after a few years of rebuilding yourself, you once again meet the man you loved the most.
pairing: seungcheol x reader
summary: one of your best friends are getting married and your first boyfriend reappears in your life five years after you begged him for a breakup.
tags: heavy angst, comfort, slice of life, romance
content/trigger warning: mentions of death/s, grief, s**c*d* attempt, heavy themes of self-sabotage and mental health issues, abandonment issues are implied and mentioned, mature scenes are implied.
word count: 10.3K words
author's note: i encourage you to listen to daniel caesar's who knows while reading this fic
“Exes to lovers,” you start.
“What do you think of me in that genre?” you add to your best friend, Joy.
“For starters, it is your genre,” she shoots back, causing her to snort at the jab she just gave you.
“Funny,” you reply sarcastically.
“But it is,” she defends, “You sabotage yourself when time comes that all good things happen to you and end up hung up on the person you let go eons ago because you realize how good they were.”
You do not have anything else to say. She’s right. You did it so many times. It’s a sleepover at your place tonight—a tradition that started when you both got out of the university and had less supervision from your parents. Joy is the youngest and only girl in the family, while you, on the other hand, are an only child. Both roles in the family that put you two through shit holes and are the reasons why you’ve been friends since senior high school.
Focusing on the movie and trying not to deconstruct the characterization of the people in it (an impossible mission, by the way, since you write for a blog and Joy is a passionate Literature graduate), you take a swig of your alcohol, and she digs for another scoop of ice cream using her spoon. It’s a Saturday night, and just like everyone else, you’re both taking your mind out of work.
“Did you confirm you’re coming to Isabela and Mingyu’s engagement?” Joy raises an eyebrow.
“Oh shoot!” You exclaim, using your hands to look for your phone in between the cushions of your leather sofa frantically.
You forgot it once again after taking note to check the email many times mentally. It’s one of those annoying things about you that you hate—being forgetful of many things.
You were not really like this before. Your friends and family know how good you were with the small things—how you know about all the details, even if they were never explicitly shown to you. In one of those drinking sessions you had with your internet bestfriend of fifteen years, he shared how this attribute of yours before may have stemmed from your constant worry that the person you were with at a particular moment would hate you just because of a single action or word you had blurted out. To sum it up, basically, he said that your good memory was a sign of hyper awareness because of abandonment issues. You swore that you had said ‘damn’ a lot of times during that night. It was one of those nights that alcohol felt like weed to you and Joey, that you turned into modern philosophers.
After what felt like an eternity of your hands between the cushions of your sofa and a momentary flashback of one of those mind-boggling drinking sessions you had that was caused by the variety of alcohol you can’t even recall anymore, you finally have the phone in your hand.
“Do you think he would be there?” You ask Joy.
She pauses the movie playing on the television and faces you. You brace yourself for the monologue she’s about to give you for asking the question.
“If he is, are you ready?” She asks back.
It’s one of those things that gives you the ick in Filipino culture, the art of answering questions with another question.
“Kumain ka na ba? (Did you eat already?).”
“Bakit? (Why?)”
You wanted to ask Joy a question, and yet, she has managed to open Pandora's box by answering with another question.
“I think I am? He might be married already,” you reply.
“Do you want me to check it for you?” she asks.
You shake your head, “It’s none of my business anymore.”
Joy has always hated you talking about your ex-boyfriend before. She has always said that it’s counterproductive for you to speak of something that you ended yourself. Maybe she was disappointed, or maybe she’s being moved by her pity towards you. You never asked, even though you know how frank and straightforward she can be. You just don’t have the heart to know which is which.
Yet, she’s asking you questions and offering to do something she would never want to do if you asked her a year ago.
Maybe everyone has moved on from your relationship with him, but you know it’s not true—not when it still keeps you up at night from time to time.
After a few taps on the screen of your phone, you have managed to RSVP to your friend’s engagement party with her long-time boyfriend.
“You were right about the two of us racing to the title of being the last ones to get married,” you chuckle at your friend.
“Of course, I know me, and I know you,” she emphasizes on part of knowing you with a grin.
“I won, though. I know Wonwoo will propose to you,” you tell her.
“Are you giving me some sort of spoiler?” She chuckles, eyes wide.
You shake your head, “No. I have no idea, but I’m speaking as the girl who managed to bring her two bestfriends together during the time they both thought she was going to die.”
Joy frowns momentarily, the memory of you during those times leaving a disgusting taste in her mouth. She hated those times.
Well, you hated that time in your life, too.
She never spoke again. Joy continued the movie. You understood. It’s something not to be spoken about on a Saturday night you decided to sleep beside each other in your condominium.
-
The month after the sleepover, you stare at the whiteboard in the hallway of your home. It’s a monthly planner that you update every first week of the month.
Hailey’s birthday
Date with Niki and Joanne
Wax appointment
Isabela and Mingyu’s engagement party!
Your eyes widen upon seeing the last words along with the exclamation point.
“Son of a bitch,” you mutter under your breath.
You retrieve your phone from your pocket to see the details. You have to know if you’re going for a quick dress shopping.
“May 26…Pink and black…Dress…” you scan through the invitation.
You have those colors in your closet. You quickly pace to your bedroom to check your closet.
You have a day left before the event, unfortunately.
“These dresses are already worn a few too many times,” you sigh.
You’re bound for last-minute shopping.
You got out of work at exactly five o’clock. It’s a work-from-home day, fortunately, and things were light, unusual, as you have a lot of tasks to do on Fridays. Taking advantage of this, you immediately hopped on a train going to Megamall, where most of the fashion boutiques are located.
Joy asked you what gift you are buying for the couple just some minutes ago. You told her you’re still unsure and you’re buying something to wear as well.
You enter some boutiques to look at the dresses they have.
During the trip to the fifth boutique, you saw a cute long dress in the shade of pink you always loved. You immediately tried on your usual size and grinned in the mirror inside the fitting room as it hugged your body perfectly.
Another perfect thing for you. Unusual.
Once you paid for it and recalled that you had the perfect shoes at home for the dress, you proceeded to the department store to look for what you could give the couple.
You go to the floor where home improvement is located. From what you can recall from Isabela’s stories of her beloved fiancé, Mingyu loves to maintain a clean home—something that you consider as something that’s to her advantage for someone who works for an auditing firm and would have no time to do house tasks at times.
It’s a maze of shelves and displays in the department stores. While you’re glad because you know you’ll hit the daily ten thousand steps, you know you’ll be asleep the moment your back hits the soft sheets of your bed.
Imagining the feel of the six-hundred-thread-count cotton sheets you have currently on your bed, you realize the perfect gift. A set of sheets for their bed and pillows. You recall Isabela and Mingyu have a king-sized bed for the house they bought together just last year. She brought it up during one of your quarterly girls’ day out.
Recalling Gourdo’s closed already in this mall, you decided to continue shopping inside the department store.
You walk around, looking for the beds section.
Nearing the area, you continue to walk until you see a familiar back.
You freeze.
“That’s not possible.”
Regaining your composure quickly, you hide yourself in an area with a greater view.
The man moved and turned to his side.
It’s him with a baby and a woman you don’t recognize.
Knowing you didn’t have the heart to see more of that, you quickly came out of hiding and walked briskly to the section where the sheets are.
You knew that having the perfect day had its consequences. It has been like that for you. You just didn’t expect to see that.
It must be time to face the music of your actions almost four years ago.
It took you three hours to shop at the mall. Once your back hits the bed, you close your eyes. Yet, to no avail, you can’t sleep. Your mind flashes the memory of him holding a baby just earlier.
You’re trying not to drill yourself over it, but your stupid mind has been trying to make you understand that this could have been something for you. However, the thought of you and him having a child together is a luxury, one that shouldn’t cross your mind—not when you knelt and begged for him to leave you.
You shut your eyes tightly this time, not liking one bit of the memories starting to flash in your mind.
-
2024
Year of the dragon. They say it was your year.
In the first month of the year, you were longer on probation at work. In February, ironically, at an anti-Valentine party you attended on the 14th of the month, you met the love of your life. Your first love.
“At twenty-three, your first boyfriend is a twenty-seven-year-old man,” Louise retorted when your friend group met for a day out.
“What can I say? I was never meant to be with someone our age,” you told her.
“And senior high taught her she’s not for younger men either,” Hailey joked, earning a fake annoyed ‘hey’ from you before you chuckled.
April showers, they said. You graduated from college and landed a job with a rigorous hiring process, securing it even before your graduation ceremony.
“Things are finally looking up for you, my love,” Joy said, hugging you.
It was July when you and your ex-boyfriend made things official. Everything was light, and you felt like it was truly your year.
“Baby, do you like it?” He asked when he handed over his gift—a beautiful gold necklace.
You nodded.
It was one of those moments when you truly understood why, despite being overrated, people always seek love. You were never truly a fan back then. Love has always been conditional for you. Despite the chances to give in to it back then, you never did. It never fit your schedule. It was not on your agenda back then. You were just a laser-focused student with so much to prove to your family.
“Hey, love,” you turned to your ex-boyfriend.
He looked at you and almost dropped his jaw when he saw what you looked like.
“I’m ready,” you whispered in his ear when you reached where he was standing.
Your ex-boyfriend looked at you lovingly before cupping your face for a gentle kiss.
“Are you sure?” He asked.
You nod before dropping one of the straps of your nightgown.
It was your year.
2025
The new year celebration with your family felt different. It was quiet despite the many firecrackers and fireworks your cousins bought from Bocaue and the yelling from that one obnoxious family member when the clock struck twelve. You were on FaceTime with your ex-boyfriend at the time, making the most of technology as you couldn’t be together on that day.
February came, and for the first time, you finally had a proper Valentine's Day date with the person you met at an anti-Valentine's event on the same date the year before.
“It’s been a year since I met you,” he chuckled.
“I know. I managed to get myself a cute boyfriend at an event that’s meant to reject the idea of relationships and the consumerism of this holiday,” you replied as you toyed with your flute of champagne.
“Do you know I was never meant to be there?” He told you for the first time.
You cocked your eyebrow, urging him to talk more.
“I was meant to go to Hansol’s birthday party that he organized for the singles, but I got the locations mixed up,” he chuckled over a mistake he rarely made.
“But I saw you there at that party. There’s no way I’ll leave that scene without talking to you,” he continued.
“When you found out I was younger than you for five years during the succeeding times we met, did you ever regret it? I mean, men your age here in the country are married now,” you quizzed.
“I was worried for you, especially when you told me you never went past the talking stage or the purgatory of relationships,” he admitted.
“The what?” You laughed.
“That thing is called something else nowadays, but we referred to it as mutual understanding before,” he rambled, trying to recall the specific word.
“Oh—oh, situationship,” You told him as you fell into a fit of laughter.
“That one,” he managed to say as he tried to contain himself from laughing loudly.
“But it makes sense, y’know? The description. It does feel like being in purgatory, waiting if this something uncertain will bloom into a full relationship or another story to tell when the liquor hits,” you said.
“I’m glad we did not remain in that place,” he admitted.
“Likewise, love,” you smiled.
“I love you,” he said.
“I love you too.”
It was March when things fell apart for you. Your aunt, whom you considered your second mother, met with an accident. It was too fast. You did not even recall much of what transpired in the midst of everything done to save her. You just found yourself in the funeral chapel at night after work, sitting along the long pews after most of the visitors had left. Your ex-boyfriend was there with you each night, not speaking much. He was just there for you.
The following months were a blur. They were right when they said that a death in the family will unearth all the secrets and growing remorse towards each other. It didn’t take too long to hit you.
Being with your ex-boyfriend made you forget the gravity of your role in the family. He managed to help you become your own person—not just someone from your family.
Yet, that reality had a way of catching up with you. There were things that your late aunt never told anyone but you. Her children never knew some things that you always carry with you as someone who stayed after everyone started having their own lives. It intensified the emptiness inside you and the grief that loomed over you like a big shadow.
Your ex-boyfriend was your support system, but even with him, the load was still heavy. You still held on to a lot of things, and they were sinking you into the deep ocean. He was always there to be your anchor, but a part of you didn’t want to be his burden. He deserved better than that.
A part of you was thinking that at that point in his life, he should be off planning a life with a woman and not picking up the pieces of the person you once were. You felt too heavy for everything and everyone, especially him.
You could not fulfill his needs. Sleepovers turned into nights where he held you closely, but you remained wide awake, pondering how life went downhill for you.
“I wish I were better for you,” you sobbed quietly as you caressed his face as he slept.
You knew you were experiencing something and you needed help, but you didn’t dare to acknowledge it. All you could grasp back then was that you were still highly functional. You remained your usual self at work and at home, suppressing any emotions that would come up at any point of the day.
No one knew how you would fight tears as a simple thing reminded you of the person who believed in you, aside from your own parents. You always longed for all of it to be just a bad dream, and that when you wake up, your beloved aunt has a message for you to read.
You felt so empty. You couldn’t give anything to anyone. You were on autopilot, gasping when you realized you were doing things subconsciously and overthinking if you did them right.
It felt like being in a dream that you were falling into an endless pit, screaming your lungs out. Yet, you seemed fine. You were still smiling despite feeling shit.
You were an empty cup, not even a single drop present—just dry. You could not even force yourself to cry just to let it out and feel. The whole new dynamic and grief took the soul out of you.
So you left one morning.
You took a bus going to a province up north. You placed your phone on silent and walked around the province.
Twenty thousand steps.
It took you that many steps until you saw the many missed calls from your mother and ex-boyfriend, so when the phone vibrated, and you saw it was him, you answered.
“Baby, where were you?!” He exclaimed, angry and relieved.
Then you started sobbing, chest heaving. The tears finally came. As rain drizzled, cooling the area where you stopped to eat your first meal of the day, you wept.
“Baby, I’m here,” your ex-boyfriend said from the other end of the line.
He knew and understood.
You knew that it was time to leave, too. You could not drag the man you loved to where you were. He never deserved that.
You wanted to leave, but can’t. It was July. You had to celebrate your first anniversary with him. Then it was August. Your birthdays were in the same week.
“Happy birthday, Love,” he whispered.
You only gave him a slight smile and blew out the lit candle on top of the cake he carried. You wished that he would fully accept the fact that you were leaving.
When it was his birthday, you went all out. You cooked a lot of food he loved and called all his friends and family. You wanted him to know he was loved. You wanted to make sure he was aware of the people who would always have his back. You were preparing to leave.
This gesture confused your then-boyfriend. He felt you slipping through his fingers. He was scared to admit he was losing you because you were, by far, the one he loved the most. Yet, a voice in him kept telling him that the person you once was was no longer there.
Then came the day you were both dreading. It started with heavy rain while he came over to your house, then the electricity was out, and so was the internet. You were in panic because you were in the middle of work that day. It was a busy day, so you were stressed and contacting everyone. Your ex-boyfriend kept telling you to calm down, but you were not able to grasp anything.
“Love,” he held your arms to stop you from moving around.
Then came the hot, fat tears that started flowing from your eyes to your cheeks, down to your skin. You pushed him away, unable to receive more of his affections. You felt suffocated and defeated by his warmth—guilty that you couldn’t take more of his love that you always knew was genuine.
“I’m so tired. I’m so down. I can’t do this anymore,” You told him truthfully.
Then you both found yourselves in the middle of the living room. Your ex-boyfriend was sitting on the long wooden chair, and you were kneeling in front of him.
“Please let me go,” you sobbed.
“I can’t do that,” he admitted.
“Please. I beg you. Let me go. I cannot have you give up on me, too. Please let me go before you start resenting me,” you begged.
He was crying, too. As the storm poured all the rain and blew the wind it had in it, the world you once shared broke down, too.
Your ex-boyfriend could not deny you a way out—not when you knelt and begged for it.
So for the remainder of the storm, you said your goodbyes and held each other because you both knew that once the skies cleared, you were going to be living separate lives.
-
Present
You woke up with just two hours to prepare for the party.
You’re currently cursing as you wear the heels you specifically bought for the pink dress you bought for the occasion.
You were not able to sleep well. All you could think of was what to say if he were there. You’re afraid that he might still be angry. You’re afraid to see him be with his family, holding a kid who should have been yours if life had never fucked you up in many ways.
You’re not ready to see the consequences of your actions.
No amount of therapy can prepare you to see the man you deeply loved.
“Girly pop, where are you?!” Joy asks over the phone as you close the door of the car you booked.
“I’m on my way. I should be there in an hour,” you tell her.
Maybe ticking the silent ride option in the app was a mistake today. It only makes you feel nervous about this party. You were not really informed that he and Mingyu are in the same circle of friends when you started dating. You only found out when his group decided to go on a couples’ trip.
His being there has at least seventy percent chances. He and Mingyu have been friends since they were in college, despite him being the former’s senior for two years.
-
2025
You were miserable after the breakup. Work started getting worse, too, but you were motivated to drown yourself in it.
“You’re not the company’s heir,” Wonwoo reminded you jokingly as you both packed your things after overtime work.
“I’m not?” You gasped dramatically, causing a sarcastic laugh from your friend.
Work was terrible, but it was the least of your worries during that time. The situation at home was worse. Your cousins moved out of the house they rented beside your childhood home after their mother died. Your mother was not the same, still mourning for her closest sister. When she had the chance to leave the city for a vacation, she gladly did—almost with no intention to return.
You were alone, and it was the first time everything sank in. You would wake up at night after reliving the breakup in your dream or the day you received the call that your aunt was in an accident. The night slowly became your enemy, attacking you at your most vulnerable state.
You knew you were wrong to let him go, but you had nothing to offer him anymore. You had no one because the person you least expected to leave was in the province, living the best life she could have, making you feel like you were a burden, a memory of life she got tired of living.
It was all too much to take in.
“I’m going to turn in. I’m tired,” You told your team, standing up to retreat to your room.
It was your team building somewhere in Subic. It was not the usual activity-packed but rather a calm one. Maybe it was because the whole team knew it was a heavy year for everyone. It was just hellish.
You were too tired for everything, and despite drinking melatonin, you couldn’t sleep. Your mind was too worked up to even trigger sleep.
You focused your mind on the sound of the waves. It felt like peace.
But you were greedy. You wanted more of that. You were desperate for peace, so you started walking.
Then you were on the shore. More.
Then you were walking on the shallow waters, wetting your clothes in the process. More.
As you walked further, letting the waters reach your neck, you closed your eyes. More.
“Oh god.”
You were suddenly yanked back to the shore.
“Nagpapakamatay ka ba? (Are you trying to kill yourself?).”
Wonwoo.
You were both wet. He was holding your arms just like your ex-boyfriend did that day you broke up with him. You could not answer him.
When you opened your mouth, you just sobbed and collapsed in his arms.
He did not say anything anymore but held you for hours as you cried like you did when your father died.
You were suddenly truly helpless.
-
Present
“Hi!” Hailey and the rest of the gang greet you with warm hugs.
It’s a blue moon occurrence for your group to be complete, but this day is too special to be missed by everyone. Isabella’s finally near her fairytale ending.
You look good. The dress you’re wearing matches the occasion, and your makeup is good today despite cramming and finishing the rest of it in the car because you prioritized curling your hair. You were twenty minutes late, but the program hasn’t started yet.
You put on your best smile, concealing the fact that you’ve been having a relapse since yesterday. Today cannot be ruined by everything, not when two of your closest friends are celebrating their upcoming union.
Joy rests her head for a few seconds on your shoulder as she passes by to encourage. You keep telling yourself you’re going to be fine despite everything.
Four years have passed. A lot of things have changed.
You keep on reminding yourself.
“Hi.”
You know that voice, despite not hearing it for the past few years.
“Seungcheol.”
-
2025
Due to the circumstances you were in, Wonwoo had no choice but to reach out to the friend he thought you were closest to. He was just desperate to save you before it was too late.
Joy cried when Wonwoo told her about what happened in Subic. She was afraid of losing you.
“I did not know she felt alone,” she told him over the phone, crying.
You were your usual self, trying to deflect and being ashamed of what happened that night. You knew you were under Wonwoo and Joy’s watchful eyes.
You told Wonwoo everything, and he listened as you turned into a kid, telling him everything that hurt you. Joy and the rest of your friend group knew this seven years into the friendship because you were too guarded and afraid to tell people your secrets and trauma.
Yet, those walls crumbled when you also started fighting for your life.
“Does he know about this?” Wonwoo asked you.
You only shook your head.
-
You look at him.
Seungcheol. Your ex-boyfriend.
“Hi,” he greets again, before inviting you to a hug.
You still can’t wrap your head around the fact that you’re face-to-face with him and he’s holding you once again. He still smells the same.
When he pulls away, you look at him. He aged, but he looks better. His cheeks are a little fuller now, but those brown eyes still manage to take your breath away.
“How are you?” He asks.
“I’m okay,” you respond.
Yet, it’s like you’re just convincing yourself rather than answering his question.
“How about you?” You choke out, trying to conceal the fact that you’re so nervous to see him again.
“I’m good. I’m busy with work,” he tells you.
“Same ol’ you then,” you manage to shoot back, making him chuckle.
-
2026
Sick of being watched closely by Wonwoo and Joy, you started therapy. You understood they were just scared to lose you, but the constant checking instead of taking care of the budding relationship they were obviously having annoyed you.
Initially, it was just to get less supervision from the two, but there were a lot of breakthroughs in those sessions you had.
“What made you think it was the best decision to break things off?” Your therapist asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m just wanting control. I just did not want to see him give up on me just like everyone else,” you answered.
“Did you see your biological father in him?” She asked.
“No. He was far from that motherfucker. He was everything I wished for, which is why I don’t think I’ll be able to handle him leaving me,” you said.
Then it was a breakthrough.
You cut him off on everything. You blocked him everywhere the previous year, so you had no idea what was up with him. It was just useless and nonsense on your part to secretly keep up with him because it was you who made the mistake of begging him to break up.
You managed to get ahead of him, pulling stunts to erase traces of your relationship because you couldn’t bear to witness that part.
You just think it was the best thing to do to guard your heart.
Yet, 2026 taught you that the best way to guard your heart was to entrust it with someone you love and adore.
-
Present
You want to ask him how he is. Is he married? Does he have a kid already?
But you’re too awkward to ask. You’re not at that level of conversation anyway.
“I have to go back. You know,” you tell him, pouting your lips in the direction of your friend group’s table.
“Of course,” He chuckles, understanding what you mean.
Seungcheol remembers all of that.
You try not to look like you’re in a rush to exit from that awkward encounter with your ex-boyfriend.
Louise is singing Muling Ibalik as you sit down beside her. Your cheeks are red from the awkwardness and the teasing from your friends, but you’re relieved to know he’s not too angry. He can still be civil with you even after all the shit you put him through.
The party finally starts.
You breathe deeply, wishing to get through the day as it’s starting to drain you immediately.
-
2027
You have been in therapy for a year already. A lot changed.
Wonwoo and Joy officially started dating. They would include you on some dates, claiming they need to bond with their firstborn.
You started laughing genuinely again.
It was a tough journey. Therapy made you face and relive memories your brain forgot as a defense mechanism. It was exhausting, but you braved it because you wanted to be better.
You owed it to yourself to face everything and change because you lost a lot in the process of getting to where you were that year.
You started a new job, leaving Wonwoo alone at the company you had been at for the past few years of your life.
Daunting. It was the word to describe it, but you were to start fresh.
“That gentleman over there just bought you a Spanish Latte, Miss,” the waiter said, placing a tall glass of coffee on your table as you work on your dissertation as part of your master's degree.
His name was Jeonghan.
Maybe a new chance at love, too.
-
Present
“I know, baby. I’ll be home soon,” he coos, obviously on the phone.
“I love you,” he says, mouthing the words clearly to emphasize them to whoever’s at the end of the line.
That’s Seungcheol. You came from the bathroom. You just want to go back to your table to continue with the program, but instead, you overheard your ex-boyfriend talking on the phone.
Of course, he’ll move on. His life goes on without you.
You gulp at the thought, then remind yourself that it was the consequence of your past actions.
This party has managed to bring out every emotion you were able to control for the past few years. You’re mentally taking notes of what to say to your therapist.
As you go back to your seat, the program is on the next part now.
“As the wedding nears, they will need more help from you, guys. To help them with this special moment in their lives, the bride and groom will be announcing their bridesmaids and groomsmen,” the host happily declares.
You know you’re one of them. It’s been discussed by your friends that you’ll be each other’s bridesmaids during each other’s weddings. You played the role during Hailey’s and Jade’s weddings. Louise and Tia could not be married to their partners in this country, unfortunately. You’re going to be Joy’s bridesmaid when Wonwoo decides to finally propose. You, on the other hand, doubt if you’ll ever have a wedding of your own.
Your relationship with Jeonghan was brief, even shorter than what you had with Seungcheol. Yet, it was not that painful that what was with the latter. Jeonghan understood. Though his sad eyes told you that he loved you more than the way he delivered those three words to you the whole time together, he was happy to let you go. He understood that you were and are still a lost soul, drifting and looking for the way home.
