goodnight, bizzy

15 yo | digital diary Just a teenage girl obsessed with kawaii culture!

[sensitivenicorn]

"I feel like i lived most of my life in my imagination"

I love creating stories. I spend all day creating stories; I can spend hours working on a short story, a scenario, anything. I'm kind of a daydreamer.

I believe a life should be a story; that means your life is interesting cause it can be told in a movie, serie, video on youtube, etc. My problem is that I don't know what story I should tell with my life.

I feel like my whole life is a loop and my story can't start yet. I barely remember anything from my past. I don't know how to express myself. I don't know where to begin telling my story. Has it even begun yet? Is going to begin soon? I dont wanna be 30 and still waiting for my story...I wish it would start now. I'm already 15 years old. I can't keep wasting my life like this.

At least i have a backstory, is not really interesting thought, but it can be if i put detail on it. But, for now, im going to be quick with it.

In my childhood, I was a strange but noisy girl. I played with the other kids in my school, but they didn't really like me as a friend, or as a person itself. They bullied me, and I always felt excluded by everyone around me, i always felt left out. It was as if I didn't belong in this universe. Sometimes I felt invisible, other times I felt like everyone hated me, and other times I thought they were just jealous. It was unbearable, and as time went on, I became quieter and more shy. Simply by staying silent, I avoid awkward situations and strange regrets.

That would be my past summed up in a few words. I think I should know how to articulate it better, but I don't think it's enough for a decent story. I don't even have an anecdote that would work for a movie plot.

But with this blog, I know I'll find a story. I'll leave all my thoughts here, and I'll tell you what happens to me (only if it's worth it). I'll become an internet legend with my strange thoughts and my future story!

I had multiple tumblr accounts before this one, but i didn't knew how to start one, so i deleted them all, but i think i should do a presentation first!

My name is bizzy, i'm 15 years old, my birthday is on 04/12.

I'm chilean, INFP and im autistic. i love drawing, sewing, anime, movies, conspiracies, videogames and fiction, but my main interest are seals and fashion

I'm a sweet/hime lolita and im a yumeshipper! My f/o is japan from hetalia ♥︎ (yapan...)

My favourite series are Hetalia, Popee the performer, Bleach, Happy tree friends and South park (maybe more in the future)

I also like DDLC, NSO and HZD!

I have 4 cats called Matilda, leticia, Vladimir and valentina, i love my balls!

And i think thats it! Goodnight everynyan ^_^ bizzy out!

[sensitivenicorn]

Alejandro messaged me today saying he wants to be friends again, start over, and keep things chill.

Honestly, I’m sad, I feel like something definitely happened with his other friends for him to come back to me so quickly. Even if that’s not the case, I still feel sad.

My mom tells me to just let him go and that I’m better off without him, and honestly, I don’t know what to do.

As for my relationship with the other girls, I feel insecure. They treat me really well and talk to me, i even got to talk to one of them about fashion today! but it feels like stepping out of my comfort zone, and it scares me a lot.

Plus, they have other friends, so one way or another, I’ll end up alone... I also don’t like the "friend" label, I enjoy talking to them and all, but the thought of an actual friendship makes me really uncomfortable and makes me want to run away.

Even though Alejandro wants to come back, I’m starting to make some friends and my mom supports me I feel like I don’t have anyone who truly understands or listens to me.

Right now, I’m getting interested in jirai kei again. I remember going through a phase where I was absolutely determined to be jirai and ruin my life; sometimes, I just want to go ahead and do it.

[sensitivenicorn]

I think something is going to happen between 20 and 29 of august. 22, 24 and 27 of august cant go out of my mind!

[sensitivenicorn]

Making new friends is scary

Lately I've started talking with more people!

I think I already have friends, or I'm getting closer to making one. I've been talking to some girls! They're more...normal than me, yk, normal people likes, normal people attitude, and sometimes they don't pay attention to me, but I guess we haven't gotten that close yet

I've also talked to this really funny girl who's always talking to me! It feels more natural to be with her, and yesterday I talked to a girl about our Nintendo 3DSs!

The problem is that this situation scares me!!!

First of all, feeling so many people talking to me is unpleasant. I don't like that feeling, it overwhelms me. I prefer talking to just a few people i can trust. And besides, I know no one's going to stay with me.

At some point, if I make a friend now, they're going to leave me someday, sooner or much later, but they will, for whatever reason. I don't have anyone who considers me their favorite person (besides my mother, who I love soso much), and that means no one will make an effort to stay. And why form a relationship if you're not going to be around for the rest of your life? I just don't understand.

