no really

dont fuck it up

[semi-anonyme]

I’ll leave this blog with this last post, may edit the one before this because it has some funny wording.

I am anxious and my heart is uneasy. I am hoping to wake up tomorrow... the world a bit better than it is today.

Signing off -- November 3, 2020 @ 8:12pm EST

[semi-anonyme]

November 3, 2020

12:05pm

I woke up at 7:00am today and I knew a few things: 1.) I would buy a Vitamix and begin to make smoothies every day 2.) I would stop holding onto the past 3.) It would be my last entry on this tumblr

Today, it is Election Day. I am very much hoping Joe Biden will win, not just for my sanity but for everyone’s sanity, for a little hope in humanity’s fight against the allure of anti-intellectualism, scapegoating, its growing tolerance of hate.

I remember the last election day, or rather, the evening. We all thought Hillary would win uneventfully. I remember my colleague dipping out of work early to go to the Javits Center to celebrate her victory. I remember watching in disbelief from my basement computer, walking upstairs with my eyes wide and jaw dropped. “Are you watching the news right now Mike?” “Yeah, Trump is in the lead. It looks like he’s about to win Pennsylvania (or was it Michigan? Or Wisconsin?)” I walked to bed in disgust, woke up in disgust, confirmed my disgust.

There was not one conversation I heard on the train or in the street that day that didn’t involve Trump. That night, I drank alone at Three Diamond Door. I still remember the buff black dude sitting in the corner downing Bell’s Two Hearted IPAs.

Anyway, election day 2020. I’m going out to vote in about 2 hours. I got today off. Thanks, progressive companies.

I’ve had a lot of internal discussions with myself on here, published them as blog posts. I have timestamps to remember them by, I’m glad. In the past ~8 months since the pandemic began, I’ve gone back to a lot of my entries -- oh, this is what it was like in the beginning in March. Oh yes, May, I was indeed watching a lot of K-Dramas, it was getting hotter. Ahhh yes, I did learn a lot about not having the city as my crutch.

Just in general, on this blog, on the countless loose leaf papers in my journal, I’ve had these battles about meaning. This blog pre-dates seeing Jody my therapist, who I’ve been seeing faithfully for over 1.5 years now.

I could go on. The point I’m making rn in this last entry is this -- all that stuff is in the past, it was important, I internalized it. Now it’s time to move on. I’m glad this exists, these 450 entries exist, they exist with a purpose. But now? I know who I am, what I want to be.

I have no dilemma of engineering vs artistry. Now that I’ve been away from loud bars, I have no FOMO about the nightlife. It’s kinda just time to start from scratch, this knowledge.

I just created a new tumblr, domo-knows. I’ll likely have a companion YouTube channel in the future. Anyway, a few and somewhat ambiguous bullets for myself since, you know, this blog was always just for me.

ON THINGS I’M LEAVING BEHIND ACTIONS 1. Random drinking. Today, I’m going to buy an Other Half Finback IPAs, pop them open around 8pm and start watching election results. I’ve gone into detail before about drinking, but just to sum it up, drinking alcohol is the one thing I can say captures how complex and funny it is being a human -- how we use it socially, justify it, cling onto it, how it becomes tangled up in our highest achievements and our most shameful insecurities. I’ve consumed alcohol for these various reasons in my life:

a.) I was avoiding doing something difficult b.) I didn’t want to be alone in my room, and preferred the loud chatter of conversations and music at a cramped bar c.) I did not trust my social abilities sober, so I drank alcohol because I’ve never known anyone who has not liked me when I’ve had a couple (when I’m shit-faced, another story) d.) To hook up with a girl e.) I was bored f.) I was about to do something boring and wanted to make it more exciting g.) Because it was a beautiful sunny day, perfect for a beer on a patio h.) Because it was a cold and dreary day, perfect to brood over a Manhattan i.) I was lonely j.) My life was going too well, I wasn’t used to that, and I needed something to question k.) My life was going poorly, and I needed something to cheer me up for the evening l.) I needed to make a decision, so I drank alcohol and wrote in my journal and came to a good decision that I stuck with m.) I needed to make a decision, so I drank alcohol until I no longer cared, and the decision was punted off until the next day n.) I I needed to make a decision, I thought a drink or two would jigger my thought process, but I ended up getting distracted by something my drunk self was interested in, and the decision was punted off until the next day I’d come up with more but they’re all just variations of that and who wants to read more of that? 2. Eating sugary sweets, justifying it by saying I have “an addiction” I actually never cared for sweets until high school. Most birthday cake I had was gross, my parents bought Chips Ahoy or Oreos which tbh aren’t all that great, and I was never exposed to really good pastries until I was in college. In high school, I dropped a buncha weight entirely too quickly and I ended up with a fats and sweets “addiction” that I’ve “had ever since”. This is a common thing.

I’ve held it close to me mentally -- my “sweets addiction”. I didn’t question it, it was something I just had, something to hang onto for the rest of my life because I fucked up when I was younger.

But as I’ve gotten older, I understand that these things -- addictions -- serve purposes. They keep us comfortable in what we deem to be true of ourselves. They (poorly) provide temporary breaks from incessant mental gymnastics/fatigue. Anyway, blah blah, big sweeping declarations, blah blah, I’ve done that all before. But when I woke up today, I knew I would get a Vitamix like I’ve been talking about for years, and I made a decision to stop holding onto this. I always eat 2 meals a day with a wild west assortment of things in between, cake and cookies and granola bars and Halloween candy. Now, 2 meals and a protein smoothie/juice.

Let them muscles grow bb. Feel good about my body, treat it like the fucking temple it is.

3. Dicking around on the internet I enjoy reddit. I enjoy wikipedia. I also end up on these sites when I’m avoiding other major responsibilities and uncomfortable feelings. I know what I want: it involves a lot of deep practice. I could read about programming all day and I’d be fascinated -- you know, the history of Silicon Valley, Introduction to the Rust Programming language, new JavaScript frameworks, discussions on HackerNews about The Best Way to Build Something. But nothing beats getting your hands dirty. Nothing beats poring over source code, running into strange errors, resolving them, moving on, over and over ad nauseam until lo-and-behold, you are an expert.

I can read about music, listen to raps over and over, but nothing beats analyzing a verse over and over and actually hearing the syllables landing on, falling behind the beat.

I’m here to structure my day. I know what I want. Expertise, pride, and know-how. A differentiated skillset so I can collaborate with other differentiated skillsets. Good taste, a feeling of belonging. All that shit, all I ever wanted but didn’t know until recently. THOUGHT PATTERNS 1. FOMO What is it with being a human -- a Man, especially (sorry is that sexist, but also, not sorry) -- that makes us believe that everyone has everything we have and more? That we are the base model without power windows, and everyone else is an upgrade? I love going on walks in New York City. I love riding the trains in New York City. But while some of this love is healthy spectatorship, much of what I’ve engaged in is unhealthy envy.

I’m done with that though. I know what I like. And I know I have a dope life. And I know that I’m a good person to know, that people may have different qualities than me but I also have different qualities from them. I’m cool with my small close-knit friends. 2. INDECISION I kinda expanded on this above. I know what I want, and all questioning I’ve done (especially recently) has been my effort to save myself from doing the work, save myself from having to declare what I am. 3. ENGAGING IN FEELINGS OF BEING LATE I am 31 years old. This is something I know to be true: there is a 13-year old who can program circles around me. There is a kid who can play a rendition of Misty on piano so soulful that it’ll bring a tear to my eye. There is nothing, technically (as in, technical expertise), that I can do that can’t be done by anyone else. But I do believe in my taste and I do believe in my life experiences. And I do believe that whatever I create can only be mine, have my signature, and I think that whatever I create in this world that I’m proud of is going to be good. That’s a fact, and I’m going into the future with that as a fact.

Farewell, semi-anonyme Anyway, I was going to write more but I wanna get going, more to do. I’ve got some work to do, some voting to do, some writing to do, some planning to do.