Jeonghan knew he was a stop and not the destination. Yet, he taught you love can be light and profound at the same time—that it can be understanding and quiet. You were late to realize once again that what you had with him was deeper than you thought it was and than what you intended.
So you do what you always do. You live with the consequences of your actions.
“We paired our groomsmen and bridesmaids to make wedding preparations easier,” Mingyu smirks, almost in a mischievous manner. You missed out as you thought of your second ex-boyfriend.
On the screen, the pairings flashed.
“Gago. Seungcheol at ikaw oh (That’s you and Seungcheol),” Louise shakes you back to reality.
“What the hell,” you mutter.
You truly accept the consequences of your actions, but this one feels like a joke being played on you by your friends. Seungcheol seems to have moved on and already has a family to come home to. Why the heck would they pair him up with you?
“To all the names on the screen, go to the side of the stage so you can get familiar with each other,” Mingyu says on the mic.
You have no choice but to cooperate. After all, it’s Isabela you’re supporting and not anybody else. You’re here for her and the rest of your friends. You have no other choice but to suck it up.
You convince yourself some more as the whole situation seems too daunting.
“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asks when he senses the tension you’re feeling.
“I should be asking you that question,” you reply, almost quietly.
“Not to be nosy, but I was just on my way to the powder room when I heard you talking to your wife, girlfriend, or whatever. It’s probably awkward to be paired with your ex-girlfriend for a wedding,” you ramble, so you can just get over the awkwardness you’re feeling.
“Oh, that,” he chuckles.
“Remember Dahlia? She’s eight now and always looks for me. I’m not married nor in a relationship. I never had a much longer relationship than ours after the breakup,” he clarifies.
Hearing that gives you some relief. Yet, hearing the last sentence broke your heart. Did you traumatize him so much that he never had anyone that long after you?
“Oh, I’m sorry,” you trail because you really, truly feel sorry for a lot of reasons.
Yet, the point of all the countless apologies you want to tell him is for breaking his heart almost five years ago.
“It’s okay. It’s been so long. I’m just glad to see you again,” he tells you.
You feel like something’s stuck in your throat, and tears threaten to come down. You truly haven’t forgiven yourself for all the wrong decisions you made because of a wrong perception of things.
Your therapist, a middle-aged lady who reminds you of those jolly old aunties who work as guidance counselors in your school, always told you that you cannot truly fall in love and sustain relationships because fear has always commandeered your responses and actions towards love. Those relationships may have bloomed but never lasted because of it.
Seungcheol is the living proof of it, and his reappearance in your life is starting to make you beat yourself up once again.
You can see your therapist’s calm and smiley demeanor as her voice echoes in your head. While it creeps you out at times, you’re amazed at how psychiatrists look collected despite listening to some of the darkest secrets a person can possess—how they can look put together when their patient turns into a sobbing mess, recalling that point in their life where everything went south for them.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Seungcheol asks.
You cannot open your mouth because you feel a lot of emotions all at once and tears are still threatening to fall, so you nod. It’s just that difficult to see the one you truly loved and still feel angry at yourself for all the bad choices you’ve made.
—
Isabela and Mingyu’s wedding is a grandiose event. Isabela’s prominent family in the North and Mingyu’s rich family from Visayas are all coming and preparing for it. It’s the event of the year.
Life goes on for you, except you’re meeting your ex-boyfriend almost more than twice a month to work on whatever’s needed for the wedding and for the couple. The bridesmaids and groomsmen are working on an elaborate plan for their bridal shower and stag party.
Everything’s kind of fast-paced as the wedding is scheduled seven months after the engagement party. The pairings stayed true to their purpose. All pairs have tasks to work on, which means you and Seungcheol go on long drives to try out venues for the party or pay the suppliers on behalf of the couple in various locations.
There has been progress on your end, though. You have started to grow comfortable around your ex-boyfriend’s presence, as your throat does not get tight whenever he shows you kindness or whenever you feel sorry for causing him pain.
“How’s work today?” He asks, breaking the silence inside his car.
“I’m okay. Pagod lang siguro (Maybe just tired),” you reply.
You worked half a day on a Saturday, as your boss requested to have you assist her.
“Do you want me to lower the car seat for you? Higa ka muna and matulog (Lie down and sleep),” he offers.
“I’m okay,” you tell him.
Seungcheol doesn’t argue with you anymore. He can sense the aloofness in you. He knows you’re not that unsympathetic to him—there are just a lot of things you haven’t talked about since you parted ways. One thing he’s sure of is that he misses you despite everything.
You arrive at a cozy events place in Antipolo that you found through Facebook. It’s where you want to celebrate the bridal shower for Isabela. Since you and Seungcheol are in charge of ocular inspection, you invited him to go with you.
“Madam, for the taste testing, here are the foods that we want you to choose from,” the manager of the place says as servers put down bowls and plates of various foods for you two to taste.
You start with the appetizers, getting a piece of each. Everything seems great, so you discuss with Seungcheol the possible finger foods you’d like to have for appetizers and snacks while drinking.
“I just know you love the dynamite served,” he cackles as he wipes his mouth to remove the excess oil.
“Yeah. I do like it,” you reply with a half smile.
Seungcheol still remembers your love for anything spicy. He remembers how you love buying dynamite from a food cart in a park near your home. He loved walking with you to go there back then. He loved the way he would toy with the tip of your fingers as you waited for your order. He loved sleeping over at your house and walking at night with you at the park, so he was surprised to pick you up from the lobby of a condominium somewhere in Makati when you started doing your pre-wedding tasks.
You move on to the viands and pastas. After trying out the three pastas served, you decided to go for pesto and spaghetti. Then came the oxtail kare-kare and the crispy version. You almost moaned upon tasting it.
“Wow,” you blurt out.
“You like it?” Seungcheol smiles.
“I love it,” you correct him, much to his surprise.
Back when you were together, you always told him how you never liked sweet-tasting viands, especially those with cream but not paired with beef. Despite the confusion, he’s glad to see you enjoy the food. The way you closed your eyes and made little sounds made him remember those days you both would camp in his kitchen, tasting the goods you baked after trying out the oven he bought a few years before he met you. It was never used until you had the idea to bake brownies, trying to recreate the one you ate at a cafe somewhere in the south, as you were too busy to drive for a few hours just to get a box. Neither one of you is experienced in baking, but as long as you have each other in the kitchen and have sloppy makeouts and kisses as you wait for the baking to finish, nothing could ever go wrong.
After finalizing the menu, you realize how much time you spent inside the venue.
“The sun is going down, Cheol,” you point out, worrying that you might have taken too much of his personal time.
“It’s still traffic around Cogeo. Might as well spend some more hours here. Kape tayo? (Let’s have some coffee?)” He asks, smiling and showing his dimples.
“You sure? You might have to be somewhere,” you reply with a hint of worry in your voice.
“I knew being in Antipolo would mean spending a whole day here, so I made sure this day is clear for us,” Seungcheol assures you.
“Plus, it’s nice to be back here with you,” he mutters.
“We used to drive around here after visiting your papa,” he reminisces, much to your surprise.
You look at him, and the tightness in your throat comes back as guilt rushes in.
“You still remember that?” You ask him.
“It was one of the good memories I had of you. I remember praying and talking to your father because I wanted to get his approval,” he grins as he recalls what he would do back then.
“I’m sure my papa loved you, Cheol. You were so perfect,” you reply, being mindful not to crash then and there.
What’s the purpose of feeling the guilt anyway? You have managed to break his heart deeply.
“You were so perfect, too,” he tells you.
“Eomma still looks for you from time to time,” he chuckles.
“How is she?” You ask.
“She’s healthy despite being older now. She cares for Dahlia and the new baby our family has,” he answers, giving you the cup of freshly brewed matcha you ordered.
“A baby, huh?” You grin.
“Yeah, my older brother had a new baby this year. Boy. He’s a big baby. I loved being around him,” he says.
“You always loved kids, Seungcheol. My nieces loved you,” you recount the memories of him playing with them.
“We could have had ours now if we made it,” he states, making you quiet because he’s right.
“I was really sure you would be the mother of my children, you know?” He adds.
You cannot say anything. You’re just feeling guilty and sorry. Tears start to fall from your eyes. Seungcheol notices this and hands you so napkins, apologizing for what he has said.
“Patawarin mo ako, Cheol (Forgive me, Cheol).”
“I already forgave you a long time ago. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” he tells you assuringly.
Without any second thoughts, you hug him.
“Laging mas mangingibabaw ang pagmamahal ko sa’yo sa kahit ano mang galit o poot sa puso ko. (My love for you will always prevail over any anger or hatred in my heart.)”
You feel his embrace and the comfort and familiarity it has on you, despite years of not being held by your ex-boyfriend. Unlike the last time he held you as you sobbed in his chest, you are not saying goodbye this time.
“Akala mo ba galit pa rin ako? (You thought I was still mad?)” He asks.
You nod on his chest.
“Hindi na. Hindi rin kita matiis (I’m not anymore. I also can’t resist you.),” he chuckles.
For the rest of the night, Seungcheol has held you in his arms, laughing over the memories you recall with him.
—
“How are you? Tell me about your recent happenings,” Your therapist asks as she flashes her jolly grin.
“I’ve been doing well at work. I got interviewed for a possible promotion,” you tell her.
“You’ve always been good at it. I think it’s the one aspect we did not have any trouble with in past years,” she replies, to which you agree.
“How about your personal life? You’re still working on the wedding, right?”
You nod.
“Well, Doc, my ex and I are okay now. He told me he forgave me a long time ago,” you confess.
“Seungcheol, right? So how was it? What did you feel?” She asks.
“I still feel some guilt. I know I really did a number on him when I begged him to break up. He told me he never had anyone around longer than me,” you continue.
“How is it now with him?” She asks.
“It’s really good. We see each other often as the wedding nears. We’re closer. However…” You trail.
“What is it?” Your doctor asks.
“I can sense that he wants more than what we have now. I try to ignore it, but I can feel it. It may be half a decade ago, but the feeling’s still familiar,” you tell her.
“What do you feel?” She quips.
“I feel unsure. I just don’t want him to feel hurt again. I don’t want to cause pain again. I feel like I’ll hurt him again,” you say as tears fall down your cheek.
You’ve been having a great time watching Seungcheol laugh at your silly retorts over the wedding plans and mundane things around you. He has always been easy to crack over your jokes and wit. Watching his toothy grin as his eyes closed made you remember what made you fall in love with him. He has always been gentle with you, nose scrunching out of adoration for you as you make those gestures that made him love every bit of you.
You can’t give it up yet. You can’t let go of the things that make you realize why you will always love him.
“Dear, as I’ve told you countless times, fear over love will cost you everything. Learn to forgive yourself, too. You’ll be sure of what you’re feeling,” she mutters as she smiles at you.
“You’ve come a long way now, you know? It’s time to finally step up and do what will make you happy.”
—
Being the self-saboteur you’ll always be, when the wedding tasks are finished, and the bridal and stag parties are done, you have lain low from all the interactions with your ex-boyfriend. You have been sending late responses to his text messages, using your promotion as an excuse to be unavailable to meet and talk.
You’re still afraid because to hurt Seungcheol once is enough, but making him go through that again for being with you is insanity. You’ve done it twice already. Even the poor Jeonghan was not spared from this issue of yours, despite being in therapy when you met him. Doing it for the third time and to Seungcheol once again is just plain wrong and evil.
As usual, you divert your attention to work, hyperfixating on the thought of brainstorming projects to promote automation and efficiency at work. Joy has been reminding you not to spend so much time working as the wedding nears.
“What’s up?” She asks as you both lie down on the bed.
It’s your sleepover again.
“I think everything is repeating all over again,” you tell her truthfully.
She faces you, gesturing that she’s all ears.
“Seungcheol and I were on good terms for the past few months, and I can sense that he wants more than that, but I’m unsure,” you confess.
“Why ‘were’?” She asks.
“I’ve been avoiding him. I just don’t know what to do,” you answer.
“I know I’ve been quite reluctant to listen to you talk about him for the past few years, but believe me when I say that I like Seungcheol for you,” Joy admits.
“He’s done a lot, and I’ve seen that,” she adds.
Hearing your best friend say such makes it more confusing for you. Joy seems to be vague.
—
For some reason, the wedding of the year was a blur for you. You were focused on the execution of things, so you were not able to appreciate every little detail. Upon seeing one of the tasks under you get ticked, you moved on to the next.
You were in work mode.
Isabela is grateful, though. She did not become the bridezilla she feared she would become due to the tremendous amount of support from her friends and family who she appointed as her bridesmaids, which includes you.
As things for you get easier at the reception, you sit down at the table where you’re assigned. You take a deep breath, looking at the setup and admiring the visual harmony of the floral design and cozy lights of the venue.
You have always been a fan of weddings. When you were younger, you remember having a visual board of your dream wedding on Pinterest. Your former manager even teased you, saying that you were secretly attending expos to prepare. When you met Seungcheol, the dream of being married got bigger. You remember picturing him waiting for you at the end of the altar when his hair got longer and looked more like a husband than just a boyfriend. You imagine him carrying you in bridal style as you go home to your newly built home, the promised place where you’ll raise two to three kids with him, along with two dogs. With Seungcheol having Kkuma now, the vision is not too far from reality. You see, having another dog with him, a pitbull named Spike, a character from Tom and Jerry, your favorite cartoon show. Despite the flings and some first dates back in college, it was with Seungcheol that you saw a future. It was not daunting for some reason, but given the circumstances now, it’s somehow become wishful thinking.
You watch Mingyu and Isabela in the middle of the dance floor, swaying as the music plays. A lot of couples are dancing with them. An old ballad you know, but have forgotten the title, is being played by the DJ. The spotlights are warmer now, and everything feels so romantic. Joy, who caught Isabela’s bouquet earlier, is dancing with Wonwoo—her head is leaning on his chest as his arms are around her waist.
It’s like the movies. Romantic. Perfect.
“Can I have this dance?”
Seungcheol offers his arm to you. Not wanting to ruin such an occasion, you accept it. He guides both of you to the dance floor.
“I know I may have been vague about things lately, but I hate the way you’re avoiding me,” he tells you.
You look away, feeling guilty. Seungcheol tilts your chin with his fingers in a gentle manner to make you face him.
“I still love you,” he confesses.
“Please don’t run away from me or beg me to leave,” he pleads.
“I hurt you,” you answer.
“And I’ve forgiven you. Learn to forgive yourself, too,” he tells you.
“I’m scared to hurt you again,” you admit.
“We’ll always hurt each other in different ways, you know? I guess it all boils down to the way we’re willing to work things out, and I’d rather get hurt than miss a life without you,” he says.
“I’m sorry, Cheol,” you apologize as you shake your head and leave the dancefloor.
Seungcheol sighs as you walk away.
—
You left the wedding without saying goodbye to everyone. You just needed some time to think. You’ve been sending late responses to friends ever since, using work as an excuse once again.
Drowning in work seems ineffective as a distraction, though. Your doctor has warned you of burnout due to this practice, and at this point, you cannot afford to have that, so you decided to take a leave. A week where you do not have anything planned. You just act on any urge or craving.
On the third day of your leave, Wednesday, to be exact, you decided to visit a new cafe in your area in Makati. It has been creating some buzz on TikTok for its Spanish latte, matcha, and hojicha. You chose to try the last two as you avoid coffee most of the time.
“Hi! Can I order one large matcha latte?” You say to the man behind the counter as you look down at the menu that’s on its surface.
“One large matcha. On the house.”
You frown in confusion upon hearing it’s for free, so you look up.
“Jeonghan,” you smile.
Your ex-boyfriend has excused himself from the counter to have a seat with you at one of the round tables.
“Congratulations. I didn’t know you’re a cafe owner now,” you say, still grinning.
“Remember when I used to blend your matcha whenever you slept at my place?” He recalls.
You nod.
“I didn’t know that your hobby would lead you to this. I’m proud of you,” you tell him.
“My best friend, Joshua, I know you remember him—we own this. I work on operations, and he financed everything since he wants to find more reasons to stay longer here in the Philippines,” he explains to you.
“Is he here?” You ask.
“He’s been out with his current girlfriend since after lunch, so it’s just the staff and me here,” he answers.
“How are you?” He asks.
“I’m on leave,” you mutter as you sip on your drink.
“You must have something on your mind. You don’t really take a leave even if you’re sick,” he states.
“You still remember things about me,” you trail.
“Of course. Though our relationship was short-lived, I loved you, and we parted on good terms,” Jeonghan responds, grinning.
“I’m sorry, Han,” you say.
“What for?” He asks.
“Because I think I wasn’t able to reciprocate the love you gave me. I looked back and felt like I was inadequate for you,” you continue.
“You were not inadequate. You just haven’t figured some things out about yourself. Plus, you were healing when I met you. You made me feel loved despite that. You did your best,” he assures you.
“Was I good to you, Hannie?” You ask.
“You were. You have to pat yourself on the back, babe. You’ve always doubted your capacity to love. Yet, you were one of the best girls I’ve met in my life. You were one of the reasons why I made this dream happen,” he affirms.
“Would it be funny if I ask you for some advice?” You ask again.
“I’m guessing. Boy problems?” He asks back.
You nod, causing him to giggle. He nods endearingly.
“My first boyfriend, the one before you, wants to get back together, but I’m so scared to hurt him again. I left all the relationships I had, you know? I can’t do it to him twice. That’s just sinister,” you sigh.
“Then let your fear motivate you to do better. You have always been afraid of vulnerability, you know? I’ve sensed it when we got together, but there were good days when you forget all of that and turn into this fun-loving, affectionate, and sweet girlfriend. I’ve always loved it,” he musters, holding your hand that’s on the table.
“And I’ve always sensed that he’s the one for you, so I hope you don’t let it go. I’ve always wished for your happiness because you’re truly one of the best I've had.”
Vulnerability.
Maybe you never did show Seungcheol some vulnerability in you. When you were together a few years back, you were high from all of the achievements you had then, the crash happened, and you did not know what to do. You were still navigating your first relationship, so you really didn’t have an idea of how to lean on him.
You were never dependent on anybody since you were a raging teen.
You say your goodbyes to Jeonghan after an afternoon of catch-up.
“I'd better get an invitation to your wedding, okay?” He jokes before hugging you.
You laugh and embrace him.
—
You’re at the Kim residence. Isabela and Mingyu has invited you over for some beer and chicken to thank you for your help during the wedding and some important financial decisions they seeked your advice for. You have decided to use it as time to contact Seungcheol as well. You thought that with Mingyu and Isabela talking your ear off, it would be easier to shoot a message. For some reason, you’re still chickening out even though you have decided to talk to your ex-boyfriend. Your hands are cold from nervousness as you delete another draft of text message again. This should be easy.
Yet, how is it too daunting for you?
“I love him,” you whisper, trying to remind yourself for motivation.
You close your eyes and breathe deeply.
“Hey.”
That voice. You turn around to see Seungcheol.
“Hi,” you greet back, swallowing nervously.
“Mingyu and Isabela went to the liquor store to get some beer. They told me to just get in,” he explains.
“Okay,” you answer.
Seungcheol walks away going to the kitchen.
“Cheol,” you breathe.
This should be it.
He turns to look at you. Now or never, right?
“I tried to take my life after we broke up,” you say.
“I know,” he replies.
“I’ve talked to Wonwoo and Joy for the past few years to check up on you because I know you will not leave me without any reason,” he adds.
“I didn’t want to burden you with everything,” you explain.
“You will never be a burden to me,” he speaks softly as he approaches to cup your cheek.
“I grew up thinking that love is conditional—that when I become more of a liability than an asset, I’ll get discarded on the side and watch somebody better being adored and loved by everyone which made me scared because if I showed you who I really am, you’ll leave me just like anybody else,” you confess.
He hugs you. As he holds you in his arms, you tell him everything you’ve wanted to tell him. Showing him vulnerability is speaking your pains and fears out loud—to finally recognize that they’re the parts of you that he needs to know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
You told him about how your biological parents left you with a lot of emotional issues. He never knew about the extra pair of parents you had, the sperm and egg donors. You told him how being your parents’ only child in their forties gave you the pressure to become their sole care provider. You told him that your father’s family never looked at you as his own which made it easy for them to cut you and your mother off as they always hated her for your father.
It was all the things you rarely spoke about as they stir these emotions inside you that you have yet to learn how to control.
You just wanted Seungcheol to see the entirety of you, including the parts that made you ugly.
You just sob in his chest like a baby, helpless and wishing for him to stay despite knowing who you are now.
“I’m sorry,” you cry.
Relief rushes in as he lets his lips linger on your forehead as he embraces you. It’s not just you that he’s holding. It’s also the younger you who have been wondering if there’s someone she’ll trust with words she never blurted out.
You sigh heavily and lean on him.
“It’s okay and I’m sorry, too. I wished I fought for us. Sana hindi ko hinayaang umalis ka. (I wish I didn’t let you go.) You must’ve felt so lonely,” he replies as he sobs into your neck.
“I’m here now. Hindi kita iiwanan. Hindi kita paaalisin. Magkasama na tayo habambuhay. (I will never leave you. I will never let you go. We’ll stay together forever.)”
And just like that, the second wind has taken over, giving a fresh breath of air to two hearts that are meant to always stay together despite all.
• the definition of a REAL MAN. no one has ever treated you with as much respect or given you as much love as seungcheol has.
• you're his pretty little passenger princess and he's your personal chauffeur.
• mom and dad of the group, duhhhh.
• he would drop anything and everything just to give you his undivided attention, no matter how important it is.
• yes. he would still love you if you were a worm.
• he would definitely give you his bank card without a second thought. it would also be linked to your phone, he insists on you using it always and would throw a fit when you don't.
• you would also give him your card at times and he always takes it without a fight, but would never use it.
• would take you out on dates in which you can dress up pretty and maybe dine at a fancy and EXPENSIVE restaurant. don't be fooled though. he also pays attention to the little things so if you're into books, he's taking you to a library themed restaurant. if you like animals, he's booking a ticket to orlando and ya'll are going to the rainforest cafe or something.
• you would never have to lift a finger ever again.
• he would wash your car, fill it up with gas, and take it to go get serviced without any complaints.
• he would burn down the world for you.
• he always puts you first. if he had to pick between you or the company (if they ever made him choose) he doesn't even need to think, it would be you every time.
• also your body guard ! any social gathering ya'll attend, he always has his eyes on you no matter how far away you are from him.
• times in which you do drive yourself, ya'll are definitely the type of couple to have life 360 on each other. he would text you saying to slow the fuck down if you're speeding.
• no matter how much you insist he goes to sleep and no matter how late you're getting home — it could be 4 in the morning, he will ALWAYS wait up for you.
• he has the habit of buying you anything you even slightly mention. he also pays close attention to the things you look at when out shopping together and they would show up delivered to your apartment the next day. he would take the heat from you, but still would continue to spend his money on you.
• when you have a bad day, he is already there with open arms ready to give you the biggest bear hug and shield you from the rest of the world.
• whenever you two go out together, he always has a hand on your back to guide you through crowds or just so everyone knows that you're off limits.
• if you ever lose during game nights with friends or really anywhere, he would do the penalties for you!
• he always makes sure you're on the inside when walking near a street.
• if you ever doubt yourself or feel insecure, prepare for a long serious conversation with lots of tears because he WILL NOT be having any of that. no. not when he thinks you're one of the most beautiful, talented, and honorable people he knows.
• you have never felt so safe and secure than when he's around.
• he will constantly be saying "i love you." definitely the type to call you back immediately if you forget to say it and hang up.
• he has a personal agenda out for revenge against anyone who hurts or disrespects you in any type of way.
• he will be your designated driver for not only you BUT your friends as well during girl's night out.
• he may be competitive, but when it comes to you, he would let you win just so he can see a smile on your face.
• says he CAN'T (won't because he's stubborn) fall asleep if he's not cuddling you.
• he becomes the softest most kindhearted person in the world when it comes to you.
• he gets jealous easily, but he trusts you with his whole heart so he doesn't dwell on it for too long.
• when it comes to arguing, no matter if he was in the right or wrong, he is always the first to apologize. definitely the type to get you chocolate, flowers, and ALWAYS gets you a teddy bear after.
• would make you sit on his back when doing pushups or would give you a piggy back ride when he is doing pull-ups !
• he LOVES when you wear his clothes. you would always find his shirts or hoodies on your side of the closet and be like "hmm, how did this get here?" ask your boyfriend.
• rarely ever calls you by your name. always calls you baby or something cute. he also insists that you don't call him seungcheol. he will pout if you do.
• definitely impressed your parents right off the bat. your family absolutely adores him and your parents treat him like a son.
• he would tease you by giving you a hug when he's all sweaty after practice.