I want a lifelong friendship, not a fleeting one, since I know that after school it will be much harder to make friends.

My mom says it's hard for both of us because we're strange and odd. It's not just us who have trouble socializing; other people have trouble socializing with us too.

I always want a friend, but when I have the chance to make one, I get scared.

Why am I like this?

At least its raining outside

Bizzy out

[sensitivenicorn]

Alot happened on my Tomodachi life Island! Even thought i just had it for 2 days!

I made Italy and Germany and they got married, i started dating Japan, my mom feels lowk lonely cause shes always in love (im gonna make her a Michael scott) and i added more miis like kenny, popee, Tyler durden, etc!

I feel like i unlocked everything very fast, 2 days is not too much...but i dont want to delete my island! I already feel good with my miis! But i want to start again and do everything slower...waaaa what should i do?! :(

Edit: i deleted it, i feel like the worst person ever. Im going to make everything again and love my miis for years!

[sensitivenicorn]

My mom got me a Nintendo 3ds!

Yesterday, my mom got me a Nintendo 3ds! She's the best!

I wanted this console for a while cause is really portable and it haves a MASSIVE catalogue of videogames, and now i have it!

It was kinda expensive tho...250 dollars...that made me feel kinda guilty, but the 3ds is overpriced, it was a good price!

Also, it haves a little trick on it, so i can play all the games i want!

I obviously go with tomodachi life first, i played if for a while, i made me (or well, mii), my mom, japan, italy and nagito komaeda (he was my 2020 crush!)

I didn't unlocked everything yet, i'm trying to go slow, here photos of my game play!

I also made miiself in the streetpass! Maybe i can get a friend there!

I wanted this console so i can feel less lonely in recess, cause with this i actually do something! And maybe someone thinks im cool for using it and wants to become my friend! I also wanted games like tomodachi life, metal gear, majoras mask, animal crossing, etc.

I'm going to download more games soon! Im sooooo excited!

Btw, the nintendo 3ds is a Monster Hunter edition! I wanted to put stickers on my 3ds but cause of that maybe im going to but a casing!

Bizzy out

[sensitivenicorn]

We accept the love we think we deserve

[sensitivenicorn]

August 24th August 24th August August, that day is always in my head, August 24, August, like if something is going to happen on August 24th, i dont know if is bad tho, i feel like im waiting for August 24th, august....

[sensitivenicorn]

the infinity of stories and the finite of our lives

I’ve always heard the phrases "life is short" or "you only get one life," and thinking about what that means makes me sad.

Since life is a story, you have at least a tiny bit of power to choose what your story will be, it’s very little, sure, but it’s something.

The problem is, I have so many stories in mind that they wouldn't all fit into a single lifetime! Honestly, I consider myself a very indecisive person, I’m always mulling over what to do, where to go, what to wear, what to say... the thing is, there are multiple options for everything, and I want them all!

I could be a cool, laid-back person who just plays video games at school, or that same person working at some intense agency! Or just a teenage girl who discovers one day she’s been chosen as a magical girl, or a war breaks out and I—along with some cool people/characters—save humanity! Or maybe I’m the protagonist’s sidekick whom everyone remembers; maybe I’m the person who exposes the US government using conspiracy theories; maybe I’m a warrior traveling the world with a giant sword and armor so heavy I fall over every time I try to get up from a chair.

There are so many stories! I could spend years listing them! The trouble is, I can only pick one story, since I only have one life... I hate that.

No one really learns enough given how short life is. Why is life so short? It sounds like a long time, but it flies by. Why do we live if we last such a short while? Why are we given the one thing that lets us see what life is, only to have it taken away so soon? We end up as nothing, in a void; we leave our little crumb on humanity, but will we even have any memory of it after death?

I always think, "If you aren't going to stay in a place forever, try to live there as little as possible" but I won't be staying in this world forever, yet I don't have another world to go to, either. At the very least, I’d like to leave a big crumb behind in the world, like a story, and if I have the power to choose it however I like, deciding would be so hard!

All I know is that I want to be a big crumb! Make sure to leave a significant mark on the world; a story needs characters, and you are a character in everyone's story!

Ensure you are a good character by choosing who you are and what your life will be like, so that this world becomes amazing! But choose wisely

you only have one story!

Bizzy out

[sensitivenicorn]

I'm sick :(

[sensitivenicorn]

Alejandro asked for space again.

He says that during the time we were apart, he didn't miss me, didn't think about me, nothing. He felt pressured to text me and simply wants MONTHS of space.

