Sex 101: It’s My First Time…
There are a lot of different things that people always ask me when they are thinking of having sex for the first time, and that’s understandable because there are a lot of things to consider with something as important and awesome as that. I’m going to do my best to talk about everything I think is important to consider before having sex for the first time. IF there is something I have missed, or I haven’t answered your specific question about “first time jitters”, as always don’t hesitate to ask me. (: Now, the first thing is to talk about “being ready”, how do you know? Well, to be honest, that’s a very subjective question because everyone is different. Some people think they’re ready to lose their virginity when they’re 13, some when they’re 30. And either way, that’s perfectly fine and normal! The right timing for one person may be completely different for another person. The best answer I can give you is that you will know, when you know. Everyone has their boundaries and the right to decide when the best time to have sex for the first time is. I think a person is ready when they are prepared to handle the physical, mental and emotional consequences associated with sex. Also, how people view their first time often varies greatly from person to person. Some people want to wait for the “one”, some people want to wait till marriage, some people want to be in love, some people want it to be with a friend, some people do it to “get it over with”, some people think it’s a very big deal, some people don’t think it’s a big deal at all. It’s perfectly normal to lose your virginity in any of these ways! Next to cover is COMMUNICATION. Communication is perhaps the most important thing about having sex for the first time. You need to talk to your partner about your boundaries, what you’re comfortable doing, where you want to do it, how you want to do it and when. It’s perfectly natural for anyone to be nervous their first time, sex can be an intimidating thing. Having good communication with your partner can be the key to having a great first time, and relieve some of the anxiety you’re feeling. Also, don’t forget to ask for CONSENT! It is NEVER okay to force or pressure someone into doing something they don’t want to do. Consent is sexy, ALWAYS ask first.
Now…let’s get into some biology. How exactly do you do “it”? Sex is of course a very fluid term and everyone has their different definitions of what it means to have “sex”. For a majority, sex usually means penile-vaginal intercourse. But for others it may mean mutual masturbation, oral sex or anal sex or any other sexual act. For this particular question, I’m going to use penile-vaginal intercourse as the definition of “sex”. Penile-vaginal intercourse occurs when the penis is inserted into the vagina. A surprisingly high number of people have reported “not being able to find the hole,” so I’m going to once again bust out the diagram of female reproductive anatomy. It’s very important to note that penile insertion into the urethra (the hole your urine comes out of) for females can be EXTREMLY PAINFUL and should not be confused with the vaginal opening! Please if you are in doubt, look at the diagram. Also, ladies to prevent penetration of the “wrong hole”, a technique that works great is guiding the penis to your vagina, yourself! It will reduce your partner’s anxiety about them having to figure it out on their own and also will ensure accuracy. (:
Also, it’s very common that I get the “is it going to hurt?” question from girls. There is a definite possibility of penile-vaginal intercourse hurting the first time for girls if the hymen is still intact. The hymen is a thin tissue membrane that covers the vaginal opening, when it breaks it may be painful and may cause bleeding. THIS IS NORMAL. The bleeding can be as little as a few specks or as much as a heavy period and can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days. It’s also possible that it won’t hurt at all for some girls and that there may not be any bleeding at all. Everyone is different when it comes to this. Some girls ask me why they don’t have any pain if they were a virgin before they had sex. It is also important to note that the hymen can be broken by many other things besides a penis. Common incidents include gymnastics, horseback riding, bike accidents and even gynecological exams. If you don’t experience any pain your first time, it could very well be that your hymen was previously broken by something else.
Contraception is also an important part of deciding to have sex for the first time to prevent STI contraction and prevent unintended pregnancy. My philosophy on having sex for the first time is this: if you cannot be responsible enough to protect yourself from STIs and unintended pregnancy, then you are not responsible enough to be having sex. Plain and simple. There are many forms of contraception available, and I provided a list of them under the “Birth Control 101” section. I suggest taking a look at that, and also doing your own research to decide which method is going to work best for you.