• he INSISTS on picking you up EVERYDAY after work.
Death came knocking at his door at 2 AM, eyes glazed over and the usually pristine, blood red lipstick on her lips a little smudged on the sides. She didn’t have to knock; really, she could have just appeared right in the middle of the room like she always did. Except, this visit wasn’t to take away a soul.
bringing this up again. i can’t believe how much my writing has changed in a few years wow. this is still, by far, my favorite piece i’ve ever written. i actually wrote this in 2016 for creative writing class, and i just changed the names and some details. back then, this was titled Memento Mori, but i thought i should name it something a little more lighthearted idk. reading it now feels so nostalgic lol.
pairing: vernon x reader
word count: 1.1k
warnings: none? the slightest bit suggestive at the end but like... it's nothing
author's note: part two to this fic! i would recommend reading both for it to make sense :)
You haven’t seen Vernon in four days.
You haven’t seen him since he kissed you — and he’d kissed you a lot.
You’d barely managed to finish the movie without making out on his couch like teenagers. And when it was over, he hadn’t asked you to stay — but he’d kissed you again by his front door.
You’d texted when you’d gotten home safe, as he’d requested. Then you’d woken up the next day to a ‘good morning :)’ text, which was swiftly followed by ‘today is so busy I might die’. And then the two of you had just… moved on.
He sends a Shrek meme and then disappears for hours; you laugh react or send a meme in return. He sends you a picture of a “gnarly” squirrel he sees on campus; you send him a picture of a shitty doodle you drew during one of your lectures. Neither of you brings up what happened. You know he’s got a project due at the end of the week, so you don’t push when his texts are few and far between. Even though you so desperately want to.
Is he thinking about it as much as you are? You can’t get the feeling of his lips out of your mind, and it’s driving you crazy. You want to kiss him again, want to run your fingers through his hair again, want to feel his hands on your waist again.
But you remain in limbo. You don’t ask for an explanation — he doesn’t offer one. And you don’t know how much longer you can ignore it.
Vernonie [8:34pm]: INCOMING VIDEOCALL
Your eyes widen when your screen lights up. You quickly straighten from where you’d been lounging on your couch, tucking your hair behind your ears and hoping for the best. He knows what you look like, you remind yourself, but that doesn’t help the nerves when you finally accept the call.
“Hey, stranger.”
He looks cute, and it makes you sick.
“Hey,” you reply, and you can feel your cheeks heat up for no apparent reason. All he’s done is say hello, but you haven’t seen his face in four days, and the last time you saw him you were —
“What’s up?”
“Nothing,” you say, and then you can’t help but blurt out, “You’ve been busy.” It comes out accusatory, and you regret it immediately.
Vernon looks surprised, and you watch as his eyebrows raise. “Yeah, I had that big project to finish, remember?”
You nod, avoiding eye contact through the screen. “Right.”
He’s quiet again before he says teasingly, “If you missed me you can just say so.”
You know it’s an attempt to lighten the mood, but it hits so deep all of a sudden that you think you might cry. Did he not miss you, too?
You know it’s a cheap move, but you absolutely cannot look at him when he tells you that the kissing had meant nothing, that it was all a mistake. That you’re better off as friends.
“Hey,” he says when you shift your phone so that your face is just out of sight. You can practically hear his pout. “Come back.”
“I’m just gonna go,” you say weakly, and you can see in your peripheral vision the way Vernon sits up straight.
“Hey, no. Wait. Please come back? Let me say something.”
You bite your lip as the tears well up. It takes you a minute, but you manage to take a breath and set your phone back upright to look at him.
“Y/N,” he says gently, and you can see his soft smile through the screen. “Bro.”
You can’t help but smile a bit at that, and he takes that as a sign to continue.
“Did you think I was avoiding you?”
You shrug.
“You think I kissed you and then avoided you on purpose?”
Your heart stutters over itself a bit as he says the words out loud. When he puts it like that, you suppose it sounds a bit silly. Because it’s Vernon, and he would never be so cruel. You shrug again, but you still can’t find it in you to speak.
“Kissing you is probably all I've thought about for the better part of the last few months,” he continues, and your eyes widen. “I wasn't deliberately avoiding you, I just... I was busy, that part’s true, but it seemed like a good time to give you some space anyway because I know you get into your head sometimes, so I thought that would give you some time to process…” He trails off, a hand running through his hair before he adds, quieter, “You know. In case you…”
“In case I what?” It’s the first time you’ve spoken in a few minutes, and you can practically see the way Vernon’s shoulders relax at the sound of your voice again.
He pauses, and then he says softly, “In case you regret it.”
Your eyes widen. “You think I regret it?”
“Do you?”
You shake your head, a bit dizzy as you return, “Do you?”
Vernon’s lip curls up at the side. “No, Y/N. I don’t.”
You’re processing, and he’s quiet as he lets you. He doesn’t regret it. He wanted to kiss you. He…
It’s silent for another moment and then you say, voice small, “But you didn’t ask me to stay.”
“Baby,” he says, and your eyes widen. “That’s definitely not because I didn’t want you to. Like I said, I was giving you space.”
“Baby?”
Vernon freezes. “Shit, sorry. Fuck—“
“It’s okay,” you interrupt, and he relaxes a little.
“Yeah?” He breathes, and you nod. A smile spreads across your lips, warmth spreading through you as it really, truly dawns on you — Vernon likes you back.
“Yeah,” you affirm. “I think I much prefer that to bro.”
“Yeah?” He says again, and you smile. You’re just realizing now that he seems nervous too, and it makes you feel all sorts of warm and fuzzy inside.
“Mhm.”
You stare at one another through the screen. Vernon’s grin spreads the longer you do, and even though you know your cheeks are flushed, you don’t stop the staring contest. He narrows his eyes, and you let out a giggle.
“So…”
“So,” he repeats, and you watch as he adjusts to lie down on his couch. “I finished my project.”
That was not where you thought this conversation was headed. “Oh yeah? Good job, bro.”
Vernon raises his eyebrows at the name, and you flush again.
“It’s habit,” you whine, and he puts on an exaggerated frown.
“That’s fine,” he sighs dramatically, “I was going to say that I can hang out with you now that my project is done, but I can see I’m the only romantic one here, bro.”
You gasp. “I can be romantic!”
Vernon grins, and you immediately know you’ve taken his bait as he teases, “Really?”
“I can!” You insist, and he just smiles even wider.
“Want me to come over so you can show me just how romantic you can be, baby?”
pairing: vernon x reader
word count: 1.2k
warnings: kissing, Shrek slander
request prompt: "You're cute." "What did you say?" + "are you flirting with me?" "I’ve been trying to do that for three years."
Read Part Two here!
A/N: Thanks so much for all the support on my 700 follower celebration. You guys rock! I'm doing my best to get through the requests, but there were way more than I anticipated so bear with me!
Vernonie [8:59pm]: we still on for tomorrow night?
Your heart leaps, like it always does, when Vernon’s name pops up on your screen.
Y/N [9:01pm]: yeah! see you then, bro
You sigh heavily, throwing your phone down onto the bed beside you and rolling over, pulling your pillow into your chest.
Bro.
It’s a defense mechanism, you know, but it’s getting a bit ridiculous now. You’ve taken to throwing out the word nervously when he gets too close – which seems to be more often than not lately. You’d been worried that your crush on Vernon was getting disgustingly apparent, and so you'd started with this whole "bro" nonsense. Now, you don’t know how to get out of it.
Every time he catches you looking at him and raises a dramatic brow; every time you’re making plans to hang out just the two of you; every time his hand accidentally brushes yours while he hands over a headphone for you to listen to a song – you find a way to call him 'bro'. So that he knows it’s all strictly platonic. Which it’s not, of course – not for you – but his friendship means more to you than anything in this world, and you’re not going to jeopardize that just because you think he’s hot. And kind. And funny.
Sure thing, bro. See you tomorrow, bro. I love movie nights with you, bro. I love when you show me new music or video games and your face lights up, bro. I love your eyes and the way you laugh at your own jokes, bro. While we're at it, your smile is pretty nice too, bro.
You close your eyes with a sigh.
"Thumb war."
"What?"
You’re sitting on the floor in Vernon’s apartment the next day, arguing over which movie to watch. It’s been at least a half hour of back and forth, so you'd decided to take matters into your own hands, and had proposed the most obvious solution.
"Thumb war," you repeat. "Winner gets to pick the movie."
Vernon eyes you warily. "Fine. You're on."
As soon as his fingers curl into yours, you can feel your stomach flutter. His touch sends goosebumps across your skin, and you regret the suggestion instantly, but you must carry on. For honour – and for the fact that if he makes you watch Shrek 2 again you might scream.
You square your shoulders and laugh at Vernon’s face, which has instantly turned competitive. You count down, and as your thumbs begin to battle, you feel the competitiveness in yourself grow, too.
“Yes!” You cry. You have him pinned.
You’re counting down when Vernon suddenly surges forward, your hands falling apart as you let out an ‘oof’ and fall to the ground. You let out a squeak as your back hits the floor with a soft thud, Vernon landing on top of you. His arms are on either side of your head as he pushes himself up a little, chest hovering above yours, and you can audibly hear the way your breath catches in your throat.
"Just shut up and let me pick a movie," he says breathlessly, and you’re sure you've forgotten how to breathe. His hips are between your knees, his chest pressed to yours, and you can feel every part of him against you.
"Make me shut up," come your words, and you regret it immediately. His eyebrows raise, just as surprised as you are, and you swear he falters a little.
"I will," he says back after a pause, and you can’t tear your gaze away from his. "I'll kiss you."
The blood is rushing to your cheeks before you have time to think. Around now would be the time that you look away, but he’s so close that you can’t. Your heart is nearly pounding out of your chest, and you’re certain he can hear it. Or feel it.
Your head is spinning as you force out a laugh before saying, "Okay, bro."
Vernon’s eyes search your face before meeting your gaze again. His expression is serious, and you hold your breath as you wait for him to react.
But all he does is stand up, holding his hands up in surrender. "You can choose.”
For the rest of the night, things feel a bit awkward between you. You don’t comment on it like you normally would, because Vernon hasn’t said anything, which means he’s probably forgotten and it’s just you that’s making it weird now. You make it through your pick, and then he surprises you by picking one of your other favourites to watch as a second movie. It’s sweet, but you’re confused since he'd caused such a fuss earlier.
As the movie progresses, you begin to relax a little. You can feel Vernon’s eyes on you as you giggle to yourself, and you shoot him a glare.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He shakes his head. You turn back to the TV, focusing again when you hear him add, quieter, “You’re cute.”
Your head whips back in his direction. He avoids your gaze this time, the only telltale sign he notices you looking shown in the way he fidgets with the remote.
“What did you say?”
“I said you’re annoying.”
You think ignoring everything that’s just transpired in the last minute is probably for the best.
“I’m about to be really annoying, then,” you quip – and then you begin to quote line after line.
It’s one of his biggest pet peeves, and he knows you’re doing it on purpose. You continue, waiting for him to break. It doesn’t take very long.
"Oh my god. Shut up." You can hear the smile in his voice, and you know you aren’t annoying him that much.
"Make me," you shoot back without thinking, your heart stopping as you quickly remember where those two words had gotten you just a couple of hours before. You think Vernon is holding his breath, too, and you resist the urge to shrink even further back into his couch. Don’t make it weird, it’s fine, you’re just joking, don’t make it –
Vernon’s hand is on your face before you can finish your thought, tilting your chin up towards him – and then he’s kissing you.
When he pulls back, it takes a second for your eyes to flutter open again. And when they do, he’s already looking back at you, unwavering. His thumb brushes against your chin before he smirks and says, eyebrows raised, "I told you I would, bro.”
Your mouth is agape as he drops his hand and turns back to the movie. You feel a bit like your entire brain is resetting as you process what just happened.
“Are you flirting with me?”
“I’ve been trying to do that for like, three years now, so… yeah.”
“You kissed me.”
Vernon looks at you again now, and you absolutely cannot understand how he’s so calm about all of this. Smiling about it, even. “I did. Thoughts?”
Your friend is stoic at the best of times, but his eyes always give him away. When he doesn’t break your gaze, when he just waits while you process, you can see it in the way he’s looking at you — that even if he seems calm on the outside, he’s nervous. Nervous that you’re going to reject him, nervous that he may have overstepped, nervous that you don’t like him back. As if that would even be possible.
“I think,” you say slowly, “that the movie can wait a little longer if you wanted to kiss me some more… bro.”
summary; jungkook and jisoo are the mightiest power couple. however, one drunken confession and that whole facade fades in an instant. you realize that maybe you need to break from your unvaried life for a bit and be the hero of your own love story
pairing; jungkook x editor!reader (f)
genre/warnings; best friend’s boyfriend au, slice of life, angst with a happy ending because im weak, pining pINING, everyone’s kind of a mess in their own sweet special way, alcohol use, mentions of ze weed, toxic relationships, mean friends, sex—slight dom!kook, food play, fingering, squirting, heavy use of the petname “pretty girl” bc im weak, strength kink, manhandling (oop!)
w.c; 22.2k
a/n; woof! my first fic for @goldenclosetnetwork 23 | jungkook’s birthday project! this goes out to all the closet romantics *ahem me cough* who doesn’t love pining between a cutie koo? a huge thank u for vivi @eerieedits for making this bbbBEAUTIFUL fic banner!
prompt used: “I should’ve known.”
if you like this fic pls consider giving a like n’share🥺💜🥺💜
pairing: vernon x reader
word count: 1.1k
warnings: none? the slightest bit suggestive at the end but like... it's nothing
author's note: part two to this fic! i would recommend reading both for it to make sense :)
You haven’t seen Vernon in four days.
You haven’t seen him since he kissed you — and he’d kissed you a lot.
You’d barely managed to finish the movie without making out on his couch like teenagers. And when it was over, he hadn’t asked you to stay — but he’d kissed you again by his front door.
You’d texted when you’d gotten home safe, as he’d requested. Then you’d woken up the next day to a ‘good morning :)’ text, which was swiftly followed by ‘today is so busy I might die’. And then the two of you had just… moved on.
He sends a Shrek meme and then disappears for hours; you laugh react or send a meme in return. He sends you a picture of a “gnarly” squirrel he sees on campus; you send him a picture of a shitty doodle you drew during one of your lectures. Neither of you brings up what happened. You know he’s got a project due at the end of the week, so you don’t push when his texts are few and far between. Even though you so desperately want to.
Is he thinking about it as much as you are? You can’t get the feeling of his lips out of your mind, and it’s driving you crazy. You want to kiss him again, want to run your fingers through his hair again, want to feel his hands on your waist again.
But you remain in limbo. You don’t ask for an explanation — he doesn’t offer one. And you don’t know how much longer you can ignore it.
Vernonie [8:34pm]: INCOMING VIDEOCALL
Your eyes widen when your screen lights up. You quickly straighten from where you’d been lounging on your couch, tucking your hair behind your ears and hoping for the best. He knows what you look like, you remind yourself, but that doesn’t help the nerves when you finally accept the call.
“Hey, stranger.”
He looks cute, and it makes you sick.
“Hey,” you reply, and you can feel your cheeks heat up for no apparent reason. All he’s done is say hello, but you haven’t seen his face in four days, and the last time you saw him you were —
“What’s up?”
“Nothing,” you say, and then you can’t help but blurt out, “You’ve been busy.” It comes out accusatory, and you regret it immediately.
Vernon looks surprised, and you watch as his eyebrows raise. “Yeah, I had that big project to finish, remember?”
You nod, avoiding eye contact through the screen. “Right.”
He’s quiet again before he says teasingly, “If you missed me you can just say so.”
You know it’s an attempt to lighten the mood, but it hits so deep all of a sudden that you think you might cry. Did he not miss you, too?
You know it’s a cheap move, but you absolutely cannot look at him when he tells you that the kissing had meant nothing, that it was all a mistake. That you’re better off as friends.
“Hey,” he says when you shift your phone so that your face is just out of sight. You can practically hear his pout. “Come back.”
“I’m just gonna go,” you say weakly, and you can see in your peripheral vision the way Vernon sits up straight.
“Hey, no. Wait. Please come back? Let me say something.”
You bite your lip as the tears well up. It takes you a minute, but you manage to take a breath and set your phone back upright to look at him.
“Y/N,” he says gently, and you can see his soft smile through the screen. “Bro.”
You can’t help but smile a bit at that, and he takes that as a sign to continue.
“Did you think I was avoiding you?”
You shrug.
“You think I kissed you and then avoided you on purpose?”
Your heart stutters over itself a bit as he says the words out loud. When he puts it like that, you suppose it sounds a bit silly. Because it’s Vernon, and he would never be so cruel. You shrug again, but you still can’t find it in you to speak.
“Kissing you is probably all I've thought about for the better part of the last few months,” he continues, and your eyes widen. “I wasn't deliberately avoiding you, I just... I was busy, that part’s true, but it seemed like a good time to give you some space anyway because I know you get into your head sometimes, so I thought that would give you some time to process…” He trails off, a hand running through his hair before he adds, quieter, “You know. In case you…”
“In case I what?” It’s the first time you’ve spoken in a few minutes, and you can practically see the way Vernon’s shoulders relax at the sound of your voice again.
He pauses, and then he says softly, “In case you regret it.”
Your eyes widen. “You think I regret it?”
“Do you?”
You shake your head, a bit dizzy as you return, “Do you?”
Vernon’s lip curls up at the side. “No, Y/N. I don’t.”
You’re processing, and he’s quiet as he lets you. He doesn’t regret it. He wanted to kiss you. He…
It’s silent for another moment and then you say, voice small, “But you didn’t ask me to stay.”
“Baby,” he says, and your eyes widen. “That’s definitely not because I didn’t want you to. Like I said, I was giving you space.”
“Baby?”
Vernon freezes. “Shit, sorry. Fuck—“
“It’s okay,” you interrupt, and he relaxes a little.
“Yeah?” He breathes, and you nod. A smile spreads across your lips, warmth spreading through you as it really, truly dawns on you — Vernon likes you back.
“Yeah,” you affirm. “I think I much prefer that to bro.”
“Yeah?” He says again, and you smile. You’re just realizing now that he seems nervous too, and it makes you feel all sorts of warm and fuzzy inside.
“Mhm.”
You stare at one another through the screen. Vernon’s grin spreads the longer you do, and even though you know your cheeks are flushed, you don’t stop the staring contest. He narrows his eyes, and you let out a giggle.
“So…”
“So,” he repeats, and you watch as he adjusts to lie down on his couch. “I finished my project.”
That was not where you thought this conversation was headed. “Oh yeah? Good job, bro.”
Vernon raises his eyebrows at the name, and you flush again.
“It’s habit,” you whine, and he puts on an exaggerated frown.
“That’s fine,” he sighs dramatically, “I was going to say that I can hang out with you now that my project is done, but I can see I’m the only romantic one here, bro.”
You gasp. “I can be romantic!”
Vernon grins, and you immediately know you’ve taken his bait as he teases, “Really?”
“I can!” You insist, and he just smiles even wider.
“Want me to come over so you can show me just how romantic you can be, baby?”
pairing: vernon x reader
word count: 1.2k
warnings: kissing, Shrek slander
request prompt: "You're cute." "What did you say?" + "are you flirting with me?" "I’ve been trying to do that for three years."
Read Part Two here!
A/N: Thanks so much for all the support on my 700 follower celebration. You guys rock! I'm doing my best to get through the requests, but there were way more than I anticipated so bear with me!
Vernonie [8:59pm]: we still on for tomorrow night?
Your heart leaps, like it always does, when Vernon’s name pops up on your screen.
Y/N [9:01pm]: yeah! see you then, bro
You sigh heavily, throwing your phone down onto the bed beside you and rolling over, pulling your pillow into your chest.
Bro.
It’s a defense mechanism, you know, but it’s getting a bit ridiculous now. You’ve taken to throwing out the word nervously when he gets too close – which seems to be more often than not lately. You’d been worried that your crush on Vernon was getting disgustingly apparent, and so you'd started with this whole "bro" nonsense. Now, you don’t know how to get out of it.
Every time he catches you looking at him and raises a dramatic brow; every time you’re making plans to hang out just the two of you; every time his hand accidentally brushes yours while he hands over a headphone for you to listen to a song – you find a way to call him 'bro'. So that he knows it’s all strictly platonic. Which it’s not, of course – not for you – but his friendship means more to you than anything in this world, and you’re not going to jeopardize that just because you think he’s hot. And kind. And funny.
Sure thing, bro. See you tomorrow, bro. I love movie nights with you, bro. I love when you show me new music or video games and your face lights up, bro. I love your eyes and the way you laugh at your own jokes, bro. While we're at it, your smile is pretty nice too, bro.
You close your eyes with a sigh.
"Thumb war."
"What?"
You’re sitting on the floor in Vernon’s apartment the next day, arguing over which movie to watch. It’s been at least a half hour of back and forth, so you'd decided to take matters into your own hands, and had proposed the most obvious solution.
"Thumb war," you repeat. "Winner gets to pick the movie."
Vernon eyes you warily. "Fine. You're on."
As soon as his fingers curl into yours, you can feel your stomach flutter. His touch sends goosebumps across your skin, and you regret the suggestion instantly, but you must carry on. For honour – and for the fact that if he makes you watch Shrek 2 again you might scream.
You square your shoulders and laugh at Vernon’s face, which has instantly turned competitive. You count down, and as your thumbs begin to battle, you feel the competitiveness in yourself grow, too.
“Yes!” You cry. You have him pinned.
You’re counting down when Vernon suddenly surges forward, your hands falling apart as you let out an ‘oof’ and fall to the ground. You let out a squeak as your back hits the floor with a soft thud, Vernon landing on top of you. His arms are on either side of your head as he pushes himself up a little, chest hovering above yours, and you can audibly hear the way your breath catches in your throat.
"Just shut up and let me pick a movie," he says breathlessly, and you’re sure you've forgotten how to breathe. His hips are between your knees, his chest pressed to yours, and you can feel every part of him against you.
"Make me shut up," come your words, and you regret it immediately. His eyebrows raise, just as surprised as you are, and you swear he falters a little.
"I will," he says back after a pause, and you can’t tear your gaze away from his. "I'll kiss you."
The blood is rushing to your cheeks before you have time to think. Around now would be the time that you look away, but he’s so close that you can’t. Your heart is nearly pounding out of your chest, and you’re certain he can hear it. Or feel it.
Your head is spinning as you force out a laugh before saying, "Okay, bro."
Vernon’s eyes search your face before meeting your gaze again. His expression is serious, and you hold your breath as you wait for him to react.
But all he does is stand up, holding his hands up in surrender. "You can choose.”
For the rest of the night, things feel a bit awkward between you. You don’t comment on it like you normally would, because Vernon hasn’t said anything, which means he’s probably forgotten and it’s just you that’s making it weird now. You make it through your pick, and then he surprises you by picking one of your other favourites to watch as a second movie. It’s sweet, but you’re confused since he'd caused such a fuss earlier.
As the movie progresses, you begin to relax a little. You can feel Vernon’s eyes on you as you giggle to yourself, and you shoot him a glare.
“What?”
“Nothing.” He shakes his head. You turn back to the TV, focusing again when you hear him add, quieter, “You’re cute.”
Your head whips back in his direction. He avoids your gaze this time, the only telltale sign he notices you looking shown in the way he fidgets with the remote.
“What did you say?”
“I said you’re annoying.”
You think ignoring everything that’s just transpired in the last minute is probably for the best.
“I’m about to be really annoying, then,” you quip – and then you begin to quote line after line.
It’s one of his biggest pet peeves, and he knows you’re doing it on purpose. You continue, waiting for him to break. It doesn’t take very long.
"Oh my god. Shut up." You can hear the smile in his voice, and you know you aren’t annoying him that much.
"Make me," you shoot back without thinking, your heart stopping as you quickly remember where those two words had gotten you just a couple of hours before. You think Vernon is holding his breath, too, and you resist the urge to shrink even further back into his couch. Don’t make it weird, it’s fine, you’re just joking, don’t make it –
Vernon’s hand is on your face before you can finish your thought, tilting your chin up towards him – and then he’s kissing you.
When he pulls back, it takes a second for your eyes to flutter open again. And when they do, he’s already looking back at you, unwavering. His thumb brushes against your chin before he smirks and says, eyebrows raised, "I told you I would, bro.”
Your mouth is agape as he drops his hand and turns back to the movie. You feel a bit like your entire brain is resetting as you process what just happened.
“Are you flirting with me?”
“I’ve been trying to do that for like, three years now, so… yeah.”
“You kissed me.”
Vernon looks at you again now, and you absolutely cannot understand how he’s so calm about all of this. Smiling about it, even. “I did. Thoughts?”