Did he really feel nothing? Did he not miss me? I missed him so much, I care about him so much. But did he even think about me? Did he never think, "I'd like to tell Bizzy this" or "I'd like to do this with Bizzy"? Has he even thought things like that over these past months? Or do I just love too much? Will I ever find a friend who loves me the way I love them? Do I love too much? Is this normal? So many questions...

Alejandro says I'm immature, like a little kid, and that makes me feel bad. I already feel left out for being "childish," but hearing it from someone I care about hurts even more.

There's nothing I can do but wait, wait, and wait... but he would never wait for me like that, I know it, also alejandro haves more friends to be with, he haves more support with those friends, he can still hangout and laugh all day, but i feel guilty saying this, is my fault for not trying to socialize more.

I didn't tell my mom anything about this; she just tells me, "Stop talking to him," "Keep your distance," "He only hurts you." I feel like that actually damaged my relationship with Alejandro even more. I'm not going to tell my mom anything anymore; she always pushes people away from me to "protect" me—she pushes me away from everything, really. I feel like I'm trapped in a cage.

If I'm worth so little as a person, maybe I should just give up on trying to be one.

Anyways, i dont need him! I dont need anyone!

I want a Nintendo DS

Bizzy out

PD: sorry for the sloppy deco, i'm tired of breathing

[sensitivenicorn]

I still feel a bit insecure about what happened with Alejandro

Lately, he’s been more distant and is interacting with darkshippers, and honestly, I don't know what to do.

He tells me his boyfriend is a darkshipper and runs a darkshipper server where they make jokes about sa and pedophilia, but he claims his boyfriend sets boundaries when talking to him and doesn't try to drag him into that creepy world. Still, it seems really weird to me, even he says he feels uncomfortable.

Why would you be in a social circle like that? Because of our recent fight, I can't say anything, or he’ll get angry again and stop talking to me. But seriously, I don't like that relationship, it’s going to end badly. I don't want him associating with people like that, but I don't want to tell him what to do, I feel like I'm being toxic.

But what if it’s for his own good? On top of that, I feel like he’ll eventually become a darkshipper himself, even though he HATES them, he always changes who he is just to fit in, and he leaves me behind... I tried joking with his boyfriend that if he hurt Alejandro, I’d kill him (it was out of line, I know; he got really angry...). He says *I* hurt Alejandro with the fight we had, and I know I messed up in a lot of ways, like distancing myself from him for a while because his attitude and insults made me feel bad, or trying to ignore his feelings when he said the relationship was deteriorating and he was socializing more with other people, or blocking him when he asked for space... Wow, I really was awful. But I feel like I’d be even worse if I didn't warn him about this.

I need help :(

[sensitivenicorn]

Today is my grandma's 80th birthday!

I'm going to surprise her for the celebration; she thinks I won't go because my mom doesn't like being with my aunts for multiple fights they had, but I'm going to show up a bit late to surprise her!

Also, I have a rant account on TikTok now!

And Alejandro's boyfriend hates me because of the fight I had with him... that's the only impression he has of me.

Oh well! I don't even want to get along with him! >:( he makes me so mad!!!!

Anyways, Bizzy out!

[sensitivenicorn]

Being lactose intolerant and loving sweets is not for the weak.

[sensitivenicorn]

End of vacations T-T

My vacation ended two days ago and I just can't take it anymore!

I want to stay home all day and play video games! I want to eat sweets while watching anime until my tummy hurts! I want to sew while dreaming of becoming a fashion designer!

I don't want to be at school, I don't fit in here, I just want to go home.

I’m not from here, I’m not from this world, and I don't want to be! Am I really going to spend my entire adolescence in school, only to spend my adulthood working in a boring office for a corporation that ruins the environment? That makes no sense! That’s not life or an story either!

Waaaaa... but it’s not all bad. I’ve made up with Alejandro, and we’re best friends again! Although, out of nowhere, he has a boyfriend now. I don't trust that boyfriend, he hates me because of the fight we had!

My mom is upset that I’m back on good terms with Alejandro; she says he’s a bad influence on me. But that’s my fault, not his!

Also, some girls invited me to spend recess with them today, but I didn't go; I just don't feel like socializing... I have two days off next week

I want to make cupcakes!

Bizzy out

[sensitivenicorn]

Me and alejandro arent angry anymore!!! We are bestfriends again, my mom was kinda sad because of that, she says hes bad with me and he just makes me sad and that was unfair for her, but i dont think so! I just wish this would not happen again.

[sensitivenicorn]

I dont wanna live like a person, i wanna live like a character