On A Quest To Feel Again

Some chick from Cali.

[senpai-notice-mee]

The end of 2025, so happy to be here on this planet with you. Changed my whole life baby. TIL death do us part 🫶🏽

[senpai-notice-mee]

This year…for the first year in a very long time, I don’t want to die.

I realized something the other day and I have been thinking about it for some time. I realize in my adulthood now, my perspective of love has changed so much because of you. I thought manipulation was love, I thought jealousy was love, I thought obsession was love, control was love. These traits were in my relationships, constantly checking their social media, controlling who they talk to, fighting to the point of physical contact, being secretive to protect their feelings…This was in my family situation, not being allowed to leave the house, essentially being enslaved by my mother, thinking her control over me meant she cared…I could go on. I thought this was how love should be, and I carried it into the beginning of our relationship. I sincerely apologize for that.

What you’ve shown me is a love so damn pure. When I’m at my lows, you’re there for me in the ways that I need. Whether that’s making dinner when I’m asleep in depression, supporting me when others make me feel discouraged. I would say patience but you kinda have to work on that LOL. but in all seriousness. I have learned to trust more, control less, never keep information from you, etc. my love is not a weakness, I was just giving it out to the wrong people.

The love you show me has changed my life. It is because now that I know love is like this, that I realize the abuse in other aspects of my life. You gave me the strength to walk away from relationships that do not serve me, like the one with my mother. If it weren’t for you, I would never have grown in this way.

I know we joke a lot, but just know my love I trust you not only in our relationship but with my life. I haven’t done anything during my 34 years to deserve this…I can’t think of one thing…but I am so damn grateful that you came into my life not just as my best friend but my husband, and future father of my children. I say it 20 times a day but I never mean it any less…

I love you so much

You changed my will to live baby 🥹 #7

[senpai-notice-mee]

Suicide is in my bucket list for 2023. If this is my last post …show my friends and family and husband so they know i been thinking about it already and it’s nothing they coulda done.

Ok bai

[senpai-notice-mee]

One day and there’s already a thousand things I would have told you by now.

[demoralised]

[senpai-notice-mee]

Two choices. Go eat or kill myself. Still debating.

[senpai-notice-mee]

I like to come on here and share how much I’d like to kill myself but haven’t yet. Maybe one day I’ll come on here and share that I am finally happy

[senpai-notice-mee]

June 9th 2021

I remember the doctors coming in around 10:00 pm for another ultrasound. It was two nurses making sure the baby looked good (which the baby was perfect perfect). I asked if we could know the gender since I didn’t think we were going to make it to the anatomy scan. She said yes, and during the ultrasound she says to my fiancé “Dad, do you recognize what that is?” I was honestly surprised to have a sweet baby boy inside of me! I should have figured with how playful he was being. Kicking like a soccer star in my stomach. Making sure that I knew he was still alive and well.

After the nurses left. I broke down. I knew I had a first son in me and deep down I knew we wouldn’t bring him home. After a good cry, we chose a name. Ryu like the street fighter because this baby was fighting so hard to stay alive. I miss that moment. When everything was still unsure. Being (semi) happy that we had a baby boy we created. Being mostly ashamed I knew I would not be giving him his first son.

Little moments from the hospital play in my head almost every day. I’m so tired. I’m so depressed. I don’t know what to even do with my life anymore sometimes.

[senpai-notice-mee]

2022

Still wanna kill myself

[senpai-notice-mee]

Back at it again

With the suicidal thoughts lol

[senpai-notice-mee]

Hi there. I want to die. Message complete. Goodbye

[senpai-notice-mee]

Today was a day I will never forget. I wish I could have met you my love. I will never forget the thought of you and how happy everyone was to meet you. You made everyone’s heart grow ten times bigger. Thank you for bringing my family closer together ❤️ love love love ❤️

[senpai-notice-mee]

Again? Baby, why don’t you want me to be your mommy? I promise I will be so good to and and try my hardest to make sure you have everything you need in life to follow your dreams. I know I’m loud sometimes but that’s just me. I will keep the volume down if that’s why! I will do anything at all, if you just stay next time. I wanted to meet you so bad. You were my rainbow baby. I just don’t understand why nobody wants me to hold them in my tummy. I love you and I love your brother or sister before. Please work together to bless our family with another baby next year ♥️♥️♥️ I love you so much

[senpai-notice-mee]

This time you were my son. My perfectly healthy baby boy. Why don’t you guys want me to be your mommy what’s wrong with me? I don’t want to live if I can’t be a mommy

[senpai-notice-mee]

Hi there. I want to die. Message complete. Goodbye

[senpai-notice-mee]

Omg just logged into tumblr first time this year lol anyone else still there??

[gay-irl]

[birlinterrupted]

I am abt to lose my fuckin mind because I happened upon this gender reveal party. and like it’s soo over the top expensive

And like I’m like. Oh great, a horse themed gender reveal party.

complete with like … just truly excessive foods and of course, themed cocktails

and this sign which like… the fragility of like *not* italicizing the word ‘colt’. Like imagine being this weird abt gender

with like, a bucket that eventually ‘revealed’ the gender

But like… the picture that really just completely undid me, for this party which surely was more money than many weddings -

it’s not a horse themed gender reveal party. It’s a gender reveal party FOR A HORSE. I can’t even like imagine the life that would lead to hosting a gender reveal party for a not-yet-born horse. Think abt getting an invitation to this. the cis are at it again.

[homietwt]

alien