Your friend is stoic at the best of times, but his eyes always give him away. When he doesn’t break your gaze, when he just waits while you process, you can see it in the way he’s looking at you — that even if he seems calm on the outside, he’s nervous. Nervous that you’re going to reject him, nervous that he may have overstepped, nervous that you don’t like him back. As if that would even be possible.
“I think,” you say slowly, “that the movie can wait a little longer if you wanted to kiss me some more… bro.”
Would you hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm?
pairing: seungcheol x oc
tags: heavy angst, college romance, slowburn, a little bit of comfort.
author's note: this story is set in the philippines and is inspired by the author's life in university as an accounting student. characters' lines will be in filipino while narration will be in english. thank you for taking the time to read this work.
you both know it ended a long time ago. you were just scared to admit it.
pairing: seungcheol x oc
tags: angst, exes, talks of wedding, in denial, hurt
author's note: this piece is commissioned from twitter
...
“I’ll go now.”
You look at Seungcheol for the last time, trying to memorize the face of the man you used to call yours for the past four years. He’s heading east, trying his luck at the concrete jungle.
He kisses your forehead. You let his lips linger on it for some more, knowing that he will never be back in your life once he turns to the door. He stares into your eyes with a kind smile on his lips.
“Take care, will you? I won’t be around anymore to remind you to eat on time,” he says softly.
You only nod, knowing that even a single squeak from you would send you to tears.
This was never intended to end this way.
You have always imagined a grand wedding with Seungcheol in your seventh year together.
Seven
That was your magic number. Seven years was your limit for long-term relationships. Whenever you hear the number seven, you hear the clanging of the wedding bells as you envision the long trail attached to your ivory-white wedding gown. At the end of the altar, you see Seungcheol in a black tuxedo, and his hair is long enough to cover the back of his neck. His eyes are wet with tears, joy evident on his face as he sees the woman he’s been with for seven years.
Then you snap out of it.
“Goodbye, Alexa,” Seungcheol mutters with reverence.
“Bye,” you reply, avoiding his gaze this time.
Where did it go wrong with us, Seungcheol?
His back is finally facing you as he walks out the door.
thud
Out he goes from your life as his figure disappears after he closes the door. You grab the back of the sofa for support as you cover your mouth to muffle the sobs wracking your body.
It’s for the good, but why does it still hurt?
It started when his kisses didn’t make your heart flutter anymore. Your mother told you it’s normal for couples to lose the feelings they used to have for each other as time passes. She said those feelings are usually replaced with more profound respect and love that isn’t measured by how one can show it superficially.
Yet, deep down, the thought of you and Seungcheol falling out of love lingers like the dark shadows in the night, disguising itself as newfound comfortability and calmness.
The nights when you would turn your backs away from each other increased, hugging pillows to seek comfort. You thought, “We are both just tired from work.” You were telling yourself that, ignoring the arising feeling that would get caught in your throat, making you cough painfully as it would make you feel suffocated.
You would fall asleep at night as you felt tiredness consume your body. You would wake up in dreamland, tossing and turning to see a different man beside you. You did not recognize him anymore. That wasn’t your Seungcheol. Consumed by your dream, you would sit up during the wee hours of the morning, looking at your snoozing lover—relieved would be an understatement to see his face upon waking up from that recurring dream.
Are you still my Seungcheol?”
You were afraid to answer your question. Maybe it’s because you have gotten used to his existence, or you were starting to realize the answer deep down. You knew you were not yet ready, still holding on to the hope that maybe your mother was right.
“Hey,” he smiled as he felt your lips on his neck the morning after a night of interrupted sleep caused by that recurring dream.
“Can I lay my head on your chest?” You asked.
He nodded and welcomed your body with his arms as you laid your head on his toned chest. You stayed in his arms, hoping it would prove you wrong.
“Nothing is changing,” you assured yourself, subconsciously tightening your hold on your lover.
It was as if holding on to him would help you convince yourself.
“Alexa,” Seungcheol called out.
“I love you. I hope you know that,” you said, looking up to see his face.
He only nodded.
You gave him a small smile and stayed there for a while.
“Will marriage solve this worry of mine?” You asked Lara, your closest friend.
She shook her head as you both lay on your living room carpet one afternoon. You poured your heart out to her, hoping that your best friend would be able to assure you.
Seven years was just your limit. If you and Seungcheol were really sure of each other, he could’ve married you in a heartbeat.
“Your mom could be right, you know?” She trailed.
“But?” You asked.
“Seungcheol has the answer. You will have to ask him, Alexa,” she finished.
You were afraid to do so. You didn’t know what was happening in your lovely boyfriend’s mind.
“Do you still love me?”
If you asked that question a year ago, you know Seungcheol would answer yes naturally, as if his tongue was created to give that answer smoothly with the roll of it. Yet, when Lara brought it up almost two months ago, you didn’t know anymore. You were unsure and scared to hear Seungcheol’s answer.
Why did it become so difficult to be sure of something you used to have confidence in?
You used to be sure.
Alexa and Seungcheol forever, right?
Whatever happened to that love?
The answers to your many questions came unexpectedly in the form of a velvet box collecting dust on top of your cabinet.
Your weary mind couldn’t process anything you were trying to feed it to assure yourself. You decided to clean the master bedroom of your shared apartment with Seungcheol. You decided to do general cleaning that day. It was something your mind wanted to keep off from the things you were worrying about.
You opened the box, and there was a diamond ring, a princess cut, to be specific. It was the heirloom ring passed down by the Chois to the next family bride for each generation.
“Alexa?” Seungcheol called out.
You were frozen in place like a deer in headlights. You felt like running.
“You were not supposed to see that,” he sighed, dismay evident.
“Since when did you have this?” You asked.
“Since Pops’ birthday,” he replied.
He was holding on to the ring for almost a year.
“You were holding back,” you answered.
He sat on the edge of the bed, trying to find the right words to say. Silence flooded the room, and you were trying to hold your breath as if under that water and trying not to drown. You handed him the box and just sat beside him. The sinking of the bed as you sat on it felt dizzying. You just had a confirmation of your fears.
“Did I do you wrong?” You asked.
He shook his head.
“You have always been wonderful, Alexa,” he answered.
“Why were you holding on to that goddamn ring?” You croaked, fighting the sobs that were arising from your chest to your throat.
“Life suddenly started for me, Alexa,” he told you.
“I thought my life would end with me marrying you and having a big family with you like what Pops did, but the band happened. I didn’t know that a reunion with the old band I had back in high school would give me an opportunity of a lifetime,” he continued.
You looked at him, betrayed.
The band. Seungcheol was a vocalist and guitarist for an alternative band in high school. He used to boast that to you, telling stories of how he was playing with them at bars, events, etc.
“End?” You shot.
“You think your life will end when you finally marry me?” You asked.
“It’s not what I’m saying, baby,” he sighed.
“Your own words are betraying you, Cheol. Don’t call me baby, too. This conversation will not end until you finally tell me what’s on your mind,” you told him.
He went silent once again. For a while, you were just sitting quietly. You wiped your eyes and your tear-stained cheek as you wept quietly. You could not believe the words that came out of his mouth.
“When our performance from the homecoming went viral, and Jihoon reached out to us, I suddenly felt alive. It was just like the old times again. I felt free from all of my constant worries,” he explained.
“You felt free from me as well,” you concluded.
He shook his head.
“When Pops handed me the ring, I realized what was coming for me. I have to marry you. I have to make sure you will have a promising future with me. I suddenly realized I was still behind on things I needed to take on for us to have a comfortable life,” he told you.
You were lost for words, so you let him speak his mind, hoping to hear that he still loved you.
“Those worries would keep me up at night, Alexa. Then the band happened. I got excited when I saw the comments online, especially from those who used to watch us back then. I realized that I do not have one ending. I am still the one who gets to decide on my future. Life suddenly became exciting for me,” he said.
You were a witness to that sudden change in his aura. When the reunion happened, and the invitations to play at events started, you saw how joyous he was. It just didn’t occur to you that he was burdened with the future with you that everyone pictured for the both of you.
“The future with me felt like a chore,” you pointed out.
He cried softly, muttering apologies.
“Do you still love me?” You asked.
“I do,” he cooed softly, holding your hand to kiss it as the tears flowed down his cheeks.
“I just don’t know where we stand anymore,” he admitted.
You sobbed and pulled away your hand.
“You can’t do this to me, Cheol,” you said.
He apologized again, crying. Your questions finally had their answers, and none of them were the things you wanted to hear but the confirmations to your fears instead.
“The band’s flying out to New York in a month,” he told you.
“Alright, let’s break up on the day you leave,” you replied.
“Alexa,” he trailed.
“I do not want to hold you back, Cheol. I can’t put my life on hold for you as well. I want to get married to someone who is sure of me or doesn’t think that the future with me is a responsibility,” you told him.
“We are partners, Seungcheol. Our future together is a collaboration for me. I see us building that future together, hand in hand. We are equal. Your problem is mine as well. Why do you think of it like I would only sit on the corner and watch you do anything?” You ranted, tears falling continuously.
“I was raised to be like that, Alexa,” he answered.
You only shake your head.
“When do you leave for New York?” You asked again.
“On the 30th of June,” he replied.
You nodded.
“When you leave on that day, we’ll be done. Don’t hold yourself back for me. You deserve to be happy,” you tell him.
After that day, it was as if life was playing a cruel joke on you. In everyone’s eyes, you were still Alexa and Seungcheol, the ever-perfect couple with a happy ending on the end of the horizon. Things started reminding you of what you would have if things had never changed.
You almost cried when you saw Seungcheol holding your niece in his arms during a family dinner. It was as if you were reminded of what could have been. You always saw Seungcheol as a doting father to a daughter who got his eyes and lips and always cried for him. You always imagined him chuckling to his wailing princess, shushing her little sobs with the assurance that he’s with her always, in all ways.
“I dreamt of the future with enthusiasm,” you told him as you lay on the bed you shared.
“I did, too,” he admitted.
“What was the future you always pictured?” You asked.
“Our first child would be a boy. He adores you the way I do and would cry for you. In my head, he’s my best friend. I imagined him running to me after a long day at work. His grubby, little hands would reach for my face to kiss my cheek. His hands are dirty because he enjoyed the snack you gave him, so he could wait a little bit longer for the dinner so we could all eat together,” he narrated with a slight smile.
“It was so vivid,” you told him.
“I know. I was so sure of you, Alexa,” he said.
“Was,” you repeated.
“Sorry,” he quietly said.
Was
The word repeated on your head over and over again like a dagger being pressed deeper into your chest. You breathed deeply and cried yourself to sleep, wishing that the pain would finally go away. Yet, it won’t. Instead, you realized Seungcheol’s version of your future differed from yours. It was evident with how you pictured your kids. Seungcheol envisioned you as a stay-at-home mother. Though you love the idea of being focused on your kids, you know in your heart that you want to identify as something else aside from being a mother. You want to continue with career aspirations and have money for yourself. Your mother taught you that when she was still separated from your father.
Sleep didn’t come to you quickly as you counted off the days before Seungcheol left for New York. You were racking your brain, trying to understand when you felt the relationship was about to end.
Maybe you were also changing your mind about the future with Seungcheol, and the seven-year limit was your safety net.
“Did I rely on that limit to distract me from the fact that that future might never even happen?”
You knew it wasn’t just him who was ready to jump from this sinking ship. You were just in denial because you were already accustomed to thinking it would be him in the end always.
Were you just like Seungcheol, who saw it but did not look at it as one should when deeply in love?
Did your relationship end a few months ago, and you were both cowards to admit it?
You hug your knees to the floor, crying after Seungcheol finally walks out the door. There is no turning back now. You were the one who decided on this. When he leaves for New York, he leaves everything about you and him as well.
While you understand that this breakup was happening before you both realized it, the pain remains. It still feels like the half of you is torn and tossed into the ocean of flames. You still want to scream your head off.
Because you know that nothing is more painful than living with the fact that you have wasted years of your life with someone who doesn’t see the end of it with you, nothing is more hurtful than living out the remaining days of a shared relationship that should have ended with wedding bells and a kiss after the priest said so. Yet, this is your reality now.
Seungcheol will be in New York riding subways and taxi cabs going places when you have always imagined him driving the family car with you in the front seat as your kids sat in the back sleepily as the drives always lull them to dreamland.
You will always feel cold in San Francisco but never freezing like he would when the cruel winter visits New York. You think of how whiny he gets when cold, especially when the heat packs on his coat and his hands don’t warm him enough.
You will start your life again with half of you still in the thoughts of him out there without you. You love him, that’s for sure, but with everything that has happened for the past few months, you know that it’s for the best that you won’t be marrying him.
You just know that your mother was wrong.
You did not love him any deeper. Being deeply in love doesn’t equate with having lesser affection for someone you’ve been with for a long time. It’s not maturity or having profound reverence towards your partner.
You fell out of love with Seungcheol, and he was the same as you.
You were in denial, and he was scared to tell you the truth as he was used to the idea of you beside him.
You lie down on the carpet of the living room like you always do, letting the new reality of being alone in this apartment you used to share with someone you called the love of your life for four years. Everything is still here except his things. It’s complete and decorated, but it’s half empty in your head.
You repeatedly remind yourself that it’s the only right thing to do, that it’s best to be free of him before you waste more of your years for nothing. Yet, you’re only a mere mortal dealing with a pain so unbearable that you wallow and weep.
You just ended a relationship you were once sure of, and even though you have given yourself a month to face the ending of your greatest love story, it did not brace you from the impact of the pain it’s giving you now.
You close your eyes and pray to the god you used to believe in, wishing he’s there and merciful enough to take away the pain that you’re feeling—wishing for him to fast forward to the days when you won’t feel this pain anymore. You never want to remember this feeling again.
You wish never to experience the pain of being fully aware that you’re losing someone who has gotten half of you.
You felt betrayed in some way you had never felt before. You thought that you could trust Joshua, you thought you were safe with him. After all that you have been through together, this cannot be the way he loses you.
✮pairings: joshua hong x female reader x yoon jeonghan
✮ genre: angst, fluff, smut [18+]
✮aus: rockstar joshua, theatre director jeonghan, boyfriend joshua, best friend jeonghan, pre-polyamory, friends to fucking
✮word count: 23.8k
› 🎧: xo – i.m | i want you around – yugyeom ft. de vita | skins – dpr ian | warm – junggigo | honey! – tabber ft. dean | black swan – bts | being – tabber ft. yerin
→ season one – navi post – playlist ♡
› smut warnings below the cut
✮ warnings: a whole lotta angst, smut with plot, dom joshua, soft dom jeonghan, sub reader, everyone is toxic, possessiveness, jealousy, sleepy vanilla love making, body worshipping, oral sex (f and m receiving), masturbation (m), unprotected sex, squirting, tag teaming, spit roasting, eiffel tower, multiple creampies, cumplay, cum mixing, a bit of sadism and brat taming: spanking, overstimming. pet names: baby, princess, bunny, beautiful, (hers) baby, handsome (joshua's)
✮ author's note: this is so fucking self-indulgent i am so obsessed with jihan it must be a sickness by now ok ok ok... indulge with me beautiful readers --- (●'◡'●)
✮ disclaimer: minors dni this post is intended for 18+ readers. please have your age stated in your description and try not to look like a bot please 🙂.
part ii
Three weeks before.
Yoon Jeonghan had never felt this in his life.
He used to think that he guarded himself pretty well. Keeping everyone at an arm's length from entering his heart, never quite falling for someone, thus he never suffered heartbreak.
Until he met you.
When Joshua initially suggested getting to know you, he thought nothing of it. Jeonghan thought of himself a good friend and even though he was particularly shy in some aspects, he was eager to meet the person who finally worked their way to Joshua's heart.
And you simply clicked in what he imagined you would be. Cute, kind, smart, fun. All of the traits he imagined Joshua would look for in a person, if he ever dared to even think about it.
But in getting to know his best friend's girlfriend, something else happened. At the beginning, he thought it was life's sickest joke yet. Falling in love with you was a stupid idea. One that was so attractive he might as well just be a moth flying straight into the flame.
Because you were everything he wanted. The quiet afternoons he spent sprawled on your couch with you, watching shows, laughing together, confiding in each other. He slowly realized by looking at you that he felt some kind of warmth whenever he was with you. He realized that he liked it. He wanted to stay there. Just being with you.
Jeonghan was an excellent judge of character, you told him once. And he pretty much agreed with you that time.
Right at that moment, he could tell you were nervous, and on the brink of crying. You were doing that thing you always did before you succumbed to your tears. Chewing on the inside of your cheek in an attempt to distract yourself, fingers twisting on the fabric of your pretty floral skirt.
"I'm sorry," he muttered.
You were both standing in the middle of the beautiful park, a beauty in the heart of the busy city you lived in. The sun was setting, but the heat was still trying to get to you, but the light breeze threading on your hair helped.
You called Jeonghan some days after you came back from your quick vacation. He had agreed to talk but on your terms, which were simple: it had to be in an open space, in broad daylight.
It sounded silly, but you were trying to avoid intimacy as much as possible. And maybe, he thought, being in a public space helped calm your nerves.
"Can't we just... be like before?" you whispered, your eyes were set on the big fountain behind him, a thing he assumed you were doing to appear as if you were looking at him.
But he knew you well.
"I don't think so princess," he mumbled, his lips pursing in the way he did when he spoke sweetly.
"Why not?" you asked in a mere whisper and your gaze dropped to your feet, succumbing now to the anguish watering in the corners of your eyes.
"Baby, you know why," he replied and he made the dumb move to take a step closer to you.
"Jeonghan," you retreated one step at once, shooting a warning look at him.
The feeling coursing from his chest to his limbs was unlike everything he has ever felt in his life. It hurt, it was sticky, it sunk so deep within him that his intuitive thought was to want to get rid of it.
"That's why," he emphasized. "I think I'll need time, if you want us to be friends again."
"Jeonghan, I thought–, I mean, that night," you stammered uncontrollably as you sniffled and rubbed the back of your hand against the corners of your eyes quite harshly.
"Don't," he cut you off when he understood you were trying to talk about the night he ruined it all, the weight on the thorn in his heart sunk deeper.
"But I..." you breathed, and it seemed for a moment to him that you might have felt the same nasty feeling too by the way you sobbed slowly.
Jeonghan froze, the look on your face, your broken voice and the reluctance to say what you wanted to say pinned him in that moment and place. He fooled himself for a second and thought that you finally would confess your feelings for him.
But your teary eyes dropped again from his face and to the ground, sobbing loudly before you just shook your head. You could not bring yourself to say it.
"I'll look for you," he promised, not giving a care in the world if he was crossing yet another line. He stopped caring about that long ago. "When I'm ready, I'll call you. Okay, baby?"
He raised a hand to pinch your chin ever so softly, calling your eyes to him. There he saw the confusion and sadness when you raised your head and looked at him. It broke his heart to know that you were hurt.
Yoon Jeonghan loved you so much that he would risk everything just to hold you. If he could just wrap you in his arms and love you freely, he would.
But you were just too far from reciprocating that feeling. And that for him was the reason why he decided not to go for it.
"Okay," you breathed.
Jeonghan took his leave, pressing the pads of his fingers on your chin softly once again, smiling sweetly at you and trying to convey with a look just how much he loved you.
Somehow the glint in your eye seemed to rekindle at that. You pressed your lips into a tiny but reassuring smile.
"Okay," he whispered too.
Then you both walked in opposite directions of each other, and that was the last time you saw Yoon Jeonghan, the last time you spoke to each other.
Until now.
Jeonghan never thought he would see you. Not today, and probably if he were honest to himself, not in a while. He had given up the idea of seeing you again, at least until he was ready for it.
But here you were.
His hand kept rubbing your back in small shapeless motions as you cried softly on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I should go," you said, pulling back while gathering your tears with your fingers.
"Why?" he frowned. "No, no. Please don't go," he blurted swiftly.
"But you're working and I just barged in here without telling you first. It's okay, we could talk another time, we could–," you muttered, quickly hiding your face as you caught the sight of someone from out back of the stage.
Jeonghan followed your gaze, and the guy that was trying to snoop hid behind a large prop.
"Wait here," he squeezed your arm gently and headed to a wall by the side of the stage. He called out to someone, told them what you could hear was a commanding sentence and then turned to you.
Jeonghan wore a white t-shirt and a green cardigan, blue jeans and boots. His long hair was secured in a half ponytail with a pink scrunchie that you had forgotten in his car a long time ago.
"Let's go," he said, nodding his head to the door atop the stairs.
"Bu-but aren't you working?" you asked dumbly, watching him pass you by and walk up the steps.
"I told them I won't be able to continue for the rest of the rehearsal," he shrugged and motioned you over with his hand. "Coming?"
You quickly ran to catch up with him. "I didn't want you to miss out on work, Jeonghan," you said, feeling stupid over your rash decisions.
"I'm my own boss, I can do this once in a while," he explained with an ease about himself.
"I should've called but..." you trailed off, making him look your way when you sighed. "I left my things back at my place. Phone and everything."
"How did you get here then?" he asked with genuine worry, brow furrowing and slowing his step so he could look at your face fully.
"I walked," you muttered shamefully.
It had been more like running. You came out of your building and immediately fell into a run. The theater was not as far as you initially had thought, even if it was the first time you visited by foot.
"Wait," he said again, grabbing your arm before you could push the doors to exit the theater. "What happened?"
"W-we had a fight. Josh and I," you mumbled awkwardly.
His sweet brown eyes looked at you up and down, and in the process you could see his mind reeling. The hand that wasn't parked in your arm palmed the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his phone. He glanced from the screen to your face and huffed.
"You two will drive me insane," he muttered quickly before pressing a thumb on the screen and then picked up the call. "What?"
His gaze fell out of focus, his frown deepening to the point that the lines between his brows dented, he checked his smartwatch as he said: "I was working. Yes, she's here, she's alright," Jeonghan looked at your face again and pressed his lips into a line. "Slow down. What?! Of course I'll take her home, Joshua. Bye."
Your stomach twisted painfully. The pain made you nearly recoil from Jeonghan and fall into a bottomless panic attack.
"What did he..." you started and then trailed off again. "Is he..."
"He is losing it, naturally," he muttered with an air of seriousness. "Come on, I'll take you home. We can talk on the way there."
You sighed in resignation. You thought about how Joshua would be taking your sudden departure when you were on the way here. But you also thought of what he said to you moments before, you thought of the events that led to this mess.
You were mad at your boyfriend. You were mad at yourself.
"Hold on. I'll be quick," you muttered, grabbing his wrist as he tried to continue to the door.
Jeonghan turned to you, and you saw something resembling fear in his eyes. Anxiety, fear, reluctance, maybe. You were unsure.
"I'm sorry, Jeonghan," you whispered nervously. "I'm sorry that I brought you into all of this, I never wanted to hurt you."
You had thought over and over the things that you wanted to say to him. You hated that you had nothing else to offer Jeonghan, not even an excuse, because there was no excuse for never realizing what you felt for him before everything went down.
"Hurt me?" he asked and cocked his head to one side. "You've never hurt me. What are you talking about?"
"Y-you–isn't that why you stopped talking to me? The reason why you asked for time? Joshua s-said that you have feelings for me..."
"He said that?" his tone was still serious, and now you could see that his patience was running out.
"Do you?" you asked with a tiny voice, eyes brimming in tears of remorse.
"Yes, I do," he said dryly, but the off tone he was giving you denoted some contempt over something you could not quite place. "I stopped reaching out to you because you're his girlfriend."
"B-but we," you looked around to make sure no one was around. "That night we..."
Jeonghan lifted his head at the sound of footsteps approaching down the hall leading to where you both were standing. He turned his gaze, swiftly looking for something and then took you by the wrist, pulling you to the other end of the room and opposite to the exit of the theater.
Before you could ask what he was attempting to do, you figured out that Jeonghan needed some place to talk to you privately, without being seen or interrupted. And you quietly thanked him when the place he had dragged you in was an empty office room, a lonely desk and chair sat on the corner of the small room.
Jeonghan closed the door not bothering to turn any lights on but you also thanked the darkness of the room, the newfound freedom of being able to be unseen and open at the same time.
He waited until the people walking by exited the theater and you could see in his eyes in the dark, you could see when he started biting his lower lip that his mind was reeling.
"I realized that there was no way I could keep being around you and be fine with what I feel for you. Not after that night," he muttered with a low tone. "I didn't want to make things more confusing for you because I know how much you love Joshua. So I walked away."
At that, your heart twisted again painfully, robbing you of air. "You should've just told me, Jeonghan," you whispered. "I never wanted this to happen. For weeks I felt like I've been doing everything wrong."
"What do you mean by that?" he asked, and then you could tell just how lost he was on all of this. Jeonghan had been away from all the mess you have been in for the last three weeks, so it made sense he was unaware of everything going on in your life from that night.
