After her challenge, Karin waited for some attempt to be literally pushed out of bed. She was ready to punch him in case he tried to do that. But Suigetsu did something even worse. She definitely did not expect that answer. It was like a punch in the stomach and she kept her gaze on the ceiling resisting bravely to temptation to look into his eyes. ❝ What? ❞ She knew exactly what he was talking about but this was a desesperate attempt to buy time. That bastard had actually done that — and she just wished that a hole would open on the floor and the earth swallow her. Unfortunately it was not going to happen.
She closed her eyes. ❝ It’s time to DTR, hm? ❞ Her voice sounded softer, explosion of those bad feelings gone. Anger gave way to guilt — that damn guilt she carried and was trying to come to surface every time she looked at Suigetsu. In her mind she saw him in the water tube or trapped in the operating table… And she was the villain of story. Did he see her in his nightmares? Remember the worst details? Karin was sure he did, but lacked the courage to ask. She could not deal with the answer coming from his lips.
Where to start? She had no idea. She did not know how to express what she felt in words that were not a painful plea for apology — but she could not do it. I mean, she could, but she did not want to and that was the worst of it. How could anyone want to apologize and not apologize at the same time? Just for pride? Karin preferred to carry that guilt than to give up and say three words that could change everything — I am sorry — but until when? Did she really want to carry it with her to the grave?
She took courage and finally turned to look at him, but Suigetsu had hidden his face. If it was bad for her, it was a thousand times worse for him. It was obvious he was carrying pain with him, otherwise he would not have suddenly started it. Perhaps it would be easier to speak without looking into his eyes. ❝ You have no idea how it hurts me. Not as much as you… But that makes me suffer too. ❞ Her voice dropped lower, unconsciously making it harder to hear… But she needed to continue it. ❝ I know… No matter what I say or what I do… I’ll never be able to repair those mistakes. It’s done and… God, it hurts. ❞ She could not contain the little outburst. Her chest ached so much, breathing was almost impossible. Every word struggled to get out, but there was so much to say. She just did not know how. Karin observed him in silence for some time, feeling her eyes fill with tears. It was time. ❝ I’m sorry, Suigetsu. For real. I’m really sorry. ❞ She wanted to repeat it a million times as if made things better, but she could not. Not yet.
He finds his mind wandering during her apology, not out of boredom or disinterest, but because a reality where Karin apologizes to him for anything seems off kilter and his brain won’t just sit there and accept it.
He’s tempted to pinch himself to make sure he’s not in a genjutsu. The only problem with that is that if this is reality -- and he has an uncomfortable suspicion that it is, it’s too painfully bright to be anything but -- then he’ll be taking her confession and spitting on it. Which would be justified. She’d definitely deserve it. She doesn’t deserve forgiveness, and she’s definitely not fucking getting it, but she doesn’t really deserve to feel worse for a situation that he logically knows wasn’t entirely in her control.
That’s the conundrum, isn’t it? Some days she talks and he lets his mind wander. He slips back to his time in the tank. He used to think of her then, of bright red hair that bobbed by in a rush and never took the time to talk to him. He’d wonder how red she was on the inside and if he could some day find out. He had elaborate plans for her, how he’d find her and the ways he’d hurt her for hurting him before he finally shut her up for good.
And he still thinks of it sometimes, when the colors around him are too bright, when he feels himself becoming overwhelmed with the world. Karin can apologize all she wants, but when he finds himself slipping, she’s always the first one to go.
But he’s not stupid. She can call him that all she wants but it’ll never be true. He’s smart enough to understand that there are layers to this. Even if he denies her apology, what does he get from it? An outburst of chaos and a vicious mania that will last for days, if her last few fits are any indicator.
He realizes she’s done and he still hasn’t spoken. Suigetsu moves his arm from his face, now fully visible to her. What a weird fucking moment this is.
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