Beneath The Boardwalk

Grace, 21. Canada. Transferring into Linguistics (finally). I swear too much for a church girl. Things I like: Arctic Monkeys, video games, skateboarding, Olan Rogers, Parks&Rec, Adventure Time, Steven Universe, animation related things, art, funny stuff. I...

[semaphore-hearts]

I hope this is just an emotional quarter life crisis because I’m food deprived and that this won’t come true, but I think it will 2019/05/03

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have to break up with you and that it’s really going to fucking suck

Whenever I feel depressed, I want to break up and that’s not right, right?

Whenever you mention a future together with kids, I panic and that’s not right, right?

When we talked about hypothetically getting engaged right then and there, you said you would and I did too but I was scared on the inside and that’s not right

When I say I love you I feel affection for you but my heart doesn’t beat faster, i don’t blush when you look at me

When we hold hands in public I panic because I feel like people will see, and that’s not how someone feels when they’re in love with their partner

Was I ever in love with you?

I really hope so

But it’s even worse knowing that I fell out of love

Is it selfish that I want to stay close to you? I want to still talk to you, I want to care for you, I want to be in your life but I’m so fucking sorry that I can’t be the one you marry

But I hide things from you - that’s not love, if i was in love with you there would be no need to hide anything from you at all and that’s not right

I wish I was what you wanted

I wish you were what I wanted

I’m so happy that you know what you want. You want children in before 30, you want a career that’s financially stable, you want to be married before then.

I don’t, and it breaks me that I can’t see a future with you because I can’t even see my own future

So how can we be together if I don’t even know what I want?

I’m sorry that I told you we sometimes felt more like best friends than girlfriends when you were away, hoping and convincing myself you would agree but you started crying and then I realised I was wrong, because you’re in love with me

I wish I could do this without hurting you, but I know it will and I’m so sorry that it will

I want us to stay best friends, because I’m selfish and I’m afraid of losing you but I’m even more afraid of hurting you by keeping you close

I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to sweep all my concerns under the rug anymore, but then I couldn’t and now I’m not ready for our dynamic to change tomorrow, but I know that I can’t stay with you

I’m even more worried that I’ll stay with you and we will get married, and we will have kids and I will regret not leaving you earlier for you to find someone who can love you more than I could ever imagine

Everyone around us told us how strong we are, how we seem like we will last forever and i believed them because we get along so well

but when you cry i don’t know how to comfort you properly and feel detached, when you are anxious i hold my breath until it’s finally over and hope you go back to normal again, so i can leave and go home and spend time by myself

When I wake up in the morning, I wait until you message me good morning first because I’d rather go on the internet than talk to you. you are not the first thing i think of in the morning

I’m not in love with you, am I?

[semaphore-hearts]

oh fuck i think i’m gonna bail

I thought i was ok, like it’s been 7 months but i watched a video that my friend linked me and it fucked me up hard. i didn’t know i’d get fuckingn triggered like this. i didn’t even know that i would get this way. no heart pound when it happened, no gut punch. how can it be that my mind is so clear but the tears won’t stop? was this always hidden, deep in my subconscious? fuck. am i fucked like this forever? now it just feels like i’m crying for no reason and i hate this. i want to be angry about this to make the tears about this stop, but i’m really just frustrated that i’m suddenly affected to this degree. andddd this is why i can’t do it for the foreseeable future. 

mother

fucker

it’s like bitch you thought you was ok? you were doing good? haha fuck you noooopppeeee fuck punched now you’re freaking out ayyyy

i’ll be ok, once the feeling passes.

[semaphore-hearts]

track 4: chevy sonic// 05.01.17

I miss you. Logically it makes sense in my mind - but my heart hasn’t caught up yet. I keep checking to see if you’ve updated your blog or snap, for some way to keep you in my life. I need time. But the waiting, that’s always the hard part, isn’t it? Keeping busy and staying up too late because the fear of thinking about you when I lay in the dark is something I dread. Living in my memories. The good ones. The time we spent together, the quiet nights in, your laugh. The way I could make you so happy. Then the bad stuff comes surging back and I drown in it, forcing a bitter taste in my mouth, and guts me from the inside. The anxiety of our impending end. The stress of worrying about your health. The hurt - that one gets me the most. 