"There is a reason why Joshua agreed to the threesome," you shuddered with a mixture of embarrassment and anger. The realization flashed through his face, parting his mouth. "He knew about your feelings for me all along, but he also agreed because he wanted me to confront mine."
You immediately caught the way he opened his mouth, as if he were about to say something, maybe ask. But he blinked and the words never came out.
"I think..." you breathed in, mustering up strength. You thought of how badly you felt through weeks of thinking, of doubting and feeling like you were wrong. "Jeonghan, I also... feel something for you."
His eyes widened in an instant, and you could see he savored that brief moment, by looking at your eyes, very slowly trailing to your lips and then back to your eyes. It wasn't a suggestive reaction, it was just Jeonghan relishing the moment.
Even if you were being extremely vague with your words, he seemed to be knowing of what you meant and did not need for you to be more honest or to clarify. Which you also thanked him for. The least you wanted was to say things that would make you feel dirtier, or even guiltier if that could be possible.
"But I'm sorry that I misled you," you whispered, eyes brimming with tears. It was hard to breathe, to swallow.
"You never did," he said slowly. "I've always known."
"Know what?" you asked, your voice cracked and you sounded tiny.
His gaze softened at the sound of your voice. "You are like an open book, princess," he smiled with so much endearment that a warm wave of nostalgia coursed through you. "I've always known that you wanted me. But you're in love with Joshua. Not me. I'm okay with that."
His words crushed you, making you sob, dropping your gaze to the floor in complete shame and regret. "I'm so sorry, Jeonghan."
"I know," he replied with an ease coating his tone. "And I am sorry too. When Joshua told me what you wanted to do that night, I knew that Joshua had found out about me, but you didn't. It was cruel, what we both did."
"Why didn't you just tell me?" you reproached him between sniffling and wiping your tears with the hem of your sleeve.
"Princess, you're his girlfriend. My best friend's girlfriend," he stated the obvious. "Besides, that night you weren't completely sure about me. I knew that there was no way I could tell you about what I feel for you. I would lose you either way."
You nodded wordlessly. You already knew his answer before he even uttered it. There was so much that you had thought to tell him but in reality, you just felt trapped.
"I miss you, Jeonghan," you confessed, your voice dropping to a mere whisper, so quiet that you almost believed he would not be able to hear you.
"I miss you too," he replied, his lower lip protruding slightly in a small pout. "You have no idea. I miss us."
Then he sighed deeply in resignation, his fingers sliding around your wrist making you freeze in place upon contact. Jeonghan dropped his head forward, touching your forehead with his and closing his eyelids tightly.
"Jeonghan," you whispered in warning when you felt his breath caress your lips. But you could not bring yourself to be more commanding, to tell him to back away.
"I know, I know," he replied in kind. "I won't do anything, I just…"
His tongue slid between his lips before he pressed them into a tight line. You shuddered slightly when the hand that was not on your wrist came to touch your cheek, the pads of his cold fingers grazing your skin softly, making your eyelids flutter and close.
"It killed me to walk away from you," he confessed with a strain in his voice, making it break. "I think of you everyday, I want to talk to you, to see your face. I haven't been the same since I said goodbye to you. I'm lost."
You wanted to tell him that you also thought of him every single day. But that was not entirely true. It broke your heart to lose him, to think that you hurt him. It broke your heart to know that you had been equally lost since realizing that you loved him too.
However the reality was, in the time you did not speak to Jeonghan, you had someone to hold, to kiss. You were with Joshua night and day, while Jeonghan thought of you, missed you.
"Please forgive me," you whispered, swallowing your tears with some difficulty.
"You did nothing wrong. There was no way you could control this. It was me who came to your hotel room that night, knowing that it would be my only chance to be with you. I only regret that you weren't totally aware of my intentions. Mine or Joshua's."
That finished breaking your heart. Knowing that your boyfriend had betrayed you in such a way made you feel stupid. And to think that Jeonghan also knew about what Joshua had planned that night but still went on with it too.
The pain you felt made you recoil instantly, backing away from him. Jeonghan opened his eyes, probably encountering the pain written in the features of your face because his sweet gaze dimmed, realizing that you were hurting.
"I want to go home," you muttered.
You saw his lips part and braced yourself for him to apologize again, you were beginning to feel sick of it. You knew he was sorry, but somehow you needed more.
But Jeonghan just nodded, his hand leaving your wrist and reaching for the doorknob.
"Let's go," he whispered, and you assumed that he just kept his comments for the best.
You fidgeted on the ride back home, your fingers twisting the fabric of the sleeves of the hoodie you were wearing, telling Jeonghan how nervous you were to go back home when he darted a glance your way.
"Hey," he muttered softly when the car came to a stop in front of the building where you lived. He sighed and brought a hand to rub on his face in a sign of frustration. "Baby, I need you to listen to me."
Your stomach clenched at the sound of the way he called you. The first instinct that flashed through you was to plead with him to never call you that again, but right after you decided that his intention was not to flirt with you or to smooth you over.
Jeonghan loved you. And to some degree that you did not want to go over yet, you loved him back. It felt unfair to deny him that after all that you have been through with him. But it also felt unfair to your boyfriend, even if he said he was fine with all of this.
"Jeonghan," you whispered just as he was drawing in a breath to tell you whatever was on his mind. "Stop calling me baby."
"I'm sorry," he immediately said, blinking rapidly. The tiniest of smiles broke its way on his lips. "It slips."
You sighed.
"Listen to me," he repeated, unbuckling his belt and shifting on his seat to level with you. "Whatever happens in there, you can trust me if you want to talk about it. If you need me, I'll be there. Okay? I don't want you to feel cornered with all of this, with my feelings, your boyfriend and all. I might not be your friend anymore but I want you to know that you can trust me."
Your heart hurt at his words, and it probably showed in your face too because his gaze softened.
"We can't be friends anymore," he explained with an even softer tone. "I don't think we genuinely were for a time."
"Then why do you want me to trust you?" you asked, confused but your tone quivered and broke by the last two words, ending in a mere whisper.
"Because there is no one that could understand what you're going through right now," he whispered too, showing how tight the knot in his throat was, just like yours. "And I don't want you to go through this on your own. I also caused this."
"Stop it with the fucking guilt thing. You two," you gasped, shaking your head in disapproval.
"It's true," he reasoned, his eyebrows pinched slightly. "We're both idiots. Your boyfriend and I. We abused your trust."
"Maybe I shouldn't trust either of you," you muttered, scratching an invisible stain on the hem of your sleeve while trying to swallow your tears.
"Maybe," he whispered and you turned to see his face briefly. Jeonghan was still looking at you, his sweet brown eyes glistening in sorrow. "I am sorry."
"I know, Jeonghan," you nodded with your head, heart thumping so fast and hard that it ached, making you breathe erratically. "I forgive you."
Jeonghan released a short sigh after hearing your words. "Will you be able to forgive him too?"
"Do you really care?" you asked and as soon as the words got out you saw how offensive they seemed to be to him.
"Of course," he pressed his lips together in a tight line as he nodded reassuringly. "He is my best friend. I still care about him, you know."
"Even if you betrayed each other?"
"Don't see it like that he–," he paused, seemingly at thought. "He tends to sabotage himself."
You suddenly felt like you had reached a part of Jeonghan that you did not know thoroughly. A part that in all the time that you had shared together you barely saw of: him being Joshua's best friend. The person he knows best, and completely confides in. You thought you knew Joshua, but Jeonghan had years of experience with him.
And adding to that, Jeonghan is an excellent judge of character.
"What do you mean about that?"
"He has never been in a relationship before. Not like this," he began to explain. "He is jealous, possessive, yes. But the killing factor he has is that he is an overthinker. Whatever he does, he'll never feel good enough. He probably thought that I could give you what he couldn't when he went away, and that's what he asked me to do. To keep you company, to do things he wasn't able to do because he was in a different country… and when he understood that I fell for you and you for me, he did things to sabotage himself instead of talking to you."
"Why didn't you tell him anything either?" you dared to ask, keeping your tone calm but in reality you felt angered now at him.
"But I did," he replied. "I tried telling him that even though I kept you company, you felt ignored by him. Every time we talked about organizing your book party, I asked him to do anything to be there because I knew how crushed you were because he wasn't going. There is just no saving him once he feels he's not good enough."
Jeonghan rested one hand on the steering wheel with a sigh that you thought sounded like frustration, biting his lower lip and shaking his head slightly.
"But I was also selfish," he confessed, averting his sweet brown eyes to the front and away from your face in shame. "I thought that if he didn't try to save his relationship with you, if he continued like that, then I should risk my chances with you. It's fucked up, I know."
"And you never stopped to consider how I would feel?" you asked in utter rage.
"I did, all the time," he immediately replied, locking eyes with you. "I was selfish and stupid. I should've never done that. That is also why I couldn't bring myself to talk to you. I am ashamed."
"God, you two," you muttered, burying your face in your hands. "Why can't you two just be honest from the beginning?"
"You weren't completely honest either," he retorted, but his tone was kind. He leaned his head to one side to try and meet your eyes. "If things would've been different, do you think that you would've told me about your feelings? Would you have told him about it?"
"I don't know, Jeonghan," you whispered. "I didn't want to admit what I felt for you. Especially not under the circumstances that I did."
He pressed his lower lip to his upper, making tiny dimples appear on his chin. "I guess that we're all to blame here, not just your boyfriend."
"Maybe you should tell him that. He will need to hear it," you whispered as your fingers hooked to the door handle. "Thanks for the ride, Jeonghan."
"Don't thank me," he whispered, his eyes following you as you stepped out of the car.
"I'll... keep in touch," you muttered reluctantly before closing the door and walking beneath the light rain and into the lobby of the building, leaving a trail of wet steps behind.
The elevator ride was the longest that you have ever experienced in your life. Hands fidgeting on the sleeves of your hoodie, using them to wipe some droplets of water from your cheeks and forehead, knees bouncing slightly as you keep your eyes trained on the red numbering of the floor levels.
You rushed to your door, stopping before it to breathe in. After psyching yourself briefly, you opened the door, convincing yourself that you had to go through this if you wanted to save
Joshua was sitting in the living room, elbows placed on his knees, hands clasped tightly together. His eyes lit up when he saw you, but he made no move, no attempt to find out about your whereabouts yet.
You closed the door behind you, moving slowly towards him. "Hi," he rasped, his big eyes focused on you, searching your face.
"Can we talk?" you muttered hoarsely from what you assumed was all the crying continuously.
His entire demeanor was dimmed. The natural sparkle in his doe eyes was obscured by the sadness he carried. When you stood before him and he raised his face to see you, you noticed that his forehead and hair were slightly wet, some strands had collected droplets of water.
Had he gone out as soon as it started raining? You remembered in a passing thought how much he liked to take a walk whenever it rains.
"Yes," he nodded once and finally moved from his seat, straightening up and placing a hand next to him.
Tentatively, you walked to the couch and sat next to him, but far enough that your thigh did not touch with his.
"I uh..." you muttered awkwardly. "I'm sorry for leaving you like that."
"W-what?" he blurted and you saw the broken confusion in his eyes.
"I should have talked to you before leaving, Josh," you whispered shamefully. But some tears gathered in the corners of your eyes, telling on the quiet rage that you still felt towards him. "But I was so angry with you and really couldn't stay here."
"No, baby, don't apologize," he said sorrowfully, his dark eyes dimmed when he looked at your fidgeting hands. "You have all the right to be angry with me. I did wrong. I am the one that should be apologizing."
"Yes, I know," you whispered, sniffling loudly. "You've broken my trust, Josh."
Joshua went completely rigid, you saw the moment when your words robbed him of air and his eyes widened in pure fear. "No, no, no, please baby, I'm sorry. I never wanted to do that, I swear. Please, please, forgive me," he blurted quickly, almost as if he could not bring a halt to himself, his hands trying to grab yours but you retreated them on your lap.
"Don't," you muttered, pain soaring through you. But you pushed yourself on the seat, determined to stand your ground.
"Please," he whispered, tears brimming rapidly in his dark eyes and spilled. "Baby, please. I never... this is not–I never wanted to hurt you."
"But you did," you mumbled, trying with all of your might to not break when you saw him let out a sharp sob, you saw the pain in his teary eyes.
"I'm sorry, I truly am, baby. Please," he whispered, reading your face with a desperate glance. "I was blind. I acted out of jealousy. Please believe me when I say that I never wanted this to happen."
"Then what did you want, Joshua?" you asked, an equally despairing hint quivering your tone. "What did you get from all of this?"
"I... nothing," he swallowed hard, the features of his face darkening in a grimace. "I regret everything. I never wanted to hurt you, or Jeonghan."
At that, you were sure to be nearing a total breakdown, breathing rapidly but surprisingly, you kept your tone controlled. "Do you have somewhere to stay tonight, Joshua?" you asked, his big brown eyes raising to yours slowly reading the certainty in you.
"I–yes, I do," he nodded and kept his head down, teardrops landing on his lap, leaving two perfect spots on his blue jeans.
A silence flooded the room and you searched for something to say as you watched him cry silently. Something beneath all the rage ached to hold him, you ached to tell him that you forgave him for doing what he did. You wanted with all of your heart to tell him that you still loved him, and that you forgave him.
But you were still angry and hurt. You felt betrayed in some way you had never felt before. You thought that you could trust Joshua, you thought you were safe with him. After all that you have been through together, this cannot be the way he loses you.
"Tell me how I can trust you again," you whispered despite yourself.
"I won't do something like that again," he answered, much as if he had made that promise to himself before offering it to you. He inhaled deeply and raised his head to look at your eyes. "I promise."
Before you could bring out a response, Joshua moved from the couch and to the floor in front of you on his knees, his teary eyes raised to find yours. He anxiously licked his chapped lips, the lower quivering slightly as he drew in a breath, whispering your name afterwards.
"I felt insecure, I was irrational. I wanted him to get close to you, to be there for you when I couldn't but at the same time it drove me insane that he could even think that he had a chance with you and I wouldn't fight for you. I understand if you don't want to forgive me. I just want you to know that I regret everything..."
Joshua faltered in his tone and his words, dropping his gaze to your hands still resting on your lap. His lower lip trembled but it swiftly stopped when your hand slid on his cheek.
A perplexed look shot through the beautiful and sad features of his face, but as he blinked you saw how your touch seemed to calm the emotions that stormed within him.
He leaned his face against your hand on his cheek, closing his eyes briefly to let some tears slip and roll down his face. "I'm sorry," he whispered again, gulping hard, his warm hand pressing against yours to keep your touch against him. "I'm sorry, baby."
"I know," you muttered. "I'm sorry too. I never wanted to make you think that I didn't love you."
"No. I know," he frowned with genuine hurt showing in his eyes. "I know that you love me," he said with frustration lacing his tone: "But I was blind and stupid. I couldn't see past my jealousy and acted irrationally. I fucked up."
"Josh..." you whispered shakily, cupping his other cheek so you now held his tear stained face. "Why? What's happening?"
His eyebrows knitted, making faint lines show between his eyebrows. After reading your face confusedly, his features relaxed, seemingly knowing where your question was aimed at.
"I don't know if this will work," he whispered too, gulping hard and then took in a breath.
"This? Us?" you asked, your heart crushing over the finality you were reaching.
Joshua nodded slowly. "I'm leaving in three weeks. I have to go on tour and I don't know when I'll be coming back."
Your stomach twisted painfully. Something within you already knew something like this would happen again. This was part of your boyfriend's job, this was his life now.
But you wished for time to stop. The least you wanted was to feel lonely again while he was away on tour. The days and nights without hearing from him, keeping up with updates online to know about him, the missed calls, the unanswered texts...
If Joshua felt like your relationship would not survive the distance again, then you had no hopes either.
"So you're sabotaging it?" you asked, your tone had dropped and sounded tiny, almost fearful.
Your boyfriend heard the familiarity in your words, and he knew that you had spoken to Jeonghan about it because he simply nodded with his head, his lips pressing into a line.
You inhaled deeply, building yourself some courage before uttering a question you never thought you would be asking him: "Do you want to break up, Joshua?"
"No," he immediately replied, blinking away some tears. "No, baby. I don't."
A deep sense of realization invaded you. It seemed quite evident to you now. The way he rushed into talking about marriage, and eventually kids when he knew he would not be here anymore. Moving fast to secure you at his side, clinging onto you desperately.
"I want to get better," he sighed, slowly letting his forehead rest on your lap and a broken sob escaped him, shaking slightly as he muttered through a broken voice: "I want to be better for you, for us... I don't want to lose you."
Your hands moved to caress his head, and his back. You felt him cry silently in your lap, the fabric of your pants collecting his tears, his hands clenching on the fabric of your clothes.
"Joshua," you muttered softly, but after some seconds you knew he had not heard you. "Joshua, look at me."
He raised his head, the small curve beneath his eyes glistened wet in tears, his eyelashes clumped in the wetness too. You brought a hand to gather his tears, making him blink at you confusedly, as if he had not expected your touch to be so soft.
"I don't know if this will work either..." you confessed guiltily due to holding onto that thought for so long.
"W-what do you want to do?" he blurted before you could tell him what you were really meaning to say. "Do you want to break up?"
You pondered over the way he spoke those final words, his voice had dropped too, as if the weight of the question crushed his tone, reducing it to a whisper.
"No," you shook your head. "I want to make this work too, Joshua. I want to know how we are going to make our relationship work when you go away for tour."
"I think we need to talk about how to make this work now," he uttered his words slowly, going over each syllable carefully. "Can you forgive me?"
"I'm still mad at you. I wished you would've asked me before," you whispered reluctantly. "But I understand why you did it, everything. I never wanted to make you feel jealous, but I also understand why you did. I forgive you, Joshua."
It was as though you lifted an immeasurable weight from him. You saw his body shift as his shoulders went slack, and the features of his face relaxed, his tear filled eyes reading your face.
"Thank you. Thank you, baby," he sighed deeply, blinking his big teary eyes slowly. "I won't let you down again, I promise."
"Can you forgive me?" you asked, scooping the tears rolling down his cheeks with the back of your pointer finger.
"There is nothing to forgive," he replied, still looking up at you, still on his knees in front of you.
"But, I also betrayed your trust–," you blurted.
"Baby, you never did that. We've talked about this, I know that you love me. I know what you feel for him, and I'm okay with that," Joshua said with a controlled tone now, much as if he had thought about it a million times.
"How?" the question slipped as if you were suddenly robbed of air. "How can you be okay with this?"
He lowered his eyes briefly from your face, as if searching for his answer. "I know that what you have with me is special," he frowned a little, then swallowed hard again. "I know that your love for me is different from your love for him."
Just as you were about to repeat your initial question, it made sense to you. Upon seeing Jeonghan again, you knew that you loved him, but you also found out that you were not in love with him, not the same way that you were in love with Joshua.
Joshua closed his eyes briefly and let out a sigh that denoted the release of all the stress he had accumulated. "I thought I would lose you," he confessed with a low, but quivering tone. "I never thought I would feel that again."
"Again?" you whispered but the shadow of a memory came to your mind just as he nodded.
You would not know about this story if Jeonghan would not have told you about it. The story of the night when Joshua drank until he could not even think straight, and Jeonghan had to come to his rescue. Joshua thought you would not speak to him ever again, that he had ruined everything.
"I'm sorry, baby," he muttered, burying his face on your lap once again. "I overheard your conversation with Jeonghan that night... that's when I knew that what you felt for him was different. I was relieved, but I also felt bad. For you. For him. I understood that my jealousy was misplaced and that's why I told you that night that you could maybe try to work things out with him."
"You never told me that," you stated out flatly, frowning upon remembering that conversation when you saw Jeonghan crushed and walked out of the hotel room.
"I tried to," he whispered, dimples showing over his lips when he pressed them in a line. "I don't think you understood what I was suggesting."
"You said I didn't have to give him false hope," you remembered every second of that night, you had committed yourself to replay it over and over as a form of self-torture.
"I am sorry that I pressured you to confront what you feel for him in that way," he blinked slowly at you, much as if he had been depleted of all energy. The corners of his eyes were red and wet in tears, and it seemed that his brow had not relaxed from the minute you walked through the door.
"I understand why you did it," you mindlessly, almost instinctively wiped the tear that rolled down his cheek. "But I wasn't ready to face it, because I didn't want to admit it, Joshua. I never wanted to feel like I cheated on you in any way."
"I don't think that you cheated. Baby, I trust you," he replied confusedly, as if that part were evident. "I just didn't like the way he looked at you. I fucking hated the look on his face when he made you laugh. I hated that he could take you to dinner, he kept you company, he organized your party for the book release."
"But you asked him to do that," you said dumbly.
Joshua nodded. "I couldn't be there to do it myself," he pressed his lips together. He had stopped crying, but his dark and teary eyes glimmered when he raised them to look at you.
"Joshua, this is crazy," you whispered but somehow you conveyed the alarm that rang in your mind upon hearing his words.
"I know. And I'm going to fix it," he replied in kind. "I will, baby."
After a moment, Joshua got to his feet in a reluctant manner, slowly turning to the hallway that led to the bedroom. The air of finality still hung in the air, it clung to your heart like nothing else.
So you pushed yourself from the couch too, following him down the dark wall to the bedroom which had already been lit up by the lamp on the nightstand on your side of the bed.
"Joshua?" you called, and saw him on the corner of the room, standing by the drawers, your heart dropping when you saw him packing his clothes.
"Yes?" he replied softly, turning to see you standing by the door.
"What are you doing?" you asked, even though the answer was evident.
"I–I am packing some clothes," he explained, a light frown painting his face in clear confusion.
He resumed his task when you could not give him an answer. You had asked him to find a place to stay, in your anger and despair. But now you suddenly remembered the way you reprimanded yourself for the time he spent away, when his first tour left you feeling lonely and empty. You remembered the regret you felt over not being closer to him, despite all the mistakes you both made.
"Joshua... don't," you muttered, crossing the door of the bedroom and reaching his side.
He was just grabbing a pair of socks when you approached him, his curious eyes reading your face as he heard your words.
"I don't want you to leave," you blurted with a repressed sigh. "I'm sorry, I told you to look for somewhere to sleep tonight but I don't want you to anymore."
You felt a wave of remorse wash over you. You felt bad about playing with his feelings, about telling him to go, hurting him and then taking it back. But you could not bring yourself to regret not asking him to stay.
"Are you sure?" he asked with a low mutter, he sounded genuine, almost as if his mind had already found his resolve: "If you need to be alone tonight, I can go somewhere."
"Yes, I'm sure," you stammered. "I was hurt, I–I still am, but I don't want you to go," you sighed in frustration over your own words.
His eyebrows pushed up, looking lost for a second as he asked: "I can sleep on the couch, if you want."
"Joshua, I want you to sleep with me," you rolled your eyes to the ceiling now. "I–just please don't go anywhere."
"I'm confused, you said–"
With a sharp exhale, you reached his nape with a hand as the other cupped his cheek, bringing him for a heated, frustrated kiss. It was more like you crushed your lips against his, so hard to the point that it was almost painful to you.
"Don't go," you whispered shakily. "I'm sorry, Josh, I know this is confusing but–"
Joshua let out a short, strangled grunt in your mouth as his tongue rolled past your lips, his hand slipping in the curve of your neck to kiss you deeper, making you taste his sweet lips with a moan from your part.
You heard something drop to the floor, followed by the dry thump of the drawer slamming shut with what you could imagine was his other hand that joined the other at your neck.
"You drive me crazy," he sighed, it was not a passionate statement, as he has done many times before.
It was a torn confession, much as if he was completely relinquished to being in a maddened loop with you.
"I'm sorry," you whispered when you parted from his lips, your hands falling to grab his shoulders for support.
"No, don't be," he replied in kind, touching your forehead with his own. "I'd rather have you drive me crazy forever than us splitting up."
"Joshua, we need to get better at this," you muttered shakily, your hand moving from one of his shoulders to find his hand on the crook of your neck.
"We will," he asserted. "I love you. I don't want to hurt you ever again. I won't."
Some of his words sounded familiar somehow, you thought. You also thought of telling him that relationships do not survive on love alone. But in that moment, the deep craving for his affection and reassurance won over reason.
"I love you too," you replied.
Joshua sighed, the sound was broken, almost as if it fought to get out of his lips. Then you understood that it had been a sob. "Say it again, please."
"I love you, Joshua."
His lips grazed yours just before he kissed you again, slowly and tenderly. "I won't fail you again," he muttered, his tone quivering slightly.
"Do you promise?" you whispered, your lower lip quivering slightly under the emotional turmoil that shook within you.
"Yes, I promise," he replied in the same manner, his eyebrows pinching slightly when he saw your eyes brimming with tears. "I promise, baby."
"I'm sorry that my actions pushed you to do this," you muttered with a broken voice, as if you held onto that thought from the moment you knew how this all happened. "I should have never gotten close to Jeonghan."