Lastly, I receive many questions on good positions to try for first-timers. Personally, I think the easiest positions for first-timers are probably missionary, a spooning or girl-on-top position. They don’t require a lot of agility and are pretty straight-forward. I will provide illustrations for you guys on these three positions. These aren’t the only possible positions for first-timers of course, just my personal opinion. If you are unsatisfied with these after some time, feel free to ask about other more-advanced positions.
Girl-On-Top Position AKA “Cowgirl” Position
So what’s the formula for a good first-time experience?
Knowing you’re ready + Communicating with your partner + ASKING FOR CONSENT + Knowing your biology + Contraception + Experimenting with positions
Incorporating food into your sex life can be a great new erotic experience and is perfectly okay! In fact, I highly recommend it. In all reality, the key to ANYONE’S heart…is through their stomach. (: The great thing about using food during sex is that there are so many ways to experiment with it and so many different foods you can use! Pretty much you can use any food that you desire to feed your sexual appetite. Common foods include fruits, chocolate, whip cream, caramel sauce, ice cream, popsicles, even Poprocks! Poprocks are an amazing little item, let me tell you. Best sex toy buy for about $.50! You can put them in your mouth during a makeout session to spice things up or try putting them in your mouth during fellatio for an exotic rush. (; Make sure you avoid putting those little babies anywhere near lady-parts though because that can become quite a sticky mess that could lead to a yeast infection. Yikes! Other things to avoid are chili peppers and basically anything that is hot or spicy. Also a quick note, be sure not to use foods that contain oil if you are going to be using a condom with your sexy-food-adventure. Oils can break down latex, which will lower the condom’s effectiveness. One other important safety note: make sure you only use the foods EXTERNALLY, NOT INTERNALLY. If foods get inside the vagina or urethral opening of the penis, they could result in irritation or infection. No good. Other than that, feel free to explore and let your taste buds and your sex drive run wild! (:
Oral Sex 101: The Art of Eating and Blowing
I almost always get questions about tips and tricks for either fellatio or cunnilingus and there’s only so much I can say before I start to repeat myself, so I thought this was an excellent choice for an FAQ. (:
Let’s start with penis lovin’ first, shall we? The first thing you need to know about giving fellatio (blowjobs) is to know the anatomy of the penis. This may seem like a simple thing, it’s just a penis, right? Well, there are actually several spots on the penis that are more sensitive than others. The areas you are going to want to be focusing on are the glans of the penis, urethra, testes and frenulum. Despite popular belief, the shaft of the penis actually has very little to do with giving a good blowjob! The glans (head) of the penis is 100x more sensitive than the shaft and you should focus most of what’s going on with your tongue and mouth around that area. The urethra (hole that ejaculate and urine comes out of) is also extremely sensitive and you might want to try flicking your tongue over it to put him over the edge. (; The most important part of penis anatomy you should be familiar with is the frenulum, a ridge running along the underside of the penis starting under the glans. This is perhaps the most sensitive area on the entire male body. It has thousands of nerve endings and when stroked with a tongue or kissed or sucked by the lips shoots an extremely erotically pleasurable signal to the brain. This is the GOLD-MINE of giving good head! Never neglect this area! In case you guys need a little penis anatomy refresher, I am going to provide you with diagrams of where these areas are located:
Now before we move on to some tips and tricks, I want to make a note about the infamous “deep-throating”. Many, many people think that this is the ultimate blowjob trick, that if you can master this technique, your man will think you are a “blowjob goddess or god”. This is definitely not true. Infact deep-throating actually does very little for intense pleasure. Since the glans is more sensitive than the shaft of the penis, the pleasure that men feel from deep-throating actually comes from the glans hitting the back of the throat, not your mouth around the shaft. For those of you who have an extreme gag reflex, never fear! You can achieve “blowjob goddess or god” status in many other ways than by deep-throating. And here are some of those ways:
