Spoken.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

The ‘4.0′ Kid

I’m stuck being the Nerdy Kid. Forever stuck in the world of a 4.0 GPA now and forever. Stuck using my spare moments of the day reading an entire text book on my A levels, making aesthetic notes and mind maps and writing the perfectly crafted essays to gain educational credit.

‘Give yourself a break’ they say.

‘Go do something fun’ they say.

I try. 

Has anyone bothered to ask me why i get so wounded when my grades fall or i don’t understand a topic and why i end up giving myself social solitude until i understand or get my grade back up?

My education is my hobbies. The reason i can recite the whole of my A Level law syllabus by the back of my hand without looking at the book once. The reason i couldn’t live with an E in English Literature and wasn’t satisfied until it was back to 4.0.

But why?

It’s not my family. They don’t care if i pass. Its not me trying to be the best either.

So what is it?

It’s the fact everything i ever found fun has been buried in a hole 6 foot underground: my music, my art, my dance and my dream to sing on Britain’s got talent one day. All stolen by the people who did me wrong.

I can’t be bad at my education if i read the text book but i AM bad at everything else. That’s what my head tells me. I look around and everyone is better at me than everything. My education is all i have. I can’t be bad at it if I revise. You can revise at hobbies and still be bad.

I don’t like being like this. I want my hobbies back. I want my life back. I don’t care for Cambridge. I just want to relax sometimes in my life..

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

The Truth.

I don’t want to die. 

I have a future ahead of me that is like the feeling, look and smell lavender bubbles in the warmth of your bath tub on the coldest winter night where snow settles on the concrete and the heavens weeping the tears of the angels in the sky. 

A future where I know i will be happy, untroubled by my past that’s shackled to my mind. A future where all my hard work of education paid off and i’ll get into my dream university. A future where i’ll live with my second soul, the man that has been with me through everything. My desperate times of knifes deeply wounding my flesh. Times of pills slipping from hand to mouth. Times of saying goodbye. A future where we will sit hand in hand and say ‘we made it’ old and wrinkled telling stories of our teen lives to our children’s children.

I don’t want to die. 

A future awaits me that i lust. I long for. That will make me so happy after all the wrongs in my life. Where i never have to worry about a blade again.

But they won’t let me live.

They won’t let me crave the breaths i inhale of oxygen.

They won’t let me appreciate the amazing people i have around me.

They wan’t me to die. They tell me to die. They won’t let me go. They won’t stop screaming in my head. They tell me to leave him.

They tell me he will be better without me here for him to care for. For him to be worrying about. They say that he will find someone better. Someone prettier, smarter, lovelier and less unstable. Or they tell me he will leave me and abuse me like the others. 

I don’t believe them. But i have to believe them when that’s the only thoughts in my head.

I want to die.

I want to escape more suffering to come before the good. It is filling me with pain. My past will not let go of me. I can feel and remember every action of abuse from a partner. I can feel and remember every accusation and insult.

I can remember the sexual assaults of them.

I can’t even escape in my dreams or when i close my eyes. All i see are blood on my wrists or me swinging from a rope or the past coming to taunt me.

But i can’t die.

For him. He would be lost without me. Ive seen what pain it would cause him and am i any better than everyone else if i make him feel like that from escaping and being selfish?

I don’t want to die. I want to die. 

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

YOU.

Last night I couldn’t sleep and I lay awake in silence, thinking of you and the hole you tore into my life.

I wanted you to go away, leave my mind and leave me alone but you was like blue-tack stains on the white painted wall of my bedroom.

I didn’t want to think of everything we did together. I didn’t care that i thought of the good times. I did not care that i though of OUR mother and father at the time who treated me like a daughter.  I hate you. You torment me.

You appear out of nowhere to cast the curse upon my soul and curse me to forever see you in my mind as daily ritual. To make me cry. To remember how much promise and hope i had in you after all the bad, all the trust i had in you when i had no trust left: and to remember how you pushed the last pin into my voodoo doll. The pin to make me fall.

You made me scared to trust again, to love again, to hold another in my arms again and tell them what i must when I need to. To trust the promises i face from them and to trust the promise of happy ever afters wont turn to lemon sourz.