"No, baby. Don't say that," he replied with a crushed tone. "I know that you never had intentions to hurt me. And that your feelings for him were pure."
His thumbs wiped away the tears that rolled down your cheeks as you sobbed quietly.
The sense of relief you felt when he said that overwhelmed you briefly, making you choke on your words.
"The moment that became clear to me, I regretted everything," he whispered. "I pushed you too far and I don't want to do that ever again, baby."
Then he pressed his lips on your forehead for a long second, small but affectionate kisses made their way down from your forehead to your temple, to reach the apple of your cheek.
"I love you so much, bunny. I know that your heart is big enough for the both of us."
At that, you started crying fully, big hot tears brimmed in your eyes as you sobbed in pain from all the guilt and remorse you had felt for weeks.
"Come here," he whispered, wrapping his arms around you and you dropped your head on his shoulder to find some support, your hands clinging onto his shirt. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."
The sound of your cries and sobs filled the room, paired with Joshua repeating his gentle words over and over. He had started a gentle rocking motion from side to side, still holding you in a warm embrace.
"Do you want to lay on the bed?" he asked with a soft tone.
You nodded with your head still propped on his shoulder, sniffling quietly and trying to bring your cries to a stop.
"Okay."
You climbed on the bed first, slumping down on your designated side and waited for him to fill in his side.
But he stood before the bed. "Do you want me to bring you some water? Are you hungry?"
You smiled softly at him. "Water is okay."
"Sure," he muttered and walked out of the bedroom.
You took the moment to ask yourself what you wanted to do from now on. Your thoughts were scattered, between what you said to Jeonghan and what happened just now with Joshua. You knew that you loved them both, but you also knew that you wanted to be with just one of them.
Joshua came back carrying a glass of water, and you sat on the bed to take big generous gulps down. Your boyfriend stared at your face, his doe eyes slowly swimming over the features of your face with some sleepiness written all over them.
"Are you tired, baby?" you asked when he let out a big sigh.
The sweet tone laced all over your voice made him arch his eyebrows slightly, lifting his gaze to find yours before the corners of his lips rose slightly.
"Yeah, a bit," he admitted, but he looked now more amazed at the gentleness of your words. As if he were not expecting you to be caring for him after being mad at him.
"Let's go to sleep, alright?"
His brow furrowed ever so slightly, but he nodded. "Alright," he replied.
Then commenced what you usually did before going to bed. You stood from the bed and changed into the t-shirt that you had stolen from Joshua's drawers, and now used nightly. Joshua smiled softly upon seeing his oversized t-shirt on you, just as he started removing his clothes himself.
You were brushing your teeth when Joshua came to hug you from behind, resting his chin on your shoulder and casting a look on the mirror in front of you to find your face. His demeanor was of a calmed anguish, his eyes were sad and tired, and you could tell that he still felt guilty over something.
But before you could ask about it, he pressed a kiss on your shoulder over his t-shirt, squeezing your waist with his hand as he reached out to grab his toothbrush, blinking slowly at you through the reflection of the mirror, probably noticing your curious eyes on him.
You pressed your lips into a tight smile and decided to wait for him on the bed, that way you could gather your thoughts before diving into questions.
You laid on your side of the bed, rethinking the conversation you had with Jeonghan. A shadow of guilt loomed over you when your thoughts inevitably found their way to the moment Jeonghan pulled you to that empty room, the way he seemed to be fighting against himself when he touched foreheads with you.
As soon as he slid beneath the bed sheets, your boyfriend searched for you to wrap his arms around your waist, effortlessly pulling you to him with a sigh that denoted some kind of relief that he was lying beside you.
"Are you okay, Josh?" you asked when you lifted your chin and found his gaze.
"I'm fine," he replied slowly, but his sad eyes did not let him lie to you.
"Tell me," you whispered, scooting on the bed closer to him to the point that your nose nearly touched his.
"It's nothing–I just," he slowly took in a breath, much as if he did that to combat whatever it was inside him that made him look so sad. "I don't want to go away for tour already. I wanted to stay here a bit longer. With you."
"We have three weeks left," you said, offering him some peace in the midst of all of the chaos.
"I wish I could give you more," he muttered, lifting a hand to caress your cheek softly. "I don't want to make you feel lonely at my side. I don't want to be away from you again."
"I know, baby," you whispered. "I don't want that either. But we'll get a hang of it, right?"
A sliver of hope seemed to glimmer in his dark eyes as he read your face slowly before nodding slightly with his head. "Yeah, baby. We will."
With some reluctance, you brought one hand to caress his chest, sending a glance to his face to catch any signs of discomfort. But he just quietly looked at you, his eyes trained on you as though he had missed your face.
"Sure you're okay?" you asked.
He nodded and grabbed your hand from his chest, kissing your palm tenderly to then press his lips on the pads of your fingers. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just thinking."
"About?"
He returned your hand to his chest, and you circled it back to his nape, playing with the strands of his golden brown hair with your fingers. "Did you tell Jeonghan how you feel?" he asked, darting a glance to your face swiftly.
"Y-yes, Josh. I told him about it," you blurted anxiously. "B-but nothing happened, he just grabbed my wrist and he… he–,"
"It's okay, baby," he muttered softly. "I don't mind if something happens between you."
"What?" you blurted incredulously.
"Baby, I've told you. Whatever you need to do when you're with him, do it, it's okay. I understand."
"Joshua," you muttered in a reproachful way. "You don't need to do that."
"But I mean it," he said with ease. "I don't want you to miss him and me when I go away."
You couldn't believe your ears. Maybe, your boyfriend was so tired that his mind had started to malfunction, sending weird thoughts to his mouth.
Joshua looked really tired from what you could assume was all the emotional and mental stress he went through thinking he would lose you. You thought of his words, of him saying that he wants to get better and now hearing that he would not take issue if you seek something with Jeonghan—
"You're crazy," you gasped.
Joshua let out a tired giggle, his hand slipping under your hair and cupping your nape. He crushed his lips against yours with a hum, backing away with a soft smacking of both your lips and his.
"Maybe," he rasped, pressing his lips against yours again. "But I mean it. If you need me to prove it to you, I will."
"Prove what–," you muttered but were quickly shut up by another kiss, and another.
You let out a laugh when his tongue sloppily slid between your lips as he kissed you languidly. His wet lips locked with yours kissing you tenderly, slowly, he hummed in your lips and you responded with your own, wordlessly telling each other of what you felt when your lips met.
"I love you," he whispered, his thumb and pointer finger pinching your chin to keep kissing you, he pressed his lips on the tip of your nose, then your forehead.
"I love you, Joshua," you replied in kind, littering kisses on his cheeks too, making him giggle softly when you kissed his studded eyebrow, the corners of his doe eyes.
He slid one arm beneath the curve of your neck, the other one snaking on the small of your back, thus hugging your body and pressing you to his. He continued littering your face with small kisses, he kissed your smile, and stilled when you cupped his cheek with your hand to bring him for a longer kiss.
You fell asleep not long after, breathing in the scent of his skin, pressing your lips on his throat. It was a short sleep, it happened regularly to you, being such a bad sleeper that when you woke up, you just sighed, knowing that it was one of those nights.
What you did not expect however, was that Joshua was awake too, apparently. The kiss he left on the crown of your head told you that much, just before he slid out of the bed sheets and walked out of the bedroom.
You heard the bathroom door close, followed by faint and muffled noises that you realized were kept at minimum to avoid waking you up.
Your boyfriend came back shortly, and upon seeing him enter the bedroom you decided to close your eyes, pretending to be asleep.
Joshua sighed when he reoccupied the space beside you, his hands searching for you quite immediately to hold you again.
You flinched as soon as you felt the cold and recently wet contact of his skin. "Cold," you whispered.
"Sorry," he muttered. "Did I wake you up?"
You hummed dismissively and scooped closer to him, humming happily when he wrapped your body in his arms again. One of his hands rubbed circles on your back over the large t-shirt you wore, you soon understood that he was doing that to soothe himself, not you.
His other hand found your hair, his fingers sinking in between the strands and raking through your scalp softly, making you sigh in the ecstatic feeling.
Joshua hummed sweetly when he heard your smile, moving his head to bump the tip of his nose against your forehead, egging you to lift your face to find his eyes.
What followed then was a long silence between you, soft touches here and there from both parts, you cupped his cheek , holding his dreamy gaze as your thumb caressed his lower lip, the rest of your fingertips grazing his cheek, his eyebrows.
Your boyfriend giggled sleepily when your hand slid from his face and a finger traced a line down his neck, feeling his Adam's apple bobbing slightly under your touch as he smiled at you.
He took the hand that was trailing down between his pecs now, taking it to his lips so that he could press tiny kisses on your knuckles and your fingers.
"Sorry, I'll let you sleep now," you whispered, abashedly.
"No, no," he muttered, negating with his head ever so slightly. "Keep going... please."
He released your hand by putting it back on his chest, urging you to keep administering sweet and tender touches to his skin. You smiled at him as you first pushed his golden brown hair back, making him blink a couple of times.
Joshua closed his eyes, sighing deeply when you caressed his cheek with the palm of your hand, his face relaxing so much you nearly thought he had fallen asleep.
But no, he was just relishing in your touch. It seemed as though feeling your hands on him, delivering soft touches, caressing his skin. You felt his chest swell slowly as you caressed his lean pecs, and you saw the features of his face relax.
His sleepy eyes outlined the features of your face quietly. "You're beautiful," he whispered, blinking slowly at you.
"Thank you, Josh," you giggled dismissively.
"I mean it," he whispered. "You're the prettiest girl I'd ever seen," he mumbled, pressing the side of his face against the pillow and closing his eyes.
"Go to sleep, baby," you replied.
"Mmn," he hummed as one of his hands slid on your cheek. "You have the prettiest eyes, and the softest lips," he mumbled against your lips, giving you a feathery kiss. "I love the sound of your voice. I love the smell on your hair, your neck."
Your heart stammered frantically. "Josh," you mumbled in between featherlight kisses.
"I love the way you say my name," his whisper had turned into a breathy growl now, his next kiss hungrier than the last. Your boyfriend grunted slightly as he took a breath, his kisses had dropped all delicacy.
You sneaked a hand beneath the bed sheets to find his naked torso, feeling the hard muscle of his lats, making him drown a moan into your mouth.
"Don't you want to sleep, baby?" he whispered, his lips grazing yours at each word he uttered.
"No," you replied, your body suddenly alight just as his hand found the hem of the t-shirt, pulling it upwards and finding your skin, and pressing on your lower back.
"Okay," he whispered, reciprocating your eager kisses one by one, responding to each of your tiny moans with his own.
"Joshua," you called breathily when his hand slipped from your lower back, circling your waist under your t-shirt.
"Yes?" he mumbled, pressing his fingertips on your skin in a gentle manner, the act was not suggestive in any way.
Even after all of the times you have been intimate with your boyfriend, you were still categorically bad at initiating sex. Joshua was normally the one who would ask, or straight up tell you what he wanted. You sometimes envied that.
Because at that moment, Joshua did not read your intentions as well as he usually did. A thing you attributed to the still very recent cathartic moment you both had.
Joshua hummed when you sank your lips between his, kissing him deeply, brushing his upper lip with the tip of your tongue, a hand threading on his hair, tugging at the golden brown strands suggestively.
"Bunny," he muttered hoarsely, you felt his body tensing as he backed away from your lips.
Your heart deflated quite instantly when you noticed that his eyes had regained some sparkle, but you did not see the hunger in them that you had expected. He still looked anguished, and tired.
"We don't have to do this," he mumbled gently after a second he took to scan your face.
"But I want to," you hated the way your tone sounded whiny and needy.
His mouth parted a little, drawing in a breath and you could tell that whatever he was about to say, he dismissed it mentally by blinking once. "Baby, we have to stop resorting to have sex to try and fix our issues."
"I–I am not trying to have sex with you because of that," you whispered shamefully, almost feeling hurt that was his immediate thought.
"Are you sure?" he inquired, pushing his eyebrows up.
"I'm sure," you muttered, nodding your head. "When you left for tour, I realized that I regretted not being more intimate with you. And you're le–leaving again in three weeks. I don't want to regret that all over again."
His gaze softened. "You never told me," he mumbled in a non-reprimanding way.
"I am telling you now," you whispered and tried not to roll your eyes at yourself. "I get what you mean when you tell me that you wished things were different. I wish that too, from my part. I want to get better too."
"We'll work on it," he asserted quickly. "I just don't want you to think that we can appease every difficult situation we have by having sex."
"But when you go away, I'll–I just don't want to feel bad because I didn't get to be as close to you," you whispered, now completely shrunk over the feeling of his rejection.
"Our relationship has been turbulent from the start," he conceded with a hint of sad realization. "And a big part of our relationship is having sex, I don't want us to use it as a form to cope with our issues anymore."
"I know," you replied in the same manner. "I just wanted..."
"What?" he egged you on when your tone faltered and your gaze wandered elsewhere.
"I want to make the most of the time that we'll have together. Before you leave," your voice sounded tiny, but you felt content that you could get your words out and locked eyes with him.
"I understand that you feel anxious about me leaving, I feel the same way. But we'll manage," he whispered. "I can come back on the week days, if the opportunity rises. Or maybe you can visit me, whatever comes first."
"But in the meantime?" you inevitably asked. "When you went away, I felt frustrated at myself because I couldn't be closer and intimate with you. And I don't want that to happen again."
He probably saw the troubled look in your eyes, or heard the remorse in your tone because the features of his face smoothed a little, releasing the tension over the worry he still appeared to have. "Come here," he placed his pointer finger beneath your chin before he met your lips with his own.
"Josh, please," you whispered in between tender kisses, your hands moved to cup his face, using the opportunity to kiss him fervently. "Please, I need you. I want to feel you."
You hated how pathetic you sounded, but there was no other way to convey with words the need to feel his love for you. You needed the ache to be sated by his touch, by his lips on you.
"Do you really want to?" he asked in a hoarse whisper, his kisses turning as fervent and needy as yours.
"Yes," you breathed.
Your heart fluttered in victory when Joshua gave in, his tongue outlining your lower lip as his kiss turned fiery, ardent in passion. His hands roamed all over your back, pressing you against his hard body.
You muffled a moan in his mouth when his hand climbing up one side of your back circled to the front, feeling your chest under your t-shirt, his thumb grazing over your pebbled nipple, the pad of his tracing a circle on your areola, the touch kept so light that it made you shudder.
You hoisted one leg over and curled it around one of his to pull him closer to your body. Your hands have dropped from his cheeks and had found his hard chest again, exploring his torso and his back just to hear his small grunts in delight.
"I could never say no to you," he whispered in between featherlight kisses he littered from your lower lip, down to your chin, commanding you to pull your head back, leaving him ample space to kiss your neck.
"Joshua," you called in a breathy moan when his lips pressed a wet and open kiss on your throat.
"Yes?" he propped one of his arms below the pillows, pushing his body on top of yours without lowering his weight on you.
Your hands reached his face again, and he immediately leaned his cheek against your palm, closing his eyes before pressing his lips on the pad of your thumb as you caressed his lower lip.
"C-can we skip foreplay?" you asked timidly, but commanded yourself to look in his dark, dreamy eyes. "I really need you right now, baby."
"Of course," he whispered, giving you a nod with his head.
He lowered his hips to meet yours, thus making you feel his warmth, making you notice the way he was slowly getting hard as he continued kissing you. His arms framed your head on the pillows, as yours circled him over his shoulders, fingers grazing the golden brown hair on his nape.
"Say you love me," he breathed, pressing his lips against your lower repeatedly.
"I love you," you whispered shakily. "So much."
The low grunt he exhaled sent a shiver down your spine, he leaned his forehead on yours before pressing more kisses on your lips. Then you suddenly felt a hand sliding down your waist, fingers hooking on the band of your undies, tugging them down.
Joshua pulled back, sitting back on his heels to get rid of your panties, grabbing them by the band and pulling them down your legs. You lifted your feet, pulling your knees together to help him get your panties out of your ankles.
As he placed his hands on the sides of your head, you sent a glance down his body, finding his erection pressing on the fabric of his boxers.
The moment was quiet, just the exchange of kisses, soft gasps when Joshua lowered his hips against yours, when your cold hands slipped on his lower back and under the stretchy gray boxers, feeling his plump ass.
You pulled his underwear down as you felt his bum with the palms of your hands, making him smile as he pressed more kisses on the corners of your lips.
His eyes were trained on your face, outlining your features, much as if he were memorizing every single inch of your skin, your eyebrows, eyelashes, and he kissed the tip of your nose affectionately.
"Oh god," you gasped when you finally pushed his boxers down just about enough so you could feel his erection pressing against your wet pussy, making you flinch quite dramatically.
Your fingers wrapped around the veiny girth of his cock, enjoying the look on his face change from a calmed and fiery need for you, to a fully darkened gaze by lust and love for you. He blinked repeatedly when you angled him to your pussy, rubbing his tip on the slippery wet folds.
You felt your lower lip falling open when you guided the bulbous head of his cock to your entrance, and he immediately started pushing in. His dreamy eyes locked with yours, holding your gaze as he sheathed himself in you, every naked inch of him stretching your walls in one go.
"God, baby," he exhaled deeply, his eyebrows pinching in a gesture of pleasure. "You're so wet," he whispered, placing one arm over your head to support his body.
His other hand cupped your face, urging you to hold his gaze as he started rolling his hips on you, dragging his cock out and pushing it back in you tortuously slow, filling you up deliciously.
But you had realized that you did not care about pleasure at all.
"I love you," he whispered. Blinking languidly at you, the love in his eyes was undeniable, the smile he showed you making your heart flutter erratically.
"I love you," you replied, your hands roamed all over his back, feeling his hard muscles tense and relaxed as he pushed his hips against yours.
You wrapped your legs around him just as he moved the hand cradling your cheek to the other side of your head, thus now framing your head with his arms.
"My heart is yours," he muttered, his eyes reading the features of your face.
He pressed his lips on yours before you could muster a response, you had choked up on a sudden explosion of emotions, love, adoration, so violent and so tender at the same time that you had to muffle a sob in the kiss you shared with him.
"I am so in love with you," he whispered, breathing raggedly on your mouth.
Joshua nudged the tip of his nose with yours before meeting your lips with his own.
"I'm in love with you too, Josh," you muttered, your hand caressing his cheek and moving up to push his hair back.
The corners of his lips curved slightly into a sweet smile, his eyes looking at your face lazily, almost as if he were only kept awake by the overwhelming love and adoration he felt for you.
"Like this?" he asked softly when he rocked his hips against you in a different way, pushing inside you deeper, and slower.
You nodded wordlessly, losing yourself in the calm lust in his dark eyes.
"Kiss me, please?" you asked in a mere whisper.
He obliged immediately, locking his plump lips with yours, the tip of his tongue pressing on your lower lip, slowly rolling it into your mouth to meet yours.
Joshua moaned into your mouth, the rocking of his hips stuttering momentarily. "God," he sighed, dropping his forehead on yours gently, slowing down his thrusts as if to keep his own pleasure from building.
"No, no, keep going, please," you pleaded, realizing what he was doing.
"I'm close," he giggled shyly, pressing small kisses on your lips. "I'm sorry, baby. I really like it when you kiss me. Drives me crazy."
"I like it too," you replied, smiling fondly when you were reminded that your boyfriend could come from kissing you alone. "Please keep going, Josh."
"But I want you to feel good too," he mumbled, dragging his wet cock out of your walls despite the frustrated groan that elicited from you. "Just give me a second, baby," he said with a breathy giggle.
He used a hand to pull the t-shirt you stole from him up to your chest, his other arm supporting his body shifted on the pillows when he leaned down to litter your exposed breasts with wet kisses.
Your legs fell from his body and you lowered them back to the bed to see him move his body to get rid of his boxers completely. Then he crawled back to you to pay attention to your now naked breasts. His mouth wrapped around one of your nipples, giggling in response when you flinched dramatically.
"Josh, baby, please," you whined when the tip of his tongue swirled around your nipple, then moved to the other.
Joshua lifted his head to show you a smile, hovering on top of you to slot his hips between your thighs again, using one hand to align his cock to your pussy, slipping inside you again with a guttural moan from his part that vibrated on your chest.
You closed your eyes and buried your head on your pillows, swallowing back a moan when he started pushing in and out of you again. The pleasure you got from this was different to other times, but you were happy with just feeling him inside you, filling you up, every single inch of his body flushed against yours.
"Look at me, sweetheart," he mumbled when you were losing yourself on the blissful pleasure from his cock massaging your walls.
You opened your eyes again to see his face. Joshua smiled at you when your eyes met. "Don't close them again," he instructed with a caution lacing his tone.
You nodded your head in affirmation.
His arms cradled your head gently, his body now caging you in. "Move your knees up," he instructed and you did what he asked, lifting your feet off the bed and moving your knees back, thus angling your cunt for his thrusts.
The position made it so that you could feel his cock reaching a glorious spot within you. Your eyes widened slightly when you moaned, and he nodded.
"That's it. Feels good, doesn't it?" he mumbled with ragged breaths.
"Yeah, so good," you nodded frantically.
Joshua smiled sweetly at you, leaning to kiss your forehead. "I love you, baby."
Your hands grabbed his strong biceps, anchoring them for support as your thighs began to shake. "I love you," you replied in a whiny moan. "So, so much."
You felt his hips stutter again as a short breath escaped and brushed your lips. "Don't ever leave me," he whispered his plea.
"Never," you replied, your heart breaking over the way it seemed that his words escaped his mouth before he could hold a rein to them.
"I promise I'll get better," he muttered, once again touching your forehead with his as if he wanted to melt into you, latch onto you.
"I won't leave you, Josh," you mumbled with a pained chest, breaking over the look on his face, the broken sound of his voice. You were suddenly overcome with the need to take his pain away. "I promise."
"I can't live without you," he whispered, your cheek rubbed slightly with his and you felt a wetness smearing in your skin.
"Baby, I won't leave you," you replied in a hoarse whine, swallowing your tears. "Not now. Not ever. I'm yours."
"And I'm yours," he whispered back.
You cradled one of his cheeks with your hand, bringing him closer to kiss him, his breath hitched audibly when your lips touched his. He kissed you but briefly, because he started calling your name repeatedly, urgently.
"I'm close," he mumbled. "God, baby, please tell me your close."
You shook your head silently.
"Okay, okay," he sighed, one arm moving from your pillow, stopping the thrusts of his hips to hook his forearm beneath your knee, hoisting it up his shoulder and leaning forward.
Then he pressed his body on yours again, his cock reaching deeper than before, drawing out a wail from you so loud that you had to clamp your mouth shut with one hand.
"No, no, no, baby," he whispered languidly, growing more and more tired on top of you. "Let me hear you."
"Josh, please, please don't stop," you whined, tears brimming in the corners of your eyes but now from pure pleasure building rapidly inside you.
The position made it so that you felt fuller than before, you felt him push every single inch of his cock inside your walls, you felt him drag his cock in and out perfectly.
Joshua blinked sleepily, his dark eyes trained on your face to see any signs of discomfort. "Like that?" he asked, though he knew that you were already about to come.
"Yes, god, yes, please," you hissed, blinking your tears away but you did not tear your gaze from his.
Your boyfriend smiled fondly at you, he leaned his head to one side slightly, and you immediately brought one hand to cup his face, receiving one kiss on your palm.
You had reached a point where the pleasure was nearly overwhelming, making you moan pathetically every time he pushed his cock inside you.
"I'm there," you blurted. "Joshua, I'm g-gonna come."
Joshua nodded. "I'll come with you, baby," he whispered with some strain on his voice.
The vein popping in his forehead told you that he was growing tired. But Joshua did not falter in the movement of his hips, he did not slow down or change the depth of the thrusting of his cock inside you. His beautiful eyes trained on you the whole time.
"I love you, Joshua."
He blinked rapidly, his mouth parting to let out a tiny grunt. "I love you," he replied in kind.
You closed your eyes briefly as you were washed by the gentle and sweet waves of pleasure. "God, Josh..." you whispered, the grip on his bicep tightening as your orgasm overtook your body, making you writhe and arch your back on the bed.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," he whispered over and over, when you opened your eyes to find his, you saw the tears gathering in them. He came with you, his brow furrowing deeply, his mouth parting and letting sweet moans spill from his lips.
The last thrusts were sloppy, pushing his cum deep inside you and slumping his body on yours when he could not keep going any longer. He groaned in exhaustion, hiding his face on the curve of your neck, breathing in your smell, babbling nonsense, pressing kisses on your collarbone.
You wrapped your arms around him, lowering your shaky legs back to your bed, embracing the weight of his body on top of you, his warmth and the scent of his skin. Your hands caressed his body, waiting for him to come back to you.
"Sorry, I got carried away," he sighed, lifting his head from your shoulder, still breathing heavily.