The most important part of giving a good blowjob comes from confidence. The more confident you are, and the more you show your man that you want to do this favor for him and want him to get pleasure from it, the more he will. No man wants to see their partner act very uncomfortably at the thought of oral sex, when he is supposed to be receiving great pleasure from it! The first tip I can give you is to look him in the eyes as you’re going down on him. Guys love seeing the look of confidence as their partner takes their penis into their mouth. CONFIDENCE IS SEXY. Always make sure your guy knows you really want to be doing this for him. The next tip I can provide is to use your tongue for most of the action. Your lips can be a great tool for sucking and adding a lot of pressure, but your tongue is what you should use for sensual stimulation. Use your tongue to thoroughly lube up your man’s penis by licking the entire shaft up, down and around. Lubrication by your saliva will make the experience much more pleasurable for him. You can also use your tongue to run along the frenulum, as I mentioned before, to really blow his mind. Also, since the glans is more sensitive than the shaft, try putting the glans in your mouth and closing around it with your lips, but use your tongue to circle it around and around. You can also use your tongue to transfer the glans from one side of your mouth to the other, creating a lot of different sensations for him as his glans hits the different parts of your mouth. The tongue can also be used to gently flick in and out of the urethral opening. The tongue is also a great tool to alter the temperature of your man’s erotic experience. (: Which leads me into my next tip, using temperature to your advantage! Alternating between hot and cold temperatures while giving your guy head can really put him over the edge. Try licking the shaft with your tongue and then blowing the warm air from your mouth onto the spot. You can also take a sip of hot tea or hot chocolate (pretty much any hot beverage will do) and then swirl your tongue around the glans for a few seconds, then take a bite of ice cream or suck on an ice cube and then do the same thing by swirling your tongue around the glans. Any hot and cold combination you can come up with will do the trick, be creative! The last tip I am a firm believer in is using your hands in combination with your mouth! This is a great way to get the friction provided by handjobs with the warm, wet seduction provided with your mouth. Use your hands to work the shaft while your mouth works the glans, you can work your hands in and up and down motion as you would with a handjob, or you can grip the shaft and work your hands up and down in a swivel, twisting motion. Also, the best way to use your hands is to use them to play with your man’s testes. NEVER IGNORE THE LOVE SACS. Gently squeeze or massage them by rolling them between your fingers or palm. You can also suck, lick, kiss or anything else to them as long as you are gentle! One thing to AVOID…NEVER EVER USE YOUR TEETH! Teeth are just not a friend to the penis. They can tear, scratch or rip the tissue or foreskin of the penis or testes. It’s just a good idea to not use them at all, they usually cause more harm than pleasure.
As far as positions go, there are so many different variations you can do to the typical “laying down blowjob”. You can try having your guy stand up while you kneel before him, you can have him sit and you kneel between his legs, you can sit side-by-side on a couch or bed while you bend forward over him, you can do it in the 69 position only where you would be on your back and he would face you also on his back. You can try laying on your back with your head propped up on a pillow while he kneels above you and thrusts into your mouth. You can also try having him lie on his back with his legs straight up in the air and give him head from between his legs or you can have him stand on the floor at the edge of the bed and you lie on your back hanging off the edge of the bed and giving him head from underneath him. There are so many other great positions! The best idea is just to experiment and find out what your guy likes the best and what is most comfortable for you.