I lay awake all last night trying to get you out of my head. Trying not to think of that time you gave that mighty blow to my head and gave me the final push out of sanity and reality.

Flashbacks that feel real. Like i was there again, feeling and hurting and wishing all the same i did when it happened in the past. Re living that torturous moment that i had been through before but it hurt even more.

You may ask why it hurt the most from you than it did the others. That’s because after what they did i believed your promises and trusted you. It hurt that i finally found peace with you and you tore it away from me leaving me bare.

I hate that you’ll get away with what you did, eventhough i hold confession to the highest proof from your lips. But i cant do it. I can’t take away your life like you did mine. I can’t be seen to feel like i am the reason you rot in a cell missing out on life opportunities and opportunities to change. But i want you punished! I want you to feel hurt like mine! But you won’t, im a bigger person and ill still protect your honour even if you did wrong which is why no one knows. I’m the bigger person can you not see. Cant you just walk away with your rewards you have received?  

I have managed to find love again and trust and truthful promises. I wish to hold my love close forever more. But i also wish you leave my brain, my body and soul and let me live a life with my second soul..

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

Forgotten.

I’m forgetting something really important. Something i don’t realise in the fabric of my own reality; concealed and veiled away from my eyes, hear and soul. Something important. Something that makes reality alive again. But what?

I don’t know whats real anymore. Everything seems like facade that’s created to hide away what i forgot. I don’t know if im dead or alive. I don’t know if im awake or dreaming. Everything looks fictitious. 

I feel like when i sleep im awake and when im awake im asleep. But what if that’s right?

Something i cant remember is sat, unfocused, pix-elated, blurred in the foreground of my mind but i can’t distinguish what. 

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

Number 0

Stretched linen, tight over the surface, a canvas ready for the hues of war paint. Linen ready to snap from lack of filling from the slightest touch. Pink toned freckled flesh, turned skeletal white and the perimeter of the eyes darker than the soul of the devil.

The starving children of Africa, running from nightmare heat and famine, reflected in the cornea of the eye and in the water a reflection of battle.

Chiselled, sharp and weak structure ready to fight and ready to break like clay in replace of stone and brick.

The war was won long ago, before she starved her lips of life, before she wished the impossible, the moment before her actions mirrored her mind. It started at the first thought and agreement with the nightmare child.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

A Remedy to cure all ills.

There is only one thing to cure any illness, any wrong fracture in the mind and any tear in the soul. It’s not a concoction of elements made in a lab to cure diseases, illnesses or mental health. Its not the paralysation of staying in your bed only moving for the essentials. Its not the warm baths with bubbles and candles and its certainly not the ending of life itself. 

The remedy of all ills is that conversation with someone warm to your heart trying to pick you up from the ruble. A conversation that will bring you into the light in your darkest days. Even if it doesn't work, acknowledging that person and their help makes you feel warm hands cupping your heart. Keeping that person close and all their attempted wisdom will be your weapon in the worlds war against you.

Shackling that person away from you as you wail in despair will end in peral. And will someday cost you your life as nothing can make you feel happy more than the people who care about you.

Pick your allies wisely and get equipped for the battle of a life time.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

I want to die, I need to die - but i wont

Everyday my mind tells me to die.

Everyday, a wish to not awake from slumber.

A temptation to end all and say a gratifying goodbye.

But even on those days

The days where my mind is a chest

with a rupture, seeping the unfathomable thoughts

Bleeding the darkest of my soul into the fabrics of reality

I’ve managed to find a reason.

A reason to keep marching left foot in front of rigt foot 

until the clock stops ticking and fate ends my song.

Not earlier Not Sooner. When fate come knocking on the door

hand in hand in the reaper with the cold breath of silence.

My ‘person’ and my ‘second soul’

taught me how to live in a life of burden

how to chant away the demons that torture my shadows

taught me how to wish to live

live for others and live for myself.

Last night brought me to my place of black sorrow

while whom who holds my heart sleeps,

But my person, on the instant command of a cry for help

picked me up from the ruble i created from breaking down 

and headed words of wisdom 

absorbed by my body like osmosis.

You see that man that i hold dear

even though he was deep in sleep 

reminded me of who id be missing 

as i heard his cry filled breathing as he sleept.

