I can’t move on, babydoll
pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x male!reader
rating: slight angst, with happy ending.
overview: four times where Hyunjin yearned for (y/n) a bit too much, when eventually something changes.
tags: none (if you want to be tagged comment or dm me!)
#1; will you be my muse? one last time?
it had been two weeks into the breakup, Hyunjin spent most of the time in his art studio, looking for inspiration for a new piece that was never found.
all he could do was remember the times where (y/n) would sit on the table in the middle of the room and Hyunjin would sketch him over and over again, finding mistakes in every stroke, every detail.
what amused him the most was the way (y/n)’s beauty wasn’t easy to capture, to frame onto a sheet of paper.
so now he was flicking through his sketchbook, longing for drawing his love once more, trying to make sense of the mess he put on paper.
sometimes it was the eyes, while others it was the perfect bump on his nose. all he could do was analyze old drawings over and over again, the image of (y/n)’s face still vivid in his head, and point out the flaws in the image he drew.
he tried to fix them multiple times, drawing over the old and dried pencil strokes that he couldn’t easily erase, but he would never be able to put on those sheets of paper the true value of (y/n)’s beauty.
somehow, he was never able to.
#2; the way you like your coffee
he still remembered everything
(y/n)’s birthday, all his favourites, food, smells, flowers, his skincare products and routine, everything.
Hyunjin couldn’t forget easily, at all.
and when he gets up in the middle of the night, sweaty and panting because of a nightmare he had, that’s when he remembers the way (y/n) liked his coffee.
he still had a moka pot somewhere in his kitchen.
Hyunjin got up from his king sized bed, still cold, shaking after waking up so suddenly. he walked to the kitchen, grabbing said moka pot and following step by step the way (y/n) had taught him how he liked his coffee made, saying out loud everything he did.
“fill the moka pot up with water to the little valve you see inside, not under or over it. then put the filter on and fill it with coffee powder. I like to create a little mountain of it but DO NOT press it down. finally tighten the upper part as much as you can and put it on the stove at low heat with the lid open, you’re gonna close it as soon as the coffee starts pouring out”
hyunjin sat at the kitchen table, tapping with one finger on the wooden surface while waiting for the coffee to be ready to serve.
the clock read 3:47am. while (y/n) was there still, hyunjin would get up and make coffee for his still working boyfriend at that same hour mostly every night.
and hyunjin still remembered the day when (y/n) talked him through his first moka pot coffee, he still remembered the mess he made on the counter and the thousands of tries it took to make it right.
but what he didn’t know was how much (y/n) liked getting his coffee made by Hyunjin…
#3; a star’s missing from the sky
what hyunjin hated most of his job was coming home to not find (y/n) waiting for him.
well, he later found out the that when (y/n) wasn’t home, he was actually on the rooftop watching the night sky, making sense of the stars that dominated the scenery, counting each one and kind of organising them in groups.
it was a habit of (y/n)’s that Hyunjin couldn’t make sense of.
Hyunjin would climb out the window of their shared bedroom and sit beside (y/n) in silence, watching closely as he started counting over and over again for some reason.
and when hyunjin asked him about it…
“am I… controlling? on you?” (y/n) asked, still pointing at the sky.
“I don’t think so, no.” Hyunjin answered honestly, his head laying on the latter’s shoulder.
“Hyunnie… I feel like nothing makes sense.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I mean, I can’t make sense out of anything. I try to stay on top everything I do, but obviously I can’t keep under control every single aspect of my life.”
“would you mind elaborating?” Hyunjin started stroking gently the other man’s hair, letting him lay on his lap.
“do you know why I come up here? I’ll tell you, to humble myself. I know I can’t actually count all the stars in the sky, but doing so and actually feeling the greatness of the blue in front of me taking a hold of my stupid habit of trying to make sense of everything makes me realise I’m human too.”
Hyunjin wasn’t able to quite catch (y/n)’s meaning, why he did that, so all he could do was hum at his words knowingly.
“I know it doesn’t make sense… do you think i’m insane?”
“baby, you’re not insane. but please, next time, if there’s a way I can help, tell me. I know your mind races a lot” Hyunjin said calmly as usual.
Now Hyunjin sat on the same spot on the rooftop where he would join (y/n) when life felt like too much. He began counting stars out of habit, but he knew that a star would always be missing since the day (y/n) left.
#4; Music plays, but nobody’s dancing
Due to their jobs, the couple spent most times together at the end of the day, when nobody could see Hyunjin’s struggle to teach (y/n) basic dancing steps.
every time (y/n) would trip over his own feet, Hyunjin couldn’t help but wonder why was he even trying. His sense of balance and even stage presence were non existent.
and so one night, he came up with something else.
instead of trying to teach (y/n) coreos, Hyunjin put on some different music, a waltz specifically, that ‘one two three’ kind of song that everyone recognised and imagined a great masked party in an even bigger ball room whenever it was played.
Hyunjin let the waltz play from the speakers for a while, hoping that (y/n) would start feeling the music and the flow he so naturally felt inside.