I love you all. See you on the other side.

[semi-anonyme]

November 2, 2020

11:46am

Random notes to expand upon after work

THINGS I’M MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO

1.) NON-COMPULSION, NON-ADDICTION I have a task on my calendar. I want to do it. I do it. It’s easy, there’s no questioning. It might have some tough parts, but I do it again the next time it’s on my calendar

2.) PRIDE Being able to take pride and ownership; I know what I’m working on, I share with people what I’m working on, and it’s easy.

3.) SOLACE I’m not questioning my performance at work because it’s top notch; I’m not questioning my creative output because the habit takes care of itself; I’m not questioning my fitness or diet because my schedule, my intake, and of course the results don’t lie.

[semi-anonyme]

October 31, 2020 10:41am

Things I’m working on:

1. A big programming project 2. Learning how to let myself be creative 3. Fitness stuff

Part I: Introduction (other video) Part II: What I’m working on a summary (this video) Part III: What I’m working on in detail (going to film later) Part IV: What I struggle with (going to film next)

(Write out a summary after)

[semi-anonyme]

October 31, 2020 10:41am This tumblr is not a flex I woke up this morning and realized, “what... am I doing? I have this tumblr so that I can document my life honestly, that’s all it’s for, and I haven’t been doing that” So here we go. I kinda lose track from 3:00 to 4:05ish but it’s all good. Part I: Introduction (this video) Part II: What I’m working on a summary (next video) Part III: What I’m working on in detail (going to film later) Part IV: What I struggle with (going to film next) Write out a summary after

[semi-anonyme]

October 30, 2020

2:51pm

Just a note to self, I was thinking about actions independent in themselves. I programmed for an hour, chose not to spend money going out. Sometimes it feels like a drag.

Then I thought about my bank account, a couple of bucks extra. Having a goal -- extra, what $X,XXX. Make it a game. Bam -- the $10k/$20k/$30k/$100k then...

[semi-anonyme]

October 28, 2020

9:29am

day 6

did my morning pages, fit in an hour of programming, mostly finishing up my login flow chart. It’s already proven useful and in the last 15 minutes of my programming session I was consulting it to see where I should add the conditionals. This top part of the chart os reflected

In this part of the server code (there’s some frontend stuff I need to work on too)

Anyway, that’s pretty dope. I ran 3 miles yesterday, wanted to quit after 2, but persisted. Gotta take advantage of that weather, man...

Something that’s just been going through my head is this hopeful expectation. “when does it - inspiration and knowing - just hit? when does it just feel good and everything flows through me and it’s satisfying and easy?”

The thing is, it’s never going to be like that. Waiting for inspiration is a loser’s game -- you do what you know to be right, feel satisfied in that, and over time you go “goddamn, I did that wow I wanna do some more it was fun”.

Blah. A bit of rambling. I’m a bit more drowsy today than I was yesterday morning, I woke up at 6:30am and read about the Dodgers winning the World Series.

I’ll pick it up though. I’ll pick it up.

[semi-anonyme]

October 27, 2020

9:12am

day 3/4/5

I had a chill Saturday evening and a not-so-great Sunday where I got very little rest.

Yesterday was Monday. I lay in bed yesterday at 8:30pm reading, not looking at electronics with the intention of falling asleep early and waking up early.

I woke up at 5:45am with a legit 8.5+ hours of sleep. I did some calisthenics, did The Artist’s Way for an hour, just finished an hour of programming (or... non-programming).

I started writing this flow chart for my app. There have been times I’ve felt bad that my app has been taking so long. And then I started making this and I saw, oh shit, this is way more complicated than I had anticipated. I’m still drawing it in, finding different flows.

Anyway. I’ve done a bunch already, been thinking thinking thinking. I always return back to 2014 when I learned how to code and trained for a marathon and worked weekends as a rosy time in my life. I felt it was temporary but maybe that was never meant to be temporary? I feel pretty damn good right now. On other days I’d be rolling out of bed in like 20 minutes.

Murakami writes from 5am to 9am, goes on a walk, writes more in the afternoon and goes on a run.

Sounds a lot like my 2014?

I’m thinking right now about how I need very little. But needing very little doesn’t mean being frugal or boring -- for me, personally, I guess it means that there are only a few things in my life that are important and I want to throw all my time, money, and energy in those things. It took a while to realize that.

I do not seek -- I am sought.

One person I admire so much is Kevin Parker. He said it: Solitude is Bliss.

Why do we think that famous people must have tons of friends? Isn’t concentration more than just a state of mind but a way of life? There are things that are important and things that are unimportant. If everything is !important than nothing is.

Random, off the top of my head. I hear my stomach growling, but black coffee and an empty stomach are the best tools for productivity.

For week 4 of The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron has us going through a reading detox. Just this morning, I read that Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed, Mitch McConnell has issued a recess until post-election. I’m just so fucking angry. I’m just so fucking angry about things I cannot do anything about, so maybe this is the perfect time. I turned off personal email notifications + NYTimes push notifications. In my chrome browser, I’m dedicating myself to “star mode”, which will only allow me to go to work related sites. I’ll just post here to tumblr and turn on star mode right after.

A passage from The Artist’s Way I printed and put on my pinboard

A little bit of encouragement -- in week 4 Julia Cameron mentions tastes might be changing... looking around at my room, I can definitely see that is the case.

Anyway.

[semi-anonyme]

October 25, 2020

8:26am

I want to screenprint a sweater that reads

  I Love

Meg Ryan

  Always

   And

Forever

[semi-anonyme]

https://images.craigslist.org/00l0l_ik8DHPb6Tke_0t20CI_1200x900.jpg

https://images.craigslist.org/00n0n_dJqq8UcBWX4_0t20CI_1200x900.jpg

another edition of cute apartments from people on brooklyn craigslist

[semi-anonyme]

October 24, 2020

12:23pm

day 2.

I woke up a little late, a little shitty. I kinda don’t want to go on this run later, probably around 2, but I will do it and I’ll probably feel like a champ.

I was writing my morning pages earlier and then I remembered... the whole purpose with this blog is to document my changes, but I’ve been mum on things, waiting for things to “feel good” before I let myself take any pride. But, you know, that’s complete bullshit because I’ve started and it’s in the beginning that it’s most useful to document things.

I worked on my programming project for 2 hours and 40 minutes yesterday, fit in 1 hour this morning, and I’ll try to squeeze in another hour before heading over to see my girl.

Something that I’ve been definitely avoiding thinking about is my finances. I’ve spent a bunch of money these past 3 months and paid my bills but I’ve really ignored looking at my accounts, but ultimately, I know that I have to make some long term plans so that I can look forward to things. You don’t just accidentally buy an apartment, you don’t just accidentally move to Paris -- these things take a lot of planning and I gotta be cool.

So yeah, that’s what I’m going to do right now, look at my accounts, see the damage, probably a couple of avoidable finance charges that are going to make my blood boil -- but either I look at them now or never.

Anyway. Besides that though the weight is kinda going so-so, I’m yo-yo-ing a bit between 151 and 148 and I dislike it but, you know, I have to make the adjustments.

No guilt. I’m here, I’m alive, I’m breathing.

On a positive note though, fuck, when programming is going well (as it has been these past few sessions) it’s just so fun. I love building shit.

[semi-anonyme]

October 23, 2020

11:06am

Day 1. I've said this a lot, but no one reads this, it's all for me, day 1

I've already run 10 miles this week. Will probably be a bit more next week. I soak my brain in endorphins like chicken in a brine, readying myself for something special.

I'm going to let my mind flow a little bit. I think about where I am in my life, career, knowledge, and relationships. I enjoy my job, and I think I should be really fucking good at it, because being really fucking good at it both makes it more enjoyable + makes me more recession proof. And shit, if I spend 40+ hours a week doing something, it might as well be really cool.

I'm thinking about creativity. There's a reason that I'm going through The Artist's Way, writing my daily morning pages, doing exercises that reach into the past and explore when I started censoring myself. I am going to be an excellent writer, one day my fiction and most certainly I will let myself explore my lyricism. Explore for the sake of exploring.

I posted that Kevin Parker video yesterday as he talks about drums. I love his passion. He has opinions about why he loves what he loves and how he has implemented them in his own creativity.

I'm thinking about flipping processes on the head, you know. You know that trope in TV, a family on a road trip through the sun baked desert, the kid staring out the window who keeps asking his parents "Are We There Yet?". If every point in your own process you ask, "Am I There Yet?" you're always going to be disappointed -- your outlook is still stuck in the idea that there is a destination that's higher than the process.

But I've been thinking a little bit too about the term "trusting the process" and "having faith". I believe in these things, but also, if you're constantly telling yourself to "trust the process" and "have faith", it's important to take a step back and ask yourself if your mind is actually still stuck on a destination.

This is it, baby. Right now. It's fun and interesting and never started being more interesting when you knew more.

So yeah, I want to be really fucking good at the things I do but also just live a life where I'm balanced out. There are times when I think of balanced out and I'm thinking "equal parts working with my hair on fire and laying on a beach" but no, that's definitely not it. I'm not a person who really likes relaxing -- I meditate in doing things. The most passive I actually enjoy being is absorbing a medium, a book or a great movie. I imagine myself working in solitude followed by a long run followed by reading a long novel and then taking out a pen to handwrite letters to my loved ones.

That's all... coming out. I say day 1. I'm a little behind on The Artist's Way this week, I definitely have to do some more writing + my artist date. My camera, my camera, and my mic.

I was exploring django channels documentation yesterday -- https://github.com/django/channels_redis/blob/master/channels_redis/core.py#L296-L332

It's funny. Back when I learned to code in 2014, I was always excited to comb through open source projects -- one day, one day I'll be a good enough programmer to understand these things! But 6 years later I see the documentation and so much of that is still complete magic to me. You don't have to know the implementations to use things. Clearly I've become a better programmer and have had like 4 raises but it's all still magic.

You know, letting myself be creative means also letting myself explore my curiosity without the baggage of "I should know this by now, oh God 13 y/o programmer can run circles around me etc.,. etc.,."

Django, wsgi, asgi, the react internals, JavaScript and new specifications... these are also my art. I love it, and I'm going to keep exploring baby. I'm going to keep exploring.

Something I wrote in my morning pages, an approach to life: Get so fucking lost in what it is I'm doing that I forget to eat, it's not about having faith it's about exploring your curiosity. Relaxation? Who needs to relax? Just dive into another form of creation and stimulation.

Back to work

[semi-anonyme]

damn. inspiring. I just love his passion.

[semi-anonyme]

October 20, 2020

8:00am

Ooh gotta work on my program rn but I just wanted to write this out.

I was feeling hella anxious last night, energy levels had dipped. It was 7:30pm and I felt like I had so much to do. It’s a familiar feeling I have, but I realized that there was nothing that was actually “of the moment” -- I decided to eat, sit in bed, read, not look at my electronics, be asleep by 11, set an alarm for 6.

There’s a funny thing about 6:00am that I’ve experienced before. When you’re up and questioning your life at 2:00am, everything hits a little harder because you’re like, “well, here I am, up at 2:00am questioning things”. When you’re up at 6:00am questioning things it’s like, “well, but at least I’m up with the entire day ahead of me”. It’s hard not to be a little more optimistic when you’ve started your day with a win, you know.

I want 8:00am to be my programming hour, every day, where without fail there I am with my text editor open just grinding shit.

Here goes.

[semi-anonyme]

https://mobile.twitter.com/brigittemontes/status/558813887408009216

Twitter

One of my fav wholesome memes of all time

[semi-anonyme]

I like my room now

[semi-anonyme]

Top-tier commentary from the cameraman

Posted in r/PublicFreakout by u/WeakDiaphragm • 24,353 points and 955 comments

lol god damn it got on reddit again but also