My shining star, my ‘person’ wrote me a shopping list

a check list if you like

of all the things i need to do before fate orders me to die.

Some of them i have done and some of them not yet

But some of them i have to wait for 

i have to live my life

I want to have my kids one day

Alex and baby Josh and Parker too 

I want to walk to isle in my gown and say the words i do.

I want to see my person grey

and wrinkled like a paper bag

I want to walk hand and hand into bingo with her

and shout ‘BINGO I’ve beat you you old hag’.

I want to eat at nandos 

I want to watch the new IT 2 

I want to gain my grades with gratification

and go to university like everyone knew i would.

I want to go to Cambridge and be proud of what ive made,

Im not only her for you anymore i want to live for me too!

So when life gets harder and im sinking down further

Ill draw the blinds to

Ill look outside, pick a star

And make a wish to always remember 

how my person and second soul will always speak the truth.

Life isn't for me to live for others

Life is to live for me 

and to achieve greatness and hopeful wishes.

Thank you too you both for making me put away my noose.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

A Poem - I Miss You..

I could feel your spirit in my heart

But then it turned to vapour 

as i realised it was a ghost.

I could hear the beat of your heart

Booming from your chest 

As i lay on your chest.

But then it stopped beating 

as i realised i rest upon a pillow.

I could feel your hugs

tight around my flesh 

warm, kind, calming

But then i felt nothing

as i realised it was the duvet to my bed.

Weighing me down to a slumber i couldn't sleep.

I woke up to the feel of a kiss

tender to my cheek

tender to my head

awaking, expecting to see you standing at my beside.

But then realised it was air from the opening of my window.

Hours of feeling nothing but the caress of air on my skin.

Days of hearing a clock go tock

Months of phantom feelings of my second soul 

Years will be felt as the time goes by until i can hold once again 

until you can once again sleep by my side. 

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

Through the diamond and the Rough

I left you, and I shouldn't have.  

The continuous questions

How could I, Why would I  

Abandon the second soul of my being

In the darkest fields of crimson and  

That attack her pale freckled flesh  

Alone in the great war of life.

Past mistakes of drunken kisses  

Of playing in the dark like a spaniel  

with knickers in my jaws and curves in my paws

Mistakes of long-lost forgotten nights in fields in the dark

Mistakes I have long and easily forgiven.

But on this occasion, a mistake I cannot veil

On this particular subject, I cannot rest my head at night  

Until im able to reunite with my handsome flesh  

and caress her and forgive myself and close the doors.

Laying in the bed of whom used to lay beside me  

I cannot shut of my mend and continue my rest.

The past ghosts of your unforgiving, despairing moments  

But not unforgiving to you  

Unforgiving to the world  

The world that put you in the place of questions you shouldn’t have to ask.

Silent wails and roaring screams of yourself

shackled to my mind before, while and after I sleep.

What do I do dearest love of mine?

Do I place a gun to the head of the devil himself?

Do I sacrifice a goat to the darkest deity and hope

You'll be freed from your suffering  

Hope you'll wish to breathe again

Wish to stand both feet on the ground  

To wish to walk left foot in front into the future that will be.

But maybe you'll look at the string around your neck

And not think of death  

Maybe you'll think of me instead.

Think of the key that sits on your heart

Remember I will always be  

Not a matter where we will be  

with you hand and hand through the diamond and the rough.

****Joint Poetry of myself and @nathan1463hall

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

A Poem - Sixteen Years and Counting

Sixteen years of falling to my knees making snow angels in the dust.

Years of turmoil and destruction filling the empty glass

to the point it overflows with the hate of life and breathing.

The glass eventually pops - and shatters

slicing through the pink flesh and scarring the skin like sharpie to paper.

Fifteen years and counting of wondering if the world has a satanic hate 

embossed in its core for the sound of my name.

Years of the universe continuing its rituals of bad luck,

sacraficing the parts of my happy soul to the devil

causing the breathe of he himself - a reinvading darkness 

to inflict the lust of death upon the freckles of my rosey cheeks.

Fourteen years and counting remembering the curse

casted upon my past, present and future without a blink of mercy.

The curse of never ending suffering that is carried through the earths breeze

with the almost silent, chanting whispers of my name.

