Welcome To The Garden Of My Mind

thoughts from a: security engineer, cybersecurity grad student, ucla alum, former psychotherapist in training, published medical research co-author, motorcyclist, certified yoga teacher, spiritual being & everything in between

[securityengineer]

I’m in another introspective season. I can’t help closing off a bit to the world to shed old skin. It’s a quiet transformation as I take time to re-evaluate and readjust to what no longer serves me.

These seasons come unexpectedly. Or perhaps they’re triggered by overwhelm, maybe they’re even in sync with the cycles of the moon but I haven’t paid enough attention other than moving with it as the time arrives.

I question who I am and who I am becoming. Am I doing what is right and important to me or am I influenced by the world around me? I can only find the truth by putting up barriers to the external world while I dig into my metaphysical self, exploring and excavating what it means to truly be me.

[securityengineer]

If I could redo my education, I’d study and engineer solutions to sinkholes.

Idk why I’m fascinated by them.

Perhaps a sinkhole took me down in a past life.

[securityengineer]

Morning Routine

I open my eyes, it’s dark. I’m back in the simulation. Finally. I’m not the biggest fan of sleep, I wouldn’t do it if it weren’t necessary.

I check my phone for the time: 4:08am--time to get this party started, Michelle.

I tiptoe through the bedroom, brush my teeth and change into workout clothes as quietly as possible since the rest of the house is still asleep. It’s a considerate habit I was taught in my early college years while living with my aunt and her three little boys. I didn’t appreciate it back then, but I’m glad that it stuck with me.

In our home gym, I burn some sage, sit down then take a few minutes to stretch and meditate. It’s important for me to start the day this way when it’s so still and quiet. I do this before I allow any external stimulation (technology) into my mental space so I can hear my own thoughts more clearly. This practice helps me tune into the clarity of who I am, who I want to be, and the way I want to feel and go about my day.

I spend the next thirty minutes doing a quick weight lifting circuit. I love the way it feels to be so intensely focused on building my physical strength. It makes me feel unfuckablewith. In my mind, it’s like sharpening a blade. My body is a tool, a weapon I use in the battle of life to conquer (metaphorical) mountains. I feel like a modern day warrior goddess.

After I clean up, I get ready to go outside for my morning cardio or as I like to think of it--my morning walk/run of sanity. Without it, my energy seems to scatter more easily. I put on a sweater, my white running shoes and quietly step out the front door. The light of the sun is just barely peeking through the horizon, but the birds are already up chirping away. 

As I walk down the driveway, I close my eyes and inhale deeply feeling the mildly cold air on my skin. I can’t help but smile because it feels so good to be alive. I am so deeply immersed in this moment, not thinking of the future or the past, just here, wide awake, for all the serenity and peace.

As I take step after step, walking through my sleeping neighborhood in awe of the trees and color of the early morning sky contemplating the miracle of consciousness, I know these feelings flow from merely the perception of my mind...and what a beautiful thing that is. To be completely alone yet still find so much to be joyful about. I feel so whole and in love in this moment and I can’t put my finger on exactly why.

Regardless, this is how a beautiful day starts to unfold. 

This is the process that enables me to bring my best into each day. There’s no one else responsible, just me.

[securityengineer]

[3.14.22] Schedule as a Security Engineer

4:00am: wake up, think nice thoughts, yoga, meditate

5:00am: lift weights

6:30am: morning cardio outside

7:00am: shower, breakfast, coffee, journal

8:30am: review work emails/messages/calendar

8:45am: organize tasks for the day and week in Asana

9:00am: new hire security onboarding (code base + production access)

10:00am: github dependabot alerts meeting

10:30am: GRC vendor meeting (ZenGRC)

11:00am: create pull request + deploy amazon machine image patches to staging environment

12:00pm: BREAK - meditate, eat

12:30pm: third-party vendor request security review meeting

1:00pm: security standup

1:30pm: application security meeting with IT team

2:00pm: data & infrastructure engineering team bi-weekly retrospective meeting

3:00pm: teammate’s birthday virtual happy hour

4:00pm: wrap up any urgent tasks

5:00pm: go for a walk outside, make dinner

6:30pm: make tea, journal/reflect on the day

7:00pm: work on personal projects/coding/read

8:30pm: hang out with my husband, play video games

10:00pm: meditate then go to sleep

End of day reflection:

It was a pretty productive day. I didn’t get a whole lot of my work projects to-do list done, but having this many meetings is pretty unusual, they’re normally more spread out. This just means later in the week will be less dense with meetings.

The meetings were productive. I was able to contribute good ideas in improving our processes which I’m actively trying to do more. I’m the only woman in what feels like 95% of my meetings so tbh, it’s been a struggle to grow more confident in a male-dominated arena especially when I am the most junior on the teams. I had a 1:1 with the new senior director of engineering (who just joined us from Google) and he really encouraged me to share my ideas regardless of my career level because maybe it doesn’t bear fruit immediately but it can be a dormant seed that eventually grows with the right conditions/person listening. I see now as I put myself out there more and more, that I also gain a lot more respect/credibility by being confident (and educated) in my contributions/ideas whether they’re fruitful or not, but I feel like 9/10 times, they have been. The keys to my professional growth have been to pay attention, ask thoughtful, clarifying questions, and educate myself where there are gaps in my knowledge so I come back to the table wiser every time.

I think meditation also plays such a big role in my effectiveness but that’s a topic to dive deeper into in another post.

Overall, it was a great day. My focus has been 110% since I started turning off notifications on my phone and chucking into a different room when I start my day. I reached all the goals I set for myself today in regards to mental and physical health. (I only set a few goals each day to ensure high rates of success and reduce disappointment.) It’s hard to slack in those areas because I (and the people around me) benefit tremendously when I pour kindness into myself. 

Going to bed feeling grateful, thinking positive thoughts and excited for what the rest of this week will bring. 

[securityengineer]

Reality of working in tech:

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the things I need to learn that it becomes debilitating and I find falsely productive things to do instead…like watch other people do productive things on YouTube