have a superstition for the month of March because in the past 5-6 years or so something ALWAYS bad happens in March. It doesn't have to be super bad, or tragic... But something happens where I definitely cry about it (and maybe even a lot). Anyway, so I'm writing this post in my bed at 2 AM and it's FINALLY April 1st!!! I have a superstition still because I think I messed up by exposing myself for some reason tonight. But anyways I hope that's not the case...
2. So I'm excited because April is a month of new beginnings (typically). I think last year gets its own award of being horrible because it was the start of COVID, and being in a lockdown. And let's just say I did not cope well with not being able to see people I enjoy having around. I'm very awkward, antisocial, and an introvert, but I still have a few people that I need some socialization with to keep sane.
Anyways, so April of last year was alright. Not the best, still in the beginning of the pandemic. I still struggled with things but it wasn't as bad as March 2020. That was just straight up horrible.
So yeah, I'm excited for having nicer weather. For longer days, the sun setting later and later. It's nice. I need to find an outside hobby I enjoy. I think I really want to be good at roller blading this year.
3. So my new goal is... I think I need to stop caring. I've always been so overly concerned about other people's opinions. to this day some things (whether said intentionally or not with hard feelings) still bother me.
Being in your 20s is weird. Honestly I had no real trajectory in life, I was just kind of following the societal "norm" of go to school, get a job, then work? What next, marriage? Kids? I don't know. I find that there's such a range of things happening to people I know in their 20s. People are having kids, which is cool. People are getting married, that's cool. That or people are just chilling. That's also cool.
4. Social media and what people tell you is all a front. It's a highlight reel, and people try to talk themselves up. And I get it. No one wants to post about them having a bad day, or talk bad about themselves.
So. I'm sick of social media nowadays. I can't find enough strength to delete it because I still like the funny memes and other funny videos and content on there. That's part of my little joys in life. But yeah. I'm tired of feeling like I have to compare myself to others or that it's some sort of competition about who's the most successful. Who's getting married first. Who's having kids first. Who's getting that mansion first, or luxury car first.
5. I think I just hit a point where I just didn't want to socialize anymore today.
6. Anyway. I'm tired of timelines. I'm tired of being asked "non-chalantly" (yeah right) why I'm not engaged yet after 4+ years of being together, and why me and my significant other don't talk about those things. So? What is it to you? Just because you talked about your less than a year relationship and you're already looking at rings and houses, does that make MY relationship and life look BAD to you? Like wow, cool, thanks. I see that apparently it looks like my life and my relationship sucks because it's not great according to your standards
7. Note: I just needed to get that out. Because I cried on the way home after that specific situation. It sucked! It made me feel like shit about myself. And I know it shouldn't have. But I cared and it made me feel very bad.
8. so anyway... I don't have any answers to life. But I really am trying hard to work on not caring about social media or other's perceptions or opinions of me. I need to stop thinking I'm garbage because other people think so apparently.
I guess that's it for now. A long awaited rant... Resurfaced because I got triggered (haha). We'll see where life takes us, I'm hoping I learn eventually to just be not bothered about things.
That's where I really love the people who are closest to me. No judgment. No timelines. No pressure. I need that. I need to focus on what I want to eat tomorrow and watch tomorrow instead of someone's opinion that my relationship and my life trajectory sucks. Lmao
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