Continuous chanting to seal the sorrow that is stitched to my clothes

embedded in the cells of my skin 

and the melancholy touch of my finger tips.

Thirteen years and counting of hearing the screams of my naked ghosts

trembling, walking through the halls of my deserted, echoed soul.

Recalling the events that binds the ghouls to my shoulder

and the memories that shackle my ghosts to the eternal wailing cries.

Forever wishing to be bonded to another person,

wanting to be in their shadow until pink flesh becomes skeletons

until hazel eyes become empty caves that echo the past memories 

of walking hand in hand

until the golden locks that veil the opposition of my facade turn grey

in mirror and sync to whom i lay beside at night

Sixteen years and counting im still in war with my mind 

Years and still counting of the pain and suffering bewitching my soul.

However, i found my nighting gale that walks me through life

Fighting off with kicks and punches every demon that tries to hide

inside my mind, inside my soul and that appears upon my shoulder.

He never asks for anything but love from deep inside.

He fights the homicide of my heart with a grin 

and the strongest stance and a twinkle in his eye.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

Today is the day you Left.

Today is the day you left through the door

painted with deep blue also known as sorrow

and when that door was opened the world let out is breathy roar.

A roar that shook me head to toe, shook me to my core.

I felt the cries of future flesh wishing to be adored.

I remember the warm and soft caresses 

of my skin against yours

the feeling of passion and hunger and our clothed screwed on the floor.

The nakedness of your glare, with my knees bent in a square

my body starts a war with chemicals

and brings to the front the lustful feelings, right back to the shore.

Looking on your back as you walked right through the frame

the harsh breeze from the world outside whistled me your name. 

It opened up my mind and fed me heavy poison,

You see that whistle from the breeze is caused immortal treason.

Treason was held upon your name for harming ever after

You left me sat there, as good as dead and you left in fields of laughter.

You no longer cared did not of who i’d be

when you left me preying on my knees

instead your thoughts where flooded with memories newly made

mirroring memories of the days we spent, but now with that girl jade

A flee with blood and crimson lips and the longest stocky legs

and the curliest locks of all things living, in the most incandescent red. 

My mind is now stripped from clothes - and now naked and stark bare,

Set ablaze with no promises to be put out today or tonight.

No promises of re-ignition for my parts of happy soul

No promises to let me go and just plays with me like dough.

Now you are leaving and will never come back home.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

You’re here for the Bad times.

Everyone hates the bad times of your life and the world. Some people wish to distinguish the hell fire right at the foot of hell where they come from and prevent the entrance of all evils in the world. But no one ever considers, while wishing for a permanent stream of good, what actually makes the good times and good aspects of the world good? Why are the good times good?

The good times are good because they fill you up with warm hugs and butterflies after the worst day. The good times are good because they’re as warm, memorable and soft as the gummy bears left outside on the best summers day. The good times happen rarely and shock us into happiness. They come after the evils in the world invades, to make it all better.

If there was no bad in the world and in your life all there would be would be the good. If there was only good, good would be ordinary. It wouldn't be able to shine through the darkness to uplift you when you need it. Without the bad there is no good. The good times make the bad times worth it.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

A Poem - Today

Today I held the weapon 

against the nakedness of my flesh 

painting the words for help 

in my crimson liquor 

from the decaying carcuss we call flesh.

With a ladder up my arm and Imprinting on my floor 

with the puddle of tears from the deep depths of my skin.

Streaking my flesh with the marks and scarres 

with the relief of ache plastered upon my grin.

The reaper is gaining on my spine

with his hand against my shoulder

offering me candy, songs and wisdom

to follow him hand and hand 

as he escorts me to his prison.

He tells me i cannot run, cry or hide

He tells me i wont be coming back and ill never leave his sight.

He tells me he can find me ill never shift an inch

I will never be able to breathe or feel or turn to left or right

an that i will be buried and kept inside

a wooden box underneath the sky.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

My moments of reflection.