Let’s move on to some lady lovin’! Just like with giving fellatio, the biggest thing about giving a girl cunnilingus (eating her out) is to know the anatomy of the vulva. The entire vulva is filled with thousands of nerve endings and is highly sensitive, but the most sensitive part of the vulva is the clitoris. The clitoris is the “magic orgasm button” for most women, women who especially have difficulty achieving orgasm vaginally look to the clitoris to help them reach the Big-O. Because the clitoris is SO sensitive, some women need indirect stimulation of it because direct stimulation may be too overwhelming. Every woman is different and before pressing the “magic button”, I suggest having a conversation with the lady-receiver to find out what her preferences are. Some tips for stimulating the clitoris in a highly erotic way? Try flicking your tongue over it rapidly or using your tongue to draw circles around it. The power of warm breath is one to never be ignored either-try blowing directly on the clitoris and then using your tongue for one of the techniques I previously mentioned. Many women also report the “alphabet trick” to be highly valuable, which is where the giver uses their tongue to write the alphabet over the receiver’s clitoris. Not only is this a lot of hot tongue action, but also because you’ll be making the different letters, you won’t be focusing your attention on one spot for too long, adding to the variety of sensations the receiver will have. (; Let’s talk about some other sensitive areas of the vulva. One that a lot of people overlook is the erotic potential of the labia, both the inner and outer lips. The labia are not quite as sensitive as the clitoris, but with slightly more direct stimulation, they can produce a lot of pleasure. For things to try with the labia you can pull, nibble, lick, kiss or suck on them for added sensation. Actually one of the most powerful things to incorporate into cunnilingus is the power of PRESSURE! By sucking on the labia or by centering your mouth so that it covers the clitoris and vaginal opening and sucking, this can produce a lot of wonderfully erotic pressure, much the same as giving a man a blowjob. Sucking is good! You want to blow your lady’s mind? Put the pressure on to get her close to the edge! The other area of the vulva that deserves erotic attention is the vaginal opening itself. This opening, although definitely not as sensitive as the clitoris, can often be a source of a lot of pleasure if stimulated in the correct way. One way to stimulate this area is with the tongue-use your tongue like you would a finger and insert it in and out of the vaginal opening at whatever speed is comfortable for you. You can also tease the entrance to the vaginal opening with your tongue by circling around it or flicking your tongue rapidly in and out. My next tip is probably the most crucial, so LISTEN UP! A great way to help your lady get to her Big-O is to use a combination of your hands and mouth. Just as using the hands and mouth combo on guys can be the gold-mine of giving blowjobs, using your hands and mouth on ladies can be the gold-mine of getting take out. (; Try inserting however many fingers you and your partner are comfortable with into the vaginal opening and then using your mouth to suck or tease the labia and clitoris. You can also use such objects as dildos and vibrators to create the same effect as your hands. Get your partner talking about preferences and boundaries and just get creative!
I feel it is now an appropriate time to address lady-concerns about getting eaten out and personal hygiene. Girls often think that they have a “funny smell” down there and are concerned that no one will want to go down on them because of it. The simple truth is, in general, most girls are completely overreacting. Vaginal discharge can have a variety of smells, mostly somewhat musky smelling or it can not smell at all. Either way, it’s completely normal! And most girls don’t realize this…but you’re actually probably the only one who notices the smell of your vaginal discharge. Most women have a heightened sense of smell for their own bodily secretions, but that doesn’t mean that your partner smells what you think you smell. Women are far too critical of the way their lady-bits smell and look. Stop over-analyzing! In reality, the natural smell of vaginal discharge for women or pre-cum for men, is actually a pheromone (or aphrodisiac) for most partners and increases arousal! If you think your vagina smells really FOUL (not just musky or like urine) then you might consider seeing your gynecologist if this is a concern for you because it could be caused by an infection or STI. When in doubt, it’s best to get it checked out, but in general just daily bathing and soaping up while in the shower is more than enough to keep your lady-bits smellin’ fresh! (: As far as being concerned with the question of to shave or not to shave, that is as I stated before, entirely up to you. My only advice, is to maybe not have an untamed jungle down there. It might be unpleasant for your partner to get a mouthful of hair every time they go down on you. There is nothing wrong with having some hair ladies, let me be clear! I would just suggest keeping the bushes trimmed once and a while.
As for specific positions to perform cunnilingus in? Just as with fellatio, there are so many it’s hard to name them all! Virtually any position sitting, standing or laying down will work just fine, the best advice I can give it to once again experiment with different positions until you find one that both you and your partner like and are comfortable with. As for some examples, here are some personal suggestions: you can try a kind of reverse 69 position where you lie on your back above your partner facing them as they perform cunnilingus on you, but you don’t return the favor. You can also have your partner on their knees while you stand over them either the typical “facing-them position” or try it so that they go down on you from behind to enhance the erotic surprise. You can also sit virtually right above your partner’s face in whatever direction you choose so that they can go down on you from under you. You may also want to try variations of the usual laying down position where you either lift both your legs high above your head or close your legs moderately tightly around your partner’s head as they eat you out for a more snug feeling. There are endless possibilities here ladies and gents for both fellatio and cunnilingus positions, explore them all and create your own!
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