I wonder if you’re better off than me right now because I want you to be but I want me to be done with the grieving and better than you so I can feel unaffected when I see you again. I keep asking you how you’re doing but you have a hard time answering, being a figment of my daydreams.

Maybe it’s best that we don’t talk. Would it make this worse? I miss you. That’s why we can’t be friends right now. I think I’m trying so hard to keep the memories alive because I’m worried you won’t open up to me the same way anymore, as friends. I hope you do. But time isn’t forgiving when you’re picturing someone else living. And I can’t let time pass me by like this anymore. Less sad, more action. Need to start doing productive things.

[semaphore-hearts]

Thinkin’ Bout You// 04.13.17

We weren’t forever, I know that. It ate me from the inside whenever I thought about it. About nye. But I pushed it down, because you love me. How could love be wrong? Whenever we were apart I would doubt my feelings for you, and it made me realize how insecure I was about our relationship and how I really felt about you. My love for you, my love for you was quiet, it was mundane. Loving you was good but... Something was missing. If I’m in love with you, why did I not feel fulfilled? Why didn’t our time together feel memorable? Your presence quelled the storm in my mind, but it would always come back at night.

I was always waiting for it to end, from the beginning. 

So when you said we needed to talk, why couldn’t I sleep? I ran through 8 different scenarios about why we needed to talk, but deep down I knew it’s because we couldn’t be together anymore. You drew back from me, and that hurt. Two weeks with ignored texts, that hurt. It made me feel clingy and I had to justify to myself that I shouldn’t want to talk to you all the time, but... Isn’t that what a relationship is all about? But I know it’s because you had to process everything, and that’s ok with me now. You came by with with a paragraph typed up, explained yourself and cried. We hugged. You gave me a chocolate from your hometown, and left after twenty minutes. I should have cried too. But.. I am relieved that we finally ended. You weren’t forever.

Deep down though, I know this is for the best. You were a lot of my firsts, but knowing you weren’t forever made me hesitant to fully give everything to you. This still hurts, though. Knowing we won’t ever be together again. You were my first, and you’re going to stay as my last. I’m happy for you! I truly am. You’ll make a wonderful nurse. You’re going to help so many people. I’m so, so proud of you. In my mind, I always said I’d be whatever you needed me to be. You needed a lover, so that’s what I did. Now you need a friend, and I can give you that. But nothing more, ever again. I’m in search of a real love. What we had was close, but it wasn’t enough. I yearned for you to understand me more than you could. Even though that wouldn’t be you anymore. And that was never fair to you, I’m sorry. fuck now I’m just crying in the dark typing this out listening to frank. I don’t know what’s worse, that I’m affected by you or that I wish I wasn’t. I’m going to miss being with you like that. But it’s for the best. it’s for the best.

---

And then... there’s You.

 You gave me time that I prayed - begged for. You let me have my fun. I could hear You, even when we were together, “Come back to Me. When this is all over, come back to Me.” I squinted and said “Stay out of this. Give me more time, I’m not ready yet.” You gave us so many opportunities to share with each other, and we’ve reached our deadline. Six months, just enough to get a taste of love but without the long term investment I dreaded. You knew I’d let it drag out, so You made the decision for us. Now I have to do what You want. Thank you for letting me have this experience. It’s time. 

I love you. I always will.

[weavemama]

GORDON RAMSEY’S TWITTER CRITIQUES IS WHAT WE NEED IN TIMES LIKE THIS 

[alonelylostdisc-deactivated2023]

OH MY GODDDDD LMAOOO

[vanillish-deactivated20211102]

[sallysdurants]

[shit-before-the-shovel]

THIS IS THE BEST THING SINCE JESUS

[lauramercierbodyscrub]

SHE HAS THE BEST LAUGH

[astronemma]

Seen on the wall of the MPhys office

[victorblinkenstein]

My masters program had no thesis requirement. The snakes came in waves.

