Seeing for the First Time

[seeingforthefirsttime]

Time to say something random. It’s a half an hour past midnight and I can’t sleep. I dream of committing to something in life but I may never. Every day I wake up and want something different. Every day. I don’t like myself. I believe that I am not worthy enough. Every day I feel this way. Every day. But if I were to try to find the good things in life what would they be? I like riding my bike. I like the way the sun shines and the sort of music the wind plays with the trees. I believe songs exist in the air all around us. Maybe one day I will write them down. But anyway. What is considered a good thing? I can write down what I like but are those really considered to be good things? I’m in grad school. That’s apparently a good thing. I coach synchronized swimming. That’s also said to be a good thing. But what I want most in the world is to drive to Boston to visit my friend or to drive to Vermont to visit my aunt and uncle. And to write. Writing where I can be unknown yet seen at the same time. That truly is the dream.

[quotefeeling]

“Overthinking is the biggest cause of our unhappiness. Keep yourself occupied. Keep your mind off things that don’t help you. Be optimistic.”

— Unknown

[perfeqt]

“When I say, I love you, it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.”

— Joss Whedon

[perfeqt]

“The person you think of when you stand in front of the ocean. That’s the person you’re in love with.”

— (via perfectfeelings)

[skylightangels]

Love triangles—overused and boring trope, right?

Wrong, you just need to get more creative. So buckle up fandom members and tired writers, let’s talk love triangle alternatives.

The Classic Love Triangle, aka the Love V

This is your Bella/Edward/Jacob, your Katniss/Peeta/Gale. It’s been done and overdone. Person A has two people interested in them, and they have to pick which one they like best. Boring!! Let’s spice it up.

The True Love Triangle

To make a REAL love triangle, we need to close the last side. Now all 3 people involved are part of their own classic love triangle. If two people end up together, the third will be double crushed because they just lost both of their potential love interests to each other. Now we’re talking.

This is like Harry/Cedric/Cho, Luna/Neville/Ginny (although not quite since it’s not all at the same time)

The Rivalry Turned Romance

Person A is just minding their own business, uninterested in both person B and person C. Person B and C both like person A though, and somewhere along the way, their rivalry turns into a romance. Think about when Alya and Nino got trapped in the panther cage and fell for each other because they had so much (their mutual crush on Marinette) in common. This is the superior love triangle, tbh.

The Double Love Triangle

We’re back to classic love triangle land, but we’re spicing it up by adding another one!! One of the people in the classic love triangle is in another classic love triangle. Percy has to choose between Annabeth and Rachel, Annabeth has to choose between Percy and Luke (*gags at mention of luke*). This can end in two couples or in one couple and two lonely people.

The True Double Love Triangle

Ooh what’s this? It’s Miraculous Ladybug, of course. Person A (Marinette) likes Person C (Adrien), but she also likes Person B (Luka). Person C (Adrien) likes Person A (Marinette) and D (Kagami). BUT!! If we add in Marigami and Lukadrien, there’s our true love triangles coming out. Of course this chaos is in Miraculous because not a single character in this show this love triangle is straight.

The Bachelor

I honestly can’t think of a good example in any fandoms I’m in for this scenario, but it’s pretty simple: person A has a plethora of potential love interests to choose between.

The Bachelor With Internal Love Triangles

The love interests got tired of waiting for person A to choose one of them and started showing interest in each other.

The Bi Panic/Irene Adler/I am just overall frustrated that these two people are dating or into each other

Person B and C are into each other, maybe already in a relationship, and person A likes both of them (unreciprocated). This is kind of like Irene Adler having an affair with both people in a marriage, except they would have both been into her too. A better example is when my crush in 7th grade started dating the girl that I didn’t know I had a crush on because I still thought I was straight.

The Plus One, aka the Johnlock

Person A and B are in a confirmed and committed relationship (John & Mary Watson), but one of them is not so secretly in love with Person C (Sherlock).

The Awkward Plus One

This is a similar situation to the plus one, but it’s just person C having an unrequited crush on someone in a relationship. For example, Nico having a crush on Percy, who is with Annabeth. Briseis loving Patroclus who is with his soulmate Achilles.

I was going to include the Marinette/Adrien/Ladybug/Chat Noir love square but honestly wtf is that mess and how did those fools manage to have a love triangle between two people?

[seeingforthefirsttime]

Took a walk with Bun Bun yesterday :)

[seeingforthefirsttime]

I’ve realized quite recently, like at 2:00 in the morning one night, that I need to focus on positive outcomes. I’ve made up many stories in my head about my future that have not ended well. But knowing what I know now, I want to focus on the fact that I want a wife and a house and a road trip experience and a chapbook that is my own. And even though these desires may change over time, one thing must remain consistent: these are positive outcomes. These are the things I will think about and strive for. I hope that this post will serve as the beginning of that journey.

[seeingforthefirsttime]

I once asked Bawa if what I saw in his eyes could someday come up behind my eyes and look out. He began to talk about the subtle relationship between a teacher and the community. ‘Not until the I becomes a we.’

~preface to The Soul of Rumi, translations by Coleman Barks

[seeingforthefirsttime]

From the view of one of the men’s camera, we see them hiding behind a plant in the art museum. The viewer can hear them trying to keep their breathing light when, coming from off-screen, there is the clicking of heels approaching. The men freeze in their positions and we listen as the clicking gets closer and closer. Slowly, the clicking can be heard right next to the plant but strangely doesn’t stop there. Rather, they continue forward and the men watch as a beautiful woman appears. She is very tall, probably 8 feet without the heels. She wears a short, fitted dress that is of a shimmering silver color and the heels she wears are red stilettos. She has long blonde hair that trails down her back, past her hips. The men literally hold their breath as she continues walking through the hallway of the museum. Then, she stops. The men don’t move. She turns her head to the side for a moment, and then looks over her shoulder to stare directly at them. Her eyes are a fierce blue and her mouth holds what could even be called disgust. She studies them for a moment, then turns and continues on. The men let out their breath. Whether they realize it or not, they have escaped the wrath of Aphrodite.

[seeingforthefirsttime]

This is the trail that I like to ride my bike on. I took these pictures about 5 or 6 days ago and, since then, I’ve not been feeling too well. I’m hopeful, though, that things will get better. I will try to post things more often, even if it’s just for my own sake.

[seeingforthefirsttime]

Last week, I was hospitalized. I was experiencing suicidal ideation and did inpatient therapy for a week. Though I didn’t like the prospect at first, I learned a lot. I learned that I worked best with schedules and that, instead of changing my thinking, I could change my behavior. But today I realized that, more than anything, I like to stare out the window and do nothing. There is a certain freedom in doing nothing, specifically in not writing or speaking or playing music. Being a writer and a musician was something I wanted to be for a long time. But forcing myself to do these things in order to create purpose in my life was a heavy burden and I’ve learned now that I don’t need to carry it anymore. Though this is an ongoing journey, I have many blessings in my life to tally up and lots of lessons learned. I hope to keep learning and growing despite all that has happened and I hope that this blog can capture that journey.