“i didn’t know you were into this kind of stuff” (y/n) scoffed
“shhh… close your eyes, let the music move your body”
and so (y/n) did, while Hyunjin started walking in slow circles around tha latter standing in the center of the room.
“follow me” Hyunjin said as he placed one hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder while the other rested on his hip.
(y/n) tried opening his eyes, but was immediately shushed down by Hyunjin as he mentioned how he should utterly trust him with this one.
and so the dance began. a step forward, then to the right, stopping on the third beat, and again a step back and to the left they went.
at the end, it didn’t take very long to let confidence build inside of (y/n) and he couldn’t help but smile and open his eyes to look at his partner.
Hyunjin was smiling to, he was finally able to find some dance moves made for (y/n).
actually, it wasn’t really about the dance moves, for (y/n), and later for hyunjin too when he finally realized, it was sharing a moment of peace with the latter.
and from that moment on, whenever everything was too loud, the two of them ignored the world around and danced the night away, their hearts moving along the three beats that dominated their ears and bodies
even now, when (y/n) was far gone, Hyunjin would listen to the waltz they would dance along, sitting on the floor, knees up to his chest, and regret everything that let them separate.
it had been something like a year or two into the break up now, hyunjin had honestly lost count, even though he used to count each second and minute of the time he was away from the love of his life.
he didn’t expect to meet him so suddenly.
Hyunjin was at the JYPE headquarters, lunch break time hit perfectly and he almost ran away from everyone and everything because that specific day he couldn’t take much.
He rapidly got out of the building, messy and undone from practice, and got into the first cafe he noticed along the way when all of a sudden, his heart skipped a beat.
There he was, (y/n), in all of his beauty and glory, he had gotten bigger since the break up, Hyunjin noticed, and even more handsome than he ever was.
Hyunjin was still at the entrance when his eyes encountered (y/n)’s surprised gaze.
the man waved coyly at Hyunjin, in that moment he completely froze in place, thinking of how he could escape the situation.
but he couldn’t, as he saw his ex walking down to him.
“hey…” (y/n) said, still a bit shy.
“can I offer you something to eat? you look exhausted dear”
‘dear’, the pet name he oh so loved coming from (y/n)’s mouth, he never thought he would hear it once again.
“uuh… yeah, sorry I look horrible”
“don’t say that, you’re just tired, I get it”
and so they made their way to a table and sat down one in front of the other. they talked about everything and anything just like they would at their shared apartment when they were still together.
but then, the fatal question came up.
“Hyunjin, what happened to you?” (y/n) asked sincerely.
“I mean, look at you! surely you’re tired but I’ve never seen you better than this… during all the time we were together, you were always so… sad, honestly. tell me if I’m wrong though”
Hyunjin never realized before this very moment, but (y/n) was right.
every art piece, every coffee, each and every step he made were infused with the feeling that it all would end soon, that he didn’t deserve any of that.
each counted star had inside of it the sense of despair Hyunjin felt, so much that it was over eventually, and it was his fault.
“You know, ever since we broke up, I thought it was my fault that you felt that way… that maybe I was actually controlling and bad for your well being.”
“don’t say that, please” at that point , Hyunjin’s eyes started to fill with tears and he tried his best to not let them get a hold of him.
“then tell me… what actually happened?”
holding back the tears didn’t work for long. Hyunjin let out everything he ever felt, pointing at the fact that it wasn’t (y/n)’s fault multiple times.
“why did you never tell me…?” (y/n)’s face was a calm, a gentle but sad smile forming on his lips, it wanted to be comforting.
“because I didn’t want to ruin everything, but I did anyway, didn’t I?” Hyunjin scoffed and looked away.
(y/n)’s hand was fast moving to gently catch the other’s chin and turn his head to face him.
“maybe… and maybe it will never work again between us because of that…” Hyunjin’s eyes widened, he looked desperate.
“don’t look at me like that, I’m not finished.” (y/n)’s thumb started moving in circles aling Hyunjin’s cheek as he still held onto his face.
“i’ve missed you, Hyunnie.” he looked deep into the now relaxing eyes of tha man in front of him.
“I want to build something new with you, a stronger foundation. I think I’m ready… if you want to of course.”
Hyunjin’s heart sped up in a way he didn’t think was possible, was all of this actually happening?
“it’s a deal then!” (y/n)’s eyes smiled before his lips could, shining at Hyunjin.
“i gotta go back to work now, I’ll text you time and place for our first date, is tomorrow okay with you?”
Hyunjin was flabbergasted, he still wasn’t quite aware of what was happening and (y/n) was already planning a date.
“alrighty! see you tomorrow dear~” and so (y/n) went away, leaving a tiny and gentle peck on Hyunjin’s cheek.
Hyunjin held onto the kiss with his hand placed over his cheek, he couldn’t believe what just happened.
but even after all of this, he was sure that nothing nor nobody could take this away from him.
I’m so sorry for the wait, but I hope it was worth it
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