[lookingforanepiphany]

Keith Haring in 1989: “Unfinished Painting”. Haring died few months after and this is his last painting. This is supposed to be a self-portrait. Haring knew he wouldn’t have enough time to finish it. This is one of the saddest but certainly the most powerful thing I’ve ever seen.

[auntbutch]

to clarify: this is a finished self portrait. haring did know that he would be unable to continue to work; this “unfinished” painting refers to that self-consciously as a visualization of how the aids crisis and government neglect robbed him of his life and future career.

i feel like this distinction is important? there are many artists who died due to hiv/aids and left unfinished work, but haring made this specifically to comment on his impending death. i feel like stating that it’s actually unfinished takes away some of his agency as an artist/activist/pwa and the political power of the work. 

[lesbianjamies]

[semaphore-hearts]

If I Believe You(will that make it stop)// 05.29.16

... And so the cards were dealt. For once, I finally looked at them.

How foolish of me, to believe I didn’t need you. I guess it was true, everything I feared... I made up from living inside my head. The night terrors of perceived expectations, of I-told-you-so’s, they were non-existent. That night (the night), and the morning after, I told my mom. She was overjoyed. You broke me down, and built me up again. And you know what?

I’ve never been so happy. At peace. No longer sedate. My soul, which was once crushed, has been lifted to you. How it took me so long to finally look at you, and to listen, because of my pride. My stubbornness. Because of The Fear. How utterly foolish of me. I tried to be someone I wasn’t, to fit in with a group that I didn’t belong in.  A White Teeth Teen, Lorde. You knew that, and so you kept calling me. But I didn’t listen.

I’m sorry.

-

Things are different now, and different in a good way. I’m still growing, but the past five months have been the most I’ve grown in years. Sometimes I still feel the struggle, the push-and-pull between you and what the world wants, what they expect of me. In the long run, it doesn’t really matter. I’m finally happy.

So here’s me asserting my confidence in You. I was so ashamed of You for years, of my own identity as a Christian because of people belittling my faith as a 2000 year old book, or as a flying spaghetti monster. My voice was silenced, oppressed. I couldn’t speak up. I even went along with them, joking about You. Shaming You. Just to fit in. But that could never compare to this feeling, this feeling of utter peace and joy. Not once, in my life until these past five months have I ever felt it. My head is no longer a stream of negativity, nor does it need to be filled with distractions to avoid the Sneaky Hate Spiral.

It’s gone. Just like that. No more late night visits, no more overstayed welcomes. I haven’t seen it in 5 months. You made it go away.

Maybe it really is because I’ve grown as a person, too. But I can’t help but feel You guided me to this point. My thought process has changed. Mom says I’m happier. My friends told me I’m “me” again, and no longer acting weird. It was a struggle getting here. 4,5 years of self-loathing, living in my head. But you know what? It was worth it to get here. You’re worth it.

-

You know, my parents always asked me since I was 13 that I should get baptized. And I always avoided it, because I felt like I didn’t really “get” You yet, and getting baptized like that would cheapen the experience. I wasn’t “filled with the holy spirit”, or “worshipping Jesus” or anything like that, so I avoided it. Baptism is a public declaration of your faith, and no way in hell am I going to do that.

Guess things have changed, cause I’m getting baptized in the fall.

Funny how things work out in life.

[inspirationalinsider-deactivate]

[bundyspooks]

this vine of an animated skeleton has a warning for sensitive content

[trjoel]

White people

[bhba51690-deactivated20201219]

omg this is so accurate

[blkbutchprincess-blog]

This is one of the funniest videos on the Internet

[resilient22]

Cuz African don’t have any countries or cities. 😂😂😂

[undertheskin2013]

[mioxenoblade]

A jandle

[apple-carts-deactivated20171115]

[pressuregauge]