"You were good, Joshua," you assured.
"Did you like it?" he asked with genuine curiosity.
"Y-yes," you stammered confusedly. But then it dawned on you that there were so few times you had vanilla sex with your boyfriend, you could count them in one hand. "Absolutely. Did you?"
He giggled. "Absolutely," he whispered. "Let me take care of you now, okay?"
"C-can we just stay like this for a bit?" you asked, your hand had made its way to his face once again, and you were pinching his chin softly.
"Sure," he said, pulling out of your wet walls carefully to not make you spill his cum immediately.
Joshua rolled back on the bed with a short sigh, lying next to you now, you felt his hand searching on the bed, finding your own to lace his fingers with yours.
"You're okay, bunny?" he asked, taking your hand to kiss your knuckles.
"I'm okay," you reassured, nodding your head on your pillow. "You?"
"I'm alright," he replied in kind, his lips curving into a tiny smile. And he looked tired still, but not nearly as sad as he looked before.
"Sure?" you asked with some caution.
"I'm sure," he whispered, shifting to lie on his side, placing one arm over your head on the pillows, he sent a glance at you. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," you nodded, now you were beginning to feel the waves of slumber starting to drag over you, making you stifle a yawn.
"What happened?" he whispered, lazily blinking, trying to keep awake. "With Jeonghan. What did he say?"
Your breath coiled in your throat. "We just t-talked, Josh," you stammered. "He told me how he feels over this whole situation. I told him how I've been feeling too."
"And how do you feel now?" his eyes raised to find yours, and you found out that he was genuinely curious.
"I don't know," you replied. "He sort of... left an open invitation for me to talk if I need it. But we won't be friends anymore."
Your voice broke in the final words and you had to look away from your boyfriend's face briefly.
"I'm sorry to hear that, baby," he whispered, and there was some warmth in his words when he uttered them.
"It's okay," you breathed. "I think this is for the best."
"Do you really think so?"
For a moment, you felt somewhat perplexed that you were having some sense of normalcy in talking to your boyfriend about what happened with Jeonghan. But that was just what it was, a normal, honest conversation with him.
"Yeah," you breathed. "We won't be seeing each other and this way I won't hurt him anymore."
"But is that what you really want?" he inquired with a low tone that told you he knew you were still sensitive about that.
"Mmm no," you confessed: "I wish we could go back to what we had before all of this but..." you rolled your eyes to the ceiling, trying to keep the looming sadness at bay. "I know now that we were not genuine with our friendship for a while, so... maybe it's best if we don't see each other again."
Joshua remained quiet for a long while, and when you saw his face again you saw that he had not fallen asleep, as you initially thought. He seemed deep in thought for a second, so you decided to drive his attention back to the present.
"I never told you this but I feel bad that you two aren't on speaking terms anymore, Josh. Do you think you can forgive him?" you whispered coyly, dreading to cross a line that you had not in all this time.
"No," he sighed, shifting on the bed so he was lying on his back again, tucking one arm under his head. "I don't know. It's not whether I can forgive him or not anymore, baby. I brought him and you closer, I knew he was in love with you the night of the threesome. I think that if we are going to move past this, then we need to talk about it, me and him... and you."
You huffed in disbelief for a second. "W-what?" you blurted. "You want me in that conversation?"
"If we are going to do things right from now on, I think that we should include you in that conversation when we have it," he whispered, stretching one arm to you when you scooted over, snuggling close to his body.
He wrapped you with one arm, sighing softly when you leaned your head on his chest, his fingertips started tracing invisible lines on your arm.
"When do you think you'll be ready to talk then?" you pried.
"Mm, soon. Maybe," he muttered, giving you a reluctant and fleeting look. "I... didn't tell you this, but I saw him just yesterday when I asked him to hear you out."
You lifted your head to meet his eyes. "Y-you did that?"
"I did," he whispered guiltily, sending his gaze to the ceiling. "I don't need to forgive him, baby. There are some things I just can't control. Jeonghan's only fault was that he thought he could fall in love with you without caring that I would resent him for it."
"B-but there's something I don't understand," you stammered, trying to ignore the hollow feeling in your chest when you heard those words with such ease.
"What is it?"
"You say you don't mind my feelings for him... why do you do his?"
His fingers circled your arm softly, stopping his gentle caress on your skin. "Because I get jealous, bunny," he whispered. "I can't stand the thought that he gets to know your secrets, he gets to make you laugh, and I know how that feels for him, so yeah, I am not too keen on him being in love with you."
"B-but you had no issue that night in the middle of it," you interjected, feeling more confused than before.
Joshua sighed and for a brief moment you considered finishing the conversation so that he could sleep. But it was not a sigh of tiredness, it actually denoted some kind of frustration, as if he himself battled with the answer to your question.
"I liked it," he muttered, avoiding your eyes still. "I guess that I liked seeing how much you enjoyed it, it turned me on to watch you. It turned me on to think that you were fulfilling one of your fantasies with me. I don't know. It confuses me too."
You remained quiet, trying to imagine his perspective on that night.
"I also liked that I got to see a part of you I hadn't until that night," he added after some seconds of silence. "You know, when we met, you were timid and I loved that, but seeing you more confident, and vocal with what you wanted made me even more attracted to you."
"So you didn't hate the whole experience?" you asked with a tiny voice, sneaking a look at his face.
"I didn't hate it, baby," he giggled, moving his hand from your arm to your head to thread your hair with his fingers. "I enjoyed every second of it."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Baby, you really have no idea of the effect you have on me," he sighed with a lazy giggle, feeling closer to a sweet slumber. "I really liked it. I found it very hot. I think if the circumstances were different, I'd do it again."
The last words he uttered seemed trampled by the sudden realization from his part. He was alarmed for a second, as if jerked awake by his own confession.
His immediate reaction was to look at your face. But you had your eyes closed, your cheek was squished by his shoulder and you had already begun to breathe deeply, your eyelids fluttering slightly when he moved his head back to his pillow.
Joshua exhaled in some kind of relief. But a sharp feeling inside his chest warned him of holding back this confession to you. He did not want to withhold things from you again, but he also had no clue as to what to do with this confession.
What did this imply for him? What circumstances?
Joshua twirled his keychain on his fingers mindlessly, the pad of his thumb brushing over the bunny figurine he had bought one day, long ago. He saw it and immediately thought of you, and got it so that in some way, you would be with him wherever he went.
The Spot was the same as the last time he visited two weeks ago, when he quite practically ambushed Jeonghan and asked him to talk to you.
That seemed like forever ago and not merely two weeks. Now, Joshua was closer to leaving for tour, closer to his band's first studio album release. So he was getting ready, busy with work, which he found a blessing, because he did not want to pay attention to his turbulent thoughts at the moment.
The music was kept at a low volume, but loud enough that he did not register the noise from the movement behind him. So he flinched in surprise when Jeonghan sat down on the barstool beside him with a loud sigh.
Joshua looked at his best friend once and clicked his tongue.
"What, I can't pull the same tricks you pull on me?" Jeonghan smirked, confidently stretching one arm over the bartop to reach for Joshua's bottle and took one big gulp.
Joshua sent a dry look across the bar to find its owner, sitting on the last booth of the place, overseeing something on his phone. Seungcheol darted a glance his way, visibly suppressing a devious smile.
Joshua shook his head at him in disapproval.
"What do you want, Jeonghan?" he dragged his words in an irked way, but he could not help but feel stupid.
He knew Jeonghan too well, he should have expected something like this would happen.
"I want to know," he started, lifting a lithe hand at Wonwoo and nodding his head at him meaningfully. "Did you guys make up?"
"We did," he nodded, hating the fact that he no longer felt confident of speaking about you with him. "Why?"
Jeonghan shrugged, smiling passively at Wonwoo when the beer and soju got to his hands. "Because you're a pain in my ass and I want to make sure I won't be bothered by this ever again."
Joshua immediately knew his best friend was not being completely honest. The bite in his words told him that much. "We made up. We're fine."
"Pffft, okay," he huffed, mixing the soju and beer in his glass expertly and then he drank it whole in two big gulps. Placing the empty glass and meeting his gaze. "And when you leave again? What happens then?"
The reminder made his stomach churn. "Then I'll leave," Joshua read his best friend's face again. Sensing that his answer had been unfulfilling he sighed. "I actually wanted to talk to you about it, but... I've been busy."
It was not a lie. He had been caught up with so much work for the past two weeks he had not even had the chance to even think about the last conversation he had with Jeonghan. And even so, he did not want to think about the night he talked to you about it.
"Talk about what?" Jeonghan asked, stopping the task to refill his glass.
"I... I have a proposition to make to you," Joshua enunciated slowly and sent a glance around himself and Jeonghan.
"Oh no," he sighed, his shoulders slumping down a little. "I am done with your fucking ideas, Joshua. Please, keep them."
"Just, hear me out," Joshua turned on his seat to face his best friend. Upon seeing eye to eye with him, something happened that he was not expecting. He felt a sudden surge of excitement.
"Whatever it is, I don't wanna hear it," Jeonghan huffed, his mouth pouted a little and turned his palms to the ceiling. "I just ambushed you so that you could tell me that all of this is behind us."
What Jeonghan meant by the word he heavily emphasized, was just both of them. And Joshua seemed vexed that after all of this, he still was looking for a friendship, to remain as before.
But of course, Joshua thought one second after. Jeonghan was the best friend he has ever had the opportunity to meet. He is so fond of keeping his friends close that even falling in love with you does not seem to deter him from it.
Maybe you are right, he thought. Maybe Jeonghan and him were crazy.
"Fine," Joshua sighed and turned back to face the bartop, fingers toying with the neck of his beer bottle. "Forget it."
A long silence followed, Joshua remained dead set on staring at his keychain still resting on the lacquered bartop.
"Ok, now I want you to tell me," Jeonghan urged.
"No, no," Joshua muttered indignantly. "You're right. Let's put this behind us, yeah?"
"Tell me," Jeonghan insisted with a tone that Joshua hated to hear and then: "Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me..."
"Okay, okay!" Joshua let out a light giggle, turning to his best friend, whose eyes lit up at the sight of Joshua smiling at him after what had been so long it must have been ages. "I'll tell you!"
"I'm listening," his brightened eyes looked over the smile, expecting.
"But not here," Joshua stated, leaning back slightly on the barstool and pulling out his wallet.
"Are you really going to do that again?" Jeonghan huffed in feigned annoyance. "Let me finish my drink first, at least. Damn."
Joshua pulled out a couple of bills, covering Jeonghan and his drink.
"Be quick," Joshua nagged too, laughing again when his friend just rolled his eyes at him, but still gulped down the last contents of his glass.
"Fuck, you're desperate," Jeonghan said upon lowering his glass heavily, sighing in satisfaction after downing a beer and soju.
"Come on," Joshua grabbed his keys again.
"Hold on," he heard his friend gasp behind him, falling into step with Joshua's long stepping.
"Did you bring your car?" Joshua asked as he pushed the door, letting Jeonghan exit the bar first.
"No, I was planning on getting drunk tonight," Jeonghan replied with an annoyed hint in his tone.
"Good," he nodded, unlocking the doors of his white van he bought when Midnight Haze was still considered a local band, and needed to transport their instruments, particularly, Jihoon's drum set.
"Where are we going?" Jeonghan asked as he opened the door to the copilot seat.
"We are picking Bunny up," Joshua checked his phone. "She's with some friends, we're a little late, actually."
Jeonghan had a reaction that Joshua partly expected. He initially bristled mid putting his seatbelt on. But then, after getting comfortable on his seat, Jeonghan sighed.
"I think I'm beginning to comprehend where this is going," Jeonghan said, and sent him a look. "Joshuji, this is not a good idea."
"You haven't even heard my proposal out."
"And I already know it'll suck," Jeonghan clicked his tongue in resignation as Joshua started to drive. "God I should've had another drink."
Jeonghan glanced his way when that elicited another faint laugh from him. "Me too, man. Me too."
Joshua tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, following the rhythm to the song playing on the radio. Jeonghan hummed to the song absentmindedly too, his soft voice filling the silence between them too.
They were both very evidently avoiding the subject. Joshua felt that sooner or later, his best friend would bring it up.
"Have you... told her about what you're planning?"
"Uh, we had a conversation about it," he muttered idly, eyes set on the road, his hand steering the wheel as he pulled the van to the curb, turning the engine off.
"Joshua," he dropped his tone to a low rasp, drawing Joshua's eyes to him. "I don't think this is a good idea. I don't know what your plan is but... Let's not do things harder for her, yeah?"
"It won't make things harder," Joshua reassured his best friend, though he did consider the worry in his entire demeanor, the way it shifted rapidly to the point that Joshua thought Jeonghan was about to run away.
He had pulled up in front of an apartment complex in a beautiful neighborhood. Jeonghan looked around from the copilot seat, leaning forward to look up at the tall building he presumed you were in with your friends.
Joshua sent you a text letting you know he was there, and he also added that Jeonghan was there too.
"She's here," Jeonghan whispered, undoing his seatbelt.
You were smiling to one of your girlfriends as you walked out of the building, you waved at her goodbye and turned to walk towards the white van parked in front of the building.
Joshua swiftly got out of the van, and Jeonghan saw your face lit up at the sight of your boyfriend, making his stomach twist and his entire body burn.
You reached out to give him a sweet kiss. "Hi, handsome," you muttered happily.
"Hi, beautiful," Joshua sighed. "Hey, did you check your phone?"
You instantly palmed the pockets of the long skirt of your dress. "Uh, what, no, why," you looked alarmed for a second. "Wait, here it is," you pulled out your phone from your pocket.
"Baby," he was just about to tell you what the contents of his message read but he forgot just how fast of a reader you are. With just one glance at the phone screen your eyes widened, immediately sending a glance to the van.
Jeonghan pressed his lips into a flat, dry smile when your eyes met with his.
"What is going on?" you asked, each word uttered slowly.
"Let's go home, okay? We're going to talk," he muttered, nodding to the van.
Joshua pinched your chin gently to drive your gaze back to him.
"Babe, what have you told him?" you asked with an alarmed hint in your tone, rushing your words out.
"Nothing yet," he muttered.
You stared at him for a long second before turning to walk up to the van, opening the door and climbing onto the pilot side of the bench seat, then scooping right up to the middle, your thigh brushing Jeonghan's.
"Hi," you whispered nervously, eyes set to the front. You had to squeeze your thighs together to avoid brushing with Jeonghan's.
"Hi," Jeonghan replied, noticing you seemingly vexed so he offered you a smile devoid of happiness that vanished a second later.
Because you had to come to terms with the idea that Jeonghan did not see you as a friend anymore, and had not seen you as a friend for a while. It had broken your heart but you were better off knowing that he would move on. Or so you thought.
And now, you had to think about what stance you were going to take. Sitting there on the bench seat of the van, pressed between the two men that you loved. No one said a word for the whole ride home , and you did not dare deter your eyes from the road ahead of you.
As soon as you crossed the door to your apartment, you immediately picked up the forgotten mug on the coffee table, the napkin by its side stained with your lipstick smushed in it and deposited it in the kitchen sink and bin respectively.
"Baby, leave that," Joshua muttered when you grabbed the fresh sheets that you folded and left on top of the armrest of the couch; a task that you had left for when you came back.
You made no reply, in fact you seemed to be anxiously cleaning to psych yourself up, thinking that whatever your boyfriend was planning to say, you could take it.
"Make yourself comfortable," you said while busying yourself with another imaginary task now.
Jeonghan shrugged and chose to sit on the sofa, that way he could follow your movements, so there he sat, quietly observing whatever you were up to.
Meanwhile, Joshua let out a sigh and shook his head, following you to the kitchen as you emptied the contents of the dryer, your arms cradling a bundle of fresh clothes, both yours and your boyfriend's.
"Bunny, give me that," he muttered with a gentle tone, scooping the clothes from your arms before you could even say no.
"I had it," you muttered anxiously and raised your head to glance his way.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his tone dropping to a mere whisper. "I thought you'd be happy to see him."
"What?" you gasped in a sharp hiss: "I never said that, Joshua!"
"Let's just sit down and talk, okay?" he suggested, his eyes full of worry when he saw just how anxious you had grown that you had to turn to doing chores to try and calm yourself down.
"I don't know if I can do this, Josh," you breathed so nervously that your breathing had turned shaky.
"I should leave."
Your breath hitched audibly. Jeonghan was standing by the kitchen's entrance, shoulder leaning to the wall, arms crossed and a passive expression on his face.
"I told you this would make it worse," he chastised, giving a stern and cold look to your boyfriend.
Joshua pressed his lips into a flat line, looking at his best friend and then sending a quick glance at your face. He nodded sharply.
Jeonghan nodded back in an unspoken agreement and pushed himself off the wall, taking a step towards the door.
"No, wait," you immediately muttered nervously. "Wait, just... Just give me a minute, please."
He paused, though hesitantly. "You don't have to do this. I can go, and we can forget that I was even here."
That was something that you did not want. And both men saw it in the way that your frame tensed up and your brow furrowed slightly. "No, no, don't go, I can... If you just give me a minute, I..."
Jeonghan seemed to grow worried when your tone faltered in defeat. You yanked your gaze from his face and sent it to the floor, mind reeling in search of something to say.
"Baby, help me get this to the bed," Joshua nodded to the socks that had fallen off the bundle of clothes he cradled in his arms. You immediately read that as an attempt to pull you to an even more secluded part of the apartment.
You picked up the socks from the floor and followed Joshua to your bedroom, where he discarded the clothes in the empty hamper that you had forgotten on the chair beside the .
"Listen to me," he whispered, cupping your chin with one hand to command your eyes to his. "Breathe, we're just going to talk, okay? About everything."
"You should've consulted me about this!" you retorted indignantly, thinking that your boyfriend had crafted a plan with Jeonghan behind your back. "I thought we had agreed on not hiding stuff from each other!"
"In fairness, this was all spontaneous," he muttered, realizing how his response sounded, he shook his head slightly. "We sort of crossed paths while I was at the bar and I wanted to have this conversation with you involved, so."
You looked at your boyfriend for a long second, then you considered giving him a chance to carry out what he had in mind. "Okay, but you and I are going to talk about this afterwards," you stated firmly and turned your back to him, walking out of the bedroom.
Jeonghan had occupied the left side of the couch again, lifting his head up when he heard your feet shuffling from the hall, his eyes following you as you sat down on the sofa, decidedly far away from him.
Joshua came onto view a second later, stopping when he saw that you had chosen to sit on a spot where he could not sit next to you. So he sat on the couch next to Jeonghan, on the spot that was closer to yours.
You knew that both men were observing your movements, your face, reading every single reaction from you. You let out a puffy sigh, denoting your tiredness from their controlling and manipulative tactics.
"I don't know how to say this. So I should just try to get to the point," Joshua started reluctantly, rubbing the palms of his hands on his jeans. "I am leaving soon, I'm going to be traveling around a lot again and I don't know when I'll come back. And you know this already baby, but Jeonghan doesn't know that I don't want you both to be distant because of me."
Jeonghan was the first to have a visible reaction, his eyebrows jumped up slightly, and he turned his head to one side to look at your boyfriend.
"You what?"
"This is going to sound crazy but," he sent you a quick glance in a sign of nervousness. "We can–we can maybe–I've been thinking that when I'll go away, you'll be alone again and–"
"Just spit it out, Joshua," Jeonghan cut off with a hint of annoyance. You had never heard him speak in such a snappy way. But you also understood why he would.
"I'm thinking that maybe we can work something out together. Us three," your boyfriend blurted out with a hollow sigh at the end of his sentence, much as if he were dying to get it out, for days.
"Joshua..." you began with caution laced in your tone, darting a glance to Jeonghan sitting beside your boyfriend and noticing that he had tensed up, you tried to intervene. "Baby, this is probably not a good idea."
An awkward, tense moment followed. Joshua and Jeonghan looked at each other and you realized that they were only waiting for your response, as if that were the only thing that mattered, really.
"Wait," you whispered, feeling dumb for not catching on sooner. Jeonghan read your boyfriend's face swiftly, and you saw in his demeanor that he was not as outraged or combatant as you initially thought he would be.
Both of them turned to you at the same time, in perfect synchronicity. A shiver ran down your spine, and you wished to have the power to know what they were thinking, what they had communicated with just one single look exchanged between each other.
"What are you even saying?" you blurted bewilderedly. "Joshua, are you crazy? I thought you didn't like this, I thought you hated the idea of Jeonghan liking me–"
"And I do," he shrugged and you could tell how uncomfortable he was by the way that his expression changed, grimacing. "But I also... I can't stop thinking that I..."
He placed his elbows on his knees, burying his face on his hands for one brief moment and at that, you wanted to call this off. You wanted to say that you were done talking about this. But you were not.
"I can't stop thinking that I want to do it again," Joshua said as he raised his head once again, looking at you now with a certainty that stopped your blood cold in your veins. "I want this. I don't know how, I don't know why. But I want this."
Silence.
The first thing that finally broke the tension was Jeonghan huffing loudly in disbelief. He shook his head and grinned as if to himself, and you knew that he already had a quippy retort waiting on the tip of his tongue.
"Want what, Joshua?" you muttered with a restlessness that made your tone quiver.
"I want you with me. And him. At the same time, separately. However you want, you decide," he glanced at his best friend once and it shook you to your core to know that he did not need a verbal confirmation from him. That look had been enough.
"As in... sex?" you shook your head when you realized when you were entertaining his idea, but you needed to know what his exact thinking was.
"As in everything. As long as you're comfortable with it."
Then it hit you, that night you were both talking late at night, the way that he told you he liked the threesome, the way that he seemed to be confused about it himself.
"This is crazy, Joshua."
Jeonghan also seemed to be uncomfortable by this, covering his eyes with one hand. "It is crazy," he dropped his hand back to his lap. And though he did not outright say it, he was not against it.
"If you don't want to do it, we don't do it. We can forget this conversation even happened," Joshua glanced to his side, then to you. Jeonghan seemed to nod ever so slightly, agreeing with your boyfriend.
An open relationship. That was what Joshua was suggesting. And it seemed so mind-blowing to you to come to the realization that he had been trying to hint at it for weeks now and finally got around to voice it out.
Both men looked at you, waiting for your answer. Your first instinct was to say no, to emphasize once again how crazy everything about that idea was.
But you had to stop yourself. You also considered every single implication if your answer was yes. What would this mean for your relationship with Joshua? If you said no, you would be hurt over losing Jeonghan all over again.
You pushed yourself to your feet and resumed pacing around the living room all over again. "Is this what you really want, Joshua?" you asked, pausing to look at his face and sighed when he nodded. "This is crazy, crazy, Joshua. I mean, how would that even work?"
"You decide. The important thing is that we could work things out, for all of us," Joshua seemed more in control now, probably because he had finally said what had been disturbing his mind for days.
But also, he saw that you immediately did not say no, and you hated that they both knew your answer before you knew it yourself. You hated that they knew you so well that they were just waiting for you to say it.
Jeonghan stood from the couch, making your head snap to find him approaching you slowly, cautiously. "Listen, if you don't want to do it, it's okay. We can forget about this and pretend it didn't happen. I don't want you to feel pushed to do anything, okay?"
"I don't want you to get hurt again," you muttered nervously.
"Why would I?" he asked with genuine curiosity.
You gave yourself a long second to think of your answer. If you agreed to this, you thought, you would spend time with him, you would get closer again. But now you would do so with the full intention of being closer, knowing that there were feelings in between.
And Joshua said that you could all make it work. He was on board with it, he said he could not get the idea off his mind. You sneaked a look at your boyfriend. Joshua was still sitting on the couch, but noticing your meaningful look at him, he just gave you a tiny nod.
"Mmn?" his sweet brown eyes triangulated from yours, to your lips then back up. "If you don't want this, then no. I can walk away right now."
Something in his words sounded very familiar. Experiencing a hazy, distant deja vu in the back of your mind, you nodded at him. "I want this," you whispered, your own words stunning you so deeply that you did not even give yourself time to process it.
Jeonghan took in a breath through his nose, slowly but you noticed the way your answer had caused him to feel something too. "Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yeah," you gulped hard, nodding with your head as the realization sunk within you. "I'm sure."
Joshua did not look one bit discouraged about your answer. His big, dreamy eyes seemed to sparkle in excitement when you looked at him.
A hand slipped in yours, drawing your gaze back to the man directly in front of you. "Can I...?" Jeonghan whispered, cupping your cheek with his other hand. He also swallowed, his eyes swiftly locking with yours.
"Yes, Jeonghan, yes," you gasped, an overwhelming sense of relief washed over your body when in a breath, Jeonghan leaned his forehead against yours, his hand sliding from your cheek, slowly making its way to cradle the back of your head, his fingers tangling with your hair.
"God, I missed you so much," he whispered in your lips right before he pressed them with his own.
You instantly replied with another kiss, slowly locking your lips with his. "I missed you too, Jeonghan," you confessed, your heart beating against your chest so hard that you swore he would be able to hear it.
Kissing him again caused a shudder inside you so overwhelming that you were already breathing erratically. But kissing him now with the full admittance of your feelings was completely different from before.
His hand moved from your nape to your neck, where he just grabbed you softly, capturing your lips to show you how much he missed you, featherlight kisses pressed in quick succession as he hummed and ceased kissing you, though reluctantly.
"What's next, what do you want to do now?" he asked, pulling back from you.
"Let her breathe," Joshua teased, a small smile appearing on his lips as he nodded his head at you. "Are you okay, baby? You look a little shocked."
Your boyfriend stood up from the couch, walking up to you and standing beside Jeonghan. It was almost perplexing to see them both standing side by side again, their minds silently blending in their scheming.
But it was also, so very hot to see just how quickly both men switched into the same mindset of that night of the threesome. You could not quite put your finger on what it was. But you found it enticing.
"Yeah, I'm okay," you replied, but you sounded out of breath, even though you were not.
Joshua was the first one to notice your breathy tone, his studded eyebrow cocked up ever so slightly. "Oh, baby. Sure you're okay," he tilted his head to one side. "Do you want to take this to our bedroom already?"
Jeonghan leaned his head to the side too, but in the direction of your boyfriend's, it was not a calculated move and it just added to the way they blended in their movements without even knowing.
You released a sigh that denoted both your eagerness, and the defeat over how quickly your boyfriend caught on your secret intentions. Joshua giggled and grabbed your hand to pull you towards the bedroom, probably knowing that you would grab Jeonghan's hand in the process and drag him too.
He clicked his tongue and smiled, and your heart crushed over how much you adored seeing him smiling again. Once you were in your bedroom, he looked around it curiously, as he had never been inside these four walls before that moment.
The bed was high and very wide, spacious enough for whatever your two lovers would want to do with you. You approached the foot of the bed and reluctantly turned to see them both standing behind you.
"Who do you want first, baby?" Joshua asked, being the one to notice your nervousness and reached out to cup your chin, keeping your gaze locked with his.
"Can't I have you both? At the same time?" you asked, short of breath, sounding so needy that you felt a surge of warmth on your cheeks.
"Of course, but don't you want to take turns with us first?" he suggested, calling back to the night of the first threesome.
You nodded, deciding to go along with it. "Undress me, please?" you whispered sheepishly.
Joshua showed you a sweet grin, dimples crowning his lips cutely. "Turn around for me, baby," he instructed, making you turn your back to him, now facing Jeonghan.
You reached out a hand to him as your boyfriend grabbed you by the waist, planting a kiss on your cheek. "Come here," Jeonghan took your hand in his, his cold fingers slipping between yours quite automatically, as if they had a mind of their own.
"What do you want me to do?" he asked, his voice sweet and low at the same time.
You brushed his long black hair aside with your free hand as your boyfriend littered your neck with wet kisses, patiently covering each sweet spot of yours with his lips.
"I–I don't know," you rasped, eyelids fluttering rapidly when Joshua's hand slid from your waist and searched for the front buttons of your dress. "J-just do whatever you want to me, I'll like it."
Your lover smiled just before he met your lips with his own, tenderly at first, much as if he wanted to take things slowly. But you were eager to feel him, eager to recreate the intimacy of that night.
"Joshua," you gasped when his fingers finished undoing the buttons of the front of your dress, slipping the sleeves off your arms and the skirt of the dress pooled at your feet, leaving you to your bra and panties only.
His large and warm hands parked in your waist, his lips kissing your cheek, trailing down to your neck. "Don't tell me you're shy now, bunny," your boyfriend muttered, his lips grazing your skin in the process.
"Nothing I haven't seen before," Jeonghan teased with a grin, his hand cupping your chin moved to your cheek as he pressed his lips with yours, slowly locking them in a deep, wet kiss.
Then your boyfriend moved his hands to your back, his fingers swiftly unclasping your bra, and then a pair of cold fingers hooked on the middle part of it, peeling the pretty lace clothing off your chest.
Your mind was split between paying attention to your boyfriend's hands, removing your clothes bit by bit, or Jeonghan helping him with it. Your own hands were placed on his chest flatly to help you keep your balance.
"Lie down on the bed," he instructed, his tone laced with a sweetness that you did not expect, his kisses becoming more and more demanding.
With a brief groan, Joshua used his hands on your waist, effortlessly lifting you up and rushing you to the mattress, nearly hauling your body to the plush covers. You gasped, but smiled at both men as they moved with an unspoken simultaneity: Jeonghan grabbed his hoodie by the hem of the neck part, yanking it over his head and throwing it to the floor, while Joshua removed his black leather jacket.
You concealed a smirk by biting your lower lip, Joshua pressed a knee on the edge of the bed, crawling over to you, his hands searching for the waistband of your pretty lace panties.
"God, you're so pretty," Jeonghan sighed, his eyes roaming over your now wholly naked body sprawled on the mattress, taking your hand when you reached out to him.
"Thank you, Jeongjeong," you used the opportunity to smile at him, just as he occupied a spot on the bed right by your side, an elbow supporting his weight to use his free hand to cup your cheek.
"Can I call you baby again, then?" he mumbled, his beautiful eyes locking with yours, the outer corners lifting in a smile when you winced nervously as Joshua kept kissing your tummy, trailing to your mound.
"O-of course," you stammered, lowering a hand to sink your rake your fingers through Joshua's golden brown hair. "C-call me princess again, Jeonghan, please,"
"You like that, don't you?" Jeonghan asked, his thumb brushing on your cheekbone, pressing a kiss on your forehead, also deciding to leave a trail down, to your lips. "I remember being told how much you enjoy being pampered."
Joshua grabbed your thighs by the outer part, pushing his tongue on your pussy lips, tongue swiping between your folds with a raspy groan, tasting you fully, earning a high-pitch moan from you, your hand clenching around the golden hair.
"Josh," you mewled out lewdly. "Fuck, baby, just like that," you caressed his long hair back, getting a glimpse of his studded eyebrow, how it cocked up at the sound of your praise.
Jeonghan averted his gaze from your face, to your boyfriend's buried between your thighs, mouth pressed so tightly against your cunt that left little space for Jeonghan to see his tongue working on you, teasing your spots he knew by heart, the movements he knew drove you crazy.
"Come here," you grabbed Jeonghan almost forcefully, using your free hand to bring him by his nape and crushed your lips against his, earning a deep giggle from the man you have been neglecting for over a month now.
Joshua glided the pointed tip of his tongue around your swollen clit, swirling around it in figure eight motions, a loud groan coming from him when your thighs tensed up at his sides, his hands sliding on your inner sides, angling them open to eat you out freely, at his heart's content.
At the same time, Jeonghan swiped a line on your lower lip with his tongue, rolling it inside your mouth expertly, almost as if he had not forgotten a single second of the night he kissed you for the first time. He hummed, his fingers sinking and tangling in your hair.
It was becoming hard to breathe, but deciding to let go, you focused on letting your body lose, freeing yourself from the tension that kept you from really feeling your boyfriend's mouth pleasuring your pussy, your lover kissing you as if his life depended on it.
In a sudden move, you pulled your head back, detaching your lips from Jeonghan's. "Oh, god," you breathed, your chest rising and falling rapidly, you locked eyes with Jeonghan, seeing him smile ever so slightly. "B-baby–Josh, I–I'm coming, I–I..."
Your first orgasm came fast and brutally hard. You screwed your eyes shut so tightly that you saw colors behind your eyelids, your mouth slowly falling open as a long, whiny moan came out. Small kisses left a tingling sensation as they were planted in your lower lip, your cheeks and eyelids.
Arching your back on the bed, your fingers curled and uncurled on your boyfriend's hair, thighs trembling as he continued to tease your clit relentlessly, not showing signs to stop or to change the pace of his pointed tongue pressing and swirling around your bud.
Jeonghan kept kissing your lips while you moaned until you were rendered breathless. His lips pressed on the corner of your teary eyes, breathing out a giggle when you opened them to see his face.
"Felt good?" his eyebrows pushed up, the playful smile curving his lips.
You felt your brow furrow at that. "Yeah," you breathed out, wincing when Joshua left an open kiss on your lips, lifting his head from between your legs.
Joshua looked satisfied when he saw your fucked out form, much as if he felt proud that your first orgasm was his. "Guess you're next," he smirked when you reached out to grab the hem of his black t-shirt, tugging it upwards.
Jeonghan made no verbal response, but he got to work right away, pulling back from you to sit back on his knees and pulled the t-shirt over his head, throwing it away dismissively. He crawled backwards to lower his feet from the bed, just as you rolled over to crawl to him, chasing him almost.
"Sit here," he nodded to the edge of the mattress, his fingers undoing the button of his black denim jeans.
"Let me do that for you," you breathed out lewdly, reaching out to hook your fingers on the waist of his jeans tugging them down. You heard a breathy giggle in the back, and you did not need to turn to see your boyfriend to know he was enjoying this.
"Did you miss me, baby?" Jeonghan asked, cupping your face with both hands, his fingertips sinking in between the strands of your hair.
"Yeah," you blurted out immediately and looked up to find his eyes trained on the features of your face. "M-missed you."
The corner of his lips quirked up, leaning his face against yours, he breathed. "Did you miss this?" he whispered, planting soft pecks on your lips, the tip of your nose and forehead.
An euphoric shudder coursed through you. Your thumbs hooked on the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down slowly to see his pretty cock springing out of them, fully hard, precum smeared on his tip sloppily.
Jeonghan stepped out of his clothes, now standing between your legs, wholly naked, he cast a look over your head and smirked.
"As soon as she comes, she's mine," Joshua said with a hoarse tone, and you knew that he ached to be Jeonghan at that moment.
"Yeah, yeah," he replied with ease, his gaze returning to you. "Lean back for me, baby," you obeyed, placing your hands behind you on the mattress to support your body. "Good girl."
But his gaze trailed down, and you followed it. Jeonghan grabbed his hard length with one hand, guiding his tip to your core, but stopping to play with your arousal by running his tip up and down your folds. An amused look taking over his features when you whimpered lewdly.
"Jeonghan, be quick," you mewled when he rubbed his tip against your engorged clit, your fingers clenching on the covers instinctively. "P-please."
A loud moan escaped your mouth when he started sinking his pretty cock in, the sight of it disappearing inside you making him sigh out a moan too.
"Jeonghan," you whimpered, biting your lower lip to avoid making more noise, but you could not help but moan when he bottomed out completely, releasing a sigh with you. "Move, fuck, please move, Hannie."
He giggled breathily, but he gave you what you wanted right away, pulling out his length, then bottoming out again, repeating the action slowly. "Yeah," he rasped with a grin. "I missed this too, princess," he muttered with a low tone that nearly sounded husky. "So fucking good," he sighed in pleasure, closing his eyes briefly.
"Yeah, yeah, just like that, Jeongjeong," you mewled with a high-pitch tone, thighs trembling already from the pleasure building back up.
You felt the bed shift, and caught a glimpse of your boyfriend sitting, back against the headboard of the bed, his jeans were gone, and he only wore his black sleeveless and boxers.
"Who would've thought that your boyfriend is a voyeur," Jeonghan teased, when you had to swallow back a moan at realizing just how hard your boyfriend was from watching you and Jeonghan, a wet patch of precum darkening the gray fabric of his boxers.
A what? You initially thought but everything clicked quite rapidly. Joshua had his eyes trained on you, on your face, wandering slightly to your hands when you gripped the duvet tighter. But his face seemed to change, the features relaxing when his eyes zeroed on Jeonghan pulling his cock out of you, siking back again repeatedly.
"I guess it's kind of a given, right?" Jeonghan gasped, pushing his hips against you at a slow pace, his cock sliding in and out your wet walls, making him moan in your ear. "You make the prettiest faces when you come, did you know?"
You were biting your lip, frowning deeply as you focused on the pleasure building inside you threatening to snap. "Mmn?" you hummed dumbly, ignoring the smile that took over the features of his face. "I–I think I won't last long," you muttered abashedly.
"You're close?" he asked and you nodded immediately. "Lie back, baby," with a sigh you lied back on the covers, just as he cupped the back of your knees with his hands hoisting your legs on his shoulders.
Then he started pushing inside you at a fast and calculated pace, the position changing so now the tip of his cock hit a glorious spot on your walls repeatedly, making you wail out madly. "Jeonghan!"
"Yeah, baby," he whispered raggedly, short gasps leaving his lips as he continued to minister his slow, deep thrusts, his hands holding your legs squeezed you gently. His eyes were focused on your face, and you did not need to look at Joshua to know that he was doing the same. "Come for me, princess."
Your fingers sneaked between your pussy lips, finding your swollen bud covered in your slick and started rubbing circles. "Oh god," you gasped, letting out a long moan as the tension finally snapped, pleasure blooming inside you, coursing through your limbs. "Oh god, oh god, god."
"That's it, baby," Jeonghan whispered, his head lolling back, his throat bobbing ever so slightly as sweet moans came out of his mouth, he gritted his teeth, his hips hitting against you sloppily. "C-cumming," he blurted, veins started to pop on his neck.
With one final, raspy groan, Jeonghan stopped thrusting inside you sloppily, his face completely relaxed, but he was breathing erratically now. He turned his face, pressing a kiss on the side of your knee before letting your legs down.
"You're okay, baby?" Jeonghan checked in after a moment as he came back to his senses.
"I'm shaking," you muttered shyly.
"Can you keep going, princess?" he asked, and you saw genuine care for you written in his eyes.
"Yeah," you decided, and nodded with your head. "I wanna keep going," turning your head to look at your boyfriend. "I want you now."
Joshua was still focused on you only, the smile that curved his lips causing your heart to explode. "Don't you want to rest, baby?"
"No," you looked at your lover as he pulled out of you his cock coated with your arousal and his cum, making you shudder at the sight. "No resting."
You turned on your belly, crawling on your hands and knees over to him. "Do you want me, Josh?" you asked with genuine curiosity.
"You know I do," he rasped, blinking slowly at you as his hand came up to caress your cheek. "I want you on all fours, bunny. Now."
Your heart twisted in your chest, obeying immediately you positioned yourself in the middle of the bed, while he swiftly discarded the rest of his clothes.
"That's my girl," Joshua praised when you lowered yourself on your elbows, arching your back for him.
A mewl escaped you when he ran his palm on your ass, parking it on the small of your back, before he nudged your entrance with the tip of his cock.
"Dirty girl," he tutted when Jeonghan's cum started dripping out of your slit, the sound of it dropping on the covers making you send a guilty look at your lover.
He had made himself a spot on the corner of your room, noticing that he discarded the hamper on the floor, so now he was sitting on the chair, legs spread, arms tucked over his head and holding onto the headrest. He smirked mischievously.
"My pretty bunny, who would've thought you'd be this fucking dirty," he whispered, sinking in his big cock inside you, so slowly you swore you could feel the veins of his shaft, the ridge beneath the bulbous head he had teased you with moments before.
"Mmnf," your fingers twisted on the bed covers as your boyfriend sheathed inside you in one go, causing more cum to drip out of your slit, down your folds and onto the covers. "Joshua," you mewled.
"Yeah, baby, that's my name," he replied with a cocky tone, his front hitting your ass slowly, but hard, rocking and pushing your body on the bed.
You dropped your forehead on the bed, rubbing the side of your face as you drowned out another lewd moan. "Fuck," you sighed, closing your eyes briefly to savor the pleasure you got from the hard thrusts, from the tip of his cock hitting that spot repeatedly.
His hand left the small of your back, and before you knew it he delivered a firm spank on your ass. "Say my name."
You winced, hot pain soaring through you, walls clenching around him. "Joshua," you called, your voice muffled by the soft covers of the bed.
You could hear your boyfriend gasping softly when your walls pulsated around his length. "Not good enough," he raised his hand, bringing it down on your ass harsher. "Again."
"Joshua!" you wailed, writhing slightly as the skin on your glute throbbed and tingled. Blinking the tears away, you found Jeonghan again, now the roles switched as he rolled his hand over the pink tip of his cock, pumping it slowly.
"That's better," he sighed out a raspy moan. "Fuck, you look so good like this."
You rested the side of your face on the covers once again, you knew you were growing tired, and you could feel the friction starting to feel like too much. "Sensitive," you muttered.
"Can you give me one more, baby?" you sneaked a look at your boyfriend's face. "Don't you want to take Jeonghan too?"
Your entire body burned at the prospect of having the two men you loved at the same time. "Yeah," you nodded, rubbing your tearstained cheek on the covers and craned your neck to look at your lover.
"That's my girl," Joshua sighed with a weak smile.
Jeonghan pushed himself to his feet, pressing a knee on the mattress as you propped yourself on your hands too. Your chin was cupped by one of his cold hands. "Open up for me, princess," his fingers pressed on your skin, pinching your chin softly.
Parting your mouth, you kept your eyes on his face as you pulled out your tongue for him to slide his heavy cock on, lips wrapping around him, making him sigh out a raspy moan.
"Fuck," he grunted as he started thrusting inside your mouth, his head hanging back once again, swallowing a high-pitch moan that had his throat bobbing. "Good girl."
Your walls fluttered erratically around Joshua's cock. "Mn, you like that, baby," he pointed with a breathy giggle, right before he started pushing inside you harder, his thrusts growing more demanding. Earning short, strangled moans from you. "You filthy girl."
Jeonghan's hand slid on your nape, fisting your hair to hold you still as he too started thrusting inside your mouth faster, deeper to shut your moans up when you started gagging around his cock. "God, baby, you take me so well."
Tears rolled down your cheeks, but you kept your eyes trained on your lover's face riddled by pleasure.
"Fuck, baby," your boyfriend sighed, and just by his tone alone you knew he was about to come too. "I need you to come."
"No, not yet," Jeonghan gasped, pushing his cock down your throat, his eyes wide in awe and lust. "Shit," he breathed, revelling at the state that you were in: fucked out, used, ruined.
Joshua responded with a weak laugh, and when you felt his hand slide from your lower back to your tummy you knew why. Your eyelids fluttered uncontrollably when his fingertips pressed on your clit, moving them in fast swirls, exactly in the way he knew you would come faster.
A strangled, high-pitched moan was muffled by Jeonghan's cock in your mouth tears brimming in your eyes and spilling rapidly. Your third orgasm came faster than the other two, making your inner thighs shake and your body nearly go completely limp.
"Fuck!" Joshua groaned, pushing his hips against your ass sloppily, thrusting ropes of cum deep inside you, mixing with Jeonghan's, your boyfriend's hand gripped one side of your waist.
"Cumming," Jeonghan whispered, spilling himself down your throat, stopping his thrusts sloppily and then the sweetest, rawest moans spilled from his pink lips. "So good."
Your lover pulled out of your mouth gently a second later, letting you clear your throat and breathe easily, whimpering pathetically when your boyfriend pulled out next. Your limbs were shaking, and you wanted nothing more than to crash onto the mattress.
"Baby, we need to clean up first," Joshua said, reading your body movements well. "Then we can rest."
"But I just–," you started but then you felt the wetness dripping down your thighs.
"Come on, baby," Jeonghan pinched your chin once again, nodding his head towards the door. "I'll get the shower ready."
"Let's go," Joshua giggled softly, scooping you from the bed in his strong arms and effortlessly cradling you in his arms despite your short squeal in protest.
Joshua left you on the shower floor, where Jeonghan was already testing the temperature of the water. "Ready?" he asked, smiling softly when he saw your face.
"I'm going to change the bed covers," Joshua announced, leaving you and Jeonghan alone in the bathroom.
"Are you okay, princess?" Jeonghan asked standing in front of you, his long black hair was wet, and he was trying to blink the wetness from his tears to keep looking at you.
"I'm okay," you responded, showing him a smile before you pushed his damp hair from his face. "Amazing, actually. You?"
Jeonghan giggled, his hands sliding on your back and parking on your waist. "Never better," he replied, and the honesty in his eyes was real. He pressed his lips against yours tenderly.
"Will you stay tonight?" you dared to ask, pulling away to busy your hands with the bottle of shampoo, pouring some in your hands to then rub it in your hair.
"Do you want me to stay, baby?" he asked, grabbing the bottle when you offered it to him.
"Of course," you said, shrugging. "The bed is big enough for the three of us."
That seemed to convince him, his lips pressed in a cute smile and he nodded. "Then I'll stay."
Joshua came back some minutes later, just as Jeonghan was stepping out of the shower. So in a second, they had exchanged spots.
"Come here, handsome," you muttered, grabbing his hand and now you took the time to rub shampoo on his hair.
"You're okay, bunny?" he asked, his pretty eyes roaming all over the features of your face.
You smiled and nodded. "Yeah, babe, I'm okay. Amazing."
"Why are you laughing?" he cocked the studded eyebrow.
"You two are very similar at times," you pointed and giggled again.
"Yeah," Joshua muttered pensively. "We've been told that before."
"So how will this work?" Jeonghan asked the following morning during breakfast, grabbing his iced latte from the table and taking a sip out of the straw, his lips pursing cutely.
"We can talk about the logistics after breakfast," Joshua said, slowly cutting his pancake into small bits. He sent a cautious look at you.
The open-air restaurant allowed the gentle summer breeze to caress the back of your neck, tousling the hair at the base of your head that your scrunchie could not hold in your bun.
"We can talk about it now," you nodded at him reassuringly.
"Okay, then," Joshua grabbed his napkin and pressed it to his mouth, pausing pensively before adding. "I think I'm okay if you guys date, or hang out. But I want videos of the things you do when you're together."
It was awfully subtle, it took you some moments to know what your boyfriend suggested, but Jeonghan understood immediately. "Of every single time?" he pushed his eyebrows up in mild disbelief.
"No, just the ones you think I would like to watch," he replied, and looked at you briefly. "Only if you're on board, baby, of course."
"Are you..." you looked to the tables surrounding you in precaution and leaned in to whisper: "Are you referring to sex?"
Joshua smiled broadly, his eyes wrinkling at the corners. "Yes, baby," he replied warmly, sneaking a hand under the table to give your thigh a gentle squeeze.
Jeonghan in turn, laughed out loud. "What else, princess?"
"I don't know," you mumbled shamefully, growing hot on your face. "Can I ask why?"
Joshua shrugged. "I think it will be hot. Besides, I don't want to feel left out when I'm away for work and you guys are having fun together, so…."
"Seems fair," you replied, nervously fidgeting at the straw of your banana strawberry smoothie.
"So you're on board, baby?" Jeonghan asked softly, eyeing you curiously as he continued eating the last bits of food from his plate.
"I'm in," you nodded, breathing out your excitement as you imagined what possibilities lied now that you were finally in a much clearer arrangement with both Jeonghan and Joshua. "I also think it will be hot," you said, though in a sheepish manner.
Jeonghan smirked, but in his eyes you could see that he was looking at you with fondness.
"Oh, no," Joshua breathed, reaching out for his shades he had left on the edge of the table and put them on, bending his head forward.
"What?" Jeonghan turned and you spotted the couple of fans holding up both cameras and phones in the direction to the table you were sitting at. "Fuck."
"Jeonghan, get her out of here," Joshua muttered, handing him the keys to his van, and you initially arched an eyebrow at his words.
"But they're just fans, baby, what is the problem?" you asked, and as your words got out, your mouth fell open in realization.
"There's rumors that I'm not single and I don't want them to target you in their fucking online gossip," he mumbled, pushing Jeonghan to go with a sharp nod of his head.
"But you're not single," Jeonghan frowned, and for once, he did not know what Joshua was referring to.
"I would like to keep people from snooping into my girlfriend's personal life because she has her life's work under anonymity," he retorted, and now he looked disturbed. There were more people outside joining in, some for mere curiosity, some were real fans.
"Let's go, princess," Jeonghan muttered at once, grabbing his phone and vape from the table and pocketing them. "I'll bring the car around."
Jeonghan grabbed your hand, dragging you out of the restaurant, displaying your laced hands to the Midnight Haze fans that were standing outside, looking at you and him, then continuing to wait expectantly for Joshua to come out. Which he did when Jeonghan texted him that he had brought the car around.
You saw how your boyfriend hesitantly waved at people taking pictures of him and asking for autographs, something he politely declined, running to the sliding door of his white van, closing it once inside, with a shocked expression on his face as he realized that his fame was growing exponentially fast.
Faster than he ever imagined, or even wanted.
✮ author's note: hi hi hi there! so now my semi hiatus was a little longer!! hehe did you miss me (●'◡'●) this took me longer than i expected so i hope you guys like it
so, i felt like making this chapter a little longer to make up for my absence, and also because i really love jeonghan and joshua and i have been rotting away while trying to get this out
anyways,
✮ STAY TUNED FOR PART THREE!! ✮
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