As I stride the lengths of the pier, I stare into the abstract landscape that is filled with misty lilacs and tangy oranges that gradually that fade into vibrant yellows and deep sky blues. Waves, chasing each to the shore, crashing into the rocks and tumbling into the sand. I do this often in hope that the salty smells will climb my nostrils and cleanse my dreary mind of the unfavourable thoughts. But of course, no such luck. Sometimes, I dangle my hands over the numbed iron bars that guars the pier and gaze into my reflection on the water. Searching the image for an answer to my prayers.  

Swaying, back and fourth, accompanying the wind, tipping slightly forwards over the bars, I find myself in the same situation.

I tend to ask myself the unchanging questions of ‘Why?’ or ‘How’. However, no matter how regular I come here and collect my thoughts, I never leave with an answer. Instead, I leave more confused than I was to begin with.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

The Voicemail

*You have one new message*

*Beep*

“Mum, im leaving this message

because i dont want to leave you guessing

as to why my song of an unknown meloncholy tone

will rise to the thrown

and end my adolescence.

I know you are not home

and i promise i will not leave an unturned stone

as to why this had to happen this way.

as to why you will not see me in my bed where i lay

when you return back home.

The world around me is caving in 

inflicting its darkest deities on my skin.

The wounds in my brain

run through the labrynth of my veins

as Satan watches my grin frown upon my chin.

I know you wont understand

why i gave him my soul with cash in hand

but i couldnt deal with all these past events 

that tore me into unrepairable segments.

Hold on and listen and my reason to you i will expand.

Every boy upon my gaze 

who said we were forever always

punched me and kicked me and called me cursing names.

He took me to a secrete place were he turned my clothes to flames

and played me like monopoly, scrabble and buck’a roo

and played me like a game.

He didnt listen to my cries and screams 

me telling him no! to stop!

He pushed me down, over a rock

and tied me to a tree

and until he was finished, he would not set me free.

You see mum, thats not all

thats not the only he did.

He told me that he loved me by giving me a ‘special’ gift

a gift that he though was funny and made his face lift.

he offered me a weapon to finish my life with.

Myself is another reason

another reason as to why 

I couldn’t bare the intrusive thoughts 

i couldn't deal with them no more.

They kept me awake from my slumber,

stopped me from sleeping tight

they stopped me from my day to day 

and stopped me from my studies.

they stopped me from having fun and eating my favourite food

they stopped me from a scarless skin

the skin that i once knew.

My mind, it took my beauty and my self a steam away too

It told me i was ugly

it told me i was fat

it told me to withdraw my pen and listen to the fact,

It told me one fry was too much

it told me i wasnt thin.

It drove me to the point where i couldnt leave the bin.

The bin became my bestfriend 

to help me when i got scared.

It took away all those problems with the fluids from within.

The girls at school they called me names 

they chipped at my facade.

I cried and cried and asked for help 

but couldn't take no more.

Im sorry mum 

I truly am for what i have to do

one day you'll forgive me

maybe not today 

but you will understand why im swinging from this noose.”

*The sirens they are gaining

gaining on the scene

the chest of emotion is open

with a body on the floor.

With daughter in her hands 

she watches her tears land.

She hasn’t forgiven or repaired 

from the events that day 

and her world is constantly grey*

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

A Poem - Time

Time is the shadows

the rips and stains of your once new clothes

feeding of the laughter of you party clown

casting over the fun in the sandbox in the playground

casting over your happy selfie pose

with your friends and family that you wish to never go.

Time is the decay 

of all things dead

of all things alive

making love at first sight 

welcome maggots and skeletal white.

Time is dust.

The dust that veils the grandfather-clock 

Unable to read if its time or not.

The sudden realisation of the need of goodbye 

to the one and only love of my life.

Time is the predator.

Sneaking behind your cellular structure

out of your sight

out of your mind

waiting to pounce on your from behind.

The time goes tick

in time with the clock that goes tock.

The ticking of the clock goes tock 

Until your life is not.

[seeingtheworldthroughwords]

My Occupation

Continuous, unbreakable, concentration on the thoughts that obstruct my smile. Constantly occupied with the worry of consulting every action and reaction with my mind and occupied with the overwhelming ideas of where i wish the course of my life to take. Occupied with being obsessed with the perfect body, beauty and A* grades, fighting off the intrusive thoughts and insults that ignite my depression. Eternal occupation of obsession of when my next plan of escape can come into action.