a day i’m pretty sure no one was expecting to ever come has finally approached. despite trying to hold things together and keep people around as things started to change and newcomers became extremely frequent, i’ve come to realize that either i’ve spent too much time investing in something that was pointless from the beginning, or i’ve invested a lot of time into something that really meant something to me. and when i think about it, this place did mean a whole lot to me. even if i started out socially awkward and following 25 people at most; even if i had friends come and go, was mistreated, wronged, deliberately hurt, and most definitely did some of the hurting; even if i strained relationships to make others work. i don’t regret a single second of being here. because of this place, i’ve met some of the most amazing people the world has to offer. i also learned a lot while i was here—how to be open, how to love someone unconditionally, how to let go, how to fight for what i want, how to brush off those who want to bring me down, how to move on, how to hurt, and how to heal. and there’s no way i would’ve learned these things without the people who matter to me most. to my gwangkki, who’s already gone. sometimes i’m sorry for ever bringing you here; for making you go through the hurt, the criticism, the fights, and the rants. for unloading my problems on you when they should’ve been mine to deal with. but at the same time i’m glad i brought you here, because you made friends you cherish, had laughs when god knows you might’ve been crying, and opened your heart to someone. you probably won’t see this, but i’m sure you know how much i owe you already. to junhyung, who’s loved me no matter what, even though i know i don’t deserve it in the least. i don’t think i’ll ever forget how we met. but i think out of everyone, i owe you the biggest apology of all. for asking you to make another account just so that we could be together, and for ruining it by telling you i was in love with someone else at the same time. i’m sorry for all the times i ever made you feel second best or unappreciated, and i don’t blame you for one second for turning to gwangchul instead. i’m sorry for being the reason you don’t bother with dating at all anymore. i’m sorry for every time you snapped at me, for talking to you like you weren’t a person with feelings, and for being such an asshole to you because you always got it the worst from me. but thank you for never giving up on me, and for caring for me, and for being the greatest hyung i had. to my kitty hyung, max. i never told you why i actually hated you, did i? well, it was because you were closer to chanhee than i ever could’ve been, despite the two of us ending up together. my jealousy got the better of me a lot when it came to you. i don’t remember what it was that made me look past it, but i guess it’s no longer important, hmm? what matters is how close we’ve become over time, and i want to thank you for being such a good friend to me, even though i didn’t deserve it. i want to thank you for giving me the courage to to ask chanhee both of the biggest questions i’ve ever had to ask someone in my life; for giving me a reason to try harder when i wanted to give up altogether, for not letting me get discouraged by others, and for being there to comfort me when i needed it. and i’m sorry for breaking my promise. also, tell kihoon i’m sorry i never visited; i’ve been really unfair to him. to erika (or eunyoung). you’re really something else, you know that? you say that i make you happy when i show up, but the truth is you made me happy by making gwangchul happy while he was around. naturally though, you and i have formed a bond with one another through your relationship with him, with our inside jokes and what have you. it find it totally ironic that you asked me how i keep calm and deal with things that should make me angry or make me sad. but i have to ask you how you stay so strong. you’ve been through a lot more than i have and i’ve been here almost an entire year longer than you have. you somehow always manage to bounce back even if you don’t tell people when you’re down, and i admire you strongly for that. see you on the other side, sis. to narae noona. you were one of very few people i could discuss different things that most people didn’t know/care about with, which automatically makes you awesomely special to me. i know we’re not extraordinarily close to one another or anything, but i want you to know that i’m happy that i met you, and that i hope you continue to be your uplifting self. that nothing brings you down, and that no one tries (well, succeeds, i guess because people will always try to bring you down) to make you miserable. you deserve the utmost happiness. to chanshik and jihwan. i’m sorry i didn’t stick around to see you two get married. i’m not such a great hyung after all, huh? i hope for nothing but happiness for the two of you. to jinyoung and keonu. the two of you probably put a smile on my face more than anyone else around. we weren’t particularly close outside of that, but i cherish whatever ridiculous times we had together. to my son, favourite dongsaeng, and best friend changjo. i can’t tell if i’m sorry for bringing you here yet. but i don’t think i am. because of this place, you and i are best friends. and even though we can go weeks without talking to one another, we both know that the friendship still stands. you’ve been there for me to lean on since day one and i can’t even begin thanking you for that. i believe you are one of very few who have seen me at my best, and at my worst, and i trust you the most out of everyone i’ve met here. i would honestly give my right arm if it meant to see you happy—which means a lot because i’m right-handed and a writer so my life would be over without my right arm. in a way you kind of were like my child, asking for advice and stuff. i can only hope that some of the stuff i told you actually has value and didn’t distort your perceptions of anyone or anything. you’re one of those people who happens once in a blue moon, you know. one of those people who looks after everyone before looking after yourself. even if it can be a destructive thing, it can also be powerful. the power to make someone else smile is stronger than all other strengths. and i know things seem like they’re piling up to unbearable heights, but when it all stops and you can breathe, you’ll see how amazing it feels to overcome it all. part of me is a little worried about leaving you here, but i know you can take care of yourself. you’ll always be my best man, got that? i love you, kiddo. and to my beloved chanhee. i do, will, and will probably continue to feel like the biggest douche nozzle in the world for a very very long time for doing this to you—for letting us get so far, only to let things go unfinished. you and me have been through everything together, through hell and back over the past two and a half years, huh? hours and hours spent building what we are now; hours and hours of loving, hurting, learning to love again, fighting, talking, not talking, avoiding, dodging, questioning, crying, expecting, disappointing, snuggling, smiling, laughing, planning, learning, trying, forgiving but never forgetting (okay maybe a little forgetting on my end…). taking something that was broken and patching up the pieces again, slowly but surely. and here we are 2 years, 4 months, and 5 days later. you’re the longest relationship i’ve ever had, you know. whether or not this is just a roleplay, i’ve always been in love with you as a person—i still am, and probably will be for a long time. but it’s taken a lot of thought to make this decision, a lot of serious looking back and looking ahead. and one of the few things that i’ve realized is that i need to focus on me. i know you of all people will understand what it’s like to need to separate yourself from everything and everyone else and just look out for yourself because in the end, you’re all you really have sometimes, you know? i learned that the hard way this past school year. i need to get myself together. my love for this place is starting to die out and although my love for you is still strong, it’s not fair to you to have to keep yourself tucked away while i’m busy not being here, when someone else could be loving you better. i thought about it, and i think you’re right. things are different now—we’re different. we have been since may last year. even if i’m wrong, even if things changed again while i wasn’t looking, even if you think i’m the one who isn’t putting in my whole half, it’s because i’m discouraged. they say only the strong survive, but there’s only so much fighting one can do before they get tired. i don’t know if i’ve ever told you this, but i’ve always hated being in an open relationship with you, whether or not it taught me how to trust someone wholeheartedly. regardless of whether or not you wanted to be open for you, or for me, or for other people, i always hated it. i learned to deal, sure, but i never liked it. i sacrificed a lot to be with you, and i’m not trying to use that against you or anything. it’s just time for things to change—time for us to let go, move on, do better for ourselves because it feels like we’re going nowhere, and it’s felt like this for a long time. i need to take care of myself, and you deserve someone who can take care of you when you need it. it’ll hurt for a while, but you healed once—you’ll heal again. whether or not it’ll count for anything after this, whether we’ll talk to each other on personals or not, just know that i’m not breaking my promise. i will really and truly always love you. so i guess that’s it, you guys. it’s been one hell of a crazy ride for all of us. some had more fun than others but hey, that’s how the story goes. to those of you i knew well, thank you for everything; for the laughs, the fun, and the near-three years of company you gave me. you all gave me a reason to smile, something that was extremely hard for me to do through my senior years of high school. without you guys, i could still be miserable, still be stuck in that depressed rut, hell i could be dead by now for all i know. but you guys changed that. to those of you i didn’t get to know, it’s a shame; you’re all probably amazing people. to those of you i knew but had an intense dislike for, i wish you well; i kind of wish it could be different, but everything happens for a reason, right? right. i thought about it for a long time, and i’ve decided that i’ll be deleting my account. i know you guys like to keep your favorites and whatnot, but i would like to erase all of this—wipe the slate clean, not only for me, but for anyone who would hang onto my memory and let it keep them down. i also don’t want any temptation to log in again. i want that when my name goes on the freed-up list, that it’s for good. no take-backs, no do-overs, nothing. just moving forward. for anyone who wants to keep in touch, you can hit me up on skype (the13thstruggle) or my personal twitter (deokjins). i will really and truly miss every single one of you. thank you for being a part of my life. forever